Chapter Text
It was always the same empty feeling tugging at his gut, like he was supposed to feel guilty for something, but he never could understand what for. Almost as if he was paying for wrongs committed in a past life, a type of debt for what he had done. He was in pain, but he couldn’t ask for help because he didn’t know why he felt that way. Or perhaps he did feel guilty about it, like he had accepted his karmic debt and was suffering through it as a punishment he deserved.
‘make it stop.’ He pleaded in his mind, squeezing his eyes shut and using his palms to cover his ears. There weren’t any sounds other than the air conditioning of his dorm and an occasional laughter from the stairwell, but his mind was louder than normal, it was full of voices screaming, sounds of agony trapping him in his own head; it was the pain of being in his own body he was trying to escape.
When his eyes opened, they landed on a yellow and white bottle on is roommate’s desk. It was an answer to his prayers, waiting for him to accept the cure to his pain. All of the years he spent in agony, all of the years living inside a body unwilling to accept him- a mind fighting itself to the point where he just wanted to be free from it all. He normally could convince himself to suck it up, to continue living despite his misery.
But then why was he now walking towards the bottle?
His thin fingers wrapped around the container, his eyes grazing over words too long to pronounce or understand. Still, he lived with Kazuha long enough now to know they were for his mental health. Who knows what they were intended for… anti-depressants, probably? ‘ha…’ he thought, ‘I guess pills will do me some good after all…’ He opens the bottle and empties the contents into his hands, staring at the white pills against his pale hand.
Golden eyes shot to a nearby mirror, revealing a face he barely recognizes as his own. If he did this, where would that leave Kazuha? To come home to a dorm to find his roommate unconscious on the floor with an empty pill bottle on the desk? Would Kazuha blame himself for the view in front of him? Could he really do this knowing Kazuha lost Tomo the same way? Could he make Kazuha mourn yet another friend? To be so selfish?
But still, the pain continued to stab into his heart and after all is said and done… would it really be his problem? Perhaps the only way to stop the karmic debt would be to spread it out throughout every lifetime. He looked back down to the handful of pills and raises them up to an open mouth, too numb to process his own motions if he was even in control at all. The pills were centimeters away from his mouth before his hand stopped moving entirely.
A tune slipped under the crack of the dorm door and pierced through the walls. It was soft and soothing, instantly melting away the screaming in his head. He could physically feel his pain drift into the air and away with each note played. it was like a siren song beckoning him to stay in this cruel world to hear more.
And stay is what he did.
He didn’t even realize he had dropped his hand of pills lower and was now fully focused on staring at the blank wall between him and the flute’s melody. It was a song he could have sworn he heard once or twice in a dream he had. The dream was that of which he could only assume was an angel; large white wings with gold metal accents on top, two glowing blue braids, and equally glowing tattoos on the angel’s chest and leg. The angel was playing the same melody as the one he heard now, but the rest of the dream was just a blur.
The handful of pills slid back into the bottle easily when a key clicked in the door. Kazuha comes inside smelling awfully suspicious of weed… “Hey, Xiao!” He greeted. Xiao offered a weak smile and wave, making way to his bed. “Yeah, yeah, you missed me when I was gone.’ He teased, grabbing his bottle of pills. “So, what have you been up to?” Kazuha asked, taking out a pill and popping it into his mouth. Xiao thought about the irony for a second, and wished the flute’s healing melody hadn’t stopped.
“Listening to music.” Xiao told him, grabbing his bookbag and placing it on the bed. “I was just about to set up for the semester if you wanted to compare schedules.” Xiao offered. Kazuha enthusiastically grabbed his own planner and joined Xiao’s side on his bed.