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Johnny isn’t big on anniversaries. Or birthdays. Or holidays.
Roy knows that. Johnny had confided in Roy about his rough history with his family a long time ago. It still didn’t seem to curb Roy’s hopes, though.
Roy isn’t normally so naïve, but he still thought Johnny would at least acknowledge their sixth month anniversary. That was a few days ago, and Johnny has been silent on the subject. The whole thing is silly, really; they’ve been working together a lot longer than six months and Roy has never felt the need to celebrate.
But this is different. What if Johnny isn’t as serious about this as Roy is and that’s why he hasn’t said anything? Roy loves Johnny, and he thought Johnny loves him back, but now he isn’t so sure.
It all stings and eats away at Roy in a way that makes him feel rather pathetic. What does it matter, really? He’s still with Johnny, isn’t that enough?
It should be, he wants it to be, but it isn’t.
Roy arrives home after a particularly mundane shift, still so exhausted despite it. His key sticks in his lock, icing on his already existing cake of frustration. He turns it with force, grateful it doesn’t break, but annoyed by the minor cut it makes on his thumb.
He almost slips on a piece of paper when he steps inside. He finds two more in the living room leading to the kitchen. Dropping his keys onto the table next to the door, he picks up the slip tentatively. It’s a little dirty from his shoe, but he finds practiced handwritten script on it.
“i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)”
Roy's breath hitches. This has been his favorite poem since he was a kid. He even read it to Johnny once on some long-forgotten sunny afternoon in the park.
He makes his way over to the second piece.
“i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you”
That has always been Roy’s favorite stanza. It took on new meaning after he got together with Johnny. ‘Whatever a sun will always sing is you’ feels like the author wrote it with Johnny in mind.
Roy bends down and picks up the next slip of paper.
“here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart”
He looks down at his feet for the last part of the poem but comes up empty. There should be one more. A voice draws his attention forward.
“i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)”
Walking into the kitchen, Roy finds Johnny standing rather nervously in front of the kitchen table. Chinese and Mexican takeout containers rest on the table with some tea lights in the center. The lights are dimmed, giving everything a nice soft glow. This is what a typical night off looks like with Johnny, and he’d take this over a big romantic display any day.
Roy opens his mouth to speak, but Johnny cuts him off with a wave of his hand.
“You know I don’t like anniversaries, but I want to have happy ones with you. So, I’m going to try, starting now,” Johnny says, his posture so wary, like he’s expecting Roy to come down on him at any moment.
“This certainly seems like a good start to me, junior,” Roy responds, gesturing toward the table and the slips of paper still in his hand. “You know I love this poem.”
“I remember you reading it to me a while back. Sounded nice, coming from your voice. I didn’t wanna mess up how it sounds, so I wrote it down. Uh, several times; to make the script look nice.” His demeanor looks more relaxed, but still not his usual self.
“It’s really great, Johnny, honest. But you didn’t have to go to all this trouble or make yourself uncomfortable.”
Johnny moves from his spot, and Roy half expects to find nail marks with how still Johnny was standing. He puts a gentle hand on each of Roy’s elbows.
“You’re worth all the trouble in the world. I love you; I hope you know that.”
Roy smiles and feels himself blush. He gives Johnny a slow, sweet kiss before pulling away.
“I know that. I love you too; don’t let the doubt creep in.”
Johnny flashes that grin that always lights Roy’s world on fire and leans in for another kiss. Roy thinks about a few lines from the poem.
“here is the deepest secret nobody knows”
Roy knows. He knew all along.