Chapter Text
Winter did not feel right.
The scowling IceWing stared at the scavengers, watching all of them work together to make another makeshift hut in the preservation set he had made for them. Over the past year, it had been a comforting sight, watching their shared empathy, their ability to make things beyond anything he had read or been told about. It used to bring him bursts of happiness seeing them all, and even a measure of satisfaction in helping them out.
This is. This is where I want to be. Those were his thoughts at the time, and at first it was even a feeling of atonement. A place to bury himself in twinkling little bits of joy he helped cultivate. A place to live on his own and work toward himself after everything that had happened with Darkstalker.
But nothing has changed. I’m still a dragon forced to be all alone. Back within my own hall of mirrors.
Sure, Kinkajou had stopped by every now and then, sometimes with letters from Qibli, or even Moon… occasionally. He still gave her a bit of a cold look whenever he saw her, but truthfully inside those letters were EVERYTHING to him. He needed to hear from them. There were no real words to say it explicitly, but for the past year, it’s just been… a cut off from all the people he wanted to be with.
And taking care of scavengers was not filling that hole. Nothing was, and ‘working’ on himself, hah. Winter guessed that’s a comforting way for some to call dealing with mental demons…
…and so, his mind drifted back to them once more.
I shouldn’t have yelled. I shouldn’t have said anything back. I shouldn’t have done anything. I miss them I miss them I miss them I miss them I miss them I miss them I miss them
Over months they were regrets, now they were icicles puncturing his scales. Looking at all the little scavengers moving together in harmony was not a proxy feeling that comforted him anymore, he KNEW that. A medicine that no longer healed, instead painfully reminding him more of what he had lost with every passing week.
But the worst part is that he didn’t even believe his mantra anymore. Those repetitious apologies. There was something wrong in them, something disgusting and noxious, rimmed with bile and discord. They didn’t feel like the truth. His heart would not turn, it was NOT his fault, it WASN’T anything to do with himself. He remembered those spiteful words that came out of his mouth, the scene in endless playback.
Darkstalker was EVIL. Everything he did was not ok, after everything with his brother, all of the pain and discombobulate feelings he inserted into me. NONE OF THAT IS ACCEPTABLE. I WISH I COULD’VE KILLED HIM WITH MY OWN TALONS. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY AM I THE ONE TO BE HERE IT’S NOT FAIR NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS-
The little screams brought him back out, in the mire of his thoughts he had toppled over with his tail a makeshift stone tower he had built on the edge of the scavenger sanctuary. He breathed slowly, collecting himself again, then got to rebuilding.
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Kinkajou came by the next day, but this time he had no words for her. It was painful enough to act this time, only energy left to deal with her words and watch her leave. He probably looked nothing but pitiable to Kinikajou. Winter remembered that ‘cute’ RainWing being a light for him alongside Moon and the rest of his friends. Talking with all the amount of heart she had, but now every time she came by it was like a depressing checkup. And it always felt judgmental, even if Kinkajou didn’t mean it. Her looks were slowly becoming faces of light sorrow, scales rippling with bluish gray no matter how much she may have attempted to hide it. Today there had even been tension, unable to collect his feelings together and hide it back behind crystal ice he acted colder than ever. So, she just dropped the letter slowly, and left.
It’s like I’m one of those patients at the new hospital in the Sky Kingdom Qibli mentioned. I’m just getting worse. Might as well be on some sort of disgusting ‘life support.’ What would my family say, seeing me now? They’re probably even gladder they picked Hailstorm above me.
I wish I knew how he was doing though. But I can’t go back, not like this.
Winter shook his head, dissuading the mournful thoughts away from collecting again. Instead, he slowly took the letter in his hands, talons piercing the seal and letting the scroll loose. And then he started to read.
“To Winter,
Kinkajou keeps telling me you’re getting worse. You probably didn’t want me to lead into that, but I think honesty might as well be-“
Hah, honesty. Like when am I going to find out about Darkstalker? Winter almost tore the letter to shreds right there but thinking of Qibli again made him keep reading.
“-the best thing to start with. I’m starting to worry about you every day. And whether you like it or not I’m coming over. I’ll be staying with you for a week. I talked to Moon for a long time about this and I want to help you. Plus, I bet it really does feel lonely over there. Especially since you decided not to go back to the Ice Kingdom after Snowfall let you. You know you can’t change my mind about this, so it better not be the first thing you talk about when I get over there. Please.
-Qibli”
Winter hated how much his heart soared. The idea of seeing that smirk grin of that ever-so-loyal SandWing brought him more excitement than he’d felt in a long time. And he was most certainly not going to tell him that.
If he makes a joke first thing I’m going to kill him.
That was a lie. Winter himself knew he probably doesn’t have the energy to do much of anything like that.
I want him here. But I don’t. I hate him. I hate EVERYTHING he’s done. I’d rip him to shreds if I could for what he’s left me like- it’s their fault it’s theirs-
Qibli please arrive soon I need you here as soon as you can be.