Archive of Our Own ^beta

The change is gradual so he doesn't notice it at first. He has been smiling a little more, going out with friends a little more and conversations come easier. He doesn't notice. It isn't until one morning while he is in the middle of getting ready for his shift at the coffee shop that he notices. The golden rays of the sun streaming in through the drapes and pooling at his feet send a warmth through his body. It flows from his toes to his fingertips, tingling his brain and then settles in his chest. It is like one of Minho hyung’s cats who likes to use his chest as a bed. A thought flits through his mind so fast, that he barely would’ve paid it any heed if it hadn’t caught him so off-guard. It is a simple thought but something he hasn’t thought in a long long time and meant it.

I’m happy, his mind whispers. "I'm happy," he repeats to himself. A giddy feeling bubbles in his chest.

If Seungmin noticed the change in him so late, he notices the changes in his friends even later. He doesn't pay any attention to the ways Felix is soft with him, Felix is soft with everyone.

He is wiping down the tables after closing hours and humming softly to himself when Felix throws himself at him. Seungmin's breath is almost knocked out of him with the sheer force.

“What’s up, Lix?” he giggles. Felix just hugs him tighter and burrows his face into his shoulder.

“Nothing, just missed hearing your singing voice,” he mumbles into Seungmin’s shoulders. Oh right, he hadn’t sung in a while.

Felix lifts his head to look up at the other boy, “It’s just, you sing when you’re happy and I haven’t heard you sing in a while,” he gives Seungmin a bright smile. The warmth from the morning grows.

“Minnie, you should come with us this weekend when we go camping!" Felix exclaims, "We could sing around the campfire and eat delicious food. It’s been a while since even the hyungs were free,” Felix clings onto Seungmin harder, unwilling to let him go.

“I’ll tell Jisung to bring his projector so we can watch a movie and Minho hyung will cook for us!” Felix’s eyes sparkle at the thought of all the plans he has for the weekend getaway. He looks so excited and hopeful that Seungmin will be there.

Seungmin wants to say no. In the past, he’s never enjoyed night outs with friends. Sure, it made him feel warm and loved at times. Yes, he laughed in the moment but the more he laughed, the more hollow and guilty he felt. He would leave with exhaustion clinging to him and guilt eating him up. He knew that he was loved and he knew that he was wanted but every word and laugh that came out of him felt disingenuous. He felt so far away from everyone and everything. He would leave relieved, running away from his friends but their love would follow him back home in “Did you get back home safe?” texts that he knew he wouldn’t have bothered to send if he was in the other position. He would go to bed covered in a blanket of guilt because he knew that he was more loved by others than he loved others.

Seungmin says yes. He still loves his friends and his chest has been nicer to him lately. He is hoping the ache, loneliness and hollowness won’t bother him this time.

The weekend comes faster than Seungmin hopes. When he wakes up on a Saturday morning, the only feeling in his chest is not an ache but the fluttering of butterflies at the excitement of the trip ahead. He hopes it stays that way.

And it does, for the most part. The road trip is loud and chaotic as things always are with their group. They have taken two cars and two five-people tents. It’s just about an hour and a half drive out of Seoul at a ranch. They stop at a gas station on the way where the two groups reunite for a while before continuing their journey.

Seungmin gets out to stretch his legs as Minho hyung and Chan hyung fill up on gas. He shivers in the morning breeze. His cheeks are flushed red and they hurt from the biting cold but he feels so alive he doesn’t mind.

He jumps when two strong arms wrap themselves around his small frame.

“Oh, did I scare you? Sorry,” Changbin giggles, “your arms are so cold, why aren’t you wearing a jacket?” Seungmin just hums and leans completely into his friend, soaking up his warmth.

“I can steal your warmth instead so I don’t need one,” he replies, smiling cheekily.

“Brat,” Changbin squeezes him between his strong biceps,

“Aaaahhhh, hyung!” Seungmin struggles to break free from the elder’s tight grip,

“I’ll teach you to be respectful to your elders-”

“If you two are done, can we please get going? I want to get there before lunch time!” their maknae, Jeongin calls out to them. The other car that Minho was driving has already taken off.

“Seungminnie will sit beside me this time,” Changbin whines, pulling Seungmin behind him, towards the car.

Once they’re seated in the car and have hit the road, Seungmin feels himself being lulled to sleep. He feels his body being pulled towards his hyung’s chest, Changbin's arms coming to support his body as he leans on the shorter man.

The cramped car shouldn’t be this cosy and comfortable but it is. It’s warm but not suffocating and he basks in it. His chest feels full instead of hollow this time.

And that’s how the rest of the trip goes. His brain decides to be kinder to him for once so he can enjoy himself.

Usually campgrounds are crowded, but Changbin’s family is good friends with the owners of this ranch and they are able to escape the city to this place, tucked between the hills of Gangwon-do: Their own quiet haven.

The eight of them set up their tents, make space for the campfire, lay down mats and foldable chairs and tables and start cooking lunch. Seungmin even chases around Jeongin, and Jisung joins him in troubling their youngest. Chan is looking over them, smiling gently like a proud dad. Minho is cooking the meat while Hyunjin is pestering Changbin.

Seungmin collapses on a tiny foldable chair. Running around warmed up his body and he’s breathing heavily. Jeongin is still grumbling about being chased around by his hyungs and Jisung has moved on to bother Chan. Seungmin sighs, rubbing his hand to keep the biting cold away, hunching over and blowing onto his numb fingers. He forgot to pack gloves.

“Minnie, give me your hands,” Felix all but demands when he sees Seungmin’s predicament. He grabs them in his own hands, his tinier ones barely cover Seungmin’s. Seungmin laughs at Felix’s groan when the other boy realises that he can’t help because his hands are too small. Suddenly, he’s being pulled up from his spot, towards where Chan was starting to serve food.

A bowl of soup is forced into his hands, effectively warming them up.

Minho turns towards him from where he is cooking meat and lifts up a piece in his tongs,

“Seungmo! Ah,” he prompts Seungmin to open his mouth. Seungmin complies, confused at the extra attention being given to him by Minho. Flavours burst in his mouth and he smiles at his hyung in appreciation.

“Good dog, a treat for coming out with us today,” his tone is teasing but his eyes are soft.

A cold breeze ruffles his hair. When was the last time he had gone out with his friends? He had been skipping invites and even blew off some birthdays but surely he hadn’t been such a recluse, had he?

Days had turned into weeks and weeks into months and he hadn’t even realised, caught up in his own grief that he had pushed away his friends. The new year arrived and now he found himself in the middle of a cold February, camping with his best friends. His chest continues to warm when he realises that his friends didn’t leave him behind despite all that.

The day goes by like that; some spend it cuddling inside the tents, taking refuge from the cold wind and a few brave ones sit out in the breeze, soaking up the nature they don’t get to see in the city.

Chan, Changbin and Jeongin are sitting outside, leaning over a table that they had set up, playing cards.

“Look at Innie,” Seungmin points out to Jisung who is sitting beside him. Jeongin is sitting hunching over his cards, staring thoughtfully at them, swirling a lollipop around in his mouth. His faux fur jacket and position making him look like a stereotypical gambler right out of the movies.

“Maknae on top!” Jisung laughs. He jumps up from his seat and turns around towards Seungmin.

“Right!” he claps his hands, “Let’s take a look around! I want you to take some cool pictures of me with this scenery!”

Seungmin rolls his eyes but there's a smile on his face, “You only want me to come so I can be your photographer, in fact I'm pretty sure that’s the only reason I was invited to this trip,” Seungmin jokes. Jisung however, frowns at the joke.

“We invited you because we want you around, Minnie,”

“I know Sungie, I’m only kidding,” Seungmin grabs Jisung’s hand and heaves himself up from his chair with Jisung’s support. Jisung grabs onto Seungmin’s hand and doesn’t let him go.

“Maybe you were joking but I missed you and I need you to know that you are very wanted and needed here, with us okay?” He says it with such urgency as if he absolutely needs Seungmin to know this right now and believe him.

Seungmin is confused at the sudden seriousness but nods anyway, “I know, I’m sorry for being so distant,”

“No, no! Don’t apologise, I just…I’m sorry I didn’t reach out enough either or check i-”

“No please don’t. Don’t ever be sorry for my actions. You’re not responsible for me or my actions and let’s just…” Seungmin trails off. His throat is constricting, making it hard to speak.

Oh no, it was supposed to be a good day. It has been a good week. Why now?

He feels himself being tugged away and the hand he is holding being squeezed.

“Okay, okay, I am sorry I brought this up. Let’s just…let’s just go for a walk now,” Jisung’s voice cuts through his thoughts.

Jisung is pulling him away from the rest of the group, for which he is grateful. There are tears already threatening to spill and he doesn’t want to ruin their day with his dumb emotions.

“We will talk later though, please?” Seungmin just nods silently while looking down at the frozen ground and trying to will away the pain in his throat and chest. It hurts more because he had forgotten what it felt like in the few weeks of relief he felt.

“I’m sorry,” Jisung apologises again. Seungmin shakes his head no, waving away the apology. His throat hurts and he is afraid that if he speaks the tears will fall. He had been so caught up in his pain, he didn’t think about his friends at all.

They walk in silence, hand in hand for a while. It is cold but Jisung’s hand is enough to keep Seungmin warm. They walk for another fifteen minutes before Seungmin feels better enough to look up and actually admire the scenery. Five more minutes pass and he’s clicking pictures of the view and of Jisung. He even feels good enough to take a few silly selfies.

Patches of powdery snow cover the ground in really thin layers. There is hardly any greenery, yet the bare trees and hilly terrain have a beauty of their own. Seungmin’s heart feels like the trees; stripped bare and naked to the elements. But the leaves will grow back once the winter passes and spring arrives. This place will be flourishing with life. Maybe there will be squirrels then. Seungmin almost giggles when that thought reminds him of his friend next to him. Maybe they can come back then, but till then the icy winter holds its own charm.

It’s half an hour later when they go back to their friends and the pain in his chest has reduced to a dull ache. Later when Changbin piles more meat into his food bowl, it vanishes completely.

As the sun sets, Jisung takes out his projector. He even brings out a guitar and everyone cheers. They’ve all drunk a little soju and are happily tipsy. Pink flushes their cheeks and the world seems happier. Hyunjin and Jeongin's argument serves as background noise as the rest huddle around the campfire. It feels toasty and pleasant. Jisung strums a few notes on the guitar and hums.

“I want to hear Seungmin sing again!” Felix whines, leaning heavily onto Seungmin. Seungmin giggles and pushes Felix off.

“Maybe later,” he tries to console the freckled boy. Felix whines and rubs his head into Seungmin's shoulder and messes up his own hair.

“Enough now, leave the poor boy alone,” Chan peels off Felix from Seungmin, only for him to latch onto Chan like a koala.

Hyunjin happily slinks into Felix’s space, finally relenting and letting the youngest choose the movie for the night. He wraps his arms around Seungmin.

“Am I going to get even a little bit of personal space tonight?” Seungmin huffs playfully.

“Does anyone ever get personal space whenever we hang out together?” Jisung answers from where he is draped across Minho’s thighs. How he is even able to play the guitar from that position is a mystery to Seungmin.

“I’m never letting you go again Minnie,” Hyunjin squeezes him

“Ow ow- you’ll have to if you keep suffocating me like this and I die,” Seungmin tries to push the older off. Hyunjin backs off, but his hand drops and snakes its way into Seungmin’s cold ones.

“Why are your hands always so cold?”

“It’s the anxiety disorder,” Seungmin jokes

“Wait, how does that work?” Jisung is the one who asks

“I’m actually not sure,” Seungmin replies, “I just read it somewhere once that anxiety causes blood to flow away from your limbs to your nervous syste- you know what? what do I know, sorry that was random and I’m rambling and it’s literally just the cold that’s making my hands cold”

“Why are your hands cold?” Minho mocks, “Yeah it’s totally not because we’re in the mountains in winter,”

“Well yeah but-”

“Seungminnie! I like it when you tell us your random facts! We have such a smart friend, Seungminnie!” Changbin cuts off Hyunjin, his arms are stretched out, making grabby hands ready to tackle Seungmin,

“Oh no! Hyung, no! Back off! Bad hyung! Bad!” Seungmin tries to move away but Hyunjin is still holding onto him. Laughter falls from lips as he tries to clamour away from his hyung in vain while Hyunjin has an iron grip on him,

Changbin falls on top of the two boys and the three of them fall onto the ground in a pile of giggles.

“Okay get up before someone gets badly hurt! You’re crushing Hyunjin!” Chan comes to their rescue as always.

“I feel like we’re on a school trip and Chan is a teacher supervising us all the time,” Jeongin remarks.

“Yes, I feel like I’m babysitting school children,” Chan sighs.

Once they’re all settled around the fire, Jisung starts strumming the guitar, adding background music to the cosy atmosphere. The fire crackles softly as they chatter and laugh amongst themselves, catching up and talking about the past week.

Jeongin is finally done choosing a movie. They all get up to rearrange their chairs, facing the side of the large white tent serving as a makeshift projector screen for the night.

“What did you choose, Innie?” Chan asks, his chin resting on Seungmin’s shoulder and his arms wrapped around the boy’s waist. Seungmin is not one to usually indulge in much physical affection but his bare arms feel like they're being stabbed by tiny sharp needles and Chan’s arms are warm and steady, his own personal heater.

“You’ll see!” He smiles gleefully

“Jeongin, I swear to god if you chose a horror movie it’s you I will be sleeping with tonight,” Jisung threatens.

“No come on I don’t want to watch a scary movie please,” Hyunjin whines,

“I didn’t choose a horror movie wimps so stop complaining, we’re watching Tune in for Love and if anyone objects, keep it to yourself because I don't care,”

Seungmin perks up at the mention of the movie,

“Ahh that is a hug in a movie! I’ve seen it before,” Hyunjin sighs happily.

“Isn’t this that ‘right person, wrong time’ story?” Seungmin recalls, “I’ve been meaning to watch it,”

“Yes! I’ve heard good things about it,” Jeongin agrees, he settles down next to Changbin who immediately latches onto the maknae. Seungmin hums in agreement.

“I don’t think we’ll be able to finish the whole film tonight though,” Changbin points out.

“Definite-” A yawn cuts Hyunjin off, “Definitely not, I won’t at least”

Chan shifts behind Seungmin, lets him go and stands up.

“Wait a second, I’ll be right back,” Chan goes back to their tent and Seungmin is left in the chill again, he scoots closer to the fire.

“I hope it’s not sad if it is right person wrong timing,” Felix remarks as they wait for Chan to get back and the movie to load,

“Oh no, it's so sweet!” Hyunjin reassures,

“Ugh are we going to watch some cheesy romance movie,” Minho groans

“Well it’s more about…personal growth too? Like the characters keep meeting at different points in their lives and they feel a connection but it’s never the right time,” he tries to explain. “Oh and when they…” their chatter bleeds into the ambience of the night as Seungmin stops paying attention and takes in their environment instead.

Winter is coming to an end and although it has stopped snowing, the frosted ground and icy breeze still taunts them. It’s getting colder by the minute and he bets that by the next hour they will be forced to move inside the tents even with the campfire. The sun had set two hours ago, their fire and lamps are the only lights along with the million twinkling ones in the sky. There are no ‘sounds of the night’ or ‘sounds of nature’, it’s more like the absolute 'silence of nature'. There are no cars or other city noises piercing the air. It feels like their own little slice of paradise tucked away from the world. Their campsite is near a cliff, an old rickety fence lining it.

Watching the sunrise against the hills would be nice, Seungmin thinks.

The fire casts a warm glow across the group. It is nice. He feels warm and safe surrounded by his friends despite the harsh weather.

He blinks a couple of times, his eyelids heavy as he listens to the soft spoken conversation going on around him.

Chan returns with a jacket, “Here you go Minnie,” he helps Seungmin put it on. Then Seungmin leans back into Chan when the other man sits down next to him.

Everyone finally quietens down as the movie begins.

Seungmin's eyes shut not even half an hour through, tucked under Chan’s arm.

When he wakes up later, it is by Chan’s soft movements as he is getting ready to pick him up. Seungmin blinks sleepily.

“Oh you’re awake, sorry, it’s time to go inside,” Chan explains.

“Can you get up? I don’t mind carrying you if you’re still sleepy,”

Seungmin shakes his head, “It’s okay, I’m up” his voice is thick with sleep. Tired tears well up in the corners of his eyes as he yawns.

“Have a good night then Minnie, if you need anything I’m just in the other tent with the others,” Chan reminds, ruffling Seungmin’s hair. Seungmin nods, too tired to speak.

He gets up on wobbly knees and makes his way to his tent. It’s dark inside, except for the torch light that Jisung is using to rummage through a bag. Hyunjin is already fast asleep in one end of the tent, his back turned to them.

“Hey Minnie, wanna join us in the next tent? We’re sending all the sleepyheads here and playing games there,” Jisung grins at him,

Seungmin shakes his head. “Tired,” he simply says,

“That’s alright, sleep well baby,” he turns back to digging through the bag,

Seungmin lays down next to Hyunjin, on one of the air mattresses they had set down and pulls up the blanket around him. It settles over him and he sighs, relaxing. His eyes easily shut but his mind is still awake. He settles for listening to the sounds around him as he waits for sleep to overtake him.

Hyunjin’s soft breathing is accompanied by the sounds of Jisung shuffling around the place. The tent door zips open as someone comes in, bringing in a waft of cold air. Seungmin shivers.

“Did you find the Uno?” Felix whispers to Jisung

“Yeah, come in and close the door,” there is more moving around and shifting.

“Where are the playing cards?”

“Innie and Binnie hyung were playing earlier today”

Soon the words turn into muffled gibberish as Seungmin finds himself drifting off.

Then he’s wide awake as he hears his name.

“...Seungmin is here,”

He doesn't move. He knows it’s wrong to eavesdrop but he can’t help himself.

“He did start almost crying when we went on a walk earlier but he was fine after, he promised he’ll talk though,”

“Hmm, that’s good. I was so happy when I heard him sing the other day even if it was just humming and I am so happy he agreed to come along this time,”

“Channie hyung was devastated when he didn’t show up for his birthday and Minho hyung pretended not to care and not to mention ours, the three of us were supposed to celebrate together”

“I know, remember he even threatened to break into Seungmin’s apartment when he didn’t reply to any of our messages?”

“Yeah…what do you think happened?”

“I’m not sure, he is always spaced out and never hangs out with us unless its necessary or Jeongin manages to drag him,”

Seungmin is trying to stay still as listens to the hushed conversation. Silent tears slip down his cheeks. But he remains still. He is sorry, he wants to say. He is so sorry.

Jisung eventually leaves and Felix decides to stay behind as the sleepiness catches up to him.

Seungmin feels his blanket being pulled up from behind as Felix slips under the covers next to him. It’s a tight fit on the small mattress but Felix makes it work by sticking extremely close. Thin arms encircle Seungmin and Felix's breath tickles the back of his head. Seungmin swallows. He doesn’t turn around, not wanting the other boy to see his face, sticky and gross with tears and snot.

“Shh, good night Minnie, we love you,” Felix mumbles. “You’ll be alright,”

It’s the last thing Seungmin hears before finally giving into his tiredness.

When Seungmin wakes up, he has trouble opening his eyes. The tears from last night had dried up, making it uncomfortable and sticky to open his eyelids. He forces them open anyway. He stares at Hyunjin’s back, moving with every breath as he sleeps peacefully. Felix’s arm is a comfortable weight on his waist and he can already feel his eyes shut on their own. A heavy tiredness clings to him. It runs deep, settling in his bones, making him sink into the mattress. He almost falls back to sleep when the sound of the tent zipper being opened wakes him up again. He lifts up his head to see who it is.

“Seungmo!” Minho’s voice is just above a whisper when he sees Seungmin. Seungmin nods at him in acknowledgment, ready to go back to bed

“Nope, time to wake up,” Seungmin wants to groan.

“Don’t give me that look, come give hyung some company,”

Seungmin sighs in defeat and slowly begins to get out of bed, trying not to wake Felix or Hyunjin. He grabs the nearest phone to check the time.

The screen lights up. 7:09 am.

When Seungmin climbs out of the tent, the seashell pink sky and fiery orange clouds greet him first.

He notices that even what little snow there had been had thawed overnight. Winter is ending, it reminds him.

Minho is standing overlooking the cliff, his back to him. His silhouette is dark against the bright sky.

There is a kettle on the stove and a cup on the folding table. The campsite is still a little messy from last night. Some blankets, Jisung’s guitar and a crate of empty soju bottles strewn haphazardly across the mats that they had sat on last night. He just knows that they’re going to get one of Chan’s infamous dad lectures later while they clean up. But that is a problem for later.

Now, he joins Minho in watching the sunrise. Minho turns to him and hands him one of the cups he was holding.

They both stand in silence for a while, just admiring the way colours spill over the sky.

There’s the sound of gravel crunching underfoot and Seungmin turns around to see Jisung making his way towards them. He is holding a black plastic bag with newspaper sticking out of it.

“Seungmin! Good morning,” He greets, “I just went down to the farm and ahjumma gave me some hot sweet potatoes!”

“Hmm there’s tea for you on the table, let’s eat with the others,” Minho says,

Jisung comes to stand beside him, and lays his head on Seungmin’s shoulder and joins them in viewing the world rise awake. Seungmin barely pays him any mind. He cannot tear his eyes away from the scene as he watches the world fill with colour in real time. The sun chases away his tiredness with each passing second. It’s such a simple thing yet it feels like a spiritual experience to stand between two of his best friends and watch the sunrise at the edge of this cliff.

The winter in his heart begins to thaw.