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Satine had been dreading and anticipating visiting her mother and Bo. Dreading it because whenever she saw Bo, she would find herself thinking about how things could have been if she had been able to stand up to her mother after she gave birth to Bo. And then the guilt would be so powerful.
But she loved Bo so she always wanted to see her despite the pain. She loved seeing how she was growing so fast. Her daughter who everyone believed was her sister. She was already so strong willed and sure of herself. Satine hoped she would never let people push her around, even those close to her. She had so much personality now too and was so spunky.
In a way she reminded Satine of her father. That caused guilt too because she knew how much Obi-Wan would have loved her, right? He wouldn’t have abandoned his child like most Jedi did, right? No, she knew Obi-Wan. He would have been there for Bo. He would have been an amazing father and would have adored Bo.
But she hadn’t told him so now he didn’t even know he had a child. Satine hadn’t even seen Obi-Wan in years. Since before Bo had been born.
Satine sighed and walked to her mother and daughter’s door. She knocked and almost as soon as she moved her hand away, the door flung open and Bo threw herself at Satine. Bo was only three but she was tall for her age. Satine had been the same way. That was one way that she was like Satine at least. Really she reminded her so much more of Obi-Wan.
It was amazing and wonderful, but hard at the same time.
Bo was so much wilder than Satine had been. People used to say that Satine had been a calm child, especially for a Mandalorian. Bo wasn’t like that. She had energy that seemed to go on and on.
“Satine! Satine! Satine!” Bo said jumping up and down and then grabbing Satine’s hand. She was wearing a puffy blue dress and had a blue bow in her hair even though Bo was a tomboy and didn’t like to wear things like this. Mother made her wear them. She said that Bo needed to learn to be a little lady and not just a typical Mandalorian.
“You’re in a good mood today,” Satine said. She couldn’t help but smile at the energetic child. Stars, she looked like a little girl version of Obi-Wan. It was so adorable.
“I missed you,” Bo said. Her eyes were so lit up. So happy. “I gots new toys!”
“You do?” Satine asked as she took Bo’s hand. Bo’s little hand felt right in hers. For a second, Satine had a flash of how things could have been. She could have held Bo’s hand as she walked her to preschool. And then when Satine picked up her daughter, she would run up and hug her, telling her all the adventures she had that day.
A lump formed in Satine’s throat and she wiped her eyes with the hand that wasn’t holding Bo’s. Bo didn’t notice that Satine was upset and pulled Satine to her playroom. One thing Mother had always been good about and that was buying children toys. Satine had way more than she needed as a child, which as she got older made her feel guilty because some went without.
Bo had a playroom full of them too. Some were toys that used to be Satine’s but most were new ones.
Unlike when Satine had been a child, the room was messy with toys all over the floor. She was pretty sure there was paint on the wall also which meant Mother didn’t go in here much. Satine had always made sure her playroom and room were clean.
“You have a lot of toys,” Satine said wanting to pick up Bo. She still had that little girl scent like clay and paint and little girl shampoo and just all Bo. But she didn’t pick her up because Bo always said that she was a big girl and only babies got picked up.
“I got new ones!” Bo said and then she let go of Satine’s hand and started to dig in a toy chest. She tossed the unwanted toys on the floor as she looked for the desired ones.
Satine watched Bo. Bo’s bow was starting to fall out of her hair, so Satine went over to try to adjust it. Satine half expected that she would push her away and say no, but she let her fix it. Even small things like this made Satine think of how things could have been.
If she had gotten to raise Bo as her daughter like she was supposed to, she could help Bo with her hair every day. Maybe every day she would have brushed Bo’s beautiful hair, which was so much like her father’s, while she sat on her lap and told her about her friends at school and toys.
Satine bit the inside of her mouth so she wouldn’t react.
“There, your bow is fixed,” Satine said. “You look so much like your father.”
She hadn’t meant to say that last part. It had just slipped out. Stars, Satine shouldn’t have said that. Bo didn’t know the truth. She thought she was Mother’s.
“Really? I look like Buir?” Bo asked, her green eyes wide. She thought that she was referring to Satine’s father.
Satine smiled and tickled Bo which caused her to giggle. “You have the same ginger hair.”
Bo giggled more and she tried to tickle Satine back but she wasn’t as good at it. “Satine!”
Satine tickled her for another minute but she stopped when the playroom door opened. She turned around and there was her mother. Even Bo stood up straighter when Mother came.
“Mama, Tine is here!” Bo exclaimed, going over to Mother and trying to take her hand. Mother only let her for a second. Bo frowned but then hurried back over to Satine.
“Satine, not Tine. Satine doesn’t have a nickname,” Mother said.
Bo frowned and tilted her head to the side. Normally when she tilted her head to the side like this, Satine thought that she was adorable, but she didn’t like how her mother was lecturing little Bo about something so silly.
“I don’t mind her calling me that,” Satine said. “I sort of like it.”
It was sweet, but it wasn’t what Satine wished Bo could really call her. She had dreams still of her little baby daughter Bo calling her “Mama” or “Mommy.” She used to imagine demanding that her mother give Bo back to her and once she had even gone to her house and had been about to knock and do just that, but then she had thought about Mandalore and how she would have to explain it. Her mother might try and ruin her.
And Satine could have taken it, but it might have hurt Mandalore and little Bo. She didn’t want Bo to be hurt by something like that. What if someone tried to hurt her? She was so little and innocent. The last thing Satine wanted was for her baby to be in pain.
Even if that meant she would have to go on letting her daughter be legally her sister, instead of her daughter like Satine had wanted since she first saw her. That was when it would have been best for her to stand her ground, but she had just had a baby. And her mother… her mother… she had always had a way of getting to Satine. She used to think that her mother was watching out for her, but now Satine wasn’t sure about that.
And yet this woman was raising her daughter.
“It’s more proper for her to address you as Satine, if not your title,” Mother said as she went over and looked at Bo. She studied her as if she was going to see if Bo had any flaws with her outfit even though Bo was a tiny child.
Yes, tall for her age, but still three.
“We’re not in public,” Satine said. “And she’s my… family…” She should get used to calling Bo “sister.” She knew that, and she did call her that in public, but it was hard to do. It caused her stomach to twist whenever she did.
“Bo-Katan is very little so if things are different across occasions, it might confuse her,” Mother said. And although it made sense, Satine didn’t like it. She wondered if really was this a way for her to create more barriers between her and Bo.
It seemed like she always wanted to do that.
So maybe she would be against her even using a little pet name for her.
Bo whimpered.
“Ad’ika, I don’t want it look poorly on you especially after how much you sacrificed,” Mother said to Satine, and Satine thought that she might actually mean it. Or at least that she didn’t want it to look poorly on Satine. Her mother had always wanted Satine to rule Mandalore or at least have an important role in the Mandalorian government.
Did she have the same goal for Bo?
“Bo was going to show me her new toy,” Satine said, since Bo was the main reason she came to visit. Even though it hurt, she wanted to see Bo. She loved seeing how big she was getting and how her personality was developing. She was so spunky already.
Like her father.
Strong willed too, but that might be from Satine.
“You don’t want to see her new toy,” Mother said as she tried to grab Bo’s hand but Bo pulled away and went back to digging in her toy chest.
“Yes, I would love to see your toy, ad’ika,” Satine said to Bo. Her mother gave her an evil look even though ad’ika didn’t have to refer to a child. It could also just mean little one.
Bo beamed and dug around in the toy chest again until she pulled out a toy Darksaber. Satine’s eyes widened and then she glared at her mother. She was so worried about images and yet she would give Bo something like this. Something that would make Satine look bad.
Satine was Mandalore’s first pacifist ruler and yet she had given Bo a toy that symbolized Mandalore’s violent past?
“Mama says I’m little Mandy Lord,” Bo said, swinging the toy around. “But I’m a big girl!”
Satine did her best to push away her emotions over that stupid toy and instead looked at how cute Bo was. She also didn’t correct her on how she said Mand’alor wrong. That really was adorable.
“You are a big girl,” Satine said, pushing away her normal desire to lecture how the Darksaber was a horrible symbol of the past and it should remain in the past. Bo didn’t need to hear that. To her it was probably just a fun toy. “And you’re a cuter Mand’alor than any of the Vizslas have ever been.”
Bo beamed and kept swinging the Darksaber around. “I want another one!”
“One is plenty. Why would you need two?” Mother asked.
“I want… a blue one!” Bo said.
And just like that, she once again remembered Obi-Wan. He had a blue lightsaber too. Of all the colors, she had picked, she had picked the one that had the same color as his. Bo didn’t know what that meant but it made Satine smile. For a second, she imagined what it would be like if Obi-Wan knew about her. She imagined Bo with a toy lightsaber next to Obi-Wan with his real one.
He would have been a great dad.
Satine really believed that despite what Satine’s mother said.
“That’s a lightsaber,” Mother said, scowling. “That wouldn’t be proper for a good Mandalorian girl.”
“But it’s blue!”
Bo obviously didn’t care about it being a lightsaber. She didn’t know the difference between the Darksaber and normal lightsabers. She just wanted a fun toy. And she just thought it would be a blue version of the one that she already had. She didn’t know about the problems between the Jedi and Mandalorians historically.
“You shouldn’t want a toy lightsaber! What kind of Mandalorian girl wants something like that!” Mother exclaimed. She was upset because Bo’s biological father was a Jedi. Satine knew this, but Bo didn’t. Bo wasn’t a Jedi. She wasn’t Force sensitive as far as Satine knew. She was just a little girl. But she wasn’t even done. “I won’t have another child who is soft when it comes to the Jedi. And… engages in business with them that she shouldn’t.”
Bo whimpered and clutched her toy.
“Mother, she just wants it because it’s blue,” Satine said as she picked up Bo and held her close to her. “She doesn’t know anything about the Jedi. She’s not going to be like me and…” Obi-Wan.
Her eyes went back to normal and she sighed. “You’re right, of course, Satine. I just want to protect Bo from getting hurt by those people but she still is very little. It’s just she doesn’t need a toy of a Jedi weapon.”
Mother tried to take Bo away but Satine held her closer to her chest. She wished that she never had to let go of her. She wished she could take her to the Palace and have her live there. She knew the perfect room for Bo. It was right next to Satine’s so she would be able to go to her if she had any problems at night.
It would be perfect.
“Satine, you should tell me how everything has been going for you?” Mother said, her attitude changing completely. “You have no idea how proud I am of you.”
Satine was sure she was proud but more that she had a daughter who was ruling and not of Satine herself. Still Satine smiled. Bo squirmed to get away so Satine put her on the floor and then took her hand.
Bo’s eyes weren’t lit up like they had been before. Satine’s mother had upset her. It wasn’t fair. Bo was just a tiny girl and she just wanted a blue toy. Really Satine preferred she not have any weapon toys but she should be able to get a blue lightsaber if she had to have one.
“I’m doing the best I can for Mandalore,” Satine said, which was true. She had always done whatever she could for Mandalore. She gave up her daughter for Mandalore.
Which wasn’t fair. And Satine now thought that had been the wrong choice. She could have made it work with Bo. It could have been Satine and Bo against the Galaxy. Just the two of them.
But Satine had thrown that away because of things that her mother said. She could have made it work and it wouldn’t have hurt Mandalore.
But Satine wasn’t going to show weakness.
Mother smiled. “I really am proud of you and I’d love to hear everything.”
Obviously, she couldn’t tell her everything but she nodded. “Okay.” She looked down at Bo. “Do you want to come talk with us?”
Satine wanted her to. She wanted to spend as much time with her daughter as she could. She loved Bo-Katan more than she thought was possible before she had been a mother. Her love for her daughter could stretch across galaxies and there would still be love left.
“Wanna play!” Bo said, making a face.
“You can play in the room when we talk,” Satine said, hoping it would work. She wanted to be around Bo. She was the one she wanted to spend time with.
Not her mother.
“Wanna play here!”
Satine’s stomach sunk but it made sense that Bo would want to play in the playroom where she had most of her toys. Mother wouldn’t let Bo make a mess in other rooms either. Really she was surprised that she allowed Bo to make a mess here.
“Mother, maybe we can speak here,” Satine said, even though she already knew what her mother would say. Perhaps somehow, she would be wrong.
“This is Bo-Katan’s play room and it’s frankly filthy,” Mother said. “Bo-Katan needs to clean it and I’m not going to discuss matters with you in here.”
Bo-Katan had already gone to digging around in a toy box. She found an owl toy which she grinned at and then she made a hooting noise. She giggled. It was too adorable, especially when she made the toy hop around and then hugged and kissed it.
“I love you, Rauru,” Bo said to the stuffed animal.
Satine’s heart twisted. She went with her mother to the other room though and then they spoke politics. Normally Satine loved politics but right now all she could think of was Bo in the other room. She wished that she could have spent time with her instead.
But she got lucky because when Satine’s mother was in the refresher, Bo came in with a bunch of her toys in her arms. She smiled and went over to Satine.
“I made you something!” Bo said and then she pulled out a picture. It was mostly scribbled but to Satine it was beautiful.
“Thank you,” Satine said. “I love all the blue.” Satine would keep this. Maybe forever.
Mother was always saying Satine would have other children later. Children with a good Mandalorian man. She also was the godmother of her cousin’s son, Korkie, so if anything happened to her, she’d get Korkie. However, Satine wasn’t sure she deserved other children. Not after she had given up Bo.
She felt so much guilt. It ate her up inside. Maybe if she had really wanted to give Bo up for adoption she wouldn’t feel this way. She knew adoption could be good, but she hadn’t wanted to give up her little girl.
Most people would think the duchess of Mandalore could have stood up to her own mother but Satine had failed.
Bo smiled and went over to sit on Satine’s lap. Satine kissed the top of her head.
“I can get you the blue lightsaber if you want,” Satine said, even though she hadn’t planned to say that. She really would look cute with it. Like a little tiny girl version of her father.
“Mama says no! I don’t want to be a bad girl!” Bo said, her green eyes wide. “Want to be good. Good like you.”
Like you. Satine’s stomach twisted even more.
“Sweetie, you’re a very good girl,” Satine said, brushing some of her red hair out of her face. “Very good.”
“Mama says you’re good girl. I’m bad person,” Bo said, cuddling closer to Satine. Satine wrapped her around her.
“You’re not a bad girl and I don’t want you ever to believe that,” Satine said.
Bo looked up at her. “Promise?”
“Promise,” Satine said. She kissed the top of her head again. “And you promise me that you won’t believe you’re a bad girl because you’re very good.”
If anyone was bad, it was Satine.
Not Bo.