Archive of Our Own

Seonghwa couldn't deny that sometimes he got hurt by his member's relentless playing. 

Maybe he cried when Yeosang hurled insults at him, felt ashamed of himself when Wooyoung called him out for something he did with his hands. He doesn't understand why the rest of the members do this; maybe it's an act of love.

It doesn't feel like love. It just hurts. Maybe he's being sensitive. 

He has his urges. 

He'd prefer to sit back and watch the chaos ensue other than be a part of it. If he did, he'd probably get called "weird" by Yunho, or Yeosang would probably ask what's wrong with him.

But sometimes, he can't help it. 

There have been times in the practice room when everything felt loud and just so much. It felt like it was all directed towards Seonghwa. From the bass of the stereos to the loud squeaking of shoes, it was all  too much.  It felt too hot in the room. It felt like the lights were scorching Seonghwa's skin. It felt like everyone was staring at him and screaming in his ears at what an idiot he was. 

You're weird.

What the fuck is your deal?

"Seonghwa, what's wrong?"

He'd been up against the mirror, sobbing and rocking back and forth. He looks up to see everyone staring at him. Seonghwa can't see their faces. If he could, their faces probably are scrunched in discomfort, maybe even disgust.

He whines and decides hitting himself in the stomach would help this uneasy feeling that made his bones ache. It all hurts; he feels embarrassed, he can't stop. Everyone thinks he's weird. 

They probably want him to be gone and out of their lives. All he does is weird people out. He's a disgrace to his members and anyone else who knows him.

He wants to be okay. He wants to be normal.

"Seonghwa, hey, stop hitting. Please, everything is alright." Hongjoong soothes Seonghwa from against the mirrored wall after being frozen in his place. It was hard for him to transition from his meltdowns, but Hongjoong always makes things flow smoothly. 

They stand up, and Hongjoong presses his hands down on Seonghwa's ears firmly, attempting to get the older to come back to himself and calm down. Seonghwa's black fringe hides his eyebrows, barely covering his teary eyes. He lowers his head and stares at the floor, then leans into Hongjoong's chest as he closes his eyes.  

He can't hear anything now, and he feels his flooding mind stop. He still has that thought in the back of his head that tells him his members are probably murmuring about why he even got upset in the first place since nothing seemed to be wrong in the practice room.

Hongjoong and Seonghwa stand in the corner near the bathroom door, and Hongjoong removes his hands from Seonghwa's ears after minutes of reassuring Seonghwa.

"Are you alright?"

Seonghwa pauses, then nods, too overwhelmed to say anything.

It's quieter in the corner, and the shade makes Seonghwa feel less overwhelmed. What surprised him was that somebody had dimmed the lights throughout the practice room. He looks around and glances at everyone, and,  are they concerned?

He looks at San, who is eyeing the two with furrowed brows. He then looks at Jongho and Yeosang, whispering to each other. The other members have seemed to want to give Hongjoong and Seonghwa the privacy they needed, all except Wooyoung. Wooyoung is staring dead at Seonghwa, and his expression is blank. Seonghwa can't tell if he's doing it on purpose or if he is genuinely confused, but it causes him to panic. God, the boys are probably going to bombard him with questions. He ruined their practice. They've been practicing so hard. They had to stop all because of him. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck-

"End of practice today, tomorrow's Sunday anyways. I think we all need a break," Hongjoong speaks up. He nods and looks at everyone that seems hesitant to leave, but Yeosang heads for the door. Then Jongho. Than San, then the rest of them. Wooyoung is the last person to go, and he looks at Hongjoong with a confused look before he leaves, and Hongjoong can only put a hand up to tell him to wait.

"Hey, let's go lay down. It's getting pretty late anyways."

"Yeah," Seonghwa responds, meek.

The rest of the evening goes by fast. Hongjoong runs Seonghwa a nice hot bath, in which the older tells him he didn't have to.

"I don't wanna hear it, Seonghwa-" 

"I'm sorry-"

Hongjoong gives him that face again. 

"...Thank you." Seonghwa finalizes. 

"You deserve it. I'll get you some food." And with that, Hongjoong left.

The bath felt nice. Seonghwa's bones didn't ache anymore. He had enough energy to do his skincare and wear nice pajamas to bed. He ate the food Hongjoong brought and fell asleep after Hongjoong lulled him with soft back rubs and a nice scalp massage. 

"Wooyoung, let's talk."

More than a million things run through Wooyoung's mind, and he doesn't think he can describe it right. 

"What happened?"

"Seonghwa had a meltdown."

"Why?"

Hongjoong sighs. 

"Sometimes the practice room is...a lot."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, if you remember Woo, Seonghwa has autism. It's high functioning. Sometimes he doesn't get when you guys are sarcastic, he doesn't like certain sounds or foods, and the practice room is overwhelming for him because there are so many things happening at once."

"Seonghwa seems fine, though? I never personally saw him upset like that until now," Wooyoung questions.

"Because he tries to hide it, and that's not something that's easy to hide or mask. He doesn't want you guys to see him have meltdowns or shit, even stim, because you guys are so mean with him. I get that you and Yeosang can hurl insults to each other with no hard feelings, but Seonghwa has trouble differentiating what's joking and what's serious." 

Something in Wooyoung crumbles, and he merely nods, waiting for Hongjoong to continue. The older has leaned forward now, actively calling out Wooyoung (and blatantly), the others.

"He thinks you're being negative when you tell him that he's weird. I know you mean it endearingly, but he doesn't take it that way. And I had to learn it that way as well. Playfully rejecting him when he wanted a hug or teasing him, I had to understand my limits."

"I understand," Wooyoung says, meek.

"That doesn't mean to treat him like a baby. He's a full-functioning adult. Just understand, Wooyoung. Please."

"I feel so terrible. We all love Seonghwa so much- I never meant to make him feel that way..."

"It isn't your fault, and I don't want you to self-loathe over this. It's a learning process, Woo. I want you to know that Seonghwa sometimes feels embarrassed by these things he can't control. And if we're his friends, his  family , the only thing we can do is make him feel comfortable and safe."

".."

"Thank you for letting me know, Hongjoong. Is Seonghwa in bed? I wanna talk to him."

"He's sleeping now. Today seemed tiring for him. He didn't really sleep yesterday either."

"Oh."

".."

"I'll talk to Yeosang about it..."

"Okay, have a good night Wooyoung. Thank you."

The living room grows silent. 

Hongjoong prepares himself for sleep, cuddling next to Seonghwa as he drifts off.

In the morning, Seonghwa wakes up at a decent time, not feeling too tired. He takes a few minutes to get out of bed, eyeing Hongjoong, who was sound asleep.

He showers, washes his hair, and steps out of the bathroom in comfortable leisure clothes. He wants to make breakfast for his members but pauses once he already smells coffee and the scent of cinnamon coming from the kitchen.

He peeks in to see Jongho, Yeosang, and Yunho in the kitchen, all working together in harmony to prepare everyone breakfast. 

"Oh, good morning Seonghwa," Yunho speaks up once turning around, and Seonghwa gives him a little confused look.

"Good morning..."

"Is Hongjoong awake?"

"No-"

"Oh, wake him up! We're all going to have breakfast together today."

Seonghwa gives him a nod and heads back to his shared bedroom.

The morning goes by casually. Wooyoung tries helping in the kitchen but makes some concoctions, the whole dorm erupting in laughter at his terrible cooking skills.

They sit and eat the french toast, bacon, and eggs the three in the kitchen had made. Everyone but Seonghwa had sunny-side-up eggs, the older confused (but happily) eating the scrambled eggs someone had cooked him. He glances over at Hongjoong in confusion, the other smiling at him before turning back to his heated conversation with San on why mint-chocolate ice cream is good.

Everyone is loud and happy, and Seonghwa sits in silence, smiling and observing how everyone is in this environment. 

He loves his members so much, no matter what.

He finishes first and stands up with his plate to wash it in the kitchen. 

Once everyone gets settled, they give thanks and head to their rooms. Seonghwa closes his door and sits at his chair, scrolling through Youtube. He's about to click on his favorite ASMR artist, but he gets a knock on the door. He expected Hongjoong but gets greeted by Wooyoung, who uncharacteristically appeared shy as he peeked out the door.

"Hey, I have something for you-" he hands Seonghwa a purple letter, an abundance of stickers all over the card.

"Hm?" Seonghwa hums, eyes lighting up at the pretty pastel color of the card. Wooyoung sits down on his bed as he wrings his hands, waiting for Seonghwa to open the letter.

Seonghwa doesn't want to rip the pretty packaging, so he carefully takes his fingers and goes underneath the flap of the card, removing the adhesive bond. Once opening it, he gets greeted with two sheets of notepaper with writing on it. 

He immediately unfolds the notes and begins to read.

This letter doesn't sound like something I'd do, ain't it.

I wrote this to apologize to you. After what happened yesterday, I was confused. If you want my honest reaction, I was concerned. I talked with Hongjoong, and he made me very self-aware about my actions. Not just me, but all of the members. We know about you, Seonghwa-hyung. We just didn't put effort into helping you feel safe and comfortable. And I'm sorry that I don't tell you the times I'm joking. I understand sometimes I'm too mean or too harsh on you, I guess that's just my love language? But I understand that's not yours, and I'm willing to change my behavior patterns for you because I love you.

I know I don't say that often. I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry for all of the times I made you feel a burden for being you. You're one of the most caring and innocent souls I know on this Earth. I want you to feel comfortable. I want you to smile, laugh, scream, and be happy because you're our family. 

I'm not sure of what more to say, I'm struggling with this letter because this was upcoming awareness, but I felt the need to apologize right away. You of course don't have to accept it, but I just want to let you know that I'm aware that my actions have caused you to feel unsure about if we love you. 

We all love you, no matter what.

• Wooyoung <3. ^^

Seonghwa looks at Wooyoung and smiles, Wooyoung's facial features softening once Seonghwa opens his arms for a hug.

"Thank you," is all Seonghwa can say as Wooyoung hugs him.

The younger rests his head on Seonghwa's shoulder, and they both sigh.

After the confrontation and over time, Seonghwa became more and more comfortable around his members. They still joke around, but they make sure to reassure Seonghwa instead of leaving it at that.

He used to either smile to himself or stare at a corner to restrict his body from doing anything that he thought his members would dislike. Now, he'd flap his arms from pure happiness when the chaos ensued. He didn't feel bad when he had his meltdowns because he knew his members cared about him no matter what.

Seonghwa felt understood and so so loved.