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Hawks was staring.
Staring at him.
And Dabi didn’t understand.
Hawks was still laying on top of him, still panting, heavy breaths that caressed his face, caressed his lips, and Dabi was starting to feel pretty confused.
You gonna pull out or…?
I—
Hawks moved, slowly, he didn’t change position, but he pulled out. yes, sorry.
Dabi shrugged, as if to say It’s okay, it didn’t matter.
And Hawks kept staring.
Dabi absently asked himself if it wasn't too hot in that room, if it wasn’t just for the fact that he just came.
It was strange.
You okay Hawks?
Hawks didn’t answer.
He just made some kind of movement Dabi didn’t understand.
And he kept staring, he had a strange gaze, he was looking at him but not really looking, he wasn’t looking at him in the eyes, Dabi could see his eyes moving from a part of his face to another, and he didn’t understand what he was looking at.
What he was searching for.
Uhm,
he didn’t understand, didn’t understand, what… you sure? ‘Cause you’re… acting pretty strange.
Hawks cracked a small smile.
Not one of his usual pretended grins, so fake, always so fake.
A smile.
And Dabi—
Dabi didn’t want to understand anymore.
He started to move, slowly sitting up, Hawks followed his movements.
If Hawks’ hands were keeping him still on the mattress before, pinned on the sides of his head, now they were touching the wall behind Dabi, and he was still…
Still trapped.
And he didn’t understand if he was actually feeling trapped or not.
And he was scared.
Scared of the not
.
Hawks.
Mh?
Get your hands off.
Hawks didn’t move.
Hawks—
Why?
Dabi didn’t answer.
But he saw the other suddenly wide-eyed, and in a second his arms weren’t there anymore, now bent close to his chest.
Unsure.
Unsure.
Unsure.
Sorry,
he muttered, his long hair covering the right side of his face, and Dabi couldn’t see what expression he was making.
It doesn’t matter,
he answered, just… what were you trying to do?
Hawks kept staring at the mattress like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
He didn’t say anything.
Dabi sighed.
He leaned closer, just a bit, just enough to reach him and move his hair out of his face.
Discomfort.
Embarrassment.
Shame.
Dabi knew.
And just asked:
Can I move closer?
Hawks didn’t move.
He was trembling a bit.
He looked up.
He had watery eyes.
Dabi tried to do his best non-threatening smile, the warmest, most gentle he could.
And Hawks—
Hawks stared unsure.
Unsure.
Trembling.
Crying.
Silent tears flowed on his cheeks, not making a single sound, while, with a subtle movement, he told him:
Yes.
You can.
So Dabi moved just another bit closer and Hawks cried in his arms, silent, like always, like he always was when he cried, when he was scared of making noises, of being heard.
Scared that someone could hear him.
Someone.
Dabi knew who too well.
It’s alright,
Dabi whispered, and he felt the other move closer, clinging more to his shoulders, to his back.
And Dabi didn’t know what to do.
He didn’t know what to do.
...I want to love you,
Hawks whispered.
I want to but I’m scared of not being able to.
Dabi didn’t say anything.
Would you let me love you?
If I could?
Even though I'm like this?
He didn’t say anything.
And Hawks breathed in a bit more, a bit more quickly, a few more tears soaked his cheeks, his chest, a few more, a few more.
And it was like that.
Like that.
It had to be like that.
For the sake of all.
Their relationship was complicated.
Some would say they were fuck buddies, fuck enemies? They fucked sometimes, when they saw eachother, it’d been going on for years now, and that was that and that could go on like that.
But it couldn’t be more.
It couldn’t be more because of all the fear Hawks had and all the fear Dabi had, fear of everything and nothing, of their emotions, of their flaws, of their shouts in the middle of the night, they sometimes shouted at each other so much that they woke up the entire neighbourhood.
Dabi was scared of what he was.
An Half-Possessed.
Hawks was scared of what he’d become.
An assassin of the State.
Two souls with different pains in a common but opposite fate.
And the only drop that linked the two overflowing vases was that.
That rare moment of pleasure.
And it had to stay only that.
Only that.
Or the vases would have collapsed and everything left would just be millions of never-framed, sharp pieces of two never-whole entireties in a lake of tears.
But.
But.
There’s always a but
.
That one.
But what if…
What if it could work?
With time, maybe, I’m fine with waiting years, even, but what if it could work…
Would I risk it?
Dabi didn’t know the answer to that question.
Or maybe he knew it too well.
But he caressed Hawks’ shoulder with a hand while the grabbed his chin and moved his face to look at him with the other, he could feel the other’s nails tearing through the skin on his back, pulling his long black hair, still black, still black, after everything, after everything, he could hear him hiccupping, sobbing, while he gently, cautious, caring, kissed the salty tears on his cheeks.
Don’t play with me,
Hawks whispered, and Dabi smiled.
Love me,
he only said, try to love me, and I’ll try to love you.
Promise?
He was smiling.
I promise.
His lips tasted like salt an a wound, Hawks always bit his tongue when he came, drops of blood running down his chin, it was always a show, and they were soft and Dabi kissed him with all the strength he had, lips that tasted him, explored him, he wanted to know every inch of him, teeths that clashed into each other and bitten tongues, he heard Hawks breath out a laugh between his lips and he just kissed him with more force.
With more everything.
With more nothing.
And Dabi—
Dabi hoped it wasn’t fake.
He hoped that the order to kill him was still buried under all the other papers on Hawks’ desk, where it had been during all those years, he hoped that it wasn’t all just a slow and complicated plan to get to him.
Hawks could kill him with way less, he didn’t have to resort to such fiction.
And Dabi had never seen a trace of fiction in him when they were like this.
Never.
Never.
Never.
And he continued thinking, lulled by the sensation of the other’s arms wrapped around his waist and his gentle breathing on the back of his neck, until he fell asleep.