Chapter Text
A BETTER MEAN GIRLS ENDING
By
ME
CHAPTER 1
FADE IN:
INT EVANSTON HALLWAY, JUST BEFORE LUNCH — DAY
[Action]
JANIS
Take a flyer! Hey you, you, take a flyer!
Janis has aggressively shoved a flyer into the hands of a passing student.
DAMIAN
It’s the big musical! The Adam Shankman version of Hairspray? With Zac Efron? Come on, we finally have enough black students in chorus!
JANIS
Principal Duvall doesn’t count as a black student.
CUT TO
A flashback plays of Principal Duvall dancing awkwardly to New Girl In Town
CUT TO
Janis and Damian are both snorting with laughter
DAMIAN
Hey, remember when Dawn Schweitzer tried out for The Wiz and chipped a tooth?
JANIS
No, I had my appendix out that day. I don’t know what the burnouts are talking about, being high sucked.
DAMIAN
Well all I did was mention it in gym class this morning, and she threw a baseball at my head!
A curly haired girl in a wheelchair picks up a casting sheet. The camera zooms in on her circling the role of Dancer #1
CUT TO:
The camera zooms in on Regina George looking perplexed with a slight smile. In the background, Damian and Janis argue about where to put the flyers. The camera pans to show Regina looking at the audition sign up sheet on the pinboard. GRETCHEN WEINERS walks up behind her
GRETCHEN
Are you thinking about going to the Asian Food Festival? Well don’t even bother, Trang Pak told me that they’re going to have a General Tsaos buffet! I mean, that is so out of touch!
Gretchen pats Regina on the shoulder in a surprisingly friendly way before flouncing off, tossing her hair as she goes. Regina rolls her eyes but eventually smiles.
CUT TO
INT EVANSTON GYMNASIUM - DAY
It is Hairspray auditions and things are embarrassing. Damian is a flawless Mrs. Turnblad, but next to him is KEVIN G wearing a very oversized purple suit.
DAMIAN
Look, Kevin...
Damian sighs heavily
DAMIAN
You’re the only one who tried out to be Corny Colin, so you’re probably going to get the role but
please, don’t air hump anymore. That was unacceptable on camera back then.
KEVIN
Got it. I’m gonna use my animal magnetism on the audience. Ooh, I’m Corny Colin, and I’m rollin, and –
JANIS
Kevin, get out!
Kevin winks and flounces off
DAMIAN
I’m glad you dumped him, I couldn’t take the Austin Powers impressions.
JANIS
Tell me about it!
CUT TO
Regina is standing in the corner of the gym out of sight, wearing a bizarrely accurate 1960s outfit. She clenches her fist and stamps her feet, before stepping into view.
JANIS
Gym’s closed for auditions, you’ll have to beat up your lacrosse teammates tomorrow.
DAMIAN
Oh my god, is that a real poodle skirt?
REGINA
My grandmother gave it to me, she said it’d make me look less mature. I’m here to audition for the role of Velma von Tussle, she reminds me of my mom. This is where you audition, right? Wow Damian, you look just like my grandma!
DAMIAN
Hmm, I think you’d be great as Velma Von Tussle!
Damien rolls his eyes and nods at Janis.
JANIS
Oh, for sure! Here Regina, read these lines..
Damian rummages around for a script, while Regina smiles confidently, undaunted by the challenge.
REGINA
Oh don’t worry! I already prepared.
She begins to get in character for the Miss Baltimore Crabs number.
CUT TO
The camera cuts to Regina finishing up the song, singing in a surprisingly good deep-voiced impression of the character. At some point in the routine she has removed the poodle skirt, revealing a pageant-style tighter dress
REGINA
Those poor runner ups, might still hold some grudges, they padded their cups, but I screwed the judges!
Regina winks at Janis and Damian. Damian snorts, but Janis’s mouth falls open. Damian starts laughing until Janis elbows him in the ribs.
REGINA
Those broads thought they’d win, if a plate they would spin in their dance! Ooh, not a chance! Uh, Janis?
JANIS
Huh? What?
REGINA
My performance? Was it good? Damian, is something wrong?
DAMIAN
What she means to say is that nobody else auditioned for that part, and nobody else bothers to practice, so you’ll get it. Does your grandmother have any old waspy cougar clothes? Our costume budget got cut.
REGINA
No, but my mom does!
Damian pulls Regina over to the side of the gym, stepping over a deflated kickball
DAMIAN
You know, I am so happy that someone actually put effort into auditioning. I mean when I auditioned, nobody else even gave a damn!
CUT TO
A flashback of the tryouts for Mrs. Turnblad plays. JASON is in a dress, his friends giggling and jeering. KAREN is wearing a barely fitting version of Queen Latifah’s red dress, hair in rollers.
JASON
Would you turn that racket down? I’m trying to arn here!
KAREN
Wait, is that how iron is actually pronounced?
CUT TO
Present day, Damian is facepalming while Janis has turned around to rethink her life
REGINA
Don’t worry, I know how to act and stuff. I really did do those car commercials! Hey Damian, I think you’d like Tokyo.
JANIS
Why, because it’s full of pastel clothing? Damian’s more complicated than that!
Janis leaves the gym, shaking her head and muttering to herself. Damian and Regina both shrug.
CUT TO
INT EVANSTON CAFETERIA - DAY
DAMIAN
Are you sure you’re okay? Is this because Kevin was there?
JANIS
Of course not, I wouldn’t devote a floppy disk of space to Kevin! You know, there’s no reason Regina should be that good at singing, she must have taken voice lessons!
DAMIAN
Even if she did, that’s a good thing. When we did Grease we almost broke glass half the time we sang Beauty School Dropout.
JANIS
I know it’s a good thing! I just can’t spend time with her, okay?
Janis picks up her tray and marches out of the cafeteria, while Damian stares after her in bemusement