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Regulus walked around Hogwarts with his head held high. He walks around like he is the shit. He knows that some people laugh at him as he walks by. He knows his brother thinks he actually believes what their parents say. He walks around with his head held high because it’s the only way he can make it to class.
His heart speeds up when people look in his direction, and he pushes down the feeling of needing to throw up every time he hears his name. He acts like he’s better than everyone because his parents drilled it into him. It’s muscle memory, and that is the only thing stopping Regulus from hiding away for the rest of his life.
He doesn’t want to be held higher in Slytherin because of his name. He doesn’t want to be hated by the other houses. He doesn’t want to keep up this act with his brother. He wants so desperately to be like his brother, to be in Gryffindor. He wished to have his confidence, and he wished to be able to stand up to their parents.
As he looks into the mirror, Mother’s voice bounces around his head. When he sees Sirius, her voice is back. Every meal, he can hear her voice yelling at him. When he walks, he feels his pants slightly stick to his thighs, in a painful way. He never shows an elation when someone accidentally hits him, or someone brushes past him and touches the sensitive area.
He gracefully avoids people's touches. Ducking under arms, and stepping away when they got too close. Regulus always longed to allow someone to touch him, to hold him, but touch always led to pain.
Regulus was walking into the Great Hall, and he tended as someone brushed against his shoulder. He noticed it was one of his brother’s friends, James. He watched as James met Sirius at the Gryffindor table, and he longed to follow. Instead, he walked to the Slytherin table, and he forced a not-suspicious amount of food into his plate. He tried ignoring his mother’s yelling in his ears, and he unconsciously sucked in his stomach. He swallowed hard to continue getting food down. His hand was shaking slightly, and he wanted to be anywhere other than at the Slytherin table. Once he saw another student, a Hufflepuff in the grade below him, get up, he quickly followed. He couldn’t be the first one out. He gave the excuse of homework, and he began making his way to a small corner of the castle. He went there a lot, and only a few people have ever found him.
He curls up against a window overlooking the grounds. He stayed like that for a bit, focusing on the green of nature. His mother’s voice slowly faded, along with the feeling of wanting to throw everything he just forced down his throat, back up. He closed his eyes briefly, exhaling. He allowed himself to relax. When he opened up his eyes again, he pulled out a muggle book. It was a gay romance, and Regulus, a hopeless romantic, loved it.
“Coming up with plans to hex us?” Sirius’ voice rang out. Regulus tensed, snapping his book shut. “Oh, I got that right, did I?” Regulus suppressed a flinch at the laughter thrown at him.
“No, it’s a muggle book,” Regulus muttered. He quickly tried shoving it in his bag, but his hand was caught by someone else’s.
“Hm, then you’ll let us take a look?” James asked, smirking. Regulus froze. He tried tugging the book away from James, no luck. Blood rushed to his feet as James began opening it.
“James-“ Remus began speaking, but was cut off by Sirius.
“Come on, Prongs, read it out for the class,” Sirius laughed. Regulus felt his heart constrict. His mother’s voice returned, stronger than before. Regulus felt so lightheaded that he stumbled slightly.
“Sirius, please-“ Regulus begged, reaching out for the book. There were annotations in that book. He’d read it so many times that the borders were full of them. His thoughts were poured into that book. His heart was concealed in the pages.
“Oh, writing in a book, very ‘unpureblooded’ of you, Regulus,” James tensed. Regulus knew he was reading them. Regulus watched as James’ eye began scanning the book, reading.
“Stop, please,” Regulus whispered. He felt like he could pass out at any moment. He felt tears gather in his eyes, proving just how out of it he was getting. Regulus staggered, once again, towards James.
“Guys, we should-“ Remus tried once again. Regulus felt the blood leave his body as James started talking.
“‘I would give my life to have something relatively close to what he had’,” James read. Regulus stumbled agin, not bothering to catch himself.
“Stop, stop, stop, please, don’t- don’t read anymore.” Regulus knew tears were flowing now. His mother’s voice was loud in his ears, booming in his head. “Please, you- you don’t understand. You can’t- I need- Don’t take- Please.” Regulus knew his sentences weren’t being finished. His mind ran faster than his mouth ever could. He felt his breaths catching up with his thoughts. He flinched violently when something touched him on his shoulder. He hit his head.
He pushed his hands against his ears. All he could hear was his mother’s yells. He dug his nails into his head, pushing harder against his head. His mind was running so fast, nothing being processed. He was struggling to remember what caused this. He tensed, hoping he wasn’t at Grimmauld Place. He hoped with all of his being that his mother’s voice was in his head.
He shakily removed one hand from his ear, the screaming didn’t get louder, so Regulus had no guess of where he was. His mind was running too fast to recite anything. All that he could process was the shrill yelling running marathons in his head. He pressed his hand roughly against his thigh. He tried grounding himself. He pushed his finger tips against the fabric of his pants.
The pain grounded him enough, so he could hear voices talking to him behind his mother’s. He put his hands against the ground, and he shakily pushed himself up. The world was blurry, and everything seemed to be melting. He made out shapes of people around him. Two to be exact. Regulus pushed away from the two shapes, and he continued until he slammed his back against the wall. Pain shot through his back, and the shadows were following him.
Suddenly, Regulus lurched sideways, and the small amount he forced himself to eat earlier was on the ground. He waved his hand in the direction, and he cleaned it up. He knew that smell by heart, he didn’t always want to go all the way to the bathroom after a meal.
Regulus closed his eyes, and he knocked his head against the wall, relaxing. When he opened them again, he regretted it instantly. The fog had cleared, and standing in front of him was James and Sirius. He quickly went to cover his face, but he froze when he saw his hands. He had blood covering most of his fingers. He saw out of the corner of his eye, Sirius stepping forward. His steps were heavy, and his arm outstretched. Regulus stayed still as Sirius came closer.
Eventually, Sirius grabbed his hands. “Reggie, I’m so sorry. Remus is getting Poppy now.” Regulus heard, but didn’t acknowledge, what Sirius said. He continued staring at his hands, covered in blood, being held in his brother’s. He stayed frozen, silent, looking away from the other two until they heard two sets of footsteps rushing towards him.
Regulus yanked his hands away from his brother, and he rushed to get up. His legs were still shaking, so he fell down roughly. Sirius’ hands instantly shot out, and Regulus flinched back.
“Where’s Regulus, Sirius?” A woman’s voice. She sounded very different from Regulus’ mother.
“Here, be careful,” Sirius warned. Regulus wanted to laugh. Why was Sirius protecting him?
“Of course.” The footsteps approached him, and he wanted to run. Leave and never come back. “Regulus, hey, you out of it?” She even looked like she was kinder than his mother. Her laugh was airy. “Are you hurt, Regulus?” Regulus numbly held up his hands. He didn’t know why he was doing as she asked, but his brain felt like it was on the brink of falling apart.
“Oh dear, where’s this from?” Regulus brought his hands back to his ears, not digging his nails in, but still showing Poppy what happened. “Dear,” she sounded sad.
“Um, Poppy, that’s not the only thing,” James spoke up. “He started digging his hand into his thighs, and I think he’s bleeding there too.” Regulus wanted to die. They can’t see that, especially if they already read his book.
“Oh, god, I’ll take him to the Infirmary. You boys do as you’d like, but I need a second along with him.” Regulus popped onto a stretcher, and he was surprised when, instead of walking, Poppy apperated then into the Infirmary.
“I don’t normally do that, but I think you’re a little special.” Regulus didn’t know how to feel about that. He didn’t get much time to think though as Poppy was already checking him over. “Dear, I must apologize, but I need you to remove your pants. I need to check your thighs.” Regulus only obliged because he was very close to passing out. He heard a strange gasp as his pants slid to the floor. His eyes were getting harder to keep open.
What Regulus didn’t know is that his thighs were heavily bleeding, blood still rolling down his legs. He didn’t know that Remus, Sirius, and James were rushing through the school, pushing through crowds of people, to get to the infirmary. He didn’t know that his book was safely tucked inside his bag, and it was as soon as the marauders realized Regulus was actually freaking out. He didn’t realize the guilt that was flooding James’ veins, Sirius as well. He was unaware of Remus yelling at them as they raced through corridors.
He didn’t know that later he would be reciting the story. He didn’t know that soon Sirius would begin dragging Regulus around with his friend, declaring Regulus is ‘one of them’. He didn’t know that soon he would have friends, maybe more in James’ case, that he would be able to reveal his mind to.