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I don’t know this place.
That was the thought that started it all, at least that night. Kazuma jolted up, breathing hastily, his eyes darting around the dark room. He didn’t recognize it…
He was forgetting again. No, I’m not… I can’t be… He knew it was just a matter of time. No, no… Not again… He would become that husk of a person once again. Please, not again…
He tried to hold onto his own mind, but the more he tried, the foggiest it became. His head hurt… His chest hurt… He couldn’t breathe…
No, wait… This isn’t right. I know this place, don’t I…?
He inhaled deeply, trying to clear his head. It took a while, but, as his breath steadied, everything started to come back to him: his name was Kazuma Asogi, he had been living in London for over a year, studying to become a prosecutor. That place… That’s right, it’s Barok’s bedroom.
Panic slowly started to subside. The place seemed unfamiliar because it was his first night sleeping in that bedroom instead of the guest room. It’s alright… You’re not forgetting… Everything is fine.
“Kazuma?”
The low voice startled him, but he managed to control his urge to look over his shoulder. He hastily dried the tears with the back of his hand, trying to slow his breath enough to sound calm.
“Sorry,” he said, “did I wake you?”
It didn’t work… His voice trembled as he spoke, making Barok sit up, looking at his face.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, concerned. “Did you have a nightmare?”
Oh, God… What a terrible way to end their first night together…
“Yes…” said Kazuma. “Something like that.”
“What do you mean? Are you feeling sick?”
He wished Barok would just accept his answers and go back to sleep. “No, I… It’s nothing, really.”
“Please, don’t lie to me.” Barok placed a hand on Kazuma’s chin, carefully turning his face toward him. “You’re clearly upset by something. What’s the matter?”
Kazuma didn’t answer immediately, keeping his gaze low. He didn’t want to argue with Barok over something like that, but… He didn’t like the idea of talking about it. It was such a stupid thing, and yet, it affected him so much… He glanced at Barok, who simply watched him, waiting for him to talk—so, Kazuma did, despite not knowing what kind of reaction to expect.
“Sometimes, it feels like everything is slipping out of my mind again, and… I can’t even tell when it’s real or not.” He could feel the tears coming again as he spoke, but made an effort to continue. “I sometimes wonder… I’ve forgotten about everything once, so… what if it happens again? What if my memories only came back for a brief time? What if I go back to being that empty husk of a person?”
“It won’t happen again.”
“You’re right…” Kazuma forced a small laugh. “Sorry for bothering you with this in the middle of the night.”
“There is nothing to apologize for.” Barok brought a hand to Kazuma’s head, caressing his hair. “Is this the first time such a thing happens?”
“No.”
“How often does it happen?”
Kazuma averted his gaze, uncomfortable. “Sometimes.”
Barok seemed bothered by the response. “And you go through it alone?”
“It gets better after a while.”
A sharp pain took Kazuma’s head, leaving him nauseous. He grunted, leaning forward, crossing his arms over his bent shoulders and resting his head over them. It was a common thing to happen in those situations, which didn’t make it any less unpleasant.
“What’s the matter?” asked Barok. “Are you in pain?”
“Just a headache. It’s normal, don’t worry.”
“Normal?” Barok repeated, sounding unsure. “Have you tried talking to a doctor about it?”
“Ah, yes…” Kazuma gave a small shrug. “There’s nothing wrong with me. This just…” He stopped talking as his chest started to tighten again. “Sorry, it’s a little difficult to talk right now.”
“Of course…” Barok placed a hand on his back and another on his shoulder, helping him lay back on the bed. “Lie down for a moment. I’ll get you some water.”
Kazuma didn’t protest, covering his eyes with an arm, hearing Barok leave the bedroom. He couldn’t tell if Barok’s concerned reaction made him feel relieved or even more guilty—he was thankful, of course, but also… that man had plenty of worries on his mind, and didn’t need to add Kazuma’s problems to that pile.
Barok returned a while later with a glass of water. “Here… Drink some water.”
“Thank you.”
Kazuma sat up, taking the glass from Barok’s hand, slowly drinking from it. Barok waited until he was done, then took the glass, placing it on the bedside table while Kazuma lay down once again.
“Is there anything else I can do?” asked Barok.
“No, it’s fine. It’ll get better soon.”
“Very well.” Barok thought for a moment. “Would you rather be alone for a while?”
Kazuma had to consider it: he never had someone witness one of those moments before, so he was used to being alone through them. Yet, Barok’s presence wasn’t unwelcome.
“No,” he said. “It’s fine like this.”
Barok nodded, then lay beside Kazuma, lightly touching his face with his fingers. “Tell me if it worsens.”
Kazuma hummed in response, closing his eyes. Barok’s slightly cold touch was comforting… Kazuma moved closer, resting his head on Barok’s chest, and Barok responded by holding him close, caressing his back.
They stayed like that for a long while, and little by little Kazuma’s body relaxed, that strange feeling of agony dissipating. He thought Barok had fallen asleep again, so it was surprising to hear his voice.
“Are you feeling better?”
Kazuma raised his head. “Yes.”
“Good.” Barok looked him in the eyes, serious. “Kazuma… If this happens again while you’re here, you can wake me up. And, if you ever need to talk about it, you can come to me. Just, please, don’t go through it alone.”
“It gets better after a while.”
“I know.” Barok caressed his head. “But, please… Just promise me this, won’t you?”
It was hard to refuse when he asked it like that. Kazuma sighed. “Alright.”
“Thank you.”
Unsure of what else to say, Kazuma forced a small laugh. “I hope you’re not regretting inviting me to spend the night…”
He said it in a humorous tone, but the concern was real: what if Barok realized that he was more trouble than he was worth? They hadn’t been together for more than a few months… It was possible that, as he got to see those sides of him, Barok would lose his interest in—
“I’m glad I did,” said Barok. “You’d keep hiding your worries from me, otherwise.”
His words brought a slight pain to Kazuma’s chest: he loved that man. It was scary how much he loved him, because something in his mind kept saying that relationship wouldn’t last… That Barok was only with him because he was lonely… That he would be happier with anyone other than the man who almost sentenced him to death.
But then Barok held him gently and kissed his face, whispering sweet words of comfort… and part of Kazuma wanted to believe that he loved him just as much.
Despite his uneasiness, Kazuma made an effort to do as Barok had asked him, letting him know when something was wrong and talking more about his fears. As a result, Barok started to do the same, opening up to him about concerns Kazuma didn’t know were still in his mind.
It was surprising how letting those feelings out instead of bottling them up helped things get better more easily. Sometimes, the aftereffects of those moments could last days… But, recently, they hadn’t lasted nearly as long.
All thanks to that man, who offered him nothing but love and support. The thought was enough to bring a silly smile to his face: he never thought he would be one of those hopelessly in love people, but there he was…
And now, he needed to let some of that affection out. Kazuma stood up from his cushion, then approached Barok from the side, placing his arms around his neck, burying his face on his shoulder.
“May I ask what you’re doing?” asked Barok.
His words made Kazuma laugh to himself. “Forgive my boldness, sir. I was just feeling a little lonely.”
“Is that so?” Barok raised his hand, caressing Kazuma’s head. “And are you feeling better now?”
Kazuma groaned. “Just a little longer…”
A small, amused chuckle escaped Barok’s lips. “How unusual, for you to be this affectionate in the middle of the day…”
“Why don’t you enjoy it while it lasts?”
“I suppose I will.”
Kazuma grinned to himself, then pressed a kiss on the side of Barok’s neck. “Barok… I love you.”
Barok turned to face him. He brought a hand to Kazuma’s chin, gently pulling him into a brief kiss. “And I love you,” he whispered.
And, after all that time, he didn’t doubt it.