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he should've seen it coming.
he was the one who stopped visiting jisung at the hospital, the one who kept making excuses to not go to his and renjun's daily hangouts, the one who avoided jeno in any way he could. jisung's calls begging to be picked up, renjun's unread messages piling up to a frankly unfathomable number, and jeno even attempting to break his apartment's door at some point; he was the one who ignored all those advances.
and yet, somehow, he still didn't see it coming.
perhaps, he did see it coming; he just didn't think it was going to be this bad. he's na jaemin, the boy who has successfully survived throughout the past twenty or so years; he should've been fine without his dearest friends, right? he's already a big boy, after all. it's fine. it's supposed to be fine, and it's going to be fine. it has to be fine.
after all, his friends would be happier if he left, right? he has been nothing but a burden for them all the time they've been close friends. he has never been a good friend, he never made them as happy as they made him — all he does is embarrass them for having such a pathetic, pitiful friend. his friends deserve to be happy, and if they aren't happy with him, then he has no choice but to leave, right?
this is the right decision. he's not being egoistic for once, he's actually doing something good for his friends! whoa, what a breakthrough for someone as pathetic as him! even if it'll cost him his own feelings down the line, at least he finally made his friends happy! isn't that just the most perfect decision for him to take? that's the only good thing he can do as their friend, after all.
it's going to be fine. jeno has haechan and mark, who have been better friends for jeno than he has ever been. renjun has yangyang and xiaojun, who would always participate in their daily hangouts, instead of making laughable excuses like he did. jisung has chenle, the sweetest boy ever who has never failed to make jisung smile — something he'll never be able to do even if he tried. they don't need someone like him who can't even appreciate them properly, who isn't cool nor fun to be with, who always needs reassurance regarding all his stupid insecurities.
why is he even asking? of course they'll be fine; who wouldn't be fine after getting rid of such a worthless person from their lives? they must be living their best lives right now, even; something they'll never be able to do with jaemin by their side. they no longer have to pretend to enjoy jaemin's company when all he does is bother them, they no longer need to try to tolerate his embarrassing presence; of course they're going to be fine!
“fuck,” he sighs as tears finally rain down his eyes, him unable to contain his emotions any longer. despite how many times he mutters 'it's going to be fine' in his head, his tears won't just stop falling, the thoughts only continuing to perpetuate inside his mind. “i'm so pathetic, aren't i?”
“fuck, even it's starting to get wet,” he mutters to himself, hands trying to wipe the tears off the letter he was previously reading. it was the letter jeno gave him a year ago, where the both of them spent the whole day together as a way to cheer jeno up after he got rejected by the girl he used to like. they only spent the whole day lazing around in jeno's house, but the presence of each other was enough to lighten the mood. so much so, that jeno wrote a letter for him exclaiming how grateful and happy he is, even though jeno has never been that proficient with words.
and yet, one year later, their friendship has completely fallen apart.
“it's ironic, right?” jaemin chuckles to himself, it sounding more desperate than anything. “i was able to make him happy, i was a good friend, he even enjoyed my company,” he cries out, his mind remembering all the delightful memories they've had together as if it's playing a special montage for him, “and yet...”
without realizing it, his tears started piling up again, the letter only becoming wetter as his tears just wouldn't stop. why did he have to screw everything up? he loves his friends; loves how jisung always smiles every time he pats his head, how renjun would react in the funniest way possible every time he teases him, how jeno always makes him laugh with his jokes. all the time they've spent together, the hugs, the playful banter — he loves all of those.
and yet, he still messed everything up.
he loves his friends so much, and yet, he couldn't do anything to make them happy. he couldn't keep the smiles of the people he treasures the most. isn't that pathetic? his friends have never been mean to him, they've always made him the happiest boy in the world, and yet he can't even give that same happiness back to them. jeno, jisung, and renjun deserve all the good things in the world, after all; someone like him who only burdens them doesn't need to be present in their lives anymore, right?
suddenly, his phone rings, breaking his train of thoughts in an instant. it's gotten so bad that he's afraid to check his phone nowadays, fearing that jisung gave him another call, or renjun spammed his messages again. almost every time, he'd have the urge to finally reply to his friends, interacting with them after so long and rebuilding their friendships back together. and yet, he always restrains himself, not wanting his words to burden and annoy them once again.
unfortunately, he caught a glance at the notification the moment his phone lit up. it was just those kinds of pesky game notifications that'll pester you to log into the game again, but the notifications below it was the one that caught his attention.
renjun (426 unread messages)
dude, i don't know if your number is even still active, but i really hope that you're alright
3 days ago
renjun (426 unread messages)
it's okay if you no longer want to be friends with me, i'm sure you have your own reasons. i understand, nana.
3 days ago
renjun (426 unread messages)
but, do know that i’ve always enjoyed your company. you've never made me feel annoyed or burdened during our daily hangouts. in fact, your presence only made our time together even more fun.
3 days ago
renjun (426 unread messages)
you were always a great friend to me, nana. don't think otherwise, okay? i'll kick your ass if you do lmao (REAL)
3 days ago
renjun (426 unread messages)
yeah, so... if you want to hang out again, my arms are always open, okay?
3 days ago
renjun (426 unread messages)
i'll miss you a lot, nana.
3 days ago
his tears only continued to roll down his eyes while he was reading. despite renjun's cold and easily annoyed personality, he has always been kind and gentle at heart. it's rare that renjun even displays his feelings upfront, and when he does — these messages being the exact example — it always makes jaemin more emotional than ever before.
maybe he was never a bad friend. maybe he was still able to make his friends happy, and his friends still want him around. maybe, it has only been his insecurities talking. maybe, just maybe... he can still be friends with them.
huh? is that even possible? even when all he has been doing is burden them and make them feel embarrassed, for having such a pathetic friend like him? maybe that's not the case, maybe he hasn't been that pathetic after all, maybe it's just his insecurities talking... that's possible, right?
“it's okay... it's fine, i can still be friends with them, it's fine,” he mutters to himself repeatedly as he scrambles to grab his phone, finally deciding to reply to renjun's messages after the random surge of confidence, “i can do this, i can be friends again, they don't hate me, it's fine, they—”
suddenly, as if his mind wouldn't let him be happy for even just a minute, he freezes.
“what if he's just lying to make me happy?”
and just like that, he's back to square one; sad, hopeless, and pathetic.
of course they're just pretending, of course they don't actually want him around anymore; why would they even want that, right? he's so sensitive and emotional his friends have to walk on eggshells and lie to him to maintain his happiness, isn't that just pathetic? why would his friends even like someone as pitiful as him? is there even anything to like about him? no, right?
at the end of the day, he's doing the right thing; he's prioritizing his friends' happiness for once, he's actually making them happy! that's great! that's formidable! he's actually doing something good! his own happiness doesn't matter as long as his friends are happy, he's not being egoistic for once, he's being mature! that's amaz—
all of a sudden, his phone rings, putting his line of thoughts to a halt once again.
renjun
hey
just now
renjun
i know you're reading this, nana.
just now
fuck.
jaemin quickly clicked the back button and threw his phone to the corner of the bed, panic filling his entire system. it turns out that when he froze and his thoughts intruded on him once again, he already opened his and renjun's chatroom.
he's doomed.
“should i block him? should i reset my phone? should i break it somehow? fuck, what should i do?” he mumbles to himself as he continues hitting his head into the bed, genuinely in sheer disbelief at how he messed up this badly.
before he even got the chance to reach a conclusion, his phone rang again.
renjun (5 unread messages)
nana?
just now
renjun (5 unread messages)
dude, i've been dying to hear anything from you. give me a reply or else.
just now
renjun (5 unread messages)
fuck, i'm sorry if i'm being too demanding or harsh, let me repeat myself
just now
renjun (5 unread messages)
take your time, yeah? i'm already glad that you actually read my message, don't worry
just now
renjun (5 unread messages)
i'll wait for your reply as long as you need me to, nana.
just now
...yeah, he's definitely fucked.
“why are you so nice...” jaemin mutters to himself, his face buried into the pillow, trying to conceal his emotions once again. “even though you don't need to wait for my reply, even though i've been so hard to deal with...” he continues, his hands beginning to punch the bed as hard as he could, not knowing what he should even do at this point.
“i'm only bothering everyone again at this point, aren't i...”
even though he was the one who pushed everyone away, the one who decided to leave, his friends are still worried about him. the number of calls and messages they've conceived, the sheer willpower they have to make sure they can get a hold of him, all their efforts to make him happy... how can they be so kind?
“i can't even push everyone away well,” he sighs, hitting the bed once again as hard as he could, lamenting at his failure at basically anything.
this whole pushing away thing was supposed to make them happy. they're supposed to have the happiest smiles on their faces, and yet, they're still trying to contact their pathetic friend as hard as they could. he's just bothering them again with this whole debacle, wasting their time to ensure the happiness of such a pitiful person like him. it isn't supposed to be like this. it isn't supposed to happen this way.
he should've told his friends that he wants to leave outright, instead of avoiding them like an annoying piece of garbage. that way, they would actually no longer have to think about his happiness, right? they wouldn't have to pester him with messages like this, they'd actually be living their best lives like they truly deserve! after all, when he's so pathetic he no longer knows how to make his friends happy, pushing everyone away outright is the best solution, right?
but if so, then why does he keep getting scared whenever he wants to say it outright? that time he and jeno were watching a movie together, that time he and renjun were strolling around the park they adored so dearly, that time he and jisung were trading silly memes together; why couldn't he say it outright at those times? he already planned everything out, he already had the words in mind, and yet he always backs out like a fucking coward every time he wanted to say it.
of course things would go wrong; he always screws everything up no matter how hard he tries, of course everything would fall apart. he should try getting used to this, actually; it's a daily occurrence, after all! when was the last time everything went according to plan? the last time he didn't have to apologize repeatedly to others, the last time he was able to do anything without screwing up? if he can't do anything properly, he'd have to get used to this, right?
why couldn't he just say it outright? why couldn't he fucking muster the guts to finally push them away? is he really that much of a coward? why couldn't he understand that it was going to get worse if he couldn't push them away properly? because he's scared to see their reactions? because he doesn't want to upset them, even though that's all he's been doing? what was the fucking reason?
because he loves his friends so much, he doesn't want to let go just yet?
“no,” jaemin mutters, disapproving the thought as soon as it came, “no, that's just egoistic, i should be able to let them go, i don't deserve them anymore,” he cries out, his mind once again bringing him back to all the times his friends made him feel happy, the memories too painful to remember at this point.
he should've seen it coming. the loneliness that would come, all the tears he'd let out, the emptiness he'd experience without them. they were his only friends; the people who never fail to light up his world, the people he treasured the most. did he really think he was strong enough to push them away, even though he had always been so attached to them? his friends always meant so much to him, and yet he thought he'd actually be able to live without them? just how fucking stupid could he be?
“i miss them...” he muttered quietly as he hugged his knees, head facing down — his tears dangerously close to being let out again. no, this isn't right; he's supposed to stop being selfish, his friends would be happier without him, he'd only continue hurting them if he became their friend again, he can't miss them anymore, he doesn't deserve to be egoistic like this—
and yet, jaemin still misses them. misses how jisung's laugh would always warm his heart, misses the playful banter he and renjun never got bored doing, misses the way jeno would hug him tightly to ease his worries. he's been friends with them for as long as he remembers, that missing them has just became a normal occurrence for him.
at these kinds of times — back when he wasn't as pathetic, at least — when he feels so unhappy he couldn't continue his daily activities, his friends would be the first ones he'd turn to. even if they couldn't come up with an actual solution, the fact that they'd listen to his woes alone was already perfect. to him, his friends don't even need to do anything special; their presence has always been enough to warm his heart.
but now, he only has himself. a very pitiful, miserable, and pathetic version of himself, at that.
“i miss them so much...” he cries out once more, this time louder than before, as his tears slowly begin to cascade down his eyes. why can't he be a better friend? why can't he make the people he cares about the happiest? why can't he improve, why can't he change for the better, why is he so fucking pathetic? his friends are so amazing, so kind, so delightful to be with; and yet he's here, being the complete opposite. why can't he be just like his friends? why does he have to be this much of a loser? if only he was a better friend, he wouldn't have to feel all this sadness; he wouldn't have to be cooped up in his room, dealing with another crying session for almost three days on end. if only he was more fun to be with, if only he was actually admirable, if only he was kinder, if only he was better with his words, if only he wasn't as insecure, if only—
“you're just going around in circles at this point, hyung.”
it was the words jisung said when jaemin was so convinced he wouldn't win the photography competition jisung wanted him to participate in so badly. jisung had always been his baby, the one who held a soft spot in his heart that it was almost impossible for him to refuse any of jisung's pleas. however, with his photographs only getting worse around that time, he couldn't find it in himself to participate — not when his insecurities were, as always, getting the best of him.
“i'm not,” jaemin tried to deny, even though he knew deep down that jisung said the truth. “you're the one who doesn't want to accept my reasonings, jisung,” he continued, pinching the younger's cheeks in retaliation.
“because, unlike your insecurities, i actually have valid arguments to disprove your points,” jisung replied, a pout apparent on his face — one that never fails to make jaemin smile. “you're an amazing photographer, hyung. even if you think that your photographs aren't good, i'm certain most people would think otherwise,” jisung continued, his hands scrambling to find something on the hospital bed, already used to the nuisance that was the infusion on his hand.
“i really love this photo, for example,” jisung exclaimed, finally picking up the photo he was looking for. it was a photo of both chenle and jisung on the hospital's rooftop, with jisung sitting on the wheelchair and chenle standing behind him, both displaying a big smile on their faces. “every time i see it, it always makes me happy. i don't know anything about photography so my compliments probably make no sense, but this photo just screams 'amazing' to me,” jisung continued, ignoring jaemin's expression that looked as if he was in a state of absolute disbelief. “i don't think this photo would be as heartwarming if someone else took it, hyung. you're a great photographer, i promise.”
“but... but the lighting sucks, the photo isn't saturated enough to convey the emotions i want it to convey, the shadows weren't utilized perfectly,” even if deep down, jaemin was happy hearing the compliments at first, his mind simply refused to accept it, instead deciding to focus on minor flaws that aren't even noticeable to most — something he never fails to do. “it's not a good photo at all, jisung.”
“it is.”
“but it isn—”
“it is.”
“jisung, listen—”
“hyung, if you keep denying my compliments, i'll sulk. hmph.”
“wait, baby, i'm sorry—”
jaemin ended up participating in the competition, after getting tired of enduring jisung's constant pleas and jeno's encouragement — hell, even renjun told him to participate too when he told renjun about it. it was something he'd never be able to do were it not for his friends; the people who would continuously support him no matter the circumstances. at the end of the day, the delightful expression on their faces when he decided to participate was enough to convince him that, “yeah, this isn't so bad after all.”
he ended up winning second place. the picture he submitted was a picture of jeno, conversing happily with haechan and mark. he doesn't remember what they were actually talking about, but the unadulterated happiness jeno's smile radiated was enough for him to capture the sight on camera. even if he didn't win first place — which he beat himself over multiple times, unfortunately — his friends were still proud and supported him throughout the way, their congratulatory messages slowly making him more and more satisfied with his position.
it truly shows just how much his friends cared about and loved him, just how much his friends treasured his presence. even when he isn't doing his absolute best, even if he isn't making them the happiest people in the world, his friends are still there for him. after all, it's only human that you can't make everyone the happiest all the time, right? it's only normal, right?
maybe everything was just in his head, maybe he was still being a great friend, maybe they aren't actually pretending to enjoy his company... that's possible, right? why would they keep wanting to get a hold of him if they disliked him so much? why would jisung still want him to come to the hospital, if he was really a bad friend? why does renjun still stand him despite all the times he annoyed renjun with his constant teasing? why does jeno still try to visit his apartment despite the number of times he had displayed his most vulnerable side to him? surely, they won't have to pretend that far, right? they must've enjoyed jaemin's company even just a bit, right?
“i'm sorry...” jaemin sobs, his face buried on his knees as tears run down his eyes once more, “i'm sorry for pushing everyone away, for burdening everyone again, for being a bad friend,” he continues muttering to himself, his intrusive thoughts finally getting pushed aside for once.
“i want to be with everyone again, want to be friends again, want to make everyone happy again,” he murmurs as he tries to find his phone, already wanting to reply to renjun as soon as he possibly can. all the intrusive thoughts are coming back, with the words “you're being so fucking egoistic right now” and “you don't deserve to be with them anymore, all you do is annoy and bother them” pestering his mind — and yet he's able to shush them off somehow, the sudden wave of optimistic thoughts finally appearing on his mind.
“what should i reply with...” he thinks to himself as he enters his passcode, trying to reply as soon as possible before all the unfavorable thoughts come back to haunt him again. “he won't be mad right? he won't get annoyed, right? it's going to be fine, right?” he worries with his mind already thinking about seven whole different sentences to reply with, until he noticed the newest message he's gotten the moment he opened the app.
jeno
nana
16 minutes ago
jeno
i've told you two days ago that i'll be coming, but since you're not answering, i'm going to visit now, okay?
16 minutes ago
jeno
i'm really worried, nana. i'll be bringing food too, make sure to eat them
16 minutes ago
jeno
it's okay if you don't want to open the door, don't worry, i won't pressure you. i just want to make sure you're fine and eating well
16 minutes ago
jeno
i'll be there soon
16 minutes ago
oh.
if his mind wasn't messed up before, it definitely is messed up now.
“fuck, why do you have to come now out of all times,” he grumbled to himself as he looked at himself, sighing at just how disorganized his appearance has become, completely unprepared to even go as far as to open the door for jeno. “should i just tell him to not come? should i tell him to just leave the food outside? but that's disrespectful, fuck, i don't want to annoy him even more,” he mutters, his fingers trying to type any sentence of refusal that comes to mind before deleting them, afraid to upset jeno even more than he probably already does.
his mind is slowly continuing to generate miserable thoughts again, with his heart beating at a pace he never even considered possible before. maybe he should just ignore him after all, like the days before. after all, if jeno sees him looking so fucking disheveled, wouldn't jeno be disgusted? wait, he has always been disgusting and abhorrent — it's just a normal occurrence for jeno at this point! more reasons to not be friends with them anymore! they deserve to be happy, therefore being friends with an emotional, pathetic, and disgusting person like him is not going to make them happy! that's completely correct, right? god, he really is pathetic! it's really better this way, after a—
suddenly, he heard a knock on the door.
he's doomed.
“nana?” the person outside says gently as they knock on the door once again, voice clearly belonging to jeno. “you there?”
at this point, his mind just freezes. too many thoughts are circling through his mind that forming the simplest coherent thought feels more like a chore than anything. the positives, the negatives — it's as if they're blending together with the nervousness and panic he's feeling right now. not to mention the way his heart won't stop beating to the point where he thought he'd die of cardiac arrest, which only made him more confused to the point of dysfunctioning.
“nana?” before he even manages to form any sort of thought, jeno knocks again. “it's okay if you don't want to open the door, don't worry,” he continues, a ting of disappointment present in his voice, “i'll leave the food in front of the door. eat them well, okay?”
this is fine, right? it's okay if he doesn't open the door, right? jeno would probably have a better time just placing the food in front of his house than actually talking to him, he'd just annoy jeno even further— but is it really okay? is he really going to be okay without jeno? what if this is the last time jeno is going to visit him? isn't that what he wanted in the first place? why is he even thinking so much, shouldn't he quickly decide what to do before jeno finally leaves? but then again, what if he picks the wrong choice? what if he only messes everything up further? but then again, opening the door could be the best choice, right? it's going to be fine, right? no, fuck, it probably won't, jeno probably would just hate him more, it won't, it—
“nana,” jeno calls out all of a sudden, effectively disrupting his line of thoughts once more, sadness and hurt somehow apparent in his voice. “look, i don't even know if you're there or not, if you're actually going to listen, but...” he hears a soft thud on the door, a result of jeno's head leaning against it, followed by a faint sob, “i miss you so much, nana.”
and just like that, jaemin's heart sinks.
jeno has rarely shown his more vulnerable side in front of him, let alone cry. he was always someone who'd keep his composure as best as he can, and the one who naturally comforts others. the only time he ever cried in front of jaemin was the time his crush — a girl someone jeno has consistently had a crush on for almost three years — rejected him, which led jaemin to spend the day together with jeno to soothe his heart. back then, jeno's cries sounded so painful, so heartbreaking that he even shed his own tears alongside jeno's. back then, he even swore that he wouldn't forgive anyone who makes jeno cry like this again.
how ironic, isn't it?
“i'm bad with words, so please just accept all these words i'm about to vomit, but nana — you're one of the people i treasure most in my life. you've always made me laugh even during the most unexpected times, and your company alone is enough to shoo my worries away,” jeno continues, his sobs only getting louder and more unrestrained, despite his best attempts at repressing them, “you've never done anything wrong, you've never bothered me at all; and even if you did, i'm certain i'd still adore you anyway.”
“you've always been the number one person i relied on for the moments when my happiness plummeted, and you've never failed to make me feel better during all those moments. but now, now that you're avoiding me, now that we're no longer as close, i... i don't know what to do, nana,” jeno cries out, tears actually beginning to roll down his eyes. “i miss the times we've spent together, i miss all the fun movie nights we had, the constant laughs we shared together, the hugs we'd give to each other — i miss everything about you, nana.”
jaemin's heart dropped. he wants nothing but to open the door right then and there, to envelop the older boy in a hug, to stop those tears from streaming down his eyes. the last thing he'd want was to make jeno sad, moreover to this extent, and yet he did it anyway; the only way to make up for his mistakes is to open the door, right? he also misses jeno very much, and if jeno also misses him, then the only solution is to finally stop avoiding jeno, right? jeno also said he's been a good friend, that he hasn't been a bother, so it's fine, right?
it's going to be fine, right?
“i'm sorry for rambling like that,” jeno says after a short pause, his sobs getting quieter until it's completely unhearable. “remember to eat the food, okay?” he continues, trying to sound as happy and fine as he can, but the disappointment and sadness his heart went through was simply too much to hide.
“i'll be going now,” he finally concludes as he tries to gather the will to step away, finally leaving jaemin's apartment and accepting the fact that today, too, was a failed visit. maybe it's time to give up; maybe jaemin truly no longer wants him around, after all. it's best to not force him to do something out of his will, right? he has visited jaemin so many times now, but if jaemin's not responding, then it's better to just stop, right? jaemin would be fine without him, and he'll be fine with him too — both of them are adults now, after all. it's going to be fine, right?
with his conclusion — albeit unwantedly — set in stone, he finally takes a deep breath, before saying his farewells to the younger as clearly as he could.
“i'll miss you a lot, na—”
“wait!”
fuck, did he really just say that?
“nana? is that you?” jeno beams from outside the door, his voice higher and hopeful as he stepped closer to jaemin's room door once again. jaemin is still in utter disbelief, not believing that he even had it in himself to stop jeno from leaving, his sheer adoration for jeno finally getting the best of him.
but what now? what is he supposed to do right now? should he actually open the door? no, that'd mean jeno would have to see his incredibly disheveled state. what are the words he's supposed to say? hell, is jeno even actually okay with this? fuck, jaemin; think quickly before it's too late, will you?
“nana?” jeno calls out once again, the way he muttered jaemin's nickname in such a gentle manner always making jaemin feel at ease. “what is it, hm?”
“a—are you sure about this?” jaemin mutters, his brain finally deciding on what to say after what felt like an eternity. “a—are you sure you want to talk to me again? see me? e—even though i'm like this?” he continues, voice hoarse and swollen after all the crying he's done the past few days.
“i'm sure, jaemin,” jeno answers in an instant as he nods vigorously, not caring about how jaemin wouldn't be able to see it anyway. “i'll always cherish you, even when you're the most vulnerable you've ever been,” he continues, a hopeful smile slowly creeping up his face.
hearing jeno's answer, an unbridled amount of happiness seeps through jaemin's heart. “it's going to be alright,” he mutters quietly to himself, trying to silence the negative thoughts still left in his head, “i can still be friends with everyone, my friends actually adores me, i'm not that pathetic, they're not pretending, i deserve to be with them, it's okay, i won't regret this, things are going to be fine—” he murmurs as if he was chanting, finally not letting his insecurities and worries trump over him after so long.
“a—are you sure? is it really okay?” he asks once again, this time sounding more hopeful than desperate, his heart already aching so much for jeno's presence. “even if i'm this pathetic, this miserable, this worthless, this—”
“nana.” jeno says in a stern manner, not wanting to hear jaemin self-deprecate any longer, his arms wanting to hug the younger as soon as he possibly can. “it's fine, nana; i promise it'll be fine. don't worry, okay?”
it's going to be fine. his friends will accept him again, he'll be able to make them happy again, and he wouldn't be a pathetic burden to them anymore, if he even was at all. he'll be able to spend time with them like before, and cherish them as much as he did previously as well. even if things go wrong afterward, even if things fall apart again, he'll somehow find a way to fix it. things will be alright. it's going to be fine, right?
...
fuck it, here goes nothing.
and so, he finally opens the door.