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It's been a couple weeks since Goshiki's... breakdown, and things have been different. Good different, but different nonetheless. Ushijima and Tendou dote on him like parents, during practice and outside. They eat lunch with him, too. That's probably the weirdest. He's not used to talking to anyone while he eats, so it's been a weird change. Not that he's complaining. To say Goshiki was anything other than beaming with excitement when he was around his kind upperclassmen would be a vast understatement. It was clear he relished in the attention the two gave him. That brought up another issue, though. Shirabu. The boy would make comments and jabs at the slightest compliment Tendou gave Goshiki, and has gotten even worse since the new developments. He never fails to point out every little mistake Goshiki makes, and when Tendou or Ushijima encourage him, it's always followed by some remark from Shirabu about how they're babying him.
Goshiki's having an off day. That much is obvious. It started with a nightmare that left him sweaty,thoughts racing, and unable to sleep the rest of the night. And then in morning practice, he kept missing spikes and hitting them out. That really frustrated him. His thing is a super close line shot, and if he can't get that right, why is he on the team? Shirabu seems to agree with that sentiment. "Hey superstar," Shirabu starts, sarcasm thick in his tone, "better work a little harder. You stop being good, and you'll fall off the pedestal Ushijima and Tendou put you on." Ushijima and Tendou are in an assembly for all the school's third years, so they're not there to agree with or deny what Shirabu says. It makes sense to Goshiki. They only like him because he's good at volleyball... Isn't that what he'd planned? Get good at volleyball, make friends? So why does the idea cut so deep in his chest? Goshiki stares blankly at Shirabu as the boy continues, unaware of the damage he's doing to the already fragile boy's insecurities. "Better practice hard. Wouldn't want mommy and daddy to forget about their volleyball star because he started sucking."
The comment is a blow to his gut. His already strong fear that Ushijima and Tendou would get tired of him coupled with the comparison to parents, and Goshiki's rocky relationship with his own. He wants to cry. He wants to run out of practice and lay in his bed and sob into a pillow and try not to drown in the negative thoughts that have started to buzz around in his brain. But if he leaves practice then he'll really start sucking, and Ushijima and Tendou will definitely get tired of him. So he blinks, and one tear rolls down his face, but he's quick to wipe it away and turn to the net, signaling that he's ready to continue practicing. He fails to notice Shirabu looking at him intensely, concern just barely visible in the eyes piercing in the back of his head.
Goshiki makes it through practice, putting more energy and force into his movements in an attempt to distract himself from the fears swirling in his mind. He repeats a mantra in his head "If I work hard, they'll like me." and loses himself in those words, pushing himself harder and harder. By the end, he's sweaty and breathing heavily, but he feel's good. He showers and gets dressed for class, planning to skip lunch and head straight to the gym to practice more when the time comes. His stomach growls through class, a reminder that he forgot to eat breakfast in his exhaustion that morning. He's gotten used to the feeling by the time lunch rolls around, though, and Goshiki's been daydreaming about all the things he wants to work on through his classes, so he doesn't spare food a second thought as he runs to the gym.
Lunch doesn't grant him just a ton of time to practice, but he works up a sweat. He's trying to be more consistent in his jump serves, so he practices those over an over. By the time lunch ends, he's in need of another shower, so he winds up being late to class because even though none of his classmates pay him any attention, he can't imagine what they'd do if he walked in smelling bad and looking disgusting. Turns out, it doesn't really matter because as he walks into class a good five minutes late, the teacher doesn't so much as glance at him. Sometimes being invisible isn't so bad, Goshiki guesses.
Goshiki's empty stomach is long forgotten as he focuses on staying awake through his class. Though, he feels a slight chill on his skin which is weird. But maybe the school's just cold today. He zones out for the rest of his classes and before he knows it, Goshiki's on his way to the gym for afternoon practice.
"Hey Goshiki!" Tendou calls as he walks through the door.
Goshiki smiles at the kind tone, but his heart skips a beat when he remembers Shirabu's words from that morning. He can't suck now. He won't disappoint Tendou and Ushijima. "Hey Tendou! Glad you're back!" He replies genuinely. He's glad the two third years are back, even if he's nervous. Shirabu isn't as ruthless when they're here to defend him.
A hand ruffles Goshiki's hair gently, and he looks up to see Ushijima standing next to him. "How did practice go this morning?" He asks.
"It was good!" Goshiki replies cheerily, hoping the tone will cover the fact that he's lying out of his ass. Ushijima nods his head, accepting the answer, but Goshiki sees Tendou narrow his eyes in suspicion before giving him a questioning look. "It could've been better..." Goshiki concedes, "But it was fine. Promise." He gives Tendou a small smile to prove his point. "And where were you during lunch?" Tendou questions. Goshiki scrambles to think of an acceptable answer. "Um, my teacher kept me for extra tutoring. I ate in her class. Sorry I didn't tell you!" He lies. Tendou seems to accept the answer, so Goshiki goes on to the locker room to change into his practice clothes. His heart is pounding. He can't believe he just lied to one of his only two friends. Will Tendou be mad if he finds out? Will that be the last straw for him and Ushijima? Goshiki knows he's probably already on thin ice even though he's been trying so hard to be the perfect friend. He's always attentive when they're talking, and he's even started reading a manga he's heard Tendou rave about so he can talk to him about it. That's what friends do, right?
Goshiki zones out, lost in his thoughts while he gets dressed, the lack of food and sleep making it hard to concentrate. He jolts harshly when a heavy hand grasps his shoulder. He spins around to see Shirabu standing in front of him, arms by his side, in an unthreatening stance. "Are you coming?" He asks, and the tone isn't quite as sharp as Goshiki has gotten used to.
Goshiki meets Shirabu's eyes for a split second before shooting back towards the ground, and he jerks his head in a nod. Shirabu narrows his eyes, scrutinizing the boy in front of him before turning around and exiting the locker room. Goshiki takes a shaky breath, mentally preparing himself for practice before he walks out the door.
Practice goes okay. Goshiki still misses more spikes than normal, but it's not nearly as bad as this morning. His serves look better too! He smiles to himself. The extra practice must have paid off! Every time he hits a good spike, Tendou compliments him, or Ushijima offers him an encouraging smile. He avoids looking at them when he fails. He can't handle the feeling of knowing he's disappointed them. Shirabu stays weirdly quiet during this practice, not that Goshiki's complaining. He quite enjoys the lack of harsh critique. Goshiki pushes himself even harder during this practice, trying his best to impress the team, and show he's worthy of being on the court. After a few long hours of team practice, they're dismissed, and most of the team heads to the showers. Goshiki doesn't move though. He bounces the volleyball on the ground a few times before throwing it and running into a jump serve. He hits it too hard, though and it goes out. He sighs disappointedly. If he doesn't start to get better, he's going to be alone again, and the thought itself is enough to make his chest tight. He has to do this. He needs to improve.
Ushijima and Tendou watch as the boy serves a ball out before sighing and dejectedly walking to grab another ball, readying himself to try again. They glance at each other as it happens again and Goshiki makes a frustrated noise. "Hey little ace!" Tendou calls.
For some reason the nickname that usually fills Goshiki with feelings of Warm, safe, and family this time shoots ice cold fire through his body. With a rush of adrenaline and a boatload of anxiety, Goshiki nearly growls as he whips around to face his upperclassmen, "Don't call me that."
The two older boys recoil at the unfamiliar tone from the normally sweet, affection starved kid. Tendou furrows his brows in concern. "Hey," he starts gently, "are you okay?" They watch as Goshiki's shoulders tense and he grips the volleyball in his hands tightly.
Goshiki isn't quite sure why he's acting the way he his. Something in him is so angry that Tendou and Ushijima care so much about him. Because if they can care, why can't his parents? And if his parents, the people who are supposed to love you the most, could abandon him, what's stopping Ushijima and Tendou? Especially if he can't do so much as serve the ball correctly. "I'm fine." He clips back in an annoyed tone. Too much is going on in his head, he needs them to leave before the fire burning in him overwhelms him and Goshiki says something he doesn't mean. "Just go. I'm gonna stay for extra practice."
"Do you want us to work with you?" Ushijima asks from beside Tendou.
That's the last straw for Goshiki. He's not helpless! He refuses to burden his upperclassmen. "I'm not a charity case! You don't need to baby me all the time! Just go back to your dorm and forget about me. Leave me alone!" Goshiki yells. Silence rings through the gym. No one says a word as the three boys stare at each other. "...please." Goshiki begs, almost whispering.
Large, desperate eyes meet Tendou's own, and he can't do anything but nod his head and pull Ushijima with him to exit the gym, both in shock at at the unusual display. "Lets just give him some time to cool down." Tendou whispers once they're out of earshot. "I think something happened, but maybe he just needs some time to himself to sort it out." Ushijima nods his head in agreement, and they make their way to their dorm.
Goshiki breathes heavily as he recovers from the rush of emotions he just went through. what did he just do? Panic shoots through his chest and down his spine as the weight of what just occurred dawns on him. He shakes his head, and pushes the thoughts away for now. Right now he needs to practice. Nothing will matter if he sucks at volleyball. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, readying himself for the next serve.
Goshiki is slowly becoming aware of his empty stomach as it makes itself more known. He feels a bit unstable and shaky on his feet, but keeps moving. He's not lazy, and he's certainly not weak. He's not stopping.
Running is getting harder. Every step reverberates in his knees as he stomps heavily, working hard to keep his footing. His head is buzzing a little bit, and nausea is slowly creeping in, but Goshiki can't give up now. He has to prove he has what it takes to be the ace. Ushijima would never give up, even if he felt a little bad. Goshiki repeats that to himself as he picks up a ball for his next jump serve. He can hear his heart pounding loudly in his ears, which is maybe why he doesn't hear the gym doors open as he runs for the jump. What he does hear, however, is a voice asking, "Goshiki, what the fuck?" But Goshiki isn't able to answer as his legs give out when he goes to jump, his ankle rolling painfully underneath him and he crumbles to the ground.
A shriek sounds from Goshiki as his already previously clouded mind begins to register the sharp pain. Shirabu is already running to the boy when he sees him fall, knees hitting the ground next to the trembling boy. "Holy shit, okay. Hey Goshiki, you with me?"
A sharp whine comes from the boy in response and his mouth falls open, panting heavily in pain. "Okay, I know it probably hurts." Shirabu's heart is racing. This is not what he was expecting when we came to the gym at 10pm (2 hours after practice ended, by the way) to grab the sweater he left on accident. He'd noticed something was off with Goshiki, but he wasn't expecting this. He doesn't know how to deal with this. He's all to aware that the boy probably (definitely) doesn't trust him with all of the teasing he's done. Shirabu shakes his head, focusing back on the present. Now's not the time. He can hear pained groans coming from the first year as he hyperventilates. Shirabu's head races, trying to think of a solution. He wishes Tendou was here, Goshiki trusts him. Shirabu gasps, that's it! He can call Tendou and Ushijima.
Shirabu places his hands on Goshiki's shoulders, gently trying to move him so he's lying on his back, facing Shirabu. The boy resists at first, but relaxes as Shirabu explains. "Try to breathe, Goshiki. I know it hurts, but you're not alone. I'm going to call Tendou and Ushijima to help, okay? They'll know what to do." All at once, the fragile peace that Shirabu had managed to create is ruined, and goshiki thrashes his head side to side, breathing getting heavier.
"No! No, please don't call them. Please don't call them!" Goshiki begs.
"I don't understand. I thought you were friends?" Shirabu is confused. Had he misread something?
A sob rings from Goshiki at Shirabu's words. "We were! But- probably not anymore. I- I was mean to them, and I yelled at them and made them leave." He groans through choked cries.
Shirabu is way out of his comfort zone here. Emotions are not his thing, but he can't bring himself to leave Goshiki crying with no help. He wants to investigate more, maybe he can figure out some way to get Goshiki to trust him enough to take him to the nurse. "Why are you here so late? Practice ended hours ago..."
Goshiki is lightheaded. He's tired of talking, and he's not sure how much longer he can stay awake for, suddenly hit with a wave of exhaustion. The ceiling is spinning above him and it feels like his teeth are vibrating in his skull. Goshiki whines, feeling uncomfortable and confused.
"Goshiki, hey. Did you hear me?"
"Hmm?" Goshiki mumbles.
"I asked why you're still here."
"I needed to practice more," Goshiki slurs. He really doesn't feel well. "I can't suck. I don't want Ushi and Ten to hate me." He admits.
Shirabu's breath hitches in his chest as he processes the implication of those words. Goshiki overworked himself tonight and is in really bad shape. He did this because he thinks he needs to practice more so Ushijima and Tendou dont "hate him". He believes they'll hate him if he doesn't work hard... Shirabu is the one who told him that. This is Shirabu's fault. "Shit Goshiki I didn't- fuck. I'm sorry, I didn't know you actually believed me." Shirabu fumbles over his words as the reality of the shitty person he's been to Goshiki dawns on him. He looks down at the boy on the ground, still breathing shakily, but dazedly staring at the ceiling, obviously unaware of the groundbreaking discovery Shirabu's just made.
"Hey." Shirabu says, getting Goshiki to turn his hazy eyes toward him. "I'm going to call Tendou and Ushijima." Goshiki's breathing starts to speed up again, but Shirabu speaks before he has a chance to complain. "Stop. They don't hate you. They won't hate you. I've watched the two of them dote on you like loving parents. They're not going to leave you because of a little argument. I'm calling them, and that's final. Shirabu says.
Goshiki whimpers quietly in response, but doesn't offer anything more. He's having a hard time focusing between the dizziness in his head, the pain in his ankle, and the dread slowly building in his chest at the knowledge that he'll soon have to face the only two people in his life to actually like him, and hope that he didn't ruin everything. Goshiki hopes he can fix his mistakes. He kind of just wants his friends to hold him and tell him it's okay because he can't tell if it is or not. All the unknowns are so scary, tears well up and streak down the sides of Goshiki's face.
Shirabu is quick to dial Ushijima's number as he watches the first year cry silently on the gym floor. Shirabu doesn't think he's ever seen something so heartbreaking. Ushijima picks up on the third ring, "Hello? Shirabu?" Ushijima's voice rings over the speaker. Goshiki whines at the sound, starting to cry harder.
"Ushijima," Shirabu starts, "you and Tendou need to come to the gym as fast as possible."
"Ushi? What's going on?" A voice asks in the background. "Get dressed, we have to go to the gym." Ushijima responds urgently. "What happened?" He asks Shirabu.
"I came to the gym at about 10 to grab something I forgot, and I found Goshiki here, still practicing. I don't know if I distracted him, or if it was because he's obviously exhausted, but he tripped over his feet, and I think he rolled his ankle or something. I don't know exactly, but he's not doing well." Shirabu explains quickly.
Goshiki's sobs have slowly been escalating in volume as he remembers yelling at Ushijima and Tendou, and telling them he didn't need them. What was he thinking? They're all he has. How could he ruin that?
Shirabu stays next to Goshiki, mumbling words like "Breathe," and "Ushijima and Tendou are on their way." But other than that, Shirabu is wildly unsure of how to handle this situation. He's always thought of Goshiki as a spoiled, stuck-up kid, who thinks he deserves praise without really working at it. Looking at him now, though, panicking because he thinks his only friends are going to hate him, and on the brink of passing out because he's so desperate to prove himself. Shirabu can't help but think how wrong his assumptions about the boy had been. He's really an asshole.
Soon enough, there are heavy footsteps approaching and the gym doors swing open, revealing Ushijima and Tendou in their sleep clothes. They had obviously thrown on whatever was lying around. They look frantically at the crying boy on the floor before running to him.
"Okay, okay, Goshiki. Try to breathe deep breaths. You can do it. I know you're in pain, but we need to calm you down so we can get you checked out." Tendou soothes, stroking a hand through sweat-soaked hair.
Goshiki closes his eyes at the touch, guilt building in his stomach, along with nausea and panic. "I-I'm-" Goshiki hiccups, his breathing too frantic to get words out. "I'm sor-sorry!" He wails, pushing the words through the lump his throat. He needs them to know. "I'm so sorry." Goshiki sobs, eyes unfocused, facing the ceiling of the gym. His head is still spinning wildly. It almost feels like he's on a boat. He feels a large hand wrap around his own, and he squeezes tight, the feeling grounding him.
"It's okay. We'll talk about what happened later. Right now, we just need you to calm down, okay? You can do that! I know you can!" Tendou encourages. He places the hand that's not in Goshiki's hair on the boy's chest, palm down, splayed out and rubbing comfortingly. Goshiki nods as he hiccups over sobs and squeezes Ushijima's hand intermittently in a grounding rhythm.
As the panic slowly recedes, Goshiki becomes more aware of his body. His ankle is throbbing, his body is covered in an uncomfortable cold sweat and nausea settles in his empty stomach. He groans in discomfort as he processes the feeling.
"What's wrong, Goshiki?" Ushijima asks, squeezing the hand in his own.
Goshiki whines, squeezing his eyes shut as a headache begins pounding in his head, the lights becoming too much. "I don't feel good.'vrything's spinning." Goshiki mumbles as he tries to make the movement stop.
Ushijima and Tendou look at each other, panicked. "Did you hit your head?" Tendou questions.
"Hm?" Goshiki responds, feeling floaty.
"Goshiki, I need an answer. Did you hit your head when you fell?" Tendou asks strictly.
Goshiki whines at the tone. "No, I didn't hit my head! Just-" Goshiki stops as a wave of nausea passes over him and he swallows harshly, his body going taut. He clenches his jaw and takes deep breaths through his nose. After a few seconds it passes and he squints his eyes open to see matching worried expressions on Tendou and Ushijima's faces. "I kind of... Haven't eaten anything today." Goshiki admits quietly.
Shirabu, who has been silently watching from a few feet away speaks up at this. "What the fuck? Why??" He questions, eyes wide. If Goshiki's telling the truth, it makes complete sense why he's so out of it. His body is running on no fuel. That's insanely unhealthy.
Goshiki tries to lift his head up to glance at Shirabu, but the action makes the spinning worse, so he rests it back on the floor. "I missed breakfast, and I practiced during lunch. I needed to practice." Goshiki insists.
"No." Shirabu says harshly. Tendou opens his mouth to tell him it's not the time, but Shirabu continues before he can. "I was an asshole. Ushijma and Tendou aren't going to abandon you or something because you mess up a few times. And you certainly should not put practice before your body's needs. In order to improve, in order to get stronger..." Shirabu pauses, looking meaningfully at the first year on the ground. "In order to be the Ace, you need to take care of yourself. This can't happen." Shirabu turns his gaze to Ushijima. "He should probably stay out of practice tomorrow, to recover." He turns back to Goshiki, who's staring up at him with wide eyes. "I'll see you in practice. You better be healthy." Shirabu says before turning on his heel and walking out of the gym, leaving the three boys sitting on the ground.
"He's right, Goshiki." Ushijima says quietly, stroking his thumb on Goshiki's hand. "But we can talk about this after we get you checked out by the nurse. She should still be here." Ushijima stands and stretches before bending to pick Goshiki up, and settle him in his arms. The younger boy is still weak, so he can't hold on as tightly as he'd like, but Ushijima makes up for it by wrapping his arms around him securely and beginning the walk to the nurses office. Tendou opens the doors for them as they walk.
Goshiki almost falls asleep in Ushijima's arms on the journey, the rhythmic movement, and the warmth of his Senpai's arms make him feel safe, and after the day he's had, Goshiki has been longing for the comfort. They get to the office quickly, and Ushijima sits on a cot with Goshiki still wrapped in his arms. Slowly stroking his back, Ushijima coaxes the younger boy to unwrap from him and lie down in the bed while Tendou explains what happened to the nurse. She examines his ankle and determines it's just a minor injury, nothing that some ice, and being careful for a couple days won't fix. They tell her he needs food, and she's quick to grab a spare bento from the mini fridge in her office, telling them to feed it to him once they get back to the dorm.
Ushijima stands and picks up Goshiki once again while Tendou carries the food, and the three make their way back to the dorm.
They sit in the same order as before, with Tendou in the Corner, then Goshiki, then Ushijima on the outside. Even though Goshiki is fighting sleep, they know they need to make him eat at least a little food, and drink some water before he goes to sleep, or he'll feel even worse in the morning. "Hey, little ace." Tendou urges, ruffling his underclassman's hair softly to wake him up.
"Mmm..." Goshiki mumbles, not wanting to open his eyes.
"Come on, Goshiki. We just need you to eat some then we can sleep, okay?" Ushijima tries.
Goshiki squeezes his eyes before blinking them open, and turns his head slowly to face Ushijima. "'Kay." He mumbles, smiling just slightly. He takes the food from Ushijima and scoops a few bites into his mouth, while Tendou and Ushijima talk quietly. It's familiar. Goshiki feels warm. He rests hid head on Ushijima's shoulder, slowly shoveling food in his mouth. He finishes about half the bento before handing it back, and drinking the bottle of water. He didn't realize how thirsty he was! He gulps it down, breathing heavily when he stops.
"Good!" Tendou praises, ruffling Goshiki's hair. "Ready for bed now?" He asks, noticing the boy's heavy eyes and nodding head.
"Mhm.." Goshiki responds before sliding down to lie his head on one of the many pillows. Ushijima and Tendou follow suit, Ushijima lying on his back, Goshiki on his side, curled into him, and Tendou behind Goshiki, arm draping over him to rest on Ushijima's chest. "I'm sorry." Goshiki mumbles tiredly, muffles by Ushijima's shirt. "No need to apologize Goshiki. We're here, and we're not leaving you." Ushijima says honestly. The reassurance bubbles in Goshiki's chest and helps ward off the lingering insecurities floating around his brain. He sighs contentedly and nuzzles his head further into Ushijima's side, reaching for the arm Tendou has resting on his boyfriend's chest. He pulls it so it's curled over him, and he can wrap himself around the arm. Tendou chuckles at the action and squeezes Goshiki in a tight hug from behind. "Sweet dreams, little ace." It doesn't take long before Goshiki's drifting off, feeling secure in his upperclassmen's grasp.