Chapter Text
Rafael sat at his desk in his office, picking at the takeout he had gotten for lunch. The office was mercifully cool, with the air conditioner blasting, as the summer day blazed on and all he could think about was Olivia Benson.
Olivia who was currently on her summer trip in Paris with her son and her boyfriend, Ed Tucker.
His stomach rolled again, leaving his belly in a churning mess; he picked at the rice, scraping the grains around the container. A bitterness filling his mouth thinking about the messy state their friendship was in right now, which he infinitely made worse by informing 1PP about them. She had been furious, but if Rafael was honest, he did it because it was his professional obligation. He never wanted to hurt her.
Rafael’s mind went back to that day in his office when he had discovered her relationship with Tucker. The shock and hurt that had quickly filled his every pore, when she did not deny a romantic entanglement with Ed. The following days after the discovery left him dejected and he thought that pain came from finding out his friend had hidden an integral part of her life, that she didn’t consider him a close friend the way he thought of her. And as the days went on, with all communications between them dwindling into only professional ones, he missed her. He missed her friendship, and it was during this period that he realized what the persistent nausea within him, that hadn’t left him since that day, truly was.
It was the acidic and acrid pill of unrequited love and jealousy.
Because Rafael realized, sitting in a bar full of members of the NYPD, as he glanced at Olivia with Ed’s arm wrapped around her waist, did he recognize that he loved her. That he had completely and unknowingly fell for her so hard, he could not even begin to locate the starting point of those feelings, they simply existed. He just hadn’t been cognizant of them.
Rafael hadn’t realized that the professional veneration he had for her had bloomed into romance. That when he observed her during work, was not simply admiration at seeing her do her job; finessing the truth out of the lowest beings of humanity until they were caught in her web unable to lie themselves out of another crime. When he would stand in court, in front of every judge and jury during a case, he would always glance back at her. Not only in comradery, but subconsciously, in the dark recesses of his head and heart, it had become another offering to bestow on her lap. That he had done his best work on every case, because as always, he gave them such meticulous care as a professional, and for the sole purpose of not wanting to disappoint her. She brought out an unknown quality that he hadn’t noticed resided within himself and had drawn it out of him. She made him a better person, but it wasn’t just him that was affected by her in that regard. She was like the sun, with every person encountering her left yearning for more of her warmth. He knew because he was one of them.
And now she was with someone else. Someone who was not him.
Rafael did not want to think about Ed and Olivia together, but the unwanted images seeped into his mind like invasive weeds. Them holding hands, kissing, cuddling…He shook his head to drive those thoughts that brought pangs of unease within him and scarfed down another mouthful of rice. The second he placed the food into his mouth he regretted it, chewing through what felt like bland gravel. Rafael knew he was being harsh on the food, seeing as how he usually ordered from that place, and he loved the rice, just not today. He pushed the container of takeout away from him, the little hunger he had in the beginning having left him completely.
Rafael buried his face into his hands and let out a small groan of frustration. He just wanted this jumble of emotions within him to disappear, so he can easily be around Olivia without the spasms of despondency saturating his insides. He just wanted to breathe easier around her. He would have preferred if he had never registered these feelings to begin with, not knowing where to start in filtering through them.
“Stop moping, Rafael.”
Barba widened his fingers, spreading them enough, to see Rita Calhoun standing at the entrance of his office. He groaned again, this time at her, the last thing he wanted was to deal with her sharp witticism right now. So, he was taken by surprised when she plopped herself down on the chair in front of his desk and looked at him with uncharacteristic concern. If she was going to be looking at him like that, he definitely wanted her out of there.
“You need to-”
“I don’t want to hear it,” Rafael cut her off.
She looked at him in exasperation. “Well, too bad.”
“Please, don’t.” Rafael lowered his hands, looking at her with half-hearted annoyance.
She raised an eyebrow, daring him to try to stop her.
“I’m calling in that favor you owe me,” She began. “I need a date for a wedding.”
Rafael tilted his head in bewilderment. “You’re kidding, right?”
Rita stretched her arm across his desk to slap his shoulder. “Not for me!”
They looked at each other and shuddered, not even a pretend date was something they could picture between them. And anyone who knew them would know that hell would freeze before they ever became a romantic pair.
Rafael narrowed his eyes at her, wary of what Rita had in store for him. He laid his head on his hand and leaned on the desk waiting for her to say her piece.
She rolled her eyes at his suspicion. “A friend is getting married next weekend,” She started. “And another friend of mine that is attending does not have a partner for the wedding and the last thing she needs to worry about is going stag.”
Rafael looked at her in vexation, but before he could negate her offer, Rita continued.
“I’m using my no-questions-asked for this.” She went on. “And I’m calling it in.”
Rafael gritted his teeth in mild irritation, this was the last thing he wanted to do. He just wanted to continue to work and go home, with the occasion of visiting his mother but she was starting to notice his melancholic demeanor that he was contemplating in adding more time between his visits. Because if she noticed and she saw no change in his attitude then she would ask and unlike everybody else he couldn’t brush her off.
And the last person he wanted to spew all this emotional upheaval on was his mother.
His silence warranted more words from Rita apparently.
“You can’t just sit here and wallow in self-pity,” Rita added. “She’s in Paris with Tucker.”
“I already know that.” He replied, trying to ignore the sour prongs of unease in his belly and heart. “Kind of hard to miss, seeing as I work with her.”
“So, that must mean it’s serious.” She said, unknowingly adding more salt to his wounds. “I know. It sucks and hurts but Rafa, you can’t continue like this; it’s not healthy for you. What if he took her there to propose?”
That was Rafael’s most persistent nightmare right now, since the day she left on her trip. That she would return with a shiny new ring on her left hand. He swallowed, unsure of what to say. Hell, it was a fear that he had since knowing of her relationship in general, if this was the last one, the possibility that she found the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. But if he loved her, shouldn't he be happy for her?
“I’m not asking you to romance my friend, but I am telling you to please just be good company for her.”
Rafael glanced up at her, wondering over this friend of hers; the one that Rita would use up her no-questions-asked favor on.
“In fact,” She pressed on. “Because of your unwillingness to look at anyone else besides Olivia Benson right now is precisely why I’m asking you. She isn’t in a position for romance either and you are not like other men who would take advantage of her vulnerability.”
Rafael sighed, knowing that he would not be getting out of this and so to avoid any more unnecessary argument he conceded. It would be sacrilege to deny her this request seeing as how she used her big, yearly favor on this.
“Fine,” He agreed. “Just tell me when.”
Rita smiled, happy that the fight left him, making her job easier now. “Next week.”
He nodded, pressing his thumb and forefinger onto his nose, “Alright.”
“You’ll be riding with me.” Rita explained.
“Afraid I won’t show?” Rafael jested half-heartedly.
Rita looked at him in contemplation, not rebutting his jokes like she usually would. “I don’t have to worry about that. You always keep your word and thank you for this.”
He looked away, unsettled by the kind words Rita shared. He simply nodded at her and looked down at his unfinished paperwork. “Can’t really back out now, you used your no-questions-asked.”
She rolled her eyes at him one last time at his blatant regard in avoiding personal compliments and left him to his work.
Rafael looked up after Rita left, sighing once more.
Maybe this was a good thing, a not romantic venture but just a day in which Rafael was not focused on thinking about Olivia. And then he thought of the ‘love is in the air’ atmosphere a wedding had, and he dropped his head back onto the back of his chair and stared at the ceiling. Being around happy people in love was not the kind of group he wanted to surround himself with and he lamented that Rita was being kind for once and using her favor for someone else rather than herself.