Work Text:
Jump, jump for my love
Jump, I know my heart can make you happy
Jump in, you know these arms
Can feel you up
Jump, you want to taste my kisses
In the night then
Jump, jump for my love
"Jump (For My Love)" - The Pointer Sisters
HRH Prongs the First
i have been wounded
on an egotistical level
i fear i will never recover
don’t cry for me, my dear england
the truth is you are probably much better off without me
Padfoot
Hear, hear!
Truer words have never been spoken.
HRH Prongs the First
on second thought i will not perish for fear of leaving my people in your selfish hands
Padfoot
I would say: fie!
But you are probably right.
I would beg that weird cousin with the foot fetish if he could do the job for me.
HRH Prongs the First
hamish would make a terrible king
Padfoot
All the more reason for you not to die.
HRH Prongs the First
fair enough
i died a metaphorical death just a few hours ago anyway
Moony
Can I just say again that I find it odd how you insisted on using code names in our chat in case we were ever hacked and our honour could be comprised, only for you to make it incredibly obvious to any outsiders that you are the person of note here @HRH Prongs the First
HRH Prongs the First
i don’t use any capitals and rarely apply rules of punctuation
no one is going to expect it’s me
also i have a problem that is truly larger than life
Padfoot
Let’s hear it then.
Just got the popcorn out.
HRH Prongs the First
it's good to know that someone appears to be getting off on my pain...
however let's not deviate from the matter at hand
you would never lie to me right?!
Padfoot
We swore an oath when we were eleven.
HRH Prongs the First
“i solemnly swear i am up to no good” does not necessarily reassure me in this particular instance
Moony
Can you please just get a move on?
Unlike some I actually have work to do.
(Talking about Padfoot here, Prongs. Having witnessed your many princely duties from a young age, I know I would not switch places with you for the world.)
HRH Prongs the First
the love and appreciation i deserve
see that padfoot?!
Padfoot
Yes, very touching.
Now, what do you desperately need our attention for?
I was entertaining the thought of taking a second nap this afternoon earlier.
Moony
A SECOND nap?!
You must be joking.
Padfoot
Do I ever jest about my beauty naps and beauty sleep?
It takes effort to maintain all of *gestures to self* this.
HRH Prongs the First
perhaps i should ask you for some advice there then
now be brutally honest
what would you say about my hair
Moony
It’s unique.
Padfoot
This is a hill I am not willing to die on.
HRH Prongs the First
okay what moony said is enough anyway
my hair defines me as a person
i have received so much shit for it over the past years with all these so-called hair stylists claiming they can tame it
as if it needs to be domesticated
Moony
Well…
HRH Prongs the First
do my eyes deceive me?!
is treason at hand?!
Moony
I just meant to say it is all a matter of perspective.
HRH Prongs the First
hmm
*grumbling noises*
*readying himself to repeat his mantra*
i shall be a good prince and not abuse my power by offing my best friends’ heads
i shall be a good prince and not abuse my power by offing my best friends’ heads
i shall be a good prince and not abuse my power by offing my best friends’ heads
i shall be a good prince and not abuse my power by offing my best friends’ heads
i shall be a good prince and not abuse my power by offing my best friends’ heads
Moony
You are copying and pasting that aren’t you?
Please tell me you are.
HRH Prongs the First
why yes of course
i am not a complete idiot
Padfoot
Of course you are not.
Moony, the insinuations?!
Prongs, your rampage would be entirely warranted.
This is libel!
Prongs is a clever royal lad, you know.
He attended university, he completed his military training, he reads boring stuff about whatever it is that our heads of state read about.
For heaven’s sake, Moony! Sure, you are in charge of educating the future generation, but surely they taught you at teacher school never to judge a book by its sparkling, glittering, dramatic cover?!
Moony
You are trying to distract him, aren’t you?
You are already fed up with his flair for the drama.
Padfoot
I have no idea what you are talking about.
HRH Prongs the First
i am feeling so attacked right now
i came here because this is supposed to be a safe space where i can vent and lament without anyone there to judge me or weigh my words
Moony
All right, what is it then?
Make it quick, though. My class will be here soon!
HRH Prongs the First
okay so i was casually browsing the aisles at waitrose trying to locate crunchies which for some reason had been moved
tempted to send a letter of complaint about that by the way
it makes it really hard to just pop in and out while you are trying to be incognito when they move stuff
Moony
Wait, you were at Waitrose?!
Padfoot
Idiot.
HRH Prongs the First
i know i know
but i was craving chocolate and fed up with being locked up all the time
plus i wore sunglasses
Padfoot
Oh, wait, Moony, he wore sunglasses.
We are properly reassured now, Prongs.
Well done!
Moony
May I remind you that only last month you were harassed by that woman when you were out on the streets?!
HRH Prongs the First
look i get it but also i am a grown man making my own adult choices and i refuse to let one incident dictate my every move
Moony
I have a lot to say about this, but I literally have five minutes, so I’ll properly scold you later.
Can you please continue your story?
HRH Prongs the First
okay so i was at waitrose trying to find crunchies when completely out of the blue i am jumped from behind
Padfoot
For fuck’s sake, Prongs.
That’s why you can’t bolt from Shacklebolt.
HRH Prongs the First
no it wasn’t like that
i wasn’t jumped by anyone with nefarious intent
but nonetheless someone jumped on my back practically climbed me like i was a tree and then squeals in my ear and says
“i can’t believe you’re here! i haven’t seen you for ages! why didn't you call me?!”
Moony
To be fair, Prongs, this sounds like another stalker situation.
HRH Prongs the First
ha! for once i wish but i’ll get to that
also clearly this person did not stalk me because this person thought i would have called them before going to waitrose
Moony
I hate to break it to you, but sometimes people can have mad delusions.
You should know that already, since a woman begged you to marry her out on the street.
HRH Prongs the First
oh hush
just listen to my story
anyway
so i practically froze up and say something like: “pardon me, miss” because it was a woman and then this person freezes as she hangs off of me and goes all like: “oh god, you are not dev patil are you?”
Padfoot
Who the fuck is Dev Patil?!
HRH Prongs the First
how the hell would i know?
i was raised inside a palace
i do not know how the world works
anyway i told her: “sorry to disappoint but i am not”
so she lets go of me, apologizes profusely and says: “it’s uncanny, really. the back of your head looks exactly the same.”
Padfoot
Hahahahahahaha!
HRH Prongs the First
no!
this is not funny!
i feel as though a knife was put between my two shoulder blades
my ONE defining asset
the ONLY THING that makes me a bit of a royal sex symbol
which is only fair because it's the only thing that makes being a royal worth it
all the media backlash i received, the criticism...
and then this woman tells me my hair looks exactly like someone else’s?!
wtf?!
who else would have a mop of hair like mine?!
Moony
Dev Patil apparently.
Anyway, need to go. My students just arrived.
Don’t make too big a deal out of this, okay, James?
People love your hair.
Putting my phone on silent, so won’t see or read anything for the next three hours or so.
HRH Prongs the First
this wasn’t even the worst part really
Padfoot
She was really pretty, wasn’t she?
HRH Prongs the First
how do you know that?!
Padfoot
I know you and I know how you respond to beautiful women: dramatically.
HRH Prongs the First
not to all beautiful women
otherwise i would not have a life
i would swoon constantly and not have time to read the PMs debriefs
Padfoot
You can always bluff your way through the meeting, you know.
You’re the Crown Prince.
No one expects anything of you except for smiling and waving and cutting a ribbon here and there.
HRH Prongs the First
you have lived by yourself for too long if you have forgotten what mum is like
i do not fancy her narrowing her eyes at me when i mess up by asking a question that was already answered in this pile of papers that was left on my desk
Padfoot
Sucks to be you.
HRH Prongs the First
it so does
she is the most beautiful woman i have ever seen
waitrose woman
not my mum
Padfoot
You didn’t need to clarify that, although mum is, of course, a stunner.
HRH Prongs the First
you should have seen her padfoot
again: waitrose girl
not mum
i would have proposed on the spot if she hadn’t just shaken me to the core and i hadn’t been wearing sunglasses
Padfoot
It would be most improper to ask a woman to marry you when you’re incognito.
She needs to know what she is in for before she says yes.
HRH Prongs the First
i have never been upset about someone not recognizing me before
this is an odd feeling to have
but she was so extraordinary
it’s like finally i see the light
and that doesn't make sense because i was wearing sunglasses
everything was supposed to be dark
but she literally lit up my world
Padfoot
All right, Prince Charming, calm your horses.
HRH Prongs the First
i cannot stay calm
what if she is the love of my life and i never see them again?!
Padfoot
Not possible.
HRH Prongs the First
you think i will see her again?!
when?!
how do you know?!
have you been doing tarot readings again?!
Padfoot
None of your business.
But also, I meant that it is not possible for her to be the love of your life, you sap.
This is no fairy tale.
You don't just fall in love on first sight.
HRH Prongs the First
tell me about it
if only life were that simple
Padfoot
Guaranteed happily ever afters… sounds dreadfully boring to me.
But, I suppose, none of the princes in fairy tales were ever mistaken for someone else, so there would be that.
HRH Prongs the First
too soon padfoot
too fucking soon
but i have to ask
do you think she dated this dev patil and if she did
what would be the chances she would want to date a lookalike for the back of her ex-boyfriend's head?!
Padfoot
Oh no!
Reception is suddenly very bad.
Kkkkkkkkkkkkkcccccccccccccccccchhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
Can't. Type.
*Battery has died.*
HRH Prongs the First
i may not know a lot but i do know you are full of shit
this is not how phones work
you know i know that
Lily
So, at the risk of sounding as though I’m seeing things… I think I jumped the crown prince today?
Marlene
Wait… wtf?!
Mary
How did you jump him?!
Where?!
Is double entendre involved?!
Did you jump him SEXUALLY?!
Lily
Gosh, no!
I jumped someone who I thought was Dev at Waitrose today and when he turned around, he looked a lot like our prince.
As in: I jumped on his back.
Marlene
Lil, Dev literally lives up in Scotland now.
Lily
I know! Hence my excitement and the jumping him from behind.
Mary
But wait, you JUMPED on someone’s back and you think it might be the PRINCE you mistook for Dev?!
Lily
I did.
Also: I am, like, 99% certain it was Prince James.
He was wearing aviators, so I couldn’t see his eyes, but once he turned around it was very hard to miss that he was, in fact, the Queen’s son.
Marlene
But why did you jump him?
You are never impulsive.
That would be Mary.
Mary
Hey!
Lily
I jumped on his back, because I thought he was Dev and we used to jump scare each other all the time.
Marlene
Again: Dev is up in Scotland.
If he was in London, he would have told you, so you could go out dancing all night.
Lily
I was convinced it was him, though.
You know how you sometimes make a decision in a split of a second?
I saw the back of his head, thought it reminded me of someone - Dev - and before I knew it, I jumped up.
Mary
What happened when you realised it wasn’t Dev?!
When did you realise?!
Lily
Well, his back felt very firm and I could tell this other man was very fit.
As you are well aware Dev is against any form of exercise that is not dancing, so I think I said: “Oh God, you’re not Dev Patil, are you?” when I noted the muscles.
Then when I let go of him, he turned around and I couldn’t help but think: “You didn’t recognize Dev, you idiot, you recognized another mess of curls that you far too often see gracing the covers of your sister’s copies of Hello! magazine…”
Marlene
Firm and fit, huh?
Lily
So firm!
So, so, so, so fit!
From what I could tell in the twenty seconds I held on to him, of course.
Also: it’s beside the point, clearly.
Mary
Oh my goodness!
What did he say?!
Did he get down on his knee and propose?!
Did he beg you to be to mother of his child?!
Lily
Uhm, no…?!
Why would he?
I’m a crazy lady that jumped him in the supermarket.
Besides… I didn’t tell him I knew it was him.
Mary
What?!
Why?!
Lily
Because he was wearing sunglasses!
He was clearly browsing the aisles of Waitrose casually and not trying to attract any attention.
It must be so hard to have people recognize you everywhere you go.
Marlene
Plus: he was literally attacked on the streets like a month ago by another woman, who threatened to off herself if he didn’t marry her.
Lily
OH NO!!!!!
I completely forgot about that!
I must have given him a near heart attack!
Mary
Just wondering about that…
There was no one around?!
No security people lurking in the background?
Lily
I didn’t see anyone, but then again that might be the point of it all, right?
You wouldn’t make a very good secret agent if everyone can see you’re there. It would make it very easy for people with malintent to target the rich and famous.
Marlene
Well, at least you weren’t tackled to the ground and we don’t have to bail you out.
Mary
LOL!
Imagine how awkward that would be.
Lily the Felon… making her one phone call from the police station.
Marlene
Good thing she didn’t end up there.
In Lily’s case, orange would NOT be the new black.
Can you imagine how it would clash with her hair?!
LOL!
Lily
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Marlene
Come on! That was a good one.
Lily
It was only mediocre, but that may also be because I feel awful now!
I wish I had thought of the incident that happened a month ago. I would have apologized to him…
He must think I’m an absolute freak now.
Marlene
Did he seem spooked?
Lily
I mean… I couldn’t see his eyes but he certainly seemed at a loss for words for a moment.
But he was perfectly nice and cordial otherwise.
He called me Miss a lot.
Marlene
Ha! He certainly was the prince then. No doubt about it.
Lily
Do you think I should write a letter to the Palace to apologise?
I would hate for him to think I was trying to bully him.
Mary
I’m pretty sure it would take ages for the letter to actually get to him.
Marlene
Also, you might be making a bigger deal out of this than he is.
No offence, darling, but he may have forgotten all about it already.
Lily
Right.
True.
For me this was a once in a lifetime experience.
For him I was just another crazy person trying to catch his attention, probably.
Mary
Which is a shame, because can you imagine how cute it would be if he had fallen for you instantly?!
I’m just imaging you on national television as you and the Prince show off the ring and talk about how you first met.
The press would have a field day!
It’s an actual, real life MEET CUTE!
Marlene
You do have the looks, really.
You’d make a great princess!
Mary
You so would!
Plus: you’ve got brains, so you would be great at making speeches, etc.
Lily
Thank you for the vote of confidence.
I don’t suspect I will ever get to experience it in real life, but it’s good to know that the two of you think I’d make a good princess.
Even though I suspect it has to do with the fact that I look a little like Ariel.
Mary
OMG!
You do!
But also… I just thought… if you and the Prince have babies, they might end up looking like Merida from “Brave” with the red, curly hair!
Marlene
Pretty sure any babies they would have would be more likely to have dark hair and skin that’s just a tad darker than Lily’s milky white.
Mary
No one cares about genetics.
Let me enjoy living in my very special fantasy world.
Marlene
Okay, cool.
You do you.
And Lily?
Lily
What?
Marlene
Next time check if Dev is actually in London before you jump a stranger, okay?
It’s a little weird.
Lily
Right, noted.
HRH Prongs the First
okay
so
i cannot believe my luck
i saw her at waitrose again today
Moony
Wait, what?!
You were at Waitrose again?!
Is Shacklebolt with you this time, at least?!
Padfoot
Bloody hell, James.
It’s a Saturday.
I was just getting ready for my mani-pedi and you drop this bomb on me?!
HRH Prongs the First
you guys get so stuck on the wrong thing entirely
the key thing is not that i went to waitrose incognito again
although this time i wore glasses AND a beanie
so it was a wonder she recognised me really
but she did
and guess what??????!!!!!
Padfoot
Why do I have to guess?
You will tell us anyway.
You’re like a puppy.
HRH Prongs the First
just guess
Padfoot
But why?
HRH Prongs the First
just do it
Moony
All right, I’ll go first.
I guess she knew where to find the Crunchies that you couldn’t find last time.
HRH Prongs the First
good guess actually
but no
i am a big boy and found the crunchies myself
i didn’t need any assistance this time around
Padfoot
Huzzah!
HRH Prongs the First
okay it’s taking too long
the guessing game is over
Padfoot
Oh no… I am DEVASTATED!!!!!
HRH Prongs the First
shut up
so i’m at waitrose right
crunchies in my hands and everything
and then i see a flash of auburn and i realise it’s her
the woman of my dreams
so i form a plan right?!
Moony
Oh god, James, what did you do?!
HRH Prongs the First
i promise this has a happy ending
don’t fret
Padfoot
A happy ending, huh?!
HRH Prongs the First
don’t be a pervert
Padfoot
Shame.
I was actually somewhat invested.
Moony
Ignore him, James. Continue, please.
HRH Prongs the First
right
so
my mind buzzed and i walk up to her and say
i was real smooth about it
imagine that when you admire the cinematic beauty of what is to come next
Moony
Why does this sound like the start of a horror film to me?
Padfoot
Because James is probably typing this with a grin on his face that could rival It’s.
HRH Prongs the First
ignoring the above and continuing the story
i promise it’s a good one
so i smoothly walk up to her and say:
“i hope you didn’t plan on jumping me a second time”
Padfoot
*Barfing*
HRH Prongs the First
so she turns around and says:
“that depends on the kind of jumping you were hoping for”
Moony
Wait, what?!
You are making this up.
Padfoot
Of course he is.
There is no way that would happen in real life.
Although it no longer sounds like the start of a horror film, but rather like a porno.
HRH Prongs the First
try a romantic comedy
anyway
so guess who just got jumped a second time only this time it was definitely absolutely perfect!!!!!!
Padfoot
WTF?????!!!!!
You said it wasn’t that kind of happy ending for you!!!!!!
HRH Prongs the First
nope
i said don’t be a pervert
i never said you were wrong
Moony
I was not expecting this.
I’m supposed to be working on my lesson plans.
I don’t think I’ll actually recover.
Is she still at your place?!
HRH Prongs the First
definitely is
just preparing us a snack in the kitchen
and texting you
because god lads i think she is the one
Padfoot
You are such a sap, mate.
It’s not even funny.
Moony
How about you take it easy, yeah?
One step at a time?
Padfoot
One shag at a time, maybe.
HRH Prongs the First
mark my words
i will marry this woman
i will never ever let her go
she said my hair is the best thing about you
if that isn’t true love i don’t know what is
alas i would love to stay and chat and gloat but i might just be depriving myself of more precious time spent with my future wife so i will have to salute the both of you
Moony
How did we get here?
Padfoot
I have no idea, but I don’t think I’d care to know right now.
I’m sure we’ll get the Tolkien version out of him next time we see him with far too many descriptions that interrupt the flow of the story.
Moony
Shall we enjoy the silence while it lasts then?
Padfoot
We probably absolutely should.
Lily
So, I just wanted to let you know: I jumped the Prince again.
Marlene
Wait, what?!
WTF?!
Mary
How does that happen to you twice?!
Marlene
Did you think he was Dev again?
Do we need to get your eyes checked?
Lily
Lol!
No, I definitely didn’t think he was Dev again.
It was a different kind of jumping this time anyway.
Mary
How was it different?
You didn’t jump him from behind, but from the side this time?!
Lily
I may have jumped him sexually this time?
Just for your information: 10/10 would do him again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again (x infinity).
Mary
AASDFLKSAJDLKFASJDFLKAJSDFLAKSDJFALASDFASD
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marlene
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!
You have to tell us EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!
You can’t just dump stuff like that on us with no context whatsoever!!!!!!!!
How did this happen???????!!!!!!!!
Lily
Believe me, I will tell you all about it, but first I need to drop my phone, because he just came back with a cup of tea and a scone for us both and, oh my lord, I think I’m keeping him.
Did I mention he is only wearing his boxers?!
Did I mention that I was absolutely right in stating that he is so, so, so, so, so fit?!
Marlene
Why are you still typing?????!!!!!!
Go!
Shoo, shoo!
You do you, babe, you do you!
Mary
NOPE!
You let HIM do YOU.
That's what Marls meant to say!
Lily
Oh, I will.
Believe me, I will.
TRANSCRIPT – Prince James and Lily Evans Engagement Interview
Rita Skeeter for The Daily Prophet
RITA SKEETER
Let’s start at the very beginning, how did the two of you meet?
PRINCE JAMES
Would you like to do the honours there, love?
LILY EVANS
Seeing as my friends have been waiting for a long time to hear me say this out loud, I will. [The Prince and his fiancée smile adoringly at one another.] You see, this all started when I jumped on James’ back at Waitrose, mistaking him for one of my university friends. Which - in all fairness - was truly an error on my part, since this friend lives up in Scotland and couldn't have possibly been in London at the time.
PRINCE JAMES
As you can understand, I was absolutely baffled when this stranger just jumped me from behind, wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me as if I were a long lost friend.
LILY EVANS
That's because that's what I thought you were.
PRINCE JAMES
Which is, you have to agree, truly preposterous. You have written about the state of my hair before, Rita. My pride was certainly dented. I didn’t think anyone had a mop of hair quite like mine.
LILY EVANS
He was definitely disproportionately upset, I would say.
PRINCE JAMES
And rightfully so! [Smiles at his wife-to-be fondly.] Luckily, she redeemed herself well enough when we met at the same supermarket only a few days later.
LILY EVANS
He was the one to approach me this time, although he didn’t jump on my back.
PRINCE JAMES
Of course I didn’t. I would have pushed you into the shelves there. Can you imagine where we would have ended up if I had actually physically hurt you? The chaos that would have ensued?
LILY EVANS
It would certainly have been horrific for this particular store's employees. Although I have a feeling that for the two of us it wouldn't have made much of a difference. I'm quite confident that we would have ended up in a pretty similar place if you had jumped me as I had you only a few days earlier.
PRINCE JAMES
Are you saying that certain things are meant to be?
LILY EVANS
Since I met the love of my life, who just happened to be a Prince, at Waitrose of all places, I would absolutely say that might just be true.
PRINCE JAMES
You can see why I asked her to marry me, right?