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Goshiki didn't have many friends in middle school. He never really knew how to approach them. It seemed so easy for everyone else, all naturally gravitating toward their groups and cliques. It all seemed to happen so fast, that before Goshiki had blinked, everyone already had friends and he'd missed his opportunity. Sure, he was in the volleyball club, but even they only tolerated him at best. They thought he was stuck up because he'd never talked to any of them, and more often than not, avoided interacting unless it was on the court. They assumed he thought he was too good for them.
It was quite the opposite, really. Goshiki didn't have friends. At all. No one had ever reached out to him, so he thought maybe the problem was him. Maybe he just wasn't interesting enough for people to care. His parents certainly thought so. They never really looked at him. Both worked long hours, and when they weren't working, they were out at fancy corporate dinners. They provided the basics though. Food, water, etc. and they paid for school and volleyball, so Goshiki couldn't really complain. After all, most kids would celebrate their parents not being home, right? Wasn't it great? Having the house to himself, the freedom to do whatever he pleased even at his young age?
It might've been, if it wasn't so lonely.
Now, Goshiki is in his first year at Shiratorizawa. Things are a bit different now. Some good, some... not so good. For starters, He is in the starting lineup in the volleyball club, which is among the best in the country. He lives in a dorm now, so he has a roommate, and he doesn't feel as alone anymore. His roommate doesn't really talk to him, though. And he doesn't think anyone on the team likes him very much. Most of them think he's full of himself and needs to be humbled. Especially Shirabu. Goshiki's not sure what exactly he did to upset his fellow club member, but every time Goshiki does something well or gets too excited, Shirabu makes a point to criticize him. Goshiki tries not to think too hard about it, to be honest. It makes his heart drop to his feet every time it happens, and he starts sweating and he gets choked up and his head spins. So, he just clenches his jaw and nods his head because he can't disagree with what the boy says. He is eager for the approval of his upperclassmen, and he beams with joy at every compliment given. But he doesn't want to be the ace because he thinks he deserves it, or believes he's better than everyone. Really, it's the opposite. He hopes that if he's good enough to become the ace one day, he'll be important to people. Maybe then, the kids at school would pay attention to him. Maybe they'd invite him to hang out, or even just to sit with them at lunch. If he can prove he's cool and talented to his classmates, maybe he could acquire a couple friends. But he's not sure if that's how it works. He still doesn't quite understand how people just- make friends.
"Nice job, Goshiki!" Rings a voice from the court. Tendou Satori, a 3rd year at Shiratorizawa, and one of the only people to give Goshiki the attention he'd forever longed for.
Goshiki spins his head towards his upperclassman, smiling brightly. "Thank you Senpai!" He hears Shirabu scoff from the side, and turns to see him shaking his head.
"He's already so full of himself Tendou, please don't feed into it." He calls to the redhead. Goshiki's heart pounds in his chest at the comment, and he turns his gaze to the floor, trying to shut down the rush of emotion bubbling up in his chest. He kind of wants to ask the boy what about him makes him seem stuck up. He works hard, and has big goals, sure, but that can't be it, can it? Not when the kids who have never even heard him speak think the same. Maybe he will ask, eventually.
Goshiki's thoughts are cut off by an arm swinging around his shoulders. "Nahh, this is the future ace, Shirabu! Be a lil nicer, huh? He deserves it, he's doing great!" Tendou pipes up. Goshiki's racing heart can't decide whether to slow down or speed up at the contact. On one hand, it's really nice to feel the friendly weight around his shoulders, but on the other, he isn't used to it and it kind of makes his skin buzz uncomfortably. Chuckling nervously, Goshiki steps away and breaks contact, his skin too sensitive to the touch, but he feels weirdly disappointed when the weight is gone. They get back into position, and practice continues like normal.
********
Goshiki eats lunch alone. Why wouldn't he? No one at the school cares for him, so he sits alone in the courtyard everyday, picking at the cafeteria food. staring at the ground because watching his classmates enjoy themselves stings a bit.
Tendou and Ushijima are walking across the courtyard, to the gym, when Tendou notices his favorite first year sitting alone under a tree, half heartedly pushing food around his plate. He comes to a stop, and pulls Ushijima to stop as well, both watching the boy from afar. "Hey, have you ever seen Goshiki hanging out with any of his classmates? Or has he talked to you about anyone in practice?" Tendou questions, turning his head to the taller man, whose brows are furrowed while he still watches Goshiki.
Ushijima cranks his head to the side as he thinks. "Goshiki doesn't really... talk in practice. Unless it's to you." Tendou's eyes widen as he reflects on the past weeks with Goshiki, and he finds that what Ushijima said is true. Maybe he hadn't noticed because the boy does talk to him occasionally, but still. He's supposed to notice everything! How could he have missed that?
Tendou is pulled out of his thoughts by Ushijima tugging his arm as he begins to walk in Goshiki's direction. Tendou is quick to follow, though, as he is also concerned for the boy.
Goshiki doesn't notice them coming towards him until an Ushijima-sized shadow cowers over him. "Why are you eating alone?" He asks bluntly. Goshiki's eyes widen in shock at the question and he sputters, "uh- I- um, well I-" Goshiki's heart drops. He doesn't want to explain to them that no one likes him. Then they'll ask why, and they'll probably agree.
"Do you normally eat alone?" Tendou asks nervously. This poor, sweet kid will never eat alone again if Tendou has anything to say about it (And he does).
Goshiki's mind is racing. He's pathetic. These are the only two people who have ever at least pretended to care, and now they're gonna know why no one else wants to be friends with him. They're gonna know, and then they'll stop talking to him too and Goshiki will be alone again. Even Shirabu only says anything to him because of Tendou's praise. If that stops, Shirabu won't even insult him, and even though it hurts, at least it's something! What is he supposed to say? He can't lie! He's terrible at lying. His skin is tingling and his heart is thumping loudly in his ears. Goshiki's not even sure he could speak right now, much less even put together a coherent answer for the upperclassmen who have become blobs in his vision. Has he been breathing? His chest feels tight, like he isn't getting oxygen. what is happening? Goshiki gasps for air in an attempt to relieve the aching in his chest, but it's not enough. Suddenly he's panting, trying desperately to catch his breath, but he feels like he's suffocating. One hand claws at his chest while the other curls his hair in a fist and pulls. He needs this to stop, whatever it is. It's too much, he doesn't understand what's happening. He whines in frustration and confusion and slams his head on the tree behind him. Not hard enough to really hurt, but enough to sting.
Ushijima and Tendou watch in horror as Goshiki seems to zone out for a second then panic after the question is asked. They didn't mean to upset the boy, especially to this degree. They look at each other, neither sure how to handle the situation before Tendou turns back, and is suddenly on his knees, talking to the boy. "Hey Goshiki, it's okay. You need to breathe, alright. Just take deep breaths." Tendou whispers to the trembling boy, reaching out before hesitantly stopping the motion, remembering how he flinched away from his arm earlier that day. He doesn't register the words. He can't hear Tendou over the storm in his mind. "Hey, come on little ace. Come back to us. You're alright." They watch as Goshiki claws at his chest and pulls his hair before hitting his head on the tree he's leaning on, whining loudly.
Ushijima kneels down next to Tendou, and gently grasps at the hand Goshiki's using to rip his hair out. "Hey, none of that." Goshiki freezes at the unexpected contact as Ushijima directs the hand to lay over his heart. "Follow my breathing, okay? You can do it."
Goshiki's hand is buzzing like it's being touched again. But this time it's not overwhelming. Well, not too overwhelming. It feels warm, and the contact cuts through the deep haze of confusion and panic he's feeling, so he latches onto it.
Ushijima feels Goshiki's hand clench around his shirt tightly. "Good job, Goshiki. Just keep following me. We're here. It's okay."
Tendou notices how the contact helped pull Goshiki out of his haze, so he slowly places his hand in the boy's hair, soothingly scratching his head. Goshiki tenses at first, unsure of the feeling, but quickly melts into it as it calms his racing heart. "You're doing so well, ace. Ushijima and Tendou are with you. You're not in trouble, no one's mad at you. We just want to help you be okay."
Goshiki takes a deep, calming breath that rattles shakily in his chest, and nods his head. He leans forward until he rests on Ushijima's chest. Ushijima, who is only good with physical touch because his boyfriend taught him how to be, wraps his arms around the still trembling boy, and hugs him tightly. "Thank you. I'm sorry." Goshiki speaks, muffled by the fabric of Ushijima's uniform.
"Don't be sorry little ace. It's not your fault." Tendou assures, rubbing small circles on his back.
Goshiki takes a half breath like he's about to speak when he cuts himself off.
"Hey, none of that, what do you want to say?" Tendou asks.
A couple sniffles sound from the head resting on Ushijima. "I, um. Eat alone. Everyday. People-" Goshiki's voice cracks and when he starts speaking again it's clear he's trying not to cry. "People don't like me." He pulls his head away from Ushijima's chest, but keeps his eyes pointed to the ground. His grip on Ushijima's T-shirt falls away and he twists his fingers in the grass below him. Tears blur his vision and they begin to drip down his nose onto the ground. "I don't know why." His voice shakes. "They never have. I've always eaten alone. Even-" A sob rips through Goshiki's chest as he feels the reality of his next words. "Even at home. My parents don't even like me." Goshiki's hands grip and tear at the grass he holds tightly and he sobs, rough and painful, while the two third years watch him crumble.
Tendou doesn't hesitate to reach out to Goshiki this time as he reaches for the boy and pulls him into his lap, hugging him, and rocking back and forth slightly. Goshiki presses his head almost painfully into Tendou's collarbone, choking on his sobs and trying to bury himself in the arms surrounding him. Tendou pets over Goshiki's hair, shushing him, trying to calm him down. Ushijima scoots closer to the two and splays his large hand on the top of Goshiki's back, thumb resting on the back of his neck, stroking gently. Goshiki shivers at the comforting feeling. "I can't speak for anyone else," Ushijuma starts, "but I can say for certain that Tendou and I both like you."
More tears well in Goshiki's eyes at the words as he looks up at his upperclassmen. His eyes shoot back and forth between them. "Do you mean it?" He asks quietly, trying to keep the hope building in his chest at bay. They would be his first ever friends- well, Goshiki wonders if being "liked" even counts as friendship... "Are we-" Heat rushes to Goshiki's cheeks and he stops, embarrassed to have to ask the question, but he needs to know. "Are we friends?"
"Oh Goshiki, of course we're friends. You're an amazing person! You're great at volleyball, and so kind, and you try so hard. I don't know why people haven't been nice to you, but you have us now, okay? You're not alone. Never again." Tendou assures Goshiki, who's staring at him with wide, unbelieving eyes. He looks back and forth between Tendou and Ushijima for confirmation. They both look entirely sincere, and Goshiki knows Ushijima's not one to make jokes like this.
"You mean it?" He says, shocked. "You really mean it!" The excitement in his voice can't be covered as he smiles brightly and brings the two third years into a tight hug. "You guys are so nice, I don't know how to thank you enough. I just-"
"Goshiki." Ushijima interrupts. Goshiki halts his quick rant and looks into Ushijima's eyes, fear making it's way into his expression. Ushijima continues before it can settle in. "You don't have to thank us. We want to be friends with you. We like you, you're a good kid, and you deserve to have someone in your corner." Ushijima finishes his statement by ruffling Goshiki's hair in a brotherly manner. The boy leans into it. He's obviously not used to kind touches, especially if even his parents don't pay him any attention. Ushijima files that information in the Goshiki folder in his brain. The kid craves physical affection. He knows how to help with that, especially with a boyfriend who insists on being in the same personal space bubble 24/7. Ushijima's gotten used to it at this point, and even enjoys it.
"Still, I've never- I've never had anyone before. So it means a lot to me. That you guys are. Here." Goshiki speaks haltingly, unsure of his words. He's kind of terrified of saying the wrong thing and ruining everything. What if he accidentally offends one of them??
"We'll always be here. From now on, little ace." Goshiki finally fully relaxes into the hold and sighs deeply, content in Tendou's arms. He's exhausted. "Hey, why don't you take a nap in your dorm before afternoon practice? I don't think class will be very fun for you after all that. You look sleepy." Tendou suggests. He's not really gonna take no for an answer. There's no way Goshiki would make it through his classes with the way he's drooling on Tendou's shoulder now.
Ushijima moves to pick up Goshiki by his armpits, and the boy curls around him like a koala, holding tightly. "Good." Ushijima praises. Goshiki made it easier on him to carry by holding on, so he deserves it. The first year's heart speeds up excitedly at the comment. He feels like he did something right. Knowing that this is okay with Ushijima makes Goshiki feel a thousand times better about reveling in the warm embrace.
"Mmmph." Goshiki grunts, making himself comfortable in Ushijima's arms as they head to his dorm. "Will you stay with me? At least until I fall asleep?" A shy voice quietly asks.
They're in front of the door to his dorm when Tendou answers, "We'll stay with you and wake you up for practice. We have our off periods after lunch so it's no trouble. Then we can all go to practice together. How does that sound?"
"Mmm that sounds good." A tired voice slurs from Ushijima's arms.
Ushijima leans over the boy's bed, trying to lie him on the bed, but he refuses to loosen his grip. "Goshiki, I need you to let go so you can lay down."
Maybe it's because of the emotional exhaustion or something, but Goshiki feels tears in his eyes again at the thought of Ushijima leaving. "But- you said you'd stay..." He all but whimpers.
Ushijima immediately realizes his mistake, and is quick to amend. "Goshiki. I'm not leaving. I just need to lie you down, then I can sit with you." He assures.
"O-oh!... Sorry..." Goshiki apologizes as he releases his grip on the older boy, and scoots so the three will fit on his bed. Tendou steps over both of them to take the side closest to the wall so Goshiki is squished safely between them. He curls around himself, basking in the warmth from his upperclassmen sitting beside him, leaning against his headboard while petting his hair and whispering nice words to him. is this what having friends is like? Goshiki wonders. He hopes it is. He curls a fist in Ushijima's uniform pants, falling asleep to the quiet murmer of voices, and the soft touch of his friends, feeling more secure than he ever has before.