Work Text:
The world is ending:
It’s a simple reality. The law of entropy demands it. Every interaction within a system will leave it holding less than what it had before; this is just the way that the universe works. Shin had never thought to argue with physics, but he had thought that perhaps he might have reached his own state of equilibrium. Though, now, he knows that’s not true. To him, equilibrium might as well be defined as the state you are in when things have gotten to a point where you can barely tell that they are getting worse. He feels like a fool for ever thinking that it might have been the state in which he was happiest.
This is how things are not getting worse:
- Lena can’t be any less interested in him than she already is.
At least not in a way he can see. She could be losing interest in him fractionally, second by second, but the difference is so small that it’s invisible. Impossible to measure. He hasn’t run out of things to say to her, but she can no longer muster the energy to listen. She doesn’t look away from him, but she never looks at him either. She doesn’t seem to hate his presence, but only because she seems to barely register that he’s there.
Energy. He realizes now that, at the beginning, he’d let her put too much in. Hadn’t had enough of his own to do more than latch onto her like some kind of small parasite, using her to paint a picture of his own future. Using her to give himself a reason to live.
Even though he knows it was wrong, he still hasn’t stopped doing it and he knows that it’s draining her, bit by bit.
He tries to think of more things he wants for himself, but it never does him much good. He can’t remember ever having been one to want much. The only days he looks forward to are the ones where he thinks she might actually start a conversation with him. He knows this makes her want to do it less, but he can’t help it. He thinks that, maybe, if he had more of those days, he might be able to think of other things that he wants, but he doesn’t, and he can’t.
This is another way in which things are not getting worse:
- She won’t leave him.
They have made a commitment, and she takes her commitments seriously. There have been men that he knows she would rather have been around. That she enjoyed talking to more. But she could never bring herself to stray, and she probably never will. He can tell that there’s one now, but she’s starting to distance herself from him. For a while, he’d made his way into every one of their conversations, but lately he’s been absent, unmentioned. She made a promise, and she always tries her utmost to keep her promises. She’s not willing to let herself get tempted away.
On occasion, he will catch himself wondering whether she might be happier without him, and stop doing it, on purpose. He still isn’t ready to try to let her go, and he thinks that he probably never will be.
Something that he thinks might be getting worse in a way that he can’t see:
- When he says, “I love you,” she never hesitates to say it back.
Sometimes she even says it to him herself, for no reason, and it would make him happy, if he could only stop suspecting that she only says it any more in order to try to convince herself that it’s true.
Something that he is certain is getting worse:
- He misses her more and more every day.
He thinks that it probably sounds strange to say that you miss someone that you see all the time. He can only describe it as the feeling of wanting to go home and realizing that you are already there, except that instead of making you happy, it only makes you feel like you have nowhere to go.
The more that he misses her, the less she seems to really be there, which only makes him miss her even more. He feels like he has been caught in a whirlpool. That he is doomed to continue to spin this way, in a slow, downward spiral as he inexorably, inevitably, sinks.
Some ideas that he has to make things better:
(1) He could have an affair
- This would make her angry, which would make her notice him again, but it might make her angry enough to leave, and he doesn’t want to do it anyway, so he does not consider this a good idea.
(2) He could think of something that he wants in the future that is just for himself
- This had sounded like a good idea, but it has proven to be too difficult for him to accomplish in practice, and he has since given up.
(3) He could think of more interesting things to do in bed
- He has tried this and found that it often works, but the effect is too temporary, and he is afraid of setting expectations too high for him to manage, subsequently.
(4) They could try to have children
- He has brought this idea up, and she has said that she’s interested, but she just can’t take the time away from work right now. He understands this. Her work is very important.
(5) He could find a new hobby
- This is his most promising idea. She seemed much more interested in him the summer that he mostly spent fishing with Raiden. He thinks he will probably try to take up fishing again.
Whenever he reviews this mental list, he is always disappointed at the fact that he does not have more good ideas. It does not seem like it is ever long enough, in spite of all the time that he spends thinking about it.
Times that things are actually better (he wishes that he knew what makes them that way):
- She brings home a bottle of her favorite red wine, and they drink it while reading together. She snuggles up against him on the couch, and while she is waiting for him to turn the page, she looks up at him and brushes his hair out of his face before kissing him on the cheek and telling him that she loves him, and when she says it this time, he thinks that she really does mean it.
- They go to dinner together, and after picking out her mushrooms and putting them on his plate, she asks him how his day was and looks as though she is genuinely interested in what he was working on. He gives her his dessert so that she has two, and she grins at him before she starts eating it and says, “Shin, I love you so much, but you’re going to make me fat.”
- She decides she needs exercise and so they go for a walk in the park together, holding hands. Then she loops her arm around his, so they are walking more closely, and she leans her head against his shoulder, and she says, “Sometimes when I’m with you, I just feel so happy.” He feels happy too, although he thinks that he might have been happier if she had not said the word “sometimes.”
Something he knows will make things better:
He knows that he should try to change; to grow himself more the way that she grew, but he admits to himself that he is too scared to do this. Will she still love him at all, if he changes too much? Will he still love her? They’ve built a life together, and he knows that it's not perfect, but it is a life, and he would rather keep this life with her than risk having none at all.
He knows that the world is ending, but it will not be over until long after he’s dead. This could be that way too, he thinks. And he thinks maybe that will be ok.