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The trade to New Jersy wasn’t his first, but it hurt so much more to be traded away from a team where he’d finally managed to put down roots. Where he’d finally felt safe and accepted as part of the family.
It wasn’t until late in the season that he finally found himself back in Colorado, back home. Sure Jersy was nice, the guys were welcoming and kind but it wasn’t the same. On the Avalanche he never had to sleep alone, he never had to be alone, there was always an open door. Even in the rare event that Gabe and all of the alternates were busy, Ryan was always welcomed with open arms by Cale or Josty or any number of the younger guys who had no team designated responsibility to babysit a broken defenceman like him.
He had people in Jersey, Nico was a great captain and Subby was a veteran on the blue line who knew how to take care of those who needed it but Nico was always too busy with the forward and PK had his own life to deal with. Thank god for Dougie, if not for the older D-man Ryan wouldn’t have handled the transition half as well as he did but even Dougie pulled away sometimes busy with his long-distance partners back in Carolina. Safe to say that Ryan had had the date of their game in Colorado circled since the day he landed in New Jersey.
With the Avalanche on the 2nd half of a back to back, he hadn’t been able to see any of his guys before the game and he could feel the pressure building in the back of his head a mix of stress and anticipation at the idea of seeing the people he missed so much.
They all still texted him, nobody had removed him from any of the unofficial Avalanche group chats and they all reached out to him individually regularly but it wasn’t the same and it made what he knew he was missing all the more obvious so his responses had become more and more dry and the time between his replies got longer and longer.
He’d still made plans to stay over with EJ before the Devils had to fly out again, they were going to have a ‘D-core sleepover’ Erik’s words not his and if Ryan was completely honest, he was probably more nervous for that than the game. He missed them all so much but part of him knew that they weren’t his anymore, the second he got traded he forfeit his rights to being included in the family they’d made.
–
The game was going about as well as a game could go when you played for the New Jersey Devils. It was early in the first and the score was still thankfully tied at 0 to 0 when the hit came. Hits were part of hockey and Ryan was a big guy who knew how to take the roughness that came with the sport but it was the words growled under EJ’s breath after the hit was landed that really managed to find their mark.
“Don’t hit my fucking boy’s.”
Pretty par for the course as far as shit talking goes, if you could even go so far as to call it shit-talking and Ryan knew that EJ in particular was rarely malicious with his words. That just made it hurt so much more the matter of fact tone in which EJ had so easily denounced Ryan’s position as part of their little family. ‘My Boys’ kept rattling around in his brain, how that phrase from EJ’s mouth once brought the warm comfort of knowing he had a place where he belonged now brought the ice-cold realisation of loneliness.
How could he be so dumb to believe they still wanted him, he thought that if he clung on to the past, clung onto that familial warmth that he could make it last. That he could make it work. They probably only treated him so well during his time in Colorado because they knew that they couldn’t afford to have him playing below average, this whole time their kindness was only a ruse to ensure he’d be an effective part of the team and now that he was no longer on the team there was no need to keep the pretences up. Ryan felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“You alright?” Dougie's voice came as he felt a big hand on his shoulder.
Ryan nodded shaking his head so that the hair in his helmet would be let loose and cover his eyes so that no one could see the tears building up in their corners.
–
He always knew it was going to be a hard game, the as good as last-place Devils against the unable to lose Avalanche. The easily tradable fuck vs. everyone who was good enough to earn their spot. Ryan was the last one out of the showers, the water beating down on his face made it easy to hide the tears that managed to escape and the scalding heat took away the aches and pains of where he’d been hit by the people he loved. The people he thought loved him.
He’d taken so long in the showers that the locker room completely was empty even after the additional time set aside for media. His stall was the only one with gear still in it, Ryan felt a sense of longing wash over him as he realised it would be another full year before he’d be back here again and before he could stop it he felt the tears overwhelming him again. Finally, after holding back the whole game he gave in and let the sadness consume him as he sobbed loudly and openly on the away locker room floor.
“Oh, honey.” Ryan heard a soft accented voice from the door but he couldn’t bring himself to look up even as he felt arms wrapping around his shaking body. “Oh, Mon Chum. What’s this about?”
Ryan knew it was Sammy, even before he’d entered the room but he didn’t trust himself to speak so he just let Sam’s words wash over him.
“Hang on baby, I’ll call EJ.”
That finally broke Ryan as he sobbed harder and desperately tried to get the words out straight as Sammy held him.
“Please don’t call EJ.” He hiccupped sadly, “I don’t deserve it I’m not with you guys anymore I’m not…” He broke himself off unable to for the words out straight, “I’m not his boy anymore Sammy.”
“Merde,” Sammy said so softly that Ryan could barely make it out over the sound of his own crying. What he could make out however was the sound of Sam’s ringing phone.
“No, please.” He tried desperately his voice wrecked from crying and unable to summon the strength of any conviction.
Sam spoke right over the top of his weak protests.
“Erik I swear to god you better get over here now. Bring Gabe too and maybe Cale.”
Something he can’t quite make out from the other end of the line and then Sam’s speaking again.
“No, I don’t want to overwhelm him with too many people definitely not any of the new guys he already thinks he's been repl-”
Ryan tunes out after that determined to wallow in self-pity while he still can, if Gabe and EJ really are coming then he doesn’t want to look any more pathetic than they must already think he is.
“Why Sammy,” He squeezes out once he’s run out of tears to cry, “Why do you have to embarrass me in front of them too.”
-
Ryans has his eyes closed as tight as he can squish them together when he hears footsteps approaching and he flips himself over to bury his face further into Sammy’s lap. He feels a large hand come up to stroke his messy hair away from his face.
“Hey, baby.” Ryan knows that’s EJ and if he’s here then Gabe’s probably here too, Instead of responding with words he just lets out a sad whine. “Sammy said you were upset but we didn’t think it would be this bad. Can you tell us what’s wrong
Ryan wants to ball his fists up and throw them against the ground, kicking his legs and whaling like a toddler but he knows that urge will pass and that it’s a bad idea. That doesn’t mean he wants to talk though.
Another set of hands come to rest at his side gently tugging to flip him over.
“I’m sorry.” He stutters out finally finding the strength to force words out.
“Alskling, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Gabe goes to cut him off.
“No, no,” Ryan’s determined to say his piece now. “I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough, I’m sorry I got traded and I’m sorry I was stupid enough to think I still have a place with you when you probably didn’t even want me in the first place.
A silence rings out across the locker room as if Ryan had yelled and not spoken softly hiccuping his way through.
“I’m sorry that you don’t want me.” He finally breaks the silence with words that cut like the final knife in his own back.
“Baby,” EJ begins but there's an awkward pause as he has to gather his thoughts “Of course we want you, we all love you so much.”
Finally opening his eyes Ryan is met with Sam, Cale, Gabe and EJ all staring down at him. EJ scooped him up effortlessly despite Ryan’s extra inch of height and held him against his chest bridal style. It’s more than a little as Ryan’s long limbs refuse to be contained but with EJ’s determination, he’s kept there. In the arms of one of the men he loves.
“You’ll always be ours no matter where you’re playing,” EJ whispers against his ear. “We were all so worried when you stopped texting back but we didn’t want to rush you. Didn’t want to force you.”
“Come on Ryan,” Cale finally pipes up, “You’re coming back to EJ’s with us right?”
Ryan just nods dumbly, he never hears people call him by his first name anymore.
“We might have to make it a whole Team event instead of your special D-man bonding,” Gabe says sincerely.
For the 100th time today he can feel his eyes beginning to water but for once it’s with happy tears.