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Bellamy knows it’s one of the bad days the moment he walks into the cabin.
Even with the relative peace of the last couple years following the culmination of the Mountain and Ice Nation conflicts, Clarke has kept up her habit of constantly being on the move until she practically exhausts herself. Adding a pregnancy into the mix has changed nothing, despite multiple advisements from Abby and Jackson. From practically the start of her pregnancy, Clarke had insisted on carrying out the many healer duties that she took upon herself when she returned from her solitary time after the Mountain to rejoin the rest of the Ark’s survivors in the continually spreading Ark settlement.
Each day, Bellamy still makes the trek from their cabin on the other side of the valley to the expanding colony to help with construction and organization - the unofficial job he’s held since essentially his first week on Earth. Often, Bellamy will come back later in the day to find Clarke has been so engrossed in whatever task she has set upon herself that she has hardly paused to think, let alone eat.
Those days still manage to rank among the good ones.
The lack of movement inside the cabin today is unnerving to Bellamy in more than one way, and he quickly locates Clarke on their bed, her back to him. He quietly removes his pack and boots, thankful that he and Miller kept their daily conversation shorter than usual today.
Walking around the bed, Bellamy takes in the medicinal ingredients left abandoned on the table in the corner where Clarke usually prepares her salves. He turns his attention back to Clarke, moving closer to the end where she’s laying on her side and lowers himself to the floor to face her. Clarke’s eyes are unfocused, her body almost completely still.
“Clarke,” Bellamy says softly, brushing her hair back from her forehead, before gently caressing her temple with his thumb. “Clarke, come back to me.”
Bellamy continues to murmur quietly to her, watching her slowly blink a few times before she finally focuses her gaze on him. They stay silent, Bellamy continuing his soothing movements with one hand while Clarke reaches for his other that’s resting on the blanket next to her.
She closes her eyes after a few moments, tugging slightly on his hand she's grasping. Bellamy climbs into the bed behind her, one outstretched arm snaking it's way under her head, and the other settling to rest on her barely swollen belly, finding her hand there already. Bellamy waits her out, knowing that Clarke will end up doing one of two things: talk to him about what's wrong, or fall asleep from the soothing strokes Bellamy continues to make. Either option would probably be beneficial to her at this point.
Clarke takes in a deep breath, then whispers, "I don't think I can do this."
Bellamy stays quiet, but presses a soft kiss to the nape of her neck to let her know he's listening, waiting for her to continue. When she speaks again, he knows she’s fighting to mask the trembling in her voice.
“I know we talked about this, and I know I wanted this child. I know I want this child. But right now, I just… can’t find it in me to feel like this is not a mistake. I thought I could get through the day if I just focused on my work, but the feeling was just so overwhelming. And I knew it’s just a bad day, so I tried to sleep some because I know that helps sometimes, but then sleep wouldn’t come and I just... “
Clarke sounds so lost right now, so lost within herself, and Bellamy is reminded of years ago trying to help her work through her demons, and watching her walk away from him. But that was before when, as much as they took on the responsibility of leading together, they weren’t at a point where they could take on everything together. Hell, they had only really known each other for a month at that point. Now, after years of building on that trust and intimacy, Clarke’s relapses don’t make Bellamy feel as powerless as he used to, and Clarke isn’t as quick to dismiss his comfort.
Bellamy presses a kiss to Clarke’s shoulder, waiting for her to continue.
“After everything I’ve done, all the blood on my hands… I don’t think I deserve this chance at happiness. Why should I get to live this life, when I prevented so many others from the same opportunity?”
Bellamy carefully tugs on Clarke, helping her shift in his embrace to face him, and cradles her face in his hands.
“You did what you had to to protect your people. It’s who you are. It’s who we are. We did it so our people could live, and this is a part of living. It’s ensuring our people’s survival, that any sacrifices that were made were not done in vain,” Bellamy tells her. It’s not the first time they’ve had this conversation, and it’s most definitely not the last, but he will always respond with just as much certainty and sincerity as he did the first time. “We want this child because we’ve both fought so hard to secure a future for our people, and this is our way to pass on the Sky legacy. But even more than that, Clarke, we want this child because we want it. Because no one can tell us that we can’t have some kind of happiness in our lives, no matter what we’ve done in our past.”
Clarke nods, her eyes lowering. Her lips purse and eye brows furrow a bit, before she says, “What if I make mistakes with our child? I don’t know if I could live with myself if I let something happen, if I was the reason something happened. I don’t want to poison my child’s life because of my past or whatever’s in my future.”
“You make the decisions you think are right, and you deal with any consequences that come from them. That’s what we do. It’s what we’ve always done.” Bellamy pauses, thinking back on the terrifying weight of ‘Your sister, your responsibility’ that he took on at such a young age. He laces his fingers with Clarke’s hand that lays in between them, and continues, “Neither of us are alone in this. We’ll do it together, you and me. And probably a whole host of extended real and pseudo family, too.”
Clarke lets out a small laugh, and moves closer to Bellamy so she can rest her forehead on his chest, inviting him to wrap his arms around her. They stay like that for a while, enjoying the chance to simply be at peace with one another, until Clarke speaks again.
“Nyko stopped by this morning. He brought more plants that seem to be popping up in our region more frequently now. Including this one.” She sits up and leans over the edge of the bed to reach down to the floor, and brings back a small plant with multiple white bell-shaped flowers at the top of the stem, wrapped in a small cloth. “He called it a Lily of the Valley, which started me thinking it might be a good name for a daughter…”
Bellamy’s entire face relaxes into a smile as he eases onto his back, glad to see Clarke returning to a better emotional balance than she’d been in when he found her. “Oh? You’re sure we’re going to have a daughter?”
“Please,” Clarke says. “Like Bellamy Blake would have anything but a daughter.”
“Hmm,” Bellamy hums, taking the plant from her and smelling it. “Pretty.”
“Pretty,” Clarke agrees, plucking the plant from his fingers, “but apparently highly poisonous. Not exactly the kind of legacy I want for my daughter.”
Bellamy watches Clarke return the plant to the floor next to the bed, and part of their previous conversation clicks into place for him. “So, not Lily, then.”
“Not Lily,” Clarke sighs, curling into Bellamy’s side and resting her head on his chest.
Bellamy is quiet for a while, his fingers absently running through the strands of her hair.
“Maybe we should pick a name that fits in with the Sky legacy,” he finally suggests.
“We are not naming our child Ark,” Clarke replies, immediately.
“No, just…” he starts. “Hear me out. We want our child to have the opportunity to be happy and optimistic, right? Jovial?”
“Yes,” Clarke draws the word out, like she’s unsure of what he’s working towards.
“Well, the word jovial is associated with Jupiter, for those born under the influence of that planet, which was named after the Ancient Roman god Jupiter, who was essentially the Roman equivalent of Zeus, ruler of the realm of the sky.”
Bellamy holds his breath as a moment passes, and Clarke raises her head to rest her chin on his chest.
“Jupiter?” she asks, raising an eyebrow.
Bellamy nods.
Clarke hums noncommittally, making him wait until, finally, the corners of her mouth quirk upwards as she says, “I like it.”
He smiles wide, and Clarke starts to lays her head back on his chest just as he says contentedly, “Jupiter Blake.”
Her head snaps back up as she scoffs at him. “Jupiter Griffin.”
Bellamy raises his eyebrows. “Jupiter Griffin-Blake?” he asks, compromising.
Clarke thinks it over, then nods in satisfaction. She pauses for a moment, letting their eyes meet, before quietly adding, “Jupiter kom Skaikru.”
Bellamy’s grip tightens slightly, and Clarke starts to slowly move upwards until she can throw her leg over his hips and settle her hands on his chest. Bellamy’s hands find their way under her shirt, sprawling across her ribcage and up her spine as she leans down to kiss him firmly on the lips.
It turns out to be a very good night.