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There were too many thoughts clouding Ni-ki’s mind as they were practicing their dance for their MAMA 2021 dance break performance. Ni-ki was watching himself in the mirror as they danced endlessly.
He could feel his cheeks getting warmer and warmer as he wiped the sweat on his face with the back of his hand.
He was thinking about how much he missed his family in Japan. He was thinking about how he might become numb if he doesn’t get to meet them soon. He was thinking about how so much is expected from him and how much hate he gets for being childlike.
Sometimes Ni-ki just wanted to run away from everything and live like a normal teen. It was all too much for him but Ni-ki didn’t want anyone to worry about him.
He didn’t want to be a burden, so he puts up a happy facade whenever he can even though he was silently asking for help.
His body was moving on its own as if the dance they learned an hour ago was all just muscle memory. He was just staring at himself in the mirror, scrutinizing every movement.
It was such an unhealthy habit. Looking for flaws when there was none, beating himself up for not fitting into every standard and expectation.
Anger and sadness was never a good combination but it’s something Ni-ki manages to put up with everyday while a smile still takes place on his lips. It’s painfully incredible.
The reality behind the perfect image he created of himself.
His eyelids felt unusually heavier and his head was aching but he could not afford to let these things stop their practice. ‘Just a few more hours.’ was echoing in his mind which motivated him to pull through.
Ni-ki’s body was silently rejoicing that the day was finally over since he could finally rest, doesn’t mean he will but he could. He usually practices even when they get home as a way to teach himself a lesson.
Every word, every insult, every flaw pulls the trigger for Ni-ki. The immense pressure of being someone everyone wants you to be was so addicting yet so tiring. The amount of praise you get for living up to their expectations feels so good, even if a new set of insults follow right after it.
The headache he ignored became worse and he could feel himself heating up even after their short break. He was used to this though. He would always get fevers after he over thinks about something.
The seven boys separate and go into two different cars so they can head home. Ni-ki sat beside Sunoo and linked arms with him while leaning his head onto the older’s shoulder. Sunoo notices that the younger was being a little more clingy than usual and he can’t help but smile at his cute gestures.
After a while, they finally arrived at their dorm and everyone immediately discussed who was first to shower. Ni-ki was thankful he was first because he had an excuse to not force himself to practice dancing again.
He took a cold bath to help with his fever and muscle pains. His hands were on the wall as the water from his hair ran down through his body. He was thinking about the same thoughts again and again. As much as he wanted to just turn off his brain, it just wouldn’t work.
He finished washing up and grabbed his towel to dry himself. He put on his clothes and walked out the bathroom while he was drying his hair with the towel.
Sunoo happily entered the bathroom since it was his turn next. Ni-ki went into their room and immediately laid down on his bed. His head was still aching, cheeks still warm, and head still full of thoughts.
A silent room with a kid who had loud thoughts. It just made his head ache more and he can’t help but cry out of frustration. He faced the wall to make sure no one would see him so vulnerable.
It was too painful that even his chest started to hurt physically. All he wanted was his mother’s hug, his dad’s advice, his sisters’ comfort. Something so simple but he was deprived of it.
“Ni-ki? Why are you crying?” a sweet voice asked which shocked Ni-ki. “Oh, Sunoo hyung! Didn’t see you there…” Ni-ki said as he wiped his face with his towel.
“Ni-ki… I’m here if you need someone to listen to you. I won’t force you but I see how whatever you’re thinking about makes you so frustrated. It’s not healthy to bottle up your emotions…” Sunoo said as he walked towards the younger’s bed to sit beside him.
“Wh-what?” Ni-ki asked his hyung, slightly confused.
“I-I hear you. Every night. And it pains me so much to see you pretend. It upsets me, seeing how tough it is for you and you try so hard not to show it b-but I want you to show it to me.” Sunoo said, unaware of the tears running down his face.
He only noticed that he was already crying when he tried to take a breath but it turned into a sniffle instead.
Sunoo reached out for the younger’s face and caressed his face with his thumb. “Whatever your reality is Ni-ki, I want to face it with you. So please, let me.” Sunoo added, and that was enough for Ni-ki to burst into tears as he leaned into his hyung’s chest.
Sunoo let him and just wrapped his arms around Ni-ki’s body.
“I-I miss them so much. I don’t want to keep missing them until there’s nothing left of me hyung. It’s all too painful. The hate I get just makes it worse. I just want to be able to run to them when I have problems.” Ni-ki confessed.
It was hard for Ni-ki to show his vulnerable side to anyone but that was only because no one tried hard enough to understand him. Everyone either tried and gave up or they simply just gave Ni-ki some space in order to think things out.
But he didn’t want to be alone. Being alone with his thoughts was unbearable for Ni-ki.
Sunoo just let the younger vent, responding with “It’s okay, baby. Let it all out. I’m listening.” every now and then to reassure the younger that he was listening.
Some of the words Ni-ki said were starting to become incoherent which was a sign that he was about to fall asleep and let the younger lay down properly so he wouldn't hurt his back. Sunoo sat down while pulling the blanket over the younger.
“My baby is so strong. You are doing so well. We will get through this together, hmm?” Sunoo said while brushing away the hair that stuck onto his face from all the crying.
He was about to walk away after he finished tucking him in bed but he felt a hand grip on the hem of his shirt.
“Ple-please. Don’t leave me.” Ni-ki said, pain apparent in his voice as his eyes begged his hyung to stay.
It was all too painful for Sunoo. Seeing the younger so broken but when he was on camera, he was so bubbly and playful. It was as if he could make you whole.
“I won’t ever leave you.” Sunoo said with a smile on his face as he slowly got into bed with the younger. Ni-ki made sure to get as close with his hyung as possible, afraid of the possibility that he might lose him too. Ni-ki’s head was in the crook of his hyung’s neck and their legs were tangled.
Sunoo just stared at the younger who was about to drift off to sleep. He traced every single mole on his face, whispering affirmations, lulling Ni-ki to sleep.
Sunoo smiled at how the younger was finally in a calm and peaceful state. He deserved to get a good night’s rest from always overworking himself. Sunoo continued admiring the younger’s face. He felt himself drifting off to sleep, hand still on his face.
You’ll always have me, Ni-ki.