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It was the same thing every day. He went to work in the office — a nice boring job he found the week he'd gotten out of prison and never left. He'd been there three years now. It was easy work, really. He wasn't the boss, and while the work he did was needed. No one would miss him if he left. He'd be replaced, and that would be that. It was a far cry from the ambitious business he'd once been. It was a far cry from owning his own business. And he told himself he didn't miss it.
The truth was he liked keeping his head down. He had a few mates, mostly people met at the local pub and really didn't know past a few pints now and again and discussing random things. He spent most of his time at his flat and a nearby library.
The library was quiet, and he'd walked in one day when he'd been missing his mum. And thinking about how much she loved books — and how that was one of the things that got him through prison. Reading. He kept it up. It was meditative. It was sanity.
His life was small.
He tried dating a few times but never got past a second date with anyone. After that, when he got an itch, he just sought out simple, uncomplicated things to get him through. He was starting to wonder when he'd get too old for it…
He felt older than he was, and he knew it was because every year in prison felt like ten. He'd only served ten years. He wasn't even fifty yet, and it almost surprised him some days. Even if he felt older, he wasn't, not really, but when he'd walked into Rightworth, it felt like the end.
And he had ended all that mattered.
He never went back to Emmerdale.
He dreamt of it at night, though… His childhood. The hills. The Mill. Aaron's blue eyes were in competition with the blue skies. Not that he was sure his memory or his subconscious were gifting him with the right color.
He tried to grasp for it sometimes when he was awake. The same with Aaron's voice. And the same with his son. He knew where Seb lived. He lived in the same city as him and Rebecca. But he kept watch from afar and felt like a creeper sometimes when he went to the park or drove by the cottage Rebecca owned…
It was small. It looked like she had live-in carers. Seb seemed happy whenever he saw him — and now and again, he wrote a letter or dropped him a card on a special occasion. And he just hoped Rebecca wasn't throwing them away and told himself it was okay. He never left contact information.
He wondered if he'd ever believe he wasn't an arse for it.
Didn't stop him, though.
His life was small.
It was a normal daily routine.
And it was fine.
~~~
He was in the library. The science fiction section browsing through, trying to find something he hadn't already read that seemed interesting. It wasn't going well. Nothing seemed interesting, and he felt out of sorts. It wasn't one of his good days.
He sighed and turned down an aisle. He wasn't going to give up. He would walk out of here with four books like he always did. He liked his routines. He would just have to stop being picky about what he read. He didn't need it to be perfect. He just needed things to help him escape his own thought.
"Daddy, here…" a young voice shouted.
He looked up and could catch a glimpse of a young girl through the book shelving in the other aisle. He shook his head. She really should be in the children's section. And he felt annoyed. That other people were encroaching on his space. He reminded himself that he was in a public space, but it didn't stop how he felt.
Some days it was just hard to share the world.
He needed to pick up some books and get home.
"Lottie, this isn't where they told you to go…" a voice called after the kid.
"But look at all the books, Daddy."
"Yeah, I see them, but you aren't ready for them yet…."
Robert dropped the book he'd pulled out as the voice came closer. It was… it wasn't? He shook his head and swallowed. How many times had he thought he heard him or saw him out of the corner of his eye. How many times had he wished for…
"But Daddy… can I see that blue one."
"Lottie…" the patient exasperation was too familiar.
"Please?"
Robert shut his eyes. It was a man with his kid. That was all. It wasn't Aaron. With a kid. It wasn't his Aaron with someone else's kid. He swallowed over a lump and told himself to just stay put.
"Fine, alright, just so you can see, it's an adult book."
"But I'm a good reader."
"Yeah, I know…."
Robert put the book he'd dropped back and told himself to leave. Fast. To not look. He should not look.
"See."
"The print is so tiny," the little girl said.
"Yeah, yeah, it is…."
"What is hyper-light speed?"
"That's some fancy science word."
"Science? Like at school?"
"No uh…" the man — not Aaron — sighed. "It's science fiction."
"Like Doctor Who! Ooh, I need this book!"
"No…" he stammered.
Robert let out a strangled sound as the voice was Aaron. It was Aaron. He'd forgotten it years ago and hated himself for it. But he'd know anywhere. He knew it, and he never knew how hearing it again could hurt so deeply.
He heard the book being shelved… because he was hanging onto every sound they made. "Come on, Princess, we're gonna go to the kid's section across the hall. And work on your left and right some…."
"But I wanna…."
"When you're older alright… and who told you about Doctor Who?"
Their voices faded. They'd been walking away.
Robert felt things he couldn't handle. He couldn't do this. He couldn't be here. He stalked out of the aisle and groaned when he saw the bright colors for the kid's section out of the corner of his eye…
He wouldn't look.
He would not look.
He stopped where he'd have the best view of the section and looked.
Aaron.
Aaron was there, bending down to be the right right to talk to a little girl who could be anywhere between six or eight. She had Aaron's hair, he thought, and it hurt… He remembered dreaming about their future children. He always pictured little girls with dark curls and blue eyes. Girls whose boyfriends he'd threaten with shovels…
He shuddered a bit at the darker thought.
His eyes fell on Aaron.
His own hair was longer than Robert recalled him wearing it. Soft and fluffy. He was in a dark hoodie, of course, and his beard was fairly thick. He looked like Aaron, which meant he looked beautiful and perfect.
Just perfect.
He touched his own face and felt his beard.
At least he'd gotten to the point the long hair felt too hard to maintain.
He swallowed.
Now he was staring.
He should go… he needed to go. Aaron had a life. He had a life. He'd found someone and had a child with them. Maybe more. He looked happy. He was smiling and doting on the little girl. She kept calling him Daddy, and every time it felt like his heart was being stabbed.
He hated the jealousy. He wasn't allowed to be jealous. This is what he'd bloody wanted…
Didn't mean he had to look.
He turned to walk away.
"Mr. Sudgen!! Mr. Sugden!!."
The warm voice of the head librarian filled the air. He usually welcomed Millicent and her conversations. She reminded him of his mum, and she was always kind to him and checked in with him. She knew his story, and maybe he was almost a true friend. But right now, he was the last thing he needed….
He tried to keep walking.
"Robert," she yelled, using his first name.
He sighed and turned to wait for her. Kept his eyes on her. Aaron was busy with this life… His life. And he would focus on his. He tried to smile and fought to be polite and not brusque.
"Hello," Millicent smiled. "I found that book we discussed on your last visit."
"Oh, right… the one about generations of a farm family?"
"Yes, here it is."
He nodded and took it. "Thanks, uh… I need to get going."
"You haven't gotten any books?"
"Uh, yeah, nothing was appealing, but it's good you found this…" he held up the book.
"Aare you alright?" she looked at him with kind eyes.
"I'm…"
"Excuse me, we're having a private conversation…." Millicent said in her librarian tone to someone.
"Daddy?"
Robert turned his head and fell into blue blue eyes. His memory and subconscious had gotten it all wrong. All wrong. How had he forgotten…or was it he just couldn't capture that kind of perfect.
"Sir?"
"Robert…" Aaron said his name.
He said his name.
Robert gulped over a hard lump, and his eyes fell onto the child. Aaron's daughter. She had his eyes too. He found himself smiling, but he shook his head. "I need to go."
And he practically ran away.
~~~
He avoided the library for weeks.
But he needed to read.
And he told himself he wouldn't run into Aaron. Not again. It wasn't a normal stop for him and his daughter. Of course, it wasn't. It was safe. It could still be a safe place.
He wished he could stop thinking about Aaron. But that wasn't possible. After all, he had thought about it every day for thirteen years. Seeing him again didn't stop that — it made it worse.
Now he knew how he'd aged.
Now he knew Aaron had moved on.
And now he was facing thoughts and ideas he wished wasn't.
He liked the idea of Aaron moving on as more of an abstract concept. He wished it. He wanted it for him. Because all he wanted was for Aaron to be happy…
And he was. Clearly.
It was just… He'd never wanted to see it. Or know about it.
He sighed and started searching for books to read. Anything that could take him into a different world where he didn't need to think about the one thing in his life he would always deeply regret.
He was relieved the library remained the same. He was happy — he was — that he never saw Aaron out of the corner of his eye as he walked around. He walked up to the desk, and Millicent smiled when she saw him. He nodded and slid her book toward him.
"I really enjoyed it," he said.
She nodded. "I thought you would. I have something else for you."
"Oh? What is the book about?" he asked.
"Well, I don't know, you see." She slid an envelope toward him.
He recognized the handwriting on the front.
"I met Aaron," she said.
He shook his head.
"He came back the next day with this and begged me to give it to you."
"He came back…" he muttered.
"He was quite upset you ran off."
"No…" why would he?
"Robert?"
He snatched the envelope. "I'll just sign out these books," he said in a clipped tone.
Millicent opened her mouth but decided not to argue.
He went home.
He tucked the envelope into one of the books.
Then he put that book on the bottom of the pile.
He read the first three.
He went about his usual routines.
He went to the pub on Friday like always and chatted with Jake and Tom.
He ordered a whiskey instead of a last pint.
It went to his head faster than he recalled whiskey doing. It'd been years since he'd had any. He walked home feeling fuzzy and unsure it was working as the courage he was hoping for.
He sat down in his chair and picked up the book.
He pulled out the envelope.
He stared at his name in Aaron's handwriting.
He just stared at it.
He traced it with his fingers.
It was all he could do.
He went to bed.
It took over a week before he managed to open it. He chose to do it in his bedroom, sometime after midnight, after he couldn't sleep a wink. He felt like a coward, and he felt undeserving.
He opened it.
A single piece of paper fell out of it.
It had a phone number on it. And the sentence. I can't write. Call me.
Robert laughed.
He laughed.
And sighed.
He laid back down and stared at the ceiling.
Until it was past eight in the morning.
It was a Sunday.
He picked up his cell and put in the numbers.
He stared at them for a long time.
Then somehow, he pressed send.
It rang and rang.
He held his breath and hoped he wouldn't answer. Thought he might die if Aaron didn't answer.
"Hello?"
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
"Hello?" Aaron sounded irritated.
It was beautiful.
"Robert?"
He nodded and rolled his eyes at himself. "Yeah…" he managed to choke out.
"Fuck…" Aaron swore.
Robert felt himself laugh again.
"I thought you weren't going to call…."
"Almost didn't."
Aaron sighed.
"She's cute…your daughter…." Robert choked out.
"Yeah, don't know how…." Aaron laughed.
"I do…" she looks just like I thought our daughter would.
"Rob…there isn't…." Aaron sighed. "I can't do this over the phone."
"First no writing, now no phone…."
"If you hadn't run off, we could have…." Aaron sighed. "Look…I need to find a babysitter but can we… can I see you at yours? Or somewhere? Anywhere Rob?"
Rob.
He clenched his jaw to try to stop from crying. "Yeah, yeah…I'll text you my address."
"Yeah…" Aaron sounded shocked.
Robert was too.
~~~
He hesitated after typing his address into a text.
He did hesitate.
His heart beat wildly in his chest.
He felt.
Too much.
And it was new.
He hit send.
And the panic hit.
He was a mess. He was an absolute mess. And his flat wasn't much better off. He didn't know how far Aaron was or close. But he flew into a shower and was out a minute later. Toweling dry his hair as he tried to figure out what to put on…
He picked a blue shirt, a lot like the ones he owned a life ago. He hadn't changed his style. Really, he'd found comfort in finding similar clothes. He pulled on his jeans and ran his hands over his beard.
Aaron would hate it.
Or would he?
Did he have a right to guess what Aaron was thinking?
What was Aaron thinking?
He hurried around, picking up his clutter, putting his books in piles and straightening the cushions, and cleaning up dishes in his sink. He was pacing the length of his flat when there was a buzz…
Aaron was downstairs.
He buzzed him up, and second, third, fourth, and fifth thoughts flew through his mind. This wasn't a good idea. This was a bad idea. This wasn't…
He couldn't do this.
A knock sounded on his door.
And he couldn't open it fast enough.
And Aaron stumbled right in, their bodies hit, and they stepped back. They both laughed, and Robert wanted Aaron to never stop. Aaron stared at him and stepped forward. Robert closed the door behind him and waved his hands around his small flat. "It's not much."
"It's… you."
"Is it?" Robert laughed.
Aaron picked up a graphic novel that was on a nearby table. "I remember this, a favorite, yeah?"
"Yeah…uh, kind of a comfort read…reading's…" he trailed off, unsure he was ready to share his coping mechanisms. He swallowed. "Um, do you want coffee?"
"Beer?"
"It's not even noon, Aaron."
Aaron laughed again and shrugged. "Nervous."
Robert nodded and nodded. "Um…"
Aaron bit his lip and looked around. "Live here to be near Seb?"
Of course, Aaron knew where Seb lived, and Robert smiled. But he shook his head. "I haven't… I don't see him."
"Robert…"
It wasn't disappointment. He'd know that sound anywhere, but he wasn't sure what it was really… He sighed. "I just didn't know how and I didn't know what she'd do…."
Aaron nodded. "She shoots me down every time I try."
"You try?"
"Yeah… Not soon enough. I never should have let her just cut me out…." Aaron stared at him. "But, yeah, I try…don't push. I try a week or so before his birthday every year… hoping someday she'll change her mind."
"I hope she does."
"You might have better luck."
"He's happy…." Robert sighed.
"How do you know."
"It's not stalking…."
Aaron shook his head. "Only you."
"Maybe it is a bit, but it's not…."
"He's your son."
"How old is she?"
"Lottie…going on eight, though it may as well be eighteen."
"She's…she looks just like you."
"Yeah, uh…"
"Who is he?"
Aaron shook his head.
"It's alright. You don't owe me…."
"There is no he."
His heart leaped into his throat, but he pushed down the need for it to mean something. "Did you break up?"
"I um… I did surrogacy on my own."
"You what?"
"I had… we set up that donation, yeah?"
Robert nodded.
"I just… no one I met worked out. But I… I missed Seb, and I wanted a family. I decided there was no reason I couldn't try. I never thought. I really thought I was crazy, and no surrogate would want a single man with my past… but I met one. And yeah… Lottie's just mine."
"Oh."
"She's been asking me what science fiction since the library… trying to get her new room settled and…."
"You've moved here then?"
"Yeah… I um, bought a garage."
"Back to being a mechanic?"
Aaron nodded.
Robert shifted on his feet.
"I don't know…." Aaron sighed. "You ran away."
Robert looked down.
"I called after ya."
"I heard you."
"But you ran away."
"I…she was… You clearly moved on, had a life…, and I told you I wanted you to do that, and I'm happy you have. I just didn't want to see it… and maybe…."
"What?"
"I cut you out. I ended us…." Robert's voice broke. "It was the… I never wanted… it hurts to see ya."
Aaron wiped at his eyes and nodded.
"God, I missed ya crying."
Aaron chuckled and sniffed.
"I'm… why did you, why did you…."
"Give ya my number?"
"Yeah."
Aaron stared at him. "I've… I left Emmerdale, I sold the scrapyard and left. And I never looked back. Once. I missed my mum and Paddy, but… I hate going there to visit. It always feels wrong. The rest of the world felt… better but only because…."
"Because?"
"I didn't know what it felt like with you."
"Aaron…"
"I'm not saying I want anything… or that I will."
"It's okay…." Robert muttered, not meaning it.
"No, it's not."
"No. It's not. I'm not… I'm not the same."
Aaron stepped forward and touched his elbows.
Robert looked at the patches.
"Not all that different."
"Says Mr. Hoodie."
"I'm not either. The same."
"Why would you want anything to do with me?"
"Robert…" Aaron shook his head. "Maybe for once we could try to be mates."
"Think we can?"
"No…" Aaron smiled. "I think we'll be awful at it. But I want to try anyway."
"I'd… really love that."
"Good."
"How about… we um go get breakfast somewhere? There is this little place down the street…."
Aaron nodded.
Robert walked over and grabbed his jacket, and he felt Aaron's eyes on him as he shrugged on the leather. "What?"
"Just… deja vu."
"That might happen a lot, yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Slow," Aaron said.
"What's the definition of that?"
"Maybe we can stop by the library and look it up."
Robert laughed.
Aaron nudged him.
They walked in silence but with barely a space between them. They talked for hours. They decided to make plans for a weekly breakfast and did just that for half a year — as they slowly spent more and more time together. Slowly built up a connection, and slowly Robert let Aaron push him to reach out to Seb…
Slowly Robert got to know Lottie.
Slowly Robert fell her.
And for Aaron.
Again.
And when they remarried, it was three years later, and it lasted for the entirety of their lives.