Chapter Text
As a part of his typical schedule, Kunikida had called Dazai for his 21:00 PM check-up around 3 times now, but there was no response from any of them and he had resorted to using the tracker he had attached to Dazai’s trench coat.
After a bit of fumbling through his pockets to look for his own device and figuring out how to use it (it’s been a while since Kunikida had to turn it on, which Kunikida thought meant Dazai was healing, until now), Kunikida found his location at a small bridge that was, thankfully, nearby.
It took about 10 minutes of Kunikida running, but he was able to see his partner’s silhouette sitting on the railing, dangling his legs. A sigh of relief escaped Kunikida’s lips.
“Dazai!” Kunikida loudly called for his partner, which attracted a couple of stares, but his attention was too preoccupied with Dazai to care. The brunet, though, didn’t seem to hear Kunikida. Or he just didn’t care.
“Dazai, what’s wrong with you?” Kunikida called, a bit quieter now that he was closer to Dazai, who only responded with a turn of his head.
“Yes?” Dazai slowly blinked at Kunikida, as if he was trying to process why the blond was cross-armed and angrily glaring at him. The reddish-brown eyes’ gaze fell onto Kunikida’s hands, one of which had a death grip on the tracker. Dazai put the dots together.
“Oh, sorry for worrying you, Kunikida-kun,” Dazai apologized lazily. There wasn’t an ounce of remorse in his flat tone. “I had my phone off.”
“You don’t seem too busy, Dazai, don’t do that next time, I was about to contact the other agency members. It’d trouble them,” Kunikida said, he couldn’t bring himself to yell at Dazai. The bandaged man made sure to answer Kunikida’s check-ups all the time. Even with his careless front, Dazai did his best to avoid inconveniencing the rest of the agency, so Kunikida presumed something might have triggered Dazai to run off without notifying anyone.
“I’ll have you know, I was busy, Kunikida-kun,” Dazai replied, stretching his arms. “I didn’t want to be interrupted so I turned my phone off, I just forgot to turn it back on.”
Kunikida watched Dazai’s dark brown shoes hit the ground as Dazai jumped off the railing. “What were you so busy doing?”
Dazai let out a soft chuckle as he brushed off his coat. “Visiting a friend, I suppose,” he supplied. After looking at Dazai’s melancholic smile, Kunikida felt as though it’d be wrong to press him further.
“I can walk you home, if you’d like,” Kunikida offered, nodding his head in the direction of the ADA Dormitories. Dazai replied with a wide grin.
“Ah, is my prince escorting me to my home? I knew you were the one for me, Kunikida-kun!” Dazai clapped his hands together and forced a smile. “I don’t particularly want to go home yet, though.”
“Then what do you want?” Kunikida decided to continue humouring Dazai.
“How about we go to your home? Usually, you take us to my place. I don’t think I’ve been to your dorm invited,” Dazai said, rubbing his chin with his palm. Kunikida’s eyebrows raised as he processed Dazai’s sentence.
“That implies you’ve been in my dorm uninvited! When have you been in my dorm, Dazai?” Kunikida’s shoulders tensed, but Dazai carried on, ignoring the angry blond.
“We can eat dinner together, I’ll even help you cook!”
“You’re avoiding my question, Dazai. Also- do you even know how to cook? Remember the last time Atsushi and I went to your dorm? Your fridge was practically empty and all your pots were so burnt up we needed to replace them!”
“Well, I can toast bread and make cereal. And make ramen, when necessary,” Dazai added, crossing his arms and his facial expression filled with faux seriousness.
“Cereal isn’t really something you make and if you’re referring to cup ramen, it doesn’t count either,” Kunikida sighed, looking back in the direction he came from. “It’d take a bit for us to walk home, are you tired?”
“Nope! Energized as ever!” Dazai already started walking towards the ADA dormitory. “I’ll lead the way!”
“I thought you said I was the prince escorting you,” Kunikida mumbled, feeling a little childish following around Dazai, who looked like he was part of a marching band.
“You’re too slow,” Dazai said plainly and Kunikida was left wondering how to reply.
He didn’t come up with anything to say for the rest of the walk though. The entire atmosphere felt heavy, even if they previously were joking with each other. Kunikida had a feeling Dazai was upset but didn’t have any idea how to approach it. He knew it would be best to confront him before Dazai felt even worse, but truthfully, he was scared to do anything other than pretend everything wasn’t normal.
After the long and uncomfortable silence, they stopped in front of the ADA Dormitory. Kunikida fumbled through his pockets to find his key and unlocked the door.
Once entering, Dazai took off his shoes and placed them on the shoe mat near the door. Kunikida reached for Dazai’s shoulders to take off his coat, to which Dazai responded with a flinch.
“Ahh, you really are a gentleman, aren’t you?” Dazai gave Kunikida a smile but his flushed face made it clear he was caught off guard. Dazai was always a bit reluctant to be touched. Though he was starting to be a lot more physically affectionate with Atsushi and Kunikida, Kunikida decided after this encounter that Dazai probably didn’t enjoy being on the receiving end of touch.
“Your home is still spotless and cozy, Kunikida-kun!” Dazai looked around. The bookshelves were organized by what seemed to be alphabetical order and there was a specific shelf dedicated to Kunikida’s notebooks, which Dazai knew from previous snooping. “It really feels like a home.”
“Well, that’s the point. Seriously, though, what do you mean by ‘still’? When have you been to my house?” Kunikida’s questions were, as always, ignored and Dazai plopped and laid down on the couch.
“Mmmm, I’m so tired, Kunikida-kun. Sleep with me,” Dazai murmured, reaching his arms out to the blond, who was raising an eyebrow at him.
“Geez, get up, you didn’t even eat dinner yet. You wanted to make something with me, didn’t you?” Kunikida headed into the kitchen to wash his hands and Dazai reluctantly followed suit.
“Yeah, I did, and then you told me I didn’t know how to cook. You shattered my dreams, Kunikida-kun!” Kunikida didn’t need to turn around to know Dazai had a fake pout on his face.
“Ok. Anyways, I need 8 ounces of soba, two eggs, a clove of garlic, cilantro leaves, ginger paste and two green onions. Please get them for me, they’re all in the fridge,” Kunikida ordered, looking through his cabinets to find the rest of the components. After a quick turn of his head, he saw Dazai with his mouth open, as if choosing his words.
When Dazai noticed Kunikida’s stare, he shut his jaw and nodded quickly and looked through the fridge, as instructed. Kunikida noticed he seemed particularly determined to follow his orders, which surprised Kunikida, who expected Dazai to forget all the ingredients the second after Kunikida finished talking or complain how the work would be too hard.
After Kunikida got the things he was looking for, he prepared two pots on the stovetop, one with salted, boiling water and the other empty. Dazai placed the ingredients on the kitchen countertop.
“Thanks,” Kunikida said, taking the eggs and placing them on the bottom of the empty pot. Afterwards, he took the soba Dazai gave and put it into the pot with the water. Kunikida then put the two eggs into the empty pot and poured water on top of them, eyeballing exactly an inch of water on top of them. He put the pot back onto the stovetop and waited for the water to boil to cover it.
“I thought you were going to ask for the package instructions,” Dazai commented, observing Kunikida. It’s been a while since the blond saw Dazai so focused. “Winging things doesn’t seem like you.”
“I’ve made soba enough to know the gist of it,” Kunikida shrugged, readjusting his ponytail awkwardly. The way Dazai’s eyes bore into him made Kunikida nervous. “Fetch me a small and big bowl along with two plates we can eat from.”
“‘Gotcha,” Dazai winked, though it took him a couple of guesses to find which cabinet held the dishes. It seemed in Dazai’s supposed visits to Kunikida’s home, he never checked the kitchen.
One cabinet, Dazai noticed, was filled with plates, large and small bowls and mugs with floral blue-green patterns. A matching vase was stored there as well. It was gorgeous, but empty.
“These are pretty, Kunikida-kun, where’d you get these from?” Dazai waved one of the mugs to show Kunikida, who was barely looking up from the soba he was stirring in the pot.
“Be careful with that, Dazai. It was a gift.”
“From who, a lover? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? Other?”
“My parents ,” Kunikida answered, rolling his eyes. He turned both of the stovetops off and turned towards Dazai.
“Oh yeah, I forgot people had those,” Dazai laughed, picking up and giving the dinnerware Kunikida requested. In exchange, the blond gave Dazai the hard-boiled eggs. “Peel and cut them in half for me.”
Kunikida used a garlic presser to press the cloves Dazai gave him and put them into the small bowl. He added some ginger paste and some of the rice vinegar, sesame oil, soy sauce and sugar he got while Dazai was fetching the fridge ingredients. Kunikida whisked them together and afterwards, drained the soba noodles and put them in the large bowl.
After he cut up the cilantro leaves and green onions Dazai gave to him previously, he combined the garnish, soba and rice vinegar mixture together.
“It smells really good,” Dazai said, making an exaggerated sniff. He gently placed the halved eggs that were still a little runny on the edge of the bowl. “You do seem like the type to be good at cooking.”
“Of course. Cooking is a very important life skill,” Kunikida replied, bringing the bowl to the dining table, where Dazai followed him with two plates and two pairs of chopsticks.
After setting the table, Kunikida and Dazai both took seats opposite from each other, making the atmosphere more serious. Kunikida couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous.
The servings weren’t particularly big, and Kunikida noticed that Dazai took a small portion and only one half of the eggs, forcing Kunikida to eat the rest.
When eating out with the rest of the ADA members, Kunikida always noticed that Dazai would usually order a cheap and small dish, and even then it always took him a while of poking at his food to finish.
With this meal, though, it looked like Dazai was forcing himself to bring the chopsticks to his mouth to eat and holding back a gag.
“You can take your time eating, if you need,” Kunikida reassured Dazai, a bit confused on why Dazai was trying to shove the food down his throat as soon as possible. “If you want to eat at home, you can package it.”
Dazai, though, did not reply and continued to force the food into his mouth, all while staring into Kunikida’s eyes for a good minute straight. Kunikida already didn’t particularly enjoy eye contact, but this was making him more uncomfortable than he was used to.
“Seriously, Dazai, what’s your issue? Are you ok?” Kunikida furrowed his eyebrows. As much as he’d like to be, being patient towards Dazai was always hard for him. He knew Dazai had trouble opening it up and tried his best to keep in mind that it’s easier said than done, but things would be so much easier if Dazai just talked instead of clowning around his feelings.
Instead of waiting for Dazai to reply, Kunikida rested his chopsticks across on the top of his plate and continued talking. “Everyone in the ADA cares about you, bastard. You’re our friend, so tell me what’s wrong.”
Of course, Dazai only responded with a breathy laugh, which only ended up irritating Kunikida more. “We’re not really friends, Kunikida-kun. We’re coworkers.”
“How stupid are you? We eat out together, you saved Atsushi’s life and you’re the one who encouraged Kyouka to become part of the agency during her entrance exam. As much as you’re scared of attaching yourself to people, it’s a lie to say that the rest of the Agency doesn’t consider you as a friend.”
Now, it was Dazai’s turn to be displeased. His face first turned into something angry, which surprised Kunikida. In two years of working alongside Dazai, he’s seen blank and neutral expressions, surprised ones and relieved ones, but never seen him visibly express anger, even if it was only for a split second.
As always, though, Dazai pressed his lips together and his face rebounded back to his regular, perpetual smile, though this one looked more hurt than typically.
“I feel like I’m going to throw up,” Dazai nervously laughed. He laughed harder when Kunikida shot up from his chair to try helping him. “Oh don’t worry, I won’t actually.”
Awkwardly, Kunikida sat back down and went back to eating. He totally ruined the mood, but he was a bit pleased he could finally get out what he felt. He knew he couldn’t force Dazai to believe that they loved and cherished him, but it was so hard to see Dazai act as if they were distant. ‘Just coworkers’ don’t install tracking devices onto each other to keep each other safe.
“I’m sorry, Kunikida,” Dazai finally said, breaking a century of silence. He opened his mouth and then closed it, and then did it again, carefully choosing his words.
“I know I never act like it, but I want to stay with you and the rest of the agency. I was thinking today. About us being friends, I mean,” Dazai added, Kunikida noticed that Dazai was gritting his teeth, struggling to spit the words out. “I think I’m worried how I’ll feel once everything ends, again.”
“You’re assuming that our friendship will end, though,” Kunikida pointed out.
“Of course it will. I’m not saying we want it to, it’s just inevitable. Everything ends,” Dazai said plainly. Kunikida’s shoulders tensed up and his brows furrowed again, which piqued Dazai’s interest for his reply.
“Don’t you think that the happiness you can feel when opening up and forming bonds with someone outweighs the pain you feel when the friendship ends?”
Kunikida noticed Dazai starting to grin before he said in a condescending tone, “Kunikida-kun, you know that I don’t think that. You telling me so doesn’t really change anything.”
Dazai was right, Kunikida knew his words weren’t powerful enough yet to change Dazai’s pessimistic perspective. Kunikida knew that his words might just be plain wrong. Though, he still felt as though they were meaningful enough to be worth saying.
“As long as there’s the slightest chance for my words to comfort you, I think it’s worth trying,” Kunikida said confidently, only to be made fun of by a cackling Dazai.
“You’re so cute, Kunikida-kun,” Dazai said, trying to stifle back another round of laughter.
“I wasn’t trying to be cute, Dazai.”
“I was complimenting you, Kunikida-kun! Don’t look so angry!”
Kunikida groaned and picked his chopsticks back up again. “Shut up and eat your food, you had less than me yet my plate is empty compared to your’s.”
“Yeah, yeah, I got it,” Dazai grumbled, taking a small bite out of the egg. This time, he was eating at a much slower pace than his desperate attempts at shovelling food down his throat before.
After a couple of minutes, Kunikida finished his meal and got up to wash his dishes, along with pots and the countertops that were left a little dirty from Dazai and Kunikida’s cooking adventure.
When Dazai noticed that Kunikida was cleaning the countertops with a cloth, he tried quickening his eating pace once again. Once he finished, he offered to help.
“It’s fine, I’m the host, after all,” Kunikida assured, but he couldn’t help but smile at the fact Dazai wanted to help him out. He was a bit worried Dazai was upset with him after their conversation.
Of course, Dazai decided to ignore Kunikida’s denial of help and rolled his sleeves up to clean the pots in the sink.
Finally, the two of them finished cleaning up in less than a couple of minutes. Dazai dried off his hands with a small towel hanging on the oven handle. He wasn’t quite sure whether he was supposed to go home or stay a little longer.
“What time is it, Kunikida-kun?” Dazai asked the blonde who was squeezing the water from the cloth into the sink.
“There’s a clock in the living room, check yourself,” Kunikida said, storing the cloth in a drawer. Dazai groaned and checked his phone, he knew he had it on him, he just wanted an excuse to bother Kunikida.
23:32. It made Dazai crack a smile, but he was a bit disappointed it was so late. It’d be a bit odd to stay longer. They had work tomorrow, so Kunikida probably needed to sleep early, but Dazai knew that if he went home, he’d probably just lay in his bed awake until the sun rose.
“It’s a bit less than half an hour to midnight, I should be heading home now,” Dazai sighed, shuffling his feet. Kunikida turned to Dazai and couldn’t help but frown at the especially strong melancholic aura he emitted today.
It’d be proper to let Dazai go home, his dorm was only a floor down from Kunikida’s and if Dazai needed help, the blond was sure he’d inform him. If Kunikida slept now, he’d be able to get at least around 6 ½ hours of sleep, a decent amount. Having Dazai stay over would be a nuisance to his schedule, but…
“You know, I have a spare futon, you can stay here for the night, if you need,” Kunikida offered, awkwardly fiddling with his hands. He noticed Dazai’s face turned a bit pink.
“You’re such a gentleman, Kunikida-kun! It’s okay, though, seriously, don’t trouble yourself.”
Kunikida opened his mouth, maybe to insist that Dazai can stay but he couldn’t get any words out. He closed it and gave a wave to Dazai, who turned around before he left.
“It was nice seeing your house again,” Dazai said, grinning as he waved and closed the door. Kunikida was so disappointed at Dazai’s departure that he didn’t even notice the “again”.
Maybe Dazai was too flustered from their previous conversation and just wanted to step back. Kunikida couldn’t help but be upset with himself for being so brash, but he was sure that Dazai needed to hear those words, even if they were too blunt.
Kunikida turned back to look at his fridge. Did Dazai even eat breakfast? He might go to work late, but he wasn’t the type to take care of himself. Kunikida always had to pester him and remind him to drink and eat proper food at work. Maybe he could make a quick meal to reheat and bring to Dazai for breakfast in the morning.
Kunikida checked his watch, it was already 23:40, after preparing the meal, it’d be a lot later than he’d have liked it to be. It was no doubt his sleep schedule would take a hit.
“I guess I got to be quick, then,” Kunikida mumbled to himself, going to open his fridge.