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“Raph, it’s okay, we’ll figure something out.”
“Would you stop ?!”
“I’m just trying to help.”
“I don’t need your damn help, Leo!”
“We need to--”
“God, Leo, you’re so fucking overbearing! Sometimes I wish you had died in that car accident!!”
Raph had gotten suspended for getting into a fight at school, and this close to the end of his high school career, it was going to negatively affect whether or not he could graduate on time. Raph was much more emotional about the situation, absolutely destroyed that it was going to delay his ability to get out of public school. Leo, on the other hand, was unsurprised (much to Raph’s chagrin), and therefore much more level-headed about the situation.
Having been suspended and sent home early, Raph and Leo were the only ones in the house, which meant that when Raph stormed out the front door, seething, Leo was left alone at the kitchen table to reflect on his words.
He stared after Raph, open-mouthed, wanting to say something, to make any kind of noise, but nothing came out. He felt like he was going to suffocate. He doubted Raph meant it, and that he’d come to apologize later, but knowing he even had the thought enough to say it hurt Leo in a way that he couldn't describe.
Leo looked down at the table, feeling tears overwhelm his eyes and making them burn. His chest was tight, his fingertips numb and unfeeling, and he was moments away from sobbing. Despite knowing he was home alone and no one would be there to hear him, he pressed the back of his hand to his mouth and moved up the stairs, shutting himself in the room he shared with Donnie. He sat down against the door and sobbed, pulling his knees to his chest.
Did he want to die? He wasn’t sure these days. Sometimes, when he reflected on the week he had spent not being bothered by his family, he missed it. It had been a week of not fighting with Raph, not being bored down on by Splinter, and not dealing with Donnie’s late-night insomnia. But Mikey, the one who could never keep secrets for too long, had told Leo later about how difficult that week had been for all of them. Leo knew Mikey didn’t mean to guilt-trip him, but he felt horrible about it anyway. He didn’t want to do that to his family, and that was what would happen if he did kill himself.
But god , sometimes being alive was just too much . It wasn’t worth Raph’s hurtful words and the constant fear for Mikey’s safety. It wasn’t worth Splinter’s overbearing parenting or Donnie’s anxiety.
Leo felt cold by the time he came back to himself. He was sore like he’d been sitting against the door for hours. It took a lot of effort to get back to his feet and drag himself over to the bed.
No, he decided. He didn’t want to die. It was just that today was really difficult. He fell against his pillows and hugged one to his chest, allowing the waves of tears to come back with a vengeance. Raph probably didn’t want him to die either. He didn’t mean it.
Leo didn’t budge when the bedroom door opened. He didn’t know what time it was, but now that he could feel someone looking at him, he didn’t want to risk moving to check. So who knew who it was. Could’ve been Donnie, could’ve been Raph. Maybe it was Mikey.
“Leo.”
It was Raph.
“Leo, ‘m sorry.” He was hoarse, like he’d been running and was out of breath. “I didn’t mean it.”
Leo didn’t answer, keeping still to avoid having to. He didn’t feel like dealing with it right now. He had barely gotten over the emotions himself. He couldn’t take Raph’s on too.
“Leo,” he said, more insistently, and covered the room in two steps so he could shake his shoulder harshly. “Wake up.”
Oh. Right. He had to reassure Raph he hadn’t done something stupid in the time he was gone. Leo turned onto his back and looked up at Raph. The other’s eyes were red, and he took a shaky breath. “Did you hear me?”
“I did,” Leo said, voice wavering. It was so hard to look at him right then. “But I don’t forgive you. I’m still upset.”
Raph’s shoulders went stiff, but he didn’t say anything. They both knew that it was totally reasonable for Leo to not be over what had said. Raph had crossed a line. At least he was mature enough to know that. Three years ago, it might’ve been different.
“Okay.” Raph’s voice was thick. “You’ll… tell me. When you feel better. Right?”
Leo nodded, not daring to say it out loud, because that would make it sound more true, and it wasn’t. He couldn't guarantee anything right then.
“... okay,” Raph said again, stepping back, and then leaving the room in a hurry like he was afraid of Leo saying anything after him.
But Leo had nothing to say. He was tired and numb and his mouth felt dry. He didn’t want to talk ever again.
He rolled over again so his back was to the door and curled up around the pillow he was holding, gripping it like a lifeline and repeating to himself over and over again that Raph was sorry, that he didn’t mean it, that he still… loved Leo.
Maybe.