Chapter Text
the wind against sunnys face is soothing yet painful.
the hospital is taller than most buildings in the area, and the rooftop is at a great height; the hospital is just outside of town.
what happened the night before gives sunny shivers.
his eye is still throbbing and he can feel his heartbeat in the right side of his head, he’s dizzy and in pain yet he stays standing at the rooftop - gazing out to the baby blue sky which is dusted with clouds of all sorts of shapes.
it’s a long way down.
does sunny want to jump?
he doesn’t know.
it’s scary.
everything is so… scary.
he tried to help himself. he tried to face his guilt head-on, and face it without the help of others, but he just couldn’t do it.
he can’t do it.
it’s just too hard.
sunny thinks about how disappointed mari would be.
if she was still here, he would never had been in this situation.
he wouldn’t be standing on the rooftop, feeling the soft breeze make his hospital gown flutter.
tears begin to flow out of his good eye; the tear glands on his bad one are completely ruined beyond repair.
he rubs his fist against his eye, curling up into a ball.
“mari,” sunny chokes out to himself, only hoping mari would say something back, “i’m so sorry, mari, it’s all my fault.”
sunnys tears only flow the more he thinks about her.
it’s all his fault.
sunny killed her and it’s all his fault.
hero loved her, but she’s gone.
kel loved her, but she’s gone.
aubrey loved her, but she’s gone.
sunny loved her.
but she’s gone.
mari is gone and there’s no returning for her.
the words inside his head repeat until it’s the only thing he can think about.
‘mari is gone and it’s all your fault,’ it says, ‘never will she ever forgive you for the sin that you’ve held onto for so long.’
the voice is right.
OMORI is right.
if sunny is such a terrible person - if all his purpose is just to burden others - then what’s the point of going on?
suddenly the air feels cold.
it’s not raining, or snowing, or even drizzling, it’s still as sunny as can be.
‘in loving memory of: mari,’ sunny recalls maris name etched onto the rock permanently held in the churches graveyard, ‘the sun shined brighter when she was here.’
all of this could have been avoided.
it’s all his fault.
he wishes to feel maris warm presence around him, her sweet, milky soft arms against his skin, hushing sweet nothings into his ear. she always made sunny feel better.
sunny backs away from the broken railing, he wonders how it ended up like that.
instead, he leans against the sealed railing that’s sturdy enough to hold half his weight.
sunny doesn’t know what to do.
he’s a mess.
he can’t think straight. all he can do is consume the guilt and bury it deep, so deep that he prays it just doesn’t show itself again.
sunny just wants to go home.
he just wants to go back to headspace.
to be safe.
to be safe with mari, with basil, with everyone, despite the repeating events that have occurred in headspace for four years.
at least mari is always there.
safely secured by her picnic blanket.
at least basil is there. for a short while, at least.
at least kel is there.
at least aubrey and hero are there.
at least in headspace they don’t all have this burning hatred that formed deep down when sunny shut himself off from society.
fuck, what the hell is wrong with him?
why can’t he just consider other peoples feelings?
why hasn’t he thought about how his actions affect others? why didn’t he think about the consequences when he threw down his violin?
when he pushed mari? when he silently carried mari out to his favourite tree?
sunnys thoughts are rapid. he can’t tell what he’s thinking.
waves of guilt and shame wash over him, showering him in words of hatred.
he shuts his eyes.
why won’t white space just appear yet?
come on.
welcome sunny.
please.
welcome to white space.
he has been living here for as long as he can remember, remember?
come on, please, just welcome sunny with the warm embrace of mari, real or not.
“sunny?” he hears kels voice say. what is he doing up here? “sunny, what are you doing up here? we came to visit you, but you weren’t in your bed… we feared something bad happened.”
kels voice sounds worried. why would he be worried for such a sinner like sunny?
sunnys breathing becomes erratic and fast. his heartbeat grows into a quick pace he’s gotten used to over the years.
sunny quickly stands up, only to back as far away as he can from kel. why would kel want to be around such a burdensome child?
“sunny,” kel says. shut up. please. don’t say that name. please. “sunny, please, calm down,”
sunny doesn’t go anywhere near kel.
why? he’s not sure.
he doesn’t want to burden kel the same way he’s burdened everybody else.
sunnys world gets embraced with warmth when the feeling of kels arms snake around his torso. jesus, he stinks. at least in the four years sunny isolated in fits of sadness, guilt, anxiety and depression, he still showered.
he couldn’t handle the feeling of feeling dirty.
“sunny,” kel says once again, sunnys breathing slowing. “sunny, why are you not in bed? you’re supposed to be resting…”
he can’t tell kel why.
he’ll only burden him.
“kel…” sunny says, though quiet, “kel, please go… please…”
“what? no, i can’t just leave you.” kel squeezes sunny tighter. fuck, his head hurts. “sunny, please tell me what’s wrong.”
sunny shakes his head, not hugging kel back.
“sunny, please,”
“kel… i’m sorry. it’s all my fault.” sunny sobs. he can’t stop the tears.
“what’s your fault? mari?” sunny nods. sunny wants to tell kel the truth so bad. “sunny, no, what happened is not your fault. you couldn’t have known. she never told us she felt the way she did…”
sunny shakes his head. he opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
his throat is dry like the sahara desert, preventing anything from coming out. instead of saying the words he’d like to say, he sobs instead.
kel gently pets sunnys back, gently pets his hair. the feeling soothes him. his pace of breathing and his heart rate is back to normal, slow and steady, as all things should be.
sunny knows the journey to healing is a slow and steady ride. but he was so close.
why did he just give up? is he really that pathetic?
the two boys gently fall to the floor, sunny is now hugging kel back, though loosely.
“sunny, let’s get you back to bed,” kel says, letting go of sunny. sunny feels disappointed at the lack of kels warm embrace, but he stands up with kels help. “you need to rest. i can’t imagine the pain you’re in right now.”
“can i stay up here a little longer?” sunny asks, his voice is quiet and shaky from his previous sobs.
kel nods with a smile, and leaves the rooftop through the door that leads to the stairs.
sunny walks back in front of the broken railing.
the wind is still breezy and cold, but not as cold as when he was crying all alone.
sunnys face is shallow and blank.
sunny no longer cares for the world.
he no longer cares that people may suffer if he falls, because what does sunny have to do about it? sunny will be gone.
sunny will be mari, and that’s all that matters.
he just wants to see mari.
it’s a long way down.
would sunny like to jump?
yes.