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His fingers itched as he stopped in front of the card display. He'd been passing it for over a week now when he stopped into the store for random things before heading to his flat from work. He liked his new life. It was quiet in ways that life in Emmerdale never was. Not with his family around. He was only really in touch with Cain. Calling his mum and Paddy just enough. They wouldn't blow up his phone or threaten to visit him.
He found a job as a mechanic and wondered at first if he'd be okay with not being the boss. But it took a lot of stress off him, and he was good at it and had already earned a promotion. He liked his boss. He had pints with his co-worker.
It was all nice.
There was an empty space, though.
It wasn't Ben.
A bit of guilt poked at him, but it was easily shrugged off. He mourned him and missed him. But he'd been able to move forward and let go. He'd been able to take the good from their time and leave it be.
No, the empty space belonged to Robert.
And his birthday was in a week, and he was staring at the birthday cards on display. He bit his lip and told himself it was pointless. Robert cut off contact — yes, he'd sent a letter or two to him and Vic. But combined, that could be counted on one hand.
Aaron wrote a note back to his letter. He assumed it'd been delivered. That Robert read it — that he knew he was forgiven. And he was — Aaron hated it, but he got it.
There was no good way for them to end.
Did we end?
Letting go of Robert was a process he'd say he was in the midst of… But was he…his eyes kept going over the cards. With florid writing, bright colors, flowers, and things that would make Robert roll his eyes — things that weren't Aaron, either.
Until his eyes fell on one card. It was a white background. The lettering was gold but simple, not ornate. And it said: I love you, Husband. He picked it up and flicked it open. Inside was the words happy birthday in the same simple gold lettering and nothing else.
He shook his head. They weren't married, but it felt true. It would always feel true. It felt true because they'd made vows without any official decree. The piece of paper was just…
A bow.
Their marriage was in his blood.
Robert was turning thirty-six … That was all. It felt young. It felt wrong. It was happening while he was inside prison, and Aaron felt rage at it all rising up. Angry, it all fell apart on them, and how he kept wondering if they could have handled it better…
If they'd just fought harder.
If he'd fought.
He walked up to the counter with the card in his hand and paid for everything. He went home. Made himself some food, grabbed a beer, and zoned out to his television. All the while pretending he didn't keep glancing at the card on his kitchen counter.
He went to bed.
Or tried too.
He shook his head and was back downstairs. He found a pen. He grabbed the card, and he sat down. He started at the blank portion of the card and frowned...
He was bad words.
That was Robert's strength.
He took a breath and started to write.
He stared at the words, and both nodded and shook his head at them. He put the card in its envelope and addressed it to the prison, to Robert — pretending it wasn't strange, he knew it all by heart.
The next morning he mailed it on his way to work.
~~~
"You've got mail, Sugden."
The words sounded surreal, and he stared at the guard. The man looked bored and hurried as he held out the envelope. Nevertheless, it took a beat for him to take it. Unsure how it was possible. The few times he'd written to Vic, he'd told her not to write back — she did, but she kept it replies. He made the first move. She made a second.
He never made a third.
"Sugden, I don't have all day."
He snatched the letter. His head down, he walked to an empty table. A bit away from the rest of his fellow inmates in the recreation room. Not that there was much recreation. He sat down and put it in front of him. And felt his heart lurch at the handwriting.
It was atrocious. A messy scrawl. Hurried writing. Like he just wanted to get over with. A lot like how he talked. Say it fast, get it out. No reason to say more than was needed.
Aaron should have nothing to say to him.
It was said.
He ended them. He apologized for how. Aaron somehow wrote the words I forgive you. Not that Robert believed him. Not that he forgave himself. He stared at the envelope. It was already open. Like somehow, Aaron could have mailed him an escape route…
He sighed.
He just sat there for a long time. Stuck with wanting to open it and afraid to open it. Why had he sent him something? He swallowed, and worries started to attack him. Was something wrong with Vic? Seb? Aaron himself? Why would they tell him?
He was useless.
He was unneeded.
But the worry was under his skin now, so he finally pulled the insides out of the envelope. And dropped it…
The word husband stared up at him in gold. He coughed hard and painfully. His breath literally caught in his throat, and he glared at the word. He wasn't allowed…why would Aaron send him that?
Then he saw the happy birthday and wondered if it was even April. What was the time? He wasn't tracking the days. He knew a lot of his fellow inmates counted them down. But his time left was vast. It felt like too many days to count. The thought of counting it down made him sweat. He swallowed hard and realized he'd lost all sense of time. Time wasn't something that mattered here.
He glanced around and saw a guard within his earshot. "Hey, what's the date?"
The guard gave him a bored look. "The 22nd of April, mate."
Huh. On the nose.
Robert looked back at the card… Happy Birthday, Husband. He'd only gotten to wake up those words once. Aaron's voice scratched against his ear, and his beard was scratchy against his face. A birthday kiss…
He touched his mouth.
He never had much luck with his birthdays. But his last one before prison had been perfect. Him and Aaron, family, cake, laughter…. He hadn't cared about the presents. All he'd needed was Aaron.
Everything. Aaron was everything.
And he lost it.
Of course, he did.
He fiddled with the card. Wondered if Aaron wrote something inside, but it felt doubtful. Aaron wasn't much for words. Though he wasn't much for buying cards either…
Especially for husbands who no longer were.
He flipped the card open.
There was that perfect scrawl again.
I miss you. I'm saying it. I miss ya. Everyday. And I know we have divorce papers, but we were married without papers too, Robert. Married. Married! We're…
I miss ya.
You shouldn't be in there.
And I love ya.
I think I'll always love ya...
Happy birthday, My husband.
He wiped at his cheeks furiously, trying to stop the tears, and inhaled hard to stop his chin from wobbling. Stop himself from showing what he was feeling — not here. Not with eyes on him. He inhaled, again and again, and felt lightheaded.
Felt strange.
He reread it over and over again.
Then the announcement for phone time blared on the speakers.
And he stood up.
He found himself in the line for the first time.
Aaron's number in his head. Over and over. Had he changed it?
He felt terrified as he finally plugged it into the phone.
It rang.
And rang.
He wasn't going to answer.
He had changed his number.
"What?"
Robert gasped at the sound of his voice.
"Hello?"
He tried to talk, but emotion seemed to shut down his vocal chords.
"Robert?"
"Yeah…" he breathed.
"Uh…hi…" he heard Aaron rolling his eyes.
"What was that?" Robert accused.
"What? The card?"
"Aaron?" his name felt too right on his tongue.
"I meant it. All of it."
"We're… I let you go."
"Yeah, and I let ya… but…."
"No, Aaron, it's…."
"It's not…." Aaron inhaled sharply. "It's not too much to ask. It's not Robert. I tried to move on. I did…for a bit because everyone said to…because I thought it was honoring what you did, why you did it…."
Robert gripped the phone at the thought of him with someone else.
"But…I never stopped. I can't stop. Not with you. Not with you. You're a piece of me, and it's your birthday, and you shouldn't be alone."
"Aaron…" he fought, not cry.
"Just say it, Robert. Please?"
He shook his head, but he nodded slowly, knowing Aaron couldn't see him but would know. He'd know. "Thank you for the birthday card, Husband."
"You're welcome…." Aaron swallowed. "Can I see ya?"
"I'll sort it."
A surprised gasp and an insecure. "You will?"
"Yeah…" he breathed. "I'll sort it."
"Robert…"
"I know."
Aaron chuckled, but Robert knew he was shaking his head. "I love you."
Loud.
Distinct.
Real.
"I love you more."