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Johnny hasn’t been himself for over a week, and Roy is definitely worried now. He is so much quieter than usual, which is never a good sign with Johnny. Roy had to admit that for the first few days, he rather enjoyed the silence. Not in a “thank God Johnny is quiet” kind of way, but in a “silent Squad rides can be peaceful” type of way. Johnny can talk Roy’s ear off when he’s excited, but this hardly bothers Roy. It’s how Roy knows Johnny’s happy; Roy just enjoys his silence from time to time. He can’t resist the way Johnny glows like Roy’s personal sun when he talks about the things he loves, either. Roy basks so effortlessly in Johnny’s glow.
By the end of the third day of this, Roy missed the sound of Johnny’s voice. He seemed so much dimmer, like campfire ashes—still glowing but dim red instead of bright yellow. Roy thinks back to the last week to see if he might have missed something the would explain Johnny’s behavior, but he comes up empty. He was out sick one day, but surely if something big had happened, Johnny would’ve told him.
All of Roy’s attempts at understanding it resulted in clipped “I’m fines”. Roy knew better than to push Johnny when it came to things like this; it only made Johnny double down harder. But Roy really missed his partner.
Roy decides at 4 AM on day nine that this can’t go on any longer. He already feels guilty for letting Johnny hurt as long as he has.
This is how Roy finds himself in front of Johnny’s apartment door at precisely 4:33 AM, fist raised, knocking lightly. He considers knocking again, but the door swings open before he can.
“Roy? Do you know what time it is, pally?” Johnny says, shooting Roy a questioning look. He’s still dressed in the street clothes he wore to the station and Roy faintly smells pizza. He hasn’t slept; another horrible sign.
“Early. But this couldn’t wait. Can I come in?” Roy asks, gesturing past Johnny’s door.
Johnny swings the door open without protest. Roy places his keys on the side table next to the door.
“What couldn’t wait?” Johnny says, standing awkwardly in his living room.
“You. What is up with you?”
“I’m f—”
“No. No more ‘I’m fines’. Time’s up. Talk to me,” Roy says, cutting his partner off. It’s funny, Roy’s usually the one who needs the tough love.
Johnny sighs while he walks to the couch and sits down. It’s an exhausted, annoyed sound that Roy doesn’t like. He’s quiet for a long moment before Roy hears an intake of breath.
“Remember how you were gone that day last week?” Johnny says, looking straight ahead.
Roy mutters an affirmative ‘mhm’ and joins Johnny on the couch.
“Well, I was talkin’ to the guys about my bike, right? The one I rescued from the junkyard fire last month. And I dunno, maybe I was talkin’ too much or something ‘cause I think they got annoyed,” he continues, fiddling with his fingers as he speaks.
“Did Chet say something?” Roy asks immediately. Chet is nice, truly—he just isn’t particularly tactful. He has a real knack for getting under Johnny’s skin.
“No, Mike actually.”
“Mike?” Roy says. “That doesn’t seem like him.”
“Yeah, it surprised me, too. But he likes quiet; guess I was annoying him or something.”
“What’d he say?”
“’You’re a lot to take in sometimes,’” he says in a flat voice with an even flatter expression.
Roy takes a second to let this information sink in. Mike wasn’t trying to be malicious; he wasn’t the type. Mike does, however, have a tendency to not beat around the bush, but that bluntness can be hard for some people, especially Johnny. Was this really the catalyst for Johnny’s recent mood? The comment seems perhaps a little ill-advised to Roy, but it’s obviously much deeper for Johnny.
“Is that what’s been bugging you all week?” Roy asks, genuine and nonjudgmental. He is trying to understand Johnny’s perspective, not invalidate his feelings.
“It’s just… it’s not the first time I’ve heard something like that. I thought the guys were some of the few people who don’t feel that way about me, is all. I know I’m a lot to deal with; just thought they didn’t mind. Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t gotten tired of me yet.”
Oh. Oh no.
It clicks for Roy. Johnny probably already believes he takes up too much space in the world as it is, and Mike effectively confirmed it—albeit accidentally. Johnny’s thoughts have probably been running him into the ground since. The shame Roy can see in his eyes physically aches.
The whole thing seems so absurd to Roy. Johnny does take up space, to be fair, but so does everyone else. Johnny shouldn’t have to change who he is because other people cannot handle him. Johnny’s passion is one of the best parts about him. It’s unfathomable to Roy that anyone would disagree, or paint it as a negative trait. Even if he takes off the rose-tinted glasses he admittedly wears when he’s with Johnny, he still feels the same. He isn’t angry with Mike so much; Roy sincerely doubts Mike intended to hurt Johnny. He is specifically mad at all the people who have used it to hurt Johnny and caused him to feel ashamed of his effervescent presence in the world.
He racks his brain for what to say; looking for the thing that would have even a halfway decent shot of making Johnny see himself the way Roy does. His mind drifts to the book of poetry lying face down on his coffee table back home. Roy breathes in slowly.
“all i want you to know is that you deserve to be heard
for 3 minutes
for 10 minutes
for 2 hours
forever.
there will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your wisdom, your heart;
mostly because they can’t handle their own. but you will never be
and have never been
‘too much’”
Johnny’s head turns slowly towards Roy, mouth agape and eyes full of a confrontational kind of confusion. Roy knows he’s challenging a deeply held self-belief Johnny has, and that is difficult to even hear, let alone accept.
“You mean, I’m not… you don’t think I’m annoying?” Johnny asks in a voice so small Roy thought he might shrink completely.
Roy scoots closer and takes Johnny’s hand in his. He rubs his thumb over the skin, smooth despite Johnny rarely wearing his gloves during rescues.
“You are exactly what I love, exactly who I love, and exactly enough for me.”
Roy’s arms suddenly fill up with Johnny. They lay in each other’s embrace for a long while before Johnny speaks.
“I’m not sure if I agree, but I believe you,” Johnny says, shifting so his head rested under Roy’s chin. “So, thank you. I needed to hear that. I love you; you know. So damn much.”
“I love you, too. And that’s okay; I’ve got plenty of time to convince you,” Roy says, kissing the top of his partner’s head.