Work Text:
Inhale
Drag
Exhale
Stare
Inhale
Drag-
Oh.
Oh.
-
“Oikawa Tooru? Oh, he’s super hardworking and independent in class.”
“Oh? Oikawa? He’s so handsome! I wish I was his girlfriend.”
“Oikawa? He’s so fucking annoying. Always boasting about his achievements.”
“Shittykawa? What about him?”
Iwaizumi Hajime is Oikawa Tooru’s first love.
After decades of friendship, how could he not? Iwaizumi was so so kind and patient with him, Oikawa is surprised he hadn’t dropped him yet. It’s alright that he sometimes makes Oikawa spiral, he doesn’t need to know this part. It’s not his fault, because after all, it’s always Oikawa’s fault at the end.
-
Oikawa can’t remember much about his childhood. He doesn’t understand why his pre-school teacher called him “pretty” and kissed him on his lips at nap time, nor does he remember why his private parts would hurt and itch going home each day. Boys aren’t supposed to be “pretty”, right? They’re supposed to be strong and protect girls, so why did he find his female teacher scary? Why did she kiss him while he was vulnerable and half asleep? Why didn’t the other kids get kisses? Why did this happen to him? Why didn’t she sleep beside other kids in his class? Why was it only him who got special treatment?
Oikawa understands he’s gifted, he was always ahead of his classmates in anything. His report card always showcases full A’s, and every teacher would always praise him in the comments. So why did it all go wrong? Was it the constant belt lashes? Was it the yelling and arguing at home? Is this just his fault again?
“You bastard child, you’re not even related to us. ‘Oikawa’ is YOUR last name, it came from that father of yours- nobody in MY family has that last name so don’t even think about touching ANYTHING in this house. This is you and your bitch of a mother’s fault.”
“Grandmother, I don’t know who my father is, I’ve never seen him-”
“DO NOT SPEAK BACK TO ME!“
Slap
His left cheek starts to heat up.
“God you are so ugly crying like that, oh so now you start to act weak? After being so brave to insult me under my roof, you start crying like a baby? You demon child, you look just like your father.”
Oikawa snaps his eyes shut as soon as he heard his grandmother pick something up. Tears trickle down his face endlessly as the impact of a ruler strikes down on his thighs in a swift motion, this goes on for the next 10 minutes. He understands his father doesn’t want him, and it’s okay. His mother is rarely home, hence only leaving his grandparents to take care of him.
“I can’t stand looking at your face. Fuck off.”
Oikawa runs. He sprints to the park and hides under a tree for the night.
-
He was introduced to volleyball at the age of 8 and loved it. The best part? It’s an excuse for the bruises. The worst part? It’s too good of an excuse.
“Oikawa? Why are your legs purple?
“Ah, Iwa! They’re from training! Now let’s go I want to set for you.”
“Oi- ugh alright.”
Oikawa wanted to become a setter after attending the match between Argentina and Japan, then having a brief conversation with his newfound idol, Jose Blanco. He wanted Iwaizumi to be his spiker and made a promise to himself that he’ll train until he couldn’t, he wants to be the best setter Iwaizumi. They agreed on going to Kitagawa Daiichi Junior High together and joining the school volleyball team after graduating primary school. Iwaizumi is his best friend, he wishes for them to be together forever on his birthday.
-
It was his third year in Kitagawa Daiichi when Kageyama Tobio joined the team. Oikawa couldn’t help but feel annoyed whenever Kageyama is in his sight of vision. He was good for his age, his skill level is way higher than what Oikawa had in his first year. Thankfully, it was Oikawa who won the "Best Setter Award" but why couldn’t he feel joy? He was unable to find his mother in the crowd and waited at the school gates until the sun started to set. Maybe she was talking to a friend? Maybe she was... maybe she…
“Oikawa? Why are you still here?”
It’s Kageyama and his sister.
“Ah? Tooru? Where are your parents?”
“Tobio! I could ask you the same thing. I just forgot something in my classroom and had to come back to receive it.”
“Oh alright. Tooru do you want us to walk home with you?”
My mother isn’t coming. She never came in the first place. She doesn’t care and she’s too busy.
“No, it’s okay. You guys can leave first.”
“Are you sure? It’s getting really dark-“
“NO! Uh, no it’s alright. Tobio needs his beauty sleep for our upcoming game tomorrow. Haha...”
He lets out a monotone laugh.
“Oikawa-“
Oikawa turned around and started speed walking in the direction where the park is.
“Tobio, is he… alright?”
“He’s scary. I don’t know what he’s thinking half the time, but I’m worried for Oikawa. I really am.”
“God, poor kid.”
He sat underneath the same tree, clutching the award while letting small droplets of tears slip out. The same tree he slept underneath each time his home was too scary.
-
“Self-harm” isn’t the term Oikawa prefers to call it, it’s consequences of his actions, it’s punishment. He had grown to love bruises, it doesn’t matter it happened. He’d purposely kick edges of benches to get purple bruises on his shins, slam his left arm against the table and walk into handles for a bruise on his ribs. Sure, it hurts, but at least he’s feeling something. He never considered cutting until he saw fresh cuts on a random passer-by’s arms. Sure, it’s fucked up, but he found it beautiful on himself. Red is his colour, it’s easy to hide his upper left arm, can’t risk his dominant arm. His uniform covers it well enough, and he could always just resort to compression sleeves. Oikawa went deeper for the first time after a fight broke out in-between him and Iwaizumi, and the obviously darker scars constantly remind him of that incident, but it’s alright, he loves Iwaizumi. This isn’t Iwaizumi’s fault, it’s Oikawa’s fault for acting this way.
Oikawa set his school bag on the floor next to Iwazumi’s desk and left for the bathroom. His school bag tipped over and a red drawstring pouch fell out, out of curiosity Iwaizumi picked it up.
“Oi Oikawa, what’s this in your bag?”
He held up the bag.
“Iwa! Put it down it’s embarrassing!!” Oikawa pouted.
“Ok??”
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
“…It’s just my sweaty arm compression sleeves! Ahaha, I haven’t washed them yet.”
“Ew, just wash it in the bathroom.”
“Nah, I don’t like your soap.”
“Shittykawa it’s just soap!”
“Ah!! Iwa!”
-
It wasn’t until a few days after losing to Karasuno at the Spring High-Miyagi Prefecture Representative Playoffs did Oikawa start punishing himself again. Bruises aren’t enough, cuts aren’t enough, he isn’t enough. He failed his team, he’s finished, he’s going to graduate. He will never get the chance to set to Iwaizumi in nationals again, he knows Iwaizumi is going to quit volleyball after high school. He’s too heavy, that’s why he’s slow, that’s why he failed to receive on time. He takes up too much space on the courts, he’s too big. The meal portions became smaller, and he ate less frequently, laxative abuse became the norm following every binge. He couldn’t vomit it out in fear of making his teeth worse than it already is from neglect.
I broke my knee because I’m too heavy, if I was lighter this would’ve never happened. If I was lighter, I would’ve been faster.
Weeks and months passed by, and Oikawa is unable to recall anything that happened. Everything was a haze; his grades are slipping, and he was tired and cold all the time. Oikawa’s mind remained blank until he suddenly slipped and fell down a flight of stairs and rolled his ankle in hopes of landing on his feet. The pain woke him up, tears start to form but they were quickly wiped away.
Iwa<3
WED 10:09 AM
Shittykawa: iwa
Shittykawa: i twstd my ankle
Shittykawa: on the stairs
Iwa<3: what
Iwa<3: u good
Shittykawa: can u tell
Shittykawa: teacher
Shittykawa: it hurts
Iwa<3: done
Shittykawa: can u come with me to rhe nurse
Shittykawa: i cant move
Iwa<3: where
Shittykawa: im on the staurs at
Shittykawa: uh
Shittykawa: lockers
Iwa<3: will u get surgery
Shittykawa: IWA WTF 💀💀💀
Fuck- shit, it actually hurts
Oikawa pulled down his socks to inspect the ankle.
What the FUCK
The ankle is way too swollen to be considered a minor sprain, actually, he wouldn’t be surprised if he snapped a bone, because he definitely heard a crack.
“OIKAWA!”
He spots Iwaizumi panting at the bottom of the stairs.
Did he run?
“Aw! You care about me!”
“Shut up Shittykawa what did you do this time?”
Oikawa lets out a small laugh.
Fuck fuck fuck don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
“Oikawa can you move?”
“Iwa I told you I can’t move, can you just help me get up to the nurse?”
“What are you going to do? Hop on one leg? You know what I’ll just carry you.”
“Wait no Iwaizumi don’t-“
Too late, he was swept off the floor and into Iwaizumi’s arms.
This isn’t so bad.
“Fuck, Oikawa have you been eating properly?”
“Huh? What do you mean?” Oikawa looked up and started to poke his cheek.
“Get your grimy hands off me- you’re too light.”
“Hey! My hands are clean!“
“You fell down the stairs. The school floors are disgusting.”
“Whatever, Iwa I’m eating fine. It’s probably weight loss from exam stress.”
“Dumbass don’t skip your meals! You’re going to pass out during training. I’ll beat you up if you do!”
Oikawa laughs, it’s genuine.
“Iwa you’re funny. I like you.”
“Shut up dumbass we’re almost at the nurse office.”
Ahhhh… rejected
“C’mon hurry up I’ll buy you lunch today Crappykawa.”
“AW! Iwa you loveeee me! Hahaha!”
“SHUT UP! I’M GOING TO DROP YOU!”
Oikawa sinks a bit deeper into Iwaizumi’s arms.
-
Oikawa slowly turns the doorknob in hopes of making no noise. He already took his shoes off outside so his footsteps would be softened by his school socks. His grandmother meets him in the hallway.
“Where were you.”
“I’m sorry- Training went for longer than expected. I’m really sorry.”
“Why are you still training? You’re so useless, you’re bad at volleyball yet you put so much time and effort into it. Why don’t you just focus on your studies? You waste our time, food and money.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Get out of my sight.”
He quickly leaves then closes his bedroom door with a makeshift lock.
Fuck I don’t feel well.
Iwa<3
WED 7:29 PM
Shittykawa: iwa idotnt feel well pls tell teachrs n coach xoxoxo
Iwa<3: shittykawa i told u not to get sick smh
Iwa<3: im gonna beat ur ass once u get better
Shittykawa: u want 2 beat my ass 😳😳😳
Iwa<3: WTF GO REST STOP TEXTING ME
Shittykawa: okie gn iwa ilyyy <33333
Iwa<3: love you too
[This message was deleted]
Did I read that correctly? It’s probably just my mind messing with me.
Oikawa showers quickly, ignoring his churning stomach then falls asleep as soon as his head hits his pillow.
The night passes, warm sun rays leaking through the fabric curtains wakes him up. Oikawa groggily walks to the bathroom and looks into the mirror.
Holy shit
His face is pallid, dull unfocused umber eyes bore back, his collarbone is prominent through the loose pyjama shirt, his greasy hazelnut hair stuck out in different directions and was too tangled to even out. He lifted his shirt up and could see his ribs through his pale skin. The bathroom tiles had clumps of his hair on the floor. His legs felt like noodles and his mind was mushy and foggy. Taking out the thermometer from the medicine cabinet, he slid down to sit on the floor waiting for the results.
40.1º
Iwa<3
THU 11:34 AM
Shittykawa: [Image sent]
Iwa<3: what the fuck
Iwa<3: go take some meds
Iwa<3: shit its 40 degrees? go hospital what the hell
Shittykawa: tysmsmmmm loev u iwaaa!!!!!!!!
Iwa<3: ur delusional
Iwa<3: please just take care of yourself
Mother
THU 11:40 AM
Oikawa: [Image sent]
Mother: I am at work
Oikawa: I’m sorry
Mother: I’ll bring fever medication after work
Oikawa: sorry
Oikawa turns off his phone as the bright screen was giving him a headache. He had no appetite to eat anything, so he crawled back to bed and wrapped himself up in his blanket and ended up sleeping for the next 5 hours.
“Tooru, wake up.”
FUCKFUCK SHIT
“How was.. work,” Oikawa rasped out.
“Here.” She hands Oikawa a pack of paracetamol and a bottle of water.
“Thanks…”
He sees his grandmother walk into the bedroom.
please god not now
“Are you sick? How useless can you be?”
“Don’t talk to Tooru like that.”
“You’re saying this like you actually care for this brat-“
“HE IS MY SON!”
“I TOOK CARE OF YOUR DEVIL CHILD FOR 18 YEARS WHILE YOU WHORED AROUND WITH OTHER MEN-“
“I WORK SO HARD EVERY FUCKING DAY THAT I HAVE NO TIME TO EVEN EAT- SO YOU CAN LIVE A PEACEFUL RETIREMENT AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?!”
“HOW IS IT PEACEFUL WITH YOUR BASTARD SON RUINING EVERYTHING?!”
“can you guys PLEASE JUST SHUT UP!”
This was it, he’s done. He twisted open the bottle given to him and poured all 20 into his mouth and swallowed it all with one sip of water.
“TOORU WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” His mother yelled
“I’ve been stuck, in this hell hole, with your mother for 18 years. I don’t know my father, I don’t know who I am, I bet you don’t even know how old I am. You have never been here for me, your parents have been fucking abusing me- YOU TOO- I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU THINK YOU’RE STILL A GOOD PERSON AFTER ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME! AND a-and and- YOU NEGLECTED ME FOR YEARS! I- ”
Oikawa’s breathing became rapid and uneven, he fell to the floor on his knees shaking and crying while his grandmother was still yelling. His mother already dialled 119 and was waiting at the front. It was getting too hard to breathe, he felt like he was drowning.
Oikawa fainted on his bedroom floor just as the emergency dispatchers arrive.
Kageyama looked out his window and watched the red and blue lights fade into the distance.
-
When Oikawa woke up, the noises he was able to distinguish are the machines beeping around him and nurses speaking softly. He was wrapped in blue and white sheets with a cannula stuck in his right arm, his index finger was in a grey clamp and various tubes were spread out around his body. The reused cream coloured bandage on his left arm was replaced with a white sterile bandage. His phone was next to him along with a few other items such as a charger and water bottle.
Ah. I didn’t die.
14 missed calls from Iwaizumi with 6 from Matsukawa, and 9 from Hanamaki. There was also 2 from.. Kageyama? No fucking way.
One of the nurses working in the emergency department noticed he was awake and quickly made her way over with a trolly.
“Oikawa Tooru? Are you alright? Would you like anything to eat or drink? We have water, lemonade and tea. I’d recommend the lemonade, it’s super refreshing.” She spoke with a warm smile.
She’s safe.
“Uh… lemonade please..”
Dumb fuck go for water who knows how many calories is in that shit
“Yeah, I’d like a cup of lemonade.” He repeated
“Alright, here you go. A doctor will see you soon.”
Everything was a blur; several doctors and nurses were with him that day, he got his blood drawn several times and he was too nauseous to stand up and walk to the bathroom to give them a urine sample. He remembers a psychologist speaking to him and his façade eventually broke when she asked about his friends. He cried, he sobbed hard. Tears and snot ran down his face while he sobbed about how he didn’t want to leave yet. He didn’t want to go, he wants to see Iwaizumi, he wants Iwaizumi’s presence. Oikawa wants more of him. After a few hours of being in the emergency department, a doctor and nurse wheeled his bed to the Gastroenterology branch.
no way… they’re flirting… while taking my bed to a room
Oikawa finally opened his phone after a whole day of answering doctors and filling out forms.
ball slappers (old people)
FRI 3:13 PM
Iwa<3: shittykawa wya reply to msg
Makki: lol hes prolly asleep
Mattsun: ok but like he loves attention and when we acc give his dramatic ass some he goes afk
Makki: STTPO LFMAOOFOEOF
Iwa<3: pick up ur calls oikawa
Makki: omg no nicknames
Makki: this getting srs omg
Makki: STOP HPOLY SHIT HE’S TYPIG @all
Shittykawa: he
Makki: “he” yes go on i believe in u
Shittykawa: whts go od
Makki: u did it<3
Shittykawa: m arm hrut i acnt type
Iwa<3: why
Iwa<3: where r u
Iwa<3: we went to ur house earlier but nobody answered
Shittykawa: awww w iwa uloev m
Iwa<3: ugh
Mattsun: YES HE DOES LOL
Mattsun: we are actually worried where r u
Shittykawa: awe feu guys car e
Shittykawa: hoptil
Mattsun: WHAT
Mattsun: HUH
Makki: HWAT
Iwa<3: ok
Mattsun: oh omg the fever
Mattsun: feel better soon
Shittykawa: tysm
Tobio
FRI 3:23 PM
Tobio: oikawa?
Oikawa: yhaoo tobio
Tobio: i didnt tell anyone yet
Tobio: why was there an ambulance outside your house
Oikawa: its not yorur busines
Tobio: oikawa
Tobio: i know we didn’t end on good terms but i thought of you as an older brother back then
Tobio: your house gets louder each day
Tobio: im concerned about
Tobio: your home life
Oikawa: tobio this isnt your business
Tobio: i know but please just be safe
Tobio: oikawa i’ve known you for 6 years
Tobio: i dont think i can lose you
Oikawa: tooru
Tobio: pardon
Oikawa: HAHA who still uses pardon???? tobio ur funny
Oikawa: just
Oikawa: tooru is fine
Tooru: mk im sleepy tobio have gl at ur upcming game
Tobio: thank you ttttooru
Tooru: haha ur adorlb
Tobio: rest well
Iwaizumi
FRI 4:01 PM
Kageyama: iwaizumi
Kageyama: dont tell tooru i said anything pls
Kageyama: can u go check on him
Kageyama: physically
Kageyama: u guys r best friends right
Iwaizumi: was planning to after training
Iwaizumi: did something happen
Kageyama: its not my place to say
Kageyama: this is up to tooru
Iwaizumi: alright then?
-
“Oi, Oikawa wake up.”
“...?” It’s so cold
“I brought you something to eat, you probably think hospital food is bland huh?”
“Iwa...?” OH MY GOD
“Yeah? It’s me.”
“Hahaaa... Iwa youuuu love mee!”
“You’re so annoying- yes. Yes, I do.”
“... huh?”
“Can you sit up?”
“Ahh, no. Haha, can you give me a hand over here?”
“You have to eat more dumbass.”
“Who are you? My mother?”
“I swear to god I’m about to walk out-“
“Just like my father haha..”
Iwaizumi didn’t appreciate the joke, in fact, he became more concerned with Oikawa. He knows that his home life isn’t great, but Oikawa would refuse to elaborate further whenever he asks, he saw through his lies about how “training” caused multiple straight bruises across his legs and arms. He would often catch Oikawa staring into thin air, focusing on absolutely nothing, he sometimes wouldn’t respond to Iwaizumi’s questions. It really is now or never.
“Oikawa can you be honest with me, what exactly happened?”
“What do you mean? I had a fever remember??“
“Oikawa I’m not stupid. You’re in the Gastroenterology ward, this isn’t a place for fevers.”
“...”
Iwaizumi reached out to hold Oikawa’s hand just for him to violently flinch back.
“Oikawa?”
He wasn’t responding nor looking at Iwaizumi.
“Hey, Oikawa.” Iwaizumi’s tone softens. “Tooru?”
Oikawa slowly opened his own clutch to hold Iwaizumi’s hand. He was staring down at the thin dark blue blanket that covered his legs, then turning to stare at the white bandage on his left arm. He was having an inner debate of whether to burden one of his only friends with useless problems like a suicide attempt that didn’t work or to make another excuse.
“... Iwaizumi.”
“I’m here.”
“I’m sorry. I was stupid, I-I don’t want to die okay? I don’t understand why I’m unable to feel anything, I don’t understand,” Oikawa started to choke on his own tears. “I don’t understand why things happened to me, why I was beaten, why I don’t like myself, I... I don’t know anything.” His face turned red and blotchy, and his voice was cracking. “I hate my blood relatives so much, yet I wish they would see me like their own instead of being the reject. I’ve been compared to my father for my whole life, someone whom I have no memories of or any contact with. I just... wish I can disappear.” His voice shrivelled out in a whisper. As Oikawa cried and whimpered, Iwaizumi didn’t say anything; instead, he was wiping Oikawa’s nose and eyes with a soft towel and placing gentle kisses on his forehead. After his cries have reduced to soft sniffles, Oikawa removes his hand from Iwaizumi’s and latched onto his shoulders instead, burying his face in his neck, inhaling his scent. Iwaizumi didn’t hesitate to hug back, rubbing comforting circles on Oikawa’s back.
“Hajime... I’m tired.”
“I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“Thank you.”
For the first time in Oikawa Tooru’s life, he felt safe enough to drift into a deep sleep. He knows Hajime would never hurt him, Tooru trusts him.
Tooru has never loved anyone more than Hajime.