Chapter Text
The sun hasn't woke up as Yuto stretched his arms and yawned. He looked outside through his window that is beside his bed, and an earthy scent just occupied his nose. So it rained yesterday night while I'm sleeping, he thought.
He was already preparing for his morning routine when he realized that it was his first day at the university that he had dreamt of going to and that he had almost forgotten it. He then rushes to his dusty cabinet just on the right side of the room and tries to find his old black bag, sweeping away the scattered things on the floor to find some necessary things that will help him survive, somehow, the life inside the university.
And soon, he settles down. He got the money, the bag, some papers and a notebook, clothes, headphones, and, luckily, a pen lurking inside the closet. He didn't even bother to look in the mirror because he always wore the same thing every day—black top and bottoms.
He locked his apartment and started walking towards the bus stop. It will take him at least two hours to arrive at his destination.
—
The guards at the gate looked up at him as he walked past them. From there, his life is now cumbersome. It’s like a portal to another world. The school is big and he knew about that, all because he'd been the one who enrolled for himself. He remembered the first time he came to Korea and struggled to talk to anyone except for his father and a small circle of Korean friends that helped him with his studies. Now, he considers himself a pro when it comes to the language.
The bell rang.
He started to walk away from the crowd as someone pats him in the shoulder, “Hey! Uhm... Adachi Yuto, is that your name?”
He looked at his back and saw a guy that was smaller than him who was smiling brightly with a tint of red on his cheeks. He nodded as an answer.
“Here’s your keys on the dormitory where you’ll stay and—”
“Hyunggu! We’re going to be late!” someone shouted on the smaller guy whose name is actually Hyunggu. Hyunggu smiled once again on Yuto with a pleading look and walked away to join his friend.
—
“315,” Yuto said in front of a door with the number 315 on it that matches the ones on his key.
A scream can be heard as Yuto opened the door.
“NO! How many times do I have to tell you that it’s going to—”
Yuto flinched and covered his ears. The door was now open widely, and he found a person inside who was in front of a computer. That guy immediately ended the call with someone and put down his phone as soon as he saw the stranger. He looked at Yuto with a confused look, then crinkled his nose and looked at the ceiling, then back again at him.
“Oh... you must be my roommate...”
Yuto is not sure if the guy is disappointed or not but he didn’t mind it and started to walk inside.
“Finally! I’m waiting for you! Oh my god I thought I’m going to be alone in this room for the whole year or that my roommate, I mean you, will not show up.”
The guy looks much older than he is. He’s probably in his last year of college. The guy later introduced himself as "Hoetaek, who majors in music."
—
“Adachi!” a loud shout can be heard across the room where Yuto will have his first class.
The students looked at the person who shouted. Yuto glared on the guy and shook his head, “Shinwon.”
Shinwon came running to Yuto and hugged him. Another guy in shades came after Shinwon that made the girls stare in awe for his looks.
“Hongseok! Over here!”
Yuto smiled as he met his friends again. Although they’re not in the same years and majors, no one can separate them. Hongseok and Shinwon are the only friends he had in the past few years. Even though he considered himself the black sheep of the group, the two never let him feel that he didn’t belong. And the only reason he wants to study at this university is because of them.
“Miss me?” Hongseok asked as he reached the boys and sat down beside Yuto.
“We just met yesterday,” Shinwon scoffs as he sit on the other side of Yuto.
“Relationship things huh,” Yuto said as he poked the two on their sides.
“Yeah. Apparently this honk decided to surprise me while I’m doing shit.”
“I kinda hope I didn’t came in his apartment yesterday to just do things for him. And he’s just... disgusting,” Hongseok said rolling his eyes at Shinwon.
“Well, it’s not my fault that I had diarrhea the day you came to visit me okay?”
“Well, it’s also not my fault that I missed my very own boyfriend,” Hongseok added while smiling sheepishly causing Shinwon to have red ears.
Also, his friends are gay. The two started dating months after meeting Yuto, and it took them days to admit to him that they were in a relationship. This is not all new to Yuto, for he also had a friend back in Japan that was homosexual, so accepting Shinwon and Hongseok was easy for him.
“Will the both of you kiss now?” Yuto asked.
“Are you crazy?”
“Yeah, Yuto, are you?”
The professor came in then Hongseok and Shinwon run as fast as they can to go outside of the class where they’re not supposed to be. A minute later, Yuto received a text coming from their group chat.
‘Yuto we’re so sorry for not staying longer. We just want to say good luck to you and that no matter what happens, we’re always here. College is not an easy path to take on but we believe you can do it. We love you so much. Remember that. — HongWon <3’
Yuto smiled once again and replied with ‘Thanks’. He really is so lucky to have them as his friends.
—
It’s been a month since the classes started. Yuto just finished his morning routine, but since his first class was going to start an hour later, he thought that he might as well walk around the campus. His roommate just left earlier, and Shinwon and Hongseok are probably on their own schedules.
Nothing much has happened in the past month. Except for the fact that he found a place and treated it as his hideout when he just wanted to be alone and do his own things, or when he thought his roommate needed a quieter room for his music productions.
He managed to move swiftly while whistling, hoping that no one would follow him. As if someone would actually follow him. He maintained his status as an introvert when the classes started and gained no new friends, but that was fine with him. It’s more comfortable that way.
He can hear hummings of someone else as he approaches the room, and he swears it sounded like an angel at first because of its sweet voice. But remembering that it’s just him who's been there in the past month made him shiver.
Please, not a ghost.
Yuto was scared, but he still proceeded to see if there’s an actual person inside the room. Exhaling, he’s relieved that the voice came from a human. He stared at the person from afar, hoping that his presence wouldn’t be noticed. He can’t see the face of the person who wears a hoodie above his head, but he’s sure it’s a guy. The guy has his headphones on and is humming to a song that he doesn’t know. He looks very peaceful.
But in just a matter of seconds, he was frightened once again when he realized that the guy was someone he had met before. And that guy just pulled up the sleeves of his hoodie, revealing various cuts that were obviously intentional.
Yuto trembled. He remembered that Hyunggu also wore a jacket on their first meeting, but he didn’t know that the reason why Hyunggu was wearing it was because of those. He never thought that the person was like that anyway, for he has one of the sweetest smiles and the vibe he gave is similar to the sun, even though he had just met him once.
Yuto was informed by his friends that Hyunggu is close to some of the student council officers at their school and was asked to give the dorm keys. And that is why Hyunggu and Yuto crossed their paths on that day. After that, Yuto hadn’t crossed paths with him again, and he never thought that meeting the guy again would be in this kind of situation.
Hyunggu reached something on the pocket of his bag. Yuto didn’t want to think what he was thinking until Hyunggu placed the rope highly in one of the equipments. Once Hyunggu finished knotting the rope, he stopped for awhile and then positioned his head to—
“Stop!”
Yuto immediately ran towards Hyunggu, holding back the latter with trembling hands. He hugged him tightly. He didn’t know the reason why Hyunggu wanted to do it, but he still hugged him, forming tears in his eyes.
“Uh...”
“Shh...”
“What are you doing here?” Hyunggu whispered in shaky voice.
“That is not what’s important right now.” Yuto replied.
“If you think that my feelings doesn’t matter and that I should stop what I’m going to do then leave me. Please...”
“I won’t let a person’s life be taken in front of my eyes. I won’t leave.”
“You’re stubborn, aren’t you?”
“I am.”
“Okay then.”
Hyunggu escaped from Yuto’s hug and slowly walked towards the equipment where the rope was attached. Yuto followed him, and before Hyunggu reached the rope, Yuto already held onto it and untangled it. He then threw the rope outside the window, receiving a reaction from Hyunggu, "Why did you do that?”
“Why? Things that are no longer needed needs to be thrown away just like that rope of yours.”
“You’re being too insensitive.”
“I— I’m sorry. It’s just, I don’t want you to do it.”
“Why do you care? We’re strangers to each other. We might know each others name but you have no right to decide for myself or my life.”
“I know you don’t want to actually do it.”
Yuto saw how Hyunggu’s emotions turned from exasperation to hopelessness. Hyunggu’s lips trembled, and his eyes immediately ignored Yuto’s. Yuto heard a sniff and Hyunggu tried to cover his eyes with his arms as Yuto tried to touch him. Yuto stepped forward while Hyunggu stepped back.
Hyunggu slowly sat down on the floor as Yuto gave him space and let him let his emotions out.
Yuto saw how the other tried to punch the floor to stop the pain, perhaps not physically but emotionally. He came to realize that maybe the reason that Hyunggu was hurting himself was because he wanted to feel something. Emptiness. That’s what he saw in Hyunggu’s eyes earlier. Emotionless. That’s what he felt in the latter’s every look. Now that the emotions Hyunggu is trying to find are coming out, how Hyunggu’s silent sob turned into screams that could break the windows’ glasses made Yuto’s heart break. One that he never felt for so long.
He kneeled and reached Hyunggu who’s now in utter mess.
“You know what? I’m not good at comforting people but... I know a song that can help you.” Yuto said shyly.
“You’ll sing?”
Yuto nodded and coughed. Hyunggu smiled a bit.
He looked intently at Hyunggu while he sang the first lines of the song. He massaged the hands of the other and then looked at Hyunggu’s now messed up hair and to his eyes.
Yuto sang his heart out. Even though he knew for himself that he was not a good singer, he let his deep voice be heard. There are times when his voice will crack, but Hyunggu seems to not mind it. This is the first time that Yuto stared closely at another person. He’s known as the guy who doesn’t like skinship, and he's not sure why he is holding hands with a stranger right now. All he know is that he want to make this person feel better.
Looking at Hyunggu, Yuto can see how beautiful this man is. The way Hyunggu’s glassy eyes look back at him with curiosity and kindness, his cheeks painted with pink, his mouth a little open as if astonished by Yuto’s singing voice while moving his head slowly from side to side and his mole under his right eye... this might be the first time that Yuto was attracted physically to the same sex.
As Yuto reached the second chorus, Hyunggu closed his eyes and smiled. Yuto smiled back even though Hyunggu couldn’t see him. Yuto couldn’t ignore the fact that he felt moved by the way Hyunggu listened to his every word, even though most of it was in Japanese. He could feel how the latter’s tension lowered and how their breath slowly matched each other.
Hyunggu opened his eyes as soon as Yuto finished the song and tightened the hand that was holding him, “That was beautiful. What is the song about?”
"It’s about a guy’s point of view when his friend is going through hard times, even though his friend doesn’t want to admit it. I know we’re not yet friends, but the words that the artist mentioned in the lyrics are the words I wanted to tell you. Whenever it’s hard for you, you can talk to me. That no matter how much you hide it, you can’t hide it forever. You shouldn’t be sorry for what you’re feeling and you shouldn’t be scared because I’ll be here.“
Silence.
Yuto once again felt his heartbeat get faster because he was scared again. Scared that he chose the wrong words. Concerned that he did the wrong thing. That maybe he’s being too personal and that he shouldn’t have said those things because, in the first place, he sucks at communication. But at the same time, he’s feeling grateful that this guy actually listened to him and that he stopped an occurrence of a suicide attempt. And that this guy might be a potential friend of his in the future.
“Adachi Yuto?”
Yuto gained back his senses and looked back at Hyunggu who’s now wearing the smile he had on the first time they met each other.
“Yes?”
Hyunggu shook his head and said, “Nothing.”
Whatever the thing was that Hyunggu wanted to say remained a mystery, for Hyunggu stood up and walked away from the room before Yuto could even understand the situation.
—
Yuto heard the opening of the door for the first time this afternoon. He thought that this guy would not show up today, but maybe he had other things to do earlier.
It’s been a week since Hyunggu started occupying Yuto’s hideout. He usually comes in the mornings and brings headphones, a notebook, or a pen. Contrary to what Yuto imagined, Hyunggu didn’t even talk with him after "that" happened. Hyunggu will just come in, sit in the corner of the room, sometimes give a look at Yuto, but will look away as soon as Yuto notices him and leave the room silently.
Meanwhile, Yuto also didn’t even spare a word to Hyunggu, just nodding at the person or awkwardly waving when the latter came in. If he's lucky, Hyunggu will return his gestures with a quick smile.
Except for today, when Hyunggu sat down beside Yuto.
It seems that the other guy is in a nice mood because he was smiling as soon as he came in. Yuto unconsciously smiled back at him.
“You’re warm.”
Yuto glanced at Hyunggu when he said that. He wasn't sure what the other meant, but he quickly returned his gaze to his paper.
“It’s weird... when you held me last time, I feel like I’m holding onto a stuffed toy I had when I was young that I slept with at night.”
“Is it nice?”
“Yes.”
“Thanks...”
Yuto gulped in the sudden interaction.
“For a person who scolded me, sang for me, and hugged me last time, you seem shy about it.”
“That— It’s not how I really act around other people.”
“Sure. Instead of joining clubs, participating in events and interacting with new people, you go here to this room every time you have. At first, I didn’t understand, but maybe we’re the same.”
Yuto looked back again to Hyunggu in confusion, “How?”
Hyunggu moved closer to Yuto and looked at the paper he was holding, but Yuto immediately covered the content with his hands.
"We’re both trying to escape something," Hyunggu whispered.
Yuto is once again confused. He’s not entirely sure if he’s confused about the way Hyunggu is talking to him right now, or how close he is, or how he is escaping something, so he just stared at Hyunggu because he didn’t know what to react or say.
Hyunggu then laughed on receiving no reaction from Yuto and placed his head on the other’s shoulder. Yuto froze on the spot, but he let Hyunggu rest his head on his. They stayed in that position for a while until Hyunggu offered him to go outside the room. Yuto hesitated at first, but he still joined him since his last class for today was already finished.
—
Yuto and Hyunggu are now in an open field where students can do whatever they want. There are times when someone would shout Hyunggu’s name to high five, ask him about anything, or wave. This made Yuto feel small beside Hyunggu, who smiles at anyone who he meets with his eyes. When another girl came to Hyunggu and asked what the latter was going to do on the weekends, Yuto slowed down the pace of his walking and gave space for them.
“Sorry but I’ll be busy this weekend.”
“Aww... But—”
He can’t really hear the conversation because there are a lot of people in the area. Every time a person meets his eyes, he’ll bow down in respect while slowly moving closer to the walls.
Yuto felt someone bumped him without looking as he wait, “Oh sorry! Wait— Yuto!”
It turned out that it was his friend all along. Yuto took a deep breath feeling like he was saved and fist bumped with Hongseok and smiled.
“Hongseok you’re dead meat when I catch you!”
Yuto saw how Hongseok giggled and put his hand above his head with a McDonalds paper bag and waved it to tease the one who shouted at him.
“You’re not going to eat hamburgers today dummy!” Hongseok shouted back on Shinwon who’s running groggily.
“Idiot! Bring me back my food! You know I’m on a diet!”
“No way. That’s a very unhealthy diet and I made you a vegetable salad. You’ll eat those.”
“There’s no fucking way I’ll eat them!”
“You freaking look like a toothpick so why would you go on a diet in the first place?!”
“Shut the fuck up and don’t mess up my with my eating lifestyle, you ball of walking fats!”
“How many times do I have to tell you that it's not fats? It's muscles! M.u.s.c.l.e.s, MUSCLES!”
“Whatever!”
Yuto covered his mouth as he laughed at his friends. It released a higher pitch voice that is much higher on his usual deep talking voice. In the side of his eyes, he can see how Hyunggu looked at him and it seems that the conversation Hyunggu had earlier with the girl has ended.
“Sorry Yuto, but I had to run! See you tomorrow!" Hongseok waved goodbye to Yuto and spared a glance at Hyunggu, who is now beside Yuto. He looked back at Yuto and gave him a questioning look, but it didn’t last since Shinwon is now really close to them.
"Move bitches, I’m gay," Shinwon exclaimed, gaining looks from everyone. The crowd did give him a space to run into and it seems like he didn’t notice Yuto as he followed Hongseok, who was making weird poses with his burgers.
Yuto looked at Hyunggu to see his reaction, and the latter was already looking up at him with a smile on his face. Yuto didn’t have time to call Shinwon over, so they continued walking again. This time, Hyunggu is much closer.
“Yang Hongseok, english major, singlehandedly won the entire sports competition last year and won the Best Body Figure, that’s him earlier, right?”
Yuto chuckled and nodded as an answer even though sports competition and best body didn’t sound familiar.
“And the other guy must be Ko Shinwon, a fashion major, a vlogger... he’s not really known, but he’s so funny that I believe everyone will like him if they try to get closer to him.”
“You’re right,” Yuto replied.
“Your friends are cool... I hope I’m cool enough for you too.”
—
Hyunggu opened a door to a room with different musical instruments. Yuto looked around and noticed that it was a rather small room, but a little bigger than Yuto’s hideout, which became Hyunggu's too. There are not many instruments there, but at least two guitars, a drum set, and a grand piano can be seen.
Yuto looked at Hyunggu, who was now sitting on the piano chair. The latter placed his fingers and pressed random keys on the piano, then looked at Yuto, "This is where I want you to come.”
"Why?" Yuto asked as his eyes wandered to the guitar and bass that were on the walls.
"I saw the writings in your notebook earlier. It seems like you’re writing some music notes, so I thought that maybe you’re a music-inclined person and decided to get you here. “
Yuto’s cheek reddened and he replied, "Not really, but I sometimes play guitar.”
"I knew it!" Hyunggu excitedly exclaimed and stood up to get the guitar that Yuto had been looking for since they came.
"Here."
"Thanks."
Hyunggu beamed. Yuto sat down on one of the chairs inside the room and started strumming the strings of the guitar. The last time he touched a guitar was before he came to the university. He didn't bring his own because it might be bulky. He plucked some of the strings to test if the guitar was in tune, and when he was satisfied with it, he calmed his hands on top of the instrument and stopped to look at the person in front of him.
Hyunggu and Yuto stared at each other for a good minute when Yuto removed the connection and looked away in embarrassment.
"You have the perfect guitar hands," Hyunggu said, who's now looking at Yuto's hands on top of the guitar.
"You think so?" Yuto replied and unknowingly reached for Hyunggu's palms to compare his own hand with his. Hyunggu was dressed in an oversize hoodie that concealed half of his hands on the sleeve. Instead of removing it, Yuto stayed when he felt his palm on top of a fabric and soft familiar hands.
"Yes, your hands—I mean your fingers look nice," Hyunggu continued as he fondled the other's hands. Yuto saw how their hands fit together and smiled. But looking back at the hoodie’s sleeves, Yuto slowly moved his finger down to the place where he saw the cuts before. Hyunggu then held Yuto's hand on top of his wrists and gripped it softly.
“I... this is not what I’m aiming for when I get you here, but I just want to say thank you. I know I’ve said some things to you back there, but your words and comforts made me feel important. I can’t believe that someone like you had to be there and stop me from doing it. You’re right. I didn’t actually want to do it. But that time...”
"I felt like even with people around me, I still felt alone," Hyunggu said, biting his lip to keep the tears from falling, “That there’s no one who actually cares for me. But when you came, even for a short time, you made me feel something. I felt hope. That’s why. Thank you so much. Thank you for saving me.“
Once again, Yuto placed his arms around Hyunggu after he quickly placed the guitar he was holding on a table beside him.
“It’s healing,” Hyunggu added.
Yuto backed away from the hug from Hyunggu as the latter smiled and pulled his sleeves up. He saw how the cuts were in the process of healing and that there were no new cuts that could be seen. His heart softened when he traced one of the cuts to see how deep it was and how it stood out on Hyunggu’s pale skin. Yuto made a decision with these that could make or break his life as a freshman college student.
“Stay with me.”
Hyunggu, who was wiping the remaining tears from his eyes, looked straight into Yuto with widened eyes and replied slowly, "What?”
“I mean, you said I’m warm and I make you feel important, so...” Yuto looked away and held the back of his nape.
“You want us to be friends..?”
“Yes.”
“But we already are.”
“I want it to be only me.”
“Huh?”
“I— nothing. I will tell you about it the next morning so see you then!”
“Wait what?!” is the last thing Yuto heard before he stood up and ran away.
—
“So our Adachi is interested in someone huh?”
Yesterday, Yuto couldn’t stop thinking about what he said to Hyunggu. He looked at Shinwon, who was in front of him, sipping on his orange juice and Hongseok who’s eating a chicken breast. It was already afternoon, and he hadn’t gone to the hideout this time, instead, he spent most of his break with his friends. Shinwon and Hongseok already knew that there might be something that was bothering Yuto, so they made him speak of it. Now, Yuto is in the hot seat who is now fiddling with the food wrap.
“I just want to make this person feel better.”
“But isn’t this friend of yours already feeling better? You said their cuts are healing, right?”
“I don’t think that’s enough. The physical might be healing but the emotional might not.”
“Then what are you going to do?”
Yuto stopped fiddling with the food wrap and fake coughed, “I— I’ll be with them on those times.”
“You mean, as their boyfriend?” Hongseok asked in a teasing way as he took a bite of the chicken. Shinwon bumped him and quickly shook his head.
“No..?”
“Ok we get it. Listen, Yuto, whatever you want your relationship to be with this person, we believe you’ll do great. You’re like one of the most caring person I know. Most of the time, you handle your own problems but you face them quietly and maturely. I believe that just your presence will help this person a lot so cheer up! Also, being a friend of yours is probably one of the best things that happened in my life and sharing that kind of feeling to another person is awesome. Don’t forget to introduce them to us, okay?” Hongseok assured Yuto.
“He’s right, Adachi,” Shinwon added as he grinned with Hongseok.
—
Yuto couldn’t find Hyunggu anywhere else on the campus. He tried finding him in the music room, classrooms, and their hideout, but he wasn’t there, so he decided to just go back to the dorm since it was getting late. As soon as he opened the door to his room, Hoetaek cheered and welcomed him.
“Yutoooo! What took you so long?” Hoetaek asked.
Yuto dropped his bag on the bed, which was a little messier than when he left it early in the morning, "I tried to find someone.”
“You mean Hyunggu?”
“How..?”
“He came earlier to find you. It looks like you’re looking for each other today,” Hoetaek giggled and brushed the hair of Yuto, “Care to tell me what happened?”
“You aren’t busy with your music projects?”
“Well, I’m not yet done but I’ll finish it soon. So spill the beans, will ya?”
Yuto told Hoetaek most of the things that had happened between him and Hyunggu, minus the sensitive parts, just the way he had told Shinwon and Hongseok. The only difference is that this time, the other person he’s talking with knows who he’s talking about.
Hoetaek remained silent while listening. As Yuto finished his story, Hui smiled and tapped Yuto’s shoulders.
“When Hyunggu came earlier, he was frantically looking for you, as if he was not going to see you again. So I talked to him a bit and also asked his side. What I can say is that, Hyunggu seems to treasure you a lot, even for a short period of time that you knew each other.”
The spirits of Yuto lifted up, “I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”
Hoetaek beamed and pulled Yuto into a hug, “Good luck with that then!”
“Thank you, hyung.”
—
“Hi.”
Yuto, who had just opened the door to the outside of his room, stepped back with his mouth agape.
“It’s Wednesday, so your first class should be starting 30 minutes from now, right?”
Yuto looked at the person in front of him who’s wearing a knitted sweater, baggy jeans and a familiar smile. He unconsciously smiled back and stepped forward, “Yes.”
“Then what are you doing? Let’s go! Oh, by the way, hi Hui! May I take him?”
“He’s all yours,” Hoetaek chuckled.