Chapter Text
You text Rose under your desk all day and come to the conclusion that your parents would make a hilarious, but ultimately doomed, couple.
You Skype Dave over lunch and end up blocking him when you make an innocent typo that he takes and runs too far with, culminating in a dramatic declaration of love to a nearby smuppet.
You call Jade on the bus home (it’s still morning to her) and let her rant and rave about how Becquerel heard her complain that they were out of cereal, and consequently teleported a live and very upset dolphin into her kitchen. (“He was just trying to feed us, but still!”)
All in all, it was a pretty normal day right up until you step off the school bus, unlock your front door, and step into your home.
“No, he doesn’t!” Dad’s angry voice freezes you in your tracks. “And neither does she, Jacob, we have guidelines for a good damn reason!”
You forget to hold onto the front door, which falls shut with a thud. You jump.
Dad appears at the kitchen door, phone in hand. “Oh… Listen, Jacob, we’ll talk about this later, my son just got home. I’ll call… yes. Yes. Goodbye.” He clicks the phone off and turns back to you with a smile. “Hi, John. How was school?”
You realize you’re still standing by the door, and trail after Dad into the kitchen. “It was okay, I guess. I thought you’d still be at work.”
Dad hangs up the phone with his back to you, carefully winding the cord up. “I was, but one of the machines on the factory floor crashed and they sent everyone home.”
Oh. That’s probably why he was yelling about guidelines. “Huh. Did you get it working again?”
“They’re calling someone in tomorrow.” He finally turns to you and ruffles your hair, which you try and fail to avoid. “Go wash up for dinner, I’m making chicken.”
You make a grab at his fedora (and miss) before darting out the door and up the stairs. As you dump all your school shit on the floor, a flashing notification on your computer screen catches your eye. Huh. You know you shut it down before you left this morning. Did Dad go on your computer while you were gone? No, he wouldn’t do that; besides, you have it password-protected. Just then, your phone rings; Texas area code, unknown contact. You pick up.
“Unblock me on Pesterchum before I drive up there to Asstown Washington and shit on your desk,” Dave says before you can say hello.
“No. What poor kid did you steal this phone from?”
“I’m borrowing my bro’s, this is important. Go unblock me, I need to send you a link.”
"To what? If it’s more weird tentacle porn, I’m reporting your account.”
“Dude. No. A) hentai is art, and B) it’s an article about how fucking shady your dad’s company is.”
“I’m hanging up.”
“Egbert. This is important. You’re my baby daddy. You owe me this.”
You almost hang up right then and there, but the flashing Pesterchum notification catches your eye. “Hey Dave, your bro is invasive and stalkery, right?”
“Them’s fightin’ words, John. I’m catching a bus down there to kick your ass and defend the family honor. But honestly yeah he is, why do you ask?”
“I kind of think my dad went on my computer while I was at school? I mean, I remember shutting it off this morning, but it’s on and logged in, but my dad doesn’t seem like that kind of dad, you know? Plus it’s passworded.”
“Egbert. Your password is ‘password.’”
You jump. “How the hell did you know that?”
“Oh my god. It’s actually ‘password’? This is the best day of my fucking life.”
“Shut up, you dick! This is serious!”
Dad’s voice drifts up the stairs. “Five minutes ‘til dinner, John!”
You lean away from the phone and yell back. “Okay, just a minute!”
“Hey, you know,” Dave is saying, “I think my bro is doing the same thing, getting all snakey and weird. Weirder than usual. Like, okay, two nights ago he woke me up at ass o’ clock in the morning for a strife on the roof. It was raining, Egbert. I could have died.”
“And that’s weird… how?”
“Dude.” You can hear him rolling his eyes. “Bro does a lot of weird-ass shit, but he doesn’t wake me up that late on a school night, you know? I’ve got an academic future to nurture.”
“Wow, yeah, super weird then. At least you don’t have a live dolphin in your kitchen.”
“John, what the literal fuck.”
“You haven’t talked to Jade today? Oh man, go call her right now and ask her about the dolphin. Now. I gotta go eat, bye.”
“John, okay, hang on, go unblock me though, for real, I’m not—” Click.
You’re sitting down to dinner when you remember you never did check that flashing notification icon. Oh well, you’ll get to it later. Maybe you’ll even unblock Dave while you’re at it.
“So who were you talking to up there?” Dad asks, setting down a plate of buns.
“Mm. Dave. He was mad, I blocked him on Pesterchum earlier.” You reach over and grab two.
“Huh. How’s he doing? I haven’t heard much from him lately.”
“Okay, I guess. I mean, he complains about his brother being neurotic and weird, but he always does that, so I wouldn’t worry.”
Dad pauses before releasing a light chuckle. “Well, it can’t be easy for either of them. It’s a wonder Dave has turned out as well as he has.”
“I’m well-adjusted though, right?” you ask, immediately shoving an entire chicken wing into your mouth straight-faced.
Dad laughs and throws a wadded napkin at you. “You could’ve turned out worse, I suppose.”
Your phone hums in your pocket, but Dad has a rule about electronics at the table, so you let it buzz and go to voicemail. Probably just Dave again. It rings and goes to voicemail three more times, and then, very faintly, you hear the telltale pop of a Pesterchum message from your computer upstairs. You glance at Dad. Did he go on your laptop while you were gone? Should you even ask him about it?
You clear your throat cautiously. “Hey so um, did you, uh… clean my room or something today? While I was at school? Cause my computer was on, and uh, I remember turning it off, and I’m just thinking like, did I go crazy and forget, or did…?”
About halfway through your rambling, Dad fixes you with a strange look, and now he’s set down his fork and shoots a quick glance at his phone. “No, I haven’t been in your room today. Isn’t it password-protected anyway, though?”
Your phone vibrates again, distracting you. You pick at your food, suddenly not hungry. “Yeah, I just… huh. Thought I shut it off. That’s weird.” You try to laugh it off, but the chuckle dies somewhere in your throat.
The kitchen phone rings, startling you both. Dad’s up to get it before the first ring fades. While he picks it up, you sneak a glance at your phone.
Three missed calls from Dave.
Two from Rose.
While you’re contemplating that, Jade calls. You almost tap the answer button, but Dad’s voice cuts in, steady but harsh.
“John. Go upstairs and get your laptop, its charger, and your phone charger.”
Chills run down your spine. You stand up, Jade’s call going to voicemail, but your feet won’t move. “Wh… Dad?” Your heart is pounding and you aren’t sure why.
“Right now, son.”
You rip yourself away and make it to the stairs before stopping to listen.
“…far away?” Dad is saying, quiet and fast. “I can’t just… Does Dirk… okay. Yes. We are, Jacob, right now. Did you see how l… no, listen to me, we will come to you. Don’t put her in danger. You said drones, are they the mech… right. We’ll get Dirk and meet in New York, we can restock and get back to you from… John!”
You jump, scurry up the stairs, and yell from the top. “Give me ten seconds!” You dart into your room and snatch up your backpack, dumping out the contents and stuffing the laptop charger inside it. You cram your phone charger in too, turn to your computer, and freeze.
Something is staring back at you.
A face takes up the entire screen, like a screamer Dave would send you, but it’s not moving or making sound. The only visible features are staring black eyes and a set of grinning, neon pink lips. It blinks once, startling you into dropping the phone charger, and disappears.
You suddenly, desperately, do not want to touch your laptop.
But Dad yells your name with an edge of fear that cuts through your panic, and you snatch up the computer and your phone charger, stuff them in your backpack, and barrel back down the stairs. Dad is there, digging through the closet by the front door, and comes out with two black duffel bags. “Get Nanna,” he says without looking at you, and goes outside.
You turn to the urn of ashes over the fireplace, and your heart sinks.
You aren’t coming back.
You grab Nanna’s ashes and follow Dad outside.
~
“Okay, Dad, I get that we’re in a hurry, but… what the hell is happening?” You buckle into the backseat and settle Nanna’s urn securely in your backpack.
“We’re…” Dad jerks the wheel sideways to avoid a wandering dog. You slip and hit the door, and he looks back to make sure you’re okay. “We’re driving to Texas, right now. We have to meet up with the Striders.”
“The… uhh. Like. Dave, my Internet friend that you’ve never met? That Strider?”
“And his brother Dirk, yes, those Striders.”
You realize your phone is going off in your hand. You glance down. Eight missed calls from Dave. Six from Jade. Four from Rose. The number calling you now is the one you recognize as Dave’s bro’s phone. You look to Dad, but he’s peering intently at the sky as he maneuvers you out of the suburban neighborhood. You pick up.
“Dave?”
“Nope, the other one. Egbert, your dad there?” The voice on the other end is rough, deep, and thickly accented.
“Yeah… hang on.” You’re dying of curiosity, and you’re terrified, and it’s been maybe an hour since you stepped off the bus, and you haven’t forgotten those grinning pink lips and blank eyes on your computer screen – but you aren’t an idiot. You can tell this isn’t the time to start asking the questions burning you up.
So you hold the phone to Dad and say, “It’s Dave’s bro.”
Dad snatches your phone. “Dirk? Yes. No, we’re getting out now, we’re in the car. We’re headed down to you. …No, absolutely not. Wait there. Jake says they haven’t mobilized in Texas yet. We’ll get to you before… Nothing yet, I told him.” Dad’s eyes flash briefly to meet yours in the rearview mirror. “I know, Dirk. But for now, you both are safest in the crowd where you are. Have you heard from Lalonde?”
Lalonde? Dad knows Rose’s mom now, too? You press your forehead against the cool glass of the window and try not to panic or pass out.
“Well, keep in touch with her. Use Dave if you need to. Only cut off contact if you see drones. Don’t call Jake, he’s shut off all transmissions to keep them from finding the island.”
Island. You close your eyes. You’d bet your eyeteeth that he’s talking about Jade’s home, and Jake is her granddad’s name. How the hell does Dad know all your friends? What are drones? What, exactly, are you running from, and why is it coming after you – and apparently the Striders? What the fuck is chasing you?
Just then, you realize Dad is saying your name. You open your eyes to find him handing your phone back and giving you instructions. “…Jade. Okay? Every thirty minutes, do you hear me?”
“No. I mean, okay, wait, back up, what?”
“I said, we’re setting up a daisy chain of contact. The Striders will be in contact with the Lalondes for the next ten minutes, while we’re in contact with the Harleys, okay? Call Jade right now, I’ll keep explaining while you do.”
You nod, speechless, and press speed-dial 3. Jade picks up on the first ring.
“John?” Her voice is frantic, which doesn’t do much to help your nerves. “Please, please, tell me you know what’s happening, please, I’m really worried and confused right now.”
“Put her on speaker,” Dad says. “Jade? This is John’s father. Are you with your grandfather?”
“No, he had to go down to the lab, but I have Bec.”
“Good. That’s good, wait for him. I was just telling John our immediate plan.” Dad pauses to take a deep breath. “Dave or his brother are currently calling the Lalondes, just like what we’re doing here. In ten minutes, we’re all going to hang up and switch. Jade, you will be calling Dave. John, you wait for a call from Rose. Then after another ten minutes, we switch again. Dave will call us, and Jade, you call Rose. Ten minutes after that, we go back to this configuration. Do you both understand?”
Jade gives a shaky yeeeees, and you just nod at his reflection in the rearview mirror.
“If someone hangs up abruptly, don’t call them back. That means something’s gone wrong. Send a text to the other two and wait.” Dad swerves around a corner. You’re finally almost out of the subdivision.
“Wh…” Your sentence catches and sticks in your dry mouth. You struggle to swallow and try again. “What are we supposed to talk about?”
“It doesn’t matter. The point is being in contact.”
“What’s going on?” Jade finally shouts.
There’s a beat of silence. In the rearview, you can see Dad glance away to think of an answer. Finally, he speaks, slowly and carefully. “A long time ago, Jade, your grandfather, Rose’s mother, David’s brother, and myself… We found out some incriminating things about someone very powerful. We split up for safety, but we set up plans and guidelines in case… something like this happened. Right now, this powerful person is trying to find us, so we’re going into deeper hiding. Jade, our hope is to all arrive at your island, because the person looking for us doesn’t know it exists… John?”
Your eyes jerk open. You hadn’t realized you’d closed them. You meet Dad’s eyes in the mirror. He’s giving you the same concerned look he did when you had the flu last summer and your fever spiked to 104. You sit up straight and try to mentally shake yourself awake. “Yeah, I get it. Sorry.”
Dad opens his mouth to say something else, but a distant – and yet somehow very very close – crash cuts him off. His eyes widen and the car lurches forward with a sudden burst of speed. You twist around in your seat and see a towering ball of fire and smoke rising from deep in the neighborhood. You only see it for an instant before the car swings around a corner, but it was enough. You know that was your home.
~
When you hang up with Jade, it takes less than thirty seconds for your phone to light up with Rose’s number. Honestly you just want to lie down and not think for an hour or two, but you dutifully pick up before the first ring fades. “Egbert residence,” you say casually, because if you can pretend everything’s okay then maybe Rose will play along, and if Rose pretends everything is okay then maybe you won’t break down.
“Good evening, Mr. Egbert, I hope you’re well?” Rose says, and you’re so relieved she’s playing along that it makes you dizzy.
“What do you mean evening? It’s like, four in the afternoon.”
“Mmm. Time zones, John.”
“Oh yeah. Damn.” You can’t think of anything else to say, and start to flounder.
Thankfully, Rose came prepared. “Speaking of time, this whole thing couldn’t have happened at a more opportune moment. Had it been a day later, I would’ve had to perform a group project in Earth Sciences. With other students. About volcanoes.”
That drags a chuckle out of you. The way Dad’s shoulders lose a little tension doesn’t go unnoticed by you. “Ouch, yeah, good thing you got out of that. Your teammates would’ve been miserable.” The weight of anxiety in your chest eases just a bit when you catch Rose’s quiet breath of laughter.
“I’m not a good student?” she says in a half-hurt, half-mocking tone.
“Rose, no. You’re a fantastic student. You could probably teach half your classes. What you suck ass at is teamwork.” You pause to think. “Although, now that I’m thinking about it… I had a Spanish oral presentation to do tomorrow, so this is really convenient timing for me, too.”
“There’s some psychological symbolism there, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah, I hate giving oral. You’ve made that joke before.” Up front, Dad suffers a sudden coughing fit.
You banter with Rose until your ten minutes are up. As you wait for Dave to call, you realize with faint amusement that you never did unblock him on Pesterchum. Before you can do anything about it, though, your phone lights up with Dave’s contact picture. (It’s a screencap of Sweet Bro. You haven’t told him that, though. You always tell him you’re refusing to read his shitty webcomic on principle, but you’ve set up a ping to alert you when there’s new pages. You’ll never give him the satisfaction of knowing that, though.)
When you pick up, you don’t even get to say hello. “You still haven’t unblocked me, you dickhead. Also, Bro wants to know where you are.”
“Dad, Dave’s bro wants to know where we are.”
“Just passed the Oregon state line. We’re on I-90.”
You relay the information and lapse into silence. You look out the window at the overcast sky, the clouds being whipped into roiling foam by an indecisive headwind.
Dave breaks the silence first. “This sucks donkey balls, Egbert.”
“I know.”
“So many donkey balls.”
“I know.”
“I mean, this whole situation sucks donkey balls like nobody’s goddamn business. Donkey ball vacuum. One after the other. Donkey testicles stretching ahead for eternity and oblivion.”
“I get it, Dave.”
“Assticle-Sucker 5,000, registered trademark, patent pending.”
“Dave.”
“Okay, I’m done. But seriously, I’m going crazy here. And Bro isn’t helping, either.”
“What’s he doing?”
“Straight-up barricaded the windows. He pushed the futon up against the door. And we’re out of food, of-fucking-course. How many hours until you get here and deliver me from this hellhole?”
“Thirty-one,” says Dad when you ask.
“Fuck,” Dave says with real feeling. “I’m gonna starve before the drones get me.”
“The… what?”
“Drones. The things trying to find us, so Bro says.”
“Oh.” You shoot a glance at Dad briefly, but he’s focused on the road. “What are they, exactly?”
“Dunno. Killer robots, proba… holy shit, it’s actually killer robots, you should have seen Bro’s face when I said that.”
You imagine a Pacific Rim-esque mecha-bot ripping your house apart and wince, but say nothing. Dave falls silent too, and the lull in conversation reminds you of the face on your computer screen. You wedge the phone between your shoulder and ear, and set about digging your laptop out of your backpack. With Dad in the front seat and Dave on the line, you feel brave enough to face down anything that pops up on your screen. You boot it up…
…a blank desktop.
You sigh in relief and open Pesterchum. You’d always wondered why Dad had made your laptop its own wifi hotspot, when you never even took it out of your room – now you know, apparently. You unblock turntechGodhead. “Okay you insufferable prick, you are officially unblocked.”
“Wait, you have Internet? Shit, maybe this cross-country road trip with the Egberts won’t be an I Spy-filled nightmare after all.” You open your mouth to retort, but Dave steamrolls right over you. “Anyway, I’m sending you that link now, go read it. Our ten minutes are about up, see you in a bit.”
The line goes dead. You sigh and wait a few seconds before dialing Jade again. As it rings, you click the sketchy bit.ly link that pops up in Dave’s chat box. Up comes a predictable janky, ad-riddled conspiracy site with way too many exclamation points per sentence. You snort under your breath at the title:
[!!!!! CrockerCorp Confirmed fOr Conspiracy Conflict !!!!!]
Why did they need to put “Conflict”? Other than for the alliteration? You’re tempted to shut the laptop in disgust, but truth be told, if you’re going to be in this car for 30-ish more hours, you’re gonna need some timewasters.
Jade had picked up some time ago, but only now does she speak up as you’re scrolling down the page. “I’m worried.”
You suppress a bad hi Worried, I’m John joke. Not the time, Egbert. Instead, you say, “Yeah. Me too.”
“Even Bec is worried. His fur’s getting all staticky and he keeps trying to follow Grandpa around and whines when he gets locked out of the lab.”
“At least he isn’t teleporting dolphins anymore, right?”
She’s silent in the face of your attempted humor. You turn your attention back to the article; if Jade wants to talk, she’ll talk.
[DISTURBING new information has come to light! Regarding CrockerCorp, the parent company of notorious baked goods regime Betty Crocker! Sources have revealed that IN ADDITION to the illegal experiments carried out in the mid-90s! CrockerCorp has given OBCSENE amounts of Hush Money to large portions of the United States Government!Including but perhaps not limited to?: The FDA! NASA! the ARMY AND DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE! Is the Crocker matriarch trying to buy out the military!? What is her interest in outer space?!]
You pinch the bridge of your nose and sigh. Only a paragraph in, and you need a break. You check to make sure Jade’s still connected; she is.
Pesterchum pops. You move automatically to open it before it hits you – all your friends are accounted for. No one should be Pestering you. You freeze, for a moment vividly recalling neon pink lips, stretched distorted across the screen.
“What was that?” Dad asks.
“P…esterchum,” you say slowly. “But everyone I talk to is… um. On the phone.”
“What?” comes Jade’s voice, shrill in your ear. “Who is it?”
“It might just be spam,” you reason. “Pesterchum is full of spammers.” But your cursor still hovers uncertainly over the flashing notifications. Two unread messages. Right – you forgot the one that had been there earlier today, that caught your attention before dinner.
“Don’t open it,” Jade says at the same time Dad says, “Go ahead and see.”
You click the red bubble.
-- gallowsCalibrator began pestering ectoBiologist --
GC: 1 JST13
GC: G4 lLØ0WS FFØR
-- gallowsCalibrator ceased pestering ectoBiologist --
You sigh. “It’s spam. It’s just spam again.”
“You’re sure?” Dad raises an eyebrow at you in the rearview.
“Yeah. I’ve gotten these exact messages before from the same chumhandle.”
“Which one is it this time?” Jade asks.
“The… gallowsCalibrator. The one with the random numbers.”
“Ugh. That’s the one that kept hassling you even after you changed handles, right?”
“Yeah.” You shut off Pesterchum and push the overheating laptop off your legs, opting to look out the window at the freeway flashing by. Thunder crashes off in the distance somewhere, and you notice Dad relax. You catch his eye as the first spatter of rain hits the windshield. He gestures at the clouds. “Drones don’t go out in the rain. The air currents mess with their flight patterns.”
“Dave says they’re killer robots,” you tell him, only half-joking.
“More or less.”
You don’t feel much better.
Jade hangs up a few minutes later, trading you off to Rose. She sits with you in silence after trading pleasantries, until Dad has you ask her if she and her mom have a “safety net” ready.
There’s a faint rustle, some staticky mumbling, and then a new voice comes on the line: “…damn, get your mitts off. Mom Lalonde here, Egbert says what?”
Dad reaches back to take your phone. “Roxy, tell me you have your net open?”
“My… ohhhh. Shit, right. I dunno. Probably. Somewhere. Look, J, we are A) in the middle of Asstown New York in a fuckin’ forest no one knows exists. If drones do come out here, they ain’t finding the house.”
“And…? Was there supposed to be a point B?”
“I… yeah I didn’t think that through. Oh wait, fuck, no there is! B) I have enough rifle power to set this whole freakin’ forest on fire, I can defend the fort long enough for Jake to get here.”
“It will… would take him at least three hours to fly over, Roxy.”
“James. Did I fucking stutter.”
Dad sighs. “Just… try to get your net open.”
“Will do. Rose, take your friend back. Why is the screen so sticky? God damn I gotta take a shower after that…” There’s a thump and the sound of the phone roughly changing hands again, and then Rose saying something that gets cut off by static but you can tell it was something snarky and sharp.
“So… Dad… what’s a safety net? And why don’t we have one?” Thunder cracks again, and you start, but you manage to take the phone Dad hands back.
“We did have one. It fell through.” Dad scrubs a hand through his hair. “A safety net is a safehouse, basically. Jade and her grandfather have tunnels under their island. Rose and her mother have… something, she never told us. Dave and Dirk use the crowds in Houston as their safety net, to hide in plain sight, but… so did you and I, and that didn’t work in the end.”
You recall the mushroom cloud over your childhood home and silently agree.
Rose is quiet.
It’s gonna be a long thirty hours.
~
By midnight, none of you are really talking – just picking up and hanging up in near-dead silence – and you’re so drained that Dad has to remind you which call you’re on every ten minutes. Finally, right around the time you hit Boise, Dad takes your phone away and tells you to get some sleep.
You do stretch out in the back and close your eyes, but everything flashing through your mind keeps you agonizingly awake, no matter how heavy your eyelids feel. You stare at the roof and listen to the pattering rain that’s been on and off for the last seven hours. Then you hear Dad’s voice, low and barely audible over the hum of the tires and the spitting rain.
“I think he is, yes. Is Dave asleep too?”
A beat of silence. You shut your eyes and try to regulate your breathing.
“I know, Dirk. I wish I had… Nothing, yet. I told him and Jade both that we… that we angered someone powerful a long time ago. …It’s not technically untrue.”
Another beat of silence. “I will. No, I will. I just…” Dad sighs, and you risk a peek to see him reach up and rub his eyes. “I don’t want to try and tell him alone. I’ll wait until you’re here. It’s a lot to try and explain on my own.”
You hear Dirk laugh, thin and staticky behind the rain, and then he says something you don’t quite catch.
“No, I think she wants them all back.” Dad’s voice sinks even quieter. “We stole her most treasured possessions. Of course she wants them all back.”
Dirk says something and they both go silent. Your brain is starting to go haywire again, but the heaviness in your eyelids finally wins out. You drop off to sleep to the sound of pattering rain.