Chapter Text
Quick-loving hearts, I thought, may quickly loathe;
And, looking on myself, I seemed not one - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
I stood up and almost fell back down again from the sheer weight of my gown. It was an exquisite pale pink number that looped round a tightly laced bodice before ballooning into a riot of roses that made up the skirt. It certainly didn’t look heavy when the royal dressmaker proposed the idea to me but I was regretting it once I had laced up and stood to look at myself. But in the mirror, it felt like a different woman stood. I couldn’t quite grasp what was so different about her because she had the same deep eyes, the same hair woven into an intricate bun, held with the same pearls that centred the roses. A simple pearl necklace wrapped around our necks; my daily pendant was safely put away in the chest of drawers behind me, since I was told it clutters the ‘image’ I was going for. Hesitantly, I looked at the strange looking woman’s face and the penny dropped. It was me, hidden behind a mask of makeup. I was never fond of the stuff, opting to be the most transparent version of me possible. It was the reason that Prince Seonghwa chose me to be his wife.
I was from a well-enough family with a good upbringing and a very good education. If fact, Seonghwa and I had gone to the same college and university. He was a year older than me and I didn’t know him very well in college. Then they decided to let me into university a year early due to the quick advancements of my studies, meaning I saw a lot of him. He was initially struck at how loud and outspoken I was, probably because the first time we had both met was when I was debating. It was about the way the country was ruled and he was watching. He kept his prince title very hidden and when he approached me after the discussion to say how good I was, I brushed it off and said it was something I was passionate about. After that encounter I started to notice him, sat behind me near a window in Foundations of International Relations class, poring over library books as I returned stacks upon stacks on Bomulian history or even just passing each other across campus. He didn’t speak to me properly at all for several months, until he asked me to help him with a Comparative Politics project. Professor Kang wasn’t very nice in the way he allocated the partnering: he said that the class that came first on the rota would all be given the project and they would have to find someone from the second class to work with it on. He said it was something about getting to know your cohort, which I thought was fine but the idea was carried out very poorly. I didn’t actually know anybody from the first class and because I was from the second class it meant I had to wait on someone. I was losing hope and was slightly concerned at one point so I thought I’d wait another day then ask Professor Kang about who’s left and take matters into my own hands. On that same day, around lunchtime, Seonghwa tapped me on the shoulder. I turned and was very confused.
“Maya, right?” I turned to the voice.
“Oh hey, Seonghwa.” I said and tapped the seat next to me so we wouldn’t have the entire conversation with him awkwardly hunched over by body. He sat down, a little flush creeping on his cheeks.
“I heard you didn’t have a partner for the Comparative Politics project” I sighed visibly.
“Yes, I find it quite frustrating that I had to wait for someone to pick me, I had so many ideas about how to do this but I don’t want to do the project all on my own for someone to take credit for it all.”
“Ah yes, I have heard that’s quite common in group projects. Well, I’ll cut right to the chase. Would you like to be my partner?”
“Sure I guess.”
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
I walked down the grand staircase, a broad man in uniform announcing everybody of my presence. It was quite a feeling to have so many heads turned my way. I had been to a couple events with my parents but at that time I was one of the wallflowers, a ‘number’ to make the affair seem that much grander. As I walked down, I took care in holding the railing of the stairs and watched the front of my skirt to make sure I didn’t trip up. This was the first event to follow the royal engagement, the first event I’d walked down the stairs not as Seonghwa’s beau but as his fiancée. I’d made it down the stairs and then saw him. He was certainly royalty, with his large eyes, the tall bridge of his nose, lips that were shaped to perfection. He was wearing an all-white suit that looked incredible, with a rose in his lapel the exact same as the ones in my hair and on my skirt. As I came to reach him, I noticed the white was the same shade as the bodice. I made a note to myself to find the dressmaker at some point just to say: “Fair play.”
Seonghwa’s face broke into a smile “You look absolutely gorgeous, dear”. I resisted the urge to crinkle my nose at the nickname. It was something Seonghwa had accommodated to recently, calling me ‘dear’, ‘darling’ and occasionally ‘honey’. Something about the nicknames made the whole endeavour seem so real. I must admit, I did like it when he called me ‘honey’, made our relationship feel so domestic, but when I told him that one day when we were walking through the gardens, he rarely said it from then on. Maybe he wanted to save it for when we were actually newlyweds, to keep the romance alive. Maybe me responding to it in a positive way rather than acknowledging it with shy nods was making him feel nervous. Either way, I brushed the nicknames off, as they were minute in the grand scheme of things, not to mention he seemed to enjoy calling me them. I took his arm and we walked through the Hall bustling with people.
There were certainly more people here that there were at the engagement. I had asked for a quieter event as I knew the wedding was going to be grand, no questions asked. The royal family were accommodating and were very sweet. They even asked me if I wanted to attend the event that was on today. Some friends of the King wanted to congratulate us and put some money together. I took the Queen’s hand hesitantly and said I’d be more than happy to be by my future husband’s side. She smiled and as I excused myself from the dining room, I heard the queen say in a hushed whisper “You picked a good one, son.” I don’t think she knows I heard it but I appreciate the sentiment all the same. It was an odd feeling having the Prince of Bomulia love me. I really enjoyed talking to him, or more like me listening to him talk. He felt very comfortable around me and he would tell me everything. He had a habit of sneaking into my room, talking with me till the early hours of the morning and I would fall asleep to the sound of his voice. I always thought he’d stay but by morning I was the only one in my bed. It felt lonely without his touch. With the lead-up to this Ball, the castle had visitors staying and so our late-night visits were less frequent. I found myself staring at my ceiling, willing myself to sleep and stop thinking about the emptiness within me. Most of the time I had no idea what he was talking about, but I was nice to see him so animated, waving his hands frantically in explanation, lying next to me, our shoulders touching.
Seonghwa noticed me spacing out and lowered the arm that I was holding, causing my gloved hand to fall into his, fitting perfectly. He gave my hand a tentative squeeze and I turned to face him. He truly was perfection, and sometimes I wondered if I was worthy for him. Even without the Prince title, at university he was extremely popular with the ladies, for being the quiet, sweet, handsome man. Seonghwa then led me over to a table of people who were sat sipping some expensive wine. He bowed slightly at the eldest man and I followed with a curtsy. I felt the weight of my dress as I tried to get up but briefly stumbled. Seonghwa caught me as I looked into his eyes with the fear of falling over and completely embarrassing him. The face he had looking back at me was shocking. It was raw, genuine and send a sharp spark through my entire body.
“Save the lovey looks for the bedroom, Seonghwa” We both turned to the old man, who laughed lightly. I finally lifted myself upright, Seonghwa’s arms not leaving me. The slight pressure he exerted wrapping his arm around my waist was grounding. My head didn’t feel right and he could tell. Seonghwa laughed with no humour but everyone at the table seemed to believe them.
“Uncle, I’ll try but Maya seems to be struggling in the dress. I have to say she looks ravishing; don’t you think?”
There was a chorus of agreement from the table and I smiled bashfully, attempting to hide. Seonghwa looked at me, noticed my discomfort and bid his uncle goodbye. He guided me securely to the ballroom floor, where people had already started dancing. The band had noticed us entering the dance floor and brought the song to an end, making the voiced lower into a calm hush. Seonghwa whispered in my ear to wait where I was. I shivered a bit at the proximity, feeling uncomfortable. Then he left me to move to the middle of the room. The whole room when quiet, as Seonghwa addressed the hall.
“I want to welcome all the guests who have come to celebrate my engagement with the beautiful future princess of Bomulia. I would like to thank individually my uncles, the Lords of Haegim, Sanseo, and Jugwang for this beautiful party. And I would like to formally introduce my fiancée,” He gestured towards me, arm outstretched. “Come over, my darling.”
Now this felt different. Every head turned to really have a look at me. I hope I wasn’t slouching. I slowly made my way towards Seonghwa. I focused on him, the nerves catching up with me. I reached his arms and looked into his eyes. Then the slow, sensual drawing of a violin bow pierced the silence, following with the rest of the string quartet. He took my hand, placed his other lightly on the side of my waist, a little higher than what was deemed proper. I wasn’t comfortable with any sort of touch on my hips and Seonghwa noticed this very early on in my courting; he then opted to not touching me unless I touched him first by holding his arm. I got better at his skinship, allowing him to eventually wrap his arm around my back, his hand ghosting the base on my ribcage whenever we needed to seem engaged to the public. I found out that Seonghwa loved hands, he liked to fiddle with mine, liked the way the way the back of our hands brush when we talk in the night. One night I took his hand spontaneously. I just wanted to see if I could spark any sort of feeling within me, because I had felt like even though Seonghwa was an amazing guy, I felt nothing towards him, no spark, no rush of heat to my cheeks. I didn’t feel anything. He shuffled a bit and I took that as a signal to release his hand, letting the back of our hands touch like we were used to. I turn towards him and even in the dimness of the room I could tell he was flushed. I continued the conversation like nothing happened but something in me questioned why I even said yes.
We glided gracefully across the dance floor, my head a little lightheaded but Seonghwa’s hand making sure I didn’t drift off or collapse. We switched at some point where both Seonghwa’s hand were on my waist and I delicately draped my hands over his shoulders. He turned his head slightly; we were very close together but I felt nothing. His breath fanned the nape of my bare neck but it was comforting, not like it was about to light me on fire.
“You okay? You seem to be a little on edge?”
“Oh, it’s nothing really, I’m just very nervous about what impression I’m making on all the people here. They really mean a lot to you and I can see that”
His hand twitched slightly.
“You’re doing perfectly dear,” There it was again. The nickname. “Lots of people have said that I’ve picked a great person to be a princess but truth to be told I don’t want a princess, I wanted a wife”
I pulled away slightly, my mouth forming a small O. Here was Seonghwa, looking at me like I hung the moon for him. His arms around me felt so inviting and comfortable that I leaned in once more, thinking about the way the word ‘wife’ left a sour taste in my mouth. Did I want to be a wife now? It felt too soon. Seonghwa was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t know if I loved him or just liked him, the way schoolgirls ‘fell in love’.
My head felt fuzzy with the rush of thoughts so I whispered in Seonghwa’s ear.
“Will you be ok if I excuse myself? I’m just feeling a little lightheaded”
He mumbled against the skin of my ear, twirling me around “Are you ok? Is it too warm in here, I can get them to open some of the balcony doors or something?”
“Don’t be silly Seonghwa, there are a number of women I’ve noticed with their arms free and they would freeze. I’ll just grab something to drink, sit on the private balcony and come down once I’m feeling better. That is if you’re ok with it?”
“Would you like me to come? We could talk if you’d like.”
I smiled. As much as I wanted the time to clear my thoughts as well as cool down, I would never turn down a chance to talk to Seonghwa.
“Sure, I’d like that.”
We walked through the crowd heading upstairs, Seonghwa making me hold onto his arm to which I obliged.
“Your hands are so warm, let’s get you up right away.”
“Excuse me, Your Highness.”
We stopped halfway up the stairs. The Royal Chamberlain walked up to us very quickly.
“Your Highness, may I ask where you are heading?”
“My fiancée is not feeling very well at the moment and I wanted to just make sure she could get some fresh air and something to cool her down, I believe the heat of the room and the number of guests is making her feel quite faint.”
“May we can perhaps cool the hall by opening up some of the balconies?”
I spoke up. “I know there are some rules regarding the opening of balconies as a health and safety issue and I wouldn’t want to put guests in unnecessary danger.”
The Chamberlain flicked to look at me as if he didn’t notice my presence the entire time. Typical. He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes; he almost looked like he was grimacing. “Well is there any way that we can help you with your faintness that doesn’t result in you and the Prince leaving the party?”
“Excuse me?” Seonghwa exclaimed “Why is us leaving of your concern? We will be returning once Maya is feeling better.”
“But, Your Highness, it is your party and once guests notice that you are gone, especially together… all I am going to say Your Highness is,” He moved closer to us, lowering his voice “I do not want your reputation tarnished and there are individuals in this Hall that can make that happen.”
“I beg your pardon!” Seonghwa was annoyed. Really annoyed. This was his pride and dignity completely shattered by one of the people he worked closely with. “This is my wif- this is my fiancée and I am a respectable man. She knows that I would never think to make an advancement on her like that and she wouldn’t ever try to harm my reputation. We are to be married in 2 months, for heaven’s sake, do you really think I have no self-constraint?”
“Your Highness, please, you’re misunderstanding my tone” The royal Chamberlain tried to calm Seonghwa down but it was no use, there were people who were close by already looking. Thankfully not everyone was or there would be consequences.
“How about I head up on my own, Your Grace” Seonghwa looked at me incredulously. I whispered in his ear “I will take no more than half an hour, plus you can walk me there and you can just say that I was recovering. You have to be the host here”
“But darling, I want you to be by my side, whether that be down here in the Hall or up in the private balcony.”
“I don’t want your reputation to be tarnished because of a silly rumour. I’ll be back before you know it. By your side like a- like a princess should be”
He sighed, clearly frustrated by the situation but there were onlookers and he had to be professional above all. He was a face of the nation, after all.
“I’ll walk you to the balcony and promptly come back to the party” He looked pointedly at the Chamberlain. Before the Chamberlain could say anything, he nudged me to continue walking up the stairs and I followed. Luckily we weren’t stopped so I guess we were ok to think that it was fine. We got to the private chambers and he pulled me slightly to the side, leaning himself against the wall. There was no one here.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? I know how to handle the gossipers.”
“Seonghwa, I am not jeopardizing your life over something that isn’t that big.”
“Ugh, I love the way you say my name.” He pulled my head towards him and he brushed his lips on mine. I was shocked. We had kissed before, but when we had they were staged. This was the first genuine one I had with him and it felt…nice. And that’s it. There were no sparks, no firework moments. I tried to deepen it to see if I could somehow conjure up some sparks within me but he pulled away sheepishly. It felt cold without him so close. He walked along the corridor to the door, took a left where a guard was stationed and spoke to him. I walked towards him when he beckoned me over.
“I’ve got to go. I asked Officer Choi to be called to guard you, Officer Kim will be positioned elsewhere. I wanted someone I could trust and since I trust him with your life anyway, I figured he’d be the best man for the job.”
Officer Kim bowed to Seonghwa and took his leave. A man with broad shouldered opened the door and walked towards us. The name of the officer approaching us almost left my mouth.
‘San’
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Officer San Choi. He was one of the first people I met as he was assigned to guard me. We didn’t speak for the most part of a month but I felt uncomfortable with a random stranger stationed outside the room I slept in. One night I was walking back from the kitchens, unsuccessful in finding any snacks. I was hungry and Seonghwa had just left my room. I didn’t want to trouble Seonghwa with such a trivial need while he was dealing with the consequences of a rebel attack that was centred at the Town Hall. He just wanted someone to listen to him and it made me feel good that I was the one he trusted to confide it. When he came into my room initially, his hair was mussed from pulling it. I quickly put a stop to it, clasping his hands firmly.
“Stop, Your Grace, your hair is much too pretty to be treated like that”
“Oh, Maya, there’s no need for the formalities in here. In this space, I’m just Seonghwa, the guy you went to university with.”
“Give yourself some more credit, Seonghwa. You were adorned on campus, you had girls swooning over you every hour of the day.”
“Wait, really?” He rested his head in my lap, a habit he acquired since he found out I like to fiddle with my cousin’s hair in this way. I immediately started untangling tresses of hair, threading my fingers through the thick locks. He sighed in content and he looked at me through his thick eyelashes. “Tell me more of this swooning.”
“Come on, Seonghwa, don’t say you didn’t notice the fact that girls would sit on the neighbouring table to you at lunch, how they’d specifically fight to sit on the table in front of you in the library. I still have the texts from girls I’ve never spoken to trying to get me to ‘put good word in for them’ while we were working on that project. It’s actually when I found out about your…royal nature”
He laughed at my choice of words. “So you thought I was a random good-looking guy with no titles or anything?”
“Well, yeah. I knew there was a Prince in our year but the university is a big place and I ruled out the chance of me meeting him pretty quickly”
“That explains why you spoke to me with such an unimpressed tone the first time we met. I thought everyone knew I was the Prince which is why they wanted to be friends with me or to get them to fall in love with me.”
“In my defence, I was very dedicated with my studies and really wanted to make a difference in the world – I still do, as a matter of fact. You were just a random admirer at the time who wasn’t important in the grand scheme of things.”
He held his heart in feigned hurt “I am important!”
“Well now you are, I didn’t know you existed before!”
He looked at the time on the clock and sighed, standing up and leaving me feeling numb.
“As much as I love spending time taking about your life before knowing of my marvellous existence, I need to sleep because I am going to visit one of my father’s friends, the King of Vladivostok, tomorrow and we’re leaving very early.” He kissed my hand, a gentlemanly gesture that I had become accustomed to. When he pulled away I shivered.
“Goodnight, Your Grace” he gave me a small wave and left the room. I waited until I didn’t hear scuffling outside my room and then put on the slippers at the side of my bed. I slipped on the nightgown hung behind my door and left the room, heading down towards the kitchens. I didn’t find anything to snack on when I got down there, just a standard assortment of ingredients that needed to be prepared or cooked. I couldn’t afford to wake the entire castle up trying to make myself some scrambled eggs.
I walked back in defeat before somebody caught me by the shoulders and spun me so that I was against a wall hidden from the main corridor, the person trapping me there. I looked the person in the eye. It was the guard who was normally stationed outside my door. Truth to be told I’d never really looked at him properly before and I wondered to myself why I hadn’t done so. This man was nothing short of handsome: the curve of his cheeks and jaw, the delicate slant of his eyes that gave a nod to a feline appearance, every feature was so well composed.
“’Scuse me, princess, but I am going to have to ask you why you are out of your room unaccompanied at this late hour?”
“I’m not a princess yet, officer-” I huffed
“Choi. San Choi. But that doesn’t matter, princess,” He face formed a minute smile, creating slight indentations on the sides of his face that I assumed would deepen more when his smile grew. “Regardless of if you were a random young lady on the street, I’d still call you princess; the nickname’s quite fitting for yourself. Now, would you like to answer my question, princess?”
“I was hungry”
“Didn’t you have the Prince in your room just now? Why didn’t you just ask him to accompany you to get something to eat? I wouldn’t have to be here right now if you did.”
“Well, Seonghwa” The officer gasped at my lack of manners towards my fiancé. I gulped. “Sorry, His Grace had a lot of work to do tomorrow and I didn’t want to trouble him”
“Already on first name basis with the Prince, are you, princess?” He winked. I wanted to rip his eyeballs out because he thought he could be so smug with me.
“Quit calling me that. Have you inspected my face enough or can you let go of my hand so I can go to sleep now?”
He blushed. Like a lot. It was quite a sight to see someone stood in front of me going completely red in the face, like they’d run a marathon wearing 5 layers of clothing. He coughed.
“But you haven’t eaten anything, princess, and that would mean your quest was fruitless.” I giggled at his choice of wording before he realised he’d cracked a joke. “Pun not intended, apologies”
“Oh it was well timed, officer, I have to give you that. And is there any possible way you could make my quest a bit more fruitful?”
There was a glint of mischief in the man’s eye, like he had an amazing idea.
“As a matter of fact, they may be.”
He kept hold of my hand. If fact, he gripped it tighter and my face heated up. We walked through the hallway silently, which led down to a series of steps I didn’t recognise. The pathway was dark and secluded. It ended up at a kitchen, a lot smaller than the one I visited but better stocked.
“Welcome to the staff kitchen. It’s a lot smaller than the main kitchen’s but unlike the main ones, we don’t have a store cupboard to keep all the food in so we leave it here. A lot easier to have a cheeky midnight snack.”
“So what’s there to eat?” I rummage through the cupboards, finding little snacking items in some like crisps and biscuits. An entire cupboard seemed to encase different varieties of teas. It seemed that the Earl Grey was popular, with two lone teabags sitting at the bottom of the jar. I wasn’t much of a tea drinker, or a coffee drinker for that matter. I just drank small sips of tea out of politeness whenever it was brought into the parlour and there were guests. Seonghwa was an avid tea drinker, and didn’t like to waste, so he would have my cup of tea after the guests would leave. It was always very sweet of him and I’d whisper into his ear that he didn’t have to, it was literally lukewarm tea. He always said it was no trouble with a small smile.
“Judging by the way you’re staring daggers at the tea cupboard I won’t suggest tea and biscuits.” I wrinkled my nose in disgust and turned away to another cupboard, housing pods that presumably held coffee granules in them and a huge machine. I didn’t realise that the Officer San was looking at me like I was an adorable puppy as I found a cupboard in the corner of the kitchen that had fruits inside. I turned around and looked at him incredulously.
“Who puts fruits inside a cupboard, they’re more likely to rot there. At least put them in the fridge or in the case of the bananas leave them out!”
San chuckled at my motherly clucking.
“Well most of the bananas are unripe so they stay there. As for other fruit, most of it does actually live in the fridge but some like apples and pears are left on a shelf above the bananas as they encourage ripening. Lot of the staff have fruit daily so it doesn’t make sense to lose fridge storage over it” He suddenly clicked his fingers, as if he had an idea. “Wait, are you a fan of sweet things?”
“Yes” I murmured cautiously.
“And you don’t mind either bananas or ice cream?”
“Well not necessarily but…”
“Good. I know what I can make for you, princess. Just park yourself here out of the way” He spun me around, hands lightly on my waist. To avoid tripping over, I gripped his shoulders. There was that grin on his face again. Giddy. It made my insides light on fire. I turned around to check if the door was actually shut and to my relief it was. San noticed my gaze.
“Oh, no servant is actually going to be up to come in here. They value their allocated sleep time quite a bit and well those on duty can’t exactly dip in to grab something for a break. I have special access to the kitchen at night”
“How?”
He stopped spinning me and then gathered sugar, some other powder I couldn’t identify and some bananas that had just turned yellow. He began to chop them into thick pennies. I decided to prop myself onto the worktop behind me and sat down, swinging my legs slightly.
“My mother’s the Head Chef. She manages all the keys to the kitchens, not to mention all the storerooms. It’s a good thing you bumped into me of all people. If you had taken Prince Seonghwa down, he would’ve had to wake my mum up, and well she doesn’t like to be disturbed when sleeping. Not that she would ever show that to-”
“Do you ever stop talking?”
He smiled once again and I figured out why it looked so familiar. It was like the Cheshire cat’s smile, large and slightly eerie.
“Just making small talk, princess.”
The kitchen began to fill with a wonderful smell, like molten sugar. There was a faint sizzling noise to be heard and San thankfully stayed quiet. I looked around the kitchen. It reminded me of my family home, where my mother would spend her time cooking. Dad would come home, notice his wife was in the kitchen, and attack her with an embrace from behind. Mum was always shocked but when she turned around, I couldn’t describe the look in her eyes when she realised it was Dad. There was something so domestic about the gesture that whenever I was in the kitchen, it made me smile. San switched the gas off, spooned the bananas into a bowl and headed into the other side of the room, where there was a small fridge-freezer. He got out some vanilla soft scoop ice cream, got a scooping spoon out from the draw next to the sink and dolloped a generous helping on top. He then grabbed a dessert spoon and held out the bowl which I took. It was warm at the bottom and it looked awfully delicious. My stomach rumbled, causing San to chuckle under his breath. I then took a spoonful.
“Wait.” San exclaimed.
I stopped, spoon mid-air. He then took both the bowl and spoon from my grasp as I tried my best not to pout. He then dumped whatever I had taken, and took another spoonful, He held it out towards my mouth, the bowl underneath to catch anything that fell.
“Why are you trying to feed me, I am not a child.” I hissed, still unsure it the door was magically going to open on this extremely scandalous scene.
“Well you took a spoonful of ice cream, there was no fritter in that bite whatsoever! I’m trying to give you the ultimate bite here, princess. Open wide.”
“I can feed myself.” I went to grab the bowl and spoon but San held it out of reach, a gleeful, mischievous smile on his face. I huffed and then opened my mouth marginally. He then tentatively placed the spoonful in my mouth and I felt like my tongue was burning. My eyes widened in panic and San seemed to notice. He set the bowl and spoon down.
“Christ, uh, swirl the food around in your mouth a bit. You may have just got a bit of the hot fritter on your tongue.” He hopped off the counter and grabbed me a glass of water. Meanwhile, I took his advice and moved the food round a bit. It was like opposing temperatures in my mouth but my moving the morsels around, bits of ice cream were cooling my tongue in an instance. I started to chew and the temperature difference wasn’t so jarring to my mouth anymore. I waved the glass of water away that San had brought, so he set it down on the counter in front of us. I swallowed it and grinned. It was sweet and hot and cold and really nice. I’d never had anything like it. San sat back down next to me on the counter, expectant.
“Oh, that’s good, Officer,” I looked at him. “What do you call it?”
“Call me San, please. And it’s just called banana fritters and ice cream.”
“San’s Fritters and Ice Cream. Sounds divine and tastes it too”
“Thanks.” He grabbed hold of the bowl before I could once again. I admitted defeat as he meticulously gave me spoons with the correct ratio of banana and ice cream. I kept looking around as San repeatedly assured you that no one was going to come and I finally let him feed me, down to the last morsel.
He then hopped off to wash the bowl and frying pan up. I drank some water and then hopped off the counter myself, moving to dry the dishes.
“Don’t be silly, princess, I’ll clean up the rest of this and then I’ll escort you to your room.”
“No, at least let me do something I’ll feel bad”
“But you’re the soon-to-be princess of Bomulia, I can’t let you be helping a lowlife like me. It’s literally my job to-”
I pulled his arm, causing the frying pan to fall back into the sink with a clatter. I felt like I had been jump-started with adrenaline at the loud sound and realised San had pushed me back slightly to avoid any water splashes. His hand was wrapped around my waist. I looked him in the eye.
“I was a lowlife like you until the Prince took a fancy to me.” That caused San to pull his hand away, releasing me. “If anything I will always be a lowlife. I can help you, San” he eyes glinted a little at the mention of his name. I grabbed the wet cloth from the side of the draining board before he could argue and started to clean the cooker. I made long vertical stripes over the surface. San was drying the dishes and putting them back where they were supposed to go then realised what I was doing. I was working on a small stain when I felt him press up against me.
“You’re doing it all wrong, circular motions are going to get that out a lot easier.” He placed a hand on top of mine and scrubbed the stain away using small circular motions and seemed to focus the pressure onto one place. Yet the only thing I could focus on at the time was the fact that San essentially was giving me a back hug. It felt warm and so very wrong but I couldn’t stop my heart from beating any faster. Maybe he noticed. He finally got the stain to shift as he moved away. I glanced once again at the door and to my relief it was still closed.
San walked me back in silence after that, the both of us too nervous to speak in case we said something stupid or if we got caught. He gave me a little wave goodnight and I closed the door. I then stripped off the nightgown, crawled under the covers, and accepted the fact I wasn’t going to fall asleep anytime soon because of the white-hot adrenaline coursing through my veins.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
San and I would sneak out for late night snacks quite often. I don’t know why I did it, in all fairness. Perhaps it was to feel that rush that only San brought me. I couldn’t quite place my finger on it. As the engagement party grew nearer, the rush would be laced with a hint of dread, so I stopped suggesting sneaking out to eat with San. He noticed and then started a very peculiar thing. I woke up one morning, about 2 week before the party, to find a prettily tied up bunch of shortbread biscuits. Only 2 people knew I had a thing for shortbread: Seonghwa and San. But the note is what gave everything away. It was a bit of poetry, A line, not even a line, a fragment of a line: ‘to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach’. It was Browning, Elizabeth Browning. Even though the work of Robert and Elizabeth Browning was kept quite separate in terms of their accolades, there was only one person I knew that regarded them and the ‘best poetry power couple known to Man’. I took the shortbread hesitantly and went to the privacy of my room now before I caught the gaze of the person who had given it. He stood in his uniform, all proper, stationed outside my door. When our eyes met, he cracked the same Cheshire cat smile, dimples peeking out. I closed the door after giving a quick smile, feeling winded for some reason. I ate the shortbread shortly after and it was as buttery as San had promised.
These little gifts became a frequent thing, first starting out as extracts from various poems written by either browning. Then it became little notes from San himself, saying how he missed me, how he would once look forward to cooking in the dead of night. I burned the notes, fearful that someone would come across them. The things that would be written were beautiful, just like you would expect from a man who appreciated poetry. But I couldn’t deal with the growing feeling of butterflies in my stomach. I didn’t burn the first note and one night, while Seonghwa was in my room, he found it, worn from the constant folding and unfolding I had done.
“You like poetry Maya?”
I felt my blood spike.
“Yeah, my mother used to read some to put me to sleep when I was young. It would give me pretty dreams where a handsome man would tell me he loved me in the most elaborate of ways.” Seonghwa abruptly left the room and I was worried that I had been caught, that he knew about San’s tendency to talk about poetry and connect the dots. But he came back with an old woven book in his hand and sat down, gesturing for me to lie down. I laid down on his lap, finding the arrangement odd since it was always Seonghwa that lied on my lap. He took a hand to fiddle with my hair, softly detangling the locks in repetition. The movement washed over me like a soothing stream.
He then opened the book and began to read. It was an epic from native Bomulian history, one that we were taught about in school. I never thought much about the poem beforehand, since I was a simpleminded student whose prospects led further than a love epic. But now, in the dead of night, I felt the words come to life in my mind, the soldier that went to the war, the wife he’d left behind at home, how she almost wavered in separation from him but ultimately realised her mistake and went back to her soulmate. The dark underline of the epic was that the soldier never knew about the affair the wife had had, and it stayed that way because their love was so strong that the affair was almost trivial. It was the slow, calming voice that Seonghwa read it in that caused my eyes to droop, about the moment when the soldier finally came home. I was half asleep though, and lines would float around in my mind, some dissipating immediately, others lingering. Seonghwa realised I’d fallen asleep and closed the book. He lifted my head so he could slip out from underneath me and lay my head on the pillow. I felt him leave, like someone opening a window on a winter day to a room that had been warmed: the heat left me before I could do anything about it. I wanted to reach out for him, in the sleepy haze, but my arms felt like lead so I just laid there. Then Seonghwa pressed his lips to the side of my temple and mumbled against my skin:
“I hope you dream of me tonight, my beautiful wife”
The cold had completely taken over.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
I sat on the balcony with a glass of water. I’ve had about half of it before I set it off to the side. I peeked to see if I am accompanied and San is still positioned there. Great. I walk over to the neighbouring garden, which I know isn’t in direct vision of San but I can still see him. I look at how much he’d changed. His shoulders had filled out and he grown his hair out into a messy wolf cut kind of vibe. I had to say it really suited him, made his face look more angular. He was handsome, I thought. Not handsome in the way Seonghwa was, who sort of emitted a heavenly glow, but handsome in a rugged sense. He then turned to look at my previous spot and found it unoccupied and I ducked, heart beating incredibly fast. I felt like a child playing hide and seek and it was bringing all that adrenaline back. San tried looking for me through the glass and I stifled a laugh. He then entered the garden looking and I moved around. I got such a rush from being mischievous, something I hadn’t felt in so long. Plus the concerned face that San had was so priceless. I got so distracted at running around that I missed my footing and tripped. I yelped before I could stop myself and San’s head turned to the direction of the noise. The weight of the dress was too much and I’m sort of glad that I fell here than in front of the hundreds of people currently downstairs. San had finally found me, the bottom of my dress a little damp, my right elbow and the underside of my forearm grazed and bleeding. San’s eyes had widened.
“Oh Christ, Maya, are you okay?”
He immediately leaned forward to haul me up and I held onto the side of his waist for support. He was awfully slim in the waist and have very broad shoulders but I could feel the sturdiness of muscle under all the fabric on my uniform. I glanced around anxiously but there was no one there. He helped me to a nearby bench before crouching down to examine the damage. It wasn’t that bad of a graze but I think the blood scared San a little bit. I looked at him.
“It’s not that bad, Officer, truly”
“For the last time, princess, San is fine. I like you calling me by my name in fact”
I clutched my arm “But Officer fits you so much better. Now will you excuse me so I can tend to my wound?”
He gave an exasperated sigh “We haven’t talked in weeks, princess. This is how you treat my hospitality?”
“No it’s not that I appreciated the gifts and the poetry it was really sweet its just that-” I suddenly noticed a drop of blood that was about to fall on the fabric of my skirt so I broke off my sentence to hold my arm out.
“Hold that thought.” He walked away from me as I tried to stop any blood from dropping on the beautiful dress. Sure I wouldn’t probably use it again, given the fact that it was only custom made for this occasion but it was a beautiful number nonetheless. In fact, who’s going to remember the dress I wore today anyway? It felt like it had just dawned on me that the party I had missed was for me and Seonghwa about to get married. The thought was so scary.
San had returned with tissues and placed them onto the open wound. I winced a little since he put them on with a bit of force.
“Easy there, princess. The pressure should stop the bleeding but I ought to get some rubbing alcohol to make sure it doesn’t get infected. Are you okay otherwise?” He spoke as he held my hand. His hand felt so warm and calloused. A blush rose to my cheeks as I turned around once again to see it anyone was coming. I looked back to see San looking at me with the softest expression. I averted my gaze, willing my face to stop heating up.
“Yeah, I’m good San. Thanks for helping me”
He looked conflicted while looking at my hand for a while then shook his head and got up, going to grab the rubbing alcohol.
I sat applying pressure to the graze. It didn’t hurt as much; it was just a faint throb. I wiped my arm absentmindedly, examining the graze to see if any dirt or stones had gone in. It didn’t look like it which was a small relief.
“Maya!”
I turned to see who had called my name because it sounded like Seonghwa. It was Seonghwa, running up towards me looking pristine. Here I was on a covert bench in the middle of a garden, probably looking haggled. He knelt down in front of me like San had just seconds ago.
“Oh honey, what happened?”
Warmth rushed within me as he clasped my hands gently. Something about him being here made me feel warm, not like my face was on fire but just comfortable.
“I just fell, it was inevitable, I felt like I was going to fall in this dress at some point. I’m kinda glad I fell here and not in from of everyone in the ballroom, this dress is a lot heavier than it looks”
Seonghwa laughed. “I would’ve fallen with you, who cares what the others say. I want to be by your side and if that means tripping to lie with you on the floor while hundreds watch then so be it”
I smiled at Seonghwa.
“That’s really sweet of you but you are a prince. And I should learn how to be more graceful. It’s fine honestly. I’m just going to get this cleaned up and I’ll be down with you.”
“No, you shouldn’t have to go down in your state, I don’t need people asking questions.”
“I’m fine, Seonghwa, really. Let’s head down.”
“Maya, I’m back. Sorry for taking so long they had the alcohol locked-” San entered the clearing to find Seonghwa and I talking. Oh boy. I could feel my pulse everywhere and didn’t dare to breathe. The one time he called me by my name and now he had me feeling like an ice shard had pierced my heart. Nope, that was because Seonghwa moved away from me to stand. His expression was unreadable but I knew it wasn’t good.
“I’m sorry officer Choi, what did you address the princess as?”
I grasped Seonghwa’s hand. I watched as San eyed our hands intertwined as he clenched a fist of his own, opening it and closing it slowly. “Your Grace, please, I asked him to call me by my name because I didn’t feel comfortable with the title of Your Grace. Officer Choi was against it at first but I pleaded him. We agreed he could call me Maya until the wedding. I’m so sorry”
Seonghwa looked at me “You can’t have everybody calling you by your name, Maya, it’s a matter of respect.”
I stood up so I could whisper to him. “Seonghwa please. He found me when I fell and has graciously helped me” he let go of my hand and walked over to San. They stood face to face, eyeing each other up. Seonghwa was taller than San, but San didn’t have to crane his head to look up to him, just a slight tilt up. It was odd to see them side by side. Seonghwa with all his regal perfection. San with all his wizened strength.
“Keep my wife’s name out of your mouth”
“Your Highness, with all due respect, Her Grace isn’t your wife yet. She wasn’t comfortable with a regal title so imagine how she feels being addressed as your wife. It’s a lot for her to take in”
Seonghwa clenched his fist. I moved to grab his hand and pull him towards me.
“Seonghwa, please, let’s go, it’s not worth it”
He looked over to me and immediately his eyes softened. He then took a deep breath and turned to San.
“If you would assist Her Grace with her wounds and escort her to my private chambers that would be greatly appreciated. I do not care if it is not proper for my fiancée to be in my chambers but if anyone asks, you are acting under my orders. I will make sure that it is sorted. I just need to make sure to say goodbye to everyone and then I will meet you there. Good evening to you Officer Choi. Could I have a minute with my fiancée?”
San nodded, clearly holding a lot of frustration back. At the end of the day he had argued back to the Prince and that could affect his career very gravely. It was lucky that I had intercepted, otherwise things could’ve really gotten out of hand. I could see San looking at me, and there was a familiar glint in his eye. Seonghwa pulled me into a hug as San moved back to his allocated position.
“I’m so sorry, dear, I tend to jump to the worst conclusions. I’ll see you in my chambers and who knows, maybe an all-nighter could be arranged.” I smiled at the thought, knowing we’d just talk for hours on end until we got too tired. It would be interesting to wake up next to Seonghwa since he always left me in the night.
I nod and he left.
I sat down and San waited for Seonghwa’s signal to come over to me.
“I’m so sorry for that, the one time I call you by your name, I’m really sorry if I got you in into trouble”
I clutched his hands to break him from his reverie. He paused and looked at his hands clasped by my smaller ones. I looked down then let go, breathing heavily. He then began cleaning my graze, and I instinctively gripped his arm, squeezing it tightly to avoid wincing out loud. He stayed completely still until the would was clean. It had stopped bleeding and I refused the plaster. It was better for it to heal while being exposed to the air.
San then sat down next to me.
“Well, we should-”
“Be honest with me princess. Do you want to go through with this marriage?”
I sat and thought for a while.
“I-I-It’s just is all so sudden and-” I cut myself off before I said what was on my mind. And I like Seonghwa but I don’t know if I love him. There was no way I was admitting that out loud.
“It’s fine we don’t have to talk about it princess. Just know that I’m here for you, whatever happens.”
I smiled at him.
“It’s fine, that's not the issue. It’s just that the party made everything seem real. I just feel hyperaware of the situation.”
“The party, was it nice?”
“Yeah, the place looked beautiful and everyone seemed like they were enjoying themselves.”
“Truth to be told, I’ve only attended one party like even as a guest once. It was my ‘graduation’ of a sort” He said, air quoting the graduation with his fingers. “We had to learn how to ballroom dance for it, but I’ve never been able to dance like that again”
“We could do it now.” I’ve always thought there was something magical about dancing and it’s the least I could do, giving some of that magic to San. He made noises of protest but I got up, pulling on his arm until he gave in, fighting a smile on his face. We walked hand in hand to a clearing that was flat and not easily seen through any of the windows. He placed a hand on my waist, his pinkie grazing the top of my hip, making adrenaline course through me once again. I put a hand on his shoulder and marvelled at how small it looked. He held hand and began. There was no music but there was no need. We swayed gently and it was beautiful. San looked down to me as I looked at his features. His eyes watched mine as he glided very smoothly. It was hard to believe he was a first timer. Seonghwa had years of skill, sure, but there was a unique fluidity in San’s movements. I smiled but almost froze as I heard a rustle of leaves. I glanced in the direction of the noise but there was nothing there. I sighed. San then slowed down his pace.
“There’s something I have to tell you”
He guided me to a very secluded spot, one that I didn’t know of. He then pulled me close.
“I can’t help but feel like the first encounter we had was truly magical. I never thought I believed in…sorry I can’t seem to find the correct words”
“It’s ok, you’re doing great.” I urged him to speak.
“I think I am in love with you”
I froze.
“You are pretty yes but you have such an amazing personality and to put it simply I wish everyday to spend every second with you. No one reacts to Browning the way you do. No one enjoys my food the way you do, so much that I stopped cooking for anyone else but you. No one has made me feel like I want to share every living moment with them but you. I had to say it at some point. I love you, Maya.”
I was still frozen, shocked. This was such an odd feeling. I didn’t know what to say. San took me close before I could say anymore and kissed me. It was a dizzying kiss, as I felt like my head was spinning like a top. His callused hands gripped my face and gee smelt faintly like cold metal and night time. It felt so...cold. I felt like I was plunged into a pool filled with ice, drowning, slipping away. I gasped as San moved to kiss my jaw, tracing it down from my ear. It felt so nice to be loved that I let go of all conscious thought, tried to ignore the shivers I felt and said whatever came to mind.
“Seonghwa, oh yes”
San pulled away. I belatedly realised who’s name I called out.
“Maya?” I called for Seonghwa. Seonghwa.
“I’m.. I’m sorry San. I can’t do this.” I stepped away to give myself some room. San moved closer, his eyes looking feverish and slightly insane.
“But you don’t love him, I see it in your eyes, you have the capability to love me, all you need is time that’s all.”
“No, San, I can’t. You know who’s name I called out just now. I’m so very sorry San,” A tear slipped down my face followed by many more until I was crying in the ugliest way possible. “I don’t see you as nothing more than a friend that helped me through this crazy part of my life. I wish I could give you want you want, San.”
“Please, Maya” San's voice cracked and I couldn’t look at him.
“I’m sorry”
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Seonghwa couldn’t get the thought of Officer Choi and Maya out of his head. He went down to the Hall, his mind occupied. Absentmindedly, he thanked guests for attending and reassured them that the Princess was fine. He didn’t actually know if she was fine. She seemed fine. But a small voice in Seonghwa's head kept nagging as the fact that there was a sense of familiarity betwee the two people. Familiarity may not be the right word. Feeling unsettled, Seonghwa told the Chamberlain to inform people that he had retired to his chambers and to give thanks on his behalf. He made sure to tell his parents the same thing. His mother kissed his forehead and told him to tell Maya to get well soon for her. He smiled and kissed his mother’s hand then took his leave.
When Seonghwa made it to the garden it was empty and for a brief while, he thought he was imagining these stupid thoughts. But something, his mind, his gut, his heart, told his just to check the whole garden. He found the clearing and there the two of them were. Seonghwa only looked at Maya and Officer Choi dance. His hand was on her waist, much too low for her comfort, he noted. He heard Maya’s laughter ring like a bell. It made his heart feel tight. He couldn’t see her face but he could see Officer Choi's and it made him sick to the stomach. It was the same expression that Seonghwa wore when looking at you.
Seonghwa moved away from the bushes in a fury, causing some of the leaves to rustle. He didn’t bother to look to see if either of them saw him, all he felt was red. He tried to walk in a composed manner to the room but luckily now one stopped him to ask if anything was wrong. The gruelling etiquette lessons he took as a child paid off. He made sure the door was locked and sat down on the stool next to the piano. He leaned on the case covering the keys and it felt like the wall holding a dam was breaking under tremendous pressure. Seonghwa took shaky ragged gasps as tears slipped down his face. He picked this room to sit in in particular because his father made sure to make the room soundproof. So Seonghwa let himself shriek and wail and sob until his throat went dry. He felt the burning from his chest move to his throat, which was in agony. He didn’t know how long he had been in there but the window in the corner of the room said that the sun had set and night had fallen. Seonghwa shivered but couldn’t stop. The years had long dried and this point and his throat was sore. But he was able to whisper. And there was one thing that he wanted to say, just so that he would hear it, so it felt true.
“I loved you, Maya.”