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Sakunosuke was alone at the bar. The air was heavy with liquor and he wallowed in it, feeling drunk without drinking.
It was an odd occurrence to be here first. Dazai was usually there first, Sakunosuke’s drink ordered for him. Dazai would order a drink, but seldom drank it. He would mostly be tapping the ice in his drink, eating his weight in crab, or petting that strange cat that occupied the bar.
The cat in question was curled on Dazai’s seat, tail swishing and looking up at Sakunosuke with frighteningly human-like eyes. He reached his hand to pet it, and it turned its head to avoid him. So it would only let Dazai pet it. What a strange creature.
The bar door jingled and a flash of the fleeting sun cast a warm orange glow on the floorboards. The man who walked in had too many coats on than necessary and was covered in bandages. He slipped off his overcoat and hung it on the coat rack.
“Evening, barkeep.”
The barkeep didn’t say a word, but gave a welcoming nod. The man who entered suddenly noticed Sakunosuke, and a soft smile broke on his face.
“Odasaku,” Dazai said, “you’re early.”
“Maybe you’re late.”
Dazai glanced at the clock. “No. I don’t believe I am.”
He walked towards his seat, and the cat jumped out of the way to occupy another seat in the corner.
“Apologies, Sensei,” Dazai whispered.
Perhaps the cat allowed Dazai to pet it because of their shared strangeness.
The barkeep placed a can of crab and a glass of liquor in front of Dazai without him asking. Dazai leaned his face on his hand, facing Sakunosuke. His eyes were oddly bright, and the soft smile had yet to leave his face.
“Fancy seeing you here.”
“I was here yesterday.”
“Maybe you were. Maybe you weren’t.” Dazai tilted his head. “I’m happy to see you here now, though.”
Sakunosuke hummed in agreement, taking a sip of his drink. It stung down his throat pleasantly. Dazai watched him with those bright brown eyes.
Dazai was decidedly hard to read. At least, to everyone except Sakunosuke. Whether he was just better at reading him than other people or because Dazai allowed himself to be read by him, he didn’t know.
“How was work today?” He asked after a pause.
Dazai whined. “Exhausting. The hostages were so mean and said choice words about my mother.” He gave an aloof grin. “Jokes on them, I don’t have a mother.”
“Then who am I?”
Dazai looked confused before realizing Sakunosuke was joking. He blinked multiple times before giggling softly.
“You told a joke,” he said. Sakunosuke noticed a light dust of red over his cheeks. “Maybe you aren’t here.”
“I can’t tell a joke?”
“Not well, no.”
“Fair enough.” Sakunosuke downed the rest of his drink. Dazai let out a long drawn out sigh before collapsing his back on Sakunosuke’s shoulder.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he repeated. He looked relaxed, content. Comfortable. Sakunosuke twirled a strand of his hair with his finger. Perhaps the cat allowed Dazai to pet him because Dazai was secretly a cat.
“I think you’re a cat,” he said aloud.
Dazai leaned his head back, grinning to show off his canine teeth. “Because I’m cute and I melt your heart?”
“No,” Sakunosuke said, “because you lay where you want and bite people.”
Dazai giggled again. Sakunosuke briefly wondered if he laughed this casually and softly with anyone else. He supposed the barkeep often saw, but never experienced it. Maybe that made Sakunosuke feel more important.
They sat in a comfortable silence. Dazai’s eyes were closed, his head laid on Sakunosuke’s shoulder. He was light. Like a feather. So fragile.
Dazai liked to pretend he was better. He liked to pretend he was fine. Sakunosuke knew better. He noticed how Dazai tensed when he initiated contact. He noticed how often he looked as though he was about to cry.
He’d never seen Dazai cry. And, if he was being honest, he didn’t want to. Sakunosuke’s heart ached whenever any of his kids cried, and he’d hate for Dazai to be referred to as a child.
But Dazai was a child. He was barely eighteen. He was just a lost child who lost his child self. Sakunosuke had sacrificed his child self, and he supposed in that way, he understood Dazai. If even a little.
“Can we stay like this?” Dazai asked.
“What do you mean?”
Dazai motioned to the calming aura of the bar. “This. I feel safe. For once. I don’t think it’s the bar, though.”
He swiveled his head on Sakunosuke’s shoulder so his nose was pressed against his neck.
“I think it’s you.”
Dazai was hard to read. He spoke as though he knew what he was talking about, but most of it was bullshit that he made up on the spot. He wanted to say this was one of those times, but it was hard to when Dazai was breathing against his neck and spoke so quietly.
“You feel safe with me around?”
“You could put it that way, I suppose.” He wiggled a finger under the bandages on his wrists. It was a nervous habit Sakunosuke noticed he had.
“Which is strange,” Dazai added. “I don’t feel safe or unsafe anywhere. I just am. I don’t feel things like other people do, Odasaku. I don’t feel anxious, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad. I don’t have emotions like other people do. I don’t understand them. They’re alien to me.”
Sakunosuke had saved his own life by reading a book. He tried to save Dazai by giving him books. Dazai would return them to him with a smile and a thank you, but he said he never related to characters or their thoughts and emotions.
Sakunosuke gave Dazai all the books he’d read. Romance, comedy, suspense, mystery, non-fiction, fantasy, everything. And every time, Dazai would just return the book with a smile on his face.
“I liked it,” he’d always say. “Thank you for lending it to me.”
“Did you relate to the main character?” Sakunosuke always asked.
“No,” Dazai replied, “not really.”
Sakunosuke tried giving him tragedies. Ones where the main character died at the end, ones where characters committed suicide. Dazai never related. Until one book.
Sakunosuke was never able to remember the name of the book or the author, but he remembered how Dazai seemed… afraid. Like he was understood. And that scared him.
Dazai had handed him the book without a word.
“Did you relate to the main character?” Sakunosuke had asked.
“I did. Too much.”
Sakunosuke had burned the book soon after. It had unnerved him to see Dazai look so afraid of something.
“Maybe because they’re alien to you, you understand them more than other people.”
Dazai stopped his fidgeting under his bandages and lifted his head to be eye level with Sakunosuke.
“What?”
“You don’t understand them, so you research them. And you end up knowing more about their emotions than they do.”
“I didn’t think of it that way.”
His eyes were dull. “What are you feeling right now?”
Sakunosuke thought for a moment. “Unsure. You guess.”
“You’re hopelessly in love with me,” Dazai chirped. “But, who wouldn’t be?”
“I think you’re confusing me with someone else.” Sakunosuke smiled. “No offense, but you are really not my type.”
“Cold, Odasaku, cold!”
Laughter was somewhat contagious. It echoed through the bar, the calming aura now teasing and light. They left content and happier than they were.
“I’d offer to drive you home, but I was drinking,” Sakunosuke said.
“Maybe I’ll drive you home,” Dazai replied, sticking out his tongue playfully.
“Thanks, but no thanks. I rather like my head attached to my shoulders.”
Dazai giggled. “That’s fair. I’ll call Chuuya to pick me up. Goodnight, Odasaku.”
“Goodnight, Dazai.”
Sakunosuke called a cab. He could pick up his car tomorrow, when he was sober.
He returned home to an empty apartment. He stripped himself of his clothes, replacing them with his pajamas. He settled into bed, before his phone buzzed.
It was a text. Dazai didn’t text him often. He opened the message. It was a selfie, Dazai holding a peace sign with a large grin on his face. Behind him, Chuuya was passed out on the couch, a mustache badly drawn on with marker.
“Staying the night at Slug’s!!!” The text read.
“Good luck staying alive tomorrow,” Sakunosuke typed back.
“I don’t plan to,” Dazai answered.
“What does that mean?”
There was no answer. Sakunosuke frowned and looked at the selfie again.
The Complete Guide to Suicide was on the table next to the couch. Sakunosuke’s throat clenched painfully. He wasn’t an idiot. Dazai was very openly suicidal. He was very blunt and creative with his attempts, to the point where Sakunosuke believed he was joking.
Until one time Ango came to the bar and reported Dazai had attempted to hang himself. And it became painfully real to Sakunosuke. He could lose a friend at any moment, by his own hand. And that terrified him.
He turned off his phone and slept dreamlessly, and couldn’t help but notice how the clothes in his closet looked an awful like a person hanging by their neck.