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Kazuma woke up in the middle of the night to the feeling of someone moving next to him. He looked to the side, realizing that Barok was tossing in his sleep while muttering something unintelligible. Is he having a nightmare?
“Barok?” Concerned, Kazuma leaned in his direction, lightly shaking his arm. “Barok, wake up… It’s just a—”
Probably startled by his touch, Barok jolted up, swinging his arm in Kazuma’s direction, accidentally hitting his chin. Barok glanced around, breathing hastily.
“What is…?” He looked at Kazuma, seeming lost. “Kazuma…?” His eyes fell upon Kazuma’s hand, covering the place where he was hit. Barok’s face went pale. “Oh, God… Forgive me, I didn’t mean to…” He leaned in Kazuma’s direction, examining his face. “Is it hurting?”
Kazuma shook his head. “No, it was more surprising than anything else.”
That was the truth, but it didn’t seem to do much to reassure Barok, who looked at him with a remorseful expression. “I’m truly sorry.”
“Don’t worry, it was just an accident. But… What about you? You seemed to be having a nightmare.”
Barok didn’t seem to hear his words. “Maybe it’s a bad idea for us to sleep together… Something like this could happen again.”
Kazuma let out a small sigh. Barok had this tendency to, following a negative event—like a nightmare, an argument, or an unexpected confront on the streets—overthink and blame himself for everything. One time, after Kazuma got badly injured protecting him, Barok almost put an end to his apprenticeship, afraid that it would end up costing his life.
At first, those things would make Kazuma panic and respond in an equally upset manner, which—needless to say—only made the situation worse. After witnessing it a few times, however, he learned that those thoughts weren’t rational, and after his initial reaction subsided, Barok would come back to his senses. Until then, he only had to be a little patient.
“Don’t say that.” Kazuma reached for him, lightly touching his arm. He didn’t move away, so Kazuma moved closer. “I’m telling you, it wasn’t your fault. I realized you were having a nightmare and tried to wake you without thinking. You were just startled by it.”
“Even if I didn’t mean to, I still—”
Kazuma carefully held Barok’s face between his hands, staring into his eyes. “Barok, stop,” he said in a patient tone. “You’re making it seem much worse than it was. I told you it was an accident, didn’t I?”
“Yes…”
“Don’t you believe me?”
Barok stayed silent for a moment. “I do…” He lowered his gaze. “Forgive me…”
“It’s alright.” Kazuma moved Barok’s hair back, placing a kiss on his forehead. “I’ll try to be more careful when I wake you from now on.”
Barok let out a tired groan. “I should be the one saying that.”
“Alright,” Kazuma placed another kiss on his cheek. “We’ll both be more careful from now on, then.”
His reassuring tone seemed to have an effect on Barok. Kazuma carefully hugged him, caressing his hair. They stayed like that for a while and, slowly, Barok’s body relaxed in his arms.
“Is it really not hurting?”
This time, his question sounded more concerned than panicked.
“It isn’t.” Kazuma moved away, looking at Barok’s face. “But what about you? You had a nightmare, didn’t you?”
Barok sighed, bringing a hand to his face. “I was so shocked that I even forgot what that nightmare was about.”
Kazuma chuckled. “That was surprisingly effective.”
“Don’t even jest about it.”
“Alright, sorry.” Kazuma brought a hand to Barok’s chin, giving his lips a light peck. “Do you want to go back to sleep?”
Barok lowered his head, muttering his answer. “In a moment.”
Despite seeming calmer than before, he still sounded shaken. Whatever that nightmare was, it had really affected him, hadn’t it?
Kazuma placed a hand on Barok’s arm, calling his attention. “Let’s go for a walk.”
Barok agreed quietly. They left the bed, making their way to the back door, grabbing their cloaks before stepping outside. They walked slowly, in silence, for a few minutes, until Barok gestured toward a bench. They took a seat side by side.
“I wasn’t honest with you…” said Barok after a while. “I remember what it was.”
Kazuma looked at his face. “Your nightmare?”
Barok nodded. “It was about Klint…” He interrupted himself. “No, it was the Professor. I still can’t accept they’re one and the same…”
Kazuma nodded, placing a hand on Barok’s thigh. In what seemed like an automatic gesture, Barok placed his hand over his, intertwining their fingers.
“Back then, I felt something was wrong…” he continued. “But I couldn’t bring myself to suspect my brother. To me, he was the kindest, most honored man that ever lived. The single time I suspected him, I felt terrible for it.” His voice cracked, and he took a deep breath before continuing. “I spent so many years hating the wrong people… If I wasn’t so blind, maybe I could have saved lives… I could have stopped it all before it was too late.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” said Kazuma. “Anyone would want to believe in the innocence of someone they love.”
Barok shook his head. “That is no excuse. So many lives ruined… Even yours. All because I refused to see what was right in front of me.” He let go of Kazuma’s hand, covering his own face. “Forgive me… Forgive me, I…”
Kazuma moved closer to him, hugging him from the side, resting his face against his arm. “Stop torturing yourself over this…” he murmured. “It’s over already.”
“No… It’ll never be over,” answered Barok in a shaky voice. “No matter what I do, I could never compensate for what he did… I’ll never be able to wash the blood of his victims from my hands.”
It wasn’t the first time he said something like that, and possibly not the last… But it still hurt. Kazuma wished there was an easier way to erase those thoughts from his mind, but all he could do was stay there, by his side.
“You’re not responsible for what Klint did,” he said.
“Maybe not,” said Barok. “But sometimes I fear I might follow a similar path… That the blood we share might be stronger than my resolve to do things right.”
Kazuma moved slightly away, so he could look at Barok’s face. “Your brother did something terrible out of desperation, but he regretted it in the end, and accepted the consequences. Despite everything, I doubt he was an evil man at heart.”
“That’s what frightens me.” Barok met his gaze. “If someone like Klint could go that far, what’s stopping me from doing the same?”
Those words weighed on Kazuma’s chest. “I understand how you feel… I almost did justice with my own hands as well. I never intended to hurt another person, and yet, I was close to letting this ugly part of me take control. I know how it feels… How Klint must have felt.” He lowered his eyes, staring at his own hand. “The anger I felt for all those years still haunts me… It makes me wonder if I really deserve a second chance.”
“But you didn’t harm Gregson,” said Barok. “You were stronger than Klint was.”
Kazuma nodded. “And so are you. In the end, all we can do is fight our own demons and keep going…” He offered Barok a slight smile. “And, until now, we’ve done a decent job at it.”
Barok simply looked at Kazuma for a few seconds. Then, he showed a small, almost reluctant smile. “I suppose you’re right.”
That expression brought Kazuma some relief. Still, he didn’t want that conversation to end there. “Barok, if you ever feel like you’re… losing your battle, you can talk to me. We can always find another way, as long as we don’t give in.”
“I hope so.”
Kazuma brought a hand to his face, making Barok look at him. “You’re the kindest person I know…” He caressed Barok’s cheek with his thumb. “These thoughts you have… I know you can’t control them, but they’re not true.”
“You put too much faith in me.”
“Because you never gave me a reason not to.”
Barok reached for Kazuma’s hand, holding it against his face, briefly closing his eyes. “Hearing these words from you… It means more to me than you can imagine.”
Kazuma pulled Barok into a careful embrace, pressing his face against Barok’s neck, kissing it.
“It’s getting late,” said Barok a few minutes later. “We should go back to bed.”
“Alright.”
They stood up, making their way back to the bedroom with their hands joined. After lying on the bed, Kazuma faced Barok, opening his arms.
“Come here,” he said. “I’ll keep the nightmares away from you.”
Barok looked at him, seeming amused by that comment. “You never told me you have this kind of power.”
Kazuma showed a playful grin. “If I told you, I wouldn’t be able to catch them by surprise.”
Barok moved closer, resting his head on Kazuma’s chest, and Kazuma caressed his hair until he fell asleep.
Facing those bad days was never easy. Barok had done so much for him… Not only by taking him in as an apprentice, but also by reassuring and comforting him every time he realized something was wrong. It was thanks to him that Kazuma never felt alone in that foreign land… That, even in his worst days, he still found something worth fighting for.
If only he could do the same for Barok, he would be happy.
Barok was yanked out of his sleep by the feeling of hands firmly grabbing his shoulder, a distraught voice echoing close to him.
“Barok… Barok!”
“Kazuma…?” Barok jolted up, looking at a wide-eyed, terrified-looking Kazuma. His heart clenched with worry. “What’s wrong?”
Kazuma simply looked at him for a while. Then, without a word, he moved forward, hugging Barok tightly, burying his face on his shoulder. Barok placed a hand on his back, feeling more than hearing his small sobs.
He was crying.
It caught Barok off-guard: in the three years they spent together, Barok had only seen Kazuma cry twice: the first time was just a few weeks after Barok’s trial, when the false belief that he was losing his memories again led him to a state of deep despair; the second, when Barok woke up on a hospital bed after an assassination attempt.
He hugged Kazuma carefully, speaking in a low voice. “What happened?”
It took Kazuma a while to mutter an answer. “Nothing… I’m sorry for waking you.”
His answer did little to ease Barok’s concern. “Did you have a nightmare?”
“No, I…”
“What’s the matter, then?”
Kazuma moved away from Barok, drying his tears with his sleeve. “It’s just a stupid thing…”
Barok shook his head. “I disagree. If it is bothering you, it isn’t stupid, no matter how small it might seem.”
Kazuma stayed silent for a while, with his gaze low. As worried as he was, Barok gave him time.
“Waking up like this, holding your hand…” said Kazuma, finally. “For some reason, it reminded me of my mother.”
“Your mother?”
Kazuma nodded. “She sometimes would have trouble falling asleep, so I’d hold her hand and talk to her until she did. It was the same that night… But in the morning, she was cold and wouldn’t answer when I tried to wake her.” A heavy pause. “When I woke up, your hand was cold…” His sentence was cut by a low sob. “You weren’t moving, and for a moment I thought you…”
He stopped talking, covering his eyes with a hand. Barok pulled him close, kissing his head. “It’s alright,” he whispered. “Come, I’ll prepare a cup of tea for you.”
Kazuma agreed quietly, and Barok guided him to the kitchen, keeping a hand on his back. He pulled a chair for Kazuma, then turned on the gas stove to heat the water. For the following minutes, neither of them spoke a word.
Barok placed a cup of tea in front of Kazuma, who absentmindedly reached for it, bringing it only halfway to his lips. Barok observed him, taking a small sip from his cup.
A full minute passed before Kazuma finally spoke. “Sometimes…”
“Yes?” Barok encouraged him.
Kazuma struggled to continue. “Sometimes I wonder if… If I realized something was wrong earlier, could I have helped her?” He sounded frustrated. “I was right there… Why didn’t I notice anything…?”
His words weighed in Barok’s heart: he didn’t know Kazuma was plagued by those thoughts. “She was sick. It’s sad that she passed so young, but you did what you could for her.”
Kazuma nodded. “I didn’t know what to do without her.” He made a hesitant pause. “After that letter arrived, we weren’t welcome in my father’s clan anymore. So, when my mother died, I had no one. But then… Mr. Mikotoba took me in, despite knowing how much trouble it could cause him.”
Barok furrowed his brow. “Why would someone get in trouble for adopting a child?”
“It’s just how things are in my homeland,” said Kazuma. “Taking in a child that isn’t your own is…” He struggled briefly to find the words. “Not that well accepted. I never even questioned it until I started to study foreign law, and realized it’s different in other places.”
That sounded cruel, but Barok chose to keep his thoughts for himself, at least for the moment. Soon, Kazuma spoke again.
“Mr. Mikotoba gave me a place to stay, and paid for my studies… He treated me well, as his own child. But, in public, I was just another student.”
“Do you resent him for it?” asked Barok.
The question made Kazuma look at him, seeming surprised. “No, of course not. He did what he could to make me feel welcome. I’m the one who…” He stopped talking, briefly pressing his lips into a line, his hands tightening the grip on his cup. “I was constantly terrified of anyone finding out, and it affecting Mr. Mikotoba and Susato. So I… I kept my distance. Never allowed myself to act as part of their family. I thought it was for the better… I didn’t want them to suffer because of me.” He lowered his gaze. “But now… I miss it. I wish I could be with them again, and just… pretend that I belong there.”
“I don’t think you’d have to pretend,” said Barok. “They certainly care much about you.”
“They do… And I’ll never be able to repay them for everything they did.” Kazuma sighed. “I wish I could.”
“From what you said, it seems like Dr. Mikotoba considers you a son.” Barok rested his cup on the table, leaning closer to Kazuma, caressing his hair. “I don’t think a father would ever expect his child to repay him.”
“I know… But it still doesn’t seem fair.”
Barok considered the situation for a moment. “If it’s bothering you so much, why don’t you talk to him?”
A slightly nervous smile took Kazuma’s lips. “It’s not something I can write about in a letter. And… I don’t know if I can say this to his face.”
“I believe he would be happy to know you care so much about him and Miss Susato.”
“Maybe.”
Mentioning Susato brought a possibility to Barok’s mind. “Why not talk to her, then? You two are close, so I’m sure she would understand your feelings.”
Kazuma shifted in the same place, seeming uncomfortable with the idea. “I don’t know… I don’t want to burden her with how I feel.”
That was something about Kazuma that still bothered Barok: he always assumed that his feelings were a burden, and better kept locked in his chest. It was true that, with time, he became less reluctant to open up to Barok, but there were times when reaching out to him required much tact and patience.
“Kazuma…” said Barok. “How many times have you told me that my feelings aren’t a burden to others?”
Kazuma lowered his head. “It’s different…”
“How so?”
As he expected, Kazuma couldn’t answer. Barok lightly touched his cheek with his fingers, making Kazuma look at him.
“I understand it’s not easy…” Barok said. “You know how difficult it was for me to gather the courage to approach Iris. But I’m happier now that she is part of my life. And I owe it all to you.”
“Barok…”
“I didn’t know how much this was troubling you,” he continued, “and I wish I could do more to help. But I truly believe that talking to Dr. Mikotoba and Miss Susato might bring you some peace of mind.”
Kazuma stayed silent, thinking for a moment. Then, he nodded slowly, offering Barok a slight smile. “I already feel a little better after telling you this.”
“I’m glad to know,” Barok returned the smile. “Don’t keep these things to yourself.”
“Alright.”
Barok leaned forward, kissing Kazuma’s cheek. “Now, drink your tea before it gets cold.”
“Ah…” Kazuma looked at the cup in his hands, as if only then noticing it. He let out a small chuckle. “Right.”
Barok waited until he was done, then took their cups, bringing them to the counter. “Do you want to return to bed?”
Kazuma agreed. They went back to the bedroom, but instead of lying down, Barok sat with his back against the bed frame, gesturing for Kazuma to sit between his legs—and so he did, resting his back against Barok’s chest.
Barok reached for Kazuma’s hand, bringing it to his lips, kissing his knuckles. He then slowly left a trail of gentle kisses on Kazuma’s cheek, going down his neck and shoulder. Kazuma couldn’t hold back a small, amused laugh.
“Is being childish the secret for being coddled by you?” he asked.
“No,” Barok answered, his lips lightly touching Kazuma’s shoulder. “I simply don’t want you to think any of this has bothered me.” He hugged Kazuma’s waist. “You should get used to sharing your burdens with me.”
Kazuma didn’t answer, placing his arms over Barok’s. It wasn’t always easy to reach Kazuma’s heart, and even less to know how to help him. Yet, Barok had the feeling that he managed to get a little closer each day—and that, despite how difficult it was for him, Kazuma allowed him to do so, lowering his guard when the two of them were together, in a way he did with no one else.
Barok tightened his embrace, quietly hoping he could make Kazuma feel the same way he did in his arms: comfortable, warm… safe.