Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I hate change,” Daisy stated, looking around the small office. She could have laughed at the notion but her face remained neutral like it always did.

Daisy sat with one leg crossed over the other, her shoulders down, and her back straighter than normal. She could feel the ache in her muscles despite making sure she sat normally like this in all her years of living. If she was being honest, Daisy almost forgot what it was like to put on this act for new people. She had been around the same ones for years, not to mention she had basically depleted herself of trying to look poised and normal for long enough that this song and dance just felt a little odd. Odd, but oddly familiar. 

But the people she had been around. That’s what made her sit in this office. All that time, all those memories, the life she built up with her person were threatening to come to an end, or it felt that way at least. So here she sat in the office of a therapist that her person had found for her.

“That’s relatively normal,” said Ruth, the older woman in glasses sitting across from her. “Change can be difficult.”

Again, Daisy could have laughed, but she was almost certain that this wasn’t the place to do such a thing. Change being only difficult for some people was something she longed for, among other things.

“But for people like me…” Daisy paused to remember how he worded it a long time ago. “It’s Arma— Amra— the Rapture? It’s like the world is ending.”

Ruth nodded and told her that they would explore that in a moment. She just wanted to get a sense of who Daisy is before diving into the problems at hand. Daisy tried, and as it turned out, who she is was deeply intertwined with the problems she had.

~

The first time Daisy Pineda remembered her entire life feeling disrupted was when she was only four years old, and her mother, Natalia, put these ruffly pink socks on her for church or some event where they all had to be dressed up. The only real thing she could remember was the ugly feeling of the fabric touching her ankles, and she screamed her head off all the way to church that Sunday. She couldn’t remember the actual session, but Daisy was certain she got in trouble for making a fuss over some socks. So she had to scratch at her ankles when no one was looking, and she did that until Natalia decided her daughter was too old for ruffly items of clothing.

Then Daisy was 7 and asking where babies came from, and her nina Gaby simply explained that they grow inside you. Daisy cried so hard she threw up her carne asada, and then Natalia had to pull her out of that dinner and make her cry even more with some choice words.

The next time was when she was 9 and she wasn’t allowed to leave the table until she ate all of the spaghetti her mom slaved over that day. The smell of the pasta hurt her head and the feeling of it in her mouth made her gag. But she had to eat it because there’s other people who don’t have the privilege of having food to eat. It was either that or no dinner, and god forbid Natalia Pineda let her only child go to bed hungry. Apparently it was really rude to deny food you don’t like.

A lot of things were rude. Too many things to name, actually.

Then Daisy was 14 and her mom was transferred to some city in Tennessee and that was just every kind of crazy. Daisy begged Natalia to stay in California, to let her go to high school with her cousins in Indio, but the job opportunity was too great to pass on. Natalia told her that she would have to make big changes like this someday as an adult, it was an example to follow. We all have to do things we don’t like, asi es la vida.

Daisy couldn’t remember not crying hysterically during the packing process, the travel, and settling into an apartment in South Knoxville. Her thighs were bruised up from how hard she punched them in the middle of her crying spells, having decided years prior that scratching her ankles didn’t help anymore. She spent her entire first year of high school completely invisible to her classmates but “a pleasure to have in class” according to her teachers. Her grades were good, though, so she was okay.

Daisy was 15 the first time PJ talked to her, they were partnered up for a project that Daisy was certain she did most of the work for. (That’s why she was so pleasant in class.)

“Why do you wear yellow all the time?”

First of all, Daisy had no idea that anyone noticed that she was always sporting that color. Although, that day she had been more subtle about it, having only yellow ribbons in the two braids that contained her wild curls. Second of all, Daisy had no idea what possessed her to look up at him (not in his eyes - never in the eyes) and respond, “Piss color.”

That wasn’t true. It was just a defense mechanism. Daisy learned in middle school (three years of hell) that if she just spoke the first thing on her mind, it made the mean girls push her down the steps in front of the school. But it made icky boys simply go away.

But neither of those things happened here. PJ actually laughed.

“You’re funny. What’s your name again?”

It went uphill from there. The smallest, shiniest light in the shithole of living in the South was in her third period US History class. Talking to PJ became somewhat normal that school year, so normal in fact that Daisy cried in the bathroom when he decided to approach her at lunch one day. That wasn’t part of the routine she had developed.

Usually, that would be when Daisy lost a potential friend before anything could start but PJ was kind about it and resumed to only talk to her during history class. That was the first time Daisy didn’t feel like she was asking for too much. It wasn’t like PJ didn’t have other friends, he was on the baseball team.

That summer, Natalia started to ask “When are you going to grow up?” in her angry Hispanic mom tone. It was usually over things like Daisy being unable to answer the phone, not having friends over, and even refusing to cut her curly hair shorter. Natalia frequently reminded her daughter that she was getting older, that she couldn’t act like this her whole life.

“It’s not like I want to be this way…” Daisy mumbled, and that was enough for Natalia to drag her to the doctor just before junior year.

And what had Daisy come down with, you may be wondering? Mood swings. PMS. Typical teenage girl things. She was fine, she just needed to relax, all girls went through this at her age.

But it wasn’t just that age that Daisy acted like this. She couldn’t remember not shaking her hands when she was happy, punching her thighs when she was sad, laying on the floor when she was numb, losing her voice when she was overwhelmed. She couldn’t remember making direct eye contact with anyone, unless her mother forced her to. She couldn’t remember any of her past friends not thinking she was strange when she started to show those parts of herself. She couldn’t remember not losing friends because of that, and that loss was why she couldn’t have a quinceañera either.

But women are more sensitive, the doctor had told her and Natalia. Just take it easy. You’ll be fine.

So Daisy went with that into her junior year of high school, even though ‘taking it easy’ was the most vague form of advice she had ever heard. Among all the changes that made her want to pull her hair out, the one thing that remained somewhat similar to the previous year was PJ in history class.

It was that year that they finally talked outside of that class. He needed help with history, and Daisy had the highest grade in the class, so there were tutoring sessions in the library after school. It left more things open for discussion, he learned that Daisy still loved watching cartoons even though she was like, too old for that. But so did he, and they talked about Looney Tunes. She learned just how much PJ enjoyed baseball, and that all of his grades needed to be up if he wanted to keep his spot on the team. She doubled down on the tutoring, making flash cards and flow charts for him. She never knew if he actually used them or not, but she had quite a time color coding each topic.

One day he just came out with, “I know you’re gonna say no, but you should come see me play…”

PJ kept his eyes on Daisy’s notebook, which he was currently doodling in. It was unusual, the lack of eye contact, because he used his whole face to look at people. Or maybe that was just a thing all people did - Daisy still wasn’t sure. But the casual invite made her hold down a joyful squeal, and look past the fact that there was now a penis drawn on the inside cover of her notes.

It was then, at the age of 16 that Daisy realized how nice it was to be invited to things even if she didn’t go, and especially if the other person knew she wouldn’t. It was nice to know she was wanted in other places, that she wasn’t just a weird kid from history class. Not to him, anyways.

(For the record, she did try to go to one of his baseball games, but the people on the bleachers were way too loud. She left after only five minutes.

PJ was happy about it regardless.)

It wasn’t until that spring that Daisy showed off more of herself to him. It was time to start thinking about college, and while PJ didn’t seem to care about that, he saw how much his quiet friend stressed over it.

“You should just skip it, I’m going to,” he suggested.

“My mom won’t like that,” Daisy replied, her hands shaking under the table they were sitting at.

“You think my folks are over the moon about my decision? They’re praying every night that I change my mind, but that’s it! They can’t make me do anyth– What are you doing?”

Daisy was rocking from side to side, confusing the boy next to her. PJ stared for a moment, dumbfounded, and then he just… mimicked the repetitive movement.

“Prom’s not til next month, D, why are we dancing now?” he asked.

Maybe Daisy was so stressed it made her delusional, but she laughed. She didn’t know why, but it made her feel good. 

“I’m not going to prom,” she replied, staring at the table top.

“Right, I know.” PJ silently rocked next to her for a moment. Then he sang quietly, “Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya wanna dance? Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya wanna dance?”

A breath came out of Daisy’s nose. She liked that song, she liked that band. She didn’t know it then, but she would spend the next decade thinking about this kid when she heard Ramones anywhere in her life.

“Are you gonna ditch prom next year too?” PJ asked after they had rocked enough. “It’ll be our last.”

Daisy shrugged. While this wasn’t the original topic of conversation, it helped clear some of the static in her head. The noise came down a little bit.

“I guess it wouldn’t be a cool high school experience if I didn’t do what everyone else did…” she said.

“Well, you don’t have to do what everyone else does,” he told her. “I just think you should try everything once. I’d take you this year, but Debbie from the cheer squad already asked.”

“I thought her name was Julie…”

PJ suddenly stilled. “Shit…”

Despite her friend’s lack of tact when it came to romance, Daisy was touched and had to keep herself from crying right there in the library. Plenty of people mimicked her strange little movements, but it was usually mean-spirited and followed by not so subtle pointing and laughing. PJ always called it “dancing” and tried to hum some obscure song to accompany the moves. The more accepting he was about her odd ways, the less shy Daisy was about doing them around him.

Even when the meanest girl in school started talking smack at lunch, PJ didn’t let up. In fact, he even stood up and told her to pick on someone her own size. That didn’t end well for him or Daisy. But Daisy would remember it for years to come.

She remembered spending time with him that summer when they were off school. PJ still tried to invite her to parties that happened in or behind an abandoned building outside of town, to which Daisy typically declined. He was okay with it, they could hang out in other places and soak in the golden rays. Daisy had learned to drive and Natalia was surprisingly nice enough to let her take her car for a drive. Something about knowing that your child is a loser with one friend is reassuring enough to know that said child won’t bring any harm to the vehicle.

PJ and D usually spent their time in the car, parked at some fast food joint, and listening to whatever cassette tapes the former brought along. Out of all the artists he had shown her, Daisy enjoyed Ramones the most. She said they scratched her brain.

“You got a way with words, don’t ya?” PJ giggled, kicking his feet up on the dashboard. “You could like this music more if it was bumpin’ through a speaker at a party, y’know.”

“Those places are loud,” she told him, remembering the get-togethers she had with her family back in California. “Too many people, gets really cramped.”

“Mm, you ain’t wrong. But still, I think those things might be more fun if you had a friend by your side.”

And that was how PJ and D made plans to attend at least one football game, homecoming, and prom for senior year. It meant that there was time to prepare for those things, plenty of time, so Daisy agreed with that tiny pinch of bravery that was instilled in her.

Her mom was glad that her daughter finally had a friend to hang around with, though Natalia was hoping for more girlfriends and sleepovers and “girly” things. But a friend is a friend, and Daisy tried to focus on that part.

She tried to focus on that until her life was derailed once again. What was it this time?

“Well, you didn’t like moving here and I’ve saved up enough to where we could move back!” Natalia tried to justify. “I already have a job lined up, mija, and your tia Ranza is already making space for us.”

“We don’t even get our own house?” Daisy asked, voice trembling.

“It’s either that or we’re homeless! No seas chillona, you don’t even like it here!”

It was true. Daisy didn’t like it in Knoxville. None of her extended family was here, no one here spoke a word of Spanish but they were fluent in very confusing metaphors, and she had one friend that took 2 of 3 years to actually feel like a friend. Three years was how long it took for Daisy to get used to the environment, plus she was expecting the massive life change to happen when she graduated high school, not the year before.

“Now you'll graduate with your primas in Indio! I thought you would be happy,” Natalia said.

She should have been, huh? Indio was her hometown, with family and the desert and waitresses that called her mi vida instead of darlin’. She shouldn’t have been such a wreck.

And a wreck she was when she told PJ. He didn’t understand at first.

“Why India? What’s over there?”

“Indi- oh!” she snapped, tears running down her face, head facing the ground. “It’s in California!”

“Oh…” PJ paused. “Still pretty far away, huh?”

He was quiet for the rest of the time. It was reminiscent of when he and Daisy first met. He didn’t say all that much when it was time to say goodbye. It was the first and only time they had ever hugged each other, and it wasn’t for that long because Daisy couldn’t stop crying.

All she did for months after that was cry. In a world that was always changing, Daisy frequently felt like she was struggling to catch up. That was when she knew that change was always going to bite her hard and not let go. You’d think after seventeen years of evolving and growing she would be used to it or at least try to welcome it. Her mom always says hay que crecer, mija. Es inevitable.

Daisy knows. She knows it all too well.

~

“It feels crazy,” Daisy said. It was another day and she had taken to lying on the couch across from her shrink. “I feel crazy.”

“Well, you were a teenager, and you had to leave your life behind not once but twice,” Ruth told her. “It would be difficult for anybody, but you find security in your routine. So much that any disruption feels, as you said, like the end of the world."

“But why? That’s what has me so…” Daisy raised her arms out in front of her, the sleeves of her yellow shirt sliding down towards her shoulders. “Crazy? And I only had one friend when I was a teenager, and friends are vital at that age. And even now as an adult, there’s only one person I can call my best friend. How many people are like that?”

“Plenty, I know it. It’s about quality, not quantity.” Ruth let a silence sink in as she continued writing on her clipboard. Then, “I have to say, that doctor from your teenage years, while incredibly dismissive, wasn’t entirely wrong. You are a sensitive being, Daisy, but that’s not a diagnosis. We’re here to find the root of this sensitivity, yes?”

Daisy didn’t mind being labeled as sensitive. It was all she had to go on, she had to make friends with that term to be okay with it. But she knew that that wasn’t it for her, that isn’t all she is. You’d think she’d have some grasp on that concept once she was more grown up.

“We moved again after I graduated.”

“Oh so you didn’t even stay in your hometown for that long either,” Ruth said as she wrote it down.

“A week after finishing high school, we came out here to LA,” Daisy said, tired. She didn’t even have the energy to use the fidget cube in her hand. “I’ve been here since I was eighteen and I’m not leaving again.”

“It helps with you feeling secure, I presume?”

Daisy nodded, even though the one time she moved to a different part of LA probably contributed to her seeking help. But that was a story for another time.

“I thought about just staying in Indio when my mom wanted to move again but… I don’t know, being without my mom at the time felt a lot worse. And she wanted me to go to a university out here. So I followed her. And it took me years to be happy about it.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

The sounds of buttons clicking on the fidget cube went off in the room.

~

It’s no secret that Daisy doesn’t look at everything around her, despite her vigilance. She memorizes things like t-shirt designs and types of shoes, maybe eyes and faces if she is around someone long enough. She’ll catch things that are out of the ordinary from her usual route to work or home. She might notice someone’s change in tone, but that’s only depending on the day, and this was not the day.

Today, the one thing she did notice on her way inside the gym was that there was one large black van parked out front with several men coming out of it, and that was it. She didn’t stop to look or wonder what was going on. There was no capacity in her brain for that anyways. She was just here to train in the dojo on her day off and nothing else.

Willa practically jumped as the door opened, immediately shooting up from her seat at the reception desk so quickly that her black hair bounced around her. She didn’t even calm down at the sight of Daisy approaching the desk. In fact, Willa was surprised, her round green eyes wider than normal.

“You’re here? I thought you weren’t coming back til next week.”

“Not working,” Daisy said shortly, averting her eyes. “Just wanna punch someone in the ring today.”

Despite not looking directly at her, she caught Willa tilting her head in the way that lots of people had been doing in the past week. Daisy also caught the sympathetic look on her extremely pretty face and kept her composure.

“We’re closed today, remember?” Willa said gently. “There’s people coming to film for that one movie. I don’t know how long they’re gonna be here.”

Daisy chewed the inside of her cheek as the notice flashed in her mind again. There really wasn’t any room in her head to remember things like that. Granted, she was told about this thing the day before she had to take time off work, it wasn’t exactly a mystery she had forgotten. If it was a typical period, Daisy would ask for and remember every detail to plan accordingly, but this was just not her week.

“Can I still stay?” she asked. The last thing she wanted to do was go to her little apartment and mope around.

“You can use the punching bags in the other room?” Willa offered. “I don’t even think Antonio or Juana are showing up today, so you won’t be bothered.”

“The owners aren’t here to see a movie be shot…” Daisy trailed off and then remembered she didn’t care today. She sighed and grabbed her bag from the counter, disgruntled, and turned around just as the main entrance door opened again. Her eyes were on the floor and the first thing she saw were a pair of black Chucks stepping into the lobby, and her gaze moved up a long, lean man in Dickies and a red t-shirt. She only caught one glimpse of his face and it was all too familiar, her mouth was moving before she could stop herself.

“PJ…”

The man did a double take. He was confused only for a second before he removed his aviators, brown eyes lighting up.

“I mean…” Daisy tried to backtrack, remembering one second too late that he went by another name now. “Johnny…?”

“Son of a bitch, Daisy? Daisy Pineda?”

“Hi,” she replied timidly, waving her hand once.

He was going to say more, but someone behind him tapped him on the shoulder, and he moved out of the doorway. Several people then piled into the lobby, a few with cameras and other filming equipment, to which Willa immediately shot up like she did before and gestured to the dojo area of the vast space.

“Hi, welcome! So happy to see you guys! Right this way!”

“C’mon, Knoxville,” said one of the guys, gesturing to the man who was still staring at Daisy like she was a firework in the sky.

“I’ll be right there, Jeff,” he replied, not turning to the guy named Jeff. He was fully focused on the girl from his past, he seemed happy. “The hell are you doing here? I know you moved to California, but… shit, of all places…?”

“I work here,” Daisy told him, playing with the strap on her bag. “I mean, I’m not supposed to work today, I wanted to get in the ring but -“

“You? Little ol’ Daisy in the ring?” He chuckled. “Time sure has passed, huh?”

It was true. She could see it in his height, in the way he held himself so confidently, in the scruff on his chin, and the smile lines forming around his eyes. But his presence was just so familiar and warm like no time had passed at all. Almost, because Daisy kept her delight under wraps, and wow, was she delighted.

Could it be that seeing a friendly face from the past threw her for a loop? Could it be because this was the worst week of her life and being so low only meant going up from here? Who the fuck knows, really?

She only smiled, and was about to ask one of many questions running through her head, when Willa returned from the main dojo area, and Johnny spoke first.

“How are you? How’s your mom?”

And just like that, things shifted. Willa looked at the pair once and then turned on her heel back to the dojo.

Daisy certainly felt full, but it was with the feeling that had been consuming her all week. Her smile faded a little, and she began to pick at the skin around her nails.

“She uh… she died.”

Johnny was silent for a moment. He turned and looked into the main room for a second before gently touching Daisy’s arm and leading her down the corridor by the changing rooms.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize,” he said, and for the first time he didn’t sound charming or playful. “Can I ask—“

“A sudden aortic aneurysm. Ruptured when she was driving,” Daisy said, and it just spilled out. “Had no idea she had that in her body. I’ve spent the last week calling people and planning the funeral because she didn’t leave any plans for something like this, but I got it all sorted out and today’s the first day I have nothing to do so. I’m here.”

Johnny nodded. Then, “I was gonna ask when it happened.”

There was a pause and Daisy sighed and palmed her forehead. “Sorry. One week ago, to the day.”

“Hey, you got nothin’ to be sorry for. It’s a tough time.” He paused, like he was hesitating. “So you must really wanna hit something, huh? Can’t say I blame you.”

“It’s fine, I should have remembered that you guys were gonna be here.” Daisy wanted to hit herself over the head again as that realization sank in. “I should have remembered, because it’s you. I think the owners told me about you guys being here like, an hour before my mom died.”

“So you were a little preoccupied?”

Daisy chuckled. “A little?”

Then, two people suddenly came around the corner and inserted themselves into the situation. It was Willa, accompanied by the man that talked to Johnny before.

“Mr. Knoxville, sir,” Willa said, hands behind her back in a professional manner.

“No need for that, call me Johnny,” he replied, turning to her with a charming smile.

“We need you at the ring,” the man named Jeff told him. “Dunn needs help getting into his sports bra.”

“Dunno why you’re telling me, I ain’t touchin’ him.” Johnny chuckled. Then he looked at Daisy once more. “You gonna stick around? You should, how long has it been anyways?”

“Fourteen years,” Daisy replied a little too quickly, and she only knew that because Johnny, Jeff, and Willa gave her a look. She didn’t know what it meant, though. “Um, I don’t know if I’m allowed to stay—“

“You are,” Willa answered just as quickly. “She, uh, we’ll be here if you need us. It’s just us, the owners won’t be showing up today.”

“Perfect. It’s good to see you, D.” Johnny winked and followed Jeff’s trail into the main room, and Daisy heard the latter ask “who that girl is.”

Daisy bounced on her toes once as she watched them go. Willa, on the other hand, sighed heavily and relaxed her whole body.

“Why didn’t you tell me you knew Johnny Knoxville?” she asked quietly so as to not be overheard.

“I did tell you,” Daisy replied, stepping back over to the reception desk by walking on her toes. She opened one of the drawers and dug around inside it for a moment. “Everytime that show is brought up I say how I knew him. Where are the bandaids, by the way? They’re always here.”

Willa chuckled as she went to sit behind the desk. “Well we all know Jackass, and you didn’t specify. And now you’re gonna. Tell me everything.”

“Bandaids,” was all Daisy said with a blank stare.

Her dark haired friend sighed and pointed to the wall behind her, where there was a small white cabinet that Daisy had never seen before. “We moved the first aid kit to its own place. Don’t give me that look, it’s supposed to be more functional and easier to access!”

Daisy continued to chew on her thumb that had been bleeding. Then she sighed in defeat and grabbed what she needed. Willa didn’t let her change the subject, and asked about her history with Johnny once again.

Daisy wasn’t sure what was so interesting about that part of her life. There was a whole lot of silence between her and her old friend at the beginning. At some point there were plans to do things like crash parties and go to prom and smoke behind the bathrooms at football games, but none of them came to fruition.

“Well yeah, you don’t like parties or smoking,” Willa said.

“I could have.” Daisy shrugged. “Being around him felt good.” Almost like she could have done anything. If only she hadn’t moved just as she got the guts to fucking live.

“Was he anything like the guy in there now?” Willa asked, leaning in towards her friend.

Daisy shook her head. “He was shorter, and he had a perm.”

Another male voice came from the doorway of the main room. “No fuckin’ way!”

She jumped at the sound and was met with a blonde guy with a beard, decked out in a red sports bra and shorts. He was followed by Johnny, who was now topless. They both approached the two women, inserting themselves into the conversation.

“Knoxville with a perm?” the blonde guy said between laughs. “Please elaborate!”

“Daisy, meet Ryan Dunn - oh, and everyone else,” Johnny said as more recognizable men joined in on the conversation. Many introductions were had, even though both Daisy and Willa already knew who Steve-O, Preston, Wee Man, and Chris were. They all egged Daisy on to talk about teenage PJ Clapp.

So she did. His friends got a huge kick out of hearing about the time Johnny got beat up by the mean girl on campus. Daisy had to save him by pouring milk down the back of the girl’s shirt, only to receive a punch in the mouth. Mean girl didn’t get in trouble, Daisy did. The one detail she skipped over was why Johnny got involved in that mess in the first place. It usually made things sad if she ever talked about it, and she wasn’t good at reading rooms, but everyone here seemed… happy? There was no need to ruin it.

“So is that why you kickbox now?” Willa asked, having never heard any of this before.

“No.”

“She didn’t need kickboxing to save my ass,” Johnny said, leaning against the desk. “Daisy’s sweet as pie, tough as nails.”

Daisy briefly thought about how much she didn’t like pie and how if you hit a nail hard enough it’ll bend. She didn’t say anything, however, she liked the way his words made her feel.

“So are you the one kicking Dunn’s ass today, then?” Steve-O asked her, successfully and unknowingly distracting her from her own intense emotions.

“As much as I’d love to see that,” Johnny answered as he clasped his friend’s shoulder. “We’re still waiting for Nao- Nakka- uh, the lady kickboxing champion.”

“Naoko Kumagai?” Daisy asked, looking to Willa for confirmation.

Things got infinitely more exciting. Daisy was starting to be glad she got out of bed today. She nor Willa were allowed to be in the room when Naoko arrived, but if they stood at the doorway at a certain angle behind the cameras, they wouldn’t be breaking any rules. Willa stayed quiet by grabbing Daisy’s arm everytime Ryan took a nasty punch from Naoko. Daisy bounced on her toes, relishing in watching someone get their ass beat, watching Naoko Kumagai beat someone’s ass in real time, and watching her old high school friend laugh his ass off the way he used to all those years ago.

“What do you say, Dunn?” asked Johnny as he poked his head through the ring. “Wanna go up against my old pal Daisy?”

Ryan was lying spread eagle, breathless from the tumble he had. He shook his head as he tried to pull the boxing gloves off his hands.

“I got my ass kicked by a girl once, I’m not doing it again.”

Both Daisy and Willa silently rolled their eyes.

“I’d like to go against someone who has a chance anyways,” Daisy said before she could stop herself.

That made the cast and crew laugh. It was unintentional, because she actually did want a fair fight, but Daisy rolled with it.

“You get in there, she’s your friend,” Jeff said to Johnny. “It’ll be a good way to catch up!”

“She said a chance, man,” Ryan said as he crawled out of the ring.

The camera people piped up, saying they weren’t sure they got a good shot of Ryan with Naoko, or that maybe this could go in the credits or a behind the scenes featurette. Then Steve-O, Wee Man, Chris, and Preston got in on it, practically shaking Johnny and talking him into getting in the ring.

Finally, he met Daisy’s gaze across the room. “Whaddya say, D? For old times sake?”

“We’ve never fought before,” she replied with a giggle.

“First time for everything! Do we have extra gear?”

Within ten minutes, Daisy was in her yellow kickboxing gear, facing her old friend inside the ring. All eyes were on her, including Naoko Kumagai’s. She would be less nervous about having to go up against her, if Daisy was completely honest.

Seeing Johnny in a red sports bra and matching red shorts similar to what Ryan sported earlier was not the comic relief the filmmakers were probably looking for. (Neither was the skit “Ass Kicked By A Girl” but that’s another conversation.) All the guys were shirtless prior to this, but now Daisy was about to be up close and personal with these particular bare abs. The years had clearly been kind to Johnny, despite the destruction he brought upon his own body regularly.

But she didn’t focus on that. She was in the ring now, in her corner with her back to her opponent.

“Don’t be afraid to hit me too hard,” the opponent teased from his corner of the ring.

Willa, who was fixing Daisy’s signature yellow boxing gloves, fought back a grin. “Thanks for the advice.” She looked at her friend and said quietly, “Chinga ese güey.”

Daisy had a glint in her eye as she put the guard in her mouth. Finally, she turned to face her opponent, never once looking at his face.

One of his guys, Loomis - completely decked out in referee gear - came into the middle of the ring and announced the fighters in a big, narrator voice.

“In the blue corner, from Knoxville, Tennessee, Johnny Knoxville!” That was followed by small applause. “In the red, or should I say yellow, from…” Loomis paused and looked at Daisy for confirmation.

“She’s also from Tenn—“ Johnny said but Willa cut across him, clearly much more comfortable around this energy than before.

“Indio, California!”

“From Indio, California… Daisy!”

The same amount of applause sounded in the room. That was the last external noise Daisy heard before the gong went off, and she was in the zone. She practically forgot that this was her friend from a different part of her life as she kneed him in the side and punched him in the gut. The guttural sounds he made threatened to break her concentration but another jab to the chest shut him up quickly. He went stumbling back, falling onto his butt.

“Párate güey!” Daisy found herself saying in response to whatever he had mumbled to her. “Ándale! Ni siquiera me pegas!”

Johnny swayed as he got back up, holding his gloves out in front of him. He went for a punch that got Daisy right in the boob, making her stagger and hiss. Several voices gasped in shock, even Johnny paused to ask if she was okay. But Daisy recovered quickly, and finished him off with a jab in the neck, a kick dangerously close to the groin, and a solid left hook to the face.

He was on the floor long enough for Loomis to count and declare Daisy the champion.

A wide smile grew on her face as her hand was held up in the air, taking in the applause and whoops from the crew. It felt like she had gone somewhere else for a while and returned, she knew she punched Johnny out but seeing him lying on the floor disoriented was almost jarring.

Once she was let go, Daisy untied her gloves with her teeth and shook them off. She approached the six foot something man on the floor and offered a hand. Call it sportsmanship or platonic feelings from the past, Daisy wanted to let him know that things were good. Johnny smiled weakly as he held his gloved hand up and was pulled back to his feet.

“You were pulling your punches.”

“No I wasn’t,” Daisy replied as she tilted her head, rethinking what just went down. “Your cheek is red, if I was holding back then—“

“He’s messing with you,” Willa called from behind her.

“Oh…”

Johnny chuckled. “Same old Daisy.” He patted her head with his boxing glove before going back to his friends.

Daisy felt tingles on her fingers and palm for several minutes after. Praise from Naoko and her translator felt almost similar. Needless to say, when she was alone in the changing room Daisy bounced on her toes and flapped her hands excitedly to cope with the pleasant warmth she thought she would never feel again.

By the time she came out, the cameras and crew were making their way out of the gym, thanking Willa and waving at Daisy along the way. There was one person from the crew who had stopped to present the two women with forms to sign, permission to use the footage of them and whatnot. Daisy signed off without really thinking about it, it had been a good day.

“You dot your I’s with hearts?” the legal person asked when he looked over the form.

“Yeah.” She smiled.

“You still do that?” asked Johnny, who had been one foot out the door. He went up to the desk to see the form for himself. “Oh D, you haven’t changed a bit.”

She shrugged, not knowing how to feel about that.

Now that most of the chaos had settled down, Johnny took the time to lean against the desk and look at the girl before him, shaking his head in disbelief. “Wow. Daisy Pineda, in the flesh. I never thought I’d see you again, much less have you kick the shit outta me.”

“I thought so too,” she replied, “but I see your face on TV all the time.”

Listen. Daisy wasn’t an avid Jackass fan, but if she was flipping through channels late at night she might catch a glimpse of his face and stick around for a bit. She never thought she’d see the scrawny kid from her history class take several shots to the groin or get his asshole cleaned out on national TV, but it also didn’t not make sense. Those moments where he laughed out loud at something his friends were doing were the only things that made Daisy nostalgic for those two years in Tennessee where he was the one she depended on. When she was the one making him laugh, even if it was unintentional.

The corners of his eyes had more permanent crinkles when he smiled. Daisy could only look for a moment before her chest was full again. She wasn’t sure what else he wanted with her now that they had talked and fought in the ring, but they were there long enough for Willa to take the legal person somewhere else.

“Did you get it outta your system?” Johnny asked, a ghost of a smile still etched on his face. “Hit me hard enough to make you forget for a while?”

Daisy let out a breath. “Kind of. And I don’t pull my punches.”

“Oh, I know that now. C’mere, D.”

He opened his arms and stepped closer to her. Daisy knew what was coming, just from life experience. She learned that to deny it is rude, so she only let Johnny hug her for exactly two seconds. Her throat was full with intense things she wouldn’t be able to coherently say, and the last thing she wanted to do was fall apart on him.

“Is… has there been a funeral?” he asked softly as he stepped back.

“This weekend,” she told him.

“Would it—“

“Knoxville!” called another man from the lobby. Probably Jeff. “C’mon we gotta get going!”

Johnny closed his eyes and sighed. He still addressed the girl in front of him. “Would I be overstepping if I showed up to the funeral? I know we haven’t seen each other in years, but your mom was always kind to me back in the day.”

“You can come,” Daisy said, if anything to get this conversation done and over with. She wasn’t supposed to think about this today.

~

Ruth had been going over her notes for a couple of long minutes. Daisy was rocking side to side as she waited, fidget cube forgotten.

“And reuniting with PJ - Johnny, that didn’t trigger a bad feeling?” the therapist finally asked.

“Oh I slept for twelve hours the next day. But I thought that was just because my mom’s dead. I suppose it makes sense that all that commotion took everything out of me.”

“I see. So surprises, disruptions, and waves of emotion have the ability to send you into a meltdown.”

Daisy knew this. She just wished she had been told much, much sooner. Like maybe when she was 4 and screaming over some socks. Or when she was 14 and so silent that her classmates thought she was from another planet.

“But what does that say about me?”

Chapter Text

“I don’t know how I did the things that I did,” Daisy mused, looking down at the tangle fidget toy in her hand. “I mean I do, it was just one single person who made me want to try.”

“Try…?” Ruth trailed off.

“Being a normal person. Be someone who likes loud places and out of control situations,” Daisy explained. “I was able to do it, I could act normal for the most part, but that’s also what it took for me to uh, how do I put it…?”

“Burn yourself out?” Ruth tried.

“I mean - yes.” Daisy twisted the toy as she thought about it. “Looking back, it feels so destructive, because I know what can and can’t hurt me. But can I even say that if I got good experiences out of it? I wasn’t thinking about hurting myself. I didn’t want to bring harm to myself.” If she wanted to do that, she’d climb onto a big red rocket or stand in a bull ring.

“You went out of your comfort zone,” Ruth reassured. “And if it got you to the life you have now, then it’s a good thing.”

That’s true. Daisy knows it. That’s all she’s been told, that she should be grateful for what she does have. But it doesn’t fix anything. She’s still tired and it’s been difficult trying to make anyone see that part, so she cut herself out of everyone’s lives. So what if she survived this long? The one person who did finally see past the survival only sent her to this office. And that is an effect of her choices from a few years ago, no?

~

“How do you feel about bars?” Johnny asked over the phone. “I remember parties were never your thing… dunno if anything’s changed.”

Daisy’s stomach sank. She had a feeling this was coming, having a smidge of an idea of what kinds of things this guy was into. She was glad he couldn’t see the wide, terrified look in her eyes, or the way she began to pace her apartment. It would have made him take it back, and she didn’t want that.

Over the last few months, Johnny and Daisy had been talking. It was mostly over the phone in the evening, after they both finished work for the day. It wasn’t every day, or every week. Johnny was far busier, having gone to Tokyo, Rosarito, Orlando, practically everywhere to shoot more bits for Jackass: The Movie. But he called when he could from wherever he was on the globe, checking in with Daisy after reconnecting with her.

Something worth noting was how the wave of people who called for this very thing started to trickle away after about, oh, a week after the funeral. Her nina Gaby still called, as did her cousin Lucia, and of course, Willa. Everyone else seemed to disappear. But it was okay, Daisy knew people were busy with their own lives, the world still turns and changes everyday no matter how much she didn’t want it to. For some reason, she didn’t think Johnny would still be checking in with her. He was the busiest of them all.

This, however, was different from checking in.

“I… don’t mind bars,” she finally replied.

“That’s good enough for me. I’m back in LA, and a bunch of us are going out tonight, I’d love to see you there,” he told her.

Yeah, that was very different from the usual how are you doing, you need anything, what have you been up to the last fourteen years… Daisy shook her hand down at her side.

She imagined herself in a crowded, musty bar surrounded by people she didn’t know. Don’t get her wrong, she had briefly met some of the guys Johnny worked with. He had brought Jeff along to her mother’s funeral a few months back. A week later Johnny invited her to dinner with the cast, but she left when she heard them planning to go bar hopping after. Johnny tried to convince her to stay, but let up quickly knowing the circumstances, but not before hitting her with, “Just let me know if you need anything, D.”

So Daisy still considered his friends strangers. Sure she would have Johnny there, but he was popular and social. All of his friends would be in one place. All of these loud, chaotic people in one small, smelly bar. Daisy wasn’t built for that.

“Can I invite a friend?” she asked against her better judgment.

“A friend?” Johnny repeated. “Who do you have in mind?”

“Uh, just Willa. She’ll get mad if she finds out I partied without her.”

“Oh… oh yeah, fine by me.” He chuckled like he was relieved for some reason. Then he asked, “Should I come and get you?”

That saved Daisy the mortifying ordeal of asking. Somehow her brain was assigning him to be the safe person of the night, even though he was probably one of the least reliable people. Did Daisy know this firsthand? No, but after hearing about many tales of his debauchery over the phone the last few weeks, and even receiving pictures via email of Steve-O shooting fireworks out of his butt, it was probably better that Daisy invite someone she fully trusts.

That didn’t mean she didn’t want to see Johnny before things got crazy. It didn’t mean that she didn’t want to spend time with him at all. 

“Yeah, that would be great!”

“Perfect. Can’t wait to see you.”

Despite their vast differences, Daisy found herself wanting to spend more time with Johnny, even if it meant being in situations she typically avoided. She was smiling at his last words, a deep contrast to the panic growing in her stomach.

This may have been the stupidity that comes with infatuation that Natalia talked about when Daisy was a teen. Her mother went on about things like that every so often, that love made her stupid and careless and that was why she had Daisy young and that was why Dad was out of the picture. Love makes you stupid.

That, along with Daisy’s incredible ineptness at socializing, put her off from seeking out romantic partners. She had some rare dates, and even rarer one night stands over the years. Both occasions occurred after nights like the one happening tonight and usually didn’t end up going anywhere. But that wasn’t the plan tonight, she was just going to hang out with some people and be drunk, because loud places were easier to manage when she was drunk.

What Daisy did know about Johnny and the people he hung around with was anything goes. That meant that she had no idea what to expect, nothing was for certain except that there was going to be alcohol. Even then, Daisy had to lie down on the floor and attempt to relax. This wasn’t going to be like the proms she didn’t go to or the college parties she wasn’t invited to. She was going to behave like a normal person tonight no matter what.

She stayed on the floor for two hours before suddenly remembering that she had to call Willa. Willa happily agreed to go out, ecstatic that her introverted friend was seeking out such a thing for once. After that, Daisy stayed on the floor for another half hour, wondering why she didn’t keep herself busy with cleaning her apartment like she told herself she’d do earlier in the day, or why she didn’t just put Animaniacs on VHS to calm her mind instead of punching her own thighs to cope.

It wasn’t until her stomach rumbled loudly did she finally get up to fix herself something to eat. She was absolutely going to drink tonight, she didn’t want to do it on an empty stomach and end up wasted after the first shot.

She was straightening her bangs by the time there was a knock on the door. Daisy unplugged her curling iron and went to answer, greeted by tall and stupidly handsome Johnny Knoxville. The PJ Clapp she once knew was long out of here, that was all she thought of as she took in his broad frame.

“How ya doin’, D?” he asked as he stepped inside. He held up a small bottle of tequila and grinned. “I brought starters!”

He would never know how relieving that was for her. No one would have to see Daisy silently panicking inside the establishment if she was already buzzed and relaxed upon arriving. She happily led Johnny to the kitchen where she grabbed 2 different shot glasses, a clear one and a rainbow Palm Springs one.

“Ooo, dibs!” Johnny said as he snatched the latter. “This one’s mine!”

Daisy smiled and watched him pour shots for the both of them, finally starting to feel a smidge of excitement. They clinked their glasses and downed the liquid courage, and that was when Johnny got comfortable.

“Why are you so quiet, D? Aren’t you happy to see me?” he teased.

“I don’t need to talk to someone to enjoy their company,” she said after clearing her throat. But, to make him feel better and because she wanted to, Daisy gave him a once over. She took in his tall form, his navy Dickies, tattered Ramones shirt under a leather jacket, and that gorgeous face. “You look good, by the way.”

Johnny waved it off, despite how much he was grinning. “Oh, stop. So do you. Always wearin’ piss colors.”

Daisy giggled, resisting the urge to twirl her hair as the subject changed.

“What’s the worst injury you've gotten during kickboxing?” he asked as he poured another round.

Daisy remembered getting punched in the boob by him and wondered if that was the correct answer. Something about Johnny’s tone felt playful, like there was a joke only he was in on. It was a little weird but it would be weirder to comment on it, so she just answered.

“My lip got ripped open.” Being truthful was better than attempting and failing to banter with him. She took down the next shot.

Johnny hardly flinched as he did the same. “Yeah? Make it hard to kiss your boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” Daisy said as she grabbed the bottle, almost desperate to feel the courage from this clear liquid.

“Good to know.”

After the next shot, Daisy stepped away from the counter. “I’m gonna go change!”

She meant to do it sooner, but Johnny was distracting, even if they briefly spoke. Daisy didn’t make him wait too long; The last thing she needed was for Johnny to follow her here and see the piles of dirty laundry, crumpled up food wrappers, and dust on every surface. Daisy tried to keep the rest of her apartment clean, at the cost of having no energy left for her bedroom. So she was in and out of there in a flash, now sporting jean shorts and a big yellow tie-dye shirt. She wasn’t expecting him to say anything more, given that she wasn’t wearing anything special.

He didn’t say anything about her clothing choice, but his eyes went down her body regardless.

“And who did that?”

Daisy looked down, finding noticeable bruises forming on the sides of her thighs. She didn’t know what to say for a second as she stared at the purple marks. “I ran into something.”

Johnny chuckled as he played with the rainbow shot glass. “You know, I would have believed it if you said you got it in the ring.”

She didn’t know what that meant and just mimicked the soft laugh. She felt his eyes on her as she went for the next round, but Johnny put his hand over the top of her shot glass.

“What’s his name?” He grinned like he was in on something.

“Who?” Daisy asked, now confused.

“The lucky fella who got to hold you that tight.”

“There isn’t one.”

She saw his face, but avoided his brown eyes. She didn’t know what he was getting at, and at this point she was too afraid to ask. The odd silence just demanded to be heard as Johnny watched her.

“I’ll get it outta you later,” he decided, and he let go of her glass. As soon as his next shot was gone, he asked about the Kit Cat clock hanging on the wall, changing the subject altogether.

The toon cat only made Daisy think of an even cooler cartoon thing she had in her living room, and she dragged Johnny over to ramble about the animation cel from Duck Amuck hanging above the little table. It was just Daffy looking dazed while holding a hammer, but it piqued some interest.

“How’d you get your hands on this?” he asked her.

“It was a birthday present last year. Willa refuses to tell me what she did to get it, but I love it,” Daisy rambled, finding it hard to keep herself from moving her hips from side to side. “I never put it on display til recently, my mom didn’t like childish things like this, she always said I was too old for it.”

“You’re never too old for some good ol’ fashioned cartoon violence,” Johnny said with a nod.

“Exactly, it’s always funny. And now that my mom’s gone, I can have this and lots of other things out for the world to see.” Daisy smiled, and thought nothing of the silence that followed.

Her friend only cleared his throat. “Another round?”

~

Daisy felt light and almost free by the time she and Johnny rolled around to the bar. She may have taken an extra shot or two while he was busy calling a cab, and all of them hit as soon as she stepped foot in the parking lot. Her body swayed from side to side as she tried to assess her surroundings.

There were plenty of people just outside the “hole in the wall” as Johnny put it, enough to make that logical voice in Daisy’s head whisper you do not want this. But Daisy quickly realized that she couldn’t count the amount of people very well, much less the exits she could take if need be. The concern for the amount of commotion in the environment was practically nonexistent, she hadn’t felt like this in a long while.

“Remember when you used to invite me to parties when we were young?” she suddenly asked when Johnny came back from paying the cab driver.

“I sure do,” he replied. “You always had this deer-in-headlights look in your eye whenever I asked.”

“I have no idea what that means,” Daisy bluntly said. “But anyways, you should have told me there would be beer or something, I probably would have gone because alcohol just–“

“Hits the spot? Yeah, I thought about that too back then.” He turned to face her, that adorable smile on his stupid cute face. “But we’re here now, and we can do all the things we promised to do when we were that age. And then some.”

Daisy smiled and scrunched her nose with excitement. She bounced on her toes and nodded in agreement, happily following Johnny into the bar. This was almost like a second chance. The little smidge of bravery was returning with brute force, and she had known it would feel this good when she was 16, Daisy could have done so much more with her youth.

However, upon entering the establishment, it was just like her youth. Daisy very quickly found herself people-watching at first, because Johnny was in his element when he was around his friends. He was good with strangers too, and there were quite a few who recognized the Jackass guys and wanted to chat with them.

It was then, when Daisy was sipping a cocktail that Johnny ordered for her, that she realized that this was exactly what she would be doing sober. The only difference was that she wasn’t focused on every single sound that would intrude her ear canals, nor was she averting her eyes from the ugly lights that flashed around. Her senses were dulled, and it felt good. She took a heftier sip, deciding that she could in fact just sit here and people watch the whole night without an issue.

Then she was approached by two people at once. The first was Willa, who had entered the bar donning a cute green dress. The other was Chris Pontius, who had come from the other side of the bar.

“Hey!” they said at the same time, looking at Daisy.

“Oh, hey!” Willa said to Chris.

“Hey!” Chris greeted back, giving that twinkly smile. “I was gonna see why Daisy was here all by herself but I can see she’s got an angel at her side.”

“And another was coming to her rescue.” Willa returned the smile. “However, you can make yourself useful by getting my first round.”

“You got it. What’s your poison?”

“Surprise me.”

Daisy had been turning back and forth between them, watching the interaction. It was that easy for them, whereas Daisy would have to take an extra second to remember what these phrases meant. She used to write them down when she was younger, and that notepad was sitting in a purse she no longer used.

“What have you been doing?” Willa asked, finally acknowledging her curly haired friend. She kept her eyes on the bartender making her drink, though.

“Chilling.” Daisy swayed from side to side, vibing with the music bumping. “I’m having fun!”

Chris, who was still in earshot, turned to the two ladies. “Oh seriously? I was about to come and save you, at the request of the friend who has a boner for you!”

Willa laughed, so Daisy did too. Then Chris presented Willa with an AMF and his charming smile.

“Come over to our corner,” he told them. “We’re about to play beer pong!”

Willa turned to Daisy with a quirk of her brows. “Sounds good!”

As soon as Daisy was on her feet, her body felt different and all the liquid she had consumed rushed through her. A euphoric grin stretched across her face despite the feeling, and she placed her hand on Willa’s shoulders.

“I have to pee. Come with me!”

Willa sighed and then turned to Chris, excusing herself and her friend. He pointed to where his squad would be and let them go. Willa kept looking back on the way to the women’s restroom and then spilled her questions as soon as she and Daisy reached sanctuary in the four blank walls.

“Have you really been sitting on a stool, away from the guy you came out here with?”

Daisy was smiling stupidly to herself. “I came out to have fun.”

“¿Oíste lo que dijo ? Johnny’s hot for you! Why don’t you go talk to him?”

“Oh, that’s who he was talking about? How come people don’t just say what they mean?”

Willa didn’t say anything for a minute. Daisy could only guess she was rubbing her temple like she did when silly, silly things were said. That, or she was downing her drink to get on the same level.

“To be fair,” Daisy continued when she was out of the stall and washing her hands, “Johnny got distracted by fans who wanted to meet him, and then I lost him from there.”

“Okay, what about now? I saw him looking our way when we were coming in here,” Willa replied, and then she grinned playfully. “He wants you.”

“Why wouldn’t he just say that, then?” Daisy asked.

“Ay mija…” Willa sighed. “Why do I feel like he has tried to say it and you just didn’t get the hint?”

“Uh… Well, he didn’t leave any hints when he came by my place earlier.”

Willa’s green eyes widened. “He was at your apartment? Just him?”

Daisy nodded, looking around for paper towels. There was only the automatic dryer and there was no way she was using that, so she wiped her hands on her t-shirt. She only looked up when a hand went on her shoulder. Her friend was grinning, eyes still wide.

“Cuentame.”

The next several minutes were spent by Daisy explaining the phone calls she’s had with Johnny over the last few weeks. Willa listened and picked apart certain things that were said, things that Daisy didn’t even pick up on. Turns out, asking about her love life, claiming to be excited to see her, and showing up to her apartment alone means that he was interested in more than just a platonic thing.

“But why doesn’t he just say that?” she asked, mildly exasperated. That was the biggest thing she did not understand about dating. You’d think after getting a little older it would make more sense, but her stupid puny brain didn’t compute.

“Remember when I explained that to most people, this stuff is just a game?” Willa told her, always so patient with explaining these human behaviors to her friend.

“Thass annoyin’.” Daisy scoffed, not even minding the slur in her tone.

“It’s supposed to be fun.”

“For who? The people who just know how to act like people? I can’t do that!” Daisy tapped her forehead with the heel of her hand repeatedly. “Pendeja, pendeja!”

“Ay, no digas eso,” Willa said as she gently took Daisy’s wrist and put her glass in her hand. “Chingate eso, y ya vamos.”

The beverage was bright blue, almost dangerous to even look at. But Daisy sucked in a deep breath and drained the glass in five seconds, and then she was ready.

The commotion in the bar made Daisy cringe as soon as she was in the thick of it again. Willa took her hand and pulled her through the crowd of patrons, saying nothing at how tightly Daisy held onto her. They made it over to the corner of the bar where most of the chaos resided, and that was when Willa let go of her friend’s hand. For a moment, Daisy just stood there, watching as her dark haired friend moved behind her, and then she was being pushed forward in a random direction.

“¿Que haces? Willa, what the- oof!”

Daisy ran into a tall, strong body. She was face to face with a Ramones t-shirt, and then she tilted her head upwards so she was looking at the tall and handsome Johnny Knoxville.

“Hi.” He grinned.

“Hi…” Daisy quickly looked behind herself, her friend had disappeared into thin air. Then she turned back to Johnny, mimicking his smile.

“Sorry, I kinda left you at the bar earlier,” he told her. “Hope you didn’t get too bored without me.”

She shook her head, suddenly forty percent happier now that she was in his presence. “I’m having fun! I like watching people be people!”

“You should be a people with the rest of us! Come on D, you’re on my team for beer pong!”

Daisy didn’t know when she agreed to that before now, but the look on his face was… pretty. That, and the fact that she was still very close to him without having the urge to step away and scratch the part of her arm that touched his body kept her rooted, despite the fact that she could feel the adios part of the blue drink start creeping in.

Johnny remained close to her as the game went on. He placed a hand on her back when he helped her aim, and he threw his head back in laughter when she loudly claimed that she was not very good with balls. They were up against Chris and Willa, who were both competitive but more easily distracted with talking to each other. Daisy only ended up chugging one drink, and it was a cocktail she took from Johnny’s hand because she had lost her own a while ago.

PJ and D came out victorious.

“Good going, sweetheart,” he said as he squeezed her shoulder again. “I’ll go get us another round.”

Daisy was grinning stupidly as she waited, noticing the new nickname but not minding it one bit. It made her insides melt a little. All the drinks she had made her less squeamish about all the touching as well. If only she was like this all the time, without any substances.

She looked around at her surroundings, finding Willa talking with Chris. It was a little odd, Willa was twirling her hair and smiling in a way Daisy had never seen before. Moving on, she found Steve-O, Wee Man, and Preston in another conversation. Bam and Ryan were playing pool nearby. The whole thing reminded Daisy of high school and every family gathering she had ever been to, but the awareness wasn’t excruciating and she didn’t feel the need to insert herself somewhere in order to belong. The only person who did approach her was Dave.

“Man, you have been talking way too much tonight!” he told her, pointing a finger with a drink in hand and making it splash a little. “You just don’t know when to shut up, huh?”

Daisy blinked, unsure what to say. “Huh? Um-“

“So, what’s your deal with Knoxville?” Dave suddenly asked, getting awfully comfortable in her space.

She tilted her head, now even more confused as she unconsciously took a step back. “What do you mean deal?”

“You know, are you guys…?” He pointed his fingers together, making the tips touch repeatedly.

“Are we what?” Daisy asked, genuinely not knowing what the hell this guy was talking about.

Dave laughed. “Are you gonna make me say it?”

“Say what?” Her voice had a slight twinge of panic. Why did everyone always act like they were in on something? Why couldn’t anyone be straightforward?

“Do you do that on purpose?” Dave gestured to Daisy’s general posture, which didn’t help anything. She was just standing there.

“Do what?”

“That doe-eyed, head-empty shit.”

Before Daisy could say or even feel anything, the man she was asked about returned to the scene, two drinks in hand. “Hey, Darf, how ya doin’?”

Dave - Darf, gestured between the two of them. “What's your guys’ deal?”

“Oh, Daisy’s my best girl.” Johnny smiled as he handed a cocktail to the best girl in question.

She wasn’t looking at either man as she took the glass and sipped heavily through the straw. She didn’t think she could feel this embarrassed with this many drinks in, even with another cute nickname added.

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Darf said to her.

Daisy rolled her eyes. “Use better words next time!”

“Alright, Darf, why don't you go on and give BamBam a kiss?” Johnny suggested.

Apparently it was that easy to shake him off. Darf went off in another direction, and that caused a small commotion in the bar. Daisy tried to focus on the sounds of Shakira blaring through the speakers instead of the utter humiliation building inside her. She thought she acted more normal when drunk. But she was very drunk, and very not normal.

“Hey, don’t mind him,” Johnny said to her as he nudged her arm. “He won’t even remember this tomorrow.”

But Daisy will. She drained half of her glass before telling him that she was going to the bathroom. The speed at which she zoomed out of that corner of the bar would have made any cartoon character she loved proud. That wasn’t so comforting at the moment.

Once in the bathroom, Daisy sighed heavily. She went to the sink counter and planted her elbows down on it, head in hands.

“Pendeja, pendeja, pendeja,” she mumbled, smacking her forehead once again.

“Who’s calling who a dumbass?” came a loud female voice from one of the stalls.

Daisy jumped, unaware that there had been other people in here. She stood up straight again, rocking from side to side as her brows creased.

“I said,“ the voice came again, followed by the flushing of the toilet, “Who’s a dumbass?”

A random woman came out of the stall, stumbling slightly, red lipstick smudged across her cheek. She looked to be in her twenties, what with the low rise jeans and tight little tank top. Daisy averted her eyes from the sparkling belly button ring and tried to look normal. For a long moment, she and the woman just stood there until the latter spoke.

“Can I wash my hands, please? And you can tell me all about the pendeja.”

Daisy wanted to hit herself over the head again. “It’s me, yo soy la pinche pendeja.”

The woman gasped, looking offended. “Never say that again, you’re not dumb! You’re too pretty to feel dumb!”

“But-“

“No.” She turned off the sink and put her wet hands on Daisy’s shoulders. “You’re too pretty to feel dumb. So whoever made you feel that way, kill them.”

Maybe it was the amount of drinks between the two women, but Daisy just let several things come out of her mouth.

“It’s just - ¿Por qué la gente no dice la verdad? I'm standing out there with a guy who apparently has a boner for me, but he won’t say it! And then his friend asked what our ‘deal’ was like ¿ que chingados quiere que digo?”

The woman was nodding and listening intently. “No, you’re so right! Men are fucking stupid with their stupid fucking games! You just have to take things into your own hands! Tu dices la verdad! You're hot, you’re not getting any younger, you need to get that boner!”

Daisy left the bathroom feeling like a changed woman. She downed the second half of her drink and marched her way back to the corner full of jackasses, only to find a bigger commotion than how she left it. She actually stopped in her tracks.

Willa was up in Darf’s face, saying something and pointing an accusing finger at him. He was just laughing and trying to put his arm around her, to which she aggressively slapped him away. Some of the other guys, Johnny included, were watching intently and holding back their own laughs. Daisy simply watched, not knowing if this was a good or bad situation. She had only ever seen Willa talk to someone that way when they crossed her. But if everyone else was entertained by this scene, then was it a bad thing that was happening?

(It was.)

Everyone let out a collective oooohhhh! when Willa’s fist came in contact with Darf’s nose. Daisy, Johnny, Chris, and a bouncer immediately stepped in to diffuse the situation. Willa was yelling in Spanish while her curly haired friend pulled her back. The bouncer got in the middle of the crowd and was yelling at her to leave the bar, while Johnny and Chris tended to their injured friend.

Daisy grabbed onto Willa’s wrist and pulled as hard as she could to get out of that frighteningly escalating situation. One look back made Willa follow her friend out of the establishment and into the night.

“What the fuck happened while I was gone?” Daisy asked, unable to keep her voice from wavering.

“I saw him messing with you,” Willa answered, folding her arms. “You looked upset when you left, so I wanted to know what he said to you. And then he tried to hug me and well…” She shrugged as she showed off her pink knuckles.

Daisy twisted her hands around the ends of her shirt, rocking from side to side again. “I was mad at myself! I don’t know why I came out tonight, and he was saying things that I should have known and - ahh!”

“Okay, well he was still an asshole.” Willa looked at her friend for a moment and sighed. “I’m sorry, really. I didn’t mean to ruin your night, just shake it out and you can go back inside, okay?”

There was no way Daisy could do that. She asked to invite Willa out here tonight, and look what happened. She couldn’t show her face to these guys ever again.

“We should call a cab,” Daisy said after a moment. “Pretty sure the night’s over for us.”

“You’re gonna call a cab? Inside, where all the noise is?” Willa asked in disbelief.

Sobriety never seemed to hit harder than it did that moment. No, now that Daisy was out in the quiet night with the cool air and the moon to comfort her, she couldn’t see herself going back in there. She quickly checked her pockets and - yup, she forgot her phone at home.

Just as she was debating doing a walk of shame with her partner in crime, another flurry of humans were stumbling out of the bar. Daisy instinctively moved away from the entrance with Willa in tow, not wanting to get caught up in swimming through a crowd again.

Willa merely rolled her eyes at the sight of Darf getting walked out with his arms around Bam and Ryan. They were followed by Steve-O, Chris, and the other guys. Johnny came out last, talking to the bouncer and somehow making them laugh. The bouncer wished them all a good night before going back inside.

“Look at your man, saving the day,” Willa commented. “Oh shit—“

She turned away when Johnny started making his way over to the two women. Daisy felt her heart drop, this was going to be the end of her reunion with her old friend. And she never even got to discuss the boner…

“You ladies okay?” he asked when he approached them.

Daisy nodded rapidly. “Mhm…"

“Hey.” Johnny nudged Willa to get her attention. “Somebody had to do it.”

That made her smile for some reason. “Sorry, for killing the night.”

“Oh no, we had it coming. Usually Steve-O’s the reason why we get kicked outta places, this was a nice change of pace. Now we can go get wasted somewhere else!”

The two of them laughed while Daisy looked back and forth between them. Then Johnny changed the subject.

“I called cabs for everybody, so when you ladies are ready to go, there’s one with your name on it. Take you wherever you want.”

Willa looked at her friend. “¿Y ya que?”

“Pues, a dormir,” Daisy replied, feeling the sleep in her body creep in like the alcohol in her veins. With all the chaos and awkward human interactions, she was over it. “Ya me quiero ir.”

“¿Y el vato que está enfrente de ti?”

“Ladies,” said the man in question. Not a word of that was clear to him. “Look, just let me know when–”

“We’re calling it a night,” Willa cut across him, and it was that simple.

When the cabs did come, Willa insisted that she take her own, given that she and Daisy lived on opposite ends of town. While that was true, Daisy wasn’t exactly keen on taking a cab alone while she was still intoxicated. She remembered all the horror stories her mother told her about being alone and vulnerable with strange men.

And look what you’ve been doing this whole night, pendeja.

“I’ll ride with you,” Johnny offered. “We showed up here together, it’s only right I make sure you get home okay.”

That was relieving. Daisy waited up with him while all the other guys got into their own rides home, falling back into her mindless swaying with her hands behind her back. The only people left apart from Johnny were Chris and Steve-O, who had come over with the next location to wreak havoc at: a club deep in downtown LA. It didn’t really matter what time it was, they were going til they saw the sun.

Johnny looked at Daisy with a shrug. “Whaddya say, D? You comin’ along for the ride?”

“I wanna go home,” she bluntly answered, and then she noticed Chris standing across from her. She only noticed because he was watching her sway and just started doing the same thing.

“What’s happening here?” he asked with a chuckle, hands behind his back, swaying left to right.

Daisy shrugged, smiling at the movements. Rarely did someone ever do this with her in a lighthearted way. Or maybe she was getting made fun of, but it didn’t feel that way. Not this time. She was still wasted.

Johnny and Steve-O looked between the two and then at each other as if to say might as well, and then they were swaying too.

“You sure you wanna go home, D?” Johnny asked.

“Yeah, I’ve had too much to drink already and I don’t think I could handle another loud noise.” Maybe she was speaking too much now as well, because the other three were silent for a moment until the next cab showed up on the curb.

“Alright then. You guys go on without us,” Johnny said to his friends as he stopped swaying. “I’ll take Daisy home. Don’t get too ugly without me!”

Chris and Steve-O gave odd smiles and bade them both a good night before getting into their cab. Daisy was the only one left doing the repetitive movement, and she didn’t let up. She didn’t really want to.

“And then there were two.” Johnny smiled. “That friend of yours is real feisty.”

“Yeah. I met her in a K-Mart dressing room,” Daisy replied, going back to playing with the ends of her t-shirt.

He nodded, mildly amused. “Yeah?”

“Mhmm… I talked her out of buying this really ugly blouse, it was poo color.”

That was funny for some reason. “That’s rich coming from the girl who wears piss colors all the time.”

Daisy smiled fondly but continued getting to her point. “I didn’t know she was going to punch your friend in the face. I’m sorry on her behalf.”

Somehow Johnny was keeping up with her in his own drunken state. “It’s all good, sweetheart. Like I said before, somebody had to do it eventually. I’m only upset we didn’t get it on camera!”

Oh, that’s what he was referring to. Good to know.

“I really hope he didn’t offend you,” Johnny added. “Last thing I want is for you to get scared off.”

“No, it’s just that he was talking like he knew something I didn’t…?” Daisy tilted her head, unsure if she was making herself clear. “I just need people to be direct with me. I can’t do hints or, or trailed off sentences. Just doesn’t work up here.” She tapped her temple.

She was staring at the little town street for a while before turning and realizing that Johnny was looking at her. He had his hands in his pockets, and he hummed in realization.

“That explains a lot,” he said at last. “So no beating around the bush then, huh? I can do that.”

Daisy smiled softly, and then more words came out of her. “I was told you’ve been trying to hit on me this whole time. So, if it’s true, then I probably missed that too.”

Johnny grinned and averted his eyes, watching his shoes. “Good to know that the directness is returned. You don’t sugarcoat anything, do you?”

“I think I’m physically incapable of that.”

“Well, the rumors are true. I have been trying to sweet talk you all night, and for the last half hour I was thinking that I fuckin’ blew it, that Darf scared you off, or that you weren’t interested…” He paused and thought about it. “Are, are you even interested?”

Daisy’s heart was now pounding. Having to admit to all of this wasn’t exactly easy for either party, because being so forward tended to drive people away. To her, that was very stupid because playing mind games and just expecting to know what the other person wants without them telling you was extremely confusing. Wasn’t honesty the best policy or something? Isn’t that a thing people say?

That being said, having to explain her thoughts and emotions about the man standing before her to the man standing before her was making her nervous. Like Johnny said, Daisy didn’t want to scare him off nor did she want to be misunderstood. And she was drunk. This was a weird conversation.

“I don’t actually like going to bars,” she said, her swaying finally coming to a stop. “I don’t like clubs either, or parties. It’s too loud.”

“Like the audience in the bleachers,” Johnny recalled, and that made Daisy look up at him.

“You remember that?”

“Hey, I’ve taken a few blows to the head but it’s hard to forget things like that… and someone like you.” He winked.

Her head spun as she continued. “I decided to come tonight anyway, because you wanted me there. And you made me want to try. So, to answer your question, yes I am interested.” Then, bouncing on her toes, she quickly added, “In you. Romantically.”

She was now staring at everything except Johnny, who took a few steps closer to her. He said nothing, which only took Daisy by surprise when he put his hand on her cheek. She saw his face inching closer, which confused her at first. But the feeling of him cupping her cheek was utterly wonderful, it made her hold her breath, she could have kissed him. Then at the last second, Daisy realized what was happening and immediately created space between herself and him.

“I can’t.” She took one large step back and scratched at her cheek, which burned with his lingering touch.

Johnny was dumbfounded, it was the same look on his face from when they were both sixteen. But he was older, wiser, and unafraid to ask questions this time around.

“You can’t? I’m sorry, you said you were into me but you won’t let me kiss you?”

Daisy was usually good at hiding her sporadic movements and minimal skills at socializing. She was very good at presenting herself a certain way, like she knew what she was doing in life. Alcohol gets rid of that particular skill, so she was left to shake her hands down at her sides as she tried to explain herself again without scaring him off.

“I’m weird about touching and being touched,” she told him, staring at the ground. “It’s not that I don’t want you to touch me, because wow I want you to touch me and kiss me and -“ She scrunched her nose and shook her head to reboot herself. “I, I don’t let just anybody in. And we’re both drunk. Do you get it?”

She could feel him looking at her for a few silent moments. She wished she could stop shaking her hands. She wished she wouldn’t be so nervous about this messy confession. She wished it wouldn’t scare him off.

“Let me get this straight, sweetheart,” he said at last, “‘cause last I remember, I had a lot to drink too. You want me to kiss you, but you won’t let me because… you don’t want to be touched. Has someone hurt you?”

Daisy shook her head. “No…” But that would make sense, wouldn’t it? At least there would be a reason for the way she functions. “…I’m just like that.”

The next silence felt familiar. This wasn’t the first time Daisy had to explain this to somebody, and it was a difficult concept for people to grasp. Usually the silence meant that the other person was trying to find a way to let her down easy, beating around the bush as Johnny put it. Even after explaining that she needed clear intentions, she would still be getting anything but.

“Okay. I can respect that,” Johnny said with a nod.

Daisy offered a smile. No need to make him think that her feelings are hurt.

“But… just to be clear,” he went on, “I will get to kiss you eventually, correct?”

If Daisy could handle the sounds of fireworks, a million would have gone off in an instant. Her eyes lit up, and while she wasn’t brave enough to see the look on his face to make sure he wasn’t messing with her again, she did open her mouth to answer. If she sounded too excited and desperate, she could blame the alcohol.

But then a car horn went off and made her jump violently. Daisy clutched her chest as she saw the last cab waiting on the curb, giving the vehicle daggers. That was the sobriety kick she needed, even if the discomfort seeped into her bones.

Johnny thought it was the funniest thing ever, hunching over with his infectious laugh. The sound of his laughter is what made Daisy brush it off, continuing to feed her false composure. No need to tell him that big sounds are scary. She probably wasn’t going to see him again after this.

“You’re jumpy, aren’t you?” he asked, just tickled by the reaction. He didn’t even wait for her to answer. “Come on, before this guy ditches us.”

The ride home was silent, but after the shock of a lifetime Daisy was okay with it. Now that she was out of the noise, she could feel her body begin to relax with a sleep that was going to be so deep she might as well slip into a coma.

Johnny walked with her up to her apartment door, which was… really sweet of him. Daisy was almost tempted to invite him inside, but a voice in her head (oddly similar to her late mother’s) brutally reminded her that only sex happens when you invite someone in your living space at 3AM. Maybe Daisy could get herself to sleep with him, it sounded like a good idea. It sounded like a great idea. But she was well aware of what she was like after nights like that. She couldn’t let him see her that way. It would definitely scare him off, and she was determined not to let that happen here. She lost him once, she couldn’t do it again.

Daisy was digging through her tiny shorts pockets in search for her key. Somehow she managed to fit her ID, cash, some breath mints, some hair clips, and her singular apartment key on one side.

“Ay mierda,” she cursed to herself. “¿Por qué tuve que traer todo esto?”

“How come I never heard you speak Spanish before?” Johnny asked.

She looked up at him, confused. “Well, you don’t speak it, and neither did anyone in Tennessee.” Daisy finally found her little yellow key in her pocket. “Okay, got it. You can go now.”

Johnny chuckled. “Tryna get rid of me that quickly, sweetheart?”

“No…” Daisy grinned and scrunched her nose. “But I can get into my apartment by myself.”

“Okay, understood.” He paused to take a breath. “May I kiss you on the cheek, Miss Daisy?”

That was a first, being asked. How the fuck was she supposed to say no to that?

“Okay,” she said softly.

It was quick, and he even did the little mwah sound that made Daisy want to pull him in for another. But she didn’t. She held onto her composure and watched him leave for the night.

~

“Sensitive to touch, minimal eye contact,” Ruth said as she wrote on her clipboard. “Have you always been that way?”

Daisy’s eyes flickered to the older woman for just a second, surprised. “Yeah… my mom hated it.”

“I see. So what did you do after saying goodnight?”

“I locked myself inside my apartment and flapped my hands and paced around til I threw up in the kitchen sink.” Daisy didn’t feel as embarrassed talking about it these days, but she never told another soul before now. “I also passed out on the couch. He called the next afternoon to make sure I was okay.”

“Were you?”

Daisy’s shoulders shook as she chuckled. “God no. It was the first of so many hangovers. But we kept seeing each other after that.”

And if what came next wasn’t a true test of how well Daisy could keep herself composed, and for how long, she didn’t know what was.

Chapter Text

“What scares the absolute shit outta you?”

“People.”

Normally Daisy didn’t answer that question so bluntly, having gotten backlash in the past about her answer. But she had gone to breakfast-turned-day-drinking with Johnny and after the fifth mimosa that Saturday (all of which he dared her to chug), Daisy’s filter just disappeared. She was surprised it hadn’t gotten her into trouble while they were still out of the house. On top of that, she had been spending most weekends with him lately, when neither of them had work-related obligations. Most of these meetups/dates involved alcohol of some kind, making it easier for Daisy to let herself loosen up around Johnny and all of his friends.

Speaking of friends, the next time Daisy, Willa, and Dave were in the same room together, Johnny made them “kiss and makeup.” Dave apologized for the things he didn’t remember saying, promising that he didn’t have any ill intent, and even bought their first round as a peace offering. Daisy and Willa accepted the apology, but only the former would remember the feeling that very first interaction gave her. Both women avoided Darf like the plague when he came around later in the evening. Apparently he comes around a lot.

That was a few weeks ago. Today was quite different, seeing as it was only Johnny and Daisy meeting up in the morning (Daisy only panicked about it for twenty minutes - a new record.) They went to a restaurant downtown for breakfast and then settled into her Rosemead apartment in the afternoon when the weather turned into a scorcher. It was much more comfortable this way, sitting on the couch and watching a cartoon they talked about a million years ago in their history class. A coyote had run over the edge of a cliff and plummeted to the ground only after he realized how far he had gone. It still made Daisy giggle even after seeing this particular short countless times.

“Okay, but what about regular things?” Johnny pressed and he gestured to the flattened coyote on the screen. “Heights?”

Daisy shook her head. “You know what’s coming with heights. The only option is to go down. I can see why it’s spooky, Willa’s terrified of rollercoasters because of it.”

Then she focused her gaze back on the TV, but Johnny wanted to stay on the topic.

“So you like rollercoasters?”

“Love them, hate amusement parks.”

“Too… scary?”

“Too loud.”

Johnny nodded. “So loud noises scare you? I remember when the cab driver honked at us.”

Daisy thought about it. “I don’t feel fear with loud noises. Just… overwhelmed?”

“That can be classified as fear. Alright, alright-“ Johnny shifted so he was sitting cross legged facing her. “What is it about people that’s so scary?”

A question no one had ever asked before… Johnny had been pretty understanding of all these “Daisyisms” as he called it. Didn’t bat an eye at her hands shaking and waving, or the rapid, side to side wiggles when she put on the cartoon. He even told her how adorable she looked when she walked on her toes to and from the bathroom. Johnny wasn’t the first person to be okay with all of these things (that was probably Willa’s position), but he would be the first to know this part of Daisy’s brain.

“You don’t know what to expect with humans,” she told him.

“But if you see a big ass spider on the wall…” he trailed off, and when the silence went on too long he added, “what do you do?”

“Take it outside. I saw that Spider-Man movie, those things don’t scare me.” Daisy paused and giggled to herself. “Also, I used to put crickets and worms in my pocket when I was a kid. Creepy crawlers don’t freak me out.”

Johnny nodded, eyes on her. He put his arm on the back of the couch, leaning in slightly.

Daisy kept talking, mindlessly swaying from side to side. “But anyways, people like to play games, and while I can imagine how that’s fun for a lot of them, it just confuses my brain. People lie and pretend and fake things and when you have a brain like mine, you’re just made a fool of a lot of the time.” She shrugged.

“So… am I one of these scary people?” Johnny asked her.

“No, because I knew you when we were young. I know a lot of time passed and you’re different but you’re still nice to me.”

“Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”

Porque soy pendejita. I’m a fucking idiot who can’t function like a person.

Daisy merely shrugged, not realizing that Johnny had inched closer to her. “I think people see me one way and they don’t like it.”

“Well, why should you care what other people think?” Johnny asked. “Life is way too short for you to give a shit about things like that.”

That was an even more complicated answer to that question. It’s not that Daisy didn’t care and it’s not that she did. For a long time it didn’t occur to her that the way she carried herself was something that would cause odd looks and even odder questions, among other things. She was just trying to survive.

“I know,” was all she could say.

All that could be heard in the room was The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down tune. Daisy was about to get up and change the VHS to Animaniacs, but Johnny spoke again.

His voice sounded different. “Sweetheart…”

It was then that Daisy realized she hadn’t tried to meet his gaze once while they were talking. Slowly, she turned to look at him for a fleeting second. She caught a glimpse of the twinkle in his eyes, and it made her insides melt a little. But she had to make sure she wasn’t misinterpreting the situation.

“Should I not have brought up the worms?”

He breathed out a laugh. “You are cute as a button, you know that?”

Okay, her insides were melting a lot. Daisy chewed on her lips, not wanting to ruin the sweet moment with her silly hand flaps.

“I know I just told you not to care what other people think,” Johnny said, his voice dropping in tone. “But I think you’re somethin’ else, D. Haven’t you seen the way I been looking at ya?”

“I don’t look at people,” she replied, feeling her heart do funny things. “Eye contact feels like… I don’t know, it feels like I’m trapped.”

“We’re gonna have to do something about that, sweetheart. What if I want you to look at me when I…” he trailed off.

She might just pass out. Or die. The things Johnny was saying and how he said them were making Daisy’s head spin. She knew he had a very pretty face, that was part of the reason why she couldn’t look directly at him. If she had to look at his pretty face while he said these all nice things… Yeah, she might die.

“When you what?” she dared to ask.

Suddenly, his hand went under her chin to move her head towards him. With his free hand, Johnny pointed to the spot between his eyebrows, and Daisy’s brown eyes focused there.

“That’s my girl…” he mumbled, and then he was cupping her cheek. “See, it’s not eye contact, but it’s pretty damn close, and that’s good enough for me…”

Daisy’s hand flew to his wrist, and then she was paralyzed by his touch. Even though she remembered this similar move and feeling from the night at the bar, her mouth was moving before she could stop, speaking ever so gently.

“What’s happening?”

“I wanna kiss you now.”

“O-Okay…”

Johnny’s hand was warm as it curved around the back of Daisy’s neck. He pulled her in almost eagerly, their foreheads touching briefly before their lips finally connected.

Daisy felt her entire body light up with pure joy and excitement, more than she had felt in months. She wanted to shake her hands the way she always did when exciting things happened, but Johnny’s free hand went around her wrist and held it to his chest. Her other hand let go of his wrist, went down to her side, and just waved mercilessly. She couldn’t help it. Kissing him just felt so pleasant and lovely, his lips were soft and sweet, it just filled her chest up and overflowed to every part of her body.

Johnny pulled back with a smile, noticing the stimulating movement. “You don’t know how glad I am to see you do that.”

A deep blush appeared on her cheeks at the sound of his voice. So deep and charming, scratching her brain in just the right places. Daisy wiggled happily and grinned from ear to ear.

“That’s your uh… happy flappy, right?” There was a smile in his voice.

She could have squealed and flapped at that. Naming each of her Daisyisms. Giving her Daisyisms their own name. These were things Johnny was doing right, and they were things that Daisy didn’t even know were on the checklist.

“You should kiss me again,” she told him even though she was staring down at her lap.

“Yes, ma’am.”

He gently lifted her chin, Daisy’s eyes immediately closing as she felt him get closer. He kissed her much slower this time, his hands still gently cupping her cheeks, making her want to scratch at her skin because it burned and felt… amazing.

She wasn’t sure what to do with her hands, though. If they landed on Johnny’s body, she would have his yellow t-shirt in a death grip, looking far too desperate and unattractive. It was hard to just stay still long enough to let him move his hands down to her body. That’s usually how this goes, right?

Daisy broke the kiss this time, unable to stop her hands from shaking down at her sides. “Sorry…”

“That’s okay.” He smiled and put his hands up to give her space. “Just shake it out.”

“You’re way too understanding,” she said because her mask was practically gone at this point, and she was trying hard to keep it together.

“Of what?”

“Me.” She paused and glanced at him once; he was watching her little sporadic movements like he always did. Little did he know that Daisy was holding back even in that department. She wanted to hop like a bunny and flap her hands above her head and pace around the room until she calmed down before kissing him again. By the flushed look on his face, Daisy could tell that if he put his hands on her again it was going to be hard to take another break.

She’s never seen this side of Johnny. She’s heard about it prior to this thing they had going on, little flings he had in a random part of the world. What Daisy didn’t know was how long he was willing to put up with this specific journey.

“This isn’t just for shits and giggles,” Johnny said after a while. “I do like you, y’know.”

“I like you too. A lot.”

“Great, we’re into each other. We should seal it with a kiss.” He smiled before fulfilling that promise.

This time, he wrapped his arms around Daisy’s waist and leaned back, taking her with him as he lay down. It caught her by surprise, needless to say, and she practically yelped in his face, making him laugh.

“Sorry, doll. Is this okay?” he asked with a goofy grin.

Daisy nodded, dropping her head down on his chest. “Yeah… just can’t breathe…”

“You alright?”

“Yeah…” She sighed heavily, trying not to let the feeling of his hands rubbing her back and his scent of champagne and cologne overload her senses. But that didn’t last very long; Daisy sat up after a few short seconds. “You ever… you ever seen Animaniacs? I wanna watch it right now…”

“Whatever you wanna do, honey. I’ll be here.”

So they spent the rest of the afternoon watching this canceled 90s variety show. It kept Daisy distracted from her own intense feelings about the man sitting next to her. By that point, she had sobered up enough to where she was sitting still and clamping her jaw shut so as to not sing along to the cheesy little songs. She was quiet again, and Johnny noticed around dinner time.

“I haven’t scared you off, have I?”

“No.”

“You sure? You’re quieter than a church mouse.”

Daisy wasn’t sure what that meant. She only shrugged. “I would have told you to leave if I wasn’t into this.”

Apparently, that was what Johnny needed to hear. He still left the apartment, but only to make a pizza run. Daisy took the time alone to pace in the living room and flap her hands as hard as she could because how the hell does this whole entire man have an interest in someone like her? Really, Daisy couldn’t wrap her head around it. She didn’t think she was capable of landing anyone, as past experiences have shown, let alone her high school friend-turned-celebrity. 

Daisy stood in front of the window, the golden sun rays peering in and washing over her. She squinted and turned away, jumping at her shadow on the back wall. Things were certainly changing.

She always tried hard to come off as regular, someone who doesn’t do all these sporadic movements, someone who talks, someone who is just… just another person. Not once has Daisy tried to come off as a desirable, attractive woman worthy of courtship. If she knew how to flirt she would have been hitting Johnny up long ago. But he knew her, he saw her, and he understood. And he’s still picking her? He wants to be her boyfriend?

Daisy could have cried to her shadow. But Johnny had returned bearing pizza.

After eating, she found herself on the kitchen counter, legs hooked around Johnny’s waist as he feverishly kissed her. Daisy couldn’t tell you how she got here, all she knew was that Johnny’s voice dropped a little like it did before, then his hand was on her cheek for a soothing second, and then he was grabbing her thighs and effortlessly lifting her up onto the counter.

Daisy’s fingers went through his hair almost desperately, like she wasn’t sure what to do with her hands. Her heart was pounding uncomfortably hard, feeling Johnny’s hands smoothly move down her thighs. She couldn’t tell if it was the touch itself or how quickly his confidence shot up after the first kiss that was more intimidating. Before, he would kiss her slowly, testing the waters, gently holding her. Now, his tongue was tasting hers and he held her like he got to decide when he was finished with her, and it wasn’t happening anytime soon.

Daisy could only hope he would keep that energy in due time.

His shoulders were so broad, and so was his chest. Daisy couldn’t get that out of her head as she gently pushed on his chest, making him break away from her. Given how physically close they had gotten, the feeling in her pants, and the heaviness of both hers and Johnny’s breathing, Daisy needed clarification.

“Are we gonna have sex?” she asked, because there was no way for her to beat around the bush.

He shrugged, hands still on her thighs. “Well, since you brought it up—“

“I can’t do that tonight.”

There was a pause that was one second too long before he took a step back and removed himself from her completely. “That’s okay.”

“But I want to… eventually,” she reassured, making her gaze at him last a little longer. “I just…”

The corner of his mouth turned up a little bit and he quirked his brows. “You just what?”

“I don’t know how patient you are.”

That was the last thing Johnny was expecting because his face fell again. He didn’t say anything for another moment before asking, “Can you look at me?”

Daisy looked up and saw him pointing at the space above his eyes and between the brows. It was nice to see him do that, tell her where to look so she wouldn’t get anymore overwhelmed than she was about to be. Her brown eyes fell onto that spot she looked at before and she chewed on the skin of her thumb to listen to what he had to say.

“You’re my best girl, Daisy-doll,” he told her. “I just want you comfortable and happy. So whatever you say goes. Got it?”

She nodded softly as she hopped off the counter. The pet names were making her head spin, reigniting the giddiness burning in her chest.

“And besides,” Johnny added, “I’ve been waiting for this moment longer than you know. I can wait a little more. It might even be fun.” He offered a playful smile.

That new information made another fire spread inside her body. He wanted her too, this wasn’t just some silly story she made up in her head to cope with things. This was real.

Daisy took a timid step towards him, averting her eyes. She wordlessly held her hands out, palms up, and Johnny gave his. Daisy quickly moved them onto her waist, testing out the feeling. It was like when he hugged her an infinite amount of times before this. She knew this feeling.

She kissed him for much longer this time. There they stood in the middle of the kitchen, the only sounds coming from their soft gasps and mouths moving together. The initial surprise had passed, and it was just easy to kiss him. Easy, and impossible to stop.

Johnny pulled back this time after a short while. “I need to know, sweetheart. Is this gonna be your first time having sex?”

Daisy shook her head, an odd feeling forming in her stomach. She didn’t want to have this conversation yet. It would make sense that her hesitation would come from lack of experience, right? That would be an incredibly good reason to want to take things slow. But since that wasn’t the reason…

“Can I ask why we need to wait?”

She backed up against the counter, unsure how to answer him in a way that wouldn’t kill what was barely coming to life. She already used the I’m just like that excuse.

The relief that washed through her system when a phone rang in the other room was well hidden. Daisy padded out of the kitchen in search of the source of the noise. The table by the front door had the landline, and Daisy picked up the yellow phone from the receiver.

A man’s voice was on the other line, making her stomach twist in a strange way. “Hey, Daisy-girl, it’s Antonio!”

“What’s up?” she asked as she tangled the spiral cord around her fingers. She saw Johnny follow her trail out the kitchen and kept her eyes on the floor.

“Hey, is there any way you can come in tomorrow?”

“Come in where?”

“Work, duh!” Antonio laughed on the other line. “What, are you drunk or something?”

She wished she was. She didn’t want to talk to her boss longer than she needed to.

“Anyways, que piensas? A las nueve?”

“I don’t work weekends. And I don’t work in the morning either,” she told him, her voice softening.

“Well, can you try?” Antonio asked, sounding annoyed. “Willa already told me no, so it’s up to you chica! Wanna work an extra shift? You could use the hours.”

Daisy rolled her eyes. Sure, Antonio said it was up to her but he never meant it. Despite that, there was no way Daisy was going to take him up on that. Antonio worked mornings too, and she wanted to avoid that.

“No, I don’t think I do.”

“Come o—“

Daisy put the phone back in the receiver, not realizing her shoulders had tensed up until she was hunching slightly in relief. But she shot up straight again when Johnny spoke.

“Friend a’yours?”

She shook her head. “My boss wanted me to work tomorrow, but I said no.”

“You didn’t look too happy to hear from your boss,” Johnny pointed out.

Daisy shrugged. “I like my days off. Don’t want them interrupted.” And if that wasn’t an understatement, she didn’t know what was.

“I know the feeling.” He took a step closer to her, only to see her take a step back and nearly bump into the table behind her. Then Johnny sighed softly. “I should get going.”

“Why?” Daisy asked, feeling her insides go cold and heavy. She was starting to regret telling him that he had to wait. That was typically what turned people off.

“I just want to be respectful of your wishes,” he told her honestly.

Somehow that wasn’t reassuring, she’s heard that before. Daisy picked at the skin on her fingernails as she watched Johnny grab his leather jacket off the coat rack. Before he could walk out the door, Daisy stopped him by touching his arm.

“Did I just lose you?” As soon as she opened her mouth, so many words just spilled out like last night’s liquor. “It’s just that you’re not the first person to tell me you’re being respectful by leaving. I can’t help but think you’re never gonna talk to me again after this, and I know you said it wasn’t for shits and giggles, but I… I really don’t wanna be a stranger to you again.”

This just felt different. She didn’t want it to be over so soon, before anything could even begin.

Johnny looked at her, confused. Then he turned to face her, putting his hands out to place them on her shoulders only to stop himself at the last second. “May I?”

She nodded, and then felt the warm weight on her shoulders.

“You’re stuck with me,” he told her and then leaned in to plant a kiss on her cheek. “Got it?”

It was reassuring, yes…

~

“But I didn’t sleep for like, three days.” Daisy was braiding a thin strand of her hair in thought. “I guess you could say that was how I knew I loved him from the very beginning… but I really lost sleep over that.”

Ruth had been writing some things down, then she picked up her square glasses and put them on top of her head. “Love is one way to look at it. It’s a nice way to see it, actually. Does that reassure you?”

Daisy merely shrugged, waiting for this lady to hit her with whatever combination of words.

“The hesitance makes sense. You had partners in the past who wouldn’t either respect your boundaries, or leave once you set those boundaries. You are very sensitive to physical touch for reasons we’ll continue exploring, but I imagine previous partners found it to be…”

“Odd, a waste of time, a tease, stupid…” Daisy listed off the top of her head. Even after all this time, shit like that just stayed in her head. But she couldn’t remember birthdays that much anymore? Ridiculous.

Ruth tilted her head. “Can I ask, was uh…” She looked down at her notes. “Was Antonio one of those people? You seemed to tense up when you mentioned him.”

Daisy stayed quiet, choosing to braid another strand of hair.

Chapter Text

Daisy thought about her routine nowadays. It was different from how it was a few years ago. She didn’t actively decide to make changes like that, they just happened naturally without her knowing and that was why it was easier to go with the flow. There were things that remained constant, like how she made her coffee and what she ate with it. The route she took to the gym never changed for the entire time she worked there, traffic and construction be damned. The route she took to other places like the store or the office was always the same, down to which lane she drove in.

Some of those things were the same. The really big difference was that she didn’t get out as much anymore.

That’s what Ruth was looking for when she first asked. Daisy was confused at first, having taken the question too literally and listed the time she woke up and so on. But that also came into play in this session.

“So during the week I would work and workout,” Daisy explained. “And on Fridays and Saturdays I’d be with Johnny.”

“What about Sunday?” Ruth asked her.

“Sundays are for the girls.”

~

“But Pontius ain’t a girl,” Johnny said over the phone.

“Well, he is today,” Daisy replied with a shrug. She returned Willa’s amused grin across the room. “And I’ll see you tonight at his place, anyways.”

“What am I supposed to do until then?” he said, a pout in his tone.

Daisy made the classic I don’t know sound. “You’re a busy guy, you’ll find something. Anyways, I have to go now.”

To be fair, Daisy didn’t like the idea of a guy crashing Girls Day, but everyone else in her group was okay with it, making her the odd one out. A couple of weeks ago, Daisy, Willa, and the regulars from the gym ran into Chris at the mall and he sort of just let himself into the clan. Some of the other girls recognized him from TV and had no problem letting him stay. So on Sundays, he was an honorary girl. Daisy didn’t want to ruin that fun and make him leave, because he did bring a little something to the group.

Girls Day wasn’t always a group outing, though. There was a time where some of the regulars would consistently cancel, leaving Daisy feeling inexplicably rattled. Because of that, Willa took it upon herself to bring her along while running errands and doing chores. Now, if there were too many cancellations, or if Daisy or Willa weren’t in the mood to interact with others, Girls Day would be a two person party consisting of mundane activities.

Today was not one of those days. The group had lunch in the park, they took Polaroid pictures, and they went to get their nails done. Yes, Chris participated in all of that. He fit in with the girls better than Daisy did, and she tried not to think about that too much.

Another thing was that Girls Day never ended with a party, because Girls Day happened on Sundays, and Sunday nights were made for preparing for Mondays. Chris had told Daisy that it wasn’t a party, just a few friends and some drinks.

He had a lot of friends, a lot of drinks, and music bumping so loud it made Daisy’s teeth rattle. It was another thing that made Daisy internally, unreasonably angry and she quietly remained that way until she saw Johnny there, along with a shot of tequila waiting for her. Then one shot turned into four and she was far less upset. She was actually talking to people, and there were quite a few strangers who were interested in the reason why she was following Johnny around like a lost puppy.

“No, see, he used to pass me notes in class,” she explained animatedly. “Usually, he would draw a penis on a piece of paper and give it to me, which I don’t know why because he was the one getting caught by the teacher, right?”

It made Johnny as well as these other strangers laugh. Chris and Willa were upon them, and they each took turns asking questions to further this epic lore of PJ Clapp and Daisy Pineda. The latter was happy for this, it meant she was doing well and it distracted her from the music that only seemed to be getting louder.

“Why are you drawing her dicks, man?” Willa bluntly asked before taking a swig of her beer. She had more than what she normally took, wanting to bask in the last bits of Girls Day, even though the day was long over.

“The teacher would always read the notes to the class if he caught anyone,” Johnny explained as he placed an arm around Daisy, who tensed at the feeling. He didn’t acknowledge this as he continued. “I always wondered what he would say if he just saw a cock on a scrap of paper. He just threw ‘em away and gave me detention.”

More people giggled. Daisy, while painfully aware of the heat on her shoulders on top of the blaring music, remembered another thing from those days in the classroom. Her hands were in tight fists behind her back to avoid any odd movements her body wanted to do.

“There was one time where you wouldn’t give him the note,” she said, stepping to face Johnny as a subtle way to get him to stop touching her. Then she addressed the circle forming around them. “I heard him tear a piece of paper, and the teacher did too and he just went over to us and was like ‘hand it over.’”

“What was on the note, Knoxville?” Pontius asked with a wicked grin.

Johnny just scratched the back of his head with a smile.

“Yeah no, he just put it in his mouth and ate it,” Daisy said. “Teacher let him off the hook that time.”

That prompted more people to ask what was on the note, though some looked like they already knew. Strange, Daisy lived it and she never got to know. But she was enjoying the laughs and good energy coming up from this talk. It was almost enough to forget about the other things in the vicinity that were attacking her senses. If it was possible, she would be getting a good grade in social interaction.

“Ah, it was probably another peepee,” Johnny said to calm the voices. “I dunno, it was a long time ago. Can’t believe Daisy-doll remembers that.”

“Of course I remember, you were my only friend!” She smiled, and that was when it got a little quiet. Her A in social interaction immediately went down to a C-, she felt it in her bones.

Thankfully, Willa spoke up and claimed that the eaten note was one of teenage romance, and then it led to Pontius telling his own story about wooing the prom queen when he was in high school, effectively moving the attention elsewhere. Daisy could only feel relieved for a second, because then that same arm went around her again.

“Let’s get another round, doll.”

~

“I'm sorry to interrupt,” Ruth suddenly said as she held a hand up. “You refer to socializing as a class you can get a good grade in?”

Daisy hesitated. “Doesn’t everyone?”

The older woman chuckled as she adjusted her glasses. “I can’t say I’ve seen a lot of people with the same view. Anyways, my apologies, continue.”

Well now Daisy felt sheepish. She briefly explained talking with more people at this party, trying to taper off the drinks because she had to work the next day. She thinks the first bits of sobriety hit her when she, Johnny, Willa, Pontius, and Ehren got to a topic that was sensitive to Daisy and literally nobody else.

It was still early in her relationship with Johnny. The guys just wanted to know more about her. Ehren asked why Daisy and Johnny weren’t more handsy with each other in public…

~

“Because I’m a gentleman,” Johnny said with a bit of pride.

“And Daisy hates hugs,” Willa added with a giggle.

Both Ehren and Pontius lit up at that. Past experiences of moments like these made a knot form in Daisy’s stomach, and she quickly tried to save herself.

“I like hugs,” she lied with a nervous chuckle. “Everyone hugs people without asking, and I am among those people.”

“You always ask before you hold my hand,” Johnny told her, amused.

It was true, and the callout made Daisy’s cheeks burn. Sometimes she caught herself reaching for him, only to stop herself and double check if it was okay. He’d always smile and oblige, but not before telling her that she didn’t have to ask.

“Aw, that’s precious,” Willa cooed. “Years ago, I just forced her to hug me and hold my hand until she got used to it.”

That was funny for some reason, the people listening laughed. It made Daisy a little more nervous but she kept smiling. Things were going well and she couldn’t just soil it.

Then Willa came over and scooped her curly haired friend into a tight side hug. Okay, yeah. Been there, done that. Willa was generally harmless, but Daisy still felt cramped in her hold, and it showed on her face as she distastefully scrunched her nose.

Johnny looked mock offended at Daisy when she was let go. He had a hand over his chest.

“She gets to put her hands on you and I don’t?”

“I’m special,” Willa said proudly as she played with Daisy’s light brown curls.

“That’s adorable,” Ehren said before stepping back. “I’m getting another drink.”

Daisy was eighty percent certain that Johnny was just joking but it made her heart twinge a little bit. She didn’t keep her distance to make people feel bad. She wasn’t trying to hurt anybody…

…and then she did.

Before her kickboxing training, Daisy was very docile. Fragile. Her mother used the word weak a enough times . If someone invaded her space, all she would do was cry or scream. It didn’t always make the invader back off. That wasn’t what brought Daisy to self defense but that training sure came in handy. She tried to look at it like a good thing.

She wanted it to be a good thing because despite everything, she still felt every bad emotion in the world ten times over when she felt Ehren sneak up behind her and wrap his arms around her. Daisy’s body took over, elbowing him as hard as she could in the ribs and stomping on his foot. She knew she did it effectively, not only because Ehren groaned and let go, but also because the surrounding people yelled out ooohhhh! the way they did when Willa faced off with Darf.

It was like waking up from a dream as Daisy bolted out of the apartment. Her own breathing was loud in her ears, she didn’t even hear Johnny or Willa call after her. She didn’t even know where she was going. Her feet took her down the steps and out to the front of the complex, just on the curb of the street.

Then Daisy was sitting on the sidewalk, knees to her chest as she breathed rapidly. Her thoughts came over her like ice water down the back of her shirt, and she squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head.

I fucked this up. I took it too far. It was just a joke, why couldn’t I just take it as a joke? Why did I have to make it physical? Why do I keep fighting my boyfriend’s friends? Is he even my boyfriend? Why do I have to be such a baby about these things? Why can’t I do anything right? Why can’t I just be a normal person for once? Why—

“Daisy!” came Willa’s voice from a distance. She approached the girl sitting on the ground, and slowed her movements as she silently joined her on the cold cement. 

I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. Does she know I wanna go home? I need to go home.

“Hey, I’m sorry, I know I started that in there,” Willa said sympathetically. “If it helps, everyone started laughing.”

It didn’t help. It would have if Daisy didn’t feel so out of it. She didn’t know how to calm down, she could feel her chest tightening uncomfortably in a way that made her rock from side to side.

Then, Johnny joined the scene. He seemed out of breath, like he had run down here. He saw the two women on the ground and sighed as he put his hands on his hips.

“You two…” He chuckled. “There’s just no messin’ with either of you, is there?”

Willa offered a small grin. Daisy remained where she was, still rocking with her breaths coming in tiny, rapid beats.

“Hey, come on now,” Johnny said as he went to sit across from her. “Everyone got a kick outta that.” He paused, getting a closer look at her, probably seeing her the way she was for the first time. “…Daisy?”

A hand reached for her, and she instinctively flinched and curled into herself more. She just wanted to go home now. She didn’t want to be looked at or perceived in any way.

“Sweetheart, can you talk to me?” Johnny asked.

She shook her head but she wasn’t answering his question. Then she put her head down on her knees, her insides full to the brim.

“Just let her be for a minute.” Willa sighed, sadly watching her friend crumble. “She gets like this sometimes, like something just sets her off and she has to, I dunno, sit herself out for a bit?”

Johnny listened, confused. “You just let her sit there and cry? Haven’t you tried to help her at all?”

“Well, I can’t hug her because we know what’ll happen.” Willa’s voice was oddly steady, a real contrast to how she usually acted when someone tried her. “She won’t say anything—“

“You just gotta ask her—“

“She’s not gonna—“

“Shhhh!” Daisy harshly shushed, grabbing fistfuls of her hair. The sounds of their bickering didn’t help her at all. Tiny little whimpers came out of her mouth, and tears were beginning to well up in her eyes.

“Too noisy,” Willa softly told Johnny. “I wish I knew how to help her more.”

The three of them sat there on the sidewalk as the night grew darker. Johnny called a cab at some point, when he finally heard Daisy repeatedly whispering I wanna go home. He and Willa reassured her that they would be leaving shortly, all while exchanging looks with one another.

Daisy didn’t like that they both followed her into her apartment when they got there, but she didn’t know how to tell them to leave. All she wanted was to be alone now and hide under a heap of blankets, but Johnny and Willa remained persistent. She didn’t know about the former, but the latter was always this way. That was why Daisy kept her around, she certainly wasn’t going to tell her only real friend to leave. But having Johnny see her like this only a mere week after proclaiming their interest in one another was more embarrassing than anything else. She didn’t know what to expect with him, and that made her panic even more.

“We’ll be here,” Willa called as she watched Daisy speed down the hall into her room.

This was usually the time where Daisy would cry until she exhausted herself, but she kept moving, desperate to remove the physical discomfort on her body. She shut her bedroom door and began to strip down, kicking off her shoes and frantically removing her leggings. The material was something she could usually tolerate (it was better than denim anyways), but she had reached her limit much earlier in the day. The soft cotton of her sleep shorts brought a smidge of comfort when she had them on, but then she became very aware of the makeup sitting on her face.

Upon stepping out of her room, she heard their voices in the living room and paused her tracks to the bathroom.

“She would never even think about putting herself in these situations before you came along,” Willa said in a scarily calm voice.

“So this is my fault?” Johnny replied.

Daisy shook her head and went into the bathroom. She didn’t have the energy to try to derail whatever argument was going to happen there. Instead, she just put her head in the sink and scrubbed her face until the cakey feeling was gone. During that time, some of her rational brain started to peek through.

She was probably going to have to apologize to Ehren next time she saw him.

The first word to come out of her after this very long hour was a soft, “Fuck.” Daisy dried off her face and then took her moisturizer out from the cabinet only to decide that the slick substance would not help her eggshell mentality. She put it back and then clutched the ends of the sink counter, thinking through the noise in her head.

Yeah… yeah, she took it too far. She could have just laughed it off instead of making things violent… right? Maybe she could have tried harder to resist the urge she gave into. Maybe she could have tried harder to explain to Willa and Johnny why she had to leave so suddenly. Did she have any control over these things? No, but her mother used to frequently tell her that there was always something you could do. She couldn’t just stand there like a pathetic waste.

Daisy sank down to the floor as she thought about what Natalia would say about this. She might be proud that Daisy defended herself, sure. But that would be overshadowed by little criticisms. Eso es lo qué pasa cuando te pones peda. Eso es lo qué pasa cuando te vistes así. No sé porque estás chillando, lo hiciste a ti mismo. Things that were true, but didn’t make Daisy feel any better. If anything she just reaffirmed that she was overreacting.

Several minutes and punches to the thigh later, Daisy left the bathroom only to discover there were still voices in the living room. She couldn’t believe that Willa and Johnny were still here. She wasn’t even sure she had the energy to tell them to leave, much less talk to them.

“Hey, we’re in the same boat here,” Johnny was saying. “I didn’t like the Darf thing anymore than you did. But at least you had the guts to shut his mouth. Gave him a real shiner, too.”

Daisy took a couple of timid steps towards the living room. Neither of its inhabitants could see her yet.

“Well… don’t you just wanna pummel anyone who makes her feel like that?” Willa asked.

“Oh, I do, believe you me. Heard her on the phone the other day and just… she was really tense. Wanted to ask what was wrong but…”

“She won’t say it, huh? Yeah, she suffers in silence.”

“And you just let her?”

“Are we really gonna do this again?” Willa chuckled.

Daisy took that opportunity to make herself known. She didn’t look at either person as she padded over to the couch where they sat. All she did was stand there.

“Hey, doll,” Johnny greeted. “How ya feelin’?”

Honestly, she didn’t know how to answer that. She shrugged.

“Can we talk about what happened?” Willa asked.

Thinking about it again made tears form in Daisy’s eyes. Both Johnny and Willa beckoned her to the couch, and she only dealt with the snug space because her body was tired. She was tired. She didn’t say anything, so Johnny filled the silence.

“They’re laughing about it now, I promise you that. Hell, I bet Pontius just adores you now.”

Daisy breathed out through her nose and wiped at her eyes. She swallowed hard before finally speaking. “It was supposed to be funny, right? Ehren grabbing me was supposed to make somebody laugh?”

“Sorta,” Johnny told her with a roll of his eyes. “Wouldn’t have been funny at all if you hadn’t stuck it to him.”

“So why am I not laughing…?” Daisy’s voice wavered a little and she sucked in a breath to quiet herself.

“Oh, sweetheart…”

Johnny reached for her hand, but Daisy leaned away from him. Before things could take another turn, Willa took the chance to speak.

“Because you didn’t - and don’t - like things like that. You were trying to establish a boundary and he, as well as I, crossed it. And I’m sorry for that.”

Still, Daisy shouldn’t have been so emotional about it. She shouldn’t have been denying Johnny’s attempts to comfort her. It shouldn’t feel this intense, she was supposed to be better at holding it together.

“Alright, I need to know,” Johnny said to Willa after a quiet moment, “how come she didn’t punch you?”

“I know her well,” Daisy answered for her. “And I saw her coming. Ehren surprised me.”

“Well, he ain’t gonna be doing that again. Not only because I’m gonna tell him that, but because you really made it real clear not to fuck with you.”

Maybe that was supposed to be reassuring or empowering, but Daisy cringed at the flashback. She buried her face in her hands for a moment, letting more tears leak out of her eyes, humiliation and a whole lot of shit washing over her again.

She groaned and then sat up again. “You know what’s really annoying? I’m probably gonna have to apologize for elbowing him in the ribs.”

“Well—“

“No,” Willa piped up. “¿Por qué quieres hacer eso?”

“Pues no quiero, pero tengo que hacerlo,” Daisy replied, lying her head back on the couch.

“No tienes que hacer nada. Ese güey se lo merecía.”

Johnny cleared his throat, grabbing their attention. “Ladies, as much as I’d love to try and guess what you’re saying…”

“Sorry,” Willa told him.

“I took it too far, right?” Daisy asked, bringing a shaky hand up to the side of her head. “It was supposed to be a joke and I made it physical, so I’m the bad guy, right?”

“No, why would you think that?” Johnny asked.

“It’s not the first time…” She sighed and folded her arms, disgruntled. “Remember in high school when that girl was beating your ass? I’m the one that got suspended and all I did was pour milk on her.”

“But you got un-suspended, right? Didn’t your mom go and talk to the principal or somethin’?”

“That's not the point…” Daisy wanted to cry all over again. Was it really that hard to understand, or was she really overreacting?

Willa watched her friend with a certain look in her eyes. She had another example at the ready. “Or when you told Antonio to back off and he made you feel like shit… and moved you to the closing shift.”

Daisy finally looked up at her, eyes wide. She hadn’t brought that up with the other person in the room, and she wasn't sure if she was going to. But now she had to, if not tonight, then at another time.

“Who? The guy you were on the phone with?” Johnny asked as he nudged the girl next to him only to regret it as she flinched. “Sorry, I’m sorry, doll…”

“I don’t wanna get into it…” she told him, rubbing the spot on her upper arm where his hand brushed against her. “Look, I’m really tired, I just wanna go to bed.”

~

“And to bed I went…”

Ruth was writing. She popped her head up to ask about certain details to note them down correctly, the silence following made Daisy shake her leg. Talking about the experience made some of the old anxiety return, despite the fact that she and Ehren were on good terms now. They always were. Still, an involuntary sigh came out of her mouth.

“That's good,” Ruth commented, eyes still on her clipboard. “Breathe for a moment, it helps.”

Daisy took in another deep breath, clearing her mind a little more.

“So, setting boundaries has been troublesome,” Ruth said. “It’s quite common with people, the reverse psychology takes over; you tell them not to do something and it makes them want to do it. That doesn't make it any less frustrating when someone tries to cross your boundaries, right?”

“Mhm…” Daisy hummed, eyes moving around the office. “I have no other way of putting this, but it annoys the fuck out of me.” She quickly put her hand over her mouth. “I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to swear.”

Ruth smiled. “Oh, that’s alright. You're free to say anything you want. So why is it annoying?”

“Because I wasn’t being taken seriously. That time at the party, or that time in high school, or that time at work… I literally have to fight my way out all the time.”

“That just means that you know how to stand your ground, and that’s a very good quality to have.”

It wasn’t the first time Daisy was told that. She understood that it was supposed to make her feel better, but here she was feeling almost worse.

“I don’t have it in me to fight anymore,” she admitted, defeat in her voice. “If someone crossed me right now, I think I’d just take it. I just wanna be heard without yelling or making a scene that results in me being a buzzkill or a bitch.”

Ruth sat up a little straighter. “That’s why you’ve been isolating yourself, isn’t it?”

Daisy nodded. “I can’t fight and I can’t handle another blow. So I’m just staying at home.”

“Are you isolating from PJ too?”

“I… I guess so.” That was a whole other therapy session.

“Okay. And for the record, you are neither of those things you said. You are a very strong woman.”

Ruth ended the session with advice to “rest up, go easy on yourself, and leave the heavy emotions here in this office.” Daisy left feeling quite empty.

She got back into her car and sighed heavily, feeling like she aged another ten years in the last hour. Unpacking that last story shouldn’t have made her feel so shitty, it happened a long time ago. Why did she have to hold such a grudge?

Daisy scrunched her nose and shook her head before pulling down the sunshade, only to be met by a photo that had been attached there, and it made her heart ache as she reached for it. Looking at this photo of herself and PJ, the aviators he had on and the frizzy curls she was sporting, it was easy to tell that this was taken around the same time that last story she told Ruth took place.

She didn’t get to explain how that night ended. It wasn't exactly relevant to the session, but it still came to mind.

~

Willa already said her goodnight and left, but not before asking four or five times if Daisy would be okay on her own. She had also reassured her that she did nothing wrong, whether or not Daisy believed it was another thing entirely.

“Guess I should be heading off too,” Johnny said after the front door was shut. He and Daisy were standing by the door, a reasonable distance apart. However, he reached for her hand once again. “May I?”

She hesitated, but if there was anything she learned during her short time with him, it was that she liked one specific touch. Daisy took his hand and a step forward, placing it on her cheek. She still averted her eyes, but she knew she was starting to feel okay again because the touch made her feel one percent more alive again.

Johnny smiled softly, rubbing her cheek with his thumb. “I just want you to know, I know you don’t like people touchin’ ya, but you never have to ask if you can put your hands on me, alright?”

That string of words still felt very new. Daisy usually got questions as to why she would ask at all, which was another thing about people that confused her. But she didn’t have the energy to dwell on it. All she could think about was that string of words, and how they made her want to weep with relief and joy.

“Mhm.” She nodded.

“I mean it, sweetheart,” he told her, leaning in a little closer. “I’m all yours, you hear me?”

Instinctively, Daisy leaned back, still fragile. Johnny moved as well, but still cupped her cheek.

“Sorry, need to get used to that. Don’t wanna run into that solid right hook again,” he joked.

If it was any other night - literally any other night, Daisy would have asked him to stay. She couldn’t help that she wanted to be alone, she wanted him to hold her until she felt like a person again. She wanted to hear his voice talk at her about nothing. She wanted his hand cupping her face at all times. She needed this to work out.

“I can get used to you,” she said softly. “I just don’t have the energy to do it right now.”

Johnny chuckled. “Always so blunt, aren’t ya? That’s what I like about you, Daisy-doll. That, and you’re tough as nails.”

Ah, that sweet little nickname. It made her feel things in an extreme manner. Then again, what else is new? 

“I don’t feel tough…” she mumbled. “I cry because people touch me.” And she cries because lights are too loud, and she rocks back and forth because she doesn’t know how to be normal.

“Hey, you showed him. And you showed that girl from high school. And I bet you showed that boss a’yours too,” Johnny reassured. “And you made it out alive. You’re alright, lady.”

Daisy really had to get him out of here before she started tearing up again. She allowed Johnny a single forehead kiss before finally saying goodnight. As soon as he was gone, Daisy missed the feeling of his hand cupping her cheek like it was the absence of a vital appendage.

Chapter Text

Daisy did her own reflection when she wasn’t in Ruth's office. All this talk of her own life mixed with the extended time alone left her thinking about all of the actions and choices she has made in the last few years. What could she have done differently, who she could have spoken to, what steps she could have taken to prevent feeling the way she does now. It all linked back to things that took place before Johnny entered her life… the first time.

Being so stuck in her own mind palace was overwhelming sometimes, Daisy would sit in the empty bathtub and stare at the white ceiling sometimes. Other times she would stand inside the walk-in closet and look through her clothes, his clothes, their belongings. She even went to the extent of sorting their clothes by color, leaving a satisfying rainbow gradient across the clothing rack. It made her miss him, and for a second, Daisy debated going to search for her cell, but her foot accidentally kicked a cardboard box on the ground.

Her old kickboxing gear was inside, mixed in with an assortment of little mementoes. Movie ticket stubs to Jackass: The Movie , old VIP passes to the premiere of Jackass Number Two , some Polaroid pictures of Johnny and Daisy mixed in with a lot of strangers she had no recollection of meeting. And at the very bottom of the box, an old rose pin.

~

Daisy was tense the moment she arrived for her shift at the gym. She looked around the lobby carefully, only seeing people training in the ring on the dojo side and the gym regulars on the other. She didn’t even greet Willa, who was sitting at the reception desk and gathering her things to leave for the day.

“You look like you stole something,” Willa told her. “Cálmate mija. I gave you the heads up so you wouldn’t be so nervous.”

Daisy said nothing as she went around behind the desk, setting her backpack and water bottle down next to her friend’s purse. She wasn’t nervous, just cautious. She had to stay vigilant today, quiet even. Invisible. That was easy for her. What really upset her was that she usually used the gym after hours on this day, but that plan had to be canceled.

Willa got up from the office chair and grabbed her purse, slinging it on her shoulder. “Just remember, you only have to deal with this fool for today. Call me if you need anything.”

She left Daisy with those words, going to the office in the back to clock out. Before Daisy could let the anxiety get the better of her, the phone rang and she occupied herself with that. She was alone at the desk for the first two hours of her shift, not many people were coming in today. She didn’t see some of the regulars/Girls Day attendees until later in the day, and that was if any of them decided to show up today.

When the boss man finally showed himself, he made Daisy jump while she was on the phone.

“Y la chona se mueve, y la gente le grita!” Antonio sang in a loud, obnoxious tone. “No hay mejor que la chona, para la quebradita!”

Daisy shot him a look before tending to the guest on the phone, apologizing for the disruption. She saw Antonio come around to the front of the desk, watching and waiting for her to be done. When she finally hung up, she braced herself.

“Someone’s not uniform,” he told her in a singsong voice.

She looked down at her blue polo shirt with the gym’s name on it. That was the only uniform requirement. It was free of wrinkles and stains, and she had her name tag on.

“What are you talking about?” she asked, voice flat.

“That little… what is it? A flower?” Antonio pointed to the spot where there would normally be buttons.

It was strange that the mens’ uniforms had buttons but the womens’ ones didn’t. Daisy didn’t like it one bit, it was cut too low and the collar was always loose, despite the shirt being her size. There was just a little too much exposed chest, so she resolved it by putting a pin where the buttons normally would go. It was never a problem because the uniform wasn’t typically this enforced (and what was the point of uniforms if that was the case?) and Antonio usually wasn’t around to see it.

“I don’t want people looking down my shirt,” she told him, her hand coming up to touch the rose pin.

“No one does that,” Antonio impatiently told her. “You’re covered by most of this desk, they won’t even see you.”

“I have to stand when a guest comes, and they see—“

“Look, pins and buttons aren’t allowed. That’s the rule.”

If it was a supervisor, or another coworker, or simply someone who was nice, Daisy would have next to no problem about obligating. It was a rule, a rule that was never enforced, but a rule nonetheless. Despite that, she couldn’t help but feel all sorts of suspicious over Antonio telling her this, and she couldn’t pinpoint why she felt this way.

“Can you at least order shirts that have buttons?” she asked as she removed the flower pin.

“Too expensive,” he dismissed. “Anyways, you’re gonna help me clean off the equipment when we close.”

Daisy raised an eyebrow. “That’s your job today, isn’t it? I close the reception desk and you lock up.”

“It’s our job. We’re supposed to be a team.” He smiled, his teeth pearly white and annoying to look at.

He never brought up teamwork. He never cared about that. He was just being lazy and didn’t want to do his job. Daisy already experienced this several times in the past, doing these favors for him in the hopes of getting whatever it was she wanted from him. To say she was over it would be an understatement.

“I have something to do after work, so I can’t,” she said, and it was true. She had a six foot boy from Tennessee to meet with. It wasn’t every day during the week that she would see him, and while it did rattle her a bit, she would take any chance she could to see him for any amount of time.

Antonio furrowed his bushy brows and tilted his head. “You never have shit to do.”

“Well, I do today. Sorry.” No she wasn’t. That was just a thing people say to try to undo their wrongdoings.

While Antonio didn’t try to convince her to stay late, he did complain about the amount of work he had to do every so often. The whole schtick just reminded Daisy of her dead mom, who would always pull the woe is me card to get her to do well, almost anything. Thinking of her mother made Daisy’s heart break. Not a lot, but enough to keep her biting at her thumbs.

On top of that, the next old greasy man that walked in had no problem with leaning forward on the desk and peering at the cleavage coming from Daisy’s top before giving her a wink and smile that made her stomach hurt.

When her shift ended, Daisy didn’t look back as she left the building. Technically when she was clocked out she didn’t owe anyone anything, so she didn’t stop to listen to Antonio bitch about having to do everything himself.

It was a stranger day than most. Daisy was wiped by the time she got home. She checked the clock on the wall as soon as she stepped through the front door. There was some time before she had to go meet Johnny.

After changing into more comfortable clothes, she crawled under her comforter, and then grabbed her blue Tinkerbell blanket to bring it to her nose. A deep breath came out of her as the stresses of her day began to fade. Her eyes fluttered shut, and it was only a second before she heard knocking on the front door.

The next sigh that came out of her was one of frustration as she pushed her comfort items away to roll out of bed, practically swim through the piles of clothes on the floor, and make her way out of her room. The knocking was persistent, making her more aggravated as she sped down the hallway, if anything to get the noise to stop. She took one look in the peephole to see who needed her attention so badly, only for her stomach to turn at the fishbowl sight of PJ Clapp waiting on the other side.

In an instant, Daisy answered the door and smiled sympathetically. “Hi…”

“Sweetheart, I’ve been calling you,” he replied, eyes going down her body quickly. “Didn’t forget about me, did ya?”

She wasn’t supposed to see him until later that night. Or so she thought. Daisy looked at the Kit Cat clock on the wall and saw the time. It was well after nine o’clock, well over an hour after she was supposed to see him. Four hours since she got home. That blink wasn’t a blink, it was a deep sleep.

“I’m sorry,” she told him sincerely, bringing a hand to her forehead. “I wanted to nap a little bit before you got here and…”

“You slipped into a coma,” he finished for her. “I got it. Well, I’m here now and the night is still young. We can hang out here if you’d like.”

The plan was to go out for dinner. Daisy’s secret plan was to hop up on red wine in order to relax and be less of what she was now. She was nervous, trying not to hit herself in the head, and trying not to stare.

Maybe she was just infatuated but Johnny looked good in that leather jacket/Woody Woodpecker t-shirt combo. He looked really good. The last thing Daisy wanted to do was turn him away. She did plan to see him tonight, just not when they were alone in her apartment. She wasn’t going to turn him away.

Johnny sat on the couch while Daisy somewhat hurriedly ran around the apartment trying to clean up the tiny messes. Abandoned water cups were promptly removed from the coffee table, empty popcorn bags were cleared from the kitchen counter, it was similar to a walk of shame. God forbid she lets him see her bedroom.

“Sorry for uh, not being dressed or prepared,” she said as she paced around looking for more things to clean up.

“I take it you had a long day at the office?” Johnny replied.

“Kind of…” Daisy sighed, padding over to the couch. “Just stupid things, it’s not a big deal.”

“Yeah? Your boss giving you flack?”

She wasn’t going to talk about her day, not in detail. There were too many little annoyances that she was fussing about, too many things that add up and kill the mood. Daisy didn’t want to come off as a whiner, especially knowing that Johnny was ten times more busy and tired than she was… and he still made the time to come find her when she accidentally stood him up.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle,” she finally said, because it was true. (Just ignore the part about the four hour nap, she did that a lot.)

“Well, c’mere I wanna hear about it.” Johnny patted the space next to him, surprising Daisy once again.

Why was it easy to listen to him? Daisy found herself moving around the couch and sitting next to him. She unloaded the stressors of her day, while Johnny listened and asked questions. He was particularly interested in one part she skirted over, and brought the subject back around to it.

“What’s your deal with that boss man?” he asked, putting his arm on the back of the couch, practically extending it towards Daisy. “You’re always so tense when you bring him up, and then you don’t wanna talk about it. Look at you, you’re even doing your little dance.”

Daisy hadn’t realized she was rocking from side to side until she had stilled in shock. The way he was able to clock her just paralyzed her in her seat. He was observant, and not afraid to speak about it.

“Is he an ex-boyfriend?” Johnny asked when the silence stretched too long. “‘S okay if he is. I’m just wondering.”

“He’s not,” Daisy replied simply.

“One night stand?”

She shook her head. “You have to hook up with them for it to be a one night stand.” She paused and gestured like she wanted to explain, but it was hard for her to put it coherently. “He wanted - no, we wanted to, it just - we, uh…”

Johnny seemed amused by this. “What, he couldn’t get it up til you started playing Wham?”

That made Daisy giggle. It also made her wish something awkward like that happened so at least she would have an entertaining story to tell. The real story always came out sadder than anticipated, and the last things Daisy wanted were pity and to make Johnny feel some kind of way.

“He’s just not nice, that’s it,” she concluded.

“Did he hurt you or somethin’?”

“No.”

“Oh right. I forget you do all the hurting.”

Daisy’s mouth fell open, genuinely surprised and beginning to rethink every interaction she’s had with Johnny in these last couple of months. “Have I hurt you?”

“Yeah,” he answered without missing a beat. “When we met in the gym and you gave it to me in the ring.”

A sigh of relief came out of her. “Fuck, I thought you meant emotionally. I try to be careful with how I talk because I know sometimes I just say it like it is and it upsets some people, I just, I wasn’t sure if I ever said anything that you didn’t like—“

Johnny held a hand up to stop her, half amused and half sympathetic. “Hey, it’s okay Daisy-doll. You haven’t done anything wrong, I actually like that you’re so straightforward. You cut the bullshit, and Lord knows I need to be put in my place sometimes.”

Daisy smiled softly, even though she wasn’t sure how to take that. It wasn’t that Johnny had personally given her a reason to not trust him - the mildly thrilling feeling of danger he came with aside - it was just all of Daisy’s past experiences coming back to haunt her. She had been told nice things like that before, only for it to come back and bite her later.

But she also knew better than to just dump all of that onto him. It was too soon, and she was trying very hard to keep him around.

Instead, she changed the subject and asked if he wanted to see a movie. They ordered Chinese takeout and that was their date night. It ended up feeling much better than being out in a crowded restaurant. After they ate, Johnny pushed the coffee table towards the couch so he and Daisy could kick their feet up, and Daisy grabbed the comforter from her bedroom to drape over them.

You’d think they would be cuddling. Right? That’s what lovesick, honeymoon-stricken couples do. They’re unable to keep their bodies off of each other, but this couple had a pretty sizable gap between them as they sat on the couch. Daisy knew that Johnny wanted to touch her, and it’s not that she didn’t want him to. She could see it now as she remembered the movements he did before. His arm was on the back of the couch and he would glance at her every so often. If they bantered about a certain scene in the movie, Johnny would move an inch closer.

But he remembered what she told him too. Be direct. This girl can’t take a hint.

“C’mere,” he said, waving her over. “Be with me.”

She scooted closer next to him, hoping that she would magically relax under his touch, or get distracted by the movie, but the moment his arm rested around her shoulders, the feeling of his thigh touching hers…

“You are tense,” Johnny observed as he looked down at her. “You okay, sweetheart?”

Daisy nodded and sighed, but it didn’t relax her body. “Not used to this. Just need time.”

“Alright… should I give you space, then?”

“No.” She’s been in this place before, a part of her was expecting him to be upset over her apprehension, and she needed to curb it as soon as possible. “Think of it like… the idea of someone as pretty as you wanting to be this close to me is, uh… making my head explode.”

That was the nice way of putting it. But it was true, so extremely true, on top of Daisy’s sensitivity to physical touch from any given person. The fact that this wasn’t just any person only increased that sensitivity, and Daisy was willing to expose herself to it if it meant that this very pretty person would stay.

“Aw, Daisy…” Johnny chuckled as he humbly waved it off. “You really think I’m pretty?”

“Yeah… I’ve always thought you were pretty.”

She scrunched her nose as he leaned in to leave a quick kiss on her temple.

“I always thought you were pretty too,” he told her.

Her eyes widened slightly at the TV. As much as that made Daisy blush, she couldn’t stop herself from picking that apart. There was no way, no way in hell…

“No…” she said in disbelief. “No you don’t.”

Johnny looked at her, surprised and amused. “What are you talkin’ about? Yes I do. I spent all that time with you in school. Hell, I tried to ask you to prom!”

That was even more shocking. Daisy even turned to meet his gaze for a fleeting second. “When?”

“I think it was right before you moved,” he explained. “We made plans to go to more school things together, and that was my way of asking. Of course, at the time I didn’t know I had to be blunt about it, and Lord knows I was too nervous to do it anyways… You look confused.”

It showed on her face. Yes, Daisy remembered those vague plans for their last year of high school. She remembered feeling scared about those plans, despite them being months and months away. She remembered wanting to warm up to the idea if it meant PJ was going to be there with her. But even at 17, she knew how to be realistic.

“Because you’re you, and I’m me,” she said.

“Okay?” Johnny replied, clearly not understanding.

“You had so many friends,” she explained. “You were on the baseball team, no? You were loud enough for people to be constantly watching you. And didn’t you have a girlfriend at some point?"

Johnny shrugged. “Yeah, and then I dumped her because I had a crush on someone else.” He smiled as he looked at Daisy, and then he clarified. “You.”

It still didn’t process in her head. She barely understood his attraction to her now. It did make her feel a smidge more alive, but still.

All Daisy could do was reach for his hand that was resting on her shoulder. She smiled softly as she interlaced their fingers, not knowing what questions to ask, only a single request coming forward.

“You should kiss me now.”

Johnny smiled. “Yes ma’am.”

He brought her closer and kept his arm around her. Their lips met in a sweet way, just a little peck at first. But then Johnny shifted and placed his hand on Daisy’s cheek, deepening the kiss with a tilt of her head. The urge to flap her hands was mighty, but Daisy didn’t want to interrupt this moment with her stupid movements. She hesitantly placed her hands on Johnny’s chest, heart racing once she remembered how broad he was. Suddenly she wanted her hands all over his body, but she didn’t know what was okay and what wasn’t.

Somehow he could feel her hesitation, but he didn’t pull away from her as he took her hands and placed them on his shoulders. From there, Daisy naturally let her arms wrap around his form, her fingers tightening into fists to cope with the lights going off inside her body. Hearts might as well have been floating around her head like some lovesick cartoon character.

Before she knew it, Johnny was leaning forward even more and sliding a hand down to Daisy’s thigh. His hand felt hot and left a trail of fire on her skin, making her tense slightly, but he wasn’t paying attention anymore. She broke their mouths apart, trying to create space, and Johnny closed the gap between them, moving in until Daisy was laying down on the couch. Johnny captured her lips again and tasted her tongue, his hands moving up her body.

She needed to speak, but even if she didn’t have his tongue in her mouth it was going to be difficult. Slowly, hesitantly, Daisy removed her hands from Johnny’s shoulders and turned her head slightly to break the kiss. All he did was kiss her cheek while a hand went up her shirt.

“What's this?” he asked in that deliciously low voice as his thumb trailed across a noticeable scar on Daisy’s torso.

While the surgery behind that scar was a thrilling tale that would definitely add to the sexual nature of this moment, Daisy couldn’t answer. It was like her ability to speak was shot and she had to work extra hard to utilize it. She mouthed the words, silent at first until her short breathing caught it.

“Say that again?” Johnny asked as he tore his eyes away from the little bit of exposed skin under Daisy’s t-shirt.

“Can’t breathe…” she whispered, her chest heaving slightly.

“Oh.”

Johnny sat up, creating the space that Daisy needed. She remained there on her back, catching her breath in big, heavy waves. What felt different from other experiences was that she still wanted to kiss him.

“Talk to me honey, you okay?”

Daisy breathed out another sigh, her brain still sporadic and soupy. “I lost my appendix a few years ago. That’s what that scar is.”

“What, did you lose it in the war or somethin’?”

“The war on appendicitis.”

The fact that Johnny laughed at that made Daisy smile. She was okay, she wasn’t losing herself in her silly little emotions again. There was a little hope surging, that even if she did lose herself, she wouldn’t lose him. Still wasn’t going to risk it, though, especially at the tone of his voice when he spoke again.

“Is this ever going to happen for us?”

Daisy sat up, confused. “Is—“

Johnny quickly elaborated. “Sex. Is it on the table? You need to tell me now.”

Discarding that last thought, Daisy looked down at her lap. Honestly, it was a valid question. “I would like it to happen… I just can’t rush into it.” And she braced herself for an angry remark, or for him to leave. Call her a prude, be mean, anything.

“Okay,” he said at last. “As long as you want it too.”

“Really?” Daisy was genuinely surprised. “That, that’s it? You’re… you’re okay with going slow? Because whatever you think of as ‘slow’ is slower than that, y’know.”

Johnny shrugged. “Like I told you before, I want you to be comfortable, and it’ll be fun having to work up to it.”

She stared, which says a lot about her because she never stares. And she had to ask again because holy shit. “You’re seriously okay with this?”

“Yes ma’am.”

She nodded to acknowledge his words, unsure what to say now. The truth is that Daisy never had a partner be so willing to wait, much less be nice about it. She was still cautious, no doubt about it, but she couldn’t help the rush of sudden want for this man. He was being respectful. He was asking questions, for clarity and not to belittle her. Why is that so fucking hot?

“Can I kiss you?” she asked, trying to keep the desperation on her tone.

“How many times do I gotta tell you to stop asking and just do it?” Johnny replied with a smirk.

“Is that a yes?”

“It’s a hell yes.”

That was all they did for a while, as juvenile as it was. Daisy tried hard not to get too comfortable with a daily make out session, because this was just a stop in the journey. She focused more on the feeling of Johnny’s hands on her body, and how the feeling went from slow and borderline hesitant to certain and eager.

It took a couple of weeks for Daisy to realize that she relaxed more if some other sense was occupied. She was straddling Johnny on the couch, her arms on his shoulders as he kissed her neck, and her hands had landed on the fleece blanket hanging behind him. The sensation was almost like a pleasant shock that grounded her, because another thing that Daisy noticed was how spacey she felt if things got particularly hot and heavy. The same type of relief came from playing with Johnny’s hair, or the smell of his cologne. It helped distract Daisy from the overwhelming feeling of his hands on her ass and other places.

Johnny also got into the habit of asking questions, and Daisy did the same. What were they into? What was completely off limits? What were past experiences like? How will they communicate if something feels wrong and vice versa?

All this talk and anticipation even motivated Daisy to finally clean her room, just in case things took a turn. Okay, it was mostly to keep her busy when she wasn’t around Johnny, but it got the job done anyways. She wasn’t expecting to go all the way until she decided. Johnny had told her that the choice was hers, and he would be there.

As relieving as that was, it was also frustrating at the same time. Neither Daisy nor Johnny spent the night at each other’s places, so there were a lot of late night drives to and from opposite ends of Los Angeles. That part wasn’t too bothersome for Daisy; she had spent more nights away from Johnny than not, and there was a part of her that preferred it that way. Besides, she knew how to take care of things if she thought about him too much when she was on her own.

Johnny was surprisingly beside himself when he discovered this. He had asked her how she was able to wait without a problem because apparently he was at the point where even just looking at her ass or tits got him hot and bothered.

“I have my left hand…” Daisy trailed off, timid all of a sudden. She hesitated before adding, “And a toy…”

“A toy,” Johnny echoed, a smirk forming on his face. 

Her face turned hot immediately at his tone.

His eyes widened and practically twinkled. Hell, he flushed as much as Daisy did and adjusted his seat on the couch, sitting up and leaning closer to her. “Shit…”

Johnny ran a hand over his face, he has never been this visibly flustered before. Not in front of her, at least. His mouth was open like he had plenty to say, but he remembered who exactly he was with and what the deal was. “Daisy-doll, I wanna know so much more, but I won’t be able to help myself if I do.”

Her heart was pounding in her chest, speechless. She was looking at all of him, his pink cheeks, the aversion of his eyes, the way he sighed as he got up off the couch. But her heart nearly stopped at his next words.

“I really should go.”

Daisy wanted to say no, he should stay. He had to stay and never leave. But she knew as well as he did what would happen, and it would be too much too soon. It was just another frustrating thing about Daisy The Overly Sensitive Crybaby. This couldn’t be quick and dirty like the images in her mind played in the late hours of the night.

The funny thing is, the idea of Johnny leaving tonight for her sanity made Daisy want to cry too. Yes, she had a toy and it took the edge off most of the time, but who do you think was the one making her need the toy in the first place? Who’s dick was it she imagined going down on as she—

“I can-“ she said suddenly, making Johnny stop in his tracks on his way to the door. She got up and stared at the floor, playing with the ends of her hair. “I’ll uh - I can go down on you.”

Johnny turned back to face her and took a step closer. “The answer is yes, but… are you sure?”

“It doesn’t require you to touch me, and I, I wanna…” she said softly, still staring at the carpet until she saw his black Chucks in front of her feet.

“You wanna…?” he repeated.

She could feel his nose just barely brushing her hairline, sending sparks down her entire body. His hands went up like he wanted to caress her, but he already knew better than to just manhandle her without asking first.

“Sweetheart… you gotta say the word.”

The second Daisy spoke, Johnny’s body was pressed up on hers, guiding her back into the nearest wall. He kissed her with white hot fervor, arms sliding around her waist and pulling her in as if she wasn’t already close enough.

She moaned into his mouth, unsure if it was because of the tight space or the way he felt in her space. In the back of her mind, Daisy was certain she would never let another person in like this. Johnny knew her, he took the time to figure out what she was okay with, he wanted her to enjoy it too. He wanted her.

That was why he pulled back not long after holding her against the wall, when he felt her back tense. His large hand went up to touch her cheek, making Daisy hold his wrist and lean into the touch. It was another thing that proved to ground her, and she relaxed a little bit more.

“You really want this?” Johnny asked, voice low and so fucking hot.

Daisy nodded, too engrossed in his hand cupping her face until he shifted to tilt her head up so she couldn’t look away from his mouth.

“Say the word…”

“Yes,” she breathed as she took his hand from her face and led him to her room.

The movements were a little more rushed and desperate as soon as the door was closed. Johnny took his shirt off, leaving Daisy to have her turn to sport wide, twinkly eyes. It’s not like she hasn’t seen him almost fully naked before, it was just a different atmosphere. He was getting naked for her, taking his shoes off before bending to drop his Dickies… for her.

He caught her wide eyed gaze as he was standing straight again, only in his boxers. “You still with me?”

Daisy nodded, her voice gone. 

Johnny said her name in that sweet, coaxing tone, but she couldn’t get anything out.

“Cat got your tongue?” he teased.

“You…” she mumbled.

“Oh, I got your tongue?” He grinned. “Believe me, I will put that pretty mouth to work soon enough.”

Blushing furiously, Daisy pointed to the bed and it took several gestures for Johnny to understand that she wanted him to lay down. But all Daisy did after that was stare and stand at the foot of her bed, taking in all six feet of the man laying with one arm behind his head, tattoos scattered across his body, chest rising and falling at a much more normal rate than her.

“Daisy-doll…”

Her eyes found his finger at his forehead, and if she took a single look in those brown eyes, everything she was trying to hold together would collapse. But Daisy was thoroughly entranced by him and everything he did, watching the tip of his finger move out towards her and curl twice.

She crawled into the space next to him, body moving on its own accord. Then Johnny grabbed her waist and planted her right on top of him. He licked his lips and moved in to kiss her again, but a hand went on his chest to stop him.

“I need a minute…” she breathed out, her eyes closing.

“No problem, sweetheart…” he told her, leaning back and fixing the pillow behind his head. “Just tell me what I can do.”

It was hard to say what she needed. All Daisy felt was heat in her body, tightness in her chest that was teetering between good and bad, and something poking her in the nether regions. She shook her hands again and tried to release some of the feelings that were putting her in a chokehold. There was only one person allowed to do that here.

(That is if she gets over her ultra sensitive everything long enough to let him even touch her the way she was about to touch him…)

She heard him moving underneath her, and then she felt that soothing hand cup her cheek. She held his wrist, gently but with a bit of desperation. Johnny leaned in, moving the strands of curly hair behind her ear before pressing his lips to her forehead. His nose went down the center of her face, meeting her own in a touch so soft it made her want to scratch at it.

“Just tell me to stop,” he whispered.

But neither of them wanted to stop, that much was clear. Daisy shifted, going for his lips again but Johnny quickly moved to trail small kisses down her cheek and jawline. The hand that was on her other cheek moved and twisted slowly, so he was holding Daisy’s hand instead. His lips were on her neck as he held her hand against his chest.

Daisy, body hot and almost trembling with need, stared vacantly at the headboard behind him. She could feel his heart beating fast where she touched him, fading as Johnny moved her hand lower. Her fingers brushed past the happy trail on his lower abdomen, and all she could think of was trailing her lips down that little path. A sharp inhale came out of her as he squeezed his hand over hers around his cock, you’d think she was the one being touched like this.

She controlled her breath, taking a deep one before pushing Johnny onto his back. Her mind was short circuiting in the best way, making her body shuffle down and take his cock out of his underwear. She basically had to go about this like she was ripping off a bandaid. It helped that her body was moving in a way that made her not think so hard about all this.

The quiet gasp Johnny let out when his cock was in her mouth made Daisy want to wiggle her hands again, but she was fully occupied. All she could do was moan softly around him and dig her nails into one of his thighs. It sent a chain reaction of sounds between the two of them that got progressively more desperate the longer they remained in that position.

“Fuck, sweetheart,” Johnny groaned as he moved to lean on his elbows. “Fuck, look at you…”

Daisy was relentless, but the sound of his voice somehow kept her rooted to the ground, and it reminded her of the position she was in. This was one of many things she thought about when all she had were the good vibes to help her, and now it was happening. The reality of it sank in and it made Daisy slip him out of her mouth, and that was when he put an urgent hand on her shoulder.

“Take more of it,” he deadpanned.

There was the way Johnny could talk you into doing something reckless, like the time Daisy fought him in the ring or when he dared her to down every mimosa she was served. There's something different now, about the way his voice deepened with something Daisy couldn’t name. Silently, she moved his hand into her hair, the touch making her insides explode with other things she couldn’t name. If she was going to do this she would need all the help she could get. When she took his cock into her mouth again, Johnny pushed her down gently.

“Atta girl… fuck, that’s it…”

She whimpered as she squeezed her eyes shut, feeling him reach a dangerous territory. But she didn’t want to stop, nor did she want him to let go of her. Something about Johnny taking control just felt better than leaving all the cards in her hands. Daisy trusted him.

“Come on, sweet thing, just a little more…” he said in response to the mewls coming out of her. He held her hair up in a ponytail while pushing her head down. When she gagged, Johnny let her up and stroked her cheek. “Alright, breathe. Take a minute, you’re gonna do it again.”

Daisy only made a noise in protest, drool going down her chin, but she hadn’t tapped out just yet.

“Don’t give me that look. Go on now.”

Then it was back to business with dirty but sweet words of encouragement. It went on like that, Johnny moving her head in a steady rhythm until her eyes were watering. The deep gravelly moans he let out are what kept Daisy so willing, if he sounded like this all the time she could probably do anything for him.

…or are you just really horny?

Johnny groaned her name, his fingers tightening around her stringy unwashed hair to pull her up and off for the last time. Daisy moaned at the feeling, almost missing when Johnny moved her hand to his cock to help finish him off. Her eyes were willingly glued to his face as she watched him get lost in the pleasure she gave. The way his mouth hung open, the way his chest heaved up and down and shined with sweat all sent shockwaves down to her shorts. But the best part were the deep, throaty grunts that came out of his mouth as he finally spilled onto his abdomen.

The one reason why this was a bad idea is because Daisy only thought about getting him off… so he could stay the night. But now she was here, needing him even though the act of fulfilling that need would send her into an anxiety attack.

She lied down in the space next to Johnny as soon as he was spent. He was caught up in his own orgasm, letting out a deep, satisfied breath. The silence was tangible, Daisy almost wanted to confess every dirty thought consuming her mind just to break it.

Then Johnny moved his arm towards her, his palm up. Daisy looked at his hand and then his face. “What?”

His eyes were still closed but his brow furrowed. “What do you mean what?” he replied as he moved his hand closer.

“Why are you showing me your hand?”

A breathy laugh came out of him as he turned his head towards her, eyes open and twinkling. “I’m asking if I can hold yours, sweet thing.”

Daisy felt as stupid as she was turned on. But the gesture and pet name made her heart jump around inside her, so she placed her hand on his. Johnny intertwined their fingers and brought her knuckles to his lips, softly kissing the skin.

“My Daisy-doll…” he mumbled.

Before she could say anything, Johnny reached down to grab his shirt off the floor and used it to clean himself off. Then he fixed his boxers before turning onto his side and facing Daisy with a shit eating grin.

“So what can I do ya for?”

“Uh…” Daisy trailed off, her face reddening.

“C’mon, don’t get shy on me now, sweetheart.” Johnny reached for her hand again. “Let me return the favor.”

“That was a favor?” she asked stupidly.

Johnny laughed and kissed her hand again.

They didn’t do anything else that night, per Daisy’s request. She decided that sitting all night with sexual frustration was better than having sex followed by an inexplicable breakdown. Explaining that to Johnny certainly helped kill the mood, but neither he nor Daisy slept all that much that night anyway.

The two of them talked for hours about every topic on the planet; goals, friends, exes, cartoons (though Daisy tried not to get too carried away with that last one.) They talked about sad things like the absence of Daisy’s mother, and then Johnny made Daisy laugh so hard she snorted. They talked about their families, Daisy named all of her family members, most of them were women, and they always had her babysit their kids. Johnny told her about how his mother held her breath whenever she saw an episode of Jackass, and Daisy silently agreed with that notion.

“Are you gonna miss Jackass?” she asked, because she noticed a certain look on his face.

The movie was supposed to be the last thing Johnny was going to do with this franchise, and all Daisy knew was that he enjoyed that more than the typical Hollywood features he had done.

“‘Course I am,” he replied, staring up at the ceiling. “Those are my guys. You ever see a group of people and just know?” 

“Know what?”

“That they’re for life.”

“Oh. No.”

Johnny chuckled. “What about Willa?”

“She’s one person. You said a group.”

“What, you don’t have girls at the gym you pal around with?”

Daisy shook her head. Despite all those Girls Days, group settings were not a strength. She either stayed so quiet that she might as well not be there, or if she chose to speak, she disrupted the atmosphere. How that happened, she had no idea.

“The bigger the crowd, the less I thrive,” she said.

“Oh, I get that.” Johnny turned onto his side to face Daisy. “I don’t like crowds either.”

That was surprising to hear. Daisy wondered how he did it at bars, parties, and red carpet events. There was so much of that in Johnny’s life. So many people, so much chaos. How was he not burnt out, or just tired?

He explained to her that liquid courage took the edge off. That, and he knew he was lucky to be in this place in his life. He couldn’t complain.

“That’s one reason why I like you so much, D,” he said. “You know how to get yourself out of those situations, even if you go down swingin’. Like what happened with Ehren, you weren’t cool with it, so you left. That takes some gusto.”

Daisy would hardly agree. The fact that Johnny didn’t like certain aspects of this life, but still dealt with it accordingly, that was more admirable to Daisy. Nothing she did had anything to do with confidence. But there wasn’t enough time in the night to delve into that part of her brain.

Chapter Text

Daisy was mildly annoyed, despite the smile on her face. First of all, she was in a place that she had never been before, but it was per Johnny’s request so she kept her complaints to herself. Second of all, she was formally introduced to many more people that she did not know she would be meeting today, which ended up being Spike and other Dickhouse workers. All Johnny told her before he picked her up was there’s some people I want you to meet when we get there. Nothing more, nothing less. Daisy wasn’t sure how to dress, so she donned a sleeveless yellow blouse and a black skater skirt, a decent in between for this random outing. Finally, there was the ridiculous thing Johnny asked of her when they got there, and there was a very easy answer to that. 

“No, I don’t think I will.”

“Come on, Daisy-doll. Please?” Johnny clasped his hands together and pouted. “Just one little right hook?”

You’d think he was a child asking for a cookie the way he begged. And the fact that he was begging around his peers. Jeff, Spike, Rick, and others were in the room, and each of them had tried to egg Daisy on and convince her to punch Johnny in the eye. Yes, that was also why she was brought here today, unbeknownst to her.

“I’m left handed,” she told him, chuckling nervously. She was mindful of the cameras in the room, and didn’t want to come off as a buzzkill. “Why me?”

“Because you’re gonna get it right on the first try,” Johnny replied. “You, unlike all these other assholes, know how to aim and throw a punch.”

“Is that supposed to flatter me?”

“Is it working?"

Daisy folded her arms and shook her head. Johnny sighed in defeat.

“Fine, but once you see how bad these guys are at punching, you’ll wanna step in. You’ll see!”

“I dunno, I feel like they wanna try hitting you more than I do.”

That made everyone roar with laughter. Johnny hunched over cackled, so amused by her words that he let her off the hook. Daisy heard him asking Rick if he got that last part on camera as she left the room and went down the corridor for a moment.

She checked her wristwatch, trying not to mind the sound of a loud smack followed by her boyfriend groaning in pain. It hasn’t even been an hour since she and Johnny had been here, but it felt like ages. He didn’t tell her an exact amount of time they would be here either, just another thing that was grinding Daisy’s gears. She would have asked, but she didn’t want him to think that she was in a hurry to leave, or that she didn’t want to be around his people. So she just stood there, irritated. But she wasn’t annoyed enough to punch him. No, she saved all that for the ring. Every little thing that inconvenienced her throughout the week would follow her to the gym, where she would either take it out on an opponent or a punching bag.

Johnny suddenly called her name. Daisy sighed and rapidly shook her head before following the sound of his voice. She went back in the room to find Johnny blinking weirdly and Jeff standing close by, shaking out his wrist.

“Did I get a mouse?” Johnny asked, gesturing to his eyes.

“Yeah, you’ll get a mouse!” replied Rick, who was recording. “You’ll get a mouse outta that, yeah.”

“I dunno…”

Both Jeff and Rick stepped closer to him, observing the damage on his face. Daisy simply stood in the doorway, wondering why the fuck a black eye would be compared to a small animal. 

“You gotta do it, D,” Johnny said when he finally acknowledged her. “C’mere, don’t be shy.”

“I’m not shy,” she said as she stepped into the room. “I just don’t like using my training for shits and giggles.”

“Just pretend he’s attacking you,” Jeff suggested as he stepped over to place his hands on Daisy’s shoulders in order to move her in his place. “You’re tiny, you should defend yourself.”

Daisy, who never considered herself to be tiny, tensed up as she felt the touch on her, but she said nothing about it as she went to stand in front of Johnny.

“Attacking leads to punches in other places,” she said once the hands were off of her.

“Is that a threat or a promise?” Johnny winked.

“You’re making me wanna not punch you.”

“Yeah? What do you wanna do instead?”

Daisy blushed and didn’t know how to respond to that, so Jeff did.

“Alright you two, put your clothes back on.” Then he looked at Daisy and gestured to Johnny. “D, if you will…”

She hummed with uncertainty and bounced on her toes. There was no getting out of it now, the redness on Johnny’s cheek was starting to show and it just made Daisy wish she had taken up the offer when he first asked. Just as he predicted.

“I’m used to wearing gloves,” she said timidly. Then she took a deep breath and lifted her fists.

Johnny grinned brightly. “That’s my girl. Give it to me good.”

He was not good at letting her concentrate. Daisy blinked and tried to regain focus, but was distracted yet again. This time, Steve-O, Pontius, and Bam entered the room, and they were all pleasantly surprised by the scene.

“Oh, this is happening again?” Pontius asked with a shit eating grin. “This a new kink of yours, Knoxville?”

Daisy tried not to crack a grin. But she dropped her fists and shook her hands down at her sides. She couldn’t focus.

“Oh, she’s having performance anxiety,” Bam teased. “It’s okay, D, it happens to everyone!”

Some people giggled, Johnny included. This was much easier when he was a familiar stranger that walked into her gym… when he gave her a reason to let out her frustration.

That was a wildly different frustration to the type Daisy was feeling now. She had to admit she was a little pissed off for a multitude of reasons. The lack of specifics on today's events, the fact that she had to punch her boyfriend, and the fact that she couldn’t take said boyfriend back home and just— 

“So are you gonna do it or not?” Jeff asked, somewhat impatient.

“Yes.” Daisy sighed. Come to think of it, she didn’t even know why Johnny wanted a black eye.

She watched Jeff walk up behind Johnny to hold the back of his head. Johnny closed his eyes upon seeing Daisy raise her fists again.

“Are you gonna punch him or beat the shit outta him?” Steve-O suddenly asked, observing her stance.

“I don’t think she’s gonna do anything,” Bam replied with a snicker. “Look at her, she’s too scared to hurt anyone.”

“You wanna go after him?” Daisy said without thinking. She kept her eyes on Johnny, trying not to feel something at the way he was already wincing in anticipation.

“Yeah you weren’t there for the kickboxing bit,” Pontius added. “She knocked the fuck outta him.”

Daisy aimed once, and breathed out. Then, “Why do you want a black eye again?”

“It’s for my passp– auuggh!” In a quick jab, Daisy’s fist had made contact with his eye.

Johnny would have staggered more if Jeff hadn’t been holding his head, but he still hissed and groaned. Everyone else in the room let out a collective, shocked ooo! at the impact.

Daisy felt a sting on her knuckle, and waved her hand out. She was lucky that she never had to hit someone with her bare fists before. She didn’t exactly love that the first person to experience that was her boyfriend, who very literally asked for it.

“Yeah… yeah that’s gonna leave a mark,” he said, scrunching his one injured eye shut.

Daisy painted on a smile, rubbing her knuckles with her free hand. “I’m never doing that again.”

“Yeah no, you did a bang up job with the one hit,” Johnny told her as he approached her. He was still blinking weirdly, but his smile was sweet, as he leaned in to kiss her cheek. “Thank you, doll.”

That smile on Daisy’s face suddenly felt more authentic.

“How are you hurt by that?” Bam asked, snapping the couple out of their lovesick gaze. He was pointing at Daisy and the way she was caressing her punching hand.

“I usually wear a glove,” she replied. Then, as an afterthought, “I don’t just rawdog it all the time.”

The wave of laughter from that line made Daisy feel even better. She was doing well as a person today, despite her disdain.

Pontius approached her and was about to grab her shoulder before putting his hand up. “Oh - just this once, I don’t wanna be on the receiving end. You’re a little menace, huh?”

Daisy shrugged, still grinning. It wasn’t every day she was asked to give someone a black eye, let alone give it to someone she was dating. Honestly, Daisy couldn’t remember the last time a partner was interested in her kickboxing hobby.

The attention she got from that little moment came and went, and then she didn’t know what to do with herself. Daisy watched the room, slowly secluding herself to a chair in the corner. It’s not that she was already tapped out from this adventure, she just wasn’t sure how to include herself in one of the various conversations. Johnny quickly got busy with watching back the footage of himself getting punched by his girlfriend on Rick’s camera. He asked Daisy if she wanted to come see it and she shook her head. Then she realized too late that that was an opportunity to participate in being a person again, and she blew it.

On the other hand, watching all of these men roast and practically berate each other was something Daisy didn’t know how to navigate. When she was out bar hopping with Johnny and the guys, it was a different story. Daisy wasn’t thinking as hard, she wasn’t actively trying to sit still with her legs crossed, nor was she people watching with knots in her stomach. The alcohol she typically consumed dulled all of the input, making her brainless. Sober, Daisy might as well be a very nervous Italian greyhound trembling in fear.

One thing Daisy did learn about people was that gentle bullying was a unique way of saying “I love you.” Growing up, she saw her mother and her aunts shit-talk each other in Spanish, and that was passed down to their kids, Daisy and her cousins. Daisy knew of this, but she didn’t quite get it. Plenty of other people bullied Daisy when she was younger, and she felt anything but loved. Maybe it just depends on the circumstance. But even then, how do you know when someone is just joking around?

Then Daisy remembered: she doesn’t.

Sitting on that, Daisy got through dinner with this crowd by observing, speaking only when spoken to, and trying not to panic too hard when Bam made a joke about how “she won’t shut up.” Steve-O came to her defense, saying he liked her “chill vibe.” Daisy would remember that.

She didn’t realize how tense she had gotten until she wasn’t anymore. Soon after dinner, the group had moved to another location, to one of the bars that were frequented in the last few weeks. There was enough tequila to make her forget about whatever she worried about, and she was able to relax at a high table, watch people be people, and have odd conversations with odd strangers.

As per usual, Daisy got separated from her boyfriend when he was recognized by other patrons, and watched as he charmed the pants off these people. Part of it was out of fondness, and part of it was to figure out how to be better at socializing. Eventually, Daisy fell into a conversation with whoever decided to take the stool next to her, and she could get away with mirroring tones and mannerisms to get by. That was standard whenever she went out with Johnny and his crew.

She had no idea how he did it, even after knowing that crowds were one of his least favorite places to be. By the time she was sitting with him in the backseat of a cab, Daisy was out of it. She had limited herself to three drinks tonight, but some of her conversation partners were very generous and gave her refills of her margarita.

Johnny didn’t notice her shoulders drop in relief as he slung his arm around her, but he did turn to look at her.

“What do you wanna do now?”

Again, how did he have it in him to keep going?

Daisy shrugged, the last thing she wanted to do right now was make a decision. There was a part of her that wanted to go home and recharge, but there was also a part of her that wanted to recharge with her boyfriend. “Up to you.”

“I’ll take you to my place,” he decided as he leaned forward to tell the driver the address.

That sent a mini jolt through her body, waking her up just a little bit. She looked at him once, but her gaze remained once she realized his eyes were blocked by his aviators. “Just us?”

“Just us,” he confirmed.

“What about your friends?”

“Oh, I’m sure they won’t miss us. Besides, I haven't had you to myself at all today.” He smiled before adding, “Nothing has to happen if you don’t want it to. I just don’t wanna say goodnight to you yet.”

“Oh…” 

He has a way with words, and that just reeled her in. Daisy’s got it bad. She had it so bad that not long after settling inside his home, she was pulling Johnny into a searing kiss. Really, they had only taken a few steps over the threshold before Daisy practically threw herself at him. He held the back of her head and her waist, returning the passion tenfold, just as needy and eager.

Daisy made a weird noise when she was pressed against the wall behind her. She was very literally cornered, trapped between the adjacent wall, a decorative table, and Johnny himself.

“You do want something to happen?” he presumed when their lips parted, his nose touching hers.

Her fingers curled around his green button up, trying not to slip away. She huffed out a breath and pushed against his chest, feeling like the air supply was limited.

“Yeah…” she mumbled.

“Why’d you hesitate?” he asked as he took a step back.

“I got nervous,” she admitted, tangling her fingers together. “And I don’t know what exactly I want to happen.”

“Are you good nervous or bad nervous?”

“Good.”

“Okay, I can work with that.” Johnny gestured for her to follow him. “Come on, I’ll get you a drink.”

He didn’t see her walk on her toes as she trailed behind him. It was a shame, he could have named another Daisyism. She picked at her nails once she was in the kitchen, watching Johnny dig through the cabinets for a bottle of something. The darkness around his eye made her want to giggle out of sheer insanity, and then she looked down at the hand that punched him.

Her hand was nowhere near as bruised, but there was some torn skin and a slight purple hue around her middle knuckle that twinged a little. Daisy shook her head softly at the result of today’s events.

“Here, try this,” Johnny said as he placed a glass on the counter in front of her. It was a dark liquid as opposed to the shots of tequila they usually did together.

It was a small change, but Daisy physically bit her tongue to keep herself from saying anything about it. It was something to relax her, right? Don’t make a fuss about it. She picked up the glass and tasted whatever this was, and was surprised that it didn’t make her want to spit it back out.

“What is it?”

“Macallan. Goes down smooth, right?”

She nodded and took another careful sip. Johnny changed the subject, going back to what happened when they walked into his house.

“Any ideas you got in mind? Anything you want us to do in particular?”

Daisy shrugged as she turned her glass in her hand. Then she suggested the thing that accidentally became her go-to in the last couple of weeks. “I can go down on you?”

Johnny sighed and hung his head for a second before looking at her again with a playful smile on his face. “Sweetheart, you spoil me. But I’m gonna have to say no to that.”

Honestly, with all the spontaneity that the day has provided, Daisy should have seen that coming. She shouldn’t have felt her stomach drop either. It’s not like all she did was blow him. There was one time where Johnny asked about the vibrator she owned and he watched her use it. That was how Daisy learned she liked being watched, so she went down on him more often so he could see her and tell her how good she was with her mouth.

“Let me return the favor,” Johnny said to her, his voice dropping in the way that made Daisy blush. “We’ll go as slow or as quick as you want. Put my hands wherever you want, tell me what to do… just let me touch you.”

There was no polite way to put it, but the horniness trumped the impending spiral in Daisy’s brain. She took a heftier sip of her whiskey, the tipsy feeling couldn’t hit her quick enough. In the meantime, she still had to inform Johnny of some things in that realm.

“Okay…” she said softly, and then she drained the last half of the drink, if anything to feel brave. “I should warn you, though…”

“What is it?” Johnny asked as he grabbed the bottle and refilled her glass.

Daisy hesitated, chewing her lip in a very unsexy way. “God, I hope this doesn’t kill the mood…”

“Well, just say it.”

“I might cry.” When the silence threatened to take over, Daisy began to nervously ramble. “Like, at the end, if I, if I come… and it's not in a bad way, it’s never in a bad way. It’s just, y’know, I feel things… a lot. And I know I didn’t cry when I uh, used my vibrator around you, it’s just different doing it yourself than getting it from someone else… I just have to tell you now, y’know, so I don’t, I don’t freak you out or anything.”

Johnny nodded as he drank. Then he put the glass down. “Well, you should know you wouldn’t be the first girl I been with to do that.”

That came as a surprise. “Really?”

“Really. I know it can be a lot, and I know you’re uh, sensitive, so I’m ready for anything. Whatever you need, Daisy-doll, I’m here.”

She would have kissed him if she wasn’t paralyzed to the ground. Instead she just drank some more, the warmth in her stomach only traveling further south. Maybe it was just the heat of the moment or maybe it was the whiskey that made her speak her next words.

“You get hotter by the second and it’s really annoying.”

Johnny laughed. “And why is that?”

Daisy returned the laughter, the thoughts that once lived deep inside her brain now coming out of her mouth. It was a little funny, but it didn’t make them any less true.

“One part of my brain is being careful, knowing I need to go slow with these things,” she said. “And the other part of my brain is cursing me for being stupidly sensitive because if I wasn’t—“

“We’d already be going at it,” Johnny finished for her, but that wasn’t exactly what Daisy was going to say.

“I’d be bending over this counter right now.”

“Same thing,” he replied without missing a beat. “That’s the fantasy going through your head, huh?”

Daisy nodded timidly, through her peripherals she saw Johnny smirk. Then he stepped around her, standing close behind her.

“I’m not gonna do it now,” he told her. “Just wanna see you from this angle for a second. You okay for me to touch you?”

“Yeah…” she breathed out, her heart racing.

It was sweet at first. She felt his arms snake around her waist, his chest pressing to her back. Feeling this after the drinks she had made everything less overwhelming, but she still scrunched her nose and shook her hands down at her sides.

Johnny left kisses under her ear and along her jawline, while his fingers danced along the hem of Daisy’s yellow blouse, skimming the skin underneath. Just that alone was enough to get her hot and bothered, given how long Daisy had been holding off on letting Johnny return what she dished out. Things felt different tonight, every little touch and tempting word spoken was fueling Daisy’s mind and body with unspeakable need. She had half a mind to literally bend over the counter and let Johnny do what he pleased, but her hands found themselves on his arms, guiding him to the right places.

She slid his hands down to her thighs, around the ends of the skirt that she was suddenly very grateful to have picked out today. Johnny bunched up the black fabric and pulled her hips back so her ass was pressed up against him.

“Oh, look at you,” he mused, peering down to see the strawberry patterned underwear she had on. His fingers traced over the lace hem, making Daisy’s breathing falter. “How do you wanna do this, doll?”

The sound of his voice, the smell of his cologne mixed with the liquor, and the feeling of his body on hers rendered Daisy speechless in record time. It was something that happened often in this situation, where the feelings and sensations were so big that talking or making any kind of noise would just make her head explode. She could have already teared up at how good it felt, even with the alcohol in her system. But she knew that crying was a turn off, so she stayed quiet.

“Okay,” Johnny said after a moment. He soothingly rubbed her upper arms. “Take a minute, Daisy-doll. We got all night.”

Then he wrapped his arms across her chest, squeezing lightly as he kissed the back of her head. Daisy held his arms, staring vacantly at the empty glasses and Macallan bottle on the countertop and thinking about how the cool marble would feel against her skin. But she got distracted by the hold Johnny had on her. The tightness actually felt good on her body, almost like it was waking her up again.

“Do it harder,” she said softly.

“Do what?” he asked, moving to let go before he was stopped.

She put his arms back across her chest, and she spoke ever so quietly. “Just squeeze me…”

“Oh-kay… you got it.”

His strong arms got significantly tighter around Daisy’s body, and for a split second she wanted to kick him away, the pace of her breathing quickening. But it was only for a few seconds, and then it was as if this massive weight was removed from the center of her chest, relief replacing that annoying tightness. Daisy’s eyes fluttered shut as she audibly sighed, her body finally physically relaxing.

“Oh, did that actually do something for you?” Johnny asked, sounding surprised.

Along with the tension relief, Daisy managed to find her voice again. “Yeah, I feel better.”

“Good.” He kissed the back of her head once more. “Should we go to the room?”

Daisy nodded and felt her heart race all over again as Johnny took her by the hand and led her up the staircase. She should have taken an extra shot beforehand. When she was locked in his bedroom, Daisy once again found herself unable to face Johnny and kept her back to him as she stared at the neatly made bed.

“Hey, pretty girl,” his voice snuck up on her, as did his hands on her shoulders. He kissed her temple and nosed the curly light brown locks. “You wanna continue what we started?”

She nodded, and her skin felt like fire as his hands trailed down her body, back to the skirt he seemed to love so much. This time, she helped him hold up the front so he could use both of his hands. Her soul practically flew out of her body as Johnny’s warm hand cupped her pelvis, alleviating some of the pent up heat. A breath left her mouth as her hips shifted an inch to find the right spot on his hand.

“I’m gonna ask you again,” his voice said in her ear, his fingers curling ever so slightly on where he held her. “How do you wanna do this?”

Daisy remembered to breathe as she felt his lips on her neck. Johnny’s free hand went up her side, sliding under her shirt. How did regular people even think under these conditions?

“Whatever you wanna do, sweet thing, I’ll do it,” he mumbled against her skin, pausing to leave a wet kiss on the crook of her neck. “Just gotta say the word…”

It only made her rock her hips against his hand once more. She was melting into his touch, and her ability to speak was leaving her system. She had to say something now, she knew he needed to hear her.

“What do you want?” she asked softly. If anything she was curious about this side of him, and she would appreciate knowing what fantasies he planned on acting out in the future. And maybe she liked it when she went down on him and he held her by the hair and took control when he really got into it.

“You already know,” he answered without missing a beat, and he moved forward to close the tiny gap between them.

Daisy’s face was beet red as she felt her ass on his crotch again. She could feel just how much he wanted her, and it made her breath hitch in her throat. It was true, she did know what Johnny wanted, and she wanted it too. But the tightness in her chest at just this not so small gesture was enough to ground her again. Things were still moving slowly, and thankfully Johnny honored this.

“But there is one other thing,” he said before kissing her cheek and letting go of her. “Sit down.”

Daisy moved the quick two steps to the bed and sat on the edge, facing Johnny but not looking directly at him. Her hands landed in her lap, mostly to pick at her nails to deal with the nerves. Her knees naturally fell together the way she was taught many years ago, she sat like a perfectly behaved little girl.

As it turns out, Johnny was very good at breaking away at the things Daisy had learned in her life. She was always told to stay quiet and not make a fuss, but she was the loudest one on the nights out with him. She was told to be polite and subtle to get her way, then he encouraged her to lose the filter she spent so much time crafting to perfection. She was taught to sit with her legs closed if she was in a skirt or dress, and guess who pried them open with a firm grasp of her thighs?

Johnny leaned in, his nose barely touching Daisy’s. It certainly got her attention, her hands planted themselves behind her to keep her balanced and her eyes were everywhere except him. Johnny knew that silent nonverbal communication couldn’t be it. He had to be direct with her. He moved the curly locks behind her ear and cupped her cheek.

“You should take your top off,” she heard him say.

Right. I know how to do that. Let's do that now.

Her hand shook slightly as she reached for the buttons on her blouse. She could feel his eyes burning into her, and she almost wanted to tell him to look away. But this was part of the fun, being watched, being told what to do. Taking things into your own hands, which was exactly what Johnny did when he noticed how much Daisy’s hands were trembling.

“Pretty girl,” he mumbled as he undid the rest of the buttons, gently pushing the soft yellow fabric past Daisy’s shoulders and letting it pool behind her. “What made you wanna get all dolled up today, huh?”

A shrug was all that he got from her. Daisy wasn’t even sure that he wanted an answer, his eyes were stuck on her chest, on the soft pink bra she had on. Besides, one true answer was that Daisy honestly had no idea what the plan was for today, so she didn’t know how to dress. Another answer was just that the more time she spent with Johnny, the more Daisy was trying to keep him looking at her, in every sense.

“I… knew… I was gonna see you today,” she finally spoke, using all of her mental energy to speak and mask her true thoughts. Her voice wavered and there were odd pauses between words, but that didn’t faze him.

“Oh yeah?” The corner of Johnny’s mouth went up as he played with the ends of the black skirt. “Tryna tease me with this or what?”

“Did… it work?”

Johnny chuckled. “Oh, it’s working, pretty girl. Been wanting to get my hands under it all day.”

Daisy scrunched her nose and wiggled slightly at the continuous pet name. It made her insides go all soft and melty. 

“You alright?”

She nodded and whispered a soft yes.

“Good. I’m gonna eat your pussy now.”

And Johnny sank down to his knees.

Daisy could have passed out on the spot, but moving her hips as he reached under her skirt to pull off those strawberry panties kept her conscious. Her heart was beating hard against her ribcage, god help her if she had to do anything coherent for the next hour. She lied back completely when Johnny put her legs over his shoulders, unable to look down at him, and waited for the hot, delicious sensation to take over.

The shadows on the ceiling got an eyeful from her as she felt his stubble scratch the inside of her thighs. That alone made her grip the comforter underneath her. When she felt his lips on hers, followed by his tongue parting them, Daisy considered herself lucky that Johnny couldn’t see how comically wide her eyes had gotten, it definitely would have killed the mood. The audible gasp that came out of her mouth was uncontrollable, however, and her toes immediately started wiggling to cope with all the sensations her body was going through. It made her legs shake slightly, which Johnny took as encouragement, gripping her thighs a little tighter as he dipped his tongue in deeper.

She felt his thumb rub the side of her thigh in an almost soothing way at the sound of her rapid breathing. It both helped and sent her soul somewhere else, like she was watching herself get eaten out. Every little spot his lips and tongue touched sent Daisy to new places.

All it took was a few minutes on the clit to make Daisy pick her head up and grab Johnny’s arm. The heat was expanding and threatening to boil over, making her moan out. Johnny only moved so his fingers intertwined with hers, and Daisy had to fight to use her words.

“Wait! Stop, stop!”

Johnny immediately pulled back, sitting back on his knees, eyes wide and alarmed. “What is it, honey? Did I-“

Her hand flew over his mouth, the sound of his voice not helping to keep the feeling down. Daisy turned awkwardly, planting her face in the mattress to ground herself. The shift made her unable to keep her hand over his mouth, but Johnny stayed quiet regardless, watching and waiting.

“I…” Daisy mumbled between breaths, and she lifted her head slightly, her cheeks burning red. “I almost came…”

She heard Johnny sigh and laugh softly. “You scared the shit outta me, sweetheart. I thought I was doing something wrong!”

“‘M sorry…” she breathed out. “Didn’t… didn’t want it t’be over…”

“Hey, no one said you can’t come more than once.” He reached over and touched the back of her head, reassuring.

Daisy sighed heavily, trying to catch her breath as she shifted onto her back again. “Okay… need a minute.”

“You got it.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes while Daisy gathered herself. Johnny stayed where he was, kneeling between her legs, watching her as he played with the ends of her bunched up skirt. She could only wonder what was running through his head at this time, having a girl on the bed who was so wound up that receiving head was considered too much for her. It felt more pathetic the more her rational mind thought about it, and Daisy didn’t want to feel pathetic while her genitals were exposed to him. There was only one way to calm her mind, and she didn’t exactly love asking for it.

“Have I scared you off yet?” Her voice was still soft, breathy, and full of awkward pauses. Her mind wanted to say tell me I’m not crazy or something just as insane, but she didn’t feel in control of her mouth.

Johnny didn’t hesitate. “It’s gonna take a lot to scare me, Daisy-doll. You just need a little time, and I don’t got a problem with waiting.”

“But we’ve been waiting this long.”

“For good reason.” He moved her legs off of his shoulders and moved to stand up. He hovered over her, planting his hands down beside her head. “You’re stuck with me, D. You got that?”

She nodded but that wasn’t enough for him.

“Say it to me.”

“I got it…”

“Good.” He kissed her forehead. “Do you want another drink? You look like you could use one.”

She agreed to it, and while Johnny went to retrieve the bottle, Daisy moved up the mattress. She sat up against the wooden headboard and smoothed out her skirt, trying not to feel too ridiculous now that she had a bit of reassurance. She was fine, her brain was just short circuiting. It was nothing Johnny hadn’t seen before. He cared about her, he wanted her.

She smiled when he returned with the Macallan and shot glasses. They each did two rounds before setting the glasses aside and just sitting together.

“I gotta ask again,” Johnny began. “Did I do anything wrong? Or is there anything I could do differently?”

“You were… wonderful,” Daisy admitted, looking down at her hands. “Nothing wrong on your part. It’s just when I get overwhelmed, my brain goes one of two ways: I either start moving a lot—“

“The happy flappies?” he guessed, smiling wide.

“The happy flappies,” Daisy confirmed. “Or, I’ll start to panic. And I don't know which way I’m headed, so I have to take a breather every so often. And you just have to remind me that I’m not crazy too.”

“Daisy, I’m the crazy one in this relationship. Look at what I’ve been doing for a living. You’re just…”

“Sensitive,” she finished for him. “I know.”

He pressed his forehead against her temple. “That’s not a bad thing, sweetheart.” Then he kissed her cheek. “How’re you feeling now?”

“Like the whiskey is settling in.”

“You wanna finish what we started?”

“Yes please. You should kiss me.”

At first, Johnny leaned in and took her hand. Then Daisy moved his hand up to her cheek and held his wrist. Their lips moved together with much more urgency than before, Daisy was biting his lip before she realized what was happening. She was moving his hand from her cheek and guiding him down her body, curving around her breast, past her ribcage, and to the inner part of her thigh, wanting his touch all over again.

Johnny broke the kiss slowly, looking down at where he was touching her. “You really wanna do this?”

She said the word, and then he was telling her to lay down.

“Teach me,” he requested, turning to his side and hovering over her. “I want this to be good for you. You gotta show me how you want it.”

It kept her focused, but Daisy didn’t look at him or where his hand was. She only focused on the feeling, where her own fingers usually felt right, and she placed Johnny’s in those places. She helped him move in rapid little circles on her clit, and as soon as she sucked in a breath, he took over completely.

Daisy closed her eyes, trying to stay focused on the feeling, only to feel her headspace shifting again. She didn’t feel bad or panicky, but her mind was spacey and her breathing quickened the more she felt those long fingers under her skirt. Good thing he had laid her down, she might have collapsed.

His fingers moved in that little circular motion for a few minutes, long enough to make Daisy spread her legs wider with need. Johnny whispered a delicious sounding good girl before pressing his lips to her temple.

“Gonna go a little further,” he added, and then his middle finger was spreading her lips open, tenderly feeling around the area.

“Do it…” Daisy whispered, her toes curling in anticipation. Her breathing faltered as she felt the digit go inside her, and she had to turn her head away from Johnny, who was watching her intently.

He curled and moved his finger steadily, leaning down to kiss Daisy’s exposed neck every so often. All he got out of her were quiet gasps and hitched breathing, as well as her hips twitching slightly to help him meet the right spot. Her body was responding within a short amount of time, with her back arching and her legs tensing, but not a sound came out of her.

“How you feelin’, pretty girl?” Johnny asked, keeping his rhythm in that steady motion. “Feelin’ good?”

Daisy could hear him, she could feel him, she could smell his cologne. But she couldn’t respond in a way that he was requesting. She only nodded her head, which was spinning even though her eyes were closed and she was lying down. The thought of doing this without drinks beforehand… it just wouldn’t have been possible.

“Tell me how to make it better,” he coaxed as he kissed her collar bone and trailed his nose up the side of her neck. “Tell me what you want…”

Tell me, tell me, tell me. That was going to be difficult.

As much as she didn’t want to stop the hot, toe curling sensation going on, Daisy reached down and grabbed Johnny’s wrist, bringing him to a halt. Her brain was scrambling to come back down again, be responsive and answer him.

“What…” she managed to whisper, the effects of her shortness of breath mixed with the whiskey she had finally catching up with her. “What… did you ask me?”

Johnny slipped his finger out and rested his hand on her stomach. “I asked how to make it even better. Just wanna make you feel really good, that’s all.”

She nodded lightly as she turned her head towards the ceiling. “Lemme… catch my breath…”

“Okay.”

“Sorry…”

“No, none of that, you hear me?” Johnny deadpanned, his voice changing enough for Daisy to open her eyes. “Hey, if you need to take breaks so this can be a good time, then dammit, we’re taking as many breaks as you need.”

Hearing this, Daisy scrunched her nose and wiggled her toes. How was this man even real?

“You’re so fucking nice to me…” she mumbled.

“What, I can’t treat my best girl?” he replied. “Especially after all the times you’ve made me feel…” He shook his head once and let out a hefty breath. “I gotta do this for you, doll…”

Daisy still had her hand over his, and then she brought it up to her face. Without really thinking, she took his middle finger, still slick with all of her, and sucked it into her mouth. It was quick, and it was out before Johnny could try to push it further.

“You really like putting things in your mouth, don’t you?” He smirked. “Wanna keep yourself as quiet as possible, huh?”

Wish it was that simple.

All she did in response was guide his hand back down to where he was before. Johnny felt around, not exactly inserting anything right away.

“You didn’t answer my question, pretty girl,” he murmured. “How do I make this better for you?”

The tips of his two middle fingers were drawing a map around the area, and Daisy was sensitive enough to where her hips were moving to get more of that touch. She had to say something now before her voice stopped working again.

“Talk to me,” she purred before turning her head away again. She took his fingers and put them where she wanted them, and she gasped out as they hit the right place. “Talk dirty…”

She felt his lips on her neck again, gently nipping the skin as he curled his fingers. Daisy clutched the end of her skirt, balling her hand up into a fist at the sensations. Somehow his touch felt better the second time, heightening her senses in a way that made her frantically wiggle her toes. And when she finally heard his voice by her ear… it was no wonder her own vocal cords shut down.

Holy fuck did he deliver. Little praises of being so pretty for me, promises of gonna fuck you so good when you let me, and even a simple fuck you feel so good, had Daisy’s thighs trembling in minutes. Her back arched enough for Johnny to lean down and leave hungry kisses along her chest, all while mumbling how good her tits looked.

Desperately, Daisy reached out and grabbed a handful of his t-shirt, too lost in her own needs to realize what she was doing. The heat below the waist only expanded further and finally made a single strained moan come out of her.

“There it is, babydoll,” Johnny cooed as he kissed her cheek. “Let me hear you…”

Everything he said and did just made more sounds come out of Daisy’s mouth. Johnny told her how he shared the same fantasy she did, how he wanted her bent over the dining table so he could really pound it to her. Hearing that, Daisy wasn’t going to last much longer this way, her thighs were starting to clench together as her moans got louder.

Johnny seemed to catch onto how close his pretty girl was to the end. He pressed another wet kiss to her cheek and spoke in her ear.

“I’m going down on you again.”

The low, raspy sound of his voice was a much needed shock for Daisy. She could feel the sensations, but she still felt quite spaced out, and that was what Johnny did not catch onto. He pulled out his fingers and brought them up to her bottom lip, telling her to do what she did before. Daisy opened her mouth and took the long digits, sucking them clean and getting off on his words of praise.

“Atta girl… so good for me, huh?” After removing them, he kissed down her neck, her chest, pausing for a moment to pull down her bra and get his mouth on her nipples. That sent Daisy both back into the throes of pleasure and completely out of her body, her back arching on its own as another needy sound slipped out of her throat. She heard Johnny say something along the lines of you like that? before tweaking one nipple with his thumb, and then he was shuffling lower.

Her hand found its way into his hair once his head was between her legs again. The soft texture was grounding, letting her sigh out in pleasant relief. However, as soon as Daisy felt relaxed, her thighs tensed as Johnny ate her like she was his last meal. Once again, her eyes widened and went out of focus. Her body was doing all the motions, grinding her hips upwards to really feel his tongue in the right place and making her moan even louder.

She felt good. So good it brought tears to her eyes. Her thighs trembled and her toes curled as she came on his mouth, seeing stars for several hot, blissful seconds before the high practically shot down. The feeling of Johnny’s lips on the inner parts of her thigh almost made Daisy want to kick him away. But she still had her fingers in his hair, and she tugged at the locks, more incoherent noises coming out instead of words.

“Ooh, easy there, sweetheart,” he told her as he finally sat up and crawled up her body. He leaned in to kiss her on the mouth, letting her get a taste of what he just had.

Daisy didn’t hate the feeling or the taste, but she put her hand on his chest to stop him anyway. She still couldn’t catch her breath or talk, and she tapped his chest until he got the hint.

Johnny moved to lie down next to her. He watched her chest heavily move up and down, the way her knees fell together and slumped over to one side. Then, Johnny moved closer to cup her cheek and wipe away the tears that spilled, beaming when he felt her lean into the touch.

Neither of them noticed the other sigh in relief.

Daisy was dizzy with the dopamine rush. She fixed the straps on her bra and pulled down her skirt as her rational mind came back to her. When she turned, Johnny moved his hand away, only for Daisy to catch it and put it back where it was. She wasn’t looking at him, eyes too blurry from her tears, but he was looking at her like he always did.

“I dunno what this is usually like for you,” Johnny said after a moment, “but I think you did great.”

“All I did was lie there,” Daisy muttered, her voice wavering.

“Hey, sometimes you just gotta look pretty, and I can do the rest.” He winked.

Daisy smiled stiffly and kissed the tattoo on his wrist. She wanted to speak more, but a wave of emotion bubbled up in her throat. She couldn’t stop herself from gasping softly as a crying fit took over.

“Aw, you’re okay, sweetheart,” Johnny reassured.

~

She really wasn’t, Daisy knew that much. Thinking about that night, after she calmed down, she remembered how Johnny asked her to sleep over. Daisy didn’t plan for that and nearly spiraled all over again. She didn’t even plan on those bedroom activities, not that she regretted that part. The lack of structure in the day made her just a little crazier than normal, and after a long conversation about what to do, Johnny had driven her home and he spent the night there. They still didn’t go all the way yet, because he was willing to wait for her. He was willing to do anything for her, all she had to do was ask.

That was why he’s never home anymore. Daisy was surprised that she was listened to. She had yet to bring this up to Ruth, though. Daisy was just trying to retrace her steps and get to what led her to where she was now, even if it meant picking apart her most intimate moments with Johnny when she was on her own. She had plenty of time to herself lately, all because he listened to her.

Chapter Text

Daisy wasn’t as busy as she used to be, but she found things to do in her solitude. Sometimes she found herself digging for things from the beginning of the millennia. The garage was frequently visited by her, the four white walls became her friend in these strange times. There wasn’t any ventilation in there, and it was incredibly chilly at this time of year, so by the time Daisy was done with her nostalgia tour she was shivering and irritable.

She sat on the floor, swaying from side to side as she was distracted by her old high school notebooks. The yellow one from history class had a penis drawn on the back cover, making her shake her head somewhat fondly. Flipping through some of the discolored pages, more tiny scraps of paper fell out, and Daisy scrambled to collect them all. They were nothing more than mundane “this class is so boring”s and well, more dick drawings, but she didn’t want to lose any. Carefully, Daisy placed the little scraps back inside the notebook and then pushed the box it came from away. She didn’t bother putting anything back on the shelf, she knew she would be back here soon.

The house was hauntingly silent as she went back inside, but it was oddly calming at the same time. She clutched the notebook to her chest as she peered inside the office that was on the way back to the living room. It was empty, not a single thing had been moved from what she could tell. She could have stepped inside to get a closer look at the various papers and knickknacks, but Daisy knew better than to just start prying around looking for answers.

One trip up the stairs and back, Daisy was on the couch in the living room, Tinkerbell blanket around her as she stared at the yellow notebook cover. But it wasn’t the notebook that gave her a flashback. Her fingers curled around the blue fabric, worn from the years it had been used.

A small part of her, the grown up version, was shaking her head at this sight, disappointed that Daisy hadn’t let go of both the blanket and the used notebook. Another small part, a younger more wide-eyed version, was ashamed for still hanging onto these things, but the idea of letting go was kind of unbearable. It was more changes she didn’t want to have happen.

~

You may know when things are going to change, but that didn’t make accepting the change any easier. It started with Johnny growing his hair out a little more. Daisy didn’t mind that too much. In her endeavor of getting used to his presence and affection, she found that playing with his hair was immensely soothing for both herself and Johnny. It kept her hands busy when they were just relaxing together. If his head was in close proximity when they were out, Daisy could reach out and play with the locks to avoid looking odd if she needed to fidget. It also got her used to the feeling of Johnny laying his head on her chest, and that was much more comfortable than she originally thought. He was like a weighted blanket, pressing the tension out of her.

Then his facial hair was coming in. The more of it there was, the more Daisy was sensitive to the feeling of it scratching her face or the inner parts of her thighs, to the point where she instinctively turned him away if things got too hot and heavy. It was strange, because the shorter, scratchier stubble felt fine, not to mention the hair below the belt didn’t bother Daisy as much. The full beard made Johnny look different and it messed with her head more than she liked to admit. Johnny would have shaved it the moment he knew she didn’t like it, but the beard was for a movie role he was going to be doing soon. So it had to stay.

That brings up the biggest impending change: Johnny was going to be leaving to do this movie. After Jackass: The Movie premiered, Johnny would be heading off to the desert for at least two months. He wouldn’t be too far away, only a two hour drive, but he was going to be gone, maybe even untraceable given the location.

Daisy didn’t fuss about it. Not to his face. She knew he had to work, and this was what he originally wanted to do when he first moved to LA many years ago. Besides, the fuss she made about his beard riddled her with inexplicable guilt because she couldn’t even give him more than a peck on the lips.

What was Daisy going to do? Demand him to be around her at every waking moment like the crazy, needy, irrational part of her brain wanted? It wasn’t until he was telling her about his impending departure did Daisy realize that she had grown accustomed to… all of him. Well, most of him. She was accustomed enough to the point that his absence was going to mess with Daisy’s head somehow, and she kept that anxiety well hidden.

All of her anxiety was well hidden, actually. See, Daisy had to work too, even on a Saturday. The closing person for that day had called off, leaving Daisy with no option. Or… Antonio didn’t give her the option.

“Don’t do this to me again, I need you here.” And he hung up.

Frankly, Daisy was more confused as to how he got her cellphone number, he usually only called the landline. She checked the time on the pixelated phone screen before closing the device with an unintentionally loud click. It was incredible how quickly she fell into her own head, because Johnny’s voice coming from the space where he was lying next to her was a shock. A pleasant one, but still shocking.

“Boss man?” was all he said, and it was like having an anvil as a parachute that pulled her back down to earth.

“I got called in to work.” Daisy got up and out of bed, fixing her wrinkled Bugs Bunny t-shirt. She could feel the nerves already coursing through her veins, and she needed to get that bad energy out if she was going to put on her customer service face.

“Oh… well that’s okay. It’s not like we made plans anyhow,” Johnny replied as he watched her sort through her closet. “Is Mr. Boss Man gonna be there?”

Daisy pulled out her blue polo and froze in her stance. Saturdays were usually when Antonio worked the reception desk. That meant that the person who called off was supposed to lock up, and when they called off, Antonio took that place and someone had to fill in for reception.

“Yeah…” she sighed, searching her closet for her work uniform. “Nothing I can’t handle.” But it made her want to punch the wall regardless.

“When’s your shift?”

“Noon.”

“Would you…” Johnny trailed off as he sat up. “Would you wanna spend the night at my place after? You can come right when you clock out.”

That was slightly jarring in comparison to the bundle of nerves already forming in Daisy’s chest. Her hands were waving down at her sides, making her clothes flop around.

“You want me there?”

“‘Course I do. I’m just asking ahead of time, since last time you had me drive you home at four in the morning.”

No one could blame Johnny for that. Moments after going on down on his girlfriend for the first time, she asked him to take her all the way back to Rosemead. Daisy had no plans to spend the night that night, seeing as she hadn’t packed a bag nor was she ready for the things that could possibly ensue. She thought that much was obvious to Johnny, and it wasn’t until he was asking her on the ride back if he had done something wrong did she realize how this song and dance could be perceived. It was just a misunderstanding, and they concluded Daisy needed to reassure her boyfriend, and Johnny needed to plan ahead with his girlfriend.

So Daisy agreed to this plan as she pulled out black pants and a blue polo. After folding them and leaving them at the foot of the bed, she went to the bathroom. Once alone, Daisy shook her head rapidly and huffed out an irritated breath, disgruntled at how quickly the day was robbed from her.

Johnny was right before, there was no real plan for the day apart from the one just made, but that didn’t mean that Daisy wanted to spend her free time behind a desk. Work was for the weekdays, that’s how it’s always been. But at least Johnny had the decency to ask in advance, although it would have been better if he had asked the day before. Same-day planning just irritated Daisy for no reason, and that was why she agreed to both working today, and to spend the night at Johnny’s. There was no reason not to.

Daisy only allowed herself five minutes of angrily pacing in the tiny bathroom before she brushed her teeth and went back to her room. There, she found Johnny standing and pulling his yellow t-shirt on. She said nothing as she walked past him to gather things to put in her overnight bag.

“You mind if I tag along?” Johnny asked after a moment.

Daisy furrowed her brow but didn’t face him as she grabbed extra clothes from her closet and drawers. “Tag along?”

“Yeah, come with you to work.” Johnny paused, his hand twitching down at his side. “I kinda wanna see what’s up with that boss a’yours.”

“But I already told you what’s up with him.”

“I know, it’s not that I don’t trust you. I just wanna see what exactly he says to you.”

That was strange. Daisy wasn’t sure why Johnny would want to see that, let alone follow her to work in the first place. She was quiet as she went out to the bathroom again, quickly packing her toiletries, and coming back in a flash.

“He’s not gonna say anything rude in front of a guest, especially Johnny Knoxville,” she told him. “He kinda loves you, that’s why he signed off for you guys to film there.”

Johnny tilted his head. “What’s his name again?”

“Antonio.”

“Nah, the guy who signed off was the owner, Juan.”

Daisy chuckled, zipping her bag shut before setting it on the bed next to her uniform. “Juanita.”

“Pretty sure it was Juan. Sounded like a Juan on the phone.”

Shaking her head, Daisy explained the situation. The owner of the gym was a woman named Juanita, who did not speak English, so she did all of her business things through her son… Antonio. For some strange reason, people didn’t want to do business with a woman-owned place, so Antonio would go in to take care of things as “Juan.” It gave him a superiority complex over time, and he was somewhat difficult to work with. 

“He was supposed to be there the day you guys showed up to shoot,” she continued as she and Johnny went out to the living room. “I think he chickened out, though. That’s why only Willa was there that day.”

“And you,” Johnny added.

“I wasn’t supposed to be there. I was only there because I didn’t wanna think about my dead mom.”

Daisy didn’t notice how loud the silence was when she entered the kitchen. She just went for the little yellow boombox that sat on the counter and pushed the power button, already knowing what CD was inside.

But Johnny didn’t know, and that’s what prompted him to press the lid where the CD was to open it.

“Kitchen mix,” he read off the white disc. He rolled with it and then shut the lid, letting the music play. He grinned as the first familiar song took over that little space. “You still listen to Ramones?”

“Yeah.” It wasn’t until then did Daisy remember that she enjoyed this band so much because of the man standing before her. She was bopping her head to the upbeat tune, which only made Johnny do the same.

Then he was offering his hand, Daisy was taking it, and they were dancing together like they should have at prom. 

~

“So why did you wanna fuck him again?” Johnny asked when they were on the ride to the gym.  He decided to drive, another thing that threw Daisy for an unnecessary loop. Nothing was in her control today.

Daisy shrugged and began to ramble. “We were bored… and then he would try to rush into it, and then he’d get mad at me for asking him to slow down. Then he’d ignore me for a few months and then we’d get bored again. It was a cycle.”

She didn’t see the look on Johnny’s face as he watched the road. “What was the last straw? When did that cycle stop?”

“I just got tired of it a few years ago. I told him to stop calling me when he was horny, and nothing’s happened since.”

“Nothing’s happened period,” he corrected with a chuckle. “But he did move your shift without your permission, right?”

“Yeah, but that’s not a big deal. The less I see him the better.”

Johnny didn’t say anything more until he pulled up to the gym and parked. He turned off the ignition and turned towards Daisy, breaking the silence.

“Why do you keep working here, then? If you hate this guy, your boss, why even waste your time?”

A question Daisy had asked herself many times before. A question she had honestly forgotten about once she made peace with the very real possibility that she wasn’t going to quit on her own. Saying that she was so used to this job, this environment, this routine that the idea of changing it up made her want to shit blood wasn’t typically a good excuse. At least not to other people.

It didn’t make logical sense. Her boss made her feel awful on not one, but several occasions both in and out of work. Her boss then retaliated against her, and Daisy won’t lie, she didn’t know how to deal with the sudden schedule change at first. But it passed. It passed like a kidney stone, and she didn’t want to experience a change like that again if she could help it. She knows this devil all too well.

“I like kickboxing,” was what she said to Johnny, and then she was getting out of the car.

She walked some ways ahead of him, trying to see through the tinted glass windows and doors of the establishment for that head of dark curly hair standing by the desk, but upon opening the door and stepping inside, the only person there was Willa sitting behind the front desk. Willa’s green eyes widened slightly at the sight of the man following Daisy, and then she smiled.

“Didn’t know it was Bring Your Boyfriend to Work Day,” she said.

Daisy stopped and tilted her head. “That’s a thing?”

Willa chuckled as she stood from the desk. “Only jokes. Seriously though…” She looked at Johnny, who seemed to magically know what she was asking.

“Just wanna see my best girl at work,” he told her.

“Uh-huh. You’re here for Antonio, huh? Daisy tell you everything?”

Johnny chuckled. “That obvious, huh?”

Daisy looked between the two of them, not even wanting to try to figure out how those two could communicate so effectively with so little words. She was already tired and the day hadn’t even started. But at least her friend and boyfriend got along, that was a good thing.

“So where’s this guy at?” he asked.

“He hides in the office as much as he can,” Willa replied. 

“Especially when I’m here,” Daisy added, “he’ll just go around the cardio machines and weights to try to avoid me. But that’s if he’s in a good mood.”

“Well, in that case… I’ll be right back.” Johnny flashed her a smile and wandered off towards that area.

Daisy didn’t know what to think of that, but all she could do was work as she swapped places with her friend behind the desk. Willa on the other hand was grinning the way she did when she watched Caso Cerrado and she looked at her friend that way.

“Look at that, you finally have someone who gives a shit about you!”

Daisy didn’t look up as she replied. “I thought you gave a shit about me.”

“I do, I give many shits. But this is about a boyfriend. Your boyfriend.” Willa leaned down over the desk, grinning so wide her dimples came out. “What’s it like dating someone who’s actually in your corner?”

The phone rang once again, so Daisy occupied herself with that. She didn’t know how to answer that question. She knew how to stick up for herself already, having another person doing the same just felt… redundant? She didn’t need Johnny to fight a battle for her, much less a battle that had been over for years.

Soon enough, there was a commotion near the cardio equipment, where Johnny had waltzed into. People started to recognize him, and he did nothing less but chat them up in the middle of the gym.

The commotion is what made Antonio emerge from the office. He paid no mind to Daisy or Willa as he went towards the cardio machines, only to immediately turn on his heel and head towards the desk. His hazel eyes were wide as he stared at the floor, taking a deep breath.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me Johnny Knoxville was using my gym?” he asked.

Daisy shrugged. “Sorry, he’s here with me.”

Antonio scoffed. “You and every other girl in the fucking world.”

“No, they’re dating,” Willa clarified with a smug look. “He came here with her.”

“Don’t know what teenage dream fantasy you guys are living, but…” Antonio turned back towards the entrance to the cardio section only to tense up again, as the man in question walked in.

Johnny smiled brightly as he approached the desk, looking down at the girl sitting behind it. “Hey, Daisy-doll, can I borrow a pen? Some guys want me to sign their sweat rags.”

She nodded and pulled a Sharpie from the cup in front of her.

“You’re a peach.” He winked as he went back to the group that was forming by the treadmills.

Antonio wasn’t fazed by that. He folded his arms and remained skeptical. “He’s gotta turn up the charm, all eyes are on him anyways. And no offense, Daisygirl, but why would he pick you?”

“She’s not a little bitch that’s why,” Willa muttered.

“I’d understand if it was you.” Antonio nodded towards her, disregarding her comment. “You’re easier on the eyes, and you have a brain—“

“And a dick that’s much bigger than yours,” she said, loud and clear.

Antonio gave her a look, still unfazed. “Shouldn’t you be clocking out now?”

“Oh and who’s gonna do all the heavy work around here? You?”

Daisy kept her head down, playing with the ring of keys to the lockers. She felt like a cat with its ears pointed back. All she could hear were the excited voices in the workout area, the whirring of treadmills, the smacking sounds of boxing gloves hitting punching bags in the dojo area, all  on top of Willa and Antonio bickering in front of the desk. Then the phone rang and Daisy had to use all of her brain power to focus on what the person on the other line was saying. Everything was just so loud and distracting all of a sudden.

When she hung up the phone, she got up from her chair and stepped out from behind the desk. That was right when Johnny emerged again from the workout area, and he smiled at her. However, Daisy practically ignored him and swiftly took off for the restroom.

Antonio half turned, caught Johnny in his line of vision, and scurried off as quickly as Daisy had, but he went for the dojo. That left Daisy’s boyfriend and best friend in the entrance hall of the establishment.

Johnny looked in both directions the pair disappeared to, mildly confused. “I was gone five minutes.”

Willa shrugged. “It’s just another day at the office.”

“Did he say somethin’ to her?”

“No, Daisy’s just being Daisy. Antonio, however… I think he’s avoiding you.”

Johnny leaned against the front desk, amused. “Now why is that?”

Willa chuckled, thinking he was joking around at first. But she caught his expectant look, awaiting an answer, and she perked up a little bit more. “I thought Daisy told you everything?"

“Maybe she didn’t…?”

There was a pause, and then the woman quickly scanned the surrounding area. She stepped closer to Johnny, and leaned against the desk as well, so their backs were to the front doors. Willa spoke in a much lower tone.

“The day Antonio told us you guys would be shooting here, Daisy got the call about her mom. Did you know that?”

Johnny shook his head. In the few months he had been reunited with Daisy, her mother wasn’t brought up all that much. He didn’t want to push her, but surely there was something brewing underneath. All he knew was what she had told him when they first reunited; Natalia had an aneurysm that ruptured while she was driving. That was already heavy, Johnny wasn’t going to make Daisy talk more about it if she didn’t want to.

“She came back here,” Willa said, pointing to the desk, “and she told Antonio that she had to leave because there was an emergency. And…” She sighed and shook her head at the memory. “This fucking guy was only going to let her leave for an hour. He told her that she had to come back because he didn’t have anyone else to close. Like, she was already crying and panicked, and he was still going to make her work.”

“Oh, so he’s a real piece of shit,” Johnny replied. “The hell did she see in him?”

“I dunno, but anyways. That’s not the only time he’s been a fucking asshole. Just a few minutes ago he was calling her stupid and ugly.”

Johnny would remember that.

Before a lull could emerge, Daisy returned from the restroom, looking worn and a little green. She didn’t look at either person standing at the desk as she sat down again.

“Hi Daisy.” Johnny smiled. “Doin’ okay?”

“Yes,” she replied, projecting her voice. It didn’t match with her general posture, but like Willa said, that’s just Daisy.

“¿Te cagaste?” Willa asked with an amused smile.

Daisy shook her head. “Tenía ganas de vomitar.”

“Ahh, ya estás embarazada.”

“¡Ay, cállate!” 

Willa giggled and then turned away from the desk. She spotted the owner peeking his head out from the entrance to the dojo area, and she only grew more entertained by the situation.

“Hi, Antonio,” she called out.

That made Johnny and Daisy turn to where she was looking. The latter averted her eyes just as quick, and the former only perked up more.

Antonio took a breath before joining the pack, eyes on Johnny. He held his hand out to him.

“Hi, I’m Antonio,” he said confidently. “I’m the one that let you guys film here. We spoke on the phone a few months ago.”

Johnny graciously shook his hand. This was too easy. “The guy I talked to was named Juan. Nice try, though.”

His face fell slightly. “Uh… Well, actually–”

“Hey man, if you wanted me to sign somethin’ for ya, all you had to do was ask. I’m happy to do it!” Johnny continued as he clasped him on the shoulder. Then he turned to Daisy. “You got a piece of paper or a sticky note you can spare?”

She nodded and grabbed the stack of orange stickies and placed it in front of him. Johnny flashed her a smile as he signed his name on a piece with the Sharpie.

He turned back towards Antonio and stuck the bright orange sticky onto his chest. “There ya go!”

Needless to say, the owner clocked out shortly after that interaction. Yes, he was supposed to work today but Willa begrudgingly stepped in to take over.

“It’s nothing new,” she said with a shrug.

“The man in charge leaves you hangin’ like this all the time?” Johnny asked.

“Yeah, me and Daisy might as well be the owners of this place.”

Daisy nodded in agreement, though she was still awfully quiet. She didn’t realize just how much she was holding her breath until later on, when Willa went to the office and Johnny left to grab lunch for the three of them. Today wasn’t a typical work day, or a typical Saturday period. She didn’t plan on being a perky gym receptionist, but that’s what she did.

After every shift, Daisy made the effort to get a workout in. Today couldn’t be any different, even if the gym was closing by the time she was clocking out. There was no manager around to tell her not to stick around, and Willa certainly wasn’t going to snitch on her. Johnny was more than happy to stay and watch Daisy in action anyways.

When it came to using the punching bag, Daisy didn’t hold back. She got very into it, so much that her brain turned off and her body did all the punching and kicking on its own accord. If only she had a proper opponent to get in the ring with, even if it was a bad idea. A general rule was to not go into these things when you’re upset. Daisy learned that the hard way.

She was wiped physically and mentally when it was time to go. All she wanted was to go home and sleep, but Johnny suggested just heading straight back to his place and Daisy’s mouth was moving to say yes before she could make her brain think. It shouldn’t have felt like such a long day. She tried to match Johnny’s energy when they made it to his house in the Hills. He was still upbeat and ready for the rest of the evening, no matter what it would consist of.

Daisy wanted to shower first. Maybe it would be rejuvenating. But it felt odd to be showering at her boyfriend’s place. The bathroom was much nicer than anything she had ever seen, though she didn’t like the clear glass door without a curtain in the shower. She locked the door because of that, unsure whether or not Johnny was the type of guy to waltz in and spontaneously join her. The idea was nice… as an idea. However, Daisy actually did want to take a shower and attempt to unwind, even in an environment she wasn’t necessarily accustomed to.

It had to be this way, right? Dating someone means constantly being around each other, though that was already limited to the weekends due to Johnny’s chaotic schedule. Not to mention he was going to be going away really soon, and then Daisy won’t get to see him at all.

Okay, that was something to get used to. The time away from him during the week might as well have been preparation for when he goes off to do bigger projects. He also lived in the spotlight, Daisy got a reminder of that at the gym. People constantly recognized him and wanted to talk to him. That wasn’t really a problem, as long as all the eyes were only on him.

Daisy flapped her hands in between shampooing and conditioning. She actually ended up being grateful that Johnny let her use this bathroom, she spent a considerable amount of time leaning her head against the wall and letting the hot water pelt her back.There was a small urge to repeatedly hit her head against it, but then her hands took over and met the side of her thighs over and over.

She left the bathroom feeling like there was a cloud storming over her head, and tried to diffuse it with the comfort of her own clothes she brought with her. It helped a little bit, being in a Tweety Bird shirt and little black shorts, but Daisy still found herself preparing to perk up around Johnny once she was downstairs again. He was pretty good at turning that storm cloud into little floating hearts, maybe being here wasn’t such a bad thing. 

“Oh, look at you,” he said, eyes traveling down Daisy’s physique as she entered the very large living room. “Aren’t you pretty?”

She glanced down at her attire. Her hair was still sopping wet, and she didn’t have anything nicer to wear considering that she was expecting to only be here during the night. She shrugged and didn’t return his gaze as she sat on the couch, keeping a distance. Whenever Johnny kept his eyes fixed on her, it was hard to return the contact. It was hard to look at anyone in general, but especially him. Especially now.

Daisy wished she could lovingly gaze into his eyes like couples do in the movies. Or just make spontaneous plans with him for a getaway weekend. Or have hot shower sex with him. Or literally anything normal couples do.

“You were on fire at the gym today,” he told her, shifting so he was facing her.

“Thank you,” she replied flatly.

“I mean it. That look in your eyes when you were concentrating…” he said as he scooted closer to her. He took a breath and blew it out slowly. “It’s somethin’ else.”

“Thank you,” she said again.

He moved another inch, his arm sliding behind her shoulders. “Everything okay?”

“Yes.”

A chill went down her spine when she felt Johnny’s fingers go through her damp curls. It didn’t stop him. He continued as normal.

“Boss Man ain’t too friendly, is he?”

“More of a coward if you ask me,” Daisy bluntly replied.

Johnny chuckled. “That too. He’s a coward but he still had the balls to treat you so horribly. What’s up with that?”

“It wasn’t that bad–”

“Daisy.” He paused, taking a breath. “If you say it wasn’t that bad one more time…”

She finally looked at him. His pretty face was unreadable. He was still playing with the curls on the back of her head.

“But it wasn’t,” Daisy told him. “Yeah, he’s a whiny little asshole, but… there are worse things that can happen to a person. Like, I’ve been pushed down the steps in front of my old middle school by girls I thought were my friends.”

Johnny raised his eyebrows. “What?”

Daisy went on, not catching his shock. “I got my hair cut off by the kid sitting behind me in middle school too. No one wanted to talk to me when I was in high school. People are mean, even my own mom. Oh my god, the things my mom would say to me…” She paused, feeling a weird ache begin to form in her chest. “But the point is, my bitchy little manager is nothing compared to, to those other things, so you don’t have to worry about me.”

It was quiet for a moment, Daisy’s mind went through all these experiences, wondering where she went wrong. She wondered why kindness was so hard to come by, why only two people in her life were actually genuine with her. Not even her own mother could do that. It was always a game that Daisy always lost. She didn’t even know she was playing in the first place.

She didn’t realize what was happening until Johnny was cupping her face and turning her head to face him again.

“You are,” he began, “a real badass, y’know that?”

She smiled stiffly, feeling that cold ache move up to her throat. “I don’t feel like one. I feel like there’s something wrong with me.”

“No.” Johnny shook his head, his thumb gently stroking her cheek. “All that stuff that those guys did, it’s… it’s just some no good sonsabitches who feel so shitty about themselves that they gotta drag other people down with ‘em. And I know that, ‘cause I did that for the last couple years.”

“But you’re still nice,” Daisy replied softly. “I always remembered that about you. My friend who was actually my friend.”

Johnny smiled and leaned in to plant a kiss on her temple. Then he got up from the couch, claiming he would return shortly, and disappeared up the stairs. That gave Daisy the time to scratch at the spot where he kissed her. She already knew she didn’t love the texture of his beard but this was just ridiculous. He was trying to comfort her, after all.

With a heavy sigh, Daisy lied back on the couch, and her body instantly melted. Her muscles were sore and shaky from her workout, and her mind was wiped from pretending to be a person all afternoon. Her brown eyes were beginning to droop, just as she heard Johnny’s footsteps again.

“Pulled this out of your bag,” he told her, sounding amused as he unfolded a small blue blanket. “Can I ask - why Tinkerbell?”

“No…” she said sleepily, and then the blanket was laid on her lifeless frame. The warm comfort almost took her down into slumber, but she quickly tried to snap out of it and sat up on her elbows. “‘M sorry… You invited me here, I can stay up.” 

Johnny sat back down, moving her legs onto his lap. “Hey, when you’re in my house, you can do whatever the fuck you want. I mean it.”

But I’m supposed to be spending time with you. I’m supposed to be lively and talkative. I’m supposed to be able to let you kiss me, beard and all.

Daisy could hear that voice in her head aggressively saying ¡Ya levántate! ¡No seas floja! It reminded her of Natalia, and that was the last thing she thought of before knocking out on her boyfriend’s couch.

“You get some shuteye, sweetheart,” he told her over all the noise he couldn’t hear inside her head. “I’ll be here.”

~

I’ll be here, he said.

Daisy furrowed her brow, that same blanket over her nose as she lied on her back. Different couch, different house. Same girl, same exhausted mentality. Same man, sort of. He wasn’t permanently gone, Daisy knew that much.

Johnny wasn’t even the problem at hand. He just happened to be there for a lot of it, unknowingly and inadvertently bringing these issues to light, and then he was gone. The only signs of him being in the house these days were when the dishes were suddenly clean and on the drying rack. Sometimes there was mail on the counter that Daisy had been putting off picking up even though it was only a few steps outside. Other times, there was a note on the fridge saying there was leftover takeout waiting for her. She kept the notes, every single one. But he wasn’t there long enough for Daisy to see him. Nothing was happening apart from these little things here and there.

Daisy was mostly upset about that, that absolutely nothing was happening now and she was still feeling stuck. When was therapy supposed to start working? When was PJ going to come back, did he even want to come back? 

There was still a lot to work through, a lot of chapters in her story to go through. Daisy knew deep down, like everything else in her life, this was going to pass like a kidney stone.

Chapter Text

It seemed that the closer it got to Johnny’s departure, the hotter and heavier things were turning between him and Daisy. That, paired with the fact that they still hadn’t gone all the way yet and the fact that Daisy could not get used to Johnny’s beard to save her life, only added to the tension between them. At the same time, it brought them back to square one, with only Daisy going down on her knees every so often. There weren't any complaints about that, though.

Daisy hadn’t realized how much she kissed him until she couldn’t. Some kisses were stolen in these intimate moments, quick pecks and nothing more. If it went on longer, Daisy would suddenly get turned off from the situation, and it was followed by her profusely apologizing and reminding Johnny that she still found him attractive. It happened a few times, and each time Johnny was understanding until approximately three days before his travel date.

“Alright, fuck it,” he said as he suddenly got up from the couch. He held his hand out to her. “Come with me.”

Daisy took his hand, startled by his sudden movements. She was swiftly pulled off the couch and up the stairs, unsure what to say as she watched his tall frame walk in front of her. Even when the two of them were locked in his room, Johnny instructed her to sit on the bed, and he went into the en suite bathroom.

A heavy breath came out of her, the sheen of sweat on her lower back suddenly cold. It was yet another moment of feeling like shit because she had to avoid the sensation Johnny’s current face provided. It was frustrating because she actually thought he looked very handsome with a full beard, and she tried to reiterate that every time things came to a halt. But she ended up talking so much that Johnny pointed out that she was only digging herself into a hole, that it was okay if she didn’t like his current look. It was temporary anyways.

Daisy was suddenly startled by the sounds of loud buzzing coming from the bathroom. She stared at the door, debating whether or not she should knock and ask if Johnny was okay. But she was rooted to her seat, looking around the room for something to distract herself with.

Then the door opened and Johnny poked his head out, the thick beard now drastically shorter. “C’mere, doll.”

It was another sudden change that Daisy didn’t see coming, but she stood up to get a closer look anyways. Her heart pounded and melted at the sight of Johnny with stubble, the sight more clear now in the bathroom light. She caught a quick glance at the electric razor sitting on the counter, but was quickly distracted by Johnny taking her hand and placing it on his jaw.

“How’s this?”

The familiar and oddly satisfying scratchy feeling brought a smile to Daisy’s face, and she brought her other hand up to touch as well. She was so touched that he went to this extent for her, but she couldn’t help the pit of guilt in her stomach.

“I thought you had to keep the beard?” she asked, unable to keep her hands off his face now that the nice sensation under her fingers has returned. “What about your movie role?”

“I really don’t give a fuck about that right now,”  Johnny told her as he reached for her wrists. He gently moved her hands to his shoulders, and then he was gripping her waist, making her squirm. “Sorry Daisy-doll, I know I’m getting carried away. I just have to—“

He effortlessly backed her up against the sink counter, and then grabbed her thighs to lift her up onto the surface. Finally, he cupped Daisy’s face and pressed his lips against hers.

Daisy’s breath was taken from her lungs as she was manhandled and kissed like that. There was always that part of her body that wanted to scream in protest, and there was the other part that wanted more of this touch. It was conflicting, and all she could do was sit there, hands in her lap, while Johnny held onto her.

His tongue tasted her bottom lip, and then he pulled back slowly, lingering just for a second. Then he leaned back in to leave a softer peck on her lips before finally getting a look at her blushing face.

“I haven’t kissed you in almost a month,” he told her as he rubbed his thumbs against her cheeks. “And I’m leavin’ for two…”

“‘M sorry,” she breathed out, her brain struggling to keep up with the situation.

“Sorry for what, baby?”

“For not kissing you for almost a month.”

Johnny didn’t say anything as he dropped his hands down to her shoulders, then down her arms. Daisy watched as he took her hands and ran his thumbs over her chipped yellow polish.

“You know what I was doing that whole time?” he finally asked. When Daisy shrugged, he continued. “I was looking up reasons why someone might not like facial hair. I was literally on my computer trying to find, oh I dunno, a scientific reason for this?”

Daisy blinked in surprise, still staring down at their hands. That was a first, and she wasn’t sure if she should be flattered that he took the time to do such a thing, or worried that he picked up on how strange that quirk is. “What did you find?”

“A whole lotta nothing. Teen magazine articles saying what girls want and whatnot. But you’re not a teen, and you’re…” Johnny paused and licked his lips. “I’ve just never been with someone like you before.”

Someone like you. Daisy heard that phrase before, and she wasn’t dumb enough this time to ask what that meant. It was usually followed by blatantly cruel words, or words that sounded nice but felt off for some reason. She liked Johnny a lot, and she wanted to keep it that way. If he thought something bad about her, it was best she never heard it.

“So…” she said, gathering a new thought. “So, you know I can’t help these things…”

“I figured, yeah. Stuff like your cute little Daisyisms. But uh… other stuff’s got me confused, and I’d like a little help clearing that up.”

Again, should she be flattered or worried by how observant he was?

“Stuff like what?” she dared to ask.

“Like uh…” Johnny huffed out a breath and squeezed her hands. “Are you still into this?”

That was the last thing Daisy was expecting. She actually looked at his face to see if he was smiling or holding down a laugh, because that question felt like a joke. A really mean one at that.

“Yeah,” she told him as sincerely as she could.

His fingers twitched against her skin. “You sure? Look, I don’t care what we do when we’re together, but lately all you’ve wanted to do is lay on the couch and sleep, and you won’t let me touch you. And uh… I just shaved off a month’s worth of facial hair for you and you’ve hardly looked at me, much less given me a kiss.”

Well, if Daisy wasn’t short circuiting already, she definitely was now. She was surprised her head hadn’t blown a gasket. She thought she was better at showing her interest and giving Johnny her attention, how could she slip up like that? Her mouth opened like she wanted to speak every corny, cheesy thought she had about him but all that came out was nothing.

She couldn’t help it, that's what she just established, no? So how was Johnny still asking questions about her minimal eye contact and odd touching problem? Because it’s strange, and it’s not what a good girlfriend does, that’s why.

“I… I wish I could put my thoughts in your head,” she said because those were the only words she could string together. “So then you would know, because I don’t know how to say it all.”

“You can try,” Johnny suggested.

Daisy took a breath and let go of his hands to shake hers out. “It’s like I told you before, if I didn’t want you, I’d tell you. I can’t sugarcoat things, remember?”

“You did say that, yeah.”

Things still didn’t feel resolved. Daisy wiggled her toes and tried to think faster, tried to make those thoughts into words. None of this ever came natural to her. All she could do was try with all her might to keep this guy around.

“You - you’re, uh,” she babbled. “There’s - fuck, I hate words. Uh - I don’t… I don’t… want… to lose you.”

Johnny tilted his head. “You’re not losing me. I told you, you’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.” Then he paused and looked around the bathroom. “I just… I just needed to know we’re still on the same page.”

“Oh… well, we are.”

“Good. Now I’m gonna take a page outta your book…” He touched her chin and guided her up so she was looking at him. “You should kiss me.”

Daisy grinned and put her hands on his shoulders, leaning in to close the gap between them. As soon as their lips met, Daisy tangled her fingers in Johnny’s hair and tried to keep him as close as possible, and he easily stepped forward between her legs. His arms went around her waist and pulled her in, making Daisy shudder at the feeling of his dick(ies) rubbing against her shorts. Something was in the air tonight, something was just clicking.

“What’s happening?” she whispered between feverish, long-awaited kisses.

“It’s up to you,” Johnny told her, his voice low in a way that made Daisy’s insides melt. “But… while we’re being honest, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop if we keep goin’.”

Daisy felt the same way. They had been working towards this moment for the last three months. It made her heart race. She had to decide now and tell him before she couldn’t anymore, and that was coming up fast, in the moment because her vocal chords gave out and because there were only 3 days left. The heat of Johnny’s hands burned through her clothes, and all Daisy wanted was for him to put his hands everywhere, even if it was going to make her head and heart explode. She was sensitive, yes, but she was trying to channel good energy into it. The more she lets him touch her the quicker she’ll grow accustomed to it, right?

So she told him what she wanted, and then Johnny was leading her back into the room. Things moved very quickly, more deep kisses were shared, Daisy’s shorts were removed from her legs, and Johnny was on his knees, eating her out with as much enthusiasm as the first time he did it. That something for her to notice; Johnny never half-assed anything, in or out of the bedroom. It was incredibly attractive in the moment, his determination to make sure Daisy had a good time.

It was better than good this time. She found herself pulsing over his tongue, and with his nose practically rubbing against her clit, Daisy was close to the finish line in record time. 

But, just like the first time this happened, she didn’t want it to be over so soon. In fact, she wanted more, and her brain was going so insane that she opened herself up to it. Urgently, she squirmed and reached down to grab Johnny’s shoulder to get his attention.

“Fuck me,” she breathily whispered, head spinning. “Please fuck me…”

Johnny did not need to be told twice. In a flash he was getting up and pulling his white t-shirt over his head. Daisy hadn’t noticed the imbalance of clothing between them, and that only made a new wave of heat wash over her body. Then she realized she should probably be getting completely naked too, and she threw the comforter over herself before taking off her shirt and sports bra.

“You getting shy on me now?” Johnny asked with a cheeky grin. He was unbuckling his belt, the movement of his hands were where Daisy kept her focus.

“I did get nervous all of a sudden, yes,” she admitted, her heart racing in a way that grounded her and made her very aware of the situation.

Johnny stopped what he was doing and put his hands down on the foot of the bed, leaning in towards her. “Good nervous or bad nervous?”

“Good…”

“Look at me.”

“I can’t.” She paused. “But I’m good, I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

That was a good time for Daisy to remember his don’t ask, just do request. She leaned forward to kiss him again, lingering a bit as she delicately placed her hand on his waist, reaching for his belt loops. The blanket fell as she started to move towards him, standing on her knees to keep their foreheads together. Johnny kissed her again, and Daisy took his hands to put them on her body, letting him roam wherever he pleased. She tried not to think about the gravity of the situation by occupying herself with undoing the zip on his pants and pushing them down his hips. Then she slid her hands up his body and into his hair, if anything to resist the urge to flap her hands.

“How are we doing this?” he asked between kisses, the tips of his fingers tracing up her spine.

Daisy involuntarily arched her back at the light touch, her bare chest touching his. A shaky breath came out of her as she tried to find her words. This would have been better discussed before all of this, how did it slip her mind?

“Uh…” 

“Okay, you think on that.” Johnny kissed her forehead and stepped away. He went over to the nightstand by the bed and dug through the bottom drawer for a condom.

Daisy went back to the head of the mattress and pulled the blanket over herself again. She took some breaths to calm her beating heart and tried not to let her mind spiral. She also tried to make peace with the possibility that she might end up in missionary, unsure of how serious Johnny was about making eye contact.

Johnny lied down next to her when he was situated and ready for her. “You still with me?”

She nodded, not realizing that she had been clutching the blanket with an iron grip until Johnny had placed his hand on hers. She relaxed enough to let him intertwine their fingers, and then he was pulling her towards him, making her turn onto her side.

Seeing him on his back, his neck and chest out just waiting to be kissed, filled Daisy with a new carnal desire. She was making the decisions, so she decided to show him what she could do. Something along those lines came out of her in a dazed mumble as she shifted to sit on top of him.

“This is what you want?” Johnny asked as he looked up at her, only to receive an enthusiastic nod. “Anything you want me to do?”

Daisy inhaled sharply, working to find her voice. She took his hands and put them on her waist. “Just… look. Pretty.”

The smile that grew on Johnny’s face made Daisy want to twirl her hair and kick her feet. She was really working overtime to keep herself still and sexy, but the way she bit her lip felt anything but as she prepared to sink down on him. She shut her eyes to focus on feeling good, getting it in the right place, and not falling down an unnecessary spiral because holy shit. Her heart pounded as she filled herself up, going down so slow that it made her thighs ache.

Johnny sucked in a breath, barely noticeable. “You’re doing great, doll…”

That was when Daisy remembered to breathe, coming out in short little spurts that only added to the spinning feeling in her head. She clutched the tops of her thighs just to hold onto something, determined to get through this without any pauses or breaks.

There was a sudden shift underneath her, making Daisy’s eyes fly open. She caught an eyeful of Johnny sitting up to cup her cheeks, his little silver necklace catching the dim light.

“Take it easy,” he told her. “Take your time, there’s no rush.”

She nodded softly.

“Can you look at me, pretty girl?” 

The pet name made her stomach and everything below it flutter, but she shook her head. Her eyes were stuck on the silver necklace he had on, almost like it was an anchor.

Johnny’s thumb brushed across her bottom lip, as if it cast a spell so Daisy could kiss him. From there, Johnny let one hand snake around the back of her neck and held her close. Daisy hesitantly moved his other hand down to her chest, gasping when he immediately started tweaking her nipple. She barely had a second to breathe as Johnny closed the gap between their mouths once more, both of them grunting as their teeth clashed.

“Sorry…” he mumbled quickly before properly capturing her lips. Gentle, but still needy with the way he held her against his hot body.

Daisy’s fingers tangled themselves in his hair, pulling a little too enthusiastically as the sensation on her nipples sent her to the sky. She pulsed around his cock, and was happy to receive a soft grunt from him in return. Hearing that needy sound only once wasn’t going to be enough, Daisy needed more, and so she started to rock her hips. It wasn’t much given the position they were both in, but it was something.

Johnny huffed out a breath, reaching down to get a handful of her ass. Then he pushed Daisy’s curls off her shoulder to kiss down her neck and gently bite her collar bone, already knowing how to get her going. Daisy leaned back, her thighs clenching around Johnny’s hips as he leaned down to get her nipple in his mouth. She planted her hands behind herself, head tilted up towards the ceiling as the heat in her body skyrocketed.

“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Johnny mumbled against her skin, letting his lips brush against the hard peak. He kissed across her chest, eliciting more desperate rocking on his cock. “Mm, you’re really hot for it, huh?”

Daisy pushed on his shoulders before he could continue defiling her skin, her hands shaking. Johnny leaned back, looking up at her as he let himself fall under her touch. He kept his eyes on her as he lay back down, Daisy could feel his gaze and she thrived on it as she worked to get a steady rhythm going. Her hands went back down to her thighs, trying to feel more good than spacey.

She started small, rolling her hips in short, quick movements. Her thighs were clenching, but she could keep going. She silently thanked the stars for her frequent training at the gym. It was only having to adjust to the fullness she was feeling paired with resisting the need to flap her hands that was challenging.

The sound of Johnny’s voice helped bring Daisy back down to earth again, even if it was just a deep groan. He watched her move on his cock with such intensity, a look in his eyes only seen during intimate moments like this. His gaze traveled down her naked body, and then he was reaching for her hands.

“Here…” he rasped out as he guided her to his chest. “Don’t be afraid to scratch me up…”

The leverage helped, because as soon as Daisy got a better rhythm going and Johnny had his thumb on her clit, both of them moaned out loud. His cock was hitting in just the right spot, and it made Daisy move more vigorously as she chased that delicious feeling. Her fingernails dug into Johnny’s broad chest, raking up and down his pecs hard enough to make him groan.

“That’s it, that’s my fuckin’ girl,” he breathlessly told her as he ran his free hand up her torso, squeezing her breasts before moving down to her ass. “Fuck, you’re doing so good…”

His words only made Daisy keen and whine desperately, shocking her system with every syllable. She squirmed, hands moving almost frantically around Johnny’s body for something to keep her sane. But he was starting to moan even more, and that sparked Daisy’s interest. She opened her eyes just a peek.

His cheeks and chest were flushed pink, pairing nicely with the lines Daisy marked him with. His mouth was parted open as he watched where their bodies connected, his eyes half-lidded until they trailed up her body. He met her gaze for less than a second before she was turning her head away.

“I see you staring,” he said with a grin. “C’mon pretty girl, look at me. Want you to see what you’re doin’ to me.”

She shook her head, though she had to admit deep down, the way Johnny was challenging her only made the moment hotter. Daisy felt him everywhere, in every cell of her body and in every corner of her mind. But she couldn’t fill that single request of his. She shook her head again rapidly this time, like she was shaking out the lurking anxiety.

Wait. That wasn’t anxiety. That was the sound of the headboard hitting the wall. Daisy slowed down and stared at the dark brown wood, like she was angry at it for ruining the moment. She rocked her hips in a slow circle, trying to find the good spot again in a way that wouldn’t make that awful repetitive noise happen.

“What’s wrong?” Johnny asked, tilting his head back. “What are you looking at?”

Daisy slowed down to a stop, catching her breath and regaining the ability to talk. “The… the sound. I don’t, I don’t like it…”

“What? The headboard? Just try to ignore it…” he told her as he held her hips in an attempt to make her move again.

She tried, because usually the pheromones trumped everything else. During previous events when Johnny’s head was between her legs, Daisy could forget about the small things that typically made her blood irrationally boil. He was just that good at keeping her in the moment, in their tiny little world.

But the tapping against the wall felt like nails on a chalkboard. Daisy stopped again when the noise invaded her ears and shook her head.

“I can’t… I’m sorry, I can’t…”

Johnny was also out of breath, but he sat up and looked around the room in thought. “Huh… can’t say I’ve had this happen before… we can try the guest room? There’s no headboard, but the bed might squeak.”

Squeaking was better than the sound of loud tapping according to Daisy. She agreed to it and climbed off of her boyfriend. He took her hand and led her out of the room, down the hall to the one meant for guests. There were stray boxes strewn across the floor, but the bed was made with dark sheets and in place of a headboard, a work of obscure art hung on the wall. Overall, the room was kind of a mess.

“Do you not have people over or do your guests hate it here?” Daisy asked, looking around at the mess. She knew she shouldn’t have said anything though, her own apartment had seen better days.

“Whoever stays over doesn’t sleep in here,” Johnny said. “Usually we all pass out in the living room or the yard. Too wasted to walk up those stairs.”

Daisy understood that. She and Johnny had fallen asleep in his living room before. They had many moments alone in this big house in their short time together, and another was going to be made in this guest room.

Soon enough they were settled on the bed, Daisy crawling on top of him to continue what had been started. She guided his hands across her body as she feverishly kissed him, putting her tongue in his mouth for once. When it came to the right time again, Johnny helped her sink down on his length, and it was like no time was lost. Both of them were gasping and moaning softly at the sensations at first, but only Johnny was still able to talk through all of it.

He told her how pretty she looked riding him, how she was taking his cock so well… Then his voice started to quiver after a short while and he gripped her waist.

“Maybe you’re taking it too well…” he groaned, gritting his teeth. “Fuck - you look so fuckin’ good… god, you feel fucking good…”

The speed in which Daisy was going began to falter and turn sloppy, just because the sound of his voice made her clench around his cock. Her thighs were starting to give out, and the ache in her ankles was beginning to take her out of the pleasure that was consuming her. She huffed out a breath and tried to shift to a more comfortable position while bouncing on him, but the feeling wasn’t as enticing.

“C’mon, Daisy-doll, don’t stop now,” Johnny grunted, tightening his hold on her and helping her bounce.

She tried shifting her legs again, her little sounds coming from discomfort rather than pleasure. All of the squirming and fidgeting resulted his cock slipping out of her, and Johnny sat up immediately.

“Alright, we’re switching places.”

Daisy could only stare blankly for one second before his arms went around her waist and sent her onto her back. She yelped out at the sudden move, windswept and moderately overwhelmed as she felt Johnny hovering over her.

“Sorry, honey,” he told her as he kissed her cheek. “You got me real hot, gotta fuck you the way I want to… that okay?”

She nodded, eyes closed and head turned away from him. Then a hand went under her chin a little rougher than normal and moved her swiftly enough to make her eyes fly back open. She barely caught Johnny’s eyes boring into hers before setting her gaze on his mouth.

“Say the fucking word.”

It was something about the way he requested it. Something about how he took charge, something about his ability to manhandle Daisy like that. It had her heart racing and her nether regions burning all while sending a wave of anxiety through her chest. But she didn’t want to stop.

She barely whispered out a “yes” before he was leaning down to eagerly kiss her and wrap her legs around his hips. He guided her hand like they established early on and placed it on his ribcage, reminding her that he didn’t mind getting scratched up. Daisy had every intention of being gentle, keeping her hands to herself, and staying as quiet as possible, but that was all going out the window as she felt the heat of his length ease inside her once again. Something about being in this position made her feel small, but not necessarily in a bad way. Giving up the control she had didn’t feel as scary with him.

The squeaking of the mattress was drowned out by Johnny’s groans that were close to her ear. He needily kissed her neck, sucking on certain spots as he quickly rocked into her. It made Daisy crazy in a new way, a way that she welcomed as her lips pressed against his collar bone. As soon as he was hitting a specific spot, Daisy involuntarily sank her teeth into his skin.

“Fuck!”

She gasped and let go immediately, alarmed. If her face wasn’t already red, it was now. She frantically whispered apologies, curling into herself as much as she could in this position.

“It’s okay, sweet thing,” Johnny told her with a smirk, unrelenting with his hip movements. “Didn’t know you had it in ya… do it again…”

It was with a little hesitation and the bitter metal taste of his necklace that Daisy did what she was told, going for the crook of his neck this time. The feeling of the chain against her teeth made her let go quickly, but Johnny’s words of encouragement kept her going. Marks were forming on his collarbone before they knew it, and Johnny was returning the gesture from the way his fingers dug into her thighs. His sounds were coming from deep in his chest as he bucked his hips harder, removing his lips from her neck to press their foreheads together.

When he finally stilled and tensed, her name came out breathlessly from his lips onto hers. Johnny then clumsily thrust a few more times, his cock pulsing in a way that made Daisy moan softly, but audible enough for him to catch it.

Daisy heard herself too, but she felt far away. She wasn’t sure where her hands were. Her eyes were staring somewhere, definitely not at the man on top of her. The warm pleasant feeling was still surging through her body, but her body felt like a rock until that comforting hand found its home on her cheek.

“You okay, sweetheart?” he asked before gently kissing her forehead. “Need a break?”

She nodded lightly, regaining a sense of her surroundings. It wasn’t that she forgot where she was, her mind and body just did weird things sometimes. Her fingers were curled against his back, sore as she straightened them out again. Her knees and hips felt the same as she shifted a little bit.

Johnny’s thumb rubbed her cheek gently as he looked down at her. What he said next came out in a tone so timid that it actually made Daisy wake up a little more.

“Can I cuddle you for a minute?”

She nodded again, and was pleasantly surprised that the feeling of him laying his head on her chest and practically dropping his weight on top of her had the same effect as when he squeezes her in his arms. Her hands traveled up his back and she tangled her fingers in his hair, gently scratching his scalp. She stared at the white ceiling and found herself enjoying being in this position a little bit more. The sound of Johnny’s breathing acted as a white noise, bringing her a new kind of comfort. The longer he lied there on her chest, the more Daisy wanted to keep him this close. That was very new to her.

Johnny turned his head to kiss her chest after a while, right above her cleavage. Then his nose traced a line up her neck, where he pressed his lips against the spot just below her ear. He asked if she had come yet, to which Daisy whispered a no with a soft shake of her head.

“Do you want to?” he asked, nosing her messy curls. “I think you should…”

So she nodded and whispered again, and then Johnny was working two fingers in her and sucking on her nipples until she was writhing and arching her back. He coaxed even louder moans out of her, and praised her for it all the way until she was coming around his fingers.

Daisy had a hand on Johnny’s shoulder for a clutch. Usually he had on a t-shirt that she would grip like a lifeline but instead she just left him with more scratch marks, too blinded by the pleasure to remember the rules she had internally set for herself. She wasn’t gentle with him, she wasn’t quiet, and she didn’t keep her hands to herself, all because of him. All for him.

“God, you’re feisty, aren’t you sweet thing?” he asked over the wanton sounds she was making. “So good for me too…”

He removed his fingers when Daisy frantically grabbed his wrist and tried to close her legs, absolutely spent. When she turned her head away from him bringing the digits to her mouth, Johnny sucked them clean himself. Then he moved off of her and off the bed.

“Gonna take you back,” he told her as he reached for her trembling body. He put her arm around his shoulders and then scooped her up, carrying her back to his bedroom.

Daisy was too dazed and sleepy to protest being moved in such a way. She found herself curling into Johnny’s body as he held her, and only made a sound when she was being laid down again. He was hopping in under the sheets with her as she reached for him.

“I’m here Daisy-doll, I got you.”

But as soon as his arm went around her, Daisy turned away onto her other side. She took his arm and pulled it across her waist so he was spooning her, and then was she finally able to breathe… and tear up a little bit.

“Thank you.”

“For what? The orgasm?” Johnny smirked as he rested his head by the crook of her neck.

He wasn’t wrong about that. Daisy sniffled before she added, “And for being nice.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” Johnny asked. “Why wouldn’t I be nice to my best girl?”

Daisy shrugged, hesitating. She wasn’t sure how to answer without making things depressing, so Johnny took a wildly accurate guess.

“Is it because I’m an asshole to the guys?” He chuckled, only to stop at the amount of silence that came from Daisy. “Oh…”

Thank god he knew how to read her. Her heart slowed down at that little fact. Johnny was figuring out how to read her… He was observant enough already, but to know he was figuring her out made more tears well up in her eyes.

“Well, that's only for them,” he explained. “It’s a guy thing, doll, I’d never come at you with a stun gun or anything. Listen…” He moved so he was resting on his elbow, looking down at the girl who wouldn’t return the gaze. “Everywhere I go, I’m that jackass on TV. People come up to me and want me to do something stupid, or they wanna fight on the spot."

“You’re terrible at fighting,” Daisy said.

“Exactly, so I don’t know what they’re trying to prove.” Johnny exhaled softly. “Even around my guys, I gotta amp it up a little.”

“Like you’re wearing a mask?”

“Not really, not around them… but what I’m getting at is this: around you Daisy, I don’t have to be any of that. I don’t wanna be all that. I can relax with you. I’m… safe with you.” Johnny offered a small grin.

If she wasn’t so tired and out of it, Daisy would have flapped her hands at those words. Her toes were wiggling under the blanket, unbeknownst to Johnny, who was just looking at her face with his cute brown eyes. She couldn’t help but feel relieved, everything she was doing was working. He felt good around her, and she felt…

“It’s funny you say that,” she told him, “‘cause you make me feel like I can do anything.” Even if it’s bad for her. But Johnny didn’t need to know that part. Even if something is bad for you, at least you’re living, right?

“Aw Daisy-doll, you don’t need me to make you feel like that,” he replied. “You’re already capable of doing anything.”

She was already wiped out from the sex, hearing such encouraging words only made her throat sting. She hummed softly to pull herself together.

“But no one has been as patient as you,” she admitted. “And anyone who’s tried to be patient was still mean about it.”

Johnny nodded once and settled back down to his previous position. “I figured someone wasn’t treating you right in the past.”

Daisy chewed the inside of her lip, wondering if she was facing him would she be able to say any of this. “I… I can’t fault someone for wanting to just hook up and be done with it, no questions asked.”

“Sure, but if the other person isn’t being good to you then where’s the fun in that?” Johnny paused for a moment. “Were you ever forced into anything?”

“No,” Daisy replied. “If that happened, you would have known a long time ago. It usually went like… I would just ask to go slow and then the other person would think I’m a virgin.”

“That’s not a bad thing.”

“Well, they all made it sound like it was.” Daisy shrugged softly, finding his hand under the blanket and mindlessly touching the palm. “Or I’d be called a tease or a bitch or stupid and they would leave.”

“Because you wanted things to go slow?” Johnny asked, surprised. “What kinda motherfuckers did you used to know?”

“Friends, strangers, boyfriends…” Daisy sniffed. “I dunno, people are just mean.”

Johnny held her a little tighter and kissed her shoulder. “I’ll never be that way with you. And if I ever am, you got every right to kick the shit outta me.”

She had no idea if he was serious or not, but she didn’t want to fathom the idea that one day he would stop being so patient and understanding. That Daisy would do something to make him waver. The thought made her heart ache, it scared her. This relationship felt too good to be true, and that also made it too good to let go of.

Daisy was mindlessly playing with Johnny’s fingers as it dawned on her that this was the first time she was properly cuddling with him. She could have told him to give her some space, she was still overwhelmed by the sensations and emotions of all that happened in this room... and the other room, and the bathroom. But the desire to be close to Johnny and the joy it gave her that he wanted the same thing made it a little easier to get used to things like this.

“Is that a camera?” Daisy suddenly asked, her eyes falling on the nightstand. She wasn’t sure why that was the thing to get her attention given all that’s happened.

There was a green disposable camera sitting on the stand. Why it was there of all places was interesting. Why Johnny had a disposable one as opposed to those really nice digital ones was even more interesting.

“It is,” he told her. “I like to have ‘em around when there’s people over. We get hammered, we take pictures, and then you try to put together what happened that night just from the photos.”

That was a good idea. Daisy couldn’t really remember some of the nights she went out with Johnny and his friends. Maybe it was better that way, because if she was aware of her actions she might not have done them and then she wouldn’t be… living? Acting like a regular person?

“I think…” Johnny said as he reached over, squishing Daisy for a second while he grabbed the camera. Then he lied on his back and winded the little gear. “…there’s room for one more.”

~

Another day, another victim of nostalgia. Daisy opened up another bent and beaten up cardboard box in the garage, and was met with a stack of photo albums. She knew some of them well enough to know what time period they were from just by the cover, so she removed the ones from her childhood, in search for more recent pictures.

There was a pink one towards the bottom of the box, polka dotted with tiny red hearts. The corners were chipped a little and the plastic made an uncomfortable ripping sound when Daisy opened it up, and the photos inside made her heart ache. Polaroids from past Girls Days, and blurry disposable camera photos from various parties that were way too chaotic for her filled the first few pages. Daisy shook her head at the curly haired girl half blinking and giving dead smiles in these little moments in time. Did that girl know what damage she was doing to herself? Was she aware that it was all going to crash and burn in a few short years?

One of the photos on the last page made her heart swell with both affection and pain. It stood out, compared to the other memories with friends and families. She took the glossy photo out from its place in the album and got to her feet, abandoning the boxes and albums on the floor.

Daisy gazed down at the photo as she went back inside the house. She blinked a few times, and then spent a few seconds moving the glossy sheet closer and further from her eyes, only to remember she wasn’t wearing her glasses. But she wasn’t horrifically blind… she could still make out herself and PJ laying in his bed in his old house, their bare shoulders catching the flash of the disposable camera. She had her eyes shut and was sticking her tongue out. He had on that adorable open mouth smile. Happy. Dazed. Both of them.

Chapter Text

“Alright, fuck it,” Johnny sighed as he got to his feet. He held his hand out to a wide-eyed Daisy, knowing she was thrown off by his sudden move. “Come with me.”

Daisy took his hand, so cautious and hesitant like she was going to burst into flames if she touched him. Johnny left his own hesitance at the door, firmly holding her hand as he took her upstairs. He had had it with seeing her flinch and cringe when he tried to kiss her, and don’t get him wrong, he loved that Daisy went down on him more often these days because she couldn’t kiss him on the mouth. But Johnny couldn’t do the same without her practically squeezing his head between her thighs because the sensation of his fucking beard was too much for her.

It already took a while to get to where they were now, it took longer than any relationship he’s ever been in. The last thing Johnny wanted was to feel like they were going backwards.

“Sit.” He pointed to the bed, and Daisy silently went.

Once Johnny went off to the bathroom, he shut the door and sighed again. He looked at his reflection for a long minute, and then grabbed his beard trimmer from the drawer. He was absolutely going to get into some trouble for this, given that he was supposed to start shooting as soon as he got to Joshua Tree, but he stopped caring. He flipped the switch regardless. It’s not like it was the first time he did something he wasn’t supposed to, but he had a really good reason for doing so sitting on his bed. The look was always supposed to be temporary anyways.

He made short work of trimming it all, and let the bits of hair fall down the drain. Then he switched the trimmer off and opened the door again, finding Daisy exactly where he left her. “C’mere, doll.”

It was hard to read her face as she approached. That deer-in-headlights look came down over the time she had been with Johnny, but that only turned into a semi-permanent neutral look on her face most of the time. Even if she was happy, but not if she was excited. Johnny half expected that glint in her eye to appear when she saw him in the bathroom light, but her pretty face gave nothing away. So Johnny took her hand and placed it on his jaw, right on the stubble she used to marvel at.

“How’s this?”

She smiled timidly and brought up her other hand as well, looking at his whole face. She was soft with her touch, making Johnny lean into it. Daisy was incredibly still, and that was only noticeable because she usually moved around more when something surprised her. Or excited her. Or made her feel anything. Her Daisyisms came out to play, but now? Stiller than a statue.

“I thought you had to keep the beard?” she finally asked. “What about your movie role?”

Johnny took her wrists, gently because he had to stay mindful, and he put her hands on his shoulders. He paused for a moment, waiting to see if she would remove herself or step closer, but she was rooted to her spot. As per usual, Johnny had to get it out of her, test the waters and see where she’s at.

“I really don’t give a fuck about that right now.” He snaked his arms around her waist, and she squirmed and gripped his shoulders tightly. “Sorry Daisy-doll, I know I’m getting carried away. I just have to—“

His heart pounded as he stepped closer to her, intending to close the space between them. But Daisy took a step back, and all Johnny could do was move in until she was leaning against the counter. The heat radiating between the two of them got intense in record time, Johnny couldn’t resist lifting her up and sitting her down. He felt her shoulders tense at the sudden move, but she quickly relaxed when Johnny cupped her cheeks and finally kissed her. He smiled against her lips, every piece of her walls that broke away was just another thing to celebrate.

He may have spoken too soon. His tongue tasted her bottom lip, but he quickly realized she wasn’t going to let him go further, so he pulled back slowly, just in case she wanted to close the gap and continue what he started. However, Johnny caved first (which he never did until Daisy happened) and leaned back in to leave a softer peck before finally getting a look at her blushing face.

“I haven’t kissed you in almost a month,” he reminded her, all while silently begging her to meet his gaze. “And I’m leavin’ for two…”

“‘M sorry,” she whispered, and that was something nobody wants to hear during moments like this.

Johnny didn’t want to hesitate, he had to be the one to have it all together for her. “Sorry for what?” 

“For not kissing you for almost a month.”

The relief he felt was hidden pretty well, even if it didn’t entirely clear things up. Johnny had to remember that Daisy was incredibly straightforward, and if she didn’t like something, she would tell him. Maybe it was time for Johnny to return that honesty. 

He opened his mouth to speak, felt that bundle of nerves that typically happened around her, and he dealt with it by holding her hands and staring at her little fingers. This was much easier after a few rounds of liquid courage, but if Daisy was blunt sober didn’t Johnny owe her the same respect?

“You know what I was doing that whole time?” he finally said, focusing on that yellow nail polish she had on. “I was looking up reasons why someone might not like facial hair. I was literally on my computer trying to find, oh I dunno, a scientific reason for this?”

Well, it wasn’t just that. In the few times it was just the two of them, Willa had told Johnny a couple of things. How sometimes Daisy needed to be left alone, how certain things, like velvet and the smell of pasta, made her gag or visibly cringe. It’s never personal, no, Daisy would say that loud and clear. Daisy, sweet as she was, did not fuck around.

It’s not that Johnny didn’t know those things about Daisy. He had seen how frustrated she gets with herself when she’s overwhelmed with anything. Johnny was just used to having to pull things out of people’s mouths. Girls say one thing but then mean another, leading to a whole deal of miscommunication. They expect you to read their minds and know exactly what they’re thinking and feeling. So whenever Daisy spoke, Johnny found himself trying to pick apart her words until she would clarify that there was no underlying intention.

“What did you find?” she asked him.

“A whole lotta nothing,” he replied. “Teen magazine articles saying what girls want and whatnot. But you’re not a teen, and you’re…” Johnny chose his words carefully, remembering other things that the best friend had told him. This is just how Daisy is. Why is she like this? Who the hell knows? “I’ve just never been with someone like you before.”

“So…” Daisy wrinkled her nose and closed one eye in thought, like she was actively pushing them out. “So, you know I can’t help these things…”

“I figured, yeah. Stuff like your cute little Daisyisms.” Which were absent from the situation, Johnny noticed. Her happy flappies and dancing feet were nowhere to be seen. He had to be honest with her. “But uh… other stuff’s got me confused, and I’d like a little help clearing that up.”

“Stuff like what?”

“Like uh…” Johnny huffed out a breath and squeezed her hands. “Are you still into this?”

He stood there, tall and confident in his words, though on the inside he felt anything but. As soon as that question was in the air, every little thing Daisy did that could be interpreted as losing interest played through his head. She was awfully quiet. She avoided going anywhere that involved his friends, and if she did, it was only for an hour two at most. Finally, she hardly acknowledged the new lack of beard on her boyfriend's face… Yeah, Johnny needed to know if this thing was going anywhere.

Daisy actually looked up at him, her face still unreadable. “Yeah.”

His fingers twitched against her skin. He started to understand how other people get so needy, because even though he usually took her one word answers at face value, he found himself needing more this time.

“You sure?” Here we go. More honesty. “Look, I don’t care what we do when we’re together, but lately all you’ve wanted to do is lay on the couch and sleep, and you won’t let me touch you. And uh… I just shaved off a month’s worth of facial hair for you and you’ve hardly looked at me, much less given me a kiss.”

Her mouth opened to speak, even though that last line was an invitation to kiss him and resolve everything. Just that would fix it all, didn’t she know that? No, because Daisy was sitting there thinking, and thinking hard. Johnny almost wanted to tell her not to hurt herself.

“I… I wish I could put my thoughts in your head,” she said at last. “So then you would know, because I don’t know how to say it all.”

“You can try…”

“It’s like I told you before…” Daisy let go of his hands to flap hers at her sides, “if I didn’t want you, I’d tell you. I don’t sugarcoat things, remember?”

Johnny couldn’t fault her for that. It’s on him for not remembering that. “You did say that, yeah.”

Still, he decided to not say another word after that. Not move another inch. Just to see what she would do.

“You - you’re, uh,” she stuttered, looking down, her hands still moving erratically. “There’s - fuck, I hate words. Uh - I don’t… I don’t… want… to lose you.”

Now he had to step in. Making her nervous wasn’t part of the plan, not that Johnny had a plan formulated to do whatever it was they were doing in his dirty bathroom. There wasn’t the slightest thought to end things if Daisy couldn’t say what he needed to hear, not a chance. Johnny knew there were other ways to express those things, and he only had so much time before that opportunity was gone.

“You’re not losing me,” he reassured, even though he was the one that needed it in the first place. “I told you, you’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.” Now it was his turn to look away from her, sheepish about having to blatantly admit to his worries. He never really had to do that before, usually he was the one having to put a partner at ease. “I just… I just needed to know we’re still on the same page.”

“Oh…” Daisy nodded once. “Well, we are.”

And that was all he needed.

“Good. Now I’m gonna take a page outta your book…” With much more confidence, Johnny gently held Daisy’s chin so she could look at his face. “You should kiss me.”

He needed that reassurance. And the sex. Especially the sex. So help Johnny if he left for weeks without knowing what it was like to be with her this way. So help him if he left and came back only to have to start from the beginning because Daisy had gotten used to him not being around.

~

“So how are you dealing with your solitude?” Ruth prompted.

To say that Daisy had let herself go over the last couple of weeks… or months, was an understatement. During her first session with Ruth, she tried to look normal and put together. She wore a sundress and sat up straight. Now, Daisy considered herself lucky that she got out of bed and put on two day old leggings. She leaned her head back on the couch and sighed.

“I… don’t know. I’m just mad.”

“Mad… over which part exactly?”

“I don’t like that he left. Just… up and left.” Daisy shook her legs, her mind short circuiting at that very fact.

She thought she would remember this feeling of being left to her own devices. How she would struggle to go back to her own life while Johnny was gone doing some big project. How she tried to remember her life before he walked into it the way he walked into her gym.

~

Daisy couldn’t help the fact that she liked to be by herself. When she found herself alone, she felt herself recharging and coming back to life, completely unbound by the expectations placed on her. She could lay on the floor for hours, she could walk on her toes, and she could fidget in her seat without anyone giving her a strange look.

Despite the fact that no one was there to watch her act out her little Daisyisms much less name them, she actually adjusted well to being on her own when Johnny left for Joshua Tree. Just ignore the part about her sobbing her eyes out the day he left, and ignore the part about letting her answering machine fill up with calls from Willa and various family members. Especially ignore the part about her mother’s absence feeling particularly heavy because Daisy tried to think about how her life was before Johnny was in it, and the only glaring difference was that Natalia was still alive back then.

Okay, maybe Daisy was having a hard time adjusting. But she also felt somewhat rejuvenated when she went back to work that Monday, having spent the entire weekend alone. That included sitting out of Girls Day, much to Willa’s disdain. Weekdays ended up being easy, staying busy with work and working out. Daisy even got a visit from her cousin Lucia and her 5 year old daughter Annalise. Nothing exciting happened there, apart from Lucia asking when the family was going to meet Daisy’s new boyfriend, and Annalise doing a very good impression of Wednesday Addams. (Lucia married a goth man, and their daughter was following that path.)

It was the weekends - particularly Saturdays - that were a little harder to get through. That was the one guaranteed day Daisy had with Johnny prior to his departure, and sitting alone on her couch watching Tom & Jerry did not have the same spark it used to. She slept on the couch those days.

It’s not like Johnny didn’t let her know he was thinking about her. Some days there was a bouquet of yellow roses waiting at her door when Daisy came home from work. Other days he would call her. But that was spontaneous, and it was always quick. Johnny was either on set with a few free minutes, or he was in bed starting to nod off. He typically asked about Daisy, seeming interested in her talking about a cartoon cat blindfolding himself before getting hit by a bull and other bits of media she consumed. She would ask about him too when she remembered, and Johnny always told her that he wanted to fill her in, in person. There were a lot of things he wanted to do with her in person.

So when Daisy’s cell rang on a Saturday evening, she picked up so fast it was almost embarrassing. However, it wasn’t Johnny’s voice she heard on the other line.

“Hey dude!”

She scrunched her brow, trying to make out the gravelly voice. “Steve-O?”

“Hi!” The smile was evident through the phone.

“…how did you get my number?” she asked.

“I got my connections,” he told her, and when he only got silence in return, he elaborated, “Got it from Pontius.”

“How did he— never mind,” Daisy said, scratching the back of her head. “What’s up?”

“Well, we haven’t heard from you in a while. What are you doing tonight?”

Who’s we? Why did Steve-O care anyways? Daisy was dating his friend, wasn’t she only tolerated because of that? Wasn’t that a “rule” of the dating world? Get along with your boyfriend’s friends, but don’t keep them too close. They’re his friends, after all.

“Why do you ask?”

“There’s this party I'm throwing at my place. Pontius wants to see if you can catch all the spiders and rats in my apartment, so you should come,” Steve-O said.

Daisy wasn’t sure what part of that was supposed to be appealing. She was not in the right mindset for a party, nor was she ever. She only went to gatherings like that with Johnny or Willa, and both were unavailable. While Daisy wasn’t spooked by creepy crawlers or rodents, she didn’t like the idea of being in an apartment that was housing such things. Finally, she had very little notice of this event and that just rattled her brain. That’s not to say the contrary happened when her boyfriend was around, she just had an easier time going through with it. Something about the way he sweet-talked her made all these last minute debaucheries sound appealing. And they were for a few golden minutes. Daisy just didn’t like the way she felt after these events, and she boiled it down to not having enough time to plan and prepare.

“I’ll pass,” she told Steve-O, looking down at the Tinkerbell blanket draped over her body. “I’m really tired. I’m actually about to go to bed.”

“Okay, I’ll pretend to believe that and let you go,” he said with a chuckle. “But really, dude, I know Knoxville being outta town has gotta be doing something to you, so I just wanted to see if you were alive.”

Daisy had a sneaking suspicion that it should have been the other way around, but she didn’t speak on it. While she did appreciate Steve-O checking in on her, and promised herself to return that gesture when the opportunity showed itself, Daisy still wanted to be left alone. She got her wish.

Meaning, Johnny didn’t call. He sent an email early the next morning though, apologizing for not calling and promising to do so as soon as he was able. There were emoticon hearts attached as well, and it only made Daisy wonder how to do that.

Then Sunday happened. Girls Day this week was supposed to be relaxing and without the usual crowd. Willa came over with rosé and raided Daisy’s fridge for strawberries and ice to blend them all together, and there were plans to watch movies all day.

“We’re not watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit again,” was Willa’s only rule when the icy drinks were made, causing Daisy to pause her movements as the VHS was in her hands. “We watched that last time I was here, and I don’t know how much more I can take of Jessica Rabbit’s jacked up body proportions.”

“Jessica’s not that bad,” Daisy protested as she begrudgingly put the movie back on the shelf. “She’s just drawn that way.” She for one thought that silly rabbit’s wife was very nice to look at, but that’s besides the point.

Willa picked the movie after finishing with the icy drinks. However, it was only a few minutes into Elvira: Mistress of the Dark when there was another knock on the door. The two girls shared a look with each other before Daisy got up to see who was there. It was only a few steps to the front door, but the knocking was somewhat persistent. She heard two men laughing with each other outside and almost thought she was crazy for recognizing the sounds.

Steve-O and Pontius were on the other side. They both smiled brightly at Daisy, who only stared with wide eyes, holding the door close to her so as to block off them entering.

“We’re not late for Girls Day, are we?” Pontius asked, surprising Daisy because she didn’t think he had been into it at the beginning.

“Well, it was—“ she tried to say but Willa came up behind her in a flash.

“Never!” she said over Daisy’s shoulder. “Come in, we’re watching chick flicks!”

Elvira was hardly a chick flick. Daisy didn’t understand.

It went from Willa, Steve-O, and Pontius making fun of this movie, to Daisy feeling irritated because she didn’t plan for this nor had she seen this movie before so she couldn’t understand what was going on, to Steve-O pulling out a blunt and passing it around. Then everything was quiet in Daisy’s little curly head. While the other three talked about how each of them would have survived the Salem witch trials (“you guys are guys - that’s how you survive,” Willa told them like it was a mystery she solved by herself) Daisy felt okay for the first time in days… weeks? She forgot how to tell time.

She was the one who drove when the other three got the munchies. Weirdly enough, Daisy didn’t feel as irritated as before when they started arguing about chicken nuggets. Steve-O got particularly loud when the poor drive thru worker notified him that the ice cream machine was broken, but then Daisy drove somewhere else to get ice cream. She was fine. It was strange.

The guys were a little snoopier than normal upon returning to the apartment. Steve-O was spending an awfully long time in Daisy’s bathroom, while Pontius was looking through her media collection. He wasn’t looking for anything to watch, he was just commenting on the amount of animated films she had on VHS. Daisy only stood by and watched as the order in which she placed her tapes and DVDs slowly came apart. She wasn’t that bothered by it today… normally it would rattle her if something on her shelf was out of place.

“Oh - what’s this?” Pontius asked with a knowing voice. He held up a DVD that wasn’t in a case, but in a paper CD holder. “How’d you get your hands on this?”

Daisy stepped over and took the DVD, taking just a bit too long to read the three simple words written on the disc. She then handed it back to Pontius and said, “PJ left that here.”

“He just had a copy of our movie on hand?”

“Yeah, I missed the friends and family screening so he stole a copy and we watched it together here.”

Thinking back, Daisy couldn’t remember what was so damn important that she had to miss such an event. It’s not like she was allowed to go to the red carpet premiere, it was much too soon for her and Johnny to be in public. Plus, she’s a nobody. No one wanted to see a nobody next to someone like Johnny.

Pontius giggled and nodded like he was in on something. “Okay, you watched a movie together alone in your apartment.”

“Don’t be nasty,” called Willa who was lounging on the couch with a joint in hand.

“You’re sitting at the crime scene!” Pontius laughed.

She rolled her eyes. “You were sitting here too, last I checked.”

Daisy looked between the two of them, and decided not to ask what the fuck they were talking about. Instead, she plucked the DVD from Chris’s hand and went to pop it in the player. She wanted to see Johnny’s face.

The first time she saw Jackass: The Movie, Daisy was honestly surprised. She knew that she had spoken to Johnny mostly over the phone while he was off shooting the film earlier this year, and she only caught glimpses of what he had been up to. She had no idea what she was walking into, even after having seen every episode of the original TV show.

It was surprising because she didn’t worry about Johnny or his safety, as odd as that sounds. The violence reminded her of the cartoons she loved, and the camaraderie made her yearn for connections like that. She was too enlightened by the film to freak out over her boyfriend suffering various blows to the head and other parts of his body.

This time wasn’t all that different, and she probably had weed to blame for that. She sat on the floor in front of the TV, ignoring any other commotion going on in the room until Pontius called her name.

“Just clear it up, did you or did you not get busy with your man on this couch?”

Daisy peered over her shoulder, only to see him standing next to the old brown sofa, where Willa was still spread out across the cushions. She made her response simple.

“The couch is too precious to me for things like that to happen.”

Apparently it wasn’t simple. How does she have the gall to make it to the bedroom, especially with someone as excitable as Johnny? How does one not get railed on every surface when they’re dealing with him?

“Speaking from experience?” Willa teased as she reached up to poke Chris’s stomach.

He giggled and took her hand, squeezing her index finger.

Again, Daisy kept it simple. “He listens to me.” And she didn’t answer any more questions. She was too engrossed in the film.

She hardly listened when Steve-O eventually came out of the bathroom, much more chipper than normal. He and Pontius were definitely sharing random stories about the making of the film, having only Willa to listen.

It wasn’t until Johnny was snoring in the department store did Daisy’s ears perk up.

“You guys ever done that to anyone?” Pontius asked.

“No,” Willa replied.

“Yes,” Daisy piped up, eyes still glued to her concussed boyfriend. Her heart cracked slightly at both the sight and the story she was about to share.

She was training with a newcomer. Daisy’s coach was aiding both of them, telling the pair to watch one another and learn each other’s moves. The only issue was that prior to coming to the dojo, Daisy argued with her mom about god knows what. All Daisy could remember now was that she left Natalia’s house just fuming, wiping angry tears away on the drive, and ready to take that anger out on something.

Or someone.

Not even thirty seconds into the first round, Daisy got the poor girl with a particularly brutal kick to the side of the face. The girl collapsed to the floor of the ring and couldn’t get up without assistance. Daisy remembered seeing the dazed look on the girl’s face, it was awfully similar to Johnny after squaring up with Butterbean.

“I don’t think she ever came back to the gym after that,” she recalled with a sigh.

“Yeah, you fuckin’ scared her off!” Steve-O replied with a laugh. “Now we know Knoxville’s never gonna mess with you!”

“Oh yeah,” Pontius agreed. “And if Daisy doesn’t kill him, Willa’s gonna have to do it.”

“Mm, you’re not wrong,” Willa hummed.

That wasn’t the point of the story. Daisy didn’t want to hurt Johnny like that, even if he did her wrong and especially if he asked her to. Her training wasn’t for hurting others, it was for defense. And a sense of accomplishment. Kickboxing was one of the very few things Daisy felt that she was good at.

After the movie, Steve-O and Pontius suggested going out for drinks, because they had run Daisy’s apartment dry of alcohol and snacks. Daisy and Willa graciously declined the invitation, both having to work the next day.

“So are we,” Pontius said, “never stopped us before!”

“Yeah, you guys are built differently than us regular people,” Willa told him with a chuckle. “We got bedtimes.”

And Daisy was certain that Johnny was going to call soon, but she kept that to herself. Prior to today, Daisy was very blunt about kicking Willa out if Johnny called. Maybe she was still high and it made her want to be polite.

Thankfully, tonight Willa already knew how things went. She made her departure shortly after the boys did, adding a tell him I said hi before she was out the door. She was good people. Way too understanding of Daisy and her Daisyisms, much like Johnny was.

Once she was alone, a wave of restlessness consumed Daisy. She went about the living room, cleaning up the scraps of fast food bags, empty glasses, and crumbs off the table and couch. She took the Elvira DVD out from the player and put it back into its case, wondering why she ever purchased it to begin with. She wasn’t sure what her own taste in anything was anymore.

The silence was getting to her very quickly, so Daisy put Who Framed Roger Rabbit on the VHS portion of her player just to fill the void. As soon as it was playing, Daisy debated turning it off. For some reason she was certain that the phone - be it the landline or her cell, was going to ring soon. She should sit down and wait, because if she was caught in the middle of a task, she would never finish it. Or she might not answer the phone.

She was wiping ash off the coffee table and staring at the TV, realizing how much time had passed when she was watching the title character cry over the betrayal from his beloved. Her heart ached slightly at the scene, even though the tears and wailing were supposed to be funny. This movie made her feel a lot of things.

It occurred to her shortly after that there was no set time that Johnny was going to call her tonight, let alone a guarantee he would call at all. There was a chance that Daisy was killing time over nothing, and she would stay up late for nothing. That chance only increased when she remembered that she was capable of using a phone as well.

She leaned against the wall next to the front door, tangling the yellow cord around her fingers as the receiver was pressed to her ear. Her eyes were glossed over and fixed on the TV some ways away as the other line rang.

“Hello?”

It was like being pulled out from underwater. Daisy opened her mouth to speak and only felt a wave of emotion threaten to take over. It took everything in her to sound like she was normal.

“Hey, PJ…” 

“Oh, is that my Daisy?” his voice asked.

She grinned, holding the phone cord a little tighter. “It is. Are you busy?”

“Nah, I just sat down. What’s goin’ on?”

I miss you i miss you i miss you come back i miss you oh my god what the fuck i miss you…

“Uh…” Daisy didn’t think about this beforehand, she was definitely still high. She needed to write down icebreakers so she could do this better. “Just wanna hear your voice, that’s all. Do you have time?”

“I got all the time in the world for you, Daisy-doll.”

~

It has been like this for weeks, living like she was waiting for something, anything to happen. Being on her own while Johnny went to do bigger and better things happened on numerous occasions. Only this time, he didn’t have any huge project going on, it was radio silent. He was listening to her, respecting her wishes like always.

“So why don’t you call him?” Ruth asked. “From what I understand, you two communicated a healthy amount. Why is it different now?”

That never occurred to her client. Honestly it was just a testament to how jacked up her brain had gotten over time. Taking matters into her own hands was the obvious choice, wasn’t it? If you want something done you gotta do it yourself.

“I’m mad at him,” Daisy said regardless of that little epiphany. “I'm mad because he should know.”

“Know what?”

“How hard it is for me.” Daisy couldn’t explain the emotion bubbling in her throat. “He’s the only person who’s actually tried to understand me, he listened to me when I told him to leave.”

She told him she wanted space. Then he packed a bag and was gone the next day. It’s not that she didn’t want to be around him, it’s not that she didn’t love him. Daisy thought that he would know that. But the silence between them over these last few weeks proved otherwise.

“So you should call him,” Ruth advised. “Tell him to come home.”

“But I already told him to go, and if I just turn around and take it all back, I…” Daisy trailed off, the confusion and frustration working their way to her tear ducts.

Ruth helped her figure it out.

All of it was internal. All of the anger and other negative emotions were towards herself. It was her fault that he was gone in the first place.

“So he’s out for the time being,” Ruth said. “Does being alone in that house help you at all?”

Daisy shrugged. “It’s a new house… feels different and weird.”

“Oh you just moved in? I gathered that moving anywhere takes a toll on you. How long have you been living there?”

“Hmm…” Daisy had to think about it, and mumbled to herself. “When did I get robbed? Yeah, it’s been about two years.”

Ruth stared politely. “Firstly… you’ve been living in that house for two years, but it still feels new?”

“Yeah…” Daisy said softly, now timid because she should have known this was weird. “I think it takes a few years for me to fully adjust to things.” Lord knows what’ll happen when she has kids.

“Okay.” Ruth made a note of that. “Secondly…. You were robbed?”

“Oh yeah, that happened. It was a whole thing, it was the one time I decided to travel and then…” She shrugged again.

“May I ask how come you haven’t mentioned it before now?”

Now Daisy felt a little inadequate, and a little stupid. She was supposed to talk about her entire life, not just her relationship. But there were always doubts running through her head.

“I know I spend a lot of time talking about PJ… I just feel like my story isn’t worth telling if he isn’t involved somehow.”

“You mean your life?” Ruth corrected. “It is worth it, Daisy. I want to hear about all of it, that’s why we’re here after all. But if this burglary is something you do not want to discuss, then we can move right past it for now.”

She nodded lightly, forgetting what it was like to hear someone who wanted to know about her and not the man around her. But still, he was the reason why anyone was listening at all, right?

And anyways, to tell the burglary story would require a lot of skimming and skipping. But Daisy felt sure that no one cared about that.

Chapter Text

There wasn’t ever a time where Daisy didn’t sleep for hours on end. However, she never slept excessively for several days in a row. Having next to nothing to do should not be a reason for her to feel so tired. She was debating picking up caffeine again if it meant she would be awake and productive, even though the therapist told her that her free time didn’t have to be productive. If Daisy wanted to rest then she most likely needed it.

Dust had been collecting on the table and consoles in the living room, and Daisy felt determined to clean it up herself, not wanting to spend another afternoon wasting away. She was flipping through channels, searching for a movie to have on in the background. This would have been the perfect time to put on Roger Rabbit but her VHS copy had been stolen a couple years ago. Though, given that DVDs were the thing now, Daisy wasn’t sure who would want such an outdated piece of—

“Oh hi…” Daisy mumbled when she saw a flash of a familiar blonde singer/actress on the screen. She quickly flipped back, just in time to catch the blonde hold a man down by his neck with her stiletto.

As if Daisy needed anything more to feel guilty about. She had seen this movie only once before, well over a year ago when it first came out in theatres, and it was to keep the ticket stub like she had with all of Johnny’s movies. She also did not attend the red carpet premiere with him, and thinking back, Daisy wasn’t even sure what stopped her from going and supporting her boyfriend and his pretty costars.

Cleaning now completely forgotten, Daisy planted her sad butt down on the couch and watched yet another movie her boyfriend was in. You’d think she was dumped by the look on her face, eyes glossing over as she watched her boyfriend brawl with other people. She missed him.

Why she was surprised to hear herself giggle at the bar fight scene, she didn’t know. If she had known how cartoony the stunts were going to be she might have stayed in Louisiana for longer than a weekend, circumstances be damned. Daisy giggled again at that thought. She knew herself better now, she never would have done that no matter how much she was begged.

~

In the last 2 years, Daisy learned a couple of things about herself. One thing was that she was thriving on her own. See, Johnny had only been home with her a handful of weeks out of the year this year. He was a busy man, having movie after movie lined up. Daisy was happy that he found things to do after Jackass, that he wasn’t just resorting to a quiet life. She knew Johnny didn’t function that way; But Daisy did.

The thing to get used to in this relationship was the lack of time together. There were very few discussions about it because Daisy just agreed to do long distance without a second thought. Johnny was pleasantly surprised by this, expecting to have to reassure her and wipe away potential tears over his constant traveling. Instead, he reminded her that she was tough as nails before kissing her goodbye. See, the tears only happened after he was gone. It happened every single time, and he was none the wiser.

But as soon as that passed, Daisy was comfortable in a routine. Working, working out, Girls Day, and visiting family became essential. Her own life, a life without her mother and boyfriend, was starting to have some semblance of stability and it was oddly soothing. But that’s not what this is about. Transitions are very difficult.

Allowing herself to open up to Johnny in every aspect was a challenging transition. Allowing Johnny to be in her space wasn’t any different. It took a lot of time, and a great deal of trial and error. If Johnny wasn’t so patient and if Daisy wasn’t so into him, this thing would have been over not even one year into it. But they figured things out step by step, and they were both very happy to be there.

Basically, Daisy learned that if she was turned on enough, she could do almost anything that Johnny asked of her. There was the time she gave him road head on the way to Indio last fall on the way to Daisy’s cousin’s birthday party. There was the time he was going over a script for a movie he was set to do, and he wanted to try “method acting,” which just meant that he went down on Daisy because his role was being an omnipotent sex god who loved going down on women. Another time Johnny convinced her to fly out to Westchester while he was guest starring on Viva La Bam , but that was a whole other story.

And if Johnny donned that handsome sailor suit he got from the Advocate photoshoot? Oh, Daisy was so weak at the sight of him that she let him finger her in the back of a cab on the way to the bar. Coincidentally, that was the same night Daisy discovered that she didn’t care who was in earshot, much less watching the salacious activities between her and her boyfriend.

The point is, Johnny was irresistible. That’s what brought Daisy here, on her squeaky couch that was only turned squeaky in the last few months because - you guessed it, Johnny couldn’t wait to get to the bedroom. But he wasn’t here now. Daisy was watching her boyfriend on the TV set, acting as the omnipotent sex god who was less of a god and more of a random mechanic with a gnarly concussion. She remembered bits and pieces of the script when Johnny read it with her last year, and she definitely remembered Johnny asking if she would come with him to Baltimore, where the film was being shot. Just like the times before, Daisy declined because believe it or not, she actually liked her mundane life when Johnny was gone. 

Did she miss him? Yes, Daisy walked around her apartment with his shirt up to her nose so she wouldn’t have to go a second without taking in his soothing scent. Not to mention her appetite just shrank during the first week Johnny was gone, that happened every time he left. Oh, and nights were especially difficult because that was typically when she would see him on regular days and his absence was especially heavy in the late hours.

But other than that, Daisy liked her routine. She took the same road to work every day, she had the same frozen waffles and disturbingly strong coffee for breakfast, and she always saw Willa on the same days during the week. It might be boring to some, but Daisy couldn’t see it any other way. She wasn’t sure how to explain that to Johnny without sounding crazy, so she just told him that she had to visit family, work, and pay bills.

And was she having quite the time watching A Dirty Shame alone on a Wednesday. She would love it more if Johnny was here, but he didn’t seem like the type to rewatch his own projects. Not to mention, having a bottle of tequila to yourself while you yearn for your boyfriend who was on the other side of the country was just a little pathetic. However, no one was watching, and no one was supposed to know that this was what she got up to when left to her own devices…

…then Daisy grabbed her phone off the coffee table as soon as she saw some fingers go into her boyfriend’s mouth.

As usual, Johnny would call Daisy spontaneously while he was away. It seemed that any moment he had free, he would try to contact her, whether he was in his trailer or on the way back to his hotel. Daisy was either at work or sulking at home. It didn’t matter how long the calls lasted, or what was discussed, it was just nice to hear his voice. (It would be even nicer to have some sort of schedule when it came to communicating from other ends of the country, but Daisy could deal. Kind of.)

It was definitely late where Johnny was, so hearing his voice clear as day on the other line after 2 rings was almost jarring. Jarring, but exciting. Daisy paused the movie and sat up straighter as if he was in the room with her and she needed to look attentive.

“Hey doll, I was just thinking ‘bout you,” he said, the smile evident in his tone.

Daisy twirled her hair and wiggled happily at the sound of his voice. “Hi… uh, I miss you!”

“I miss you too, honey. What are you doing right now?”

“I just had some drinkies and put on a movie. I finally got around to watching A Dirty Shame.” She smiled and bit her lip.

“Yeah? And what's the verdict?”

“It’s ridiculous, but you’re like, really hot and that’s why I love it.”

He laughed on the other line. “Aw, Daisy.”

“D’ya still have that jacket?” she asked, trying and failing to sound sexy. “You look really good in it.”

“Hate to be the bearer of bad news, doll, but no. Belongs to the costume department. If I had known you were gonna like it, I would have smuggled it off set like I did with that little sailor number.”

Daisy let that sit in her head for a minute, disregarding the flashbacks of boarding that sail. “You mean, if I had gone with you to Baltimore instead of just staying here in LA? Did I understand that correctly?”

“There’s no right or wrong way to understand, baby. You’re your own person, you don’t have to follow me everywhere.”

“Okay.” Daisy grabbed the large glass bottle from the table and took another swig, shaking her head at the feeling. “I still miss you a lot. All the time.”

“How much do you miss me?” he asked, his voice changing in a familiar way. “And what’s that jacket got you thinkin’ about?”

Daisy got up off the couch and began to pace around the living room. She took one glance at the TV and saw the movie paused on her boyfriend’s face, the reason why she called in the first place. “That lady really put her fingers in your mouth?”

He laughed on the other line. “That’s what you’re thinking about? You know she was trying to make me gag right?”

“Well, you’ve made me gag before…” she said timidly as she grabbed the remote to turn off the TV. If she had to look at that any longer she might lose her mind. She was already getting hot and bothered. “Never really thought about doing it to you, but after seeing it…”

“You wanna try it.” It wasn’t a question. He just knew how to pull the words out of her. “You want me to suck on your fingers, sweetheart?”

Daisy could feel her voice leaving, which was a problem because she was on the phone. This would be the point where Johnny would give her his hands to guide him in all the right ways until he was coaxing her voice out of her with a curl of his fingers, or a well timed bite on the neck, or with the pounding of—

“Daisy-doll? You still with me?”

“Yes,” she choked out. “Yes, I want that.”

“Atta girl. You know, I don’t think you should have to wait for it that long,” he told her.

“Me too…” She paused, allowing herself to stay quiet for a second. Then, “I need you.”

“Not as much as I need you, pretty girl.”

Oh. Oh. Yeah, she was done for. At the sound of that specific pet name, Daisy might as well have dropped to her knees. She might as well have dropped her panties and sat with her head down and ass up at the deep, raspy tone of his voice.

“I’m free this weekend,” he told her, “what about you?”

Daisy wasn’t even sure why she was even thinking about it. She nodded as if he was in the room and then mumbled a yes. As usual, her voice went to that quivering, awkwardly pausing every few words. “Are… are you coming…”

“Oh, I will be,” he said without missing a beat.

The breathy laugh that came out of her mouth helped relax the tensing muscles in Daisy’s body. She had a better grip on her bearings as she tried again. “Are you coming here?”

Johnny hummed. “I was thinking about flying you out here, get you outta that little apartment.”

That was the wash of ice cold water Daisy needed to fully ground herself again. For one thing, Daisy already left her apartment a healthy amount. She worked every day, and she visited her cousin Lucia in Montebello… once. If she was thinking with her mind, she would have informed Johnny of this. Instead, she agreed to fly out to Baton Rouge, under two conditions:

“No one should know I’m there. And no one can interrupt us.”

“That’s my girl.”

That Friday morning, Daisy was boarding a plane to Louisiana. Johnny promised to take care of her, take care of everything in person. He got Daisy a first class roundtrip ticket and a chauffeur to take her to his hotel, said it was the least he could do for her since she agreed to such a last minute trip. Daisy would have been more excited if she didn’t have to call off work for that one day. She was fine with spending the weekend somewhere else, it wasn’t that last minute, and she knew what the plan was ahead of time. But you know… routine. Friday was one of her work days and despite the fact that her boss hadn’t changed much in the last two years, Daisy still felt inexplicable guilt leaving her job hanging like that.

At least she was able to cry it out on the plane, but that may have been the espresso she had that caused it. She cried enough to where the people sitting around her bought her round after round of drinks to take the edge off. Needless to say, by the time she touched down in Louisiana, Daisy was feeling much better. She got off the plane and spotted the chauffeur holding a sign with her name on it, and she talked the poor man’s ear off on the way to the hotel.

Technically, Daisy wasn’t supposed to say who she was here to see, but the driver asked. This trip was supposed to be discreet for her own safety and privacy, and Daisy was quite good at changing parts of herself to be more invisible. Because of her own hermit ways, and strategically planned date nights, the press had been generally unaware of her existence for the entirety of her relationship thus far. She was very okay with that, and she had no idea how Johnny did it, because the hotel was surrounded by photographers and fans alike. Someone must have let it slip that he and his costars were staying here. But Daisy got through the back entrance with her suitcase in tow without being noticed, mostly because she walked fast. It was bitterly cold outside and she was wearing a new dress.

He was on the top floor, making the elevator ride just long enough to make Daisy start with her silly little movements, out of nerves and to warm herself up again. It had been two weeks since she'd seen him, which wasn’t long enough to get used to his absence. She could see him without getting unnecessarily emotional, and that was convenient. This weekend was supposed to be sexy and fun and inside the comfort of Johnny’s hotel room. That’s what he promised her, the deal they made together.

She walked on her toes once she was on the correct floor, following the arrows down the corridor. Once she was at his door, she fixed her shirt and smoothed out her hair before knocking. She took a breath and broke out a smile as Johnny answered.

“There she is, c’mere!” he exclaimed as he scooped her up in his arms and lifted her up.

Being squeezed in his arms helped take the edge off. Daisy smiled into his shoulder, taking in his scent. He had just gotten out of the shower, given how wonderful he smelled and how damp his hair was. She only made a noise when he kissed her cheek.

“That’s different,” she mumbled, and she was promptly put down.

“What is?” Johnny asked.

Daisy reached up to touch his face, feeling the hair on the sides. “Facial hair.” The last time she saw him, Johnny was clean shaven.

He smiled and took her suitcase by the handle, leading her inside the room. “You like it? I gotta keep it on for the movie, so it’s staying no matter what.”

“I like it, you look handsome as hell.” Daisy smirked, she had missed the scratchy feeling.

“Aw, well thank you.”

She followed him further into the room, and realized it wasn’t just a simple room. It was a whole suite. There was a dining area where a bottle of wine sat in some ice on a pretty wooden table. There was a chandelier, a nice TV, everything made of luxury. But Daisy wasn’t interested in looking around or seeing the view out the massive windows. She spoke again just as Johnny did.

“So how was the—“

“You should kiss me now.”

He turned from the table, surprised. “Not wasting any time, are we?”

Daisy shook her head. “I’m tired of waiting. You need to kiss me.”

“You don’t gotta beg me, sweetheart.”

And so he backed her into the table and had her right there, not even waiting to get fully naked, he just reached under Daisy’s dress, commenting under his breath how pretty she looked. As usual, Daisy was quiet with her sounds, and only spoke through clutching Johnny’s arms and feverishly kissing wherever she could until she was close to the finish line. All it took was Johnny putting her ankles on his shoulders and telling her how much he had been thinking about this. He fucked her until her thighs were shaking and his name was the only thing coming out of her mouth.

Afterwards, Johnny carried a very dazed and sleepy Daisy to the master bedroom. He set her down on the soft bed and threw the cover over her.

“Can’t believe you’re actually here,” he mused as he leaned down to kiss her forehead. “You want a drink? You hungry?”

“Drank on the plane…” she mumbled as she got comfortable in the sheets, her eyes fluttering shut. “I don’t like flying…”

Johnny chuckled. “I know. But you did it anyway, and I promise I’ll make your trip worthwhile.”

Like you fucking haven’t already. Like you didn’t just lay me on a table and pound me til my limbs were weak.

Daisy fell asleep with a ghost of a smile on her face. She woke up to more familiar sensations on and around her, one of them being the security blanket she brought from home, and the other being her boyfriend lying next to her.

She picked her head up, feeling it spin, and noticed that it was slightly darker in the room, the lights were off and the sun was peeking around the large curtains. Her hand mindlessly clutched the blue Tinkerbell blanket that was magically laid on her and brought it up to her nose as she settled in again. She met Johnny’s gaze next to her, and he was smiling softly. Daisy couldn’t even believe that she was here. It felt like a dream.

“Hey, sweet thing,” Johnny said as he rolled onto his side to face her.

Her toes wiggled excitedly under the blanket. “How long was I out?”

“Just a couple of hours. So tell me, was it the flight or the orgasm that knocked you out?” He smirked and raised a brow.

“Both,” she told him. “I still feel kinda dizzy, though.”

He nodded. “You’re probably just hungry. You’ve been grumbling up a storm in your sleep.”

That would make sense. Daisy couldn’t remember if she ate at all today. She only remembered espresso that made her hands shake on the flight before her kind seat neighbor ordered her a mysterious shot. Luckily, Johnny ordered room service pizza while she was asleep, and it arrived shortly. They ate in bed and caught each other up on the last two weeks. Daisy knew damn well her time in LA was far less interesting than what her boyfriend had been up to, but he still asked her questions and listened as she went on about how annoying the lights in the grocery store were.

“Invest in aviators,” he joked. “Wear ‘em all the time like some asshole.”

Daisy giggled. “Is that why you wear them all the time? The lights are too much?”

He shrugged but didn’t really answer. Instead, he told her about filming the movie. As it turned out, Johnny was glad to have taken the role of Luke Duke. Before he left LA, he had been hesitant, but the car stunts eventually won him over. Now, he was excited as he talked about how much fun he was having with his costars. He told Daisy all about how he got high with one of them.

“Thought you didn’t like weed?” Daisy asked.

“Yeah, but when Willie Nelson is offering, you can’t say no,” he replied with a chuckle. “Man, I wish you’d be here long enough so you could meet him… and Seann and Jessica and everybody else.”

The idea was appealing but it made her stomach turn too. Daisy knew the plan for the weekend. She knew what Johnny promised her, and she would remind him of it if things started to derail. All she wanted was to be in this hotel room with him for the next forty eight hours. Alone, uninterrupted.

Soon enough, the pizza box was empty and discarded, and Daisy didn’t want to wait again, or give him the chance to suggest leaving the room. She straddled Johnny's lap and cradled his face as she feverishly kissed him for only a second. Everything below the belt felt awfully open, and one look down showed that she still wasn’t wearing anything under her little yellow dress.

She took matters into her own hands and pulled the soft fabric over her head, discarding it to the floor.

“Can I just say how happy I am that you don’t hesitate around me anymore?” Johnny said, shamelessly admiring her naked body. His fingers smoothly ran across her stomach, around her waist, and interlocked behind her back, resting comfortably as he smiled up at her.

Daisy’s thumb brushed against his dimples as she returned the smile. But she only shrugged at his words, prompting him to continue.

“You weren’t even here five minutes before you wanted me to give it to ya.” He winked. “We wouldn’t have done that a year or two ago, huh? And now here you are, throwing yourself at me.”

“I just need you…” she said simply. “All the time…”

“Not as much as I need you.” Johnny kissed her once more, trailing a hand down where Daisy wanted him most. His fingers felt around her clit, down to her lips, and circled around her entrance. “God, I missed this…”

Daisy sat up on her knees to give him more space. Her breath hitched as his fingers slipped inside, curling in a way that only felt wonderful coming from him. She clutched his shoulders tightly, throwing her head back as she melted into what he was giving.

It didn’t take long for her to start riding the digits, for her audible gasps and his words of praise to fill up the room. Johnny had his free hand up her red t-shirt, grabbing at her boobs and playing with her nipples every so often, just to elicit the softest sound coming out of her. As soon as Daisy started getting louder, Johnny removed his fingers and brought them up to her open mouth.

“What was it you wanted to do again?” he asked with a smirk, biting his lip as she eagerly sucked the digits clean. “Oh right, this was supposed to be the other way round, huh?”

Daisy hummed. She was clenching around nothing, and she needed more. She knew she missed Johnny more than anything. His presence, his smell, his voice… Daisy just didn’t realize how much. The idea of staying here long term was just a little more appealing, and that says a lot.

She cupped his cheek and tried to use his moves against him, tracing his lips with her thumb. However, Johnny kept his mouth shut with a tight lipped smile. Once he took back his hand he grabbed her wrist and turned his head away.

“You’re not getting it that easily, sweetheart. You’re gonna work for it.”

Daisy narrowed her eyes and tried to talk back fiercely, but her voice was still on the mend, so she sounded the slightest bit pathetic when she choked out, “I got on a plane here… and I missed work…”

“That’s not what I mean. Here, lemme go find a condom.” Johnny shifted slightly only to pause and gaze up at her. “Unless you wanna skip that part?”

She would not say this out loud, but Daisy had been missing doses of her birth control these last few weeks. Something about the unnecessary feeling of her life derailing and the world ending kept her from remembering basic tasks. It was a miracle she remembered to brush her teeth today. Again, she wasn’t going to just say that, especially not now.

All she did was rapidly shake her head and move herself off of his lap. While Johnny went off to find what he needed, Daisy settled down in the sheets, taking a few breaths. The short time alone made her realize that she didn’t pack any of the pretty lace she kept in her drawer at home, nor did she bring her vibrator. That last one was mildly intentional, given that all she had was a carry-on, and she didn’t want to be stopped by a TSA agent over a sex toy. But still, now that she was here and her mind was doing funny things, she really could have used the good vibes.

Her fingers curled around her Tinkerbell blanket as the thought of not leaving this place on Sunday sat in her head. Actually, the fact that she left home in the first place was making a burning tightness form in her chest. Daisy never did that for anyone, she would never even think of dropping everything to travel anywhere, for any person. She brought her blanket up to her nose.

Johnny was back in flash, tossing the tiny square package onto the pillow. He smiled at Daisy as he climbed back under the sheets.

“How you feelin’?”

“Squeeze me.”

And she was enveloped in his arms in a flash. Daisy let out a deep breath against his chest, feeling the tension come to a head before it started to taper off.

“You alright, sweetheart?” Johnny quietly asked as he placed his hand on the back of her head. “We were fine just a minute ago. What happened?”

“I’m actually here…” she mumbled.

“I know, you made it.” He kissed the top of her head. “I’m so happy you’re here too, you have no idea.”

Daisy tried to focus on that instead of the feeling that the world was about to end. Like Johnny said, things were fine not too long ago. Both he and Daisy wanted to go back to that nice feeling. They missed each other after all, and the whole reason why Daisy flew here was to act out a fantasy that had rapidly developed in her head.

Time passed in that spacious room, Daisy may have dozed off for a few minutes, coming to when Johnny rolled onto his back. Daisy let herself be moved, resting her head comfortably on his chest. The sound of his breathing and heartbeat did wonders with helping her relax. How did she last all that time apart from him, when he was away doing other movies? Or even before that, when she moved away from Knoxville?

She pressed her lips against the middle of his chest, intending for it to be just a simple form of affection. Next thing she knew, Daisy was kissing down his torso and running a hand down to his hip.

“I take it you’re feeling better,” Johnny commented.

Daisy hummed softly in response, moving back up to kiss him on the mouth. Johnny returned the energy, holding the nape of her neck to keep her there. His other hand went up her t-shirt, chilly against her skin to the point where Daisy squeaked and arched her back.

“Sorry, doll,” he chuckled against her lips. “Here, let’s take this off…”

She sat up to lift her arms as Johnny removed her shirt, tossing it to the floor. His hands were still cold as he placed them on her bare waist, and he was only entertained by Daisy’s squirming. He sat up again to kiss her, casually, lazily even. His mouth was much warmer than his hands, and his kisses made Daisy feel as such, bubbling and bursting inside her body. She could probably do this forever once his hands weren’t chilling her skin.

The moment turned from sweet to needy and animalistic in minutes. Daisy was pushing Johnny down on his back as soon as she felt him poking at her, and she remembered his promise of making her work for what she wanted. She kissed down his body, down his delicious happy trail, and then she helped him take off his boxers before finally taking his whole length in her mouth. It didn’t take very long for Johnny to place his hand on the back of her head to guide her as he started gasping and moaning quietly at the sensations.

Somehow he still thought he was in charge.

“Hey, you’re not done,” he said when Daisy pulled off of him.

She took his wrist and pinned it down to his side as she straddled him again, watching his face for the first time in a blue moon. He was surprised, and he was cracking a smile.

“Like I said,” he told her with a smirk. With his free hand, he grabbed the condom that nearly got lost in the sheets and held it up for her to do the deed.

Daisy held her breath as she did so. As long as she didn’t have to go down on him again after this, she could deal with the latex. Then she prepared to sink down on him, only for it to be pleasantly easy for her to fill herself up. Her pussy had been pulsing and aching for him since before she got to Baton Rouge, despite the fact that she had already been pounded once since arriving. It was endless, and now she gets to pound him.

“Fuck,” Johnny breathed out. He tried to break from Daisy’s grip, and he half-succeeded as he lifted his arm.

However, Daisy tightened her grip and managed to pin it back down beside his head, and she thrived on the way his mouth fell open. She rocked her hips in a way that got a moan out of him, and he was babbling much quicker than normal.

“God fuck, I love this side of you, sweetheart… fuck, your pussy’s so hot…” he grunted, the fingers of his free hand digging into her side. “That what I do to you, baby? Fuck yeah, don’t stop… oh fuck, don’t stop…”

The way his words went straight to her nether regions was enough to get Daisy to go faster. She was on another level of carnal desire, and she wanted the thing that she literally flew across the country to do. She let go of his wrist, making Johnny hold her by the hips to help with her momentum. Then Daisy cupped his cheek, ready to stick her thumb in his open mouth when he turned his head away and smiled wickedly.

“Uh-uh, you got me all hot, honey, but you still gotta work harder than that.”

God, she already deepthroated him. She was riding him. Daisy narrowed her eyes, involuntarily placing her hand around his neck, which surprised both of them. Immediately she slowed her movements and took her hand away, only for Johnny to quickly grab her wrist.

“No, do it. Go ahead…” he said, elongating his neck for her and putting her hand back where it was.

Then he held her waist again and got her back into the rhythm he liked. Daisy kept her hand around his neck, not squeezing just yet because her brain was struggling to catch up with what was happening. She had never been this dominant before, she liked the control she had. At the same time, she loved the way he was holding her and moving her like she was just here for his pleasure. The harder she moved on his cock, the more her hand pressed down on his neck, making his mouth fall open once again as he tried to gasp for air.

Johnny was quiet now, only gasping and sputtering every so often. His eyes fluttered shut as Daisy fucked him, and it was with much more ease that she was able to slide her first two fingers into his open mouth. Johnny didn’t do anything with that at first, his mouth just stayed open with her fingers resting on his tongue, too consumed by the feeling of his girl giving him all she had. Then Daisy removed her other hand from his neck and went to his jaw, gently pushing it closed and kept her hand on his cheek to caress it the way he did to her.

It was such an exhilarating feeling, having him crumble underneath her. He relaxed his hold on her, letting his arms fall down to his sides as he gave in to her and let her move at her pace. A little moan came from his throat as he sucked on the manicured digits, and he repeated the sound over and over.

Daisy let out a desperate gasp at the sight. Her thighs clenched around his hips, already getting pushed to that wonderful little edge. She wasn’t going to last this way, and it didn’t take very long for her to stop caring about that. Slowly, Daisy pulled her fingers from Johnny’s mouth, causing him to open his eyes and catch the sight of her rubbing her clit with the wet digits.

Once she started moaning loudly and repeatedly, Daisy threw her head back and let herself get lost in the feeling. She heard Johnny attempting to say something but he was just as consumed. Mumbled, broken I love you’s came out from both of them until Daisy was tensing and clenching and crying out in pleasure loud enough to receive a persistent banging noise from the ceiling above.

“Keep going, sweetheart,” Johnny muttered through gritted teeth, holding her hips once again. “Fucking shit, I’m almost there baby…”

The sounds coming from both of them were a lot more wanton, Daisy being spent and Johnny still chasing his high. His fingernails dug into her skin, sure to leave bruises that Daisy would keep as souvenirs to take with her on Sunday.

~

It was… so pathetic that Daisy bust out the tequila while watching one of Johnny’s movies yet again. It was even more pathetic that it wasn’t even noon and her head was spinning euphorically as she lazed about the couch. Her brown eyes narrowed at the screen as she watched the pretty blonde with her name strip down to a hot pink bikini. For some reason, all Daisy could think about was that if she was in Johnny’s place, she would have successfully convinced the starlet to leave her husband.

She giggled to herself again. That was a thought she knew Johnny would crack up at. He’d probably tease her and lay down a big fat “I told you so.” She wondered if he still had that phone number… not that she would have taken up any offer. Not that any offer would come up anyways… She still felt a bit of sympathy for the blonde.

“Estás peda,” Daisy reminded herself, talking out loud as she held up the bottle in her hand. “Es tan patética…” She paused, and even in her drunken haze she couldn’t forget the words of her idol. “Neurótica, satírica, psicótica…”

The urge to call Johnny only grew when she saw him on the screen again, having gotten out of the consistent red wardrobe and switched for a yellow shirt under a white blazer. She wondered if he still thought of her when he saw the color yellow. That was basically what she was known for in the eyes of, well, everyone. It was either that or her unkempt curly hair. It was like she was a cartoon character or something, only remembered by the striking physical attributes.

She was trying to remember what she was thinking about before the dissociation-induced walk down memory lane. She wasn’t intending to watch The Dukes of Hazzard, she wanted something animated. She wanted her comfort movie, but it was long gone and there wasn’t a VHS player in this house regardless, because that was taken from her too.

Daisy took another drink from the bottle and slouched in her seat. She was going to have a field day the next time she was in her therapist’s office.

Chapter Text

“Whenever, wherever

We’re meant to be together

I’ll be there and you’ll be near

And that’s the deal my–”

“Boo.”

Daisy nearly jumped out of her chair hearing his voice right at her ear, and that made Johnny laugh out loud. He walked around her, running a white towel over his damp hair and obscuring her view of the TV. As hot as he looked fresh out of the shower, wearing nothing but navy boxers, Daisy leaned to the side to get back to the music video she was watching.

Johnny turned towards the screen once and then went over to the dresser across the way. “You really like that Shakira song, huh?”

“I’m not used to hearing it in English,” she replied, relaxing more now that the initial shock of her boyfriend’s appearance had passed. She leaned back in her chair and bit at the skin on her thumb, watching the blonde singer belly dance in front of a green screen that displayed horses galloping past her. “Amor, I’m surprised you’ve never been in a stampede before.”

“Well, it’s not usually in my itinerary,” Johnny said, “but I think I’ll be able to squeeze it in. Thanks for the idea, sweetheart.”

Daisy only hummed, once again distracted by swaying hips. She rocked from side to side in her seat, only making her focus as intensely as she did before Johnny had entered the room.

The only pauses in the bedroom activities were for meals, drinks, a little sleep, and showers. Johnny invited Daisy into the shower with him but she declined, something about hating the cramped space when another person was there. Johnny was fine with that, he told her he’d give it to her later anyways.

Daisy had been in Baton Rouge for approximately 18 hours and all she did was get railed. She couldn’t think of a better way to pass the time, and she got to wear more of his t-shirts fresh with his scent, despite the fact that the source of the scent had been on her body all night. She got to drink really good wine and savor what little time she had here. It was so good and so needed that it almost felt like she wasn’t going to leave tomorrow. She felt, like the singer on the screen said, lucky.

“Look at that,” Johnny said as he pulled on a black Ramones shirt. He was still watching the TV, where Shakira was effortlessly moving her chest and hips.

“How does one move their body like that?” Daisy wondered. “It’s so flawless and pretty… like a goddess or something.”

She hardly took her eyes from the screen as Johnny moved about the room again. The next thing that came out of his mouth was as good as a record scratch… or a massive car crash.

“You into chicks?”

Suddenly Daisy’s eyes went out of focus, and the song ended, getting replaced by a series of commercials. A weird pit formed in her stomach, and she found herself hesitating for no real reason.

“Why are you asking?” she asked in return, turning back to look at him, only to see a sly grin on his pretty face.

“Hey, there’s no shame in it, doll,” he told her. “I like pretty ladies too.”

Daisy sputtered a weird sounding chuckle and then turned away, catching Kelly Clarkson on the TV now. She darted her eyes away immediately. Her face was hot for some reason, and her silence only made Johnny speak more.

“I mean… you and Willa sure are close.” The smile was still in his voice.

“And you touch your friends’ dicks all the time,” Daisy said back.

“I get paid to do that, sweetheart, what’s your excuse?”

She was sure he wasn’t paid to party with them, kiss them on the cheek, or have Steve-O lick his armpit… Daisy couldn’t help but feel defensive.

“Willa’s my best friend, and I don’t touch her or anyone like that.”

“Oh, and what have we been doing the last few hours, playing marbles?” Johnny shot back with a small laugh. He went up to where Daisy was sitting and told her to scoot over, and she begrudgingly did so. He squeezed in next to her and put his arm around the back of the chair. “Sweetheart… you know I’m just fucking with you, right?”

The realization made her feel more stupid than relieved. How many times have moments like these happened over the last two years? Countless, and each time Daisy was just as clueless. It was entertaining for one half of this couple.

“Oh…” was all she said.

Johnny touched the back of her head, getting a little light brown ringlet around his finger. “But… anyone else would have just said no.”

Oh. Oh no.

It’s not like Daisy didn’t know this about herself, she just didn’t bring attention to it. She has heard horror stories from the one relative her family doesn’t see during the holidays, and she may have experienced a couple of horrors herself. No, it was just easier to internally acknowledge it and move on. She didn’t have to tell anyone about it, especially since she was in a relationship with a man. A man that she loves very much. She forgot about this part of herself long enough to elicit this kind of reaction whenever it was brought up, especially since it was so easy for Johnny to clock her like this.

The silence was tangible before he asked again. “Do you like women?”

“I love you,” Daisy replied, because it was true. She didn’t think about anyone else the way she thought of him.

Johnny smiled. “Huh, good answer. Now what’s for breakfast?”

It was easy to forget about that underlying crisis once there was food in the room. It was easy to forget about everything when Johnny was on his knees with his head between Daisy’s legs for an early dessert. She was still in that armchair, tightly gripping the arms as her eyes squeezed shut while Johnny went to town. What wasn’t easy was ignoring the sound of Johnny’s phone ringing from the desk in the corner. Daisy tried to say something, to which she was only told to try to ignore it. She couldn’t, it was too distracting, so Johnny leaned back and paused, saying nothing at all.

“You could just go and—“ Daisy tried to say.

“Nope. I’m not goin’ anywhere,” he cut her off, tapping his fingers on her thighs as he waited for the phone to stop ringing on its own. Then, when it was silent again, he looked up at her and smiled. “There we go, problem solved.”

He was kissing the skin on her inner thighs, leaving more souvenir marks when the phone went off again.

Daisy actually flinched this time and whined out, “PJ…”

“Alright, alright,” he sighed as he got up and sauntered off to the other side of the room. All he did was silence the sound, but he had only taken a step towards Daisy again when the hotel phone started ringing. Then it was Johnny’s turn to whine and turn his head up at the ceiling. “C’mon, I’m not supposed to be bothered today!”

Daisy shifted her position and brought her knees to her chest, watching Johnny pick up the receiver, telling whoever was on the other line that he was very busy. She averted her eyes when he turned her way and listened to his voice.

“No, I haven’t watched E! News,” he said assertively as he glanced over at Daisy, “I don’t got time, I got shit to do.”

It’s me, I’m shit, Daisy thought as she hugged her knees a little tighter. She saw the remote on the table next to her and decided why not, before picking it up and turning to the channel in question. A young, pretty news anchor was talking about whatever Lindsay Lohan had done to her body now before moving onto talking more about Britney Spears’s annulment that had happened months prior. Nothing about Johnny. Daisy rocked from side to side and continued to wonder who he was talking to on the phone.

“Look, if I promise to stay in my room for the rest of the weekend, will you promise not to call again?” he asked, and listened to the response. “We can talk about it on Monday, though I don’t know what there is to talk about, I don’t talk about that stuff in public… yes ma’am, I will be in my room, like I said, I’m gonna be busy. I’m all booked up.”

With that, Johnny said goodbye to the “ma’am” on the other line and put the receiver back. Then he went back to where Daisy was sitting, his tall frame hovering above her.

She looked up at him, still rocking. “What happened?”

“That was my publicist,” he replied. “The press knows about you now.”

Daisy’s eyes widened, not because of the mortifying ordeal of being known, but because she knew how that may have happened. She sheepishly explained to Johnny her ride to the hotel, talking to the driver about everything and nothing, probably letting the stage name slip as opposed to the legal name. But before Daisy could apologize, Johnny only shook his head to stop her.

“Hey, I coulda let it slip too. I’ve been telling damn near everyone on set about my Daisy. Anyone could have brought it to the public,” he said. “Sometimes these things just happen, it’s nothin’ to worry about. Now I can mention my girlfriend if the topic is brought up. Could be worse, right?”

She had to agree with that. Johnny’s optimism was refreshing, he never seemed to forget how lucky he was to be in the position he’s in. On their two year anniversary, he told Daisy that if it wasn’t for this life he lived, he may never have been able to reunite with her. Daisy could have argued with that, she easily could have stayed in bed that day in early April of 2002.

There were thoughts about that day, but Daisy brought them up later on, when she was back in bed, spent from yet another round. She and Johnny had been going in and out of sleep, dazed from the sex and the drinks. The only time that anyone left the hotel room was when Daisy went to get ice because Johnny had ideas that could have gone wonderfully if… well, Daisy.

“My niece said something funny a while ago,” she said as she traced the lines on the palm of his hand.

“The one with the pixie cut, the one you never see, or the goth one?” Johnny asked. “…or the nephew?”

“The goth one.”

“Ah, Wednesday Addams. What’d she say? That she’s thinking of murder instead of boys?”

Daisy opened her mouth to come out with it, but she chuckled at the memory. Last week, she went to Montebello to visit her cousin Lucia, her husband Ed, and their 7-year-old daughter Annalise. Now, Daisy was very good at paying attention to all 3 of her nieces and one nephew when they were all in the same room, but there was something about Annalise. Maybe it was the fact that she sat on the couch and watched cartoons at family gatherings, to the point where Lucia would tell her daughter to play with the other kids and her cousin to have a drink with the adults. Maybe it was that Annalise was the spitting image of Ed, the scary looking goth man who was actually a massive softie. Daisy just got along with Annalise, and it was one of those connections she hoped would stand the test of time.

But Annalise was still a child, and that was what Daisy had to remind herself of as said child looked up at her with her round eyes and uttered the words, “Your mommy brought your boyfriend to you.” 

“She said that?” Johnny asked with a laugh. “I know kids say weird shit all the time, but…”

“No, it gets worse,” Daisy told him. “Her dad was close by and overheard and he told her to ‘remember to shut the spirits out.’”

Now Johnny was laughing harder. “God, your family’s fuckin’ weird.”

“Hey, Ed’s an in-law!” Daisy giggled, but it was cut short as she remembered what happened next. “He… he specified what Annalise meant later on. He told me that it was my mom that pushed me out of bed that day, the day we reunited.”

“Oh, come on…”

“No seriously.” Daisy turned on her back so she was staring at the ceiling. “I’ve never told anyone about that before. I remember that day, it was the first day where I didn’t have anything to do, because I spent the entire week planning the funeral. I wanted to sleep it all off, but there was just something nagging me to get off my ass, and that there was no reason for me to be so depressed.”

Johnny was watching her, brows furrowed as he listened. He spoke carefully as he reminded her, “Baby… your mama had just died…”

Daisy nodded in agreement. “I know. But that’s what she would say when I was upset about anything. That I shouldn’t be sad, that I shouldn’t be so lazy. So I got my ass up and went to the gym.”

“Let’s hear that last part again,” he said as he sat up on his elbow to look down at her. “You got your ass up. You got yourself outta bed. Give yourself some credit, sweetheart.”

It was weird hearing that. Daisy smiled blankly at the ceiling. It occurred to her how often Natalia wouldn’t say things like that. It was usually things like “I raised you, solita. Everything you are is because of me, mija.” That was true in some aspects. Natalia was very proud that she got through parenting by herself, she reminded Daisy how difficult of a child she was, and how much it took to make a woman out of her.

~

Ruth removed her glasses. “She said that to you?”

There was a bit of silence in the air as Daisy felt a pit form in her stomach. Her side-to-side movements came to a halt as her mind worked around that question. There was a tiny little inkling in the back of her head that those things Natalia said probably rubbed her the wrong way, but…

“That’s not the point here,” Daisy muttered.

“But it always goes back to her, doesn’t it?” Ruth continued. “PJ told you to give yourself some credit, something about you, and you thought about your mother. Thinking that she made you that way, as opposed to finding your own strength.” 

Daisy wasn’t here to talk about her mother. She was trying to get to the part where her apartment was broken into. It was just taking some time. Ruth kept wanting to dissect the little things about Natalia that were mentioned, or the way her living relatives treated her, but that was just diverting from the plan. This was about Daisy’s turmoil.

“Is it strength if you’re still given a hard time about it?” she asked, starting to rock again. “Because, well… okay, I know how to set boundaries, but that upsets other people.”

“But not the ones who matter,” Ruth told her.

Back on track. Daisy felt a little relieved. “Right, so this is what I was getting at…”

~

Johnny’s words, mumbled against her stomach between warm little kisses, felt like cold water down Daisy’s spine. While her breathing was already short, the reasons for it were rapidly changing.

“What did you say?” she asked in a whisper.

“Stay,” he repeated as he moved up her body. His lips marked several spots on her neck, but none of it was doing anything anymore because his words were so grounding. “Don’t leave tomorrow.”

The ceiling might as well have been Daisy’s new best friend with how much she stared up at it while Johnny kissed the side of her face. Her eyes widened at the white tile, as if she was expecting it to say something like you hear this guy? Did he really just say that?

“Why?” she asked, her voice loud and clear enough to kill the moment.

Johnny picked his head up to look down at her. “What do you mean why?”

Daisy shrugged, genuinely not knowing what prompted him to suggest such a thing. “Why should I stay here?”

There were tons of little things that flew over her head that she needed clarification from. It had gotten easier to ask Johnny for that clarification, whereas sometimes other people were immediately irritated that Daisy was so dense. Some of those instances involved Darf, and Bam as well. Coworkers, family members. Daisy seemed to upset lots of people. But Johnny was always patient and open, even if he didn’t say anything at first, like he was now.

“I…” he sighed and shook his head. “I thought after being here for a couple of days, you wouldn’t wanna leave. Guess I thought wrong.”

“Yeah…” Daisy agreed.

Johnny let out another breath. “Well, don’t go easy on me, sweetheart.”

She furrowed her brow and tilted her head to the side. “Are you being sarcastic?”

“Nah, I’m right as rain.” Johnny then rolled out of bed and put his boxers back on. Then he faced Daisy again, “yes, that was sarcasm.”

That part was clear, now they had to go back to the first part. Daisy sat up, keeping the comforter over herself.

“You want me here?” she asked.

“Why is that surprising to you?” he returned. “Of course I want you around. I always ask you to come with me when I do these things, and you always say no. Now it’s my turn to ask why.”

The answer was simple. The idea of jumping into a new location that Daisy really had no business being at, mixed with all these strangers and a fast paced environment made her want to vomit. Literally. Even if it meant Johnny would be there with her, he wouldn’t really be there. It made more sense for Daisy to stay in LA and miss him so much she lost sleep over it, than for her to be with him in a completely unfamiliar environment and silently lose her mind.

“I don’t belong here,” was how she put it. “This is your work life. I don’t ask you to follow me around at the gym.”

“You wouldn't be following me around,” Johnny explained. “There’s tons to do on the set, I’m sure we can find something for you.”

“But I don’t wanna do that.”

“Yeah. I got that loud and clear.” He bent down and picked his shirt up off the floor and tossed it to her. “Why does being here, staying here with me - why does it put you off so much?”

Daisy unfolded the yellow shirt and slid it over her head before answering. “It wasn’t part of the plan. I only packed for the weekend.”

“That can be fixed. We can get Willa or someone to ship over more of your things. We can talk to your boss to get you some time off, I can take care of your rent…” Johnny stepped closer to her, holding his hands out. “C’mon Daisy-doll, stay with me.”

She blinked and remained still. “But I like my life, even when you’re not around.”

He dropped his hands down at his sides. “Like I said, don’t hold back.”

There were very few times where Daisy could detect when someone was upset from their tone alone, this was one of those times. The wine in her system was suddenly made of lead, and her throat felt tight. She watched Johnny walk off to the other room with a sinking feeling in her stomach, a feeling she knew all too well.

The silence was only in the air for a few fleeting moments as Daisy sat there, mind racing as she tried to figure out what to do next, when Johnny swiftly re-entered the room, still clad in just his boxers. He scratched the back of his head, brow furrowed, and he didn’t look at her as he spoke.

“What exactly are you doin’ over in LA? Babysitting?”

“Yes,” Daisy replied simply. “I’m actually taking the kids to school on Monday.”

“You ever think about how your cousins only talk to you when they need something?” Johnny said. “Lucia invites you over just to sit with her kid. Her and the other one–”

“Cecilia.”

“Yeah, they go on couples’ getaways with their husbands and don’t think to invite you. They just dump their kids on your doorstep.”

Daisy wasn’t sure what the point of this was. They were her family, she didn’t mind doing these favors for them. “I love being with the nieces and nephew. I dunno what you want me to say. How is this relevant?”

Johnny took a breath, one he very much needed. “It’s… it’s not. Whatever, I fuckin’ tried.”

And he left once more.

Daisy didn’t know what to do except sit down in the shower with hot water running down her back for at least an hour. It was important to make herself scarce when someone was upset with her, but there weren’t many places she could run off to in this little hotel suite. The happy, fun little bubble that she created this weekend had burst and splattered across the walls like in some gross horror film. What could she do? Blow another bubble? Blow him? Apologize for being difficult and then blow him? There had to be something Daisy could do to fix things that didn’t involve changing her plans.

Yes, she knew that Johnny always wanted her to follow him out to a random part of the country every time he had a new movie to film. The invitation was always nice, it was reassuring. It made her feel wanted, even though Daisy never saw herself fitting into environments like that. She knew that, even when she was a little teenager, when the knot in her stomach told her to be a good kid and not sneak off to a random party in a random abandoned building. It wasn’t just because Daisy knew that her mother would ship her ass off to Mexico if she even thought about doing such a thing. One could say the knot in her stomach was tied by Natalia Pineda herself.

But she was older, and her mother was dead. Daisy did the fun things she missed out on as a teen now in her grown age, all because Johnny wanted her there for the ride, and then some. He wanted her here. He picked her. Besides, when was the next time they would spend an extended amount of time together?

Daisy wasn’t going to bring it up now, given that the weekend was supposed to be about staying in the moment as opposed to worrying about the future. But Daisy ruined that with just a few simple words, and since it was ruined, she might as well attempt to make it worse. Or better. She had to make it better before she left.

When she got out of the bathroom, she tentatively approached Johnny, who was back in the armchair. The sight of his tall lanky figure staring at the TV screen was suddenly intimidating, something Daisy rarely felt around him these days. It occurred to her that even after sitting down in the shower for as long as she did, she had no idea what to say that could fix everything. In other words, what came next came without much thought.

“I’m trying to learn to live without you.”

Johnny was still staring at the screen, but his brows furrowed. “What… the fuck does that mean?”

Daisy moved her hands around, less like she was trying to figure out her words and more like the frustration of being unable to tell if he was still mad at her or not was getting to her. She wished her brain worked differently. Normally.

“We’re in this, like we’re together… this is for a long time, right?” she asked.

They had talked about it before, when they were laying on someone’s living room floor just after a New Year’s party. There was a mutual agreement to be in each other’s lives for as long as the lord or fate or whoever would let them. To love each other always or something. They might as well have written vows. But there wasn’t any proposal or wedding plans as of yet. There was just the certainty that it would happen at some point. It was Johnny and Daisy, no matter what.

“Long time, forever, same thing,” Johnny said. “Where you goin’ with this?”

“Okay, forever,” Daisy agreed with a rapid nod. “So that means one of us will live to see the other die-“

“And you think it’s gonna be me,” he finished for her, finally catching on. He sat forward in his chair, looking up at her with his pretty brown eyes. “Why are you thinkin’ that way?”

“I didn’t,” she told him, now flapping her hands because what she was going to utter next was going to make things very real. “I didn’t until I was at your place, looking for one of my work shirts, and I heard the phone ring… and Jeff left you a voicemail. I tried not to be nosy but I heard something about writing a Jackass sequel.”

Now Johnny was averting his gaze, and he was quiet. After a while, he said, “And that alone makes you think I’m keeling over first? Daisy-doll, it’s just writing, spitballing ideas. Could be a whole lotta nothing for all we know.”

She wanted to believe that. She might have if she had reunited with Johnny now as opposed to two and a half years ago. Meaning, she knew him all too well.

“Once you start something, PJ, you don’t stop til it’s done.” Daisy paused, noticing how he turned away again. “I love that about you, and I’m not going to stop you.”

Johnny smiled softly and then beckoned her closer with a wave of his hand. When she was standing between his legs, Johnny hugged her waist and leaned his head on her stomach. She ran her fingers through his hair, finding that first smidge of comfort.

“So then you know,” Johnny said after a soft moment, looking up at her again, “I won’t stop til you say yes to staying.”

Daisy hummed in protest. She just played herself, didn’t she?

“No, c’mon,” Johnny told her. “Hear me out, at least. Can you do that for me?”

She nodded, because even if she didn’t want to hear it, he would tell her anyway. That was something Daisy loved about him, that he spoke his mind no matter what. It helped in ways she couldn’t even imagine. Besides, she already upset him once. Listening was the least she could do.

“I’ve been gone all damn year,” he began, arms still wrapped around her form. “Been away from you for too long. And say we do decide to make another Jackass, I’ll be gone again. Whether it’s for writing, or producing, or just shooting the damn thing… I need time with my Daisy before all that happens.”

“You never stop,” she pointed out.

“No, ma’am.”

“I just want you to be happy,” Daisy told him, because that trumped the worry in her veins. She continued gently scratching at his scalp for a quiet moment before continuing. “And that sequel better look cool. If I don’t still wanna bang you when it’s done, then you did something wrong.”

Johnny threw his head back in laughter. “This is why I picked you, babydoll!”

You would think that those sweet little words would make her change her mind about leaving here. You’d think that she would change and fix herself to his will, fall under the spell that was Johnny’s gift of gab like she had many times before. But it was like Daisy said, she didn’t plan for Johnny to want her to stay here. This was sudden and unexpected, which was all Johnny was about.

“Why does everything have to be planned?” he asked her later that night, in bed together for the last time until Christmas. “Don’t you want to be spontaneous for once? It makes things more exciting, don’t you think?”

His dismay had reared its head again, much to his girlfriend’s surprise. Daisy could not understand where this was coming from. They already talked about this earlier, and it ended with Johnny’s contagious laughter. Somehow Daisy thought that that meant things were fixed, that Johnny was okay with the rejection of his invitation.

She could only stare at his face as she felt her insides turn heavy again. Then, “I don't do well with spontaneity. Haven’t you noticed that?”

Johnny was tracing the indents of her collarbone with his thumb, focused on that part of her body. “My bad for wanting to do something nice for my best girl.”

“You do nice things for me already,” Daisy told him. “You always bring me flowers when you come home, our date nights are always fun, you love my family and they love you.” And he loved her despite her oddities. That was a very nice thing, so much that it made Daisy open up more, but now it was starting to be a not so nice thing.

Maybe she had to go back to being the yes girl. That would probably fix things. Here she was trying hard to make Johnny understand, which was something she never had to do before. Johnny always rolled with her punches, just like she did with him.

Daisy watched him go hog wild at various bars, clubs, and house parties. She would drive home what was left of him, always. She watched him get on flight after flight in the last year to film movies that he ended up hating, save for one or two. Living without him was quiet and a little bit lonely, but that was familiar to Daisy. She was comfortable in that, even if it was difficult.

Johnny might have a question or two about certain boundaries his girlfriend has, but he respected them nonetheless. Even if Daisy couldn’t always articulate why pasta made her head hurt, he made sure to keep it away from her. He definitely got a kick out of squeezing her in a sweet hug, and holding her tight in more salacious contexts, because anything more gentle made her skin crawl. Was it odd? Sure, but Johnny didn’t have a problem working around it. He didn’t pressure her to change. He didn’t ask much of her, just that she stuck around for the long haul. That just poses the question…

“Why do you want me here so bad?” Daisy asked, realizing how persistent he was this time around.

Johnny’s eyes flickered up to her once. “I just miss you, we’ve been apart for too long.”

“But you usually ask once or twice and leave it alone after that. Why is it different this time?”

He was quiet for so long that Daisy thought he was ignoring her. When Johnny got up and out of bed, Daisy thought the conversation was over but she almost jumped when she saw him pace in front of the bed once and suddenly turn towards her.

“I didn’t want you worrying.”

“About what?”

Here’s the thing: Daisy knew very well that her boyfriend was desired by many, many people. Girls approached him when he was out with her, and plenty were shameless about their intentions. It didn’t really bother Daisy, which was surprising to everyone. To her, it was simple, she understood the appeal, who wouldn’t want to shoot their shot? Not to mention, some of the guys (and girls, admittedly) were just as pretty as Johnny. Sometimes Daisy was even tempted to egg him on and encourage him to bring someone else home if it meant she could continue watching, but maybe that was just the alcohol talking during those moments.

That being said, hearing about how a young, blonde, and beautiful costar was most likely coming onto Johnny between takes on set, visiting him in his trailer, and sharing whiskey with him after work wasn’t that off-putting. Johnny wanting Daisy to stay to keep an eye on this other “Daisy” made sense now. At least then she would see with her own eyes that there was nothing going on, and when inevitable rumors about a secret affair between Johnny and Jessica came out in order to create more hype around the movie, Daisy would know what was up.

“I wish you had told me this sooner,” she told him. She was now sitting cross-legged on the mattress, picking at the skin on her nails.

“It’s only been a couple weeks, everything was fine before now,” Johnny replied, trying to gauge her reaction. “...and it’s still not changing your mind, huh?”

“Is that the only reason why you’re telling me this? So I can stay?” Daisy asked him. “You could have told me this at any point in the last few days, and you’re choosing now.”

Johnny sighed. He knew her well enough to know that she was also quite observant. “It was another thing my publicist brought up on the phone… I’m not gonna be allowed to talk about you or us in public. They wanna try to make some type of story outta whatever Jessica’s doin’ on set.”

Daisy tilted her head. There was a lot to unpack there, but her mind focused on one thing. “Isn’t she married?”

“Yeah.” Johnny paused, his hand doing that little twitch. “She told me it wasn’t going well.”

“So she’s getting attached to you. That’s not fake, right?”

“Right.”

“And how old is she?”

“Twenty… something?”

Daisy’s heart broke. For her. Yes, for her. “So these PR people are taking this young girl’s very real budding emotions for you and—“

Johnny cut her off. “I know, sweetheart, I know. It’s messed up, but that’s the business. Anything can be made into a PR thing. We can’t just make a movie and that’s it, there has to be some narrative going on behind the scenes.” He paused. “Why can’t they just make a good movie?”

It was much easier to approach the situation with sympathy and compassion. Daisy could have been upset that one of her boyfriend’s costar was hitting on him, but… it’s not like she could talk. Daisy herself still worked with an ex-flame. Not to mention, the feeling of being in your early 20s and crushing on someone who was much older and very not interested was more familiar to her than things like jealousy and insecurity. That’s not to say Daisy didn’t experience either of those things…

“If you had explained this to me on the phone a few days ago,” she told him, noticing the tiniest drop of blood coming from the edge of her thumbnail from picking at it too much. “I would have considered staying longer than a weekend.”

Johnny nodded once, keeping his head down. His voice was oddly soft when he spoke again. “I know, I should have thought it through better. But I still miss you, ya know.”

“And that,” Daisy continued, “is why I’m staying.”

His head shot up just as quick as her heart started pounding. Every fiber in Daisy’s body screamed at her to take it back, to take the safe route. She was the careful, thoughtful one in this relationship. Why was she diverting from that now? Because of Johnny’s brown baby cow eyes? She really was as weak as her mother told her. Love really did make her stupid.

Her almost-spiral was interrupted by Johnny clambering onto the bed and trapping her in his arms. He rocked them both from side to side, telling her that she just made him the happiest man alive and that she won’t regret this. He was smiling so wide that the corners of his eyes crinkled, dimples on full display.

“Why do you look so scared?” he asked when he pulled away. He cupped Daisy’s face with both hands, thumbs gently tracing along her cheekbones.  

“Mm, last minute changes,” she replied, but she was trying to snap out of it. For him. She painted a smile on her face and tried to mirror his energy. “It’s good! It’s great! Now we can stay up even later!”

“Damn right.” Johnny leaned in for a kiss, making the loud mwahhh! noise to go with it. He leaned back to share a look with her, so pleasantly surprised and enamored that he successfully got her to change her mind. “You’re really staying with me…”

She nodded, the words making her stomach turn. “I’ll be here tomorrow, and the day after that… and after that.”

“We’ll be together for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s! You’re gonna meet the whole cast and crew!” Johnny was almost bouncing in excitement. He nearly launched himself off the mattress to get another bottle of wine from the other room. This apparently called for a celebration.

It was another two hours of messy, wine-drunk sex that made Daisy’s brain quiet down enough to make her forget the decision she had made. Her mind and body was only warm with everything Johnny gave her in that hotel suite. His determination to make every time the best time was the thing to calm her. Daisy knew everything would be okay as long as she could see Johnny’s optimism everywhere else.

…her phone rang from the other room. While Daisy’s legs were still shaky and weak, they still moved in search of the sound. Even though it was in the living area, the ringtone made her ears hurt.

Johnny had no idea how she did it when they were in other loud places. She was jumpy, and that was fun to mess with. When they were together, there was at least one instance in the day where Johnny would pop out from around the corner to spook her. It got her every time. She still loved him enough to drag his drunk ass home on the weekends, even if she left him on the couch most of those nights. At least he was safe. She was a safety net. Lord knows Johnny needs that.

He had no idea how she put up with him, but he wouldn’t want it any other way.

Daisy’s voice suddenly piped up from the other room. She was babbling in Spanish, one of the only times her voice was sharp and clear. But it was hard to tell if she was happy or upset. Before Johnny could get up to investigate, the girl in question swiftly re-entered the bedroom.

She spoke more Spanish into her flip phone before covering the mic and addressing her boyfriend. She frantically asked if she could get on a computer to check her email. Something terrible had happened.

~

“Willa sent me pictures of my apartment,” Daisy continued, staring at the bandaids around her fingertips. “Everything was trashed, and the windows were broken.”

“You were robbed.”

Daisy nodded as she recalled the memory. Nothing was left untouched. Her savings which were hidden in her mattress were taken, some things from her closet including hers, her mothers’, and Johnny’s clothes were gone. What little jewelry she did own were gone too, as well as her VHS copy of Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and her Duck Amuck cel. At first, Daisy almost believed it was a prank, that maybe Bam or Steve-O or even Johnny decided to pull something like this. But the longer she stared at the photos of her invaded apartment, the more she panicked.

“And if it was a prank, Johnny wouldn’t have let me leave. I know he would have fessed up the moment I started crying.”

“Oh so you left Baton Rouge after that?” Ruth looked down to note it on her board. “You didn’t stay the rest of the time he was there.”

“He tried really hard to make me stay,” Daisy replied, brows furrowed as she stared at the beige carpet. “He told me to let Willa handle the whole thing, that I could afford to not think about it because he was taking care of me. But I needed to go and see what was taken and report it to the police.”

“Did they ever catch who did it?”

“Nope.” That was blood boiling levels of annoying. Daisy had gotten on her flight that Sunday, when she was originally supposed to leave, only to get no reassurance from the authorities the very next day. Swallowing that, she continued. “Willa, my godmother, and my cousins all thought it was a crazed fan… or fans of Johnny’s. My name had been released to the media probably the day before, I imagine it wasn’t hard to track down my address.”

“I can’t imagine how scared you must have been. You were probably ready to pack what was the last of your things and move in with PJ, huh?” Ruth presumed as she wrote her notes.

Daisy hesitated and then began to explain that whole mess. Even after getting everything cleaned up, after staying with Willa for the rest of that November, Daisy was willing to continue living at that apartment. Of course everyone told her how awful of an idea that was, even Ruth was asking why Daisy wanted to stay there.

“Apart from my mom’s house, I’ve never lived anywhere else in LA. That little apartment in Rosemead was mine. My place. I was safe there.”

“Even after it was robbed?”

Daisy almost said yes. Almost. Safety was more of a loose term. She felt safe in that apartment because…

“I just hate moving. I hate change. I was willing to live in a place that was unsafe if it meant staying the same.” She paused and looked around the room, wiggling a little in her seat. “You’d think moving into a brand new house with your boyfriend - see he was planning on moving when he came back from filming, and he decided to let me pick a house in the Hills. Like I could even afford that - but he wanted to take care of everything for me if it meant I’d be living in a safer neighborhood… and he wanted us to live together anyways.”

“Sounds almost like…” Ruth thought about it for a moment. “Serendipity? A silver lining, perhaps?”

“I wish it didn’t happen that way.” Daisy almost laughed but minded herself for once. She knew how ridiculous it sounded. How ridiculous she was. “It should have made me feel better that I wasn’t left without a home. It should have made that change easier. PJ told me that staying the same is what’s hard on you…”

“But that’s not the case for you.”

The small shake of her head was enough to express it. Sameness and routine was Daisy’s security blanket, apart from her literal security blanket. She couldn’t help the guilt setting heavily in her stomach. She went from her trashed apartment in Rosemead, to Willa’s couch in East LA, to a beautiful two-story house in Hollywood Hills with PJ. And she didn’t have to pay for a thing. Daisy was so lucky, that should have been the one shining moment in that shithole of a situation, but here she was whining to a therapist about it.

Ruth had to remind her how traumatic those things can be. Daisy’s safe space had been invaded and contaminated, therefore the pain that came with having to deal with that and leave her safe space for good was relatively normal. Not to mention she had her issues with moving due to her teenhood where she moved 3 times in 4 years. Finally, it was a change she didn’t want nor was she expecting. It was a tough situation, through and through.

Daisy felt that she should be over it by now. Enough time had passed to where any other person would have moved on, especially if they were as privileged as she was. But she wasn’t any other person.

Chapter Text

“So you were a homebody prior to this relationship?”

“I still am. Except these days, you can’t get me to leave the house unless it’s to come here.” And even then Daisy was thinking about the moment she could seek refuge in her own home. Seek refuge, and hold down the fort just in case.

“How did you get to that point?” Ruth asked her. “What happened that drove you inside?”

The room was silent as Daisy thought about it. Her nail scratched against the skin on her thumb, only to remind her of the bandaids around her thumb and index fingers. That was probably another reason why she was in this office, because she was bringing harm to herself even if it was just tiny gashes that hurt a whole lot. She settled for playing with the end of her t-shirt.

“I wish there was one big, traumatic thing that happened. It would make things easier to explain and even easier to find a solution,” she admitted, her brows furrowing.

“Well, last week we talked about how your old apartment was robbed,” Ruth told her. “I imagine you would want to stay in your current home all the time, that way if something happens, you’re there. You strike me as someone who would know how to defend herself in a situation like that.”

Daisy disregarded the last part. “But that wasn’t so bad. I mean I live in Hollywood Hills now with the love of my life. I wish something worse had happened so it can justify this funk I’m in.” She sighed, a pit of guilt sitting heavy in her system. “I know that sounds bad, and people go through worse things.” A string of various friends flashed through her mind at that sentence, friends who were showing more obvious red flags. Daisy shouldn’t be here.

“That doesn’t make your struggles any less valid,” Ruth reassured. “Everyone has their hardships. It’s not a competition.”

Daisy shed a few tears at that.

“And besides, the act of moving homes is a traumatic experience. It changes your environment and how you perceive things. Moving because of a burglary only adds to that. That, along with the other things we’ve touched on in these sessions just shows… you are not crazy, Daisy. You’re traumatized.”

Daisy went home with that in mind. She wasn’t crazy. She stepped over the threshold with that knot of emotions burning a hole in her throat. She was not crazy. Dropped her purse on the ground, ignoring the fact that her phone was buzzing inside. She’s not crazy. Paced a few laps in the living room, around the sleek white couch that managed to stay spotless over time. Crazy people don’t do this.

She wandered into the bathroom, paced back and forth in that small space. Then she turned on the sink and let it run til she saw steam rising. Even when mascara was running down her face, and her reflection was staring blankly back at her, Daisy managed to tell herself–

~

“You are the man! I mean, you’re a girl, but you’re the man!”

Daisy smiled stupidly and swayed from side to side. Being in a crowded bar these days meant hearing praise from various people, and she was never going to argue with those people. She also enjoyed the many drinks brought to her by strangers, and Pontius, who had seen the piss yellow girl on her own at the bar and decided to keep her company.

Johnny was at the bar too, but he was pulled aside by a lady fan who wanted to chat him up and he had been holding this lady’s attention for some time now. Steve-O had been in the bathroom for an amount of time that was just normal to everyone else at this point, and Jeff and Loomis were lost somewhere in the crowd. That left Daisy to people watch until Pontius got her next round. It was a normal weekend.

Daisy learned to stop questioning what she was drinking, as long as she didn’t black out and wake up in an alleyway with a stranger. The deathly hangover was almost worth it. She was finally starting to see the guys’ perspective on this, it only took several drinks. She was finally getting to be normal in this crowd.

According to Pontius, Daisy was “the man” because she was “so unbelievably cool” when the rumors started coming out. You know, the rumors about Johnny Knoxville and Jessica Simpson hooking up on the set of The Dukes of Hazzard, despite the fact that they were both committed to other people. The rumors that were purposefully and carefully planted in order to create more attention about the movie they were starring in together because the movie was not good enough on its own to garner a decent amount of attention. You could say that was why Daisy was getting some attention of her own lately. Her name had been dropped a few times in some tabloids, and by Johnny himself whenever he had to clarify that he was happily taken.

Of course, no matter how many times Johnny and Jessica would insist that nothing had gone on between them, the damage had been done. Daisy got phone calls from her aunts and cousins, telling her that she should leave her boyfriend for being a dirty cheater. Willa shot Johnny a glare that stung every chance she got, and she stopped accompanying the guys on their weekend outings. 

It was just another reason Daisy ended up alone on these nights. A number of drinks were from other pretty girls who just felt so sorry for Daisy, and that were hoping she and Johnny would make it out of their rough patch. She had gotten quite a few pep talks in the bathroom too, from a girl who had been leaning over the toilet, attempting to give sound advice between upchucks. Again, nothing was really out of the ordinary.

Only a select few knew that this was just a PR thing, Daisy being one of them. As long as she didn’t outright say that the Johnny/Jessica rumor was only for publicity, she wasn’t breaking any rules. She was a bad liar, but anything she said about this topic wasn’t a lie. What she said to these girls was what she said to Pontius.

“I can’t blame anyone for wanting to flirt with him!” Daisy gestured to her tall boyfriend, who was some ways away still talking to that lady fan. She was very pretty, rocking a pink spaghetti strap and low rise jeans, twirling her hair as she talked to him about god-knows-what while he entertained it. Daisy could only look at her man, the way he ducked his head slightly when he found someone attractive was endearing to watch even if it wasn’t directed at her. “Look at him. He’s beautiful.”

“So if I were to go hit on him right now…” Pontius trailed off, which made the woman before him giggle.

“You hit on everyone, and so does he, you’re all the same!” She giggled before sipping the dark liquid in her glass. “Flirting is different from doing!”

“Right, and it’s you he does in the end.”

Daisy clutched his shoulder and tried not to spit out her drink. She passed it down and then nodded her head. “Exactly! He picked me!” 

That was something she was confident in. She trusted Johnny not to do anything to break what they had, and he always stayed true to her. Besides… there was another part of her, that dirty, twisted side of her that liked seeing him hit on other people. She often wondered if he looked that way when he talked to her, given how inept she was at eye contact. Just seeing Johnny turn on the charm from another perspective was oddly attractive. When she was reunited with him again, between hot, needy kisses, Daisy always asked if the other person knew he was taken. She asked if he thought about her, Daisy, when he sweet talked someone else.

“I’m always thinkin’ about you, doll,” he told her when they were in the backseat of his car much later in the night. He had his arm around her, practically holding her in his lap. His nose was trailing down the side of her neck, his voice low and delicious. “Always, always…”

Daisy was smiling triumphantly through the darkness of the vehicle, biting her lip when Johnny took her hand and placed it on his crotch. He certainly didn’t do this with the girls who approached him in public.

“We’re still in the parking lot,” she warned, though she didn’t remove her hand from he kept it.

“I don’t give a fuck, I want you,” he muttered against her neck, his military hat loosening off his head and falling into the vacant seat next to them.

Now Daisy wasn’t one to shy away from the thrilling idea of being watched, just not in this context. However, both she and Johnny were too far gone to drive home. She absolutely refused to let him get behind the wheel, even when he claimed to have driven in worse conditions.

“This is why you need me,” she told him, cradling the back of his head. “I can look past getting gored by a bull, but I will never let you operate heavy machinery.”

“I do need you, sweetheart,” Johnny replied. “I was too far away from you in the bar. Gotta remind me where I belong.”

Well, that would make any woman go crazy. Daisy curled her fingers into his scalp as she sloppily kissed him, not letting go for a single second. However, they both froze when a group of people walked past the parked vehicle. It was dark enough that the couple couldn’t be seen, but the group outside was too close for comfort, settling around the vehicle in the next parking space over.

Daisy remained still, waiting for the external noise to go away. She peered out the window and only saw this group of twentysomethings casually chat with each other instead of getting in their car and getting the fuck out of the lot. However, she didn’t move her hands from Johnny’s form. In fact, she tightened the hold just a little more, just enough to make her boyfriend stir and blow out a long breath.

He craned his head to kiss the crook of Daisy’s neck, quick to forget the small commotion outside. Then he moved her legs from his lap, intending to lie Daisy across the seat, if only it wasn’t for her hands moving to his chest to stop him.

“Stay,” was the last thing she whispered that night.

Johnny listened, his eyes would be twinkling if it wasn’t so dark in the car. He settled back in his seat, arm around his girlfriend, waiting for what would happen next. Suddenly the air was thick with tension that could be cut by the yellow pocket knife Daisy got for Valentine’s Day that year.

Her left hand snuck its way down Johnny’s body as they locked lips again, taking in the little crevices of his red t-shirt and skimming past the little patch of hair under his belly button. It was almost embarrassing that Daisy still couldn’t figure out how to undo that Bullshit belt buckle, but she just moved on to unzip the front of Johnny’s dickies so as to not ruin the moment. Once Johnny realized what she was trying to do, he released the buckle himself, and Daisy’s hand disappeared in his boxers with much more ease.

Neither of them faltered as the group outside suddenly laughed collectively at something, it was now just background noise. It was like those times in Daisy’s apartment when salacious activities were happening in front of Tom & Jerry playing on the TV. The only difference here was that they could get caught, and that was exhilarating. She could have really put on a show and just rode Johnny, it would have made the car lurch and that would have been a dead giveaway at the cost of the moment disappearing sooner than later.

But she liked doing this. This was how she reminded her boyfriend of his place, because she couldn’t just tease him with her voice and ask if the other girls touched him like this. Daisy liked the power she held in her hand, she knew it was just enough to get him going. The way Johnny released a sharp breath and the way his jaw went slack was just proof of that. He didn’t try to change the pace or make Daisy use anything other than her hand, no matter how much he wanted things to escalate. She knew what she was doing, she knew exactly how to keep him in line.

It’s not like Johnny was keeping his hands to himself either. He reached up to unbutton Daisy’s blouse and pressed his lips against every inch of her chest that was exposed. His big hand roamed around her stomach and waist, wanting to pull her in impossibly closer. But he knew the tone for this scene, even if Daisy couldn’t say it out loud.

“You’re really gonna do me like this?” he teased between kisses.

Daisy nodded, letting her thumb circle the very tip of him.

That was where Johnny’s snark began and ended. A breathy moan came out of him as his eyes fluttered shut, consistent pleasure consuming him entirely. He left another kiss or two on Daisy’s neck, and promised to give her whatever she wanted after this. She deserved it, she was too good to him.

A smile that was almost too giddy for the moment etched on her face at the sound of that. She ducked her head and kissed Johnny on the mouth, free hand pulling slightly on his hair while the other went back to the repetitive motion. She ate up all the soft moans he let into her mouth, and smirked when he pathetically whined about how he wanted to fuck her right. And it was with a smile on her face did she make him come all over her hand, enjoying how tightly he held her waist and how lovely he sounded when he was wrecked by an orgasm.

She kissed his cheek so tenderly, a very sharp contrast to her cleaning her hand off on his t-shirt. Clearly, her mind was still hazy.

Another peek out the window showed that the group next to them had minimized slightly, they were none the wiser. Daisy’s heart was pounding, adrenaline was pumping through her veins at the thought of what could have happened.

“Fuck,” Johnny breathed out, his entire body relaxing in the seat. That cute, satisfied smile was on his pretty mouth in record time and he looked at his girlfriend. “Love you, baby.”

He leaned in for another kiss, affectionately cupping her cheek.

Daisy happily wiggled from side to side. Hearing and receiving his love was oxygen in her lungs. No matter how pretty, how blonde, how normal any other girl at that bar was, Johnny still picked Daisy.

~

“You really don’t care that this pop star is all over your man?” asked Willa, watching the TV in mild disbelief.

On the screen, there was Johnny donning a handsome grey suit with his crusty-ass Converse, contrasting his two costars who were head-to-toe in black. All three of them looked beautiful, and all three were posing in front of cameras on a red (or black) carpet somewhere in the city. A reporter was saying something about how stunning they looked, and who exactly Jessica was wearing as a camera panned up her body.

Daisy felt her eyes fall out of focus again, seeing her. But her answer had remained the same throughout the last several months, no matter how many times she was asked by friends and relatives, no matter how many press junket photos she had seen, no matter how many magazine articles she had skimmed past, and no matter how many emails she looked over for Johnny.

“I can’t say I blame her.” Daisy shrugged. “I mean, he looks hot, Seann looks good… Jess looks… nice.” Hot. All three of them, really. Hot, hot, hot.

“What, and that makes it okay?” Willa asked, grabbing the remote and turning down the volume as the show went to commercial. She shifted to face her friend. “Hotness isn’t consent to make a pass at people in committed relationships. And she’s in one of those committed relationships.”

“Sí, es cierto…” Daisy hummed and then she took her empty glass from the table. “Is there more wine?”

There were plenty of things she could have said to ease Willa’s - and everyone’s - valid concerns. Daisy could have told her about the time Jessica showed up to a dive bar a couple of weekends ago, the same place Johnny, Daisy, and the guys frequented. She could have talked about how she and Jessica bonded over tequila shots… and how they sat in the bathroom together when Daisy was tired of the noise and Jessica was tired of the attention. To put it shortly, they shed mascara-filled tears together and spoke of their woes. A majority of the night ended up being spent in that dingy little bathroom, and Daisy, while so intoxicated she was mumbling, left that night with a new understanding of this girl. She didn’t resent her at all, it was just as she had thought.

It made her sad that those in Daisy’s close circle thought so badly of Jessica for having a crush, and it was even sadder that some of her aunts actually believed what was being written in those magazines. It was a little frustrating that Daisy couldn’t explain it away, given that NDAs and other contracts were signed. Aside from that, Daisy knew that talking about Jessica’s personal problems was just gossip, and even though they were both wasted in that bathroom, whatever was said in there, lived and died there. Her best friend and boyfriend weren’t exempt from that.

Willa went to fetch the extra bottle of cheap Stella Rosa from her kitchen cabinet and was back in a flash, with more words to say.

“And what is Johnny doing about it? Surely he’s not entertaining her passes, right?” she asked as she refilled the glasses. “¿Si sabe que lo vas a chingar, verdad?”

“I would fuck him up if there was a reason for it,” Daisy reminded her. “Actually, I fuck him really good.” A memory of the previous night flashed through her mind. She was bent over the bathroom counter, wearing nothing but his t-shirt and silently begging him to take her. “Okay, so he fucked me–”

“Ay, cochina!” Willa snapped as she playfully pushed her friend’s arm.

“I mean, the sex is really good lately. It’s always really good, he let me choke him today–”

“I don’t wanna hear that!”

“Oh… Well, my point is, If something was wrong, trust me, I would still be living on your couch.”

Willa let out a breath before draining her wine glass in one gulp. “You still spend a lot of time on my couch, when you could be at your big mansion in the Hills. We could have had the girls over for a day, you got plenty of space now.”

Daisy sipped her wine as she considered her words. But her answers were always simple. “I don’t want lots of people in the house.”

That was a rule she had established with Johnny when they first got the keys. No strangers allowed, and that extended to parties. Those things quickly grew out of control, and the last thing Daisy wanted was to find someone she didn’t know raiding the fridge the morning after a rager. Besides, the leftover mess of a house party was eerily similar to an apartment that had been burglarized. That was something she did not enjoy discovering.

“I miss my apartment,” she added.

“Still? Even after moving in with your guy, in that beautiful fucking house? I know you hate change but this…” Willa trailed off. “It’s been months since all that happened.”

“I know.” She shrugged. “I wish I was over it too.”

Daisy also wished she was used to the new way of living. She wished she could appreciate it more, that she wouldn’t see it as a rude disruption of her life. Over and over, Daisy tried to drill into her mind that this was the best case scenario in a worst case situation. She woke up to Johnny every day, he came home to her every day. That was something to be grateful for.

After spending two hours of hearing Willa complain about all of the wins Mean Girls got, Daisy went home… or, the place she currently slept at and kept all her belongings in. Once she was settled inside the spacious, clean living room, she realized how much better it would have been if she had invited Willa here to watch the awards. It would have helped make the house feel more homey. It would have helped ease the anxiety she got every time she opened the front door.

~

The door opened and closed in a flash, Daisy felt the silence and muffled sounds of music and people talking loudly washing over her like a weight had just come off of her shoulders. Musty, dingy bathrooms were a sanctuary for her nowadays. She sighed as her shoulders relaxed, her brown eyes fluttered shut for a split second before they flew open again at the sound of shuffling coming from the bathtub. A whole person in a cheetah thong was sitting in the off-white porcelain, taking a drag from a cigarette.

“I have to pee,” Daisy said pointedly.

“Okay,” Steve-O replied before blowing smoke out of his mouth. “Go pee.”

“Get out.”

“Nah dude, I like it here.”

Daisy looked around, catching a glance of herself in the mirror and noticing her narrowed eyes. She had a lot to drink, which meant she could justify being in the bathroom with another man. She didn’t actually have to pee, she just needed to get away from the party sounds. It had been several hours since she had showed up here, and her drinking limit had been reached a while ago.The first bits of sobriety were starting to hit, so she needed a place to wind down just for a second because her date wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon. This strategy only worked when it was just her and Jessica in a bar bathroom, maybe it could work with Steve-O in the bathroom of his abysmal apartment.

“Why are you in here?” she asked as she leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor.

“I live here,” he replied before taking another drag. “Why aren’t you peeing?”

“I have performance anxiety, Steeb.” She stared at the wooden cabinets below the sink. If she wasn’t so tired, she might have wondered and theorized about what atrocities he kept in there.

“I can close the curtain,” he offered as he reached forward to grab the transparent plastic barrier. “Oh… it’s clear. Nevermind.” He chuckled before taking another drag.

Daisy hardly processed his words. “Do you ever get nervous having to uh, ‘perform’ around people?” She put quotes around the word.

Steve-O sat up a little more, resting his elbows on the side of the tub. “Nah, I can pee whenever. Can’t shit, though. That’s Dave’s thing.”

“I… that’s not what I meant,” Daisy said as she brought her knees to her chest. “I mean like, when you have all these strangers in your house. Do you feel like you’re putting on an act?”

“Dude, I’m an attention whore. That’s all I do.”

She understood that to an extent. As much as she liked talking to people, Daisy would still end up drained and disgruntled afterwards. The difference was that Steve-O did crazy, reckless, outlandish things to keep anyone looking at him. All Daisy did was try to have a conversation with someone, and that was exhausting sometimes, especially in places like crowded parties.

But she didn’t explain that part to him, or anyone. Never ever.

“I get that. I’m a Leo. The stars programmed me to like attention, but I guess I like it more from the people I keep around.”

“Ah, you mean Knoxville?”

She nodded softly.

“Where is he now? You guys are usually attached by the hip… or, the genitals.” Steve-O chuckled again, really entertaining himself. However, he quieted down when he realized Daisy wasn’t giggling with him. “Isn’t it a little fucked up that he’s mackin’ on other girls when you’re right there? Is that what he’s doing right now?”

Daisy was rocking from side to side before she realized. That little aspect of her relationship was never talked about out loud, not so explicitly. But Steve-O was one of the few people who knew very well that he needed to be forward with Daisy. Either that, or he just didn’t care about how he sounded.

“No,” she finally answered. “I think he was talking to Wee Man.”

“And that thing with Jessica, I mean, what the fuck is that, dude?” Steve-O asked. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s a sweet girl, but aren’t you worried?”

“I think I should be more worried that PJ’s gonna sleep with one of you guys instead of a random girl… or Jessica.”

That made Steve-O laugh again, slapping the side of the tub. “Hey, at least you’ll know he had a good time.”

“That’s what scares me.” Daisy cracked a small grin. “He woke up in bed one day and Bam was next to him.”

“Oh that’s right!” Steve-O was cracking up now. “Weren’t they wearing mascara or something? Where were you for all of that?”

Daisy shrugged, picking up on some of his wheezing laughter. “I dunno, I didn’t even know about it until Bam told me like an hour ago.”

The two of them laughed for a moment. It helped release some of the tension and tightness in Daisy’s body. She knew all too well how Steve-O can be, she had been there on the occasions when he was the reason the group was getting kicked out of a bar, or when he was throwing up in the back of a cab. Walking into this bathroom, Daisy half expected to be roped into something stupid, but she was glad she got to sit here with him and attempt to recover.

“You should go find him,” Steve-O said after a while.

“Who? Bam?” Daisy asked.

He huffed out a laugh. “I mean Knoxville, unless whatever game you guys are playing includes hooking up with his friends.”

She scoffed. “No! Just flirting, and that’s different from doing! And PJ usually comes to find me.”

As if on cue, there was a knock on the door, followed by the voice of the man in question.

“Daisy-doll, you in there?”

She grinned smugly over at Steve-O, who only shrugged and gestured for her to go.

~

The hours of silence and monotony felt as if Daisy was just asleep, or under water. One hour of being thirty-something and she was spending it on the living room floor like a crumpled up piece of paper. It wasn’t that different from years' past, but exactly one year ago she was ringing in a revolution around the sun by getting bent over the mattress by her one and only. Earlier today she got hit on by a cashier at Taco Bell, and that was the highlight. Things do change without you realizing it, and Daisy willed herself to not go crazy over it. If it wasn’t so late, Daisy might have gone back to the fast food place to talk to that cashier again. If Johnny could do it, why couldn’t she?

Daisy could have chatted up plenty of strangers if she had followed him to the Dukes of Hazzard premiere… But Daisy knew herself, and Johnny knew her too. He was ever so kind as he was once again rejected by his girlfriend to be his plus one at this premiere, and he promised he would be back in time to celebrate her birthday.

At this point, Daisy was just trying not to fall asleep on the floor. She didn’t always wait for Johnny to come home, but when she did, all the time she spent with him consisted of soft goodnight’s and soft kisses. Today was her birthday, it needed to be different. Just this once, Daisy will accept the change.

When Johnny finally came through the door, it was as good as an alarm clock. A party popper went off, followed by the sounds of rattling balloons, and Johnny singing Happy Birthday in what was supposed to be a sexy, Elvis-like voice.

Daisy smiled at the commotion, but kept quiet as she remained in her place on the ugly brown rug on the floor. The color was ugly, the shaggy texture was soothing. It was why she kept it in the house, along with her squeaky old couch from her apartment.

“What’re you doin’ down there?” Johnny asked when he stepped into the living room. He clutched a bouquet of yellow tulips in one hand and a bouquet of silver and yellow balloons in the other. Confused, he approached Daisy, who had her head under the glass coffee table. “You’re not dying on me, are ya? That’s my job, remember?”

“Not funny,” Daisy replied. “Come lay with me.”

Johnny got down and set the items on the table. He crossed his legs and leaned on the glass, watching her through it with a type of dopey smile that only came out when he was intoxicated. The fact that he was still coherent was surprising, making Daisy’s eyes flicker up to meet his gaze.

“I thought you would have stayed out later.”

“And why would I do that? I can’t miss your birthday,” he told her as he reached under the table to touch her hair, tangling the curls around his fingers. “We’ll have a party of our own. I brought you something.”

“Besides the flowers and balloons?” Daisy asked.

Johnny’s smile only widened as he reached into his white blazer and pulled out a bottle of… well at this point, he nor Daisy really cared. It was just about getting drunk and having fun now.

“Was that a party favor?” she asked as she finally ducked out from under the table.

“Oh no, I took it from the bar when the bartender wasn’t looking.”

Daisy chuckled. “You need to be kept on a leash or something.”

“You’d love to put a leash on me, wouldn’t you?” He smirked as he tugged on his own black tie. “Is that what you want for your birthday? To keep me close and put me in my place?”

Now she was blushing, watching his hand around the fabric. The way Johnny could get her flustered with just a few words never changed over time. What did change was Daisy opening herself up more… in the bedroom. The same couldn’t be said for other parts of life.

“You’re really drunk,” she commented.

“That’s why I brought this, so we can be on the same level,” he said as he held up the glass bottle and twisted the cap open. “C’mere, baby.”

He crawled towards her and put his arm around Daisy, telling her to open up. The strong clear liquid was poured into her mouth, and she cringed at the taste. It was tequila, decent tequila, but she shook her head as she struggled to get it down.

“Come on, you got this,” Johnny told her as he rubbed her shoulder, grinning when she finally swallowed. “That’s my girl.”

“That was gross,” she told him as she shook herself off.

“Maybe, but it’ll put lead in your pencil.”

“I dunno what that means.”

“It means you’re gonna get wasted.” Johnny took a hefty swig from the bottle and made a face as well. “Oh, this is pretty shitty huh?”

Daisy nodded. “Bad birthday present.”

They spent time on the living room floor, lazily making out and stripping off some of Johnny’s suit, but not going any further. It was late, and Daisy was certain that he was going to fall asleep on her. She could have done almost anything, leash included, but Johnny had the same respect for her when she was the one who was out of it. So they kept drinking, kissing, and petting heavily on their living room floor.

“Humor me,” Johnny said after a while, clumsily fixing the buttons on his shirt as he stared up at the high ceiling. “What is so great about being on the floor if you’re not getting it on?”

“I don’t know why I do the things I do,” Daisy mumbled, eyes half lidded. “It just feels good… if no one’s got me, the ground got me…”

“I got you,” Johnny told her, and then he rolled onto his side to face her. “Y’know, the last time we were on the floor like this we were talkin’ about getting hitched.”

“Speaking of ge’ing it on,” Daisy was slurring now, and disregarding everything except her own thoughts. “I think… I think…”

Johnny leaned down, waiting for her to finish before doing it for her. “You think you wanna get it on? Right here, right now?”

“No, I think if you fucked Jessica, I’d be more mad that you didn’ ‘nvite me.”

That had him rolling with laughter. Daisy wasn’t sure how much of it was true, she felt very spacey. Her mind couldn’t help but spiral when she saw him with Jessica, which was both annoying and inconvenient because Daisy did have a few pleasant talks with the girl. The little shreds of insecurity and doubt that simmered in the back of her head were loud, rattling the bars of their cage. The only way to shut it up was to physically say the things Daisy had been saying all this time.

I see the appeal.

He flirts with anything that moves, this is no different.

Flirting is different from doing.

He picked me. Me!

“I could call her, y’know,” Johnny mused. “I could call anyone.”

ME.

“No,” Daisy said with a childish shake of her head. “It took me so long to get used to you, I don’t wanna do that all over again.”

“Good point.” Johnny moved so he was lying between her legs, so close that Daisy could smell the mix of various liquors and a hint of cigarette smoke on him. “I like having you all to myself anyways.”

He leaned down to kiss her again, lingering for a moment as he let his hands roam around Daisy’s sides, moving her t-shirt around. Then, when he realized her own hands were still very much to herself, Johnny took them and put them on his body while pressing more of his weight on her.

“I don’t wanna share you,” Daisy admitted, her voice clear and cut.

Johnny picked his head up, looking down at her even though she wouldn’t meet his gaze. “I’m all yours, baby. You know that.”

It was nice to hear. He did come home in the middle of an afterparty just for her. There was just something itching inside Daisy’s little brain, and she mulled it over while gently caressing Johnny’s pretty face.

“Did Jessica try anything with you at the premiere?”

“We ain’t gotta talk about this,” Johnny told her as he leaned down for another kiss. He took his time, lingered a little bit, but it didn’t derail anything.

“It’s my birthday,” Daisy reminded him. “So I should get whatever I want.”

“I agree.” He went to kiss her again, but Daisy’s fingers went over his lips.

She repeated her question, and Johnny replied no. Jessica’s plus one to the premiere was her husband, so she was fully occupied.

“The only thing I got up close and personal with was a mechanical bull,” Johnny added. “Although, he was easy on the eyes.”

“I always knew I’d lose you to a bull.”

That made Johnny laugh. He didn’t know that Daisy was being serious.

They eventually moved to the couch, where the slats creaked when their combined weight pressed down on the cushions. Daisy tried to ignore the ache in her heart.

“C’mere,” Johnny said as he lay down on his back, opening his arms.

Daisy was already straddling his lap, looking down at him. His tie was loose as well as his button up, showing the tiniest bits of hair on his chest. How did she manage to lock him down? How did she keep him around for this long? Clearly, there were better options out there.

She was rigid as she lied in his arms. She was over the cuddling, but Johnny could never get enough of it. It was just one of many differences between them. Maybe that wasn’t such a good thing anymore…

“Would you really be pissed if I didn’t invite you to fuck another woman?” Johnny suddenly asked, breaking the silence in the room.

Daisy's eyes were on the coffee table ahead but she was essentially staring at nothing. Her brows bunched together slowly. “Have you fucked another woman without telling me?”

“Fucking ‘course not,” he replied. “I just know you say things like it is, so I wanna know how serious you are about that. You know you’re my best girl.”

Uh oh. Daisy quickly tried to swallow down that shred of insecurity and doubt, but they had burst out of their enclosure and came out swinging.

“I’m just trying to make peace with the choice I made.”

From her peripherals, she saw Johnny turn his head to look at her, even taking off his sunglasses to really see her. “What choice is that?”

“When you asked me to stay with you in Baton Rouge and I said no.”

For a moment, Johnny didn’t say anything as he played with her curls. “You didn’t really have a choice–”

“You tried to give me a choice,” she quickly explained, wiggling her toes. “You told me not to think about my busted up apartment. But I chose to trust you, even if you go and hit on other girls, I know it doesn’t go further than that. You’re just built like that, to be a huge flirt and that’s fine.”

“A little passive aggressive, but okay.”

“It’s not—“ Daisy paused and sat up, her head heavy and dizzy. Her voice went up an octave when she spoke again. “I’m not being passive aggressive, I swear. I just - I do trust you. There’s just that part of my brain that thinks about the what ifs because, well, I'm easy to lie to.” She looked down and picked at her nails for a minute. “I know when I’m being made fun of, but I don’t know when someone is being dishonest.”

She instinctively leaned back when Johnny’s hand went over hers, and he quickly retracted with a sigh.

“I’ve always been honest with you,” he reassured as he sat up as well. “Remember when we first started going out? You told me you needed things to be straightforward, and I haven’t let up on that. I won’t let up on that.”

Daisy nodded, looking down at her lap over his and wondering if she should just get on with the birthday sex if it meant getting away from these ugly bubbling feelings.

“You hear me?” Johnny asked, ducking his head to get into her line of vision.

“I do,” she said, and that made him smile.

“I like those words.”

Daisy didn’t say anything more. She couldn’t. She was still upset with herself, and the alcohol in her system only amplified that. All her life, she has been naive and gullible, a fucking idiot who didn’t know how to read the room. All she did for the last few years was try not to be any of those things, for the sake of keeping this lovely man who was due for leaving again soon.

“C’mon now, Daisy-doll,” Johnny said as he gently touched her chin. “No pouting on your birthday. Tell me what I gotta do.”

Daisy reached over to the coffee table and swiped up the half empty tequila bottle. She twisted off the cap and threw it over her shoulder. “Open your mouth.”

“Yes ma’am.”

She was not careful as the clear liquid hit Johnny’s mouth… and his whole face. He flinched away as he reached for the bottle.

“C’mon baby, you’re wasting it!” he laughed, grabbing at her wrist.

“Good, it’s nasty anyways!” she giggled.

It went from trying to pry the bottle away, to accidentally dropping and shattering it on the floor, to not giving a shit that the living room now reeked like alcohol, to making out again. Their clothes made friends with the pieces of glass and spilled tequila soon after, and the poor couch was a little more worn down later that morning.

~

Daisy flipped her cell open and shut as she sat on the floor, next to the stain on the hardwood that was just in front of the sleek white couch. She had seen the amount of missed calls from Willa, Lucia, and tia Gaby. Short, simple texts were sent back in response so at least they would know she was around. Other than that, Daisy turned her phone off.

There wasn’t a call or text from Johnny, and that was just a brutal reminder that he was only doing what she asked. He was staying away, because he knew her. Daisy missed him, the house felt so empty and cloudy without his light. Looking at the little bits of Johnny around the living room alone made her heart ache. You would think he had died with how cold and lonely Daisy felt. She already felt that with the loss of her mother, who also had a knack for pushing people away.

She was going to call him. It was inevitable. Their story wasn’t over. Daisy just needed to put some pieces of her back together first. She had to make herself presentable for him.

Chapter Text

“This… is the real hot potato!”

It’s no secret that Daisy didn’t visit Johnny at work often, even when he was working in town. She usually had her own day plans, like her own job. When it was time to start filming Jackass Number Two at the beginning of the new year, Daisy made extra sure to keep her distance by picking up more shifts at the gym and spending even more time training in the ring. The plus side was that the bruises and cuts she came home with matched Johnny’s, and it made her less neurotic about seeing his.

Aside from that, there were forms and regulations about not messing with certain people on set of the movie, and all the guys’ significant others, Daisy included, signed those in a heartbeat. Despite that, her lack of visiting was for two reasons.

The first reason was that things on the set of Jackass Number Two were, you guessed it, much too insane for her liking, even if she wasn’t participating in the chaos. Just hearing about it from Johnny made her anxious. Knowing that it was all happening in real time was adding to it too. The last time a Jackass project was going on, Daisy was too busy grieving the death of her mother. Besides, she didn’t start dating Johnny until after that movie wrapped. She thought the chaos was done for good at that time.

The one day that Johnny convinced her to visit Dickhouse, because it was Friday and Friday was their day, Daisy didn’t feel any less antsy. She masked it well, though. Her arms were folded casually (Bam said she looked constipated) and she leaned against the wall (Jeff told her he did the same thing out of sheer paranoia), watching as Johnny, Ryan, Dave, and Willie fucking Garson tossed a stun gun around like, as Johnny said, a hot potato. However, the bit very quickly turned into throwing the gun to whoever was in close proximity. 

The crackling of the device was loud in Daisy’s ears, even if it managed to stay away from her. The sounds of everyone panicking because the game wasn’t just for four people anymore sent a wave of nausea through her system. Her face was doing the motions she taught herself to do long ago: laugh, smile, engage, mimic? 

“Do your balls, do your balls, do your balls!” Johnny enthusiastically egged on.

Daisy’s body only tightened more as she watched Ryan bring the stun gun to his crotch. She jumped when he cried out, and she was the only one to do so. No one paid any mind, but she caught Bam giving her a look from the desk he was sitting on top of nearby. It was only for a split second, he quickly went back to laughing at the scene at hand.

“No, don’t do that!” Ryan was saying as he rolled around on the floor, holding his junk. He settled onto his back, repeating the words over and over. “As funny as it sounds, don’t!”

After the scene wrapped up, Johnny kept the stun gun on hand and was buzzing it out of habit. He approached Daisy, who was keeping her back glued to the blinds against the wall, and he noticed her eyes fixated on the buzzing device.

“Wanna give this a go, sweetheart?” he asked with a smirk.

To his surprise, she said yes. If anything, Daisy was expecting to receive some type of pain or unpleasant sensation while visiting him at work, signed forms be damned, because the norm in this environment was anything goes. Might as well get it out of the way. Plus… she was a little curious to see what the big deal was about being so wrapped up in pain.

“Alright.” Johnny chuckled as he activated the taser and held it up.

Daisy was quick to touch her finger to the white hot electrical current. Immediately, her entire arm seized up with pain and she took her finger away. Her heart pounded hard, and suddenly her brain was going even faster than it normally did. She practically blanked for a few seconds until she could make out the sounds around her, like everything was coming back into focus.

“You really are tougher’n all of us, huh?” Johnny said, both amused and impressed. He put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder affectionately. “Didn’t even scream!”

Daisy laughed it off as well, pushing away the urge to shake off her entire body like a wet dog. There was a feeling in her chest that was more unpleasant than the taser, but she played it cool because that’s what everyone else did here. Against her better judgment, wanting to keep the calm and collected mask on, she stared her boyfriend in the face and said with her whole chest, “Do it yourself next time.”

She saw that glint in his eyes, and he didn’t even hesitate to stick the taser in her rib cage. Once again, Daisy didn’t cry out or flinch as violently as others had with this type of torture. Her body tensed and her face screwed up, but not a sound came out of her. Again, her heart nearly beat out of her chest and her brain went so fast she practically disappeared for a few seconds.

“Look at you,” Johnny smiled. “You wanna be a Jackass?”

“No.”

He laughed again, though Daisy didn’t catch the joke.

As soon as the commotion died down and attention was directed elsewhere, Johnny put the taser away and moved to hug Daisy from behind. His arms were across her chest and his mouth was at her ear in an instant.

“You have any idea what that did to me, pretty girl?” he said in a tone only she could hear.

Daisy only caught the implication through the pet name, and giggled softly. “You’re joking.”

“Just you wait.”

Anyways, forget about the fact that he fucked her on the nearest table and spanked her til her ass was red as soon as they got home that night. That’s not the point here.

Her back was aching as she stood up straight again, and her butt was sore. Johnny was kissing the back of her neck as she fixed her shirt and underwear, pants completely forgotten on the floor. His hands were on her waist as soon as he was able to, much more gentle, like he just didn’t spend the last hour defiling her body. He was hazy, satisfied, and extra affectionate, needing Daisy to return that energy.

But Daisy was tired, and went up to the bedroom to sleep the day off. 

The point is, some bits were being shot at the house, leaving Daisy to hide out in the bedroom all day long. She was polite for the most part, saying hi to Mike Judge before he blew air into Preston’s butt. She said nothing when she saw a pile of vomit fly past the window she was sitting by several minutes later. All she had to do was stay out of the way, and it worked for most of the afternoon. In fact, Daisy had the slightest inkling that staying at the gym all day would have been a better plan for her. It’s not like anyone would notice she was gone.

It was almost embarrassing how quickly she perked up at Johnny calling her name out in the hall. Daisy ripped off her headphones and shut off her CD player and went for the bedroom door, but it opened before she could get there.

Johnny entered the room, sunglasses still perched on his nose. “Hey, whatcha doin’ right now?”

“Why?” Daisy asked.

“Come outside, we’re shooting some things.”

“Oh I know. I assume that was Steve-O who puked over the balcony?”

Johnny laughed. “Yeah, it was. Don’t worry, the PA’s cleaned it up already.” Then he held his hand out to her. “C’mon, you should see this next bit. We’re doing the shock phone.”

That only left Daisy with more questions. She asked as she took his hand and let him pull her out of the dark. What is the shock phone? Why is it shocking people? Is it electrocution or just really shitty news?

After politely saying hi to Luke Wilson, Daisy stood outside with the guys and watched them mess around with a very old military phone from another century. Except it wasn’t a phone, it was a torture device. She stood by and watched Loomis, Bam, Ryan, Steve-O, and Luke get shocked by this thing. Once or twice she had to hide her head in Johnny’s chest to avoid cackling as loud as he did.

The phone “rang” one final time.

“Brrriiiiiing!”

Pontius picked up the receiver. “Daisy…”

Her heart fell into her stomach, yet a smile grew on her face. “What?”

“They’re speaking Spanish, you gotta come talk to ‘em.”

So that’s why Johnny wanted her out here. Daisy already proved once that she could take a shock fairly well, and now he wanted to see it happen again. Well, why was Daisy going to pass up the opportunity? Anything to keep him looking at her, right?

She padded over and took the receiver from Pontius, holding it to her ear. “Bueno?”

Johnny asked her where she wanted it, and she wordlessly held out her left hand. He put the clips on her middle two fingers, and that was when the nerves kicked in. Daisy’s heart pounded even more this time around, because she already knew what this felt like. Her entire body jolted as the pain shot through her fingers, hand, and arm.

But no sound came out of her. The only sounds were the guys laughing at her funny bodily movements, and then applauding her once the thing was turned off. Daisy tensed at Pontius and Steve-O patting her on the back for the accomplishment, and she was quick to step away from the camaraderie once she was no longer needed.

Needless to say, the cast and crew piled out during the night to go to the bar. Daisy wouldn’t have joined in if she didn’t have a drink or two beforehand just to calm down. After that, everything felt a little easier. Somewhere between sitting on her usual barstool minding her own business and getting ushered out of a bar with the guys after one of them did something atrocious, she began to wonder how Johnny kept up with all of this chaos. Or how anyone could keep up.

Or maybe it was just Daisy. Puny, weak little Daisy.

The next day, she was irritable upon waking up, shaking off Johnny’s attempt at a morning cuddle. He decided to let her be and leave the house to pick up breakfast. Daisy then felt guilty and decided to clean up the downstairs area while she waited for him to come back, only to get upset all over again when the Shakira CD in the sound system began skipping at her favorite song. No more oral fixations for Daisy.

Johnny boiled this weird mood down to Daisy being upset that she was tasered and shocked at all. But that wasn’t true in the slightest; She was asked to join in on the camaraderie, and she said yes. Even if her contribution didn’t make it to the final cut, Daisy didn’t care. She just needed to rest, her body was craving it despite the fact that she was the last person to deserve a break.

Daisy was there for one day, she couldn’t imagine how all the guys were doing that for months on end, and so willing as well.

So she didn’t visit her boyfriend at work after that. Daisy was glad that he didn't get upset easily, and she was glad that he didn’t even ask her to visit again.

~

“I’m almost at the hotel,” Daisy said into her phone. “Fucking finally…”

Despite how comfortable the seats were in this car, she couldn’t relax. She wouldn’t relax until she went to sleep tonight. Everything about getting to Orlando was a mess. Willa was supposed to accompany her on this trip, but had to cancel at the last minute due to something resembling the flu. Then, Daisy’s flight had been delayed. She was supposed to land in the morning and spend the whole day on location with the guys while they made their little movie. After landing and getting in the car, the driver got lost in traffic, missed the exit, and yelled at anyone who honked their horn. This was why Daisy preferred to stay home these days; something always went wrong when she tried to do anything for herself.

The sound of Johnny’s voice on the other line was only a little soothing as he told her where to find him. “Can’t wait to see you, baby.”

Listen… Daisy needed the commotion, and Johnny needed Daisy. It was simple. He was ecstatic that she accepted his invite, and flew her out for the weekend, just like he had done a couple years prior. The anxiety of what could be happening at the house in Los Angeles in their absence was calmed by the fact that Daisy sent Willa to ride out her illness there. Even if she was sick, Willa was still a kickboxer too. She knew how to hold down the fort, even with the plague.

The anxiety of her own mind was what made Daisy agree to going out of state. The absence of not just her boyfriend, but all their friends felt so different this time. Things had changed in the span of a month, and even though Daisy wasn’t the one staying busy shooting a very dangerous film, it left her head spinning. She felt like she was the one who was sick as a dog. Did it always feel that way? Was it going to stay that way forever?

At least she knew where to go upon entering the building, rolling her little suitcase behind her. She didn’t have to interact with the front desk person and accidentally be a dick to them, she just went straight for the elevators, up to the floor where Johnny was staying. One thing Daisy knew was that the entire floor was booked out for the cast and crew, so there wasn’t a stranger in sight when she stepped out.

There wasn’t anyone at all. But the bleak hallway smelled like body odor and weed. Daisy followed the arrows on the wall towards Johnny’s room, almost unnerved at how quiet and empty the corridor was. That is until she turned a corner, and saw two figures standing at someone’s door, one was laughing his ass off.

Daisy squinted her eyes as she stepped closer. “Bam?”

The guy in question turned, still amused by whatever. “Right on fuckin’ time! Come over here!”

She padded over, glancing at Lance in the hopes of some explanation as to why it was so quiet here, but he only kept filming. She didn’t even get so much as a hello. People were not good at acting like people, she discovered.

“Some girl wants to fuck your man,” Bam snickered.

“Who doesn’t?” Daisy bluntly replied.

“Nah, come read this! Some fan left this—“ He laughed some more while he beckoned her over. “Look, read it for the camera.”

Upon closer inspection, there was a heart made of red and blue construction paper taped to the wall next to one of the doors. Scrawled, black handwriting was all over the red heart, getting smaller and more cramped as it got towards the bottom.

Daisy squinted her eyes again, trying to make out the words.

“Read it!” Bam egged on.

“I am.”

“Out loud, for the camera!”

“Why? I’m not even in the m—“

The heart suddenly launched towards her face. Well, not the heart itself. And it wasn’t Daisy’s face either, she ducked out of the way at the last second. Her jaw dropped at the sight of a hole in the wall where the heart was, and a boxing glove extending out of it.

Bam was keeling over with scream laughter, and Lance was chuckling while keeping the camera still. It was then that more doors opened and more people filled up the corridor. Suddenly every jackass was taking up space, yelling, laughing, and welcoming Daisy to Orlando. She got a hug from Pontius and a high five from Wee Man, both gestures left her skin crawling. Everyone was speaking at once, and all Daisy could make out was that she was the last one to get the valentine. All the sounds made it hard for her to ask what the fuck that meant.

At last, the door next to said valentine opened, and out came the one guy Daisy was here to see. She smiled upon meeting his gaze, hidden behind his usual aviators, and then her eyes trailed down to his white t-shirt.

“Why are you covered in blood?” she asked.

Johnny chuckled as he opened his arms and went towards her with a hug. “You should see the other guy,” he said as he squeezed her.

“What, the anaconda that fucked you up?” Pontius said, making Daisy perk up even more.

“There was an anaconda?” she asked as she looked up at Johnny with big doe-eyes. Just what exactly had she missed out on today?

Johnny was quick to pull her out of the commotion, taking her hand and pulling her through the hall. He called over his shoulder to the guys, telling them not to bug him for the next two days. That only led to various wolf whistles and crude comments to follow the couple to Johnny’s room.

The sounds were muffled and indistinct the moment Daisy was behind closed doors, and that was loud on its own. All day her mind and body were thrown for loop after loop. Her entire system was resetting itself as she stood blankly at the door, staring at the lavish hotel room but not retaining anything.

Being surrounded by the warmth that was Johnny’s arms was a little soothing. Daisy rested her weary head on his chest much more comfortably now that they were alone, and it made her sigh softly.

“You’re here,” Johnny mused as he gently rocked them side to side. “Long day?”

Daisy sighed louder. “You didn’t happen to orchestrate a prank where my flight gets delayed and the cab driver is an ass to me by any chance, did you?”

“Not this time, babydoll. Is that what happened?”

“Yeah, and then my boyfriend tried to punch me in the face.”

Johnny’s body shook as he laughed against her. “Sounds like he’s no good for you. Maybe you gotta get rid of him.”

“Never.” She wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed lightly.

She felt him tenderly kiss the top of her head as he muttered, “You’re too good.”

That’s all she needed to be. Good. Good enough. It’s why she traveled all the way here, right?

Johnny leaned back, his hands on her shoulders. He was always so nice to look at, especially with his sunglasses on. The eye contact felt less intimidating for Daisy, and she got to see more of him.

“I like your hat,” she said. “You’re a little sailor now.”

“I’m the captain,” he replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

“You’re a very handsome captain.” Daisy ran a hand across his arm, being met with the thick bandages wrapped to his own hand. “Was this the anaconda’s doing?”

“Yeah, but it’s nothin’, don’t worry.”

“I wish I would’ve seen it happen.”

Johnny laughed softly. “Yes Daisy, I’m doin’ fine. It doesn’t hurt at all, thanks for asking.”

Her mouth opened in surprise, then realization. “Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? You chose to do that.”

“God, I missed you.”

Kissing him was pleasant and electric… for a few seconds. Daisy could feel the softness of Johnny’s bandage wrap against her cheek, as opposed to the skin of his hand. Not to mention, she was still exhausted and it was mixing with the slowly tapering adrenaline that the valentine caused. She tore her lips away from his and took a breath.

But Johnny was quick to wrap his arms around her waist and pull her in closer. His voice went down an octave as he asked her what was wrong, and it sent a familiar chill down her spine.

“Can I lay down?” she timidly asked. “I’m really tired, I just wanna sleep right now.”

“Only if I can lay with you,” Johnny replied with a kiss on her forehead.

Laying on that cushy bed in that cushy hotel room was probably the singular moment of peace Daisy had that weekend. After waking up from a five hour nap completely alone, it was as if she was in a private room at a nightclub. All she heard were many voices and the sounds of Rihanna bumping through the hallway.

And like a nightclub it was. Upon leaving the room, Daisy discovered the entire hotel floor completely filled with people she didn’t recognize. Not a single person she knew was close enough for her to latch onto until she could find Johnny. She felt her body turn heavy, and her ears buzzed at all the noise, causing her to shrink into herself and slide back into the hotel room.

Then, it was like she was on autopilot. Daisy set her sights on the mini bar and marched over, feeling her hands shake. She didn’t really care what she was going to drink, as long as it made the noise stop, or at least taper down a little bit. The bottle cap of Jack Daniel’s was flicked across the room within seconds, and Daisy was downing as much as she could like she was at some college rager. Maybe she wouldn’t be such a baby about these events if she had experienced them earlier in her life, like everyone else in the hallway.

After putting the bottle down, Daisy noticed a little baggie of white circular pills sitting on the bar surface. She stared blankly for a hot second and then remembered the type of group she was spending the weekend with and made a decision. She was sure Johnny wouldn’t mind or even notice if a couple of pills went missing. Hell, Daisy probably needed the pick-me-up more than he did.

Just as the pills went into her mouth, the door to the room opened. Johnny had entered, still in his bloody white t-shirt and sailor hat. He approached his girlfriend at the mini bar, red solo cup in a bandaged hand and smiling euphorically.

“Hiya, Daisy-doll!” He looked down at the bottle in her hand and continued on like it was another night. “Saw you go in and out of the shenanigans, you okay?”

She nodded, but didn’t focus on that. “Why’d you leave?”

“Oh, I heard the commotion outside and figured I’d better get out there than have the guys come knockin’ and wake you up. Didn’t wanna bug you,” he explained. “You slept like a fuckin’ rock, huh?”

That was an understatement. Daisy slept so hard that she forgot she wasn’t home. She washed down that mini wave of anxiety with another swig of Jack.

It wasn’t until then that Johnny got a full view of what Daisy had been doing.

“Oh, what do we got here?” he asked, giddy as he took the baggie and held it up. “Where’d you get these from?”

“I know they’re yours,” she bluntly replied. “You act like I don’t know what you do when you’re on your own.”

Johnny chuckled, and then popped the last two pills, deciding to join her on this trip. “Yeah, I’m not very subtle, am I?”

“It’s okay, I’m not either.” Then, true to her word, “You should fuck me now.”

The way he smiled at her was what made it all worth it. The out of control parties, the exhausting flights, the drugs. It was just Johnny that made Daisy stay. And it was Daisy that kept Johnny in that cushy room for several hours of the night, letting him take her against the mini bar with a hand around her neck. It wasn’t until they were settled in a mess of white bedsheets and soft pillows, when Daisy was taking back control, were there several enthusiastic knocks on the door.

Clearly, some people noticed Johnny’s absence. His attention was always needed somewhere else, but Daisy decided, no. Not tonight. She needed his attention.

Even with Johnny feverishly insisting that she ignore the commotion, Daisy pulled on the blood stained t-shirt and went to answer the door. Well, she opened the door wide enough to let Steve-O, Jeff, and Ehren know just exactly what was going on in the room before politely telling them that the captain was occupied for the night.

And it was with that combination of whiskey, pills, and false confidence did Daisy survive the night, and the night after. Her mind and body were not in line, one being hazy and the other energetic. Just as she would come down from it, another drink was put in her hand to keep up with the crowd. But it was all fine to her. Anything to keep that smile on her boyfriend’s face, right?

She was there to make Johnny happy, so she was calm. She was happy to be around him despite blacking out. Even if the moments they had alone were just long enough for the two of them to get their frustrations out between the sheets. It was better than not having any time with him at all. That was what usually kept her spirits up, and it was with her own fake smile that Daisy took back to Los Angeles once Monday rolled around. So what if she was dealing with a hangover so bad she threw up in the car on the way to the airport? So what if all she got from that weekend in Orlando was mediocre sex and the urge to take more amphetamines?

~

If there was anything Daisy was good at, it was staying calm. It was looking calm, actually. Time after time in her life there were moments where she was supposed to come off as more or less animated than she was presenting herself, making whoever she was with ask if she was okay. It came in handy at work, when Daisy had to deal with the inevitable rude customer. It served her well when she was out in public with Johnny and paparazzi tried getting reactions out of them with absurd questions.

Even when the guys returned to LA for an unofficial wrap party in June (the movie wasn’t wrapped per Johnny’s orders), and Steve-O let it slip that the explosion of a big red rocket was almost responsible for Johnny’s demise… Well, Daisy was drunk when she heard it so she didn’t worry all that much.

This was the other reason why she did not visit him. After that weekend in Orlando, Johnny stopped telling her what exactly he would be doing when he was shooting. It was easy for him to hide, given that the distance kept Daisy from seeing any injuries he sustained. He told her over the phone that it was all a surprise for when the movie came out, but that was a few months away. Daisy had no choice but to roll with it, and all she took comfort in was that her life away from him remained stable (ignoring the messy house and lack of sleeping and eating), and the fact that Johnny hadn’t called from the ER… yet.

She was only composed about the red rocket incident because he was exhibiting the same energy. Johnny casually explained how the rocket exploded on the first take, and how one rod missed his ribs by a foot or two and how another flew between the ears of two crew members. He laughed about it a little bit too.

“Thought you’d be mad…” he admitted when Daisy hadn’t spoken much about the topic.

“Well, you didn’t die,” she found herself saying. “And you don’t seem mad about it either, so…”

“No, I’m not mad. I’m just confused. I was fully expecting you to be pissed I didn’t tell you, or scared… because I coulda died. You get that, right? I coulda kicked the bucket.”

Daisy nodded, but she was confused too. Did he want her to cry and yell or something? What was even the appropriate response for something like this? And what did a bucket have to do with it? Johnny was still here, sitting next to her on the old squeaky couch. Crying over a death that didn’t happen was not something normal people do, even if the burning feeling was forming in her throat and making her stomach hurt. Normal people cry over actual death, and Daisy didn’t when her mom’s anniversary passed that year.

(Oh yeah, somewhere in the last year Daisy had diagnosed herself as “not normal.” Why? It felt right for the time being.)

“But you’re not dead,” she said simply. “And you haven’t told me anything you do for the movie anymore, for the surprise or something. If that’s how things are done, then it’s fine.”

Johnny was happy with that and settled into the couch a little more. Then he wordlessly took Daisy’s hand and practically pulled her into his arms in a side hug.

“This is why you’re my best girl.” He kissed her temple and laid his head on her shoulder, giving her a squeeze. When he let go, he bounced on the cushion a little, sinking into the seat a noticeable amount. “Think it’s time to replace this old thing?”

“What, why?” Daisy asked. “I love this couch, I’ve had it forever.”

“Believe me, doll, I noticed.” Johnny bounced again and an ominous creak came from the slats inside. “Hey, c’mon now. What’s that face for?”

The look on Daisy’s face over replacing furniture was why she considered herself “not normal.”

But she kept her mouth shut and begrudgingly picked out a new couch the next time Johnny left to continue shooting this never ending movie. She kept her mouth shut as much as she could, actually.

As the days went on, when Johnny was out bringing bodily harm to himself and his friends in various parts of the city, Daisy’s need to talk had minimized greatly. She spoke at work if she needed to, when she was checking people into the gym, or when she answered phone calls, but it felt like she was putting all of her energy into doing such simple tasks. It almost hurt to talk.

There were times that she was glad Johnny had longer work hours because she wouldn’t know how to explain that without sounding like she didn’t want to talk to him or that she was just plain crazy. Just like she didn’t want to explain why getting rid of the couch, her couch, was so inexplicably painful. Everything about her was crazy.

All her life, Daisy had a feeling that she was just crazy, and that feeling had been getting harder to ignore over the last couple of years. One day she was happily babysitting her cousins’ kids, and the next she found herself growing impatient when Annalise kept rewinding the same scene in Addams Family Values over and over. One day, Daisy was actively avoiding her boss at work, and the next she was earning herself a suspension because she told him straight to his face that his mother should have aborted him. A suspension, because Antonio was still too much of a coward to actually fire anybody.

All of that to say, that was nothing compared to what Johnny had going on. The only difference was that he was actually enjoying himself, and Daisy had seen that enjoyment firsthand. She tried not to let it consume her body with envy or concern. Images of that crowded hotel floor with strangers and pretty girls who put their hands on his body would come rushing forward at the sound of Rihanna playing on the car radio. Daisy couldn’t explain why she felt sick.

It’s not like Johnny didn’t invite her along for the whole ride, promising that he’d take care of everything so she wouldn’t have to worry about bills and bosses and whatnot. He reminded every other phone call that the offer was always open. Did Daisy ever accept? No. Did Johnny offer to fly her out for at least another weekend because “it’s been two weeks, doll, I wanna see your face”? Yeah, every time he calls. Did Daisy ever accept that? No. That was a one time deal. (And she didn’t want to miss Grey’s Anatomy on Thursdays, but that’s beside the point.)

Again, she was glad he didn’t get upset very easily.

But he is observant. It was something Daisy loved about him, that he picked up on these little things about her. It was even better that he just took her oddities as they came, he didn’t try to make her stop or be malicious when commenting on them. Sometimes he mimicked her but it wasn’t anything that made her feel bad. He teased but he didn’t bully.

Oh, we’re dancing now, he’d say, just like he did when they were teenagers. If Daisy was rocking from side to side, she was stressed. Johnny was good at getting her out of that headspace, singing a random Ramones song to rock to. It was always Ramones.

I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart, he’d tell her when she tightly gripped the side of his shirt. They were usually walking down the street in public, where paparazzi would click away and get their shots in. Daisy thought she didn’t mind the attention that much until she was in the car or inside a building and trying to hide her trembling hands.

Your fingers better taste good if you keep eating ‘em like this, he’d say when he saw just how much Daisy bit the skin off from around her nails. Johnny started keeping bandaids in his pocket in case Daisy bit down too far.

This, while being so sweet it made Daisy want to sob, also meant that Johnny knew there was something different about her. That had been scaring the shit out of her since the day she met him. Both times.

“It’s nothin’, doll, it doesn’t even hurt that much,” he reassured when he saw her biting her nails after staring at the dark purple bruises on his hands from a riot control test he had done with Bam and Ryan.

That one, he couldn’t hide. It was one of the last things he had filmed before returning to LA, and the evidence was all on his body for weeks. Daisy would always hope they would heal and magically go away overnight whenever she peeled his shirt off, but Johnny was good at keeping her occupied in those moments. She found herself kissing the little scrapes on his face from falling off a big ass bite, and running her fingers over the faded anaconda bites.

That was all fine, although Daisy was still a little jealous that she didn’t get to meet the snakes with that last one. Johnny didn’t land himself in the hospital this time. He always laughed it off, so Daisy did too.

It wasn’t until that summer, when the movie was supposed to be wrapped, that Daisy realized maybe she shouldn’t have laughed with him. Or encouraged him. Johnny was insisting to keep shooting, he still had a few stunts left in him and he didn’t want to part from his friends just yet. Daisy tried really hard to understand that. The whole gang had spent the last few years apart, and while she didn’t know each of their stories in that time, she knew Johnny’s. She knew he missed them, that he hated most of his short lived acting career, and that he lit up so much more when he was almost dying.

But she missed him too. How odd that she missed him more when he was filming in town rather than thousands of miles away.

“I’m sorry, honey,” he told her over the phone from wherever he was in the city. “But I have weekends off, we’ll have that, okay?”

Yeah, he ended up working weekends too. He missed her birthday that August. Whenever Johnny was gone for a long period of time, he would send yellow roses to either the house or Daisy’s place of work. But not only was it this birthday, but the entire year thus far. Not a single rose in sight. Daisy spent the day alone, watching a cartoon coyote humiliate himself trying to chase something he’ll never have. Daisy was fully occupied, she might have chuckled when the coyote realized too late that he had run over a cliff, but when she wasn’t she found herself resisting the urge to punch herself in the legs. Then she wondered if Johnny would notice the new bruises on her body when he returned.

The filming eventually came to an end, but it wasn’t wrapped. Despite the fact that there was enough footage for a second Jackass Number Two, Johnny kept pushing. But that doesn’t have anything to do with the bad stuff that was yet to come.

~

Ruth stared politely. She did that quite often these days, usually when Daisy said something a little too casually.

“So all that wasn’t the bad part? He broke the promises he made to you. But that’s just a speck compared to everything else.” She chuckled in disbelief. “You were self medicating with drugs and alcohol, and getting in trouble at work, that doesn’t seem bad? You said it yourself, Daisy, you were feeling sick. You wanted to harm yourself. Did you, by the way?”

She did. Daisy always did. But she knew enough about places like these that if you say too much, you’ll get sent away. Daisy knew something was off, but she wasn’t ever going to off herself.

“No, I just held back tears and watched my silly cartoons,” she lied.

Ruth nodded, taking the bait. “Okay. Good. Did anybody call you on your birthday? Did your friend, uh, Wilma call?”

“Willa,” Daisy corrected. “And yes. Some of my family members did too. I told all of them I had plans with my boyfriend, and they believed it.” It was true. He came home very late that night, and birthday sex was had, but Daisy spared those details. She went back to the ‘bad’ part instead. “It’s just that, I know how to deal with him being gone. That’s normal for us.”

“Right,” Ruth nodded, and she began to go over the notes she had taken. “You dealt with it by skipping meals, losing sleep, and numbing your emotions by working - which, by the way, is an environment I’d like to discuss with you if you’re open to it. Not to mention, this isn’t just any movie for him. It’s a movie where the premise is getting gravely injured. The person you love is getting hurt over and over, and there’s also the fact that he could have died. In other words, you weren’t dealing with it, Daisy.”

The girl in question was squeezing the bubble popping fidget toy in her fist. She was convincing herself that it was all okay for months. She put on this show that she was perfectly fine for even longer. That’s what landed her here in this office.

“He really wanted me to go to the premiere,” she spoke after a while.

~

Daisy rarely saw or heard Johnny beg, whether it was pretend or not. She didn’t look at his face often, but she caught a glance of this pleading looking in his eyes and it occurred to her that she wouldn’t even be able to tell if he was joking or not. The thing he was requesting made her stomach sink into her butt.

“It’ll be fun. We get to dress up, we get to see the movie, and then we party to hell and back,” he said in that coaxing tone. “C’mon Daisy-doll, you didn’t get to go to the first one.”

“I didn’t want to go to the first one,” she replied, minding the grip he had on her hand.

“Well, yeah. It was still early in our relationship, but now’s the time for me to show you off.” Johnny smiled.

That wasn’t why she didn’t want to go to the Jackass: The Movie premiere. She didn’t attend because those things were chaotic. Daisy got secondhand anxiety from watching red carpet events on TV, not to mention she barely got accustomed to hearing or seeing a camera flash around her if she was out in public with Johnny. Her only clutch then was literally gripping his waist while walking anywhere and joking that her beauty combined with his was just so powerful and unstoppable. Being at a premiere that revolves around him and his crew… he wouldn’t be there the whole time for her to hold in a soothing death grip.

“It’s your movie, you’re the one who needs to be shown off,” she told him.

He chuckled, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. “Well, I still want you to be there. You haven’t even seen a majority of the movie anyways.”

That was also true. There was a screening for friends and family, but she was stuck babysitting, and there was no way in hell three Hispanic mamas would let their kids go off to something like that. Basically, Daisy wasn’t going to get out of this, because even if she tried to, she wasn’t going to forgive herself.

“It’ll be like the prom we never got to have,” Johnny added. “You get to wear a pretty dress, and we’ll get our pictures taken. We’ll sneak a drink inside, and maybe we’ll get lucky at the end of the night.”

Well now she definitely couldn’t get out of it. But she couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

“There’s a reason I didn’t go to prom,” she reminded him. “Same reason I don’t go to parties or places that are generally loud. Like the store.”

“You’ve gone to plenty of parties with me. And you went to the store yesterday.”

“Yeah, and then I slept for like, five hours after that. That doesn’t seem weird to you?”

The silence that fell between the couple made Daisy’s heart race. She had to make herself clear.

“I’m not saying no, but—“

Johnny cut across her, satisfied with just that half-sentence. “Great! It’s settled. I’ll find you a hair and makeup person, help you get all dolled up for the big day.” He leaned in to cup her cheeks and kiss her forehead before getting up from the couch. “And, there’s no shame in a little liquid courage before the whole shebang, neither.”

But he didn’t hear the rest of what Daisy had to say. She didn’t want to show up to the premiere stumbling and mumbling. She didn’t like going to those parties with him a few years back but she did it because the fear of losing him over such a thing was unbearable. She had a hard time when he was gone being a movie star, but she loved him too much to make a fuss about it. None of this stuff came natural to her, all she did was put on this mask and play pretend. On top of that, Daisy was just tired of drinking to get through the things normal people had no problem getting through. She was tired of drinking period. 

What would her mother say if she could see Daisy now? What did she say to her whenever any hardship came up?

“No seas floja,” Daisy muttered to herself. “No seas chillona. Tu no tienes problemas, solamente quejas y pendejadas.”

She didn’t feel any better. But it made her get off her ass. Natalia’s distant voice was in Daisy’s head that whole month, telling her to simply stop being like that. Stop crying, stop complaining, grow up, don’t be so stupid.

So Daisy went to the premiere stone cold sober, until Johnny offered a swig from his flask when they were in the car. But that wasn’t enough, Daisy decided when they pulled up to the venue. For a fleeting moment she realized how much needed to be in her system before she could feel any semblance of okay. The mix of voices exclaiming outside pulled her out of that budding spiral, along with Johnny taking her hand and leading her out of the vehicle.

She couldn’t tell you what she saw or heard or who she interacted with. All Daisy could think of was just get pictures with him on the carpet. Pictures with him on the carpet. Pictures on the carpet. For some reason, she was holding onto wanting solid proof that she had been here. She certainly didn’t feel present.

Everything felt so loud yet so blurred and dull at the same time. Daisy was half certain she saw Steve-O fully clothed one second and then half naked the next, and she wasn’t sure if that was a dream or not. Besides, the flashes of the camera were so intense that she had to keep her eyes down on the ballet flats she was suddenly grateful to have worn. Her knees felt very shaky, heels would have betrayed her by now.

The one thing that grounded her was Johnny’s voice in her ear before they stepped in front of the cameras. “Just look above them, the lights won’t be as harsh.” It was quick and fleeting, and by the time his arm was around her waist, Daisy was gone again. Her voice, her sight, her hearing. She was just watching herself have an internal meltdown with a smile on her face from afar.

It wasn’t until an assistant escorted her away from the cameras so Johnny could get shots with the guys did Daisy’s flight response kick in. She held this poor young person’s shoulder in an iron grip and choked out that she needed a ride home immediately and to not tell her boyfriend until after she was gone. She needed to be gone. That was all she wanted in that moment, to be away from the noise, to be free from the static in her head. She would run on her own two feet if she had to, far over the cliff where she’d never be seen again.

Daisy still felt very spacey when she was in a cab speeding down the 401. The sounds of air rushing past, the music in the car, and the cab driver trying to make conversation were intruding her eardrums. God if she had a pair of scissors, she would have stabbed them out herself. She was already gripping the ends of her hair, debating just yanking several clumps out and leaving them as a tip. There was a whole lot of hair on her head, she could definitely afford to lose some.

She practically ran up the path in the front yard when she was finally home, the ends of her yellow dress flowing behind her. Finally, she was reaching salvation… and rational thought.

Once she was inside and the door was shut behind her, shameful tears welled up in her eyes as silence rang in her ears. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t be quiet or supportive or normal for one fucking night. No matter how hard she tried to stay and be there for Johnny, it was no use. And for what, exactly? Was Daisy just that selfish? Why couldn’t she do this one thing for him?

All of Daisy’s feelings just spilled out in loud, open mouthed sobs that made herself cringe. She couldn’t silence herself, she couldn’t pull herself together, she couldn’t even breathe. Her knees were going to bruise by how hard she fell onto them, mascara filled tears trailing down her face like a fucking burst dam. It was like Daisy had finally shattered into a million pieces, the emotions just wouldn’t stop no matter how hard she pulled at her hair or punched her legs. She lied on the floor and stared at the ridiculously high ceiling, willing herself to calm down but it just kept going.

The urge to chuck her phone across the room when it eventually rang was intense. Daisy rolled away from her purse, not wanting to get up off the floor. She was worried she might float away. Her hands moved up to her ears, wanting to block out the sound. She just needed it to stop. Just for a little while.

Chapter Text

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Daisy did not answer, tightening the Tinkerbell blanket around herself. She hoped that the shame in her bones would have subsided overnight, so at least she would be able to apologize to Johnny and try to explain. But the more she thought about it, the more Daisy wanted to cry and the more she realized she didn’t know how to explain this. So she remained silent and clenched, waiting for the bomb to go off.

“I’m not mad,” he said, but his voice wasn’t all soft like it usually was when he reassured her. “I just wanna know what happened to you. One of the assistants said you looked like you saw a ghost.”

Ghosts are nowhere near as terrifying as whatever spiral Daisy went down last night. She usually wasn’t reeling for this long either. On a typical day, Daisy was rocking from side to side due to a hangover that radiated her entire being. But this wasn’t typical. Over the last four years, Daisy was rarely unable to tell Johnny what exactly was bothering her, until today.

Well… she still could. There was just a big lump in her throat that would unleash the nastiness she was holding inside. That was shocking, considering how much she exhausted herself from all that sobbing she did the previous night. The way Johnny said her name didn’t help her keep a hold on that aching lump. If anything it just made a few tears begin to leak from her eyes.

“Aww, sweetheart,” Johnny said as he looked down at her. He sat on the couch cushion, while Daisy remained on the floor. He lifted his hand to gently place it on her head, only to decide against it. “Hey, I’m not mad at you. Just worried, just wanna know what’s happening in that little head a’yours.”

Daisy felt her heart shatter when she finally opened her mouth. Her voice wavered as she voiced her failures out loud. She couldn’t get over the noise, externally and internally. She couldn’t keep herself calm for the whole premiere, she couldn’t act normal.

“What do you mean?” Johnny asked. “You were perfectly normal.”

But she didn’t feel that way at all. Daisy thought she could turn off the thing that makes her so fragile and weak, just for one night. She was always good at masking her madness, she couldn’t understand why it was so hard lately.

Johnny didn’t follow that. He was under the impression that Daisy never held anything back, given how often her words got reactions out of people. How she just let her little Daisyisms show no matter where she was. She was always confident and strong, Johnny couldn’t believe that she thought of herself as anything but.

Daisy, on the other hand, couldn’t believe that she was seen as anything but weak. Her inability to handle certain situations was debilitating sometimes. Come to think of it, she had no idea how she did all that partying with him in recent years. She had no idea how she kept a steady job. How she kept up with her family or friends. But if she could handle that, she could handle going to the premiere. Or so she thought.

“If you couldn’t handle it, then why did you do it?” Johnny asked.

“For you,” she replied like it was obvious. “You wanted me there, at the parties, at the premieres, and all those times you didn’t tell me where we were going or who was going to be there. And every time you went to film a movie.”

Johnny stared from where he sat on the couch, Daisy could see it in her peripherals. The silence that spread between them made her start rocking again.

“You didn’t go to most of those things,” he finally told her.

“I know. And I feel horrible about that. I figured I could get over myself and stop being so scared and, and selfish and go to last night’s premiere.” Daisy sniffled, feeling more insane by the minute as she struggled to make him understand.

After a long silence that made Daisy bring her knees to her chest, Johnny decided to reach over and put his hand on her shoulder. Let her know she wasn’t alone, that he wanted to understand. However, the way Daisy visibly tensed and cringed made him remember why he had to be careful about touching her.

“You tried,” he said, settling for sitting next to her on the floor. “You tried and that’s what matters. I just wish you had told me.”

“What would you have done?” she asked, as if she didn’t think about those possibilities a hundred times on the days leading up to the premiere. As if she didn’t feel doubt consume her body as the hair and makeup specialist impatiently sighed when she denied his ideas on how to straighten her wild curls, or which stilettos she should wear. As if she didn’t feel that doubt solidify when she saw the other guys show up to the premiere in regular clothes, probably not even showered. Really, what was supposed to happen here?

“I would have come home with you, that’s what,” Johnny replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You would have left your own premiere?”

Johnny shrugged. “Or maybe I could have gotten you something to drink, help you relax. You needed to relax, right?”

“And if I didn’t want to be drunk at an outing for once?”

“The point is, there were other ways you could have gone about this, especially if you had told me what was goin’ on. You’re my priority, sweetheart, I would have done anything to help you.”

“I’m not your priority.”

Any other time Daisy would have nodded, agreed with him, and sat with him until she felt like being held. But whatever filter she had, whatever wall she put up to make her behave normally was gone. Shattered into a million pieces. Even she was mildly surprised when those words came out, but once they were in the air, she couldn’t take them back nor could she deny them. She wasn’t lying, after all.

“Daisy…” Johnny trailed off, confused. “What are you talkin’ about? You are my priority.”

“You said you were gonna film for six months…” Daisy continued rocking, staring at nothing. “But you’re still shooting, and the movie’s out already. And you missed our anniversary, and my birthday.”

“Daisy–” 

“But it’s not a problem. I always knew you were gonna be busy, I knew that from the start. And I know you love being around your friends and you love doing stunts, and I’m okay with being put off to the side so you can do all that.”

“Well, now that just makes me sound like an asshole.”

“I’m not trying to make you sound like anything.” She couldn’t sugarcoat things on a regular basis, much less now. “I'm just saying what I see, and it’s okay.”

Johnny was shaking his head at every word. “No, no, no. It’s not okay. You think I’ve been neglecting you, right?”

Daisy groaned, tears of frustration prickling the corners of her eyes. “I didn’t say that.”

“So what are you saying? That I shouldn’t continue shooting? That I should quit this movie?” He sounded defensive, almost angry. One thing that was well known this year, is that for some reason, Johnny couldn’t stop shooting. He didn’t want to stop.

“I just said—“ Daisy raised her voice only for it to shake and she quickly stopped herself.

Johnny sighed heavily and shifted so he was facing her. When he spoke again, he was more quiet and gentle, leaning in close. “Hey, I’m sorry. Daisy, I’m sorry. Can I hug you?”

She sniffed and wiped her cheek with her blanket. “No.”

There was a time at the beginning of this relationship where Daisy would cringe and deny his attempts to comfort her. It took a long while for her to warm up to him, to trust that all he wanted to do was make her feel better, make her feel safe. It’s not that that didn’t change, Daisy knew that much. But Johnny didn’t know that, and she knew she had to reassure him, do something to fix this. God it was so hard to do at the moment. Who’s going to reassure her?

“What if we go out of town for a while?” he offered. “We can leave tomorrow, go somewhere nice, just you and me.”

Daisy made a face, absolutely bewildered as to why he would suggest such a thing. “No!”

“Why not? We both need it, we haven’t seen each other all that much lately.”

She tried to be calm, but her voice wavered with frustration. “I don’t like traveling, don’t you know that? I don’t like unfamiliar environments, why do you think we’re having this conversation?”

Johnny pursed his lips, averting his eyes. “Yeah, I know. Anything that changes is like fuckin’ Armageddon to you.”

“I’m sorry–”

But he was fired up again. “So what the hell do we do, then? ‘Cause whatever this is, isn’t cutting it!”

And she gave it right back to him. “I just wanna be left alone!”

Johnny got up off the couch and granted her wish, storming up the stairs. Daisy kept her place on the cushion, letting out a deep sigh.

While it was true that she did want to be alone in order to regain control of her mind, she also couldn’t help but feel that ugly sinking sensation in her stomach. It was that feeling she got when someone saw her as she was without the walls and the mask, and they hated her for it. This was how Daisy lost friends, how her relatives le dieron el ojo. Side glances that indicated they knew something was wrong with her, and it was the most glaring thing in the room. And it was something that was discussed when she wasn’t around.

It took four years for Johnny, her PJ, to see her this way too. It took four years for him to reach his threshold, and it was making Daisy’s heart shatter all over again.

She numbed it, not with alcohol that she consumed at parties, or punching her legs like she did when she hid in the bathroom, but with medical dramas. Earlier in the year, Daisy caught wind of a recent one that starred one of Johnny’s former costars, and well, when Daisy wasn’t stressing about how she presented herself in life, she was thinking about whatever went down at Seattle Grace Hospital.

But the tears returned when Daisy watched the blonde and beautiful Izzie Stevens frantically beg and plead for her true love to stay alive.

“You have to do this for me or I’ll never be able to forgive you!”

“For dying?”

“No! For making me love you!”

Daisy wasn’t one for touch, but watching the blonde being held as she sobbed in her love’s shoulder made her yearn for it. Was it too soon to go upstairs and see if Johnny was still upset? It’s not like he hasn’t held Daisy before. She liked being squeezed in his arms, and other times she let herself lay against his broad form for his comfort. Compromise, or what have you.

She sat there as the episode progressed, telling herself she’d get up during the commercial break to go find Johnny. But the commercials came and went, and Daisy remained rooted to the ground, practically swaddled by her childhood blanket. Crying at these beautiful surgeons' problems could have been alleviating in a way, but watching the love interest die—

~

“He died?” Ruth asked in sudden shock. She retracted almost immediately after the words came out, going back to her calm, professional demeanor. “I’m sorry, I hadn’t caught up, it took me by surprise.”

Daisy stared for a moment, her eyes wide. She had never seen her therapist react in such a way before. The only reason why it didn’t put her off was because it meant that Ruth watched the same show. One of Daisy’s favorite shows.

“I didn’t know you watched Grey’s,” she said, smiling softly.

Ruth offered a grin in return. “Every now and again, I do—“

“Who’s your favorite character? I really love Cristina, but I hate every love interest she has. Ooh, did you know the show creator wanted to do a musical episode in the first season? I wonder if they’ll do that later on, if the show keeps getting picked up, and I really hope it does—“

“Daisy.”

The client pursed her mouth into a line to silence herself. Here she found someone who had a common interest with her, she could finally talk about this with someone. Johnny never got into the cheesy hospital drama, and Willa practically rolled her eyes at it. Daisy was practically vibrating, and now she had to bring every cell in her body down to a normal level.

“Sorry…” she said softly.

“Don’t be, it’s clearly very important to you,” Ruth reassured. “But let’s get back to the main topic, shall we?”

~

As soon as she saw Katherine Heigel laying face first on the bathroom floor, Daisy did the same and tried not to think about the missed opportunity of getting to meet this actress because she had done a movie with Johnny a couple years back. Thinking about one missed opportunity would only make her think of more.

She missed every premiere that Johnny invited her to, although after the previous night, that might not be such a bad thing. She missed out on going to Disneyland with her cousins, and that was frustrating because Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin was right there waiting for her. She missed out on kickboxing competitions, because she only wanted to train, but her old coach would remind her of the potential she was wasting. She also missed prom as a teenager.

The question is, why? Why couldn’t she do it? Everyone else could attend these things - fun or mundane - without any problem. Everyone else could go through day to day life without having the little details eating them alive. Why was Daisy so different? What was wrong with her?

Time didn’t feel like it was flying, nor did it feel like Daisy had fallen asleep until she was urgently shook awake. Sleep was crowding her mind, and she hummed in annoyance at the touch and sudden moves. The first thing she could hear was the medical show theme song playing softly in the background, indicating she had missed the whole episode. She never knew if Izzie got up off the bathroom floor.

“Talk to me, are you okay?” Johnny’s concerned voice was asking. He was holding her upper arms and hovering over her, sitting on his knees.

“Mmm… sleeping,” she yawned.

Johnny sighed as he let her go, and then he was sitting back. “Why are you on the floor again? There’s a perfectly good couch right behind you.”

“It’s not my couch,” she mumbled, turning to lay on her back, her eyes fluttering shut for a few more seconds.

“You’re the one who picked it out,” Johnny told her. “Nevermind that. Are you with me, D? This is important.”

Her body was heavy as she pushed herself into a sitting position. She turned to face Johnny, but didn’t look at him.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” he began. “And I’m sorry for walking off like that. You said you wanted space, and I was trying to give that to you, but I could have been nicer about it.”

Daisy nodded softly. “Okay.” She braced herself for the inevitable breakup speech. He would try to let her down easy, knowing she was already in a fragile state. Say something like we’ll still be friends because people like to say things they don’t mean.

But what came out of his mouth was more surprising.

“I wanna help you, D, I just don’t know how.”

Neither of them explicitly spoke of Daisy’s… well, everything. To her, it felt obvious. Really, really obvious. Everyone could see right through her, and it wasn’t unbearable until recently. She got by in life through working around this dumpster fire that stood in her way. It worked for the last few years, maybe longer. Last night was just the last straw, and it left Daisy wondering what parts of this facade was her and what parts were her creation.

“So you know I’m different,” she muttered, fully intending to go back around to the breakup part, because surely that was going to happen today.

“You say that like it’s such a bad thing,” Johnny replied. “I notice everything about you. You can’t really help it, can you?”

That should have been a breath of fresh air. Knowing that somebody finally understands that aspect should have been a relief. But Daisy only began to tear up again. Why was he still being so sweet if things were about to be over? Why was he spending time on this topic if Daisy wasn’t going to be his problem anymore?

“Alright, we don’t gotta talk about it,” Johnny quickly said at the sight of her leaky eyes. “The point is, now we know that you definitely can’t go to big events like last night’s. That’s all. No harm done.”

She furrowed her brow as she stared at the floor, only because the words were stuck somewhere between her brain and her mouth. There were plenty of things she could have said to make him understand more. To give him the out he probably needed.

“What is it?” Johnny asked, ducking his head down to get a better look at her. “You look like you wanna say something.”

“You’re not breaking up with me?” she asked softly.

“Wha– no.” He was confused. Bewildered, even. “Daisy, I just said I wanna help you. What about that sounds like a breakup?”

Daisy shrugged, feeling even more crazy and stupid for misinterpreting something for the millionth time in her life. “I can’t do the things you want me to do. I can’t follow you around the country, or-or stand in front of flashing cameras. All I do is try to be someone who can be like that, who can be normal, and…” She sighed heavily in defeat. “I’m not…”

“You think I don’t know what I was signing up for when we got together?” was all Johnny could say in response. “You think I got into this because I wanted you to follow me like a little puppy dog?”

Daisy opened her mouth to speak but Johnny kept going.

“It’s like you told me a long time ago, if I wasn’t into this, I wouldn’t be here. Besides, we talk about getting married all the time. What kinda man would I be if I just went back on my word? Hell, I’d marry you tomorrow, but I know you hate last minute plans… and we need to get you a ring.” He offered a smile.

That was a sweet sentiment. It actually stunned Daisy that this was something Johnny actually thought about, that he didn’t just entertain his girlfriend’s strange ways. He was here for it. He might even be here for Daisy’s lack of wanting a wedding. A wedding, not marriage.

“Things are always changing,” she finally said, picking at her nails. “It never stops, I just get scared that you’re gonna change your mind.”

Johnny was watching her hands as he spoke, perking up when he spotted blood on her finger. He scooted forward as he reached into his pocket, pulling out a bandaid. After unwrapping it, he took Daisy’s hand and placed it around the nail of her ring finger.

“Look at that,” he said, still grinning. “I’d pop the question, but I want there to be a ring when I do.”

Daisy could also argue that proposing when she’s knee deep in a crisis wasn’t such a good idea. But Johnny was smiling, dimples and all, so she curled her fingers around his big hand, wanting to enjoy his warmth.

“Now that we’ve covered that,” he went on when the silence stretched long enough, “uh, I dunno if you’re up for it, but I got a copy of Number Two if you wanna see it. You missed it last night.”

Just another thing to add to the pile. Getting to see the movie herself, alongside her love and their friends. Hearing everyone’s reactions to the chaos. Would have been fun.

Violence that reminded her of the cartoons she loved sounded appealing, though. When she wasn’t thinking about the fact that her person was being put through such intense, painful things, it was enjoyable to watch.

“Okay,” she agreed softly.

Johnny’s smile only brightened more. “Now there’s just one condition: we gotta sit on the couch.”

Daisy didn’t say or do anything for a hot second. Then, she was gripping the white cushion behind her and hoisting herself onto it. That was it?

“What are you so scared of the couch for?” Johnny asked with a chuckle.

Daisy opened her mouth to answer but he turned and went up the stairs before she could. All she could do was cross her legs and keep her blanket around her shoulders. Johnny was back in a flash with the DVD and popped it in the player before joining her on the couch.

“You okay to cuddle?” he asked.

It was something he always asked, but Daisy was now overthinking it, and she felt bad saying no. Any normal girl would bend over backwards to get to lie in this man’s arms. Daisy had seen many fans hug him for just a little too long when they were out, even Daisy herself would love to lay in his arms and get that physical reassurance at a time like this. But she was still fragile, and Johnny deemed the emotional moment to be done and over with.

Jackass Number Two proved to be very distracting from whatever inner turmoil was going on. For starters, Daisy’s mindless stampede suggestion was realized at the very beginning and her eyes widened at seeing each of the guys get knocked on their asses.

“See? We’re just like Shakira!” Johnny laughed.

“She didn’t swan dive out a window,” Daisy replied.

Following that, she was not very surprised to discover that her part in The Valentine was cut from the movie. She didn’t get hurt, nor did she say anything worth remembering during that bit.

She spent equal amounts of time giggling, cringing, and gasping at the things that happened throughout the film. Watching Dave endure rectal bleeding from a fire hose, Steve-O get cast out to sea, and Wee Man get shocked from an electric stool was almost hilarious. Daisy actually laughed when Johnny got flipped over by a yak.

“Very cartoony,” she commented.

“I knew you were gonna like that one,” Johnny said as he reached out for her, only to rest his hand on the cushion between them.

Daisy remained on her end of the couch. Slowly but surely, she was coming back to herself. Maybe she just needed to rest and have distractions in order to recharge. The physical distance between them reminded her of the beginning of their relationship, when they were still testing the waters, and when Johnny was extra mindful of the space Daisy needed.

“Did he follow through?” she asked when Bam declared that he would French kiss Johnny for doing the riot control test.

Johnny laughed once again. “Oh, he sure did. I’ll show you later if you’re up for it.”

Daisy was still giggling. She knew she was starting to enjoy herself, because the idea of Frenching her boyfriend (almost fiancé?) later was enticing. She was even starting to believe she might actually be okay. That she wasn’t burnt out or broken.

“You look hot,” she told him when he was struggling with an anaconda.

“Aw, shucks.” He modestly waved her off. “Y’know we could turn off the movie and you could tell me more about that…”

“Nah, I wanna finish it.”

“Alright then.”

That was only because she had completely forgotten about the big red rocket until it was staring her in the face. If she had remembered it sooner, she absolutely would have taken up Johnny’s offer if it meant turning off the movie. Instead, she was reminding herself that this was supposed to be funny. All the guys on screen were laughing and excited for Johnny, who was climbing onto the rocket.

“He’s gonna be annihilated, but I don’t wanna tell him that… you’re gonna be just fine!”

“Ah, Bam always has a way with words,” said the Johnny who was sitting next to Daisy. “He’s been a lot more gentle with me since our tender spit swapping session.” He laughed and nudged her side.

Daisy smiled numbly for half a second, fully captivated by what was happening on screen. You’d think she would have flinched when the rocket went half way up the ramp and blew out from the top, bottom, and sides. You’d think she may have exclaimed something similar to the “what the fuck was that?!” someone uttered on screen. But she just sat there on the couch that wasn’t hers. Numb. Still. Silent.

“He almost died and he’s dancing!”

Of course he is. It’s Johnny, he doesn’t care if he lives or dies. Daisy felt her stomach twist uncomfortably.

“If it had been right here,” he was saying, the camera focused on a large gaping hole in the side of the rocket, “thatta been a picture wrap on ol’ Knoxville.” And he laughed again.

Oh come on. It’s not like Daisy hadn’t seen him get a concussion from a professional boxer, or flip over completely on a golf cart, or get rammed by a bull on a fucking Toro Totter… It’s fine. This is what she signed up for. She didn’t get into this because it was easy.

Wordlessly, she reached across the couch just to touch Johnny’s hand, making sure he was still there, and he moved to meet her halfway. She wasn’t crying over a body like Izzie Stevens did over Denny Duquette. She wasn’t going to cry at all.

However, Daisy did end up on the floor again. Face up, her fingers gripping the shaggy brown carpet underneath her, breathing loud in her ears before realizing it was her own. Her hands and feet were tingling; she was almost convinced that she was the corpse. The ringing in her ears was almost cliché, like in the movies where the screen goes black and then fades into a new scene but the camera’s out of focus.

When did Daisy’s life become a badly written, cheesy drama? What happened to partying and getting drunk with the love of her life? What happened to parties at Steve-O’s garbage dump of an apartment? Or getting pep talks from drunk girls in bar bathrooms? How did it all get like this?

“You’re okay, sweetheart…” His voice sounded muffled over the ringing in her ears.

The first thing she felt that made her come to was that warm hand on her cheek. Then she realized that the light from the chandelier was being blocked by Johnny’s head. He was crouched over her, saying more things about how everything was okay.

His thumb rubbed her temple firmly, wiping tears away. Shit, Daisy did cry. She felt more tears leak out the corners of her eyes and fall down her temples and into her hair.

“Breathe…” Johnny told her, making her notice her short, shaky puffs of air.

There was a song playing in the room, something sounding like it came from a musical. If that wasn’t so odd it was grounding, Daisy didn’t know what was.

When she fully sighed, her head felt a little more clear. Her fingers were aching from clinging to the shaggy brown rug underneath her, feeling stray pieces of fuzz tickling her hands. Her stomach was still twisting in a way that made her feel sick, and her heart was aching like it was going to break into pieces, but she felt aware of her surroundings again. At least she was alive.

Her brown eyes flickered to Johnny’s face, immediately noticing the crease in his brow. The way his eyes scanned her face. His shoulders dropped slightly when Daisy met his gaze for a brief second.

“You okay? You scared the shit outta me,” he told her.

Daisy thought about it, and her voice wavered as she asked, “What did I do?”

“You…” Johnny paused, staring at her for a second. “You said you needed to lay down, and then you were whispering something, then you were cryin’… Daisy, I - are you okay?”

This wasn’t the first time Daisy had to lie on the floor, cry, and zone out. Moments like these usually happened after parties, surprises, or loud noises. Given that she was still recovering from the night before, Daisy was extra sensitive. 

“Are you sure you don’t wanna dump me?” she asked.

“Why do you keep bringing that up?” Johnny replied, now upset. “Do you want this to be over?”

She couldn’t keep up with matching his energy, and her voice remained soft. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, so I’m giving you an out… You don’t wanna stay and see me try to put it all back together.”

Now Johnny placed both of his hands on her cheeks, and his eyes burned into her face. His voice went from gentle to firm so quick that Daisy flinched minutely.

“That’s not your fuckin’ choice to make. If you wanna end things, then say that.” He paused, sighed softly, and then brought the volume of his voice down. “I just wanna fix this. How do we fix this?”

Typically, Daisy’s brain just took whatever words Johnny said at face value, sometimes she took things too literally. She almost started to believe she was confident and secure, until the previous night and the last hour came crashing down. She made herself look a certain way to Johnny, Willa, and nearly everyone else in her life. Daisy was soft spoken, but sure of herself.

Was all that part of the mask she had crafted throughout her life? Was she not as confident as she made herself out to be?

“I’m having a hard time, uh…” she said to the ceiling, quickly realizing she didn’t know how to finish that sentence. “I’m having a hard time.”

“Okay, we’ll get you through it,” Johnny reassured. “We’ll get you some help. You just gotta be next to me as you figure it all out… got it?”

“But I’m below you right now…”

Johnny’s entire body practically relaxed next to Daisy’s as he breathed out a soft laugh. Then he moved to lay on his back, creating space between them.

“I meant, be next to me in life… but this works too.”

~

“And that’s how I ended up here,” Daisy concluded. “He suggested I see a professional, because he noticed how uh, sad I had been getting.”

“You think you’re sad?” Ruth asked her gently.

“I am sad. I still don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Sad felt like an understatement.

Ruth silently looked over her notes. Then, “How long was it between learning about the rocket and seeing the stunt itself?”

Daisy furrowed her brow, mildly confused by the question. “A few months. Why?”

“So when you and Johnny sat down and talked about it, about how he almost died and kept it from you… you weren’t upset or scared…?”

“No. I mean… he talked about it like it was nothing, so I just returned that energy.”

“But it didn’t reflect how you really feel.”

Daisy considered those words for a moment, playing with the ends of her t-shirt that was actually her boyfriend’s. “I don’t think I know how to feel about anything. I don’t know what is the correct response to a lot of things in life.”

“So because of this, you just… mirror those around you?” Ruth guessed.

“I guess so… I mean, I laugh when other people laugh at jokes even if I don’t get them. I tried not to worry about the rocket incident because PJ didn’t worry about it.” Daisy paused. “I just thought that’s what I was supposed to do.”

“You can react however you want. Honestly, the meltdowns you had during that time seem justified. You were worried about your boyfriend, any decent partner would be the same. You just didn’t want him worrying about you.”

That was painfully accurate. Daisy felt like she had nothing to be so upset about. Anything that seemed upsetting was usually temporary, therefore any negative emotion was just illogical. Knowing this, however, did not deter any meltdown. It didn’t soothe the sting in her throat. It didn’t make her any happier.

“Well,” Ruth said in conclusion. “I’ve been sitting on it, and I think this sadness - depression, even - is situational.”

Daisy tilted her head. “Situational, how?”

“The one thing I noticed throughout these sessions is that you’re very aware of your… quirks. Uh, Daisyisms, if I recall? You don’t know the reason behind all that.” Ruth shifted in her seat, leaning forward towards her client. “I’m not saying that finding that reason will cure the depression, but it may help. Proper diagnosis tends to help and offer relief in some cases.”

Yeah. Daisy had to agree with that. Having an explanation from a professional would definitely help. Having a professional confirm that she wasn’t crazy, that there was absolutely a reason behind these behaviors was already soothing.

“And,” Ruth went on, “I do have other possible solutions to alleviate this sadness as well.”

“Okay, like what?“

“You need to call PJ. Tell him to come home. The way you’ve spoken of him and the things he’s done for you tells me that he really does care about you. I don’t think pushing him away will do any good.”

When Daisy said nothing in response, Ruth continued once more.

“I would like to know before we close, how did you two get to where you are now? It’s like you told me, he was ready to tie the - I mean, get married. Why did you tell him to leave?”

Daisy tried to store away the fact that she had homework, and all too casually answered the question.

“It was probably the concussion.”

Chapter Text

Being at the gym and being at home felt like being on two different planets, and that often made Daisy remember how she felt like an alien stuck on Earth when she was a kid. Granted, she still felt that way sometimes, but as a kid she would tell herself I need to get home like it was a game, and that was the only time she understood how other kids “played pretend.” It took a little bit of growing up to realize that Daisy had no idea what her “home planet” was, until she was in her 20s and moving into an apartment after Natalia nagged her to be a “real adult.”

That little Rosemead apartment only felt like home because Daisy made it that way. She had to do it herself. There wasn’t just a place already made and ready for her to take shelter in.

The gym would have felt similar to a home if it wasn’t for that Antonio thing. Sure, Daisy didn’t see him often these days, especially after returning from her suspension. However she took comfort in the fact that things at the gym had been the same over the last few years. She worked her shift, answered phones, scheduled appointments with personal trainers, and she got that free membership.

Daisy still went to work despite her breakdown over the weekend, much to Johnny’s disdain. He told her that she should take it easy, that if being surrounded by people at the premiere wore her out, work might not be such a good idea. Daisy only wanted to return to her usual routine, so she went anyway and tried to begin her work week. She needed that little ounce of normalcy to calm her ailing head.

One customer made a complaint, Daisy learned the next day. Some lady said that “that receptionist looks like she hates her job” and “she hardly looked at me and barely said a word when she signed me in.” It’s not like Daisy got written up for that, and it’s not like that hasn’t happened before. But it didn’t help the funk she was in; She still couldn’t act normal.

Daisy’s last attempt to make it a normal week was to gear up and punch some bags with Willa at her side. It went well at first. She hadn’t told Willa about her inner turmoil just yet - it felt more like a Girls Day topic of conversation, accompanied by a trashy movie and cheap wine. That’s not to say Willa hadn’t noticed the dip in her friend’s general presence.

“Cuéntame, amiga. ¿Qué has hecho?”

“Al rato te digo.” Daisy sighed as she focused her sights on the black punching bag hanging before her.

Willa’s green eyes were on her friend for a lingering second before she went to stand behind the bag and hold it. She lurched when Daisy started going at it, a telltale sign that there were things lurking in the background. Things were silent between the two of them, until Antonio joined the picture with a twenty-something girl at his side. It wouldn’t be the first time he brought in a young, eager looking thing to “train” at the gym, but it was the first time he requested this.

“Oye, can one of you guys get in the ring with Diana over here?” he asked, gesturing to the girl in a blue sports bra and shorts. “She’s new, I wanna see if she qualifies for one-on-one training.”

Willa turned to him, brow furrowed. “I thought you just sign them–”

Antonio cut across her. “New rule, I decided. So, which one of you wants to go up against her?”

“I will,” Daisy suddenly said. Honestly, she just wanted Antonio to stop talking. The sound of that nasally voice made her want to pull her hair out lately. On top of that, it had been a while since Daisy last got in the ring. All she did lately was stick to the workout machines or the punching bag.

“I don’t wanna fight a grandma,” said Diana as she folded her arms.

Daisy blinked. “I don’t wanna fight a fetus but here we are.”

Antonio was nodding and grinning wickedly. “This is gonna be good.”

The two D’s made their way into the ring and into their own corners. Antonio and Willa stood on the outlines, the latter more worried than anyone else in the room. When Willa started to worry, that was usually a bad sign.

“I don’t like the vibe.”

“I don’t like you,” Antonio said back. “It’ll be fine. Daisy’s been off lately, and Diana has daddy issues. They both need to let off some steam.”

“What happened to not bringing personal shit into the ring?”

“It’s fine, Willa. Lighten up.” Antonio then addressed the two girls. “Alright, ladies, I want a clean fight.”

“That’ll be easy,” Diana said. “Grandma over here doesn’t even look like she can swing.”

Daisy narrowed her eyes. She was going to destroy this little girl.

The bell went off, and the yellow and blue gloves went up. Diana dodged a right hook and kneed Daisy in her side. It was hard enough to make her sway, and that was the perfect position for Diana to clock her square in the face. Next thing Daisy knew, she was on the floor.

…on the floor.

Why was she on the floor? Was she crying? Why was it wet under her eye and nose?

“What’s your name?” asked a nasally male voice.

“No me grites…” Daisy mumbled, her body heavy. When did she fall asleep? When did she decide to drink blood and eat rubber?

She hummed loudly when she felt something dabbing at her nose, even more urgently when something reached into her mouth and pulled out the plastic guard. A part of her wanted to flinch away, and her hand went up to swipe away at whatever was touching her but it was gone by the time she reached her own face. Her hand wasn’t her own hand either, it was big and yellow, and it took a moment for her to realize it was a boxing glove.

“Déjame…” she muttered weakly as a pair of hands tried removing the gloves.

“Are you in a lot of pain?” asked another voice. Female, unfamiliar.

“No me grites…”

“Nadie está gritando. ¿Cómo te sientes?”

Daisy blinked slowly, realizing she was staring at the boxing ring. Her legs were splayed out in front of her, and there were three people within close proximity. The person yelling was Antonio, crouched down and staring at her with wide eyes. Someways behind him was the young girl in blue, stifling a laugh. The person next to Anotonio was an EMT, and that lady was trying to clean off whatever was on Daisy’s face.

She tried to move away, because the smell of the latex was downright disgusting. Daisy scrunched her nose only to feel a sting on the bridge that made her hum. She was still feeling unusually slow, and someone was behind her, rubbing her arm and saying something. It sounded like Willa.

The EMT was holding Daisy’s face still, rubbing that awful smelling latex covered fingers around her jaw. Daisy could only protest by continuing her humming. Several more voices came about in response, and that didn’t stop Daisy from making more incoherent sounds. For some reason, the words don’t touch me were harder to say.

“Can you tell me your name?” the EMT asked.

“Daisy…” she slurred.

“Do you know where you are, Daisy?”

“Hell…” Stop touching me. For the love of fuck’s sake, stop touching me.

“We need to take her in and get her tested some more,” the EMT said to whoever was behind Daisy.

Maybe that was a bad time to make a joke. Maybe Daisy should have given the real answer… ay mierda, ¿donde estamos?

“¿Oíste?” said Willa’s voice from behind her. She was holding Daisy in a sitting position, supporting her lower back.

Daisy hummed, and it sounded like a very annoyed nooooo… She wished she could get up and move.

“Todo será bien. I’ll call PJ, just let them help you,” Willa, the only person with a brain, responded.

What choice was there, really? Daisy felt wobbly and half asleep. Despite that, she wished she blacked out again when it came to moving onto a gurney. Daisy tried to clumsily scramble onto it herself, but at least three hands went on her back and waist to help. She mumbled messy “stop”s and “no”s but that didn’t make anyone leave her alone.

Not only were there two added EMTs in the ambulance, but the lights inside the vehicle were harsh and the siren wailing outside could be heard as well. Daisy was still struggling with her words, so all she did was hum to block out all the input. The more time that passed in that vehicle, the more Daisy recovered her strength, and her ability to uncomfortably fidget in the gurney came back.

It was inconvenient for the EMTs. One of them needed her arm to insert an IV, and told her to stay still. Another needed to hear what dispatch was saying on the radio and told her to quiet down. The last one just couldn’t take it and forcibly grabbed Daisy’s floppy wrists and held them down while the other two put restraints on her. She was half certain she screamed; Her nose, head, and jaw hurt and no one was leaving her alone. The only relief she felt was when a sudden wave of sleepiness hit her harder than the twenty-something who clocked her in the face.

~

There were tears in her eyes as she recalled that memory. Granted, it wasn’t that long ago, but all Daisy felt was shame. Out of all the emotions she had been unpacking with Ruth, shame was a big one.

“I see how awful that was for you,” she told her client. “Your space was invaded over and over. You would think that these people would try to ask or let you know when they were going to do something. They’re trained for bedside manner as well, and what did they have to show for it?”

Daisy nodded, the validation making her even more emotional. Although, she felt for the EMTs too. Daisy was supposed to be kind and attentive when she worked her own job and all of that went down the drain. But being a gym receptionist was nothing compared to what any medical professional went through. She reached forward and grabbed a tissue from the box on the table before continuing.

~

The mix of haziness and anxiety was a strange sensation to take in when Daisy woke up again. Her eyes were so heavy that she could have fallen back asleep, but the tightness surging in her chest along with the rapid rhythmic beeping in her ears made that impossible. Her fingers dug into the soft sheets under her, and she scrunched her nose only to brutally remember it was injured. She could barely take in the rest of her surroundings when she heard a female voice. Again, unfamiliar. What happened to the EMTs that knocked her out?

“Hi, sweetie. Sleep well?”

Why are you so loud?

She shrugged and blinked several times. The fluorescent lights above her were unbelievably harsh, it didn’t help the ache in her head. The random tug on her wrist when she tried to move her hand was a surprise too; she was still restrained.

“Do you know what happened to you?” the voice asked gently.

“I got hit,” Daisy replied, even softer. Squinting, she could make out a short, older woman in blue scrubs standing at the foot of the bed.

Behind her, there were other people walking around, other beds spread out, some of them filled by the sick and injured. Oh, she’s in the ER. Alone. The beeping increased in speed.

“Well, you’re not wrong.” The nurse chuckled. “How are you feeling? Any pain?”

“Head…” she mumbled. “The lights feel bad.”

“Oh, that’s a normal sign of a concussion. We’ve given you some painkillers, so it’ll wear off soon. What’s your name again?”

“Daisy…” 

“Nice to meet ya, Daisy! I’m Michelle! Let me just—“ The nurse approached her and leaned in, touching the bridge of Daisy’s nose with her gloved hand.

The smell of the latex made her gag.

“You okay, sweetie? The painkillers shouldn’t cause nausea,” Michelle told her.

Daisy stayed quiet, scrunching her nose in distaste despite how much it hurt.

“Don’t do that, you’ll disturb your wound.”

Her swollen, bruised nose wasn’t the problem. Daisy wiggled her toes, unable to speak. A tiny, helpless hum was all that came out of her, but Michelle didn’t catch it.

“Sweetie, relax.”

How could she relax with that incessant beeping and those ugly lights? How could she relax when she was here without her people at her side? Where was Willa? What about Johnny? Did he even know what happened yet? Daisy moved to flap her hands but the restraints didn’t give her much room to lift them up.

“Take a deep breath,” the nurse said as she placed a hand on her shoulder. “You’re okay, I'm just trying to help you.”

See, Daisy knew this. She knew these procedures and protocols were necessary. It didn’t stop her brain from going haywire, and she kept wincing and flinching everytime this lady tried to touch her. Would it be wrong of her to ask for another round of sedation?

It didn’t take very long for Michelle to grow impatient with Daisy, and so she left and came back with another woman in blue scrubs. What was the name? Debra? They spoke to each other like Daisy wasn’t in the room, that she was being uncooperative, refusing to speak, and posing a risk on the ambulance ride. What were they to do with her? Not to mention her heart rate was skyrocketing, but her EKG was clear.

“Probably just the concussion,” Debra said as she looked through some papers on a clipboard. “Yeah, see? Grade three, she was unconscious. Just needs some time to get her surroundings.” Then she looked at Daisy and spoke in a loud, slow tone, “do you know where you are?”

“Stop yelling at me,” she finally mumbled.

“Are you willing to cooperate? We’re just trying to get you examined and then we can discharge you.”

“Stop yelling…”

Next thing she knew, Daisy was getting an oxygen mask placed over her mouth. The beeping only got quicker and that agitated her more, and she still couldn’t voice that coherently.

“Sweetie, if you didn’t want help, you shouldn’t have gotten yourself hurt,” Debra firmly said.

What, like Daisy had a say in the matter? She was just doing her job. And she knew these nurses had to do theirs, and it would be very helpful if Daisy could fucking talk and explain her deal with strangers putting their hands on her, much less the insane environment, but even then she didn’t know how to go about that.

She knew the staff was upset with her, she knew. The two nurses were giving her the same frustrated looks her mother did when Daisy got like this. It was just another confirmation that Daisy couldn’t control this behavior, and now she was alone in a hospital bed because of it.

~

“You felt helpless,” Ruth confirmed. “Ashamed and helpless.”

Bringing that to light made Daisy feel like her heart was falling out of her chest. She was starting to rethink her independence. Was it because she was secure of herself, or was it just hypervigilance due to feeling like an outcast her whole life?

“I never thought of myself that way,” she said, staring at the crumpled tissue in her hand. “I mean, I guess I’ve always felt ashamed, I just didn’t have a name for it.”

“Were you alone at the hospital for your entire stay?”

Daisy shook her head.

~

“What the hell happened?” asked Willa when she had finally arrived to the ER. She glared at the nurses upon seeing the state her friend was in, and she did not hold back one bit. “What, did she try to stab someone?”

“She was resisting while in the ambulance,” Michelle told her. “It’s for her own safety.”

“Resisting? Is she a criminal or something?” Willa shot back. “She just had a cut and concussion, what is all this?”

“Ma’am, who even are you? We called Mrs. uh…” Michelle glanced down at the woman in the bed once before continuing. “We called the patient’s husband—“

“So did I. And I’m her close friend. Daisy, tell them.”

Daisy nodded rapidly, and thankfully that was enough for the nurses. However, she couldn’t consent to her medical information being shared with Willa, because that apparently needed to be said out loud. Willa whispered in Spanish that this was the worst time for her to lose her voice. As if Daisy didn’t know that.

Willa was shaking her head once the nurses left. The first one, Michelle, notified them that she would return with the doctor to do a neuro exam on her, and that only made Daisy nervous. Willa, on the other hand, took casual steps back and forth at Daisy’s bedside.

“Since when are you his wife?” she asked, only to remember. “Oh yeah, no talking. It’s fine, really, I just didn’t know if-slash-when you guys got married.”

They hadn’t. It was just much easier to say “husband” or “wife” in these situations. Most of these situations revolved around the not-husband, though it had been a while since either of them had come through here. She shook her head and hoped Willa would understand.

“You’re… not married?” she guessed, and Daisy nodded. “Do you want to be?”

She nodded. Marriage? Yes. Being together forever? Absolutely. A wedding? That’s another thing.

Willa smiled and squatted down next to the bed, watching her friend. “Has he proposed?”

Daisy shook her head, and she noticed the rapid beeping slow down slightly, probably because she was thinking about something other than the situation at hand. It was still screaming in her ears, though. The only thing that was going to calm her was getting out of this place, but she couldn’t get out of this place until she calmed down and answered the nurse’s questions. This was annoying. And frustrating.

Another stressful half hour passed before Johnny arrived. Daisy saw him across the ER, speed walking with a purpose towards her bed. Willa swiftly stepped out of the way to give him space, excusing herself to the waiting room. That was the same time Michelle the nurse came back to check on the patient.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Johnny said to his girl, bending down to place his hand on her cheek. “What happened to ya?”

Daisy held his wrist like a lifeline, her eyes closing as she finally felt that first smidge of comfort, sinking into it like it was her purpose. She still couldn’t say much, her toes only wiggled to cope with the big emotions in her chest. The rapid beeping in the air got faster for only a minute before it finally started to slow down, and she sighed out like she had been holding her breath underwater.

“Huh…” said Michelle in thought as she studied one of the monitors hooked up to Daisy. “Well, now we know what relaxes you…”

Johnny looked up at her. “How is she, what’s the verdict?”

Michelle explained the grade 3 concussion, the bruised nose, the disastrous ambulance ride, the sedation, and the lack of cooperation from the patient. Johnny glanced down at Daisy every so often, mostly when he tried to take his hand away only for it to be held in place. She didn’t want him to let go.

“Well, she doesn’t like bein’ touched,” he told Michelle after she had told him everything. “Anyone mention that? She gets real quiet when she’s overwhelmed too, it’s hard for her to talk sometimes.”

“That’s not a medical reason for her to refuse help,” the nurse replied calmly. “I understand these things can be uncomfortable but we still need to treat her. Is this behavior normal for her?”

“Yes ma’am, as normal as ever. She’s just sensitive, is all,” Johnny explained. “Anyone think to give her a heads up before you put your hands on her?”

Michelle suddenly hesitated. “No, sir. I will remember that for next time. I will go get the doctor now.”

As soon as she was gone, Johnny looked down at Daisy. He gently rubbed her cheek with his thumb, shaking his head slightly.

“The roles are reversed here, doll.” He chuckled softly. “Usually I’m the one concussed in a hospital bed.”

She knew this. But also, this was bound to happen eventually. Daisy frequently participated in a dangerous sport, to say something like this would never happen would be unrealistic. That didn’t make this situation any easier; Daisy hated hospitals, through and through. Her time here today only reaffirmed that.

“Went down swinging, huh?” Johnny said, looking down at the restraints. “Did you at least win?”

Daisy shook her head. She couldn’t remember much of the fight with the new girl, let alone tell him about it. The only thing she was certain of was that she got knocked down. Getting back up was making her hesitate. No wonder she spent so much time on the floor.

“You’ll be okay, Daisy-doll. Speaking as someone who’s been in your position, one concussion is nothin’.” He offered a smile.

That was so easy for him to say. Johnny thrived off of things like this, even if he was miserable when he was the one in recovery.

Daisy blinked hard once, ducking her head down again.

“You in a lot of pain?” Johnny asked.

She shook her head softly. She opened her mouth to utter the word, but then resorted to pointing up to the ceiling.

“Huh?” He turned his head up, confused for a second. “Oh. Same lights they got at the grocery store. This is just hell for you, isn’t it?”

See, if he was there when Daisy was first hit, he would have known that she wasn’t worse off. Maybe she wouldn’t have even needed to visit the ER.

Johnny hummed in thought, then he reached for his sunglasses hanging on his shirt. “These are prescription, so it’ll be hard to see, but there’s no harm in trying.” He moved the curly strands of hair from Daisy’s face and slid his glasses onto her nose, just below the cut so it wouldn’t hurt.

Daisy looked through the dark lenses, and it was different. Very different.

“Oh my god,” she finally muttered.

“What, what’s wrong?”

She blinked once, twice. “I think I need glasses.”

That wasn’t part of the concussion. Daisy ended up getting prescription reading glasses some time after she had recovered, but that’s beside the point.

Her mind was hazy for days. Her head was plagued with migraines that made her vomit. The room spun if she turned her head too quickly. She walked ever so carefully up and down the stairs, afraid she would accidentally slip and hit her head. Sounds were louder, touch was more skin crawling. Having a loud, affectionate boyfriend was suddenly different.

Most people recovered after a week or so, according to Johnny. He wasn’t worried or offended at Daisy brushing him off, he just reassured that it would all wear off soon. He let her binge Animaniacs to her little heart’s content. Sat with her when she inexplicably cried on the couch. Reminded her that she would get through it, because Daisy’s tough as nails.

“I know you’ve taken a lot of hits lately,” he told her after the thousandth moment of silence on the unfamiliar couch. “But this is nothin’, you just gotta get back up.”

Daisy said nothing, reflecting how she felt. Her need to speak was incredibly low as of late, and she couldn’t understand why Johnny was so cool about it. Maybe it was because he could talk enough for the both of them, fill the gaping silences in her sad little life. However, it wasn’t until Daisy was curling into herself at the sound of his voice did Johnny finally quiet down.

“Should I leave you alone?”

Daisy nodded softly, and Johnny listened. As much as he talked, he always listened too.

They both thought the premiere meltdown was bad, but neither said it out loud. Daisy worried that this was how she would always feel, that the punch in the face permanently altered her brain. She couldn’t see herself coming out of this after a month, two months had passed. Twinkling lights eventually decorated the house for the holidays, she was surrounded by festivity and joy, Johnny’s attempts to reawaken the light in the woman he loved so much.

Daisy had no problem with staying at the house with all the lights sans the holiday ones off in order to properly rest and recover, that was easy. Rotting on the couch was a new hobby, mindlessly listening to chaotic cartoon sounds playing on the TV and crying when the coyote failed to capture what he so desired.

Her relatives were calling less and less these days, especially when Daisy told Lucia that she couldn’t babysit anytime soon. Daisy certainly didn’t tell any of them what had happened, she wouldn’t even know where to start. She didn’t want to show this side of herself to the nieces and nephew, they were far too young to see this kind of gloom.

On top of that, the idea of going back to work with soup for brains was a new kind of unbearable, and given that Johnny could afford to work enough for the both of them, Daisy had taken a leave of absence from the gym. She had plenty of PTO to spare, and her injury happened on the clock. If there was any time to take a break, it was now.

Johnny even skipped Thanksgiving with her that November (which was also Natalia’s birthday month, so it was difficult regardless.) Daisy’s nose injury had resulted in these ugly purple circles forming under her eyes, as well as a scar on the bridge of her nose. She easily could have covered it all up with makeup, but after testing that out, Daisy learned that makeup on her face made her want to peel her skin off with a knife. That Thursday in November was a party of two that included tequila and tacos, followed by Johnny reassuring Daisy of her beauty as he took her in the bedroom.

That Christmas wasn’t too different, except instead of tacos, it was tamales. And they didn’t fuck that night, either. Johnny bought Daisy box sets of Grey’s Anatomy to help her pass the time, and he entertained her new TV taste solely because she had a ‘booboo brain.’

“How can you watch this if you hate hospitals so much?” he asked. It was the first question he asked her about this particular interest. 

“I dunno,” Daisy replied, laying on the couch with her legs draped across his lap. She could speak again, but she didn’t have the energy to sound present. She didn’t have the energy to dump her love of this show on him either, so she simply went with, “I don’t think I have a say in the things I like.”

They were both huddled under a king size comforter, not enjoying how chilly the house gets at this time of year. Daisy had been feeling a smidge better, despite her lethargy and vertigo. She liked that Johnny decided to keep working within the city, despite the fact that his work days left him with really nasty bruises on his inner thighs. He was home at a reasonable time though, even if having him home everyday felt strange.

Johnny was quiet for a second before turning to look at her. “What does that mean?”

“I dunno.”

“Okay, Booboo Brain,” he said, patting her legs affectionately. Then he leaned forward to grab the remote and pause the show. “How ya feelin’, bub? Got something I wanna talk to you about.”

Daisy picked her head up off the couch pillow, minding the heaviness she felt. “What’s up?”

Johnny continued mindlessly running a hand up and down her calf, watching as he moved. “You’re due to go back to work soon, right?”

She nodded softly, although that was something she wanted to talk about too. She just couldn’t put her words together.

“Working is one thing, you’re just sitting at a desk all day, right?” he asked, but didn’t wait for an answer. “I just don’t know how I feel about you going back into the ring.”

Daisy laid her head back down and stared at the TV, at Meredith Grey’s tear-stricken face. Her silence only made Johnny talk more.

“I can’t say I’ve ever been on this side of things, seeing someone I love get hurt on that level. I don’t like it. Don’t like it one bit.” He gently squeezed her leg and then looked at her side profile. “I don’t want you kickboxing anymore. I don’t wanna see you get hurt like that again.”

Words you wouldn’t expect to hear from someone like him. Any Jackass fan on the street would shit their pants if they heard Johnny Knoxville say these words in public. Even Daisy was having a hard time wrapping her head around it, but that was nothing new as of late. In some ways, it was relieving to hear him make this request. In other ways, it made her tilt her head in confusion.

“Aren’t you the one who gets back up when you get knocked down?” she asked as she shifted to lay on her back, trying to remember how that Roger Alan Wade song went.

“I know, I know. But this ain’t about me,” he told her. “Look, I try not to ask too much of you. Especially after what happened at the premiere. But I really think you should quit kickboxing.”

It was strange to see him, hear him ask this of her. Johnny would constantly watch his friends maim themselves and laugh his ass off. He would be at a bar and do a shot followed by squeezing a lemon in his eye. He spent the last two weeks running into street signs over and over because he’d rather do that than go home and rest.

“I’m not saying I disagree with you,” Daisy finally said, “but I... I thought you would want me to keep pursuing this thing.” 

“I know, where do I get off telling you to play it safe, right?” Johnny chuckled dryly. “Just leave the blunt force trauma to me.”

“That’s not funny…” Daisy sighed. Then, “I’ll just quit my job too.”

Now Johnny was shifting in his seat, thrown off by that notion. “Seriously? I wasn’t gonna ask you to do that.”

“What happened to thinking I was strong and badass?” Daisy suddenly felt red hot anger coursing in her veins like never before. She sat up, squeezing her eyes shut as the room spun.

“Daisy-doll–”

“And what happened to telling me that I’d get through all this? When does that happen?” She felt every fiber in her body descending into madness with every passing second. “I thought you believed in me.”

“I do believe in you,” Johnny softly agreed. “I do believe you’re strong and badass, don’t get it twisted. I just don’t like seein’ you like this, all battered and bruised. I wasn’t gonna say you should stop working.”

For some reason that frustrated her more. “Why not? You always say you wanna take care of everything, that you wanna take care of me. You’ve been wanting me to take time off work all year long so I could be with you while you were doing your movie.”

“Well that was before you hit your head.”

“I didn’t hit my head, I was fucking punched!” Daisy raised her voice, out of control.

Johnny sighed, which made Daisy brace herself for some very loud words. But Johnny was soft spoken, almost like he was pleading. “This is what I mean, you never talk to me like that. You’ve never been this low, ever. Where’s my Daisy, the girl who would dance in the kitchen? What happened to the happy girl who’d flap her hands whenever I came home? I know she’s gotta be in there somewhere.”

Daisy feared it was too late to save that girl. She had no idea if the girl Johnny was talking about even existed anymore, if at all. It turned her fiery rage into a cold, numbing sadness.

“I don’t think I was ever happy.” Her voice mirrored Johnny’s, soft but a little more broken.

“That’s not true—“ He tried to reach for her hand but decided against it, remembering how sensitive she gets in these moments.

“No, my brain is fucked. My boss brought his twenty year old fling and had her knock me on my ass and now the world is upside down…”

Johnny was now looking down at his lap, and nodding every so often, just letting her vent.

Then Daisy let out her own annoyed chuckle. Tears were forming in her eyes. “Actually my brain was fucked before the concussion. I’m not normal, I’m so stupid.”

“Alright, sweetheart, that’s enough,” he said softly as he reached out to her again.

But Daisy would not meet his touch. Her voice wavered as she started to ramble. “I think, I think my mom knew that, and that’s why she told me how hard it was to raise me alone. A-A-And my dad knew it too, because he was gone before I ever went to kindergarten.”

“Stop, you don’t need to think about that… Don’t–”

His hands were around her wrists before she even realized she was hitting her own thighs. Daisy thrashed away from him, getting to her feet and letting her voice take control as angry tears fell down her face.

“No, no!” Daisy sobbed as Johnny tried to hold her again. “Stop fixing me, stop it!”

She collapsed into his chest, whether it was from her spinning head or the sadness aching her very bones, it didn’t matter. Her heavy tears stained his t-shirt, and she cried as loud as a child having a tantrum. Daisy felt childish in this position, but had no intention to push Johnny away again. Her shaky body was squeezed in his arms, and he held her as she cried for the thousandth time.

“I just wanna help you,” he reassured, keeping a tight hold if not to prevent her from hurting herself again. “Just tell me how to help you.”

“Just leave me alone…” Daisy wept. “Leave me alone, I wanna be alone…”

~

Daisy wasn’t proud of that one, although it made sense to her at the time. Her wailing and begging to be alone was the thing that got Johnny to switch his sweet demeanor for one of what Daisy could now see was hurt. He asked her questions, too many at once that only made Daisy reiterate her demand. It spawned into an argument that made Johnny pack a bag and leave, because he asked what the fuck do I do then?, to which Daisy told him I need some fucking space in a very un-Daisylike manner . Meaning, he wasn’t the thing she needed to heal, and that probably upset him.

“That’s why I’ve been hesitating to call him,” she admitted. “He might still be mad at me for that.”

“Well, how can you be so sure if you won’t call?” Ruth replied. She let her sit on that for a moment before backtracking. “You don’t want to ask for help because you’re afraid he’s gone for good.”

She nodded. “My mom made me feel like a burden and my dad made me feel alone. And that’s why my boyfriend, who is not my husband, is staying with his friend. And that’s why the only conversations I have lately are with my therapist, because I need to fix this myself.”

“Was he gone by the time you started these sessions?”

“He told me to let him know when I found a professional to talk to. So I did, and he didn’t answer.” Daisy paused, remembering the mail left on the counter and the leftovers in the fridge. “He’s been back to the house a few times, I think it’s either when I’m asleep or in the shower… we somehow always miss each other. Or maybe he’s avoiding me, I dunno.”

“So he’s not permanently gone, he’s just respecting your wishes.”

Daisy nodded softly, her heart aching.

“And, let me make sure I heard this right: you were punching your thighs again?”

Daisy nodded again, much more timid. “I was just overwhelmed, I think.”

Ruth wrote it down and moved on to close the session. “Well, your homework is the same as last time: call him. Talk to him. And maybe talk to other people in your life as well. Willa, or Lucia. You can only isolate yourself for so long before it gets to you.”

Daisy sat with that when she left the office. However, somewhere on the ride from East LA to Hollywood Hills she got to thinking about her parents. How she had two of them but never saw them together. How the one and only memory of her father probably contributed to the abandonment she felt deep down inside. How her mother’s death was suddenly a lot more frustrating than it was before, because Daisy couldn’t talk to her about her Daisyisms. She’ll never know what Natalia would think of PJ now, though Daisy could guess from experience. Her future kids would never know their abuelita. Daisy herself would never get to mend whatever she and her mother had. She was stuck with the unresolved bullshit forever, and she had to be okay with that in order to make things work now.

When she mentioned this to Ruth at the next session, Daisy knew she was ready.

Chapter Text

Daisy was almost at the point where she wished she was punched harder. Some things were fuzzy right after her concussion, like the last three months, and some birthdays. She still couldn’t remember many birthdays, but she remembered the way her mother made her feel a little too well. While Ruth honestly informed her client that these feelings were interwoven into every part of Daisy’s life, she also reminded her to enjoy the positive memories involving Natalia. It’s best to focus on the good things, especially since Natalia wasn’t around anymore to discuss Daisy’s childhood… and teenhood… and early adulthood.

That’s what made Daisy tear up. She rocked from side to side as she sniffled, it seems like she was always in this position lately.

“I can't forget the bad things,” she admitted softly. “Every time someone in my family brings up how wonderful my mom was, I want to scream that they’re wrong. And it’s not that I don’t think she was a good person, and it’s not that I hate her.”

“You just remember that she was human,” Ruth said for her. “In my experience, when someone dies, the negative things about that person die with them. It could be that missing them only forces you to think about what you had, or it could be that people don’t like to speak ill of the dearly departed.”

That made sense. Daisy remembered how Johnny wouldn’t say much if she brought up a bad experience with her mother. Willa was the same.

“So your relationship with your mother must have been something if you keep remembering and speaking of the bad things,” Ruth observed. “What’s something you remember?”

~

It was 2003, and the death day, Mother’s Day, and Natalia’s birthday were the hardest days of the year. Only two of those difficult days had passed so far, and the third was coming at the end of the month. Daisy couldn’t bear to visit the cemetery during the first year without her mother, and she had plenty of distractions to keep her from doing such a task, most of which involved a boyfriend who was forever an optimist. But at some point, Daisy knew her own mom would take personal offense to her daughter not wanting to visit her. She definitely did when she was still alive.

In the end, it was only because Johnny and Willa nudged her to go, saying that it might bring her some clarity or whatever. Yeah no, Daisy cried bloody murder and dropped to her knees in the grass. None of them had any idea that Daisy could make such intense, broken noises, and for such a long stretch of time too. Somewhere in the midst of wailing and trying to break out of Johnny’s strong hold, Daisy decided she wouldn’t be doing this again.

Even when Johnny and Willa, her two rocks, talked about moments they had with Natalia later on, Daisy knew she wouldn’t be back here again. She would have to find a way around it if her other relatives wanted to be here during the holidays, but that was to be planned later. Instead, she tried to find comfort in the sounds of her loved ones’ voices.

Johnny only had little blinks of moments from the 80’s when he briefly met Natalia, but Willa had plenty more up her sleeve.

“She always told me I was the favorite friend,” she said, dramatically flipping her long hair behind her back. “Oh, and the way she’d act when she saw me—“ Willa took a few steps back between two tombstones and put her hands up, limp wrists and did her best impression of the dearly departed. “¡Ayyyy mija! ¿Cómo está mi amiga favorita?”

It made Johnny chuckle, and he rubbed his girlfriend’s arms to gauge her reaction.

Daisy, voice withheld from the big emotions, secretly remembered how Natalia told her that having Willa around finally felt like she had a normal daughter. She stared blankly at the chunk of cement sticking from the ground.

“I remember her laugh,” Johnny said after a bit of silence. He still had his hands on Daisy’s arms like he wasn’t going to let go anytime soon. “Man, it was contagious. She woulda been great with my family during the holidays. Buncha hyenas having a good time.”

“Oh, I remember that too,” Willa added. “I think it’s a universal Latina mom thing. They all laugh like witches, but with more warmth.”

Daisy bitterly thought about how her mother was very witchy. Mean, actually. It had nothing to do with the way she laughed, because that laugh reminded Daisy of Johnny’s loud cackle. That was a good thing to remember, right? And seeing Willa’s impression made her think of something that was actually nice.

She sniffled and wiped her cheek with her sweater sleeve, still staring at the grey slab of concrete with her mother’s name. “We used to dance in the kitchen on Saturdays.”

“¿Puro banda, verdad?” Willa guessed, and then she looked at Johnny. “Mexican country music. All the moms love that shit.”

Daisy nodded in agreement. “She liked to play music when she cleaned and she’d get me roped in by dancing with me… and then when the song would end, she’d tell me to go scrub the toilets.”

Both Johnny and Willa smiled and then bounced off of that, keeping the conversation light and positive. Daisy didn’t want to say that those moments were followed by Natalia criticizing her on her cleaning skills. That no man would want her if she didn’t know how to cook and clean. Sure Daisy could dance pretty well in the kitchen, but she couldn’t be too good or else she would be showing off, and that was tacky. Everything Natalia had to say about Daisy was never just positive. But that’s something to be unpacked later.

~

“Daisy…” The shrink removed her glasses from her nose to gaze at her client sitting on the couch. “I understand not being ready to discuss certain things, but I believe the issues you had with your mother prior to her passing had an effect on you.”

There was no way she was wrong. It made perfect sense. You are bits and pieces of those who raised you, who taught you things about life. They instill specific things in you, and you have to spend the rest of your life either embracing or unlearning all of it. Or healing from it.

“The choice is up to you entirely,” Ruth continued, “but I really don’t think we’re going to get anywhere if we don’t talk about your mother.”

“I didn’t start therapy to talk about my dead mom,” Daisy told her, she didn’t realize she was rocking from side to side and gripping the ends of her skirt. “I came here because I’m tired and I need to stop being so tired.”

“Okay, let’s go with that.” Ruth sat up a little straighter. “There are plenty of things that can tire you out, and not talking about pressing matters is one of those things. Holding all of that grief in isn't healthy. If you don’t want to talk about it with me, you need to find another way to release it. Do your other relatives talk about her?”

Daisy shrugged. “On her birthday. My godmother usually calls me. They light a candle for her on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Oh, and Dia de los Muertos too.”

“Do you do things like that?”

It won’t change anything.

“Like I just said, I talked about her to Johnny and Willa…” Daisy mumbled.

“That was a few years ago now, wasn’t it? Has anything come up recently?”

One thing had come up while Daisy was recovering from her injured nose. She didn’t like looking in the mirror as much anymore, internally cowering at the things Natalia would say had she still been alive. That woman always had something to say.

~

“You’re going to look like that?” Natalia asked, gesturing to her daughter’s appearance.

It’s 1980-something, and Daisy was looking down at her t-shirt and pleated skirt. She knew it wasn’t the style, but she was comfortable. Besides, it’s not like she was going on a date, she was only going to study with her history partner. They weren’t even going to leave the apartment. Not to mention, the skirt had pockets, a rare find.

“Pues, peinate o algo asi,” she continued, reaching over to touch her child’s frizzy locks, to which Daisy instinctively leaned away. Natalia didn’t like that, she never liked that. “Ay, pareces que te voy a pegar! I’m not gonna hurt you, I’m your mother!”

“Sorry,” Daisy muttered.

“Speak up, mija. No one’s going to listen if you’re whispering all the time. You need to scream to be heard in the real world.”

But if she screams too loud she’ll make friends with the chancla . Daisy knew that much.

“Sorry,” she tried again, internally cringing at her own voice. “I don’t, I don’t really have–”

“And look at me, too,” Natalia snapped as she went back to sweeping the kitchen. “It’s rude when you don’t make eye contact.”

As if Daisy hadn’t been told that over a thousand times in her sixteen years of life. Wasn’t it hard for other people, too? She darted her eyes up to her mother, who despite her own drab appearance of pajama shorts and a tattered Queen shirt, stood tall and confident with her arms folded and waiting for a response that Daisy knew would be the wrong one.

“I don’t have a lot of time to change,” Daisy told her.

Natalia shrugged nonchalantly. “Well if you want to look homeless when you have a boy over–”

“But we’re not homeless.”

“Don’t interrupt me!”

Daisy looked down again, her shoulders tense. She was just stating a fact.

Sighing irritably, Natalia put the broom back in the closet. “You could have more friends - girls - if you made an effort in your clothes. You’re already pretty, so you don’t need makeup . What are you doing wrong?”

“I don’t want more friends, I like the one I have,” Daisy told her, still looking down at the floor. She shoved her hands into her pockets to keep herself from shaking them out. Natalia hated when she did that, told her it wasn’t ladylike.

Regardless, Daisy settled for containing her curls into a side braid, and that was acceptable for Natalia. It was just in time too, because there was a knock on the door while Daisy was coming down from the icky feelings that were bubbling inside.

Natalia got to the door first, putting on a bright smile and speaking as eloquently as possible, almost like she was hiding her Mexican accent. One thing Daisy didn’t like about growing up was that now she knew why she did that, and it only made her wonder even more why they moved to the fucking South.

But PJ wouldn’t make fun of Natalia’s accent, or Daisy’s fluent Spanish. He didn’t even know that she spoke the language. Living in the South meant there was very little use for things like speaking Spanish. Daisy looked like everyone who lived out here, but her mother didn’t. It was a very different scene, just more reasons to hate it here.

Soon enough Daisy was making flash cards, PJ at her side as he tried to read the material from the textbook. As usual, he broke focus, looking around the living room from where he sat on the floor.

“Where’d you get a tiger blanket from?” he asked, looking at the couch behind him.

She shrugged and made the I don’t know noise, not looking up from her task. “We’ve had it for as long as I can remember.”

She thought about the softness and how pleasing it was to touch. If Natalia wasn’t so anal about keeping things exactly where they are, Daisy would steal the blanket for herself.

“So where’s your daddy at?” PJ asked, still unfocused and bored from studying history.

Daisy made the same noise.

“You don’t know? He working or somethin’?”

“I would assume so. Anyways—“ Daisy laid the last flashcard on her little stack and finally looked at her friend. “Lemme quiz you. You need to bump your grade up, right?”

But before they could refresh their memories on the Civil War, Natalia entered the scene with a plate in hand. She set it down on the coffee table where the teens sat, presenting cut up mango with chili powder.

“Thanks, amá,” Daisy muttered, embarrassed that her mother just barged in without asking.

“Thank you ma’am,” PJ told her, much more confident and even flashing a smile at the older woman.

“Of course, honey,” Natalia replied before making her exit. As if she didn’t make her daughter feel like crap an hour prior.

~

“Years later, Willa was telling me that that’s how my mom was trying to apologize,” Daisy explained in thought. “But how was I supposed to know that?”

“Right, you need things to be straightforward,” Ruth replied. “But maybe gestures like that were her way of expressing her love for you. Maybe she was hard on you because she wanted you to succeed and do your best.”

“My best was never good enough for her. And… yeah, I do need things to be straightforward.” Daisy fidgeted with the black cube in her hand, a flurry of realizations coming to mind. “I thought that was such a stupid request, and stupid for me to ask that of people, because my mother made it seem that way. But I mentioned it to Johnny when we first started dating and… he’s honest with me. He’s honest in a way that doesn’t make me feel like shit.”

Ruth nodded for her to go on as she took notes.

“And, and he needs physical touch to know that I love him,” Daisy continued. “So I’ll try to hold his hand or he’ll lay his head on my shoulder… And touch is hard for me, but I try. I try for him, and he tries for me. And then I made him feel like shit with my words, and I pushed him away…”

Daisy thought twice about her own bluntness, whether it came from Natalia or not. She thought of Johnny, the last person who was hit by her harsh words, and her stomach hurt. She didn’t want to turn into her mother. She tried very hard not to be her mother, the woman who died but wouldn’t stay dead. Or her father, the man who disappeared and was left forgotten.

~

It’s 2002, a mere month after Father’s Day, a holiday that Daisy honestly forgot existed. You would think that someone who was left behind by the man who was supposed to be there for them would harbor a whole lot of resentment toward said man. You would think that every Father’s Day would be difficult, or that seeing dads and daughters would make negative emotions arise and ruin the day. While Daisy did have resentment in her about certain things in life, this wasn’t one of them. To her, it was hard to miss something that she never really had. It felt illogical.

Explaining that to Johnny was nerve wracking at first. He was confused.

“Wait, what do you mean your old man isn’t in your life?”

Daisy stared (not directly at him, of course.) “I told you this a long time ago. I think when we were kids.”

Then Johnny stared (directly at her, as always.) “You told me he wasn’t home.”

“Yes.”

“So he’s never been home?”

“Yes.”

Johnny nodded once. “Got it.”

An awkward silence filled the air as Daisy ran her fingers over the fluffy blanket on the couch. Whenever she imagined talking about this part of her life, it always flowed eloquently and there wasn’t a single detail left out, mostly because she was okay with the lack of a biological father. She had plenty of time to make peace with it. But she sat there next to her boyfriend, now wondering how the script got lost on the way.

“So…” Johnny trailed off, averting his eyes and speaking carefully, “he wasn’t at the funeral?”

Daisy was about to confidently shake her head, but then she realized memories of that day were incredibly fuzzy. “I don’t know… I didn’t invite him, that’s for sure.”

He nodded as he took that in. Then he shifted in his seat, remaining casual. “You think he would have showed up?”

“I dunno. I haven’t heard from him since I was five, so… I just know when he’s gone he wants to stay gone.” Daisy wasn’t sure why she knew that with such confidence. She barely remembered what he looked like. Natalia most likely got rid of any pictures of him early in life.

“I wonder what goes through a man’s head to do something like that,” Johnny mused. “To walk out on the most important people in your life.”

Daisy stifled a nervous laugh, but an odd sounding chuckle came out regardless. “I might know his reason.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “Care to share? Uh, unless it’s personal.”

See, Daisy did just talk without filtering, but that didn’t make some of the things she shared easy to say out loud. For once in her life, she was thinking about how this would sound to the guy she just started dating. There was supposed to be a timeline for sharing personal things, but Johnny knew Daisy in the past. He had some idea of what went on in her life. More recently, he also saw her mourning. Aside from those things, Daisy had no idea when there was supposed to be a correct time to share something like this. She wished she would have gotten a manual with this dating thing.

“How deep are we allowed to get?” she asked, picking at her nails.

“As deep as you want,” Johnny replied, putting his arm on the back of the couch. “How ‘bout this: you say what you wanna say, and in return I’ll share something deep. That way, it’s even.”

That was relieving. Daisy had a tendency to overshare and kill the mood, not realizing until she was losing friends and boyfriends (and that one girlfriend.) It was part of the reason why she stayed quiet a lot of the time. But if she was explicitly invited to overshare, well, she was going to take it.

“When I was really little, my mom dressed me up for church…”

“In a little yellow dress, I assume?” Johnny guessed with a playful smile that Daisy momentarily returned.

“It was pink, which was her first mistake!” Daisy chuckled, but it faltered quickly as the memory became more clear. “She put these ruffly socks on me, and I just hated them. The feeling of the fabric was like… I dunno, but my mom wouldn’t let me take them off and I screamed my head off in the car.”

Johnny watched her as she spoke. During the pause, he filled the silence. “You hated the socks ‘cause they weren’t yellow, huh?”

Daisy almost wanted to be mad that he was making jokes from this. But she couldn’t stifle down the soft laugh that came out of her. Admittedly, it was helping her move the story along.

“My dad was driving,” she told him as she picked at her nails. “And I don’t know how to read people, so maybe I’m wrong… but he looked over at me while I was screaming in the backseat and he just… he looked tired. Over it, y’know? So it probably wasn’t the first time I was making a fuss over something mundane, and he had just had it with me.”

Johnny didn’t have a joke for that one.

“Okay, you say something deep now,” Daisy told him as she grew incredibly aware of the silence.

He took in a breath as he thought about it. “How do I even follow that up?”

The answer was easy for Daisy, because she had been curious for a while now. Again, she had no idea when was a ‘right time’ for certain things in relationships. But she spoke anyway. “I’ve spent my life wondering how a man does stay with his child... Care to enlighten me?”

Hearing Johnny talk about his daughter, seeing his eyes light up when he mentioned her quirks, and then gloss over when he talked about his fears as a parent, and watching him pull out a picture from his wallet was reassurance that Daisy had no idea she was looking for. Someone who was present and enthusiastic about their offspring was something that she didn’t know she was looking for in a partner. You’d think she would go for something that was familiar, someone who constantly left her hanging or made her feel worthless. But Johnny was good. Loud, a little obnoxious, but good. Hearing him gush about his little girl made Daisy understand the phrase heart of gold.

~

The therapist said nothing about that as she wrote something down. Then she looked up at her client again. “You believe your father left because of you?”

“I came up with that when I was a kid,” Daisy replied. “I dunno if it’s actually true, I think I just wanted a reason.”

“Have you ever thought about trying to find him, making contact?”

“No. I don’t need him, I have three uncles. They all stepped up so quick I didn’t even have time to think about my dad. My uncles did a lot for me.” Daisy was half certain she told Johnny the same thing that night. “And besides, given everything else that I’m unpacking, piling on a man I forget about most of the time just…”

“It wouldn’t help,” Ruth finished with an understanding nod. Then she diverted the topic slightly. “How did it feel, hearing Johnny speak about his experiences as a parent? What emotions does it bring up?”

“It’s nice.” Daisy remembered those moments fondly, whether Johnny was talking about his kid, when he finally introduced his kid to her, and every moment after. “I’d rather meet people who have good dads, because knowing that someone has had a similar experience to me makes me… sad?” She paused. “And I’m all for relating to people, it-it helps me connect, but that specifically… I’d rather hear about good fathers. It does something for uh, the child version of me… I think.”

“In other words, it’s healing for you. Let me ask you this: do you want kids?”

“Yes. One day when I’m not a mess, of course. I think it’s good that he was already a dad when I met him, so I know he’ll be good to the one we have.” Daisy being a good parent was another topic entirely. Daisy having a baby was also another different subject matter.

“You want kids, even with all the changes they come with, and all the unpredictability? That’s interesting.”

It was, wasn’t it? Here was a woman who wanted - possibly needed - nothing more than to have a stable routine. Having kids was a gamble, no matter how they were attained. Daisy was practically asking for another Jackass Number Two-related meltdown.

“I’m choosing the unpredictability,” she said at last. “Like how I chose PJ despite our differences. He has a hectic schedule, chaotic friends, and his career is… Anyways, it’s different when it’s my choice.”

“Let’s go back to that, the hectic schedule. You said before that he doesn’t leave you hanging, right?” Ruth asked. “But he left, didn’t he? Granted, he didn’t break up with you, but he ran.”

Daisy looked down. So much for having a decent conversation.

“I guess distance is normal for us. He usually leaves because of work, though, so I don’t typically worry when he’s gone, despite the habits I developed.” She tilted her head as she put together her next thought. “I know I’ve been sad the last few weeks, and I do miss him, but I also like my alone time.”

~

It’s 2004, and Johnny didn’t come home like he promised. Daisy had told him over the phone that it was no big deal; She was just glad he wasn’t caught up with work and his pretty blonde costar. He ended up going to Tennessee for the holidays, since it was closer to his current place of work and he hadn’t seen his family in a while. Daisy went with her own family in the Southern California desert, and honestly, she should have known she would get grief for showing up alone.

It’s not like she was staring grief right in the face as she looked at the picture of her mother on the ofrenda in Gaby’s living room. Next to that picture was Daisy’s grandfather, and there were two candles for each one. She always stood at the little table, at whoever’s house, because all three of her aunts had this offering table for their dead loved ones. Apparently, Daisy was supposed to feel something, their spirits, or a higher power, but she stared blankly at the black and white photos of her mother and her mother’s father. At least she didn’t sob anymore.

“¿Y tu novio?” Gaby asked as she approached her goddaughter. “You said you were bringing him this time.”

Daisy, glad to have an excuse to stop looking at the ofrenda, replied with a simple, “Está con su familia. He hasn’t seen ‘em all year.”

Her cousin Lucia had been overhearing from the kitchen nearby. “And you didn’t go with him?” she asked loud enough to make their other cousin Cecilia and uncle Grant turn their heads.

“You guys would have been mad if I didn’t spend Christmas here,” Daisy pointed out, which was true but she also didn’t have it in her to leave the state again. It was hard enough having to leave Los Angeles, even though she was currently living on Willa’s couch until Johnny was back from shooting, unbeknownst to Johnny himself. He thought she was safe in his soon-to-be old house that was currently being raided by movers and real estate agents.

All the relatives in the room made noises of protest at Daisy’s statement. Gaby even lightly slapped Daisy’s upper arm.

“Ay, no seas asi!” the older, grey haired woman snapped. “My Sofia went with her um, partner’s family this year… again! I won’t see them or my granddaughter, but it’s okay!” 

“Yeah, ‘cause Sofia has a wife, and that’s why she’s not–” Daisy tried to say but Gaby cut across her.

“That’s what happens when you’re in love, you do everything the other person wants!”

“My mom always said that love makes you stupid,” Daisy mumbled, only for her godmother to give her a look.

“Don’t think about her like that, mija. She wanted you to be smart, and if you’re here instead of getting to know your boyfriend’s family, then she did a good job.”

Daisy knew that sounded wrong but she didn’t know enough about raising strange girls with strange behaviors to dispute it.

With that, the two of them went to sit at the dining table with Cecilia and Grant. Lucia was at the kitchen counter, scouring the cabinets for margarita mix while her daughter as well as Cecilia’s twins were still out of the house with their dads. The evening was still going and no one showed up to these things when they were supposed to. Gaby told everyone to arrive for dinner at 5PM, and it was nearing 7. Only Cecilia, Lucia, and Daisy made it on time. All that was left were the other aunts and uncles. It was very annoying.

“How’s your car, bud?” Grant asked Daisy as soon as she was seated. “Making any strange noises? Tires lookin’ okay?”

“Everything’s fine. Thanks, tío.”

“What about your new place? That boyfriend a’yours got you living somewhere nice yet?”

“Oh yeah!” Cecilia suddenly said, projecting her voice even though she was very close to Daisy. “When are you inviting us over? I’d kill to stay at a house in the Hills.”

“It’s not ready yet,” Daisy replied timidly. Truth is, she was waiting for Johnny to come home so they could get the keys to the new house. That was supposed to be the plan between Christmas and New Year’s…

Cecilia, always twirling her black hair around her fingers, spoke up with a devilish grin as she changed the topic. “You know why I think you’re here, Daisy? I think you can’t travel.”

That was technically true. It was taking all of her mental energy to be present here. Having to split up that energy to be on a plane for several hours followed by presenting herself as a good girlfriend to Johnny’s family would have been nothing short of disastrous. Not to mention, all anyone wanted to talk about was the break-in at Daisy’s apartment. That conversation always made a flood burst in her eyes, and the last thing she wanted to do was tamper the Christmas mood.

Gaby gasped dramatically and looked between her two nieces. Then she excitedly grabbed her husband’s hand. He was also intrigued by the notion his daughter made.

“So I shouldn’t be making margaritas, then?” Lucia asked from the refrigerator.

Daisy had no idea what was happening. “¿De qué hablas?”

“Wondering if you got a bun in the oven.” Grant smiled. He didn’t speak any Spanish, but he understood bits and pieces.

“What?”

“Are you pregnant?” Cecilia asked.

“Wha… no!”

Everyone deflated after that. They seemed disappointed. Gaby mused about how Daisy would have to be married first, and then Daisy got questions about when a wedding would happen. It’s been two years since she started dating PJ, what’s the holdup? Daisy was the only cousin who wasn’t married or had kids, and it needed to happen, according to her relatives. Maybe that’s how one feels the spirit of dead loved ones, because Daisy was certain her mother would be asking these questions if she was alive.

“I’m happy where I am now,” she told her relatives.

“Marriage will make you happier,” Gaby replied.

“It’s true!” Lucia piped up as she dumped ice into the blender. She picked up the bottle of tequila and let it pour as she looked over at Daisy again. “Oh, can you stay with Annalise for New Year’s? Me and Ed are going out.”

“Oh yeah!” Cecilia added, putting her hands over Daisy’s arms and ignoring how she tensed up. “Me and Garrett are going out too! Ay prima, could you take Jimena and Angel that night? You won’t have any plans right? Since your man is staying with his family?”

Daisy felt an odd heaviness in her stomach as she thought about what Johnny pointed out in that Baton Rouge hotel room just over a month ago. She wondered what he would say if he were here. She wondered if she would have plans with him, or if he would babysit with her. It’s not like he hadn’t before, Johnny loved the nieces and nephew like they were his own. However, Daisy couldn’t help but recognize the pattern that had been going on since these kids were born, and she couldn’t help the gross feelings settling inside her body.

She still said yes to Cecilia and Lucia, because it was true. Daisy did not have plans for the New Year, and besides, she preferred hanging out with the kids anyways.

Lucia grinned and promised the first margarita to her cousin before turning on the blender. The sound made Daisy jump and evidently get up to go to the bathroom.

“Why does she always do that?” she heard Cecilia ask, and it hardly helped at all.

It wasn’t just the loud noise, it was the questions and blatant exclusions. Daisy thought this would stop when she found someone to be with. Now she really felt Natalia’s spirit, because Daisy started to feel like nothing she did was good enough for anyone in this godforsaken house unless she was doing their bidding.

She went into the bathroom down the hall and locked herself inside. Her hands immediately started waving at her sides, and she paced around the tiny space. Maybe she should have lied to her aunts and told them she would be in Tennessee for the holidays and just camped out on Willa’s couch. Willa was out of her place for the holidays too, no one would have ever known. But no, Daisy made her choice and was facing the consequences. She still had several hours to go and she was already reaching her limit.

These things are supposed to be fun. Family was supposed to be reassuring and warm, not leaving her feeling like something was wrong. Daisy couldn’t help but think of Johnny’s family, who were nothing but kind to her. Yeah, his dad tried to prank her on the few occasions she had met him, but Johnny explained that was how he shows he approves of her. His mother was sweet, always asking if Daisy had dietary restrictions or pillow preferences when she slept over. Southern hospitality was no joke in that household. 

Daisy took a seat on the floor, not caring that it was bathroom tile that had been stepped on by many people. She took her phone out of her pocket, and hoped she would be getting money as gifts this year because long distance calls were expensive.

Only two rings went by before she heard a comforting, “Hey, Daisy-doll.”

“Hi, I’m just checking in,” she replied, already feeling her shoulders relax. “How’s your Christmas Eve going?”

“Oh, it’s wonderful,” he replied. “My nephew ripped one so big that Mom opened the windows and it still stinks a half hour later.”

Daisy cracked a small smile. “Well that’s fun.”

“Mom’s also askin’ about you. I told her that you wanted to be with your family this year, but she’s got some other theories.”

“That’s funny, my aunt and cousins are doing the same thing.”

“Yeah? What’s their working theory?”

“That I didn’t travel with you because I’m pregnant.”

Johnny chuckled. “That was my mom’s guess!”

The coincidence made Daisy laugh softly. If he was with her in person, Johnny would laugh too and lie his head on her shoulder the way he did when he was filled with joy. It made her heart ache.

“You’d tell me if that were the case, right?” he asked after the laughter died down.

“Duh,” Daisy replied.

“Hey, I’m just making sure. We haven’t even had so much as a pregnancy scare, so…”

“Well, I’ll tell you if there’s something to tell you.”

There was a pause long enough for Daisy to wonder if the line was cutting off. She pulled her phone back to look at the screen for half a second before hearing Johnny’s voice again.

“Are you saying you’ve had scares before?”

“I mean, every woman who has sex with a man worries about that. I don’t think there’s any need to bring that worry out until there’s something to worry about…” She furrowed her brow. “Did I say that correctly?”

“Yeah. Yeah, you did. Listen, I wanna know about these things. Even if it ends up being nothing, I should know.”

Daisy didn’t see the logic in that. To her, a pregnancy scare left her reeling for days, weeks even. Sometimes she was glad Johnny was gone so much so she didn’t have to make up excuses to not sleep with him. Bringing that anxiety into the bedroom was the least sexy thing Daisy could think of, so she kept it all to herself. It just made more sense that way.

Before she could even think about how to explain all that, there was a knock on the door, thoroughly bringing her back to earth. She was hiding in her aunt’s bathroom, she was taking a break from being a person, which was not something normal people did.

~

As per usual, Ruth found one specific piece and brought it to light. “Hang on. All that took place after your apartment was robbed, yes? Did any of your family seem concerned by it? Did they check in with you?”

“Yeah, when it first happened,” Daisy replied with a shrug. “I guess it’s easier for them to forget about that because they’re not the ones living with it.”

Ruth tapped her pen to her chin in thought. “I suppose that makes sense. Now here’s the other thing; You told your relatives that you were happy with your relationship. Have any of them expressed that they’re happy for you?”

“No.” Daisy stared at the glass coffee table before her as she thought about it more. “I’m sure my mom would have been the same way. Relieved that I found someone instead of trying to be happy for me… or proud of me.”

“At least she would have approved of your partner, right?”

“Maybe. She had something to say about everything I did.”

“Yes, I gathered that. And you haven’t expressed this to your extended family, your uh, more difficult memories about your mother?”

Daisy shook her head. “Part of the reason why I’m not leaving the house is because I feel like I won’t hold back if I have to hear one of them say how amazing she was. She wasn’t a bad person… she had her moments.”

“Like what?”

There were a countless number of bad moments, moments that Daisy was supposed to list to Ruth and process in a healthy way. But the things that came out weren’t bad.

Natalia always twirled Daisy around when they danced together. She stood up to her sisters when they berated Daisy about why she didn’t want a quinceañera. She was the one who signed up Daisy for kickboxing, inadvertently giving her an outlet for the pent up rage that nobody knew was brewing inside. Daisy only realized that last one very recently, when she purposely broke a plate in the sink while washing dishes.

“The last thing she told me was that she was glad I had adjusted,” Daisy recalled.

“Adjusted to what?” Ruth asked.

“Being an adult. I didn’t go away for college like my cousins did, and I didn’t move out of her place til I was twenty-one,” she explained. “Of course she followed that up with how I should have adjusted sooner, and I needed to pick up the pace if I ever wanted to find a husband…” 

“Seems like your mother was good at being so blunt it was cruel, and not taking accountability for said cruelty.”

“Hell yeah she was.” Daisy chuckled dryly.

That made Ruth laugh softly. Then she had her client take a few deep breaths, reminding her that this was all apart of the healing process. The good, the bad, and the unbearably painful.

“Now, before we close: have you called him?”

“No.” Daisy paused. “I think I’ll do it today.”

“We could do it now if you’d like. I’ll be here if it’s too anxiety-inducing.”

“No. I need to prepare for it. I’ll try to do it today.”

And she meant it. Daisy had her cell in her hand on the drive home, intending to make the call as soon as she was in the driveway. She nervously flipped the device open and shut when she was past the gates of the community she lived in, her stomach flipping over constantly as she got closer to the task.

There was a car in the driveway when she got to the house. Daisy immediately slammed the brakes, nearly hit the curb in front of the yard, and practically bolted out of the vehicle, running to meet the person waiting on the porch.

Chapter Text

“Where the hell have you been?” Willa harshly asked.

Daisy couldn’t explain why her eyes started tearing up at the sight of her best friend waiting at her front door. She almost wanted to hug her, but Daisy just stood before her like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

Willa didn’t look any different. She still had her long dark hair and fierce green eyes. She was wearing the blue polo from the gym, maybe she just got off work. Her arms were folded across her chest as she waited for an answer.

“Here.”

“What, is Knoxville keeping you prisoner here? You haven’t answered any of my calls, you haven’t been to any Girls Days in weeks…” Willa paused and sighed. “I had to find out from Antonio that you quit the gym, then I found out from Pontius that you quit kickboxing. That your boyfriend made you quit.”

Shaking her hands, Daisy took a breath. This was a lot to take in. She was already emotional from her therapy session, now she was guilty for being so consumed by it that she couldn’t keep her one true friend in the loop. She was just shutting everyone out without a second thought, what kind of person was she?

“I’m just worried about you, okay?” Willa told her, much more gently this time. “The last time I saw you was when you were in the ER, suffering from a concussion. You talked about getting married, even though he hasn’t proposed. And not even Johnny is answering my calls.” She took a step closer and asked in a low voice, “It’s been four months since I last saw you. Are you safe?”

Daisy nodded rapidly, trying to find a way to explain everything in a single sentence. But there was so much to catch her up on. Four months was the longest Daisy had gone without seeing Willa, of course the latter would get worried. Not to mention, everything she had been unpacking in therapy was something that could be talked about for hours.

“Do you want coffee?” she asked.

“With a shot of Baileys,” Willa replied, and she followed Daisy inside the house. “Maybe two…”

“Oh I’ve been swearing off drinking,” Daisy mindlessly told her as she wandered into the kitchen. (That time with the tequila and Dukes did not count.)

“Why? Are you pregnant? Is that why you’ve been AWOL?” Willa dropped her purse at the dining table and continued to follow. She sped past Daisy and stopped in front of her, looking down at her belly.

“No, I’m not pregnant. Why does that have to be the thing that’s wrong with my life?” Daisy snapped, unable to control herself.

Willa’s green eyes flicked up to her, brows raised. “And now we know how you feel about that. Is that why Johnny left?”

“No.”

“Well, you gotta give me something!” Willa folded her arms again. “Don’t make me lecture you in Spanish!”

Daisy opened the cabinet and found the coffee bag… almost empty. She had to admit there was hardly any alcohol left to spike it with… much less food in the fridge. Going to the store was harder than normal these days. Cleaning the house was just as hard, which was just plain stupid because it’s not like Daisy was too busy to do mundane things. She was the opposite of busy, why couldn’t she get up to clean?

After settling for water in wine glasses, Daisy sat Willa down at the table and tried to explain. She clarified that she was safe, and alone. Johnny wasn’t gone permanently, but he wasn’t away for work, and Daisy had no idea when he was coming back.

“Why is he even gone to begin with?” Willa asked her. “Last thing I remember was that bitchy nurse calling you his wife. What happened to that?”

A burning feeling formed in Daisy’s throat. She wondered about that too.

“There’s a lot I’m figuring out,” she said as she laid her head down on the dining table. “Not just with him, but with my family, and myself… I feel like I’m drowning in it all.”

“¿Y porque no me dijiste? I could help,” Willa told her fiercely, not letting up on her disdain. “Daisy… You always tell me what’s going on with you.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I put my life above everything else—“

“You don’t need to be so passive aggressive. I get that it’s your business.”

Daisy’s tired eyes flickered up to Willa. Her face was unreadable.

“I’m not— I’m just—“

“I just don’t know what to think,” her friend continued. “I had to reach out to your cousins. None of them saw you on Thanksgiving or Christmas. They haven’t seen you in months, so I guess it’s a relief that I’m not the only one who’s shut out.”

It wasn’t until then that Daisy realized that she didn’t think of herself as someone who would be missed. The last time any relative contacted her was just to see if she was available to babysit. She didn’t think anyone would be mad that she drifted away. In a way, Daisy stopped caring what other people would think in order to isolate herself, but she isolated so no one would see her the way Willa was seeing her now.

“I wish I wasn’t like this,” she admitted softly.

She flinched when Willa placed a hand on her arm, making her retract immediately. Daisy sighed in frustration. Case in point.

“What can I do?” Willa asked, despite the flinching, and despite her own hurt. “Anything you need at all, I’ll do it.”

Slowly, Daisy picked her head up off the table. Her eyes scanned the kitchen doorway behind her before turning back to her friend. “I need groceries.”

Willa stared for a few moments before taking in a breath. “I was thinking I get some wine and we cry watching that hospital show you like, but…”

“That would be nice too,” Daisy admitted, but she also had other things to own up to. “Every freaking store I go to is so loud and insane lately. I’ve been meaning to go for the last two weeks but the idea of being there makes me nervous.”

“How have you been feeding yourself?”

“I order out. And sometimes Johnny sneaks in and leaves me food in the fridge… that’s how I know he’s not permanently gone.”

“Okay… so you want me to go to the store for you.” Willa nodded once and then drained her water before firmly setting down the wine glass. “I can do that. Let’s make a list.”

It was a little bizarre, to say the least, that Willa had agreed to run this errand. Daisy had a feeling that if she asked anyone else, her mother or any relative in particular, she would get a whole boatload of questions that she couldn’t answer. But Willa understood in only a few words, it was a special gift of hers. Apart from Johnny, this was the only person who tried to understand Daisy, not change her. Maybe it was her qualms with her own mother, or her college goth phase, but Willa always tried to be open to things, even when it was frustrating for her.

Daisy was thinking of ways to better apologize and show her appreciation while Willa was gone. Maybe they didn’t have to watch Grey’s, maybe Daisy could pick out something else, like La fea más bella. She had been meaning to see it after hearing her cousins talk about it last summer, and Willa loved a good novela. Only problem was, Daisy wasn’t in the right headspace to start new shows.

(It’s a weird problem to have, she knows this.)

She took a shower while she waited, and her skin turned pink from the hot water when she got out. Daisy debated wearing something other than pajamas since she finally had someone over for the first time in about - she stopped and counted on her fingers - four months. But the sight of her Tweety Bird t-shirt distracted her train of thought, and that’s what she sported as she left the room and padded down the stairs.

There were voices in the kitchen, as well as plastic bags rustling. Daisy slowed her steps, not wanting to be discovered, because she recognized those voices. She turned towards the large, dark front door, spotting an extra set of keys on the table next to it, next to Daisy’s. It wasn’t Willa’s set; she always kept her belongings close together in her purse, and that was sitting by the keys.

Daisy’s heart pounded hard enough to make her bounce on her toes, and she began picking at her nails. Then she stepped closer to the kitchen, making out what the voices were saying and feeling her insides flutter at the one she hadn’t heard since Christmas.

“So you been here with her this whole time?”

She wanted to cry for many reasons. However, all she did was continue bouncing on her toes. Why was Johnny here? Was he sneaking in again, only to leave a note or leftovers in the fridge?

“I didn’t even know she was by herself.” Willa sounded just like she had with Daisy; frustrated and annoyed. “And I still don’t know why she’s been all alone, and I know it’s none of my business, but–”

“You’re right. It’s not.”

Daisy internally cringed. One thing that should never be done is interrupt Willa Madrigal.

“You haven’t been here for the woman you said you wanted to marry.” Her voice went darker, if that was even possible. “Looks like you’re trying to stay out of it too.”

“Did you ever think that maybe she wanted me gone?” Johnny didn’t sound any different. If anything, he was almost amused. It was hard to really aggravate him. “Ever think that maybe I was only doing what she asked of me?”

“Well, you must have done something if she needed to kick your sorry ass out.”

That wasn’t true. Johnny didn’t do anything, all he ever did was try to help. Daisy was the one that drove him away when she snapped at him. She started to anxiously pace.

Johnny chuckled. “You’re accusing me of not being there for her when you don’t even know what the hell’s going on. Where have you been, sweetheart?”

“Don’t fucking start with the condescending nicknames!” Willa snapped, unknowingly making Daisy flinch. “She used to call me when things were happening! I was the first person she called when her apartment was robbed, when Antonio ruined her, when her mom died. I know things changed when you came along, but I didn’t know just how much. She did everything for you, things she never would have done for anyone else! And look at her now, she’s cut off from everyone else in her life because of you!”

Her words were ringing all throughout the house. So much, that neither party in the kitchen heard Daisy’s frantic, repetitive footsteps in the next room. 

Johnny still wasn’t triggered by any of it. “You done?” A pause. “I never asked her to do any of the things she’s done. Sure, I invite her to things, but she never has to be my plus one. That’s all her choice, and she usually turns me down. But that’s nothing. People got real problems.”

“Right, real problems,” Willa said back. “Like the fact that you made her be your plus one at the Jackass premiere, look how well that came out. Or how about the fact that you made her quit kickboxing, hm?”

“I’ll ask you again, where have you been? Because if you had been around, you’d know that I didn’t make her do anything, and I never would. I invited her to the premiere, she said yes. The kickboxing…” He sighed. “I’ll admit, I did ask her to step back, but she wanted the same thing! Not that I have to explain that to you.”

“But I’m her best friend.”

“And I’m her person.”

Daisy started waving her hands as she paced. She probably should have made her presence known, but she wanted to hear where this was going.

“Her person, not her husband,” Willa pointed out. “If it was any other girl, if she was Jessica fucking Simpson—“

“Hey, now—“

Willa raised her voice. “You would already be married and popping out kids. But you know that Daisy isn’t just any girl. You know she’s different, and that’s why you haven’t married her, right?”

Johnny didn’t say anything, even Daisy was stunned into one spot.

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” he finally told her. His voice was still steady, but something was different. “I think you better leave now.”

Daisy’s legs were moving before she could process it. Her eyes were on the floor as she stood in the kitchen doorway, making both heads turn her way as she nervously ran her fingers through her hair.

Her name was barely leaving Johnny’s lips as she spoke.

“Listen to him…”

Willa tilted her head. “¿Oíste todo, verdad? Tú sabes que tengo razón.”

“Ya vete.” Daisy didn’t raise her voice, but her point was made.

Willa stood there for a second, mouth half open in surprise. When nothing happened, when all that remained was silence, she scoffed and shook her head as she made her way out of the kitchen. From the living room, her voice rang once more, “You know where to find me when this goes to shit again!”

“Yeah, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” Johnny called back without missing a beat. Once he heard the rather harsh click of the door closing, he sighed and looked at Daisy. “Don’t listen to what she said, she’s wrong.”

Daisy was still staring at the white tile on the floor, tangling her fingers in the ends of her curls. Now it was just her and Johnny after several long weeks, and as relieved as she was that he came home, all Daisy could do was pace in front of the counter, the plastic grocery bags on the surface sticking out like her own sore thumb, bitten down and bleeding. The other thing that stood out was a rather sizable vase full of yellow and purple flowers, accompanied by a bottle of wine. That definitely wasn’t on the shopping list…

Honestly, Daisy was aggravated that Johnny showed up unexpectedly. She did miss him, and hearing him reassure her right off the bat was nice. But all Daisy could do was pace until she felt okay again. If she wasn’t so easily wound up these days she might have wondered if her late mother was working hard to bring this man back to her… again.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” she suddenly asked. “I didn’t, I didn’t know I was gonna see you. You should have…”

“I would have called,” he told her. “But uh, I'm in the business of getting a new phone. Old one's busted."

It then occurred to Daisy that she had no idea where she left her own phone, much less when was the last time she used it to reach anyone. It was no wonder she shut everyone out.

“And I was gonna send these along with a note,” Johnny continued as he gestured to the flowers, “but then I thought it would be best to just show up in person. Think it's about that time.”

“Oh… oh, okay.” She nodded rapidly. Her heart melted a little at the fact that he came bearing gifts, and she was relieved too. Her mind wouldn’t let her think that Willa would make such a gesture.

Johnny watched her as she paced back and forth. “You heard what I said before, right? We’re getting married no matter what, it’s just that it’s been one thing after another… it’s been hard trying to find the right moment…”

“Why’d you come back?” Daisy asked, her mind in far away places and struggling to claw its way back to the present. “I was, I was supposed to call you. It was my homework.”

Johnny pursed his lips into a line. Then he decided to return the energy. “So, how ya doing, D? Been thinkin’ about you a lot…”

She glanced at him once, her steps faltering slightly as she furrowed her brow. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Well, you’re not listening to anything I say.”

Direct, as always. Like he promised. No bullshit. Even after the way Daisy treated him, Johnny was still true to her and to his word.

“I thought about you too… all the time,” she finally told him, because that’s what you’re supposed to say. And it's true. In the back of her mind, all she could hear was his name. Maybe it’s been that way since she was fifteen years old, Daisy couldn’t remember not having him in her… like a vital organ. Or a disease. Or something that sounded romantic and sweet.

“How’s therapy treating ya?” he asked, blissfully unaware of the mess inside the other person’s head.

Of course he wanted to know that. He had to know he was getting his money’s worth, right? And he was still avoiding her question.

Daisy sighed as some of Ruth’s words came to mind. Continuing her trend of cutting the bullshit, Daisy stopped her odd steps and faced Johnny. “My therapist gave me homework to do.”

“Right, you were supposed to call me.” He leaned down and rested his elbows on the counter, eyes never leaving her form.

“I’ve been meaning to… I’ve wanted to for a while now…” She’s not looking at him or trying to act present. She’s so tired but she has to tell him all about the things she’s been unpacking so he knows what he’s getting back into.

…If he even wants to get back into it.

“Why didn’t you? I was waiting for you to give me the OK to come home…” Johnny sighed and looked away for a moment. “I was starting to think you didn’t want me back here…”

Daisy glanced up at him again, eyes wide. That was even more surprising than Johnny’s random return. Why would he want to be here again after seeing all this crazy that Daisy carried? Why didn’t Johnny stay away? He was basically free to do whatever he wanted, and instead he came back here. He and Daisy weren’t even married, there wasn’t any real obligation to be here.

“I…” she began, only to realize she had no idea where to start. “See like, my mom… and then I talked about… And I cried a lot and… Therapy is hard.”

Johnny nodded as if he understood any of that rambling nonsense. “So maybe I shouldn’t have left you to figure it out by yourself?”

Daisy’s head didn’t have the capacity to think about that one too hard. She was too busy trying to talk without crying. “I’m still figuring it out. I’m not all shiny and new again, if that’s what you were hoping for.”

She was staring at the floor, and then she saw his red chucks standing before her. Johnny knew better than to just touch her when she was like this, but his voice was firm as he spoke.

“Hey, I don’t care if you're shiny, dull, broken or fixed. I just want you.”

Tears began to fall from Daisy’s eyes as she nodded, trying to hold onto those words. But since unpacking that garbage sitting in the deepest parts of her mind and heart, it was hard to believe. All she tried to do was be good for those around her. Be someone that no one had to worry about. She thought having two months by herself would be plenty of time to get back on track.

“I thought I was doing the right thing by giving you space and letting you be,” Johnny continued. “I shoulda just stayed and fought for you, never wanted you to think I was gone for good. I won’t be doing that again, I promise you. Oh, sweetheart, let me hug you. Can I hug you?”

She nodded, but she kept her arms tucked in towards her chest as Johnny wrapped his arms around her. Immediately, his scent provided a type of comfort that could only make her weep. As if she needed anymore reasons to cry. She felt his hand on the back of her head, tangling in her messy curly locks. His other arm squeezed around her shoulders the way she needed when she was tense.

“You know I’m here because I missed you too much, right?” he mumbled against her temple. “I can’t really be without you, doll. I tried to be on my own, and I can’t do it. I’m staying no matter what.”

Daisy had to believe that right? No one’s ever told her that before, he was the first and only. He’s been with her this long, but he left and only came back when she was asleep or hidden in some part of this big house.

“I’m difficult,” she shakily told him, her tears staining his blue t-shirt.

“So am I.”

“I’m too broken…”

“No, it’s just a rough patch, baby. I’ll be here through all of it.” Johnny leaned back to look down at her, hands on her shoulders.

He didn’t understand. Daisy babbled, trying to explain the mess she was currently residing in. Therapy was ripping off all the bandaids on the bullet holes she carried. She was only semi coherent as she explained how she could barely stand to leave the house because the outside world was too loud. How she slept most days away. How the idea of putting on the mask that fooled everyone into thinking she was competent was suddenly too heavy. How she couldn’t speak to her relatives because some of them were exhibiting behaviors worthy of Natalia Pineda.

But Johnny insisted he didn’t mind. He would stay and be wherever she wanted him to be, as long as she was in his sights. “I had to let you go once, I’m not doin’ it again.”

Daisy sniffled, not knowing what he meant by that. He let her go when he packed a bag and left for his friend’s house?

“No, when you moved away,” he told her. His hands slid down her shoulders and curled around her wrists, holding them gently. “God, there was so much I wanted to say to you the day you left. I wanted to tell you that I was moving out to LA after high school, that I would come and find you. I wanted to tell you that we’d see each other again.”

Her eyes softened. “Really?”

He nodded softly, lifting her chin so she was looking in his general direction. “I was so nervous about asking you out that I kept putting it off, and then I lost that chance…”

These words were very new to Daisy. She had no idea that he thought of her like this when they were young. It never occurred to her that he still wanted to see her after she moved out of Knoxville. Or that she was something worthy of being searched for.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” she asked, her voice still thick with emotion.

“I was just a dumb kid, I didn’t think that it would change anything,” he replied. “You were still moving away. I dunno… if we had one more year together back then, we wouldn’t have lost all this time. But you know what?” His hand found its place on her cheek, like it was meant to be there for the rest of time. He leaned in close and made sure that she knew, “You came back to me. And there’s no way in hell I’m letting you go.”

Daisy sank back into his arms again, and Johnny held her tight enough to make her exhale the way she needed to for the last few weeks. You would think she had gotten used to his absence, not just from this year, but previous years full of his travels and projects, but Daisy felt nothing but relief and reassurance at this moment. She didn’t want to let him go either.

She calmed down more when she began to put away the groceries, a little more relieved that she finally had food in the house. Johnny was close by and helping out by washing the dishes that had piled up in the sink.

“What happened here?” he asked as he picked up half of a shattered white dinner plate.

Daisy felt her cheeks burn as she realized another task she never completed. She felt even more embarrassed about the explanation.

“I got mad…” About what? She couldn’t remember. It was probably something to do with her mother. “I’m sorry, I meant to clean it up—“

Johnny waved it off. “Don’t worry about it, it’s just one plate. I’ll toss it.”

Silently, Daisy went back to putting away the groceries. She was pleasantly surprised to find an extra large bag of frozen chicken strips; Willa probably figured out that Daisy was too tired to cook for herself and needed something easy.

Then it occurred to her that she needed to call Willa soon, because Daisy wasn’t mad at her at all. In fact, she wondered if she should have been that angry with Johnny. He could have called too… All he did was sneak in and out of the house.

When she asked him about that, he reiterated that he was keeping her request about needing space. He had no idea if she wanted to see him or not because she never told him otherwise. It was true, she never gave him a time frame, much less tried to check in with him the way he subtly did with her all this time.

It wasn’t until she was helping Johnny dry and put away the dishes did another thought escape without her realizing until it was ringing in the kitchen.

“What exactly do I do for you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You do everything you can for me, when you could just try to change me. Or you could have just stayed gone. What is it about me that makes you stay?”

Johnny took a moment to put the last mug on the drying rack and shut off the sink. He answered after drying his hands on a towel.

“You’re supportive of the stupid shit I do, more than anyone I’ve been with. You love my kid as if she were your own. You are… so good. To me, to your friends. You make me want to be a better man.” He paused as he saw her avert her eyes in her own Daisylike way, and then he ducked his head to try to get into her sight. “You know you’re a big reason why I moved out to LA?”

“Okay, that’s not true,” she replied, running her fingers over the little yellow dish towel.

“Well, there were lots of reasons I wanted to get outta Tennessee,” Johnny admitted, “but you bein’ here in California really solidified those plans.”

Daisy leaned back against the counter, considering those words. “It was fourteen years before I saw you again. Doesn’t sound like you were trying to find me. And didn’t you say that you partied and popped pills til you were broke and had to go back to Knoxville?”

“Look, the point I’m trying to make is, you’re it for me. Okay?” Johnny took a step towards her, wanting to give a reassuring touch but resisting like he always did around her. “It doesn’t matter what I was doing during that decade—“

“Fourteen. Years. ¡Catorce años, güey!”

Johnny put his hands up in surrender. “Alright, señora .”

The way his Southern self sounded when he attempted any kind of Spanish was amusing, even when it shouldn’t have been. Daisy swallowed down an inappropriate giggle as she listened to him continue.

“What I'm getting at is, you were always in the back of my mind. Anytime I saw…” He nodded towards the vase, now the only thing sitting on the counter. “…yellow flowers, I thought of you. When that Space Jam movie came out, I wondered if you went to see it. And yeah, all I did was get wasted, I saw other people - hell, I got married - but none of those worked. You know why?”

Daisy saw how his arms were up like he wanted to cradle her face. She heard his words and she could hear the borderline desperate tone they carried, how he wanted her to know just how much she had been in his head. They were in each other like a disease (or something more romantic) the entire time. Still, she silently waited for him to continue.

Johnny suddenly moved his right arm up, exposing his inner bicep. There, in black lowercase letters was a single word scratched onto the skin.

“What the fuck?” was all Daisy could utter at the sight of her own name. She leaned in to get a closer look, finding the tiniest bits of red around the ink. It was still fresh.

“What, you don’t like it?” Johnny asked.

Usually, the answer was clear and Daisy would have no issue saying it out loud. But she just stared at the little tattoo on her boyfriend, dumbfounded and unsure which emotion was overpowering the other. Was she flattered that Johnny was so sure of this love that he had to scratch it onto his body forever? Or was she suddenly anxious because shit like this is a superstition, and now this love is completely doomed?

“You are the crazy one here,” she said as she finally reached for him. Her fingers curled around his blue t-shirt and she pulled him in for a deep kiss.

Johnny smiled against her lips for a split second before wrapping his arms around her waist. He kissed her like he had never left, like it was a sweet hello or a tender see you later, and he pulled back just as quick. But Daisy kept an iron grip on his shirt, and she stood on her toes to reach him again, firmly pressing her lips to his and trying to ignore the scratchy feeling of his salt-and-pepper stubble on her face. Even when they were as close as can be, Daisy tugged on him as she backed herself into the counter.

“Doll…” Johnny breathed out against her lips, sliding one hand up her body to let it rest on the side of her neck.

Daisy hummed at the feeling, her skin tingling intensely but she resisted the urge to squirm away. She tried to focus on the man before her, the way his kisses got softer by the second, the way he wasn’t trying to pick her up and sit her on the counter surface. God, he got a tattoo for her and he wasn’t trying to fuck her in their kitchen? What’s happening here?

The little space between the two of them after another peck was long enough for Daisy to release a shaky breath. She felt Johnny touch his forehead to hers, burning her in a way that made her awkwardly turn her head. In the same second, Daisy kissed him once more only to choke out a sob right after.

“Oh, babydoll,” Johnny cooed. “I know, I’m sorry. I wasn’t tryin’ to do anything you didn’t want…”

Daisy sucked in a gasp, and then her head was pressing against Johnny’s chest as she cried once more. She babbled as she explained her difficult therapy session, how pissed off she was at her mother, how much she missed Johnny, and how thrown she was by his unexpected return along with Willa’s spontaneous visit. She tried to explain that she knew how ridiculous it was for her to be wiped from all of these things, but Johnny only nodded and guided her by the shoulders out of the kitchen.

“Let’s go lie down, alright? It’s been a long day for both of us.”

Once upstairs in the bedroom, Daisy cried until she exhausted herself into a nap. The last time this happened was the day Johnny left.

When her eyes fluttered open, all Daisy could see was the blurred vision of the room before her, illuminated by the yellow sunset pouring in from the window. Next, she saw the unopened bottle of wine sitting on the bedside table, and wondered when that got here. The pillow her head rested on was making odd rumbly noises, and it was strangely long… and had legs that rested on either side of her torso.

As soon as it clicked, something fell on top of Daisy’s head, but what shocked her awake was the loud laugh that came after. A hand went on her head, affectionately petting her hair as that laugh rang around the room.

“You okay, Daisy-doll?”

Her eyes gazed down at the yellow notebook from nineteen-eighty-something that was now at her side, then she looked up at Johnny, whose long form she had been resting on. Normally, Daisy would move away and create her own space, but her body was still heavy and tired. And Johnny’s stomach was really comfortable. And the way he smiled down at her kept her rooted to her spot. She missed him so much.

She hummed softly and laid her head back down, focusing on the notebook. Her fingers gently touched the cover that had stood the test of time. The pen marks and irreparable bends on the corners were something for her to admire fondly now.

“So where’d you find this old thing?” Johnny asked as he brought his hand to the book as well, skin brushing past Daisy’s for only a second.

“The garage,” she mumbled, curling her fingers at the tingly sensation left on them.

“Ah, that’s why there’s boxes all over the floor.”

Daisy squeezed her eyes shut once. Add that to the list of messes in her life she had to clean up.

“I’ll get to it tomorrow,” she promised. “I don’t wanna get up right now.”

“I don’t want you getting up either,” Johnny replied. “It’s been too long, and I don’t get your boobs on my junk that often.”

A very ugly snort came out of her, muffled against her human pillow. But despite the way it was worded, there was truth in that statement. Truth that made Daisy feel guilty. “I’m sorry I don’t cuddle you more…”

“Don’t be. Anyways, what made you wanna dig out your, uh-“ Johnny quickly opened the front cover and looked at the first page. “…High school history notes?”

“Scared I was gonna forget…” And she missed him. For once, Daisy longed for the days in Knoxville, when she saw him for an hour a day, five days a week.

“Huh. You know we had math class together, right?”

Suddenly, it felt like cold water was poured down the back of her neck. Daisy immediately sat up and looked at Johnny, only to find him smirking at her. Before she could start babbling herself into a panic attack, Johnny chuckled softly and spoke again.

“I’m just messin’ with ya,” he told her as he reached for her hand.

Daisy moved back on the mattress, tears welling up in her eyes again. “That’s not funny.”

“I’m sorry, doll, sorry,” Johnny reassured as he leaned forward with his hand out. “C’mere, you got somethin’ in your hair.”

She was too annoyed to accept his help, so she ran her fingers through her curls herself. A tiny scrap of paper had tangled itself in her locks from when the notebook fell on her, and she easily pulled it out. It was nothing more than a hi with a penis scrawled on it, but Daisy carefully put it back inside the book, and then counted all the other scraps to make sure they were all there.

“I really am sorry,” Johnny said as he watched her put the old thing back on the bedside table. “I didn’t know you kept that all these years.”

“Well, I wanted to remember my only high school friend,” Daisy replied as she moved across the mattress to sit next to him as opposed to on him. “We don’t even have any pictures together from that time. I needed something to hold onto.”

“So you chose to keep a buncha dicks as memorabilia. Can’t say I blame ya!”

That made Daisy laugh softly, releasing a little more of the tension that had been stored inside her body for the last thirty years. She stared down at her hands for a few moments before getting distracted by Johnny lying his head on her shoulder. Daisy couldn’t be angry or annoyed at him for very long, she just didn’t have it in her.

“What did you do while you were away?” she asked, glancing down at him and running her fingers across the sparkles growing in his temples.

Johnny leaned into the touch. “I stayed with Jeff for a bit, then Pontius, and that’s when I got inked. I did all the same things I do, I just didn’t come home to you. Shot some stuff for two-point-five… Getting ready to shoot an Evel Knievel doc with Matt, too…”

In other words, Johnny was due to leave again. But it was under different circumstances this time, circumstances that were familiar to Daisy. She had to remind herself of that to endure the next period of time she was alone.

Chapter Text

Johnny tried to make things go back to the way they were shortly after returning home, despite the messy explanation Daisy gave about her current state of mind. Not even a week went by before Johnny was convincing her to join him for a group dinner with the guys. He claimed that while being at home was good for her, seeing other people that like her might be helpful as well. Daisy accepted the invite because the pit in her stomach was awfully loud when she counted the months it had been since she’s seen any other faces. Johnny also made her want to try, a telltale sign that his being here was a balm in and of itself. And, more importantly… she was told it was dinner.  

Daisy believed that line every single time for nearly five years. Every time, she always ended up sitting at a bar, sipping a cocktail, and watching people be people in a feeble attempt to figure out how it all works. The sounds of Rihanna bumping through the crowded space were dulled in her tipsy ears. She didn’t want to drink tonight, she declined red wine during dinner. It wasn’t until they got to the bar did Johnny tell her it’s not like you work tomorrow and ordered her something with tequila in it because he knew that was the only liquor she’ll drink.

At least he knew that about her. Maybe he knew that these places made Daisy feel a certain way and that was the only way he knew how to help her while still having fun.

Daisy never wanted to ruin anyone’s fun. She kept her butt planted on that stool, occupying herself with slowly but surely draining her glass. Her eyes stayed focused on where the jackasses were; Pontius, Wee Man and Ehren were playing a drinking game. Steve-O was trying to balance a stool on his chin, much to the disdain of the bouncers. Earlier, Pontius had invited Daisy to come play, but she made an excuse to use the bathroom, and she hid in there long enough for him to forget he even spoke to her.

Where was the drunk 20 year old hype girl now? Daisy could have used some of that hype as the realization that she did not want to be here sank in. She stared blankly at her reflection in the mirror, seeing right through herself, until her body moved her out of the bathroom.

When she was out there again, she spotted her boyfriend at the corner of the bar, chatting with some fans who had wanted to talk to him and Pontius. That was a good enough reason for her to keep herself chained to the bar, to be close by. She didn’t realize how intense her stare was until the bartender was snapping her out of it.

“Es muy guapo, verdad?” she said as she nodded to the man Daisy had eyes for.

“Guapisimo…” Daisy sipped through her straw again, only to be met with nothing but ice. She turned to the bartender and shyly placed the glass on the surface. “Otro, uh…” It occurred to her that Johnny ordered her first round, and she didn’t think to ask what he got her. Maybe that was another sign that she was comfortable… because he knew her preferences.

“Era una paloma.” The bartender smiled as she took the cup. She was observant and pretty, that much was noticeable in the dim lights.

Now Daisy was looking at her as she made the next drink. She was easy to talk to. Her name was Belinda, and she had been referring to the guy with Jesus hair as the handsome one. Daisy told her that he responds better to Satan.

Belinda also mentioned that the guys frequented this place a lot in the last couple of months. They brought in a lot of business, but tonight was the first night in a while she could actually talk with someone while working.

Good to know that Johnny still partied even when he was kicked out of the house.

Daisy blinked hard. She wasn’t mad about that. He told her that he did everything he typically did while he was gone, the only difference was that he didn’t go home to her. Because she didn’t want him there.

“No te he visto aqui antes,” Belinda told her when she presented her with yet another paloma. Her eyes flickered to the group surrounding Johnny and Pontius.

After taking a glance herself, Daisy noticed how the group had migrated a couple of inches closer. Most of those fans had their backs to the two women, fully captivated by Johnny’s presence. Daisy caught his eye, and he winked at her while still listening to whatever these strangers were saying to him.

She turned back to Belinda, deciding to skip small talk and get to more pressing topics. “¿Cuál es tu signo?”

After learning that they were both Leos, Daisy wished that she had invited Willa here tonight. Willa loved astrology, and she was a much better conversationalist. But Belinda was a customer service expert, and carried on with chatting with this patroness and serving others at the same time. The talk helped Daisy relax, because for once, it felt like she was doing good as a regular person. Maybe she just needed to hide in the house for a few months in order to function again.

“Hey,” said one of the men in the group as he turned to face the two ladies. “Could you guys keep it down?”

“There’s a lot of noise in here,” Belinda replied. “Maybe you could keep it down, hm?”

The blond hair blue eyed man gave her a look. “Well at least speak English. We’re in America, after all.”

“What did you say?” Daisy replied, immediately getting up from her seat. There was nothing like a few words put in a certain order that made her incredibly confrontational.

Other voices came about, some laughs, some intrigued ohh! s, and only two that were actually attempting to derail whatever was formulating in front of them.

“No vale, mija,” Belinda said to Daisy.

“Hey, how ‘bout another round? On me!” Johnny piped up, reaching for the man who was now in a staredown with his girlfriend.

“You heard me,” the man said to her with a wicked grin. “Speak the language or go back to–”

But he didn’t finish his sentence because a fist made contact with his mouth. Then, yellow manicured fingernails swept across his face. Several people screamed at the sudden moves, and even more crowded around Daisy, who was blinded by this sudden white hot rage. She wouldn’t be able to tell you if she yelled obscenities at this random man, she wouldn’t be able to tell you if Belinda was mad at her for causing such a scene. She didn’t even know how she got outside, or how her knuckles were burning red. Next thing she knew, Daisy felt a chill in the air, flashing lights coming from across the street, and Johnny standing before her as he laughed in pleasant surprise.

“Can’t remember the last time I saw you that fired up!” he exclaimed.

Daisy was breathing heavily, the sting in her knuckles doing an excellent job at bringing her away from the anger that was boiling inside. She flinched when she heard more people come out of the bar, Ehren and Wee Man being among them. They both high fived Daisy for shutting that guy up. Apparently he had been pissing people off all night.

“And only my Daisy-doll had the guts to put him in his place!” Johnny told them as he put his arm around her. “We got kicked out, but it was well worth it! Huh, D?”

She nodded lightly, silently wishing she had more to drink.

Then, two of the bouncers came tumbling out, gripping Steve-O and Pontius, who only kept yelling over their shoulders and trying to get back in. Belinda was close behind, and she spotted Daisy as soon as she was outside and swiftly approached her.

“Hey, if you want to come back inside, you can,” she told her. “We’re actually trying to remove the other guy right now, but he’s putting up a fight.”

“What about them?” Johnny asked, pointing to his other two friends.

“Well, your friend Satan tried to pull a knife, and your other friend was encouraging him, so we had to de-escalate the situation,” Belinda replied before addressing Daisy again. “I’m just telling you, you’re not in trouble with me or anything. He shouldn’t have opened his mouth.”

Daisy nodded lightly, staring at the ground as she watched Belinda’s feet trail back to the bar.

“I wanna go home now,” she said at last.

Johnny sighed and squeezed her shoulder. “Had a feeling you were gonna say that. You really wanna let one asshole ruin your night? Hey, he’s gonna be out here soon, you could get a few more licks in.”

“I’d rather die,” Daisy bluntly replied. “Look, I didn’t even wanna go out in the first place.”

She didn’t see his face fall, but she was surprised to feel him grab her arm and pull her to the side, away from the commotion.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

“Because you were excited for us to go out again, and I didn’t wanna disappoint you if I said no.” Duh. “I wanted to leave as soon as we got here, but I was sticking it out for you.”

Johnny looked at her for a moment before running a hand over his face. “Fuck, I might be too drunk for this. You know this is how it happened last time, right? You weren’t telling me anything, and next thing I knew, you’re cryin’ on the floor.” He paused. “Did all that come out right?”

Daisy nodded, realizing he was in fact, right. This was because of her, because she kept her mouth shut like she was raised to do. But before she could say anything, Steve-O suddenly approached the two of them.

“Hey, what’d that fucking prick do to you?” he asked Daisy, his tone slurring. “Me and Pontius are gonna talk to him right now.”

“Uh, it doesn’t really matter,” she said timidly. “I already got him, so…”

“Yeah, we’re actually gonna head out,” Johnny added, and that was more surprising.

Steve-O tried to get the pair to change their minds, basically saying what Johnny did earlier. Don’t let one asshole ruin everything, there was still time to go get wasted. Hell, Daisy deserved all the drinks for putting up with that bullshit. Johnny only entertained Steve-O’s words until a cab was magically pulling up to the curb, and then he was pulling Daisy into the vehicle.

Then, the couple were away from the noise, but Daisy caught a glimpse of the man she punched getting physically thrown out by the bouncers. Johnny told the driver to take them to another bar across town. It was a little relieving to Daisy; She didn’t completely spoil the night.

Johnny took her hand and squeezed it, managing to return to their interrupted conversation even with his hazy mind. “You need to talk to me, missy. If you’re not feeling good, I need to know about it. I need to know you’re okay. Okay?”

Daisy nodded.

“Say it to me.”

“Okay.”

Johnny smiled and kissed her hand. “Now that that’s outta the way…” he trailed off as he reached down to move Daisy’s legs onto his lap. His other arm went around her waist so she wouldn’t sway backwards across the middle and left seat.

“You are the most badass lady I’ve ever met, y’know that?” he told her in a volume only she could hear.

“I got us kicked out,” she whined, not matching his tone in the slightest.

“Hey, you heard Belinda, you’re welcome back there. And you know how to stand up for yourself, and for that, you deserve another fuckin’ drink… and some other things,” Johnny added before pressing his lips to her jaw.

Daisy stared out the dark window, squinting at the streetlights that swept by. Her body squirmed slightly as Johnny held her a little tighter and kissed down her neck. She was still disgruntled, and it was hard to come out of it.

“Can we put a punching bag in the garage?” she asked, the volume of her voice making the driver huff out an amused breath.

“You can have whatever you want,” Johnny mumbled against her skin as his large hand went up the back of her blouse.

“Seriously,” Daisy told him as she involuntarily arched her back. “I don’t wanna be fighting people in public all the time.”

That made Johnny lean back to look at her. “What, like that asshole didn’t deserve it? Better that you hit him than me.”

“Right, because Johnny Knoxville getting in a brawl with his fans wouldn’t be a good look,” Daisy said back. “Or it might be great for you. You could look cool and badass, but instead your girlfriend will look like a crazy bitch.”

“I was gonna say because you have a mean right hook.” He chuckled, but Daisy didn’t find it funny.

“I’m left handed–”

“And don’t tell me you’re reading that stuff in the tabloids. Look, you either avoid seeing all that, or you learn to laugh at it.”

Daisy usually avoided looking at what the public said about her. A lot of the hype died down since Number Two had been out and about for a while , not to mention Daisy hasn’t been seen in public with Johnny until tonight, so there wouldn’t be any talk until the next magazine run. However, she would be lying if she said her eyes hadn’t skimmed past a few tabloids in the past. Not to mention, her relatives just loved gossip.

“Sometimes my aunts will tell me what they read,” she admitted, and another realization came forward. “I don’t ever wanna hear it, but they think they know everything… they’re all just like my mom.”

“Alright, let’s not think about that anymore,” Johnny told her as he moved her hair behind her ear. “Night’s still young, we should be having a good time.”

Daisy nodded, and she still tried for him. Tried to drink, tried to not be annoyed by the external noise, tried to fuck him in a dingy little bathroom. Except she couldn’t, because she was alone with him there and it made the dam burst one too many times for her life. She sobbed in his arms and babbled out a pathetic, snot filled apology. It seemed that no matter how hard Daisy tried to fix herself, she always ended up crying in the back of a car on the ride home. 

“Maybe it was a little too soon to go out again,” Johnny admitted the next morning, when both he and Daisy were nursing their hangovers. He sat on the floor next to the bathtub, where Daisy sat inside with the water running.

For some reason she decided to return her tequila there. Clearly, her mind still wasn’t in the right place. She stayed quiet as she rinsed herself off.

Johnny rested his arms on the tub and casually added, “But you’re still tough as nails.”

That phrase simmered in her head as the gurgling sounds of the draining tub rang in the room. Then, “You know if you hit a nail hard enough, it’ll bend.”

“But it never breaks,” Johnny said without missing a beat.

“But it becomes useless. It can’t serve its purpose anymore.”

“You’re not useless, sweetheart.”

Daisy furrowed her brow and looked at him. “I’m just talking about nails.”

Johnny broke out into a grin and then leaned in to kiss her cheek. “Your breath stinks.”

“I know.”

“Well, you take care of that, I’ll be in the room.”

He helped her stand up, planted one more kiss on her forehead, and left her to her devices. Daisy smiled softly as she watched him go, feeling a little better. At least he knew that going out wasn’t the best idea. But Johnny liked going out, Daisy knew that about him. Even in the middle of a rough patch, it didn’t stop him from frequenting that bar like Belinda had said. What if he wanted to go again tonight?

Daisy did not have it in her to go through that again, bar fight or not.

She thought about how to break it to him as she got dressed and brushed her teeth. Surely Johnny could go out without the pressure of his girlfriend standing over his shoulder, right? He’s been doing that lately regardless. Besides, at the end of the night, Daisy could pick him up or wait up for him and help get him to bed. Just because they were a couple didn’t mean they had to do everything together. That was established very early in their relationship anyways. A little reminder of that would do them some good.

Those were good things to say. Clear, understandable. Daisy looked at her reflection in the mirror once as she put her toothbrush back in its cup, and then she went off to have yet another discussion with her boyfriend.

“Amor– uh…” She stopped in her tracks only two steps into the room. “What’s happening?”

Johnny was facing her, down on one knee. “I know this is sudden, but please hear me out…”

Daisy was too stunned to speak, so there was really no other option. Her eyes widened as she saw Johnny pull a very shiny ring from his pocket, and it suddenly clicked into place. Oh. 

Now? After a night that was disastrous to Daisy, but successful to Johnny? What in the name of strange timing–

“I spent some time in Tennessee while I was gone,” he told her, his voice uncharacteristically soft. “I uh, I told my parents I wanted to marry you and uh… my mom gave me this, it was my Memaw’s…”

If this was a cartoon, Daisy’s heart would have been beating out of her chest, and more hearts would have been floating around her head. In the best way, it was also like an anvil had dropped on top of her head.

Due to the silence, Johnny kept talking. “I was going to do this the night of the premiere, but we already know how that went. I wanted to do it at Thanksgiving, but you were so down in the dumps, then I was gonna do it at Christmas… then I realized, it’s like having a kid. If we wait for the right time, it’s never gonna fuckin’ happen. So I’m here now, and– I know you wanna flap your hands, doll, just do it.”

Daisy’s hands were clamped tightly behind her back, and her body was minutely rocking side to side, trying not to interrupt his speech with her stupid little Daisyisms. She rapidly shook her head, voice trapped in her throat. However, her hands began to move with every word that came out of Johnny’s mouth, as that one question rang in the air.

“Will you marry m–”

“Yes!” she squealed as she got down to his level and practically tackled him in a hug, and Daisy was never one for tackle hugs. Or regular hugs.

Johnny released a breath on the crook of her neck, relieved and just as enthusiastic. He held her tightly in his arms like he never wanted to let her go, and the two of them rocked side to side together. Daisy couldn’t hold still, even when Johnny took her arms and tried to break their embrace.

“Lemme see if this fits,” he told her, showing her the ring again.

It was a little white gold band with a single diamond on it. Simple, but effective. Just like Daisy. She grinned from ear to ear.

The ring made it to the middle of her finger before two things happened: first, the ring wouldn’t budge past the knuckle. Second, a nauseating chill went down Daisy’s spine as the cold metal touched her skin. Her smile was gone in a second.

“No, c’mon…” Johnny whined. “You don’t like it?”

“It’s beautiful,” she told him as she retracted her hand and awkwardly scratched at her finger. “I swear I love it, I just don’t like how rings feel on me.”

“Daisy–”

“I know it’s weird, I know. What woman wouldn’t want to have her boyfriend’s grandmother’s ring on her finger, right? What woman in her right mind wouldn’t want to show off that she’s getting married? What woman wouldn’t want to wear jewelry?” She started to lose control of her voice, as always. “Like, when I was fifteen, I couldn’t have a quinceañera, but my mom still got me the ring because that’s one of the traditions and-and-and-it-just-felt-weird-on-my-skin-and–

Johnny cut across her, placing his hands on her shoulders. “I’ll get a chain. You put the ring on that, and wear it around your neck. Unless you got a thing about necklaces, too…”

See, that was why Daisy had to be with him for the rest of her life. Who thinks of solutions like that? Daisy certainly didn’t, given that all she’s heard in her life was that all these little, insignificant things about her were strange and needed to be stopped. She didn’t know how to get rid of these things, so she held them back. That is, until this man came along and broke her walls down, helped her take her mask off, and heal parts of her that she didn’t even know needed healing… 

“Those better be happy tears,” Johnny said to her as he cupped her cheek.

She nodded, feeling the heavy droplets streamed down her face. She was just so overjoyed that someone finally tried to understand her and work around her ways. Johnny never tried to change her or make her act a certain way. Daisy did all of that herself. She put that pressure on herself, to hide herself from the world and be something she clearly wasn’t, and she burnt herself out.

“I've been at my worst for months, and you still want to be with me,” she muttered in disbelief.

“Hey, I’ve been on my worst behavior for as long as I can remember,” he told her. “Especially in the last year… And you don’t plan on goin’ anywhere, right?”

“Right. I love you, I love all of you.” Daisy couldn’t help the amount of tears falling out of her eyes, nor could she control the wavering of her voice. “I just can’t believe you love all of me too.”

“I’ve always loved you. That ain’t gonna change.” He kissed her sweetly, lingering for a moment. The feeling of his lips brushing on hers just pulled more words out of Daisy.

“I wanna have kids with you, I wanna grow old with you… I wanna see the day you stop dyeing your hair.”

Johnny chuckled and leaned back. “One of those things can happen sooner than the other.”

Daisy thought he was talking about his hair. When she found out he wasn’t, they had to have another conversation.

~

“I would pay big money to see you punch a racist,” Willa said with a laugh several days later. “What did your shrink say about it?”

“That I have underlying anger issues that link back to my mother,” Daisy replied all too casually.

“Shit, I’ll drink to that.”

The two of them clinked their wine glasses and took hefty sips. Since Johnny was out of the house today to create a video game, Daisy took the opportunity to call Willa and try to work things out. They talked about what had happened a couple weeks prior, and it went so well that Willa just came over with a bottle of wine. Daisy told her that her anger was justified, that she should have been kept in the loop. Even if it was just on a need-to-know basis, Willa deserved to know something about her friend’s sudden disappearance. While the two women were different from each other, down to the colors they wore, the one thing that bonded them together was that friends were hard to come by. They couldn’t leave each other behind.

“You sure you’re not pregnant?” Willa asked when Daisy tapped out after a single glass. “It would explain your moodiness.”

“I can be moody about other things,” Daisy replied, settling on the couch under her Tinkerbell blanket. She gestured to the TV. “Like how much of a shit Fernando is for doing Lety so dirty.”

“True… never trust a man in a suit.”

They watched the episode of La fea más bella together, making comments about certain characters and plot points every so often. Daisy had to admit, without Willa there providing witty jokes about the show, she might not have been that into it. She still wasn’t very into it by the time it was over, her brain was just itching to know when the next episode of Grey’s would come out. Not much could ever pull her away from her current interests. They were too special to her.

Willa was also special to her. That was why she had to be the first to know.

“I need to tell you something.”

“You are pregnant?” Willa guessed, not looking up from the TV.

Daisy blinked. “No.”

“PJ finally proposed?”

“Yes.”

Willa nodded and then looked at her friend, a smile on her face. “I’m gonna hug you now.”

It was a tight side hug. Daisy awkwardly patted her friend’s arms and smiled softly. “That’s not what I wanted to tell you, but I figured I could get that out of the way too.”

“What?” Willa immediately let go, surprised. Then she playfully pushed Daisy away. “What could be more important? You’re getting married!”

“My therapist diagnosed me.”

“Oh… like, with a disease?”

Daisy shrugged. “I dunno. Diseases have cures and treatments and things like that. I have to live with social anxiety.”

That was the term Ruth used. Social anxiety. Daisy had heard of regular anxiety, she definitely experienced it herself, but to get anxious from social interaction? It put some of the pieces together. She didn’t know how to act, and while she thought she had done a decent job at hiding that, lately it had been getting harder to keep it up, hence the meltdowns and isolation.

She displayed the symptoms: fear of being judged and humiliated, or concerns about offending someone. Her heart pounded and her legs shook when there was too much happening in a situation. Isolation. Difficulties with relationships. Mind going blank. It all made sense. Or that’s what Daisy told herself. It was something, an explanation. It was a hell of a lot better than the ridicule and backlash she had received throughout her life.

“Does this mean you’re never doing Girls Day again?” Willa asked her after they had talked about it some more. “Social anxiety means you avoid hanging out with people, right?”

“No, I like Girls Day. I like seeing people.” That was the confusing part. Daisy never outright expressed that she hated interacting with others, or that she wanted to avoid doing such a thing. Just because she had spent some time by herself didn’t mean she didn’t miss seeing her friends and family.

She just wasn’t good at being a person, and that made her more than simply just anxious. There’s a difference.

But Ruth was a professional, and she got to know her client over the last few months. If she determined that it was just a case of anxiety, then it probably was. Ruth had been very helpful at making Daisy see things a certain way.

Without the help of therapy, she wouldn’t have been able to realize the manner in which certain family members responded to the engagement news. The fact that she got a “why aren’t you wearing the ring?” before a “ congratulations!” was worth noting. It was like Ruth pointed out before, no one, apart from Gaby, claimed to be happy for Daisy. Of course, Ruth added that that could be expressed in other ways, but the relief that sweet, shy, odd little Daisy Pineda could in fact pull somebody was more present when she dropped that news. That, and the fact that she was not wearing the ring for the time being. Those were the main topics at Gaby’s dining table that weekend.

“Yo tengo una calavera,” Lucia said, holding her hand out and pointing at the tiny skulls engraved in her own wedding band. “I think it’s ugly, but Ed chose it for me, and I will honor that. I would have loved his abuelita’s ring, but what can ya do?”

“I think it’s pretty!” piped up tiny little Annalise, who was overhearing from the couch.

“She also thinks cemeteries are fun,” Lucia muttered in response.

Daisy didn’t understand how Lucia could say so many negative things when her husband wasn’t around. “Why’d you marry Ed if you hate his lifestyle?”

Lucia’s brown eyes widened at the bluntness. Her mouth opened to respond but all that came out was a scoff. But before she could snark back at her cousin, Annalise had padded over wanting her mother’s attention. Lucia pulled her child onto her lap and decided to stay silent.

Before Daisy could figure out why the silence was very loud, aunt Gaby piped up and tried to bring things back around.

“Well, I’m happy you told us.” She gently patted Daisy’s arm as she spoke. “I really thought you eloped and that’s why we didn’t see you for so long. I’m glad we get to be apart of your wedding!”

Daisy didn’t even get to that part. All she had told them was that she was engaged.

“I thought you went off to have a baby,” Lucia added, giving her cousin a once over. “I was expecting you to come back with a bump. I mean you did get bigger, but not in a pregnant way.”

“¡Ay, Lucia!” Gaby snapped as she slapped her other niece’s arm.

Suddenly Daisy was wishing Johnny was here. Her relatives were not this brutal when he was around, even after knowing him for this long. There was something about being more polite around the people you weren’t related to that ran through this family, and it was just another thing she didn’t understand. Were they always this way? Or was the spirit of Natalia Pineda just looming over everyone’s shoulders since her departure?

“Are you gonna have a baby, tia?” Annalise asked, her eyes as wide as her mother’s except with more wonder and innocence.

“I will one day,” Daisy replied. “Do you want a baby when you’re older?”

The child shook her head so hard that her braids whipped and snapped here and there. “Babies are gross.”

That got a chuckle out of the whole table, successfully killing the tension. No one could really disagree with that notion.

Chapter Text

“You want a baby, but you don’t want to carry one?” asked Ruth.

“Yes.”

“You’d prefer… a surrogate? Adoption?”

“Ideally, adoption.”

“But neither of those will happen because…?”

Daisy only played with her fidget cube, waiting for her therapist to finish what she was saying. While unpacking all the past trauma and learning about social anxiety was important, things were happening now that Daisy needed help living with. The upcoming wedding and baby talk were the most pressing matters at the moment. Of course there were other things lurking, like Daisy’s qualms with her mental diagnosis, what she planned to do with her career life, and her growing disdain for her relatives, but those could be unpacked later.

“Why can’t you adopt or find a surrogate?” Ruth asked her after the pause went on for too long.

“Oh. Well, PJ is traditional in some aspects. He wants to have kids by having sex,” Daisy explained.

Ruth blinked and looked down at her clipboard. “Right. And why don’t you?”

“No, I enjoy having sex with him. I enjoy it a lot, and so does he.”

“I meant, why don’t you want to get pregnant?”

Daisy thought about it, even though she really didn’t need to. She had this whole spiel in her mind, well rehearsed and ready to go since she was a preteen. They were the same words she told Johnny only a few weeks ago, and it was the first time Daisy felt bad saying it to someone.

Pregnancy scared the absolute shit out of her. Ever since she had a grasp on the concept, Daisy just knew she couldn’t do that to herself. Learning about pregnancy in health class as a teenager gave her nightmares for weeks, and those nightmares sometimes creeped up in adulthood. As an adult, she never had sex without a condom, and she took her birth control at the exact same second every day (when her brain wasn’t scrambled.) The close calls she had over the last few years left her reeling, and the only reason why it wasn’t a bigger issue between her and Johnny was because he was gone for work so often.

“Why did you feel bad telling that to him?” Ruth inquired.

Daisy sighed heavily, turning the cube over in her hand. “He does things that no one else has ever thought of doing for me. He’s made a lot of changes for my sake. The least I could do is try to change this part of me. I promised him that I would try to warm up to the idea of getting pregnant.”

“Did he ask you to do that? To change your ideals?”

She had to think about that one. Given how little Johnny asks of her, it would be more glaring and obvious if he had this one time. 

“No.”

“So why do you want to change this mindset you have?”

Daisy remembered how Johnny told her that he imagined their “bambinos with your curls and my butt tongue” and it made her heart hurt. It hurt even more that he was ever so kind when she had to tell him that pregnancy was out of the question. Told her that as long as they had little ones running around it was alright.

“I’m not normal,” she said softly. “People wanting to give birth is a normal thing, right? I thought that I could adjust my own expectations the way Johnny has for me so many other times. It’s only fair, right?”

Ruth nodded and took a pause. “You say ‘not normal’ like it’s some awful thing. Daisy, every single person is different, and every single person has their own experiences that shape them in one way or another. Your life experiences require you to have certain needs, and having those needs met is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a very good thing that your partner sees and hears you in that sense, and that he wants you to be okay. Doesn’t that feel good?”

It did, even if there was a strict mom voice in the back of her head telling her otherwise. Daisy’s asking for too much. Daisy just needed to stop acting up. Daisy just needed to grow up and deal with it. Other people have it harder, Daisy was in no place to complain.

It was something to work on, Ruth had told her. Letting go of that negativity takes practice.

~

“Happy birthday,” Daisy clumsily sang before her mouth was occupied by a lime wedge, provided by her fiance.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” he replied, glazed eyes focused on her sucking the juice out. “Thank you for bein’ here with me.”

Where else could she possibly go? There was nowhere else Daisy would rather be, and she would have told him that had he not been so fixated on keeping her mouth occupied.

It was a rather quiet birthday for Johnny this year. Part of that was because he wanted to stay home for Daisy’s sake, and in turn, he was starting to taper off on the partying. When asked about his birthday plans a couple weeks prior, all he requested was that his best girl stay by his side.

That, and he wanted to see Daisy in something sexy. She donned her best satin nightgown, a little pink number she had owned since the early 90s, and was now a little snug. She also braved going to the store to pick up a cake and a bottle of tequila earlier in the day, both of which helped Daisy get out of her own head for tonight. The three shots she had done since Johnny came home from work were very good at not making her think about how the smooth fabric tickled her skin. Daisy scratched at herself like a cat with fleas regardless but she could manage.

“Baby you’re gonna make yourself bleed if you keep doin’ that,” Johnny said as he moved Daisy’s hand from her collarbone. “Ooo, look at that, you’re all red!”

The maroon patch on her skin was warm, only soothed by Johnny’s touch as he ran his thumb over it. Daisy watched his brow furrow while she sucked on the lime wedge, her stomach fluttering when he leaned in to kiss the little patch. She took the wedge out of her mouth and tossed it onto the table, shuddering when the strap of her gown fell down her shoulder. It tickled uncomfortably, but Johnny moved his hand over where the fabric fell, squeezing affectionately.

Just before Daisy could melt into these little but electrifying touches, she quickly remembered it was Johnny’s birthday and touched his chest to gently push him back. She had to treat him, and decided to reach for the cake on the coffee table.

A single bit of cake frosting coated the tip of her index finger as she brought it to Johnny’s mouth. He smirked as he gently sucked the frosting off, not taking his eyes off of her as he did. His lips were sweet to combat her sour ones when they feverishly kissed each other.

From there, it was in record time that the heat rose between them. Johnny’s skin was salty when Daisy kissed down his neck, his chest was warm through his skin tight t-shirt. He was hot and ready under that godforsaken belt buckle, sending Daisy to her knees to try to unclasp it. Johnny was mildly amused as he watched her struggle before doing the task himself like he always did.

“There ya go, baby…”

Something about having his junk toyed with made Johnny talk more than he already did. The lack of speech on Daisy’s part had to be made up somehow, even though her soft hands spoke wonders as they felt the space on Johnny’s thighs and crotch. He was telling her things sweeter than the frosting he ate off her finger, a real contrast to the obscenities she had going on with her mouth.

Daisy was relentless too, even if it wasn’t entirely intentional. The repetitive movement of her head bobbing kept her calm and in the moment. She could focus on Johnny’s words, the wavers in his voice, and the hitching of his breath the longer she went on like that. The tiniest hum came out of her as she felt Johnny’s hand tangle into her hair. Daisy prepared to let herself be used, but was actually surprised to find that her mouth was moved off of him completely.

“Ride me,” Johnny muttered. Then, before Daisy could protest, “Please? It’s been a while.”

She felt her heart race as she looked up at his pretty brown eyes. Slowly and wordlessly, she got to her feet, intending to move onto Johnny’s lap and give him what he so desired. He held his hands out to her, ever so eager with his cheeks flushed a pretty pink.

Hopefully when Daisy had a rhythm going it would make her forget her anxieties. But she still requested a condom, voice was ever so quiet as she uttered the word. That much would be good, right? She wouldn’t panic if there were protections in place. She couldn’t, there was no reason to, right?

She didn’t realize she was staring off into space until Johnny was leaning into her line of vision. Daisy was still standing in front of him, rooted to the spot. She mildly flinched when she felt his hands cup her cheeks.

“I'm sorry,” she breathed out, resigning to the heavy feelings in her body as the warm touch on her face grounded her.

“‘S okay, baby. Sit down.”

Thankfully, Daisy did not spiral into a full meltdown. She sat there on the couch with Johnny and took another shot just to keep the heavy feeling down. It was something Ruth would probably not recommend, but any day that Daisy could avoid breaking down was a good day. Today had to be a good day.

The couple talked a long time about these things. How to navigate this journey they had been on. How to help each other with their own setbacks. Their hopes and fears about having kids together. Where they wanted to be in a few years’ time. You name it, they had a conversation, and that was why Johnny kept his workload close to home these days. They talked and drank and enjoyed cake until Daisy was kissing her fiancé with a deeper understanding and gratitude for simply being there.

~

Most of the wedding was planned during that year of Johnny staying home with Daisy, but Daisy had to do most of the heavy lifting.

This was another issue that had no right being an issue. To Daisy, a wedding was a big party, and we all know her qualms with those things. But just like with the pregnancy thing, she was willing to compromise with Johnny and pick out a white dress and walk down the aisle if it led to spending the rest of her life with him. The more time that passed, the older Daisy got, the more it dawned on her that all paths lead back to that jackass from Tennessee. She could work through the sounds of her mother’s disapproving voice in her head, not only because there were plenty of real life voices in her ear telling her how to go about this, but also because the one voice that mattered was the one that kept her spirit alive.

Whatever you want, doll, you got it. Except it wasn’t true.

What Daisy wanted did not involve talking to snooty venue owners, bitchy florists, impatient caterers, or rude dress shopkeepers. Even having Willa at her side for these meetings, Daisy still left most of them feeling so frustrated. But because her idiotic brain was so small and stupid, most of the vendors gave her the, well you gotta give me something or I can’t help you. Not to mention, when it came to dress shopping, she discovered all these new fabrics that made her want to skin herself alive. Lace was pretty to look at, but felt terrible on her skin. Velvet felt nice but it made her uncomfortably warm. And she already learned the hard way how satin reacted to her skin.

You would think having many options would make things easier. It just made her feel worse. She was lucky to be having so many choices, she was lucky to be in a position to have the biggest, most extravagant wedding ever… and she didn’t fucking want it. She had a man who wanted to give her all the babies she wanted… but she didn’t want them that way. How could her life be such a dream and such a wreck at the exact same time?

The whole thing was put together by the time Johnny had to leave for Oklahoma to shoot a documentary just after the new year. He would spend the first few months of 2008 filming, and the rest of the year being Daisy’s husband. In preparation for that, Daisy went back to throwing herself into learning everything she could about pregnancy, partly because she liked knowing things ahead of time and also because high school health class was too many years ago to remember.

It was strangely addicting, even though learning about teratomas made Daisy shut her laptop and hyperventilate. She went back to reading more once she had calmed down, and that tightness in her chest persisted as she learned about what happens to one’s organs once a human is growing in the uterus. It was hard to shake, both the nerves and the urge to read more.

It just kept going as the days went on. Daisy was all for her routines and repetitive behaviors, especially when it had to do with interests that latched themselves onto her brain. She went from informative articles, magazines, and pamphlets and instead moved onto forums and asking real people about their experiences. She wanted to know the good and the bad, the parts that were worth it and the parts that were hideous. Every little thing she could get her hands on, she wanted it.

That was why, after a couple of weeks of solitude, Daisy called Lucia and asked to meet up for dinner. That prompted Lucia to contact the other cousins, Cecilia and Sofia. What was supposed to be a dinner discussing pregnancy experiences ended up with the cousins bringing their kids over. In other words, it wasn’t what Daisy was expecting and she ended up secluded on the couch with the sobrinos while the other three talked at the dining table.

“We’ll come sit with you in a minute!” said Cecilia at one point, when the nieces and one nephew were curled up around Daisy in front of the TV in the living room.

That was the fourth time Daisy heard that phrase. Everytime she would wait sixty seconds and then call back “It’s been a minute!” only for Cecilia to laugh loudly at something one of the other cousins would say, or one of the nieces asking Daisy something about the cartoon on the screen. 

“Maybe if you’d come and drink with us!” Lucia called out to her, holding up a glass with a colorful liquid.

“And who’s gonna watch your kids?” Daisy shot back, only to get a glare in response. Really, she didn’t feel comfortable leaving four children on their own. They were well behaved, sure, but accidents happened all the time. That was another thing Daisy read about that kept her up at night.

Lucia set the glass down loud enough to make the kids perk their heads up. She opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it as she made eye contact with her daughter, who was curled up on Daisy’s lap.

“Tan mala,” Sofia said with a scoff. “This is why I don’t visit you guys anymore.”

It was true. Sofia didn’t visit often, especially if everyone’s parents were around. The only reason why she came out today was because of Daisy, and that was proven true as she got up from the table and went to join her on the couch.

Lucia muttered something about “if she’s this boring with her boyfriend,” and it didn’t help the disdain that had been simmering in Daisy’s body. If Johnny were here, none of her relatives would even think to say these things around him. They would just say it in Spanish instead, then Daisy would tell Johnny what they said later, and he would find a way to laugh at it and brush it off. That was the hardest part about him being away, it was hard to stay positive. 

But at least Sofia tried to jump to her defense, saying that Daisy and Johnny looked very happy, which only made the other two cousins counter it with they’re not even married. First they pestered Daisy to get engaged, and now that she has it still wasn’t good enough for them? Daisy tried to focus on the cartoon she was watching with the kids, and not on the idea of not inviting her relatives to the wedding.

At some point, the one nephew claimed he was bored and got up to go run around the kitchen, followed by two of the nieces. The only one left on the couch was Annalise, still curled up on Daisy’s lap.

“Go play with your cousins!” Lucia called from the table.

Annalise picked her head up, and then looked up at her auntie. Daisy only shrugged, unsure what to tell her. Sure, maybe it would be good for Annalise to interact with the other kids, but was it a good idea to force her?

It happened very fast. Lucia had appeared in front of the couch, drink in hand. She reached for her 10-year-old and took her by the arm.

“No!” Annalise cried out as she was pulled off the couch. She was quiet and sleepy only a minute ago, the volume in which her little voice increased made Daisy tense her shoulders.

“¡Ya vete! ¡Juega con tus primos!” Lucia snapped as she gently pushed her in the direction the other kids went.

Annalise stomped her little legs as she wandered off, leaving Daisy, Sofia, and Lucia at the couch. Cecilia was watching from the table.

“She’s my daughter but she’s just like you,” Lucia said with a shake of her head. She handed Daisy the colorful drink and asked, “Why don’t you ever wanna sit with us?”

Daisy was very confused, but she accepted the beverage and took a sip. Strong, as always. “You said you would come sit here with me. I was just waiting for you. There were things I wanted to talk about.”

“Oh yeah? Gonna tell me more about what a bad mother I am?” Lucia said back, which was only more confusing.

“No one was saying that,” Sofia spoke up as she got to her feet.

“You wouldn’t know, you’re never here,” Lucia snapped. “But Daisy knows. Tell her what you said to me that day at tia Gaby’s, when you were showing us your ring.”

Suddenly it felt like this was a game that Daisy didn’t know she was a part of. She tried to remember what happened that day, but nothing was out of the ordinary, and she certainly didn’t say anything negative about Lucia’s parenting skills.

“I just talked about getting engaged.”

Cecilia stifled a laugh from the dining table. She covered her mouth for a moment as she got up to join the ladies in the living room. “Maybe we should get another round, yeah?”

“That’s a good idea,” Sofia agreed, gesturing for Lucia to follow her. “Vamos, prima.”

“No. What’s so important that you had to call me and come here, huh?” Lucia took a step closer to where Daisy was sitting, hands on her hips.

Why was this reminding Daisy of her dead mother? She took another sip, hoping the amount of tequila would quiet that haunting thought.

“I just wanted to talk about pregnancy,” she finally replied.

There was a silence before Cecilia cut it with her own voice.

“You’re pregnant?!”

“No she’s not pregnant!” Sofia told her. “Why would she drink the margarita if she was pregnant?”

“I’m so confused,” Daisy mumbled. She involuntarily took in a sharp breath. Was it hot in here?

“You’re playing dumb,” Lucia shot back. “You know what you’re doing, you know exactly what you wanna say, so just say it.”

“I, I don’t– what–”

Lucia then reached down and yanked the cup out of her cousin’s hand, making its contents splash around and hit the floor. “You know what? You can just leave! I don’t even know why you wanted to come over!”

“I told you why,” Daisy said softly, her entire system shocked as she realized how upset Lucia was. “I wanted to talk about pregnancy.”

“We can do that!” Sofia piped up. “C’mon prima, we can go to my house, yeah?”

“But I wanted to talk to all of you.”

“Well, I don’t wanna talk to you,” Lucia spat. “Actually, I don’t even wanna see you here again. You can get out!”

Daisy’s heart silently broke into pieces. She stood up carefully, like her limbs would come apart if she moved too quickly. “What did I do?”

“Ay, tu sabes! No seas chillona, ya vete!”

Daisy quickly wiped the tears that involuntarily spilled, wanting to do right. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean–”

“Just get out!”

Sofia and Cecilia were trying to justify things as Daisy searched for her purse; Lucia had a lot to drink, she didn’t mean any of it. She was just having a bad day.

Maybe that was true. But all Daisy could feel was panic in her veins as she tried to figure out what exactly she did to make Lucia so angry. She just wanted to learn about her cousins’ pregnancy journeys. She just wanted to spend time with them.

But Daisy was no longer welcome. She was supposed to stay longer than a couple of hours and talk about babies but when has anything Daisy wanted gone according to plan? She didn’t even get to say goodbye to the kids as Lucia quickly ushered her out of her home.

It was silent in Daisy’s car as she hauled ass back to the Hills, tears streaming down her face the whole drive and shaking her hand out because all she felt was Lucia physically excluding her from the family.

The moment she stepped over the threshold, Daisy dropped her bag down on the floor and leaned against the front door, big emotions still constricting her throat and washing over the rest of her body. She thought she had cried it all out in the car, but as soon as she was completely unoccupied, it crashed down on her. What was the fucking point of being with her family if all she did was hurt them and make them angry? It was no wonder they didn’t want to sit with her.

Before she could meltdown into another spell, Daisy’s phone rang in her purse. Tear stricken, she looked up at the clock on the wall, remembering what time it was in Oklahoma. She took several shaky breaths as she got down on her knees to dig through her purse and pull out the device. She flipped it open and pressed it to her ear, managing to get out a convincing hullo?

“Daisy-doll!”

“That’s me.” A little smile began forming at the sound of Johnny’s infectious optimism.

“Were you asleep or somethin’? You sound a little hazy. You been drinking?” The smile was evident in his voice.