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You've always been one to provide kind words when silence becomes too much.
You're there for Ike, when his worries and fears get the better of him. You're there for Luca, who seeks you out whenever he has trouble sleeping. Mysta looks for you when he needs a shoulder to lean on and Shu.. You’ve been there for Shu for as long as you can remember.
Perhaps it just came with the package of being the only two beings in the house with magical prowess, but you digress.
When you first met Shu, you didn't know what to make of him. He was friendly and welcoming to the others, and you’re not sure if the others had been aware of it, but perhaps he’d already had your attention from the very start. His face was familiar, and so was his soul; but you were unable to pinpoint that out until much later. At the time, to you, there had been a certain emotion in his face that you couldn't place as he regarded each one of you. Something flickered across his face when he finally finished taking everyone’s presence in.
A tiny voice had labelled it as "grief" but you had dismissed the thought immediately. How silly of you, to assume one's mourning when you had just met them?
Perhaps it was just surprise. You were.. a rowdy bunch. You hadn’t expected to get along with the others as well as you did, within the first few minutes of meeting everyone. They intrigued you with their stories, their pasts. Ike with his love for writing, Mysta’s keen detective skills, the duality that Luca possessed underneath his cheerful demeanour and the cursed energy that flowed from Shu.
.. Had you been the only one who had died in your previous lifetime? You wonder about it, but that’s only because you know it’s true and you refuse to acknowledge that fact.
You had gotten on with everyone relatively well. Shu was the easiest to get along with. He was open to you, and your jokes and even though your flirting went right over his head, you'd cherish the rare moments where he did reciprocate. You can’t help but want to try and try again, no matter how many times he shuts you down. You know there's something about him; something that reminds you of a life once lived. Maybe it's the fact that his soul was what called for you, its voice weak compared to the owner of the body it resided in. Still, you chose to let it go unheard at first, mostly out of respect for the sorcerer's privacy.
But there was always something so, so distant about Shu Yamino. And who were you, if not a traveler pursuing a destination?
(You can't help but want to reach out to him. In doing so, you know you wouldn’t be able to ignore the remnants of your own past.)
Unsurprisingly, it’s Ike who comes up to you first.
You and him had developed a unique friendship over the time you’d gotten to know one another. You bounce off each other pretty well, and he understands almost all your jokes, no matter how outdated they are. You appreciate that. You don’t feel as old as you are, whenever you make a reference to something from the past and he immediately understands what you’re talking about.
If platonic soulmates were a thing, then you think Ike Eveland was yours.
It’s a quiet day when he approaches you. You’re in the living room, sat on the couch with a mug of tea and a novel that Ike had lent you. You’d been in the middle of reading the thirty-seventh page when he comes walking in, his coat flowing elegantly behind him. He slides into the spot next to you, your gaze not leaving your book. From the rustling you hear beside you, you assume that he’s either reading a book of his own or he’s writing away in his notebook. It’s quiet and calm, just like how you like it when it’s just the two of you. You liked the noise that came with the rest of your friends, but peace was always nice.
“... Are you okay?”
His voice cuts through the silence and you admire how straightforward he is, how he doesn’t beat around the bush. In all honesty, you’re only surprised he’s managed to pick up on your recent behaviour. You personally think you did a fantastic job of hiding it but clearly, Ike was too much of a smart cookie to let it slide.
Still, it doesn’t mean that his boldness didn’t startle you.
“What are you talking about, Ike?” You blink, you flip a page and you decide to feign innocence.
You don’t have to look at him to know that he’s got that exasperated expression and a little frown on his face. “You know what I’m talking about, Vox. My room is the closest to yours.”
Oh. You’d forgotten about that little fact.
You smile forlornly. “.. Sorry if I woke you up. I’ll try to be quieter.”
For some reason, this is what spurs him to move. You can only watch as his hand takes the book out of your hands, carefully placing his own bookmark where you’d left off and setting it aside. He does the same to his own notebook and you have no choice but to meet his eyes. His gaze holds curiosity and even though you try your best to ignore it, there's a hint of pity in it too.
You hate that.
“Why are you apologizing? I never said I was mad.”
You take a while to process that because you don’t think you heard him right. That sounds wrong, even to your ears. “You’re.. not mad?”
His eyes soften. “No. Why would I ever be mad at someone who wakes up screaming in pain?”
You look away, not wanting to face whatever emotion he has on his face. You know he’s just stating facts but it still doesn’t stop shame from creeping up your spine. You hadn’t realized your screams had been loud enough for him to hear through the thick walls of the house. Perhaps you should ask Shu to enchant the walls but then you’d have to explain your reasons as to why you wanted it done and you don’t really want to do that.
He continues on, unaware of your inner emotional turmoil. “I didn’t want to force you into saying anything. I know what that’s like, and it’s not usually a pleasant feeling. You’d been carrying yourself so well the days after, that it slipped my mind. But.. it’s been happening more frequently and last night was possibly the loudest scream I’ve heard from you.”
You keep silent. You let him talk, because even though you were known amongst your fans for being good with words, you don’t know what to say at this very moment.
“I’m not going to ask you about what’s going on. That’s something I feel is personal to you and I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. Just.. You can talk to us any time. You know that, right?” His smile is kind, something soft on his face as he regards you.
“I do.” You pause, choosing your words carefully. You know how much weight they carry. “Thank you, Ike.”
He smiles, and picks up his notebook again. You think that is the end of the conversation until you see him turn to you once more. His smile fades as fast it appeared, a pensive look on his face as he looks at you once more. His eyes are open; they are free of judgement.
"Sometimes.. You look like you've given up on a lot of things, Vox."
You hum. "So I've been told."
The conversation ends there, not because you want it to, but because you both hear Luca come home and he comes barreling into the living room, immediately assaulting you both with a welcome home hug. You feel yourself being crushed by the mafia boss and you know Ike’s not faring any better, but the laugh that rings out of the three of you is worth the weight. He starts talking about how his day went and you and Ike do your best to pay attention to his recollection of the day before Luca inevitably drags you to the kitchen to make dinner.
(You feel Ike’s gaze linger on your back longer than you’d like it to. You don’t know what to make of it.)
Death has always been a strange concept to you.
Human beings tend to live the same cycle. They are born, they are raised, they are given an education and a career. They live through those careers until they retire and then they await the day the Grim Reaper comes to claim them.
You've seen this cycle happen to way too many people. You don't know how you feel about it.
Or rather, perhaps, you once did. But you’ve forgotten.
You could attribute it to how long you've lived. The years have worn you down, they have jaded you. Your heart can only contain so much grief, so much misery in one tiny organ.
Do you even still have a heart, after all these years? You're a demon, after all. You don't know. You only know there's something inside you that keeps on beating, that keeps on aching no matter how much time passes by. And you know that even if it were taken away from you, you'd still continue to live. Human beings do not get that same blessing. You think it is a curse instead.
Perhaps you've just grown indifferent. Perhaps you just refuse to let your heart feel anything again. Perhaps you're too tired.
It's always 'perhaps, perhaps, perhaps' with you, isn't it? Never something definite, never something that will stay in place.
These thoughts flitter through your mind as you watch Ike, Luca, and Mysta mourn over the dead bird they found in the garden. It was Ike who had found it, much to his dismay. Mysta and Luca had heard his crying in the garden from their bedroom windows, and had brought you and Shu out to find out what was going on. Ike had been wanting to just read in the safety of the backyard, but instead had found the corpse of a dead bird. You’ve seen a lot of them in your lifetime; window collisions were a common cause for the end of a bird’s lifespan.
You stand awkwardly next to Shu. Both of you share that similarity, that death is a strange concept and you feel a sense of commiseration. You pat Luca's and Mysta's backs and whisper simple comfort in their ears, you take the dead bird from Ike's hands and give it a moment of your heart's silence before digging a hole in the dirt and laying the bird in it. You’d give it a proper send off, even if your grasp on death wasn’t a solid one.
The bird's eyes are closed and yet as you close the hole, pouring the dirt back to where it belonged, you feel like you can hear its last dying chirp.
(The last time you'd done this, it wasn't for reasons you wanted. You still remember the taste of flesh on your tongue, feathers nearly choking you if you hadn't toughened it out. You chose to repress that memory, willing it to the back of your mind along with what you remember to be the taste of a bird's flesh.)
You clear your throat, and you finish burying the bird. You think about how only you and your friends are the only ones who will know of its passing. You think of how it will eventually fade into nothing, how its memory will eventually be something fleeting for you.
Only for you, because sometimes, you forget that your friends are just human. And they will cease to exist one day too.
"It's lived its purpose on Earth. May it rest." You choose to speak these words out, covered in your magic and a sense of ease washes over their faces in an instant. You thank your lucky stars that you were born a demon with a voice that could bring either pain or ease onto your victims and today, you are grateful that you were given the option of being able to do the latter.
You let the other three say their prayers before rising back up. You catch Shu’s eye and he’s looking at you, like he’s seeing you in a new regard. Like you’ve finally stepped out of the shadows and into the light, which is ironic when all your life, darkness had shaped your life. You think he’s about to say something but instead, he shakes his head, gives you a small smile and joins the other three.
You watch as he offers reassurances to the others, with his words and his warmth. You watch as Luca hugs him, and as Ike and Mysta hold each other. You are thankful they have the opportunity to hold one another, because you don't think you'd be able to provide the same physical comfort. Not right now, not with how you are at the moment.
(You remember how much it hurt the last time you'd allowed anyone to hold you as you are.
You don't remember the feeling of them holding you in return as you faded from consciousness.)
( "If you had no place to belong before, you had nothing to fight for. Now you do."
You had uttered these words to her.
"Hold onto it as tight as you can, little one. You can do that for me, can't you?"
The face of that woman quickly turns into something more gruesome, something much bloodier. You can only watch as her face is shredded beyond recognition, the strips of flesh hitting the ground before you even have a chance to say anything. It is you who had brought this fate upon your clan, it is you who is responsible for their demise.
Ribbons, ribbons, ribbons crawl into your vision and along with them, you smell the scent of burnt flesh- )
You wake up with a jolt.
You blink rapidly and slowly sit yourself up. The moon is out, and you can see the moonlight illuminate its shine through your window. Your heart is racing, and you are having trouble catching your breath. You’re covered in a sheen of cold sweat and your hands are shaking so very slightly, trying to claw at some unknown force. Your blanket has been kicked away, to the ground where it resides and your pillows are sorted haphazardly around you.
You see shadows in the corner of your eyes and you know that they are a trick of your mind. They are not dangerous; they have become your friends over the years. They keep you company at night. No one else can see them; only you can.
You take a deep breath, and try to compose yourself. Reaching over and picking up your blanket from the ground, you try to define the differences between reality and your dreams. In your dreams, you are dead and you mourn those who died for you. In your reality, you are at home, surrounded by the ones you love and you are alive .
It was just a dream, you think. If only it had remained a dream.
Taking a gulp of fresh air, you lie back down on your bed and you bring your hands up to rest at the base of your throat. As you do this, you realize that your hands are still trembling. Your heart is still racing. It is the same nightmare every night, and you are nothing but helpless against the demons that crawl into your mind.
(You remember the fire of your blade fading as well as the fire within yourself.
Ieyasu's laugh will forever haunt you.)
Shu is the one who reminds you of it, which you find ironically fitting. You know he remembers but he does not know that you do. You don’t know if you’ll ever say anything.
Not intentionally, no. That was never the case. It was just that you managed to catch him at all the wrong times. He would space off, and not a thing in the world could bring him back to Earth. All of you have learnt to let him be when this happens, and you all have learnt to let him open up on his own terms. In that regard, you and him are one and the same. He gives you space and he gives you the same in return.
You happen to catch him doing it again on a rainy afternoon. It’s just you two in the kitchen, the sound of rain pattering against the window. It’s been days since your conversation with Ike, and you haven’t let the conversation leave your head at all. You’ve instead chosen to distract yourself with cooking and taking short naps when you can, always setting alarms just so you don’t wake up screaming and startling Ike into concern again. The exhaustion is starting to seep into your bones, but you refuse to let that show.
You won’t admit it out loud, but you don’t think you deserve anyone’s concern.
You’re making lunch, stirring things in your wok as you let your body go on autopilot. You’d tasked Shu with cutting the vegetables but the sound of chopping had been paused for a while now. You think you know what’s happened, and when you turn around, you find yourself proven right.
The knife is still in his hands, but the blank expression on his face still scares you, no matter how many times you’ve seen it. It’s so unlike his usual self, the easy grin and happiness completely wiped from his face and replaced with something more.. Empty, something you personally couldn’t describe with words. It was something that made Shu seem more… human, and not like the sorcerer you know.
You turn off the stove and quickly wipe your hands on a spare kitchen towel. You rarely try to disrupt him when he’s like this but he does have a sharp knife in his hands and you don’t want him to hurt himself by accident. You feel like you’re approaching a wild, scared animal and in a way, that is somewhat true.
You decide to speak in a low tone so you don’t startle him. “... Shu?”
He does not respond.
You step a little bit closer, and in the process, you are several breaths away from his face. His eyes are glazed over, and you are unfortunately familiar with this look. He is far, far away from you once more and you so desperately want to bring him back to where you are. Vaguely, you wonder what had triggered him but you don’t entertain that thought; he has a weapon in his hands and you need to take it away.
You whisper instead this time, and you hope that it works. “Shu? It’s me, Vox.”
It works, because he blinks several times before taking in your presence in front of him. His voice comes out in a whisper similar to yours, but the way he says it reminds you of something from several lifetimes ago. “... Vox?”
“Hey.” You carefully grasp his forearm and take the knife out from his grasp. “Are you all right?”
He blinks, and you let him take his own time to answer. In the meantime, you take the knife away from his working area and you quietly toss it into the sink and you decide to make him some tea, something that’ll hopefully help him calm down. You try to look at him from the corner of your vision as you let the tea bag steep. There’s some light in his eyes again, the clouds finally parting ways but you know it’ll take a while before he gets back into the usual swing of things.
When you return to his side with a cup of hot chamomile tea, he gives you a weak smile when you stand across from him, his composure not quite steady and his voice still unstable. He’s so unlike his usual self that it unsettles you, but you choose to be glad that he’s back with you instead. “Thanks, Vox. I think.. I think I needed that.”
You hum. “It’s no problem. Are you okay though?”
His smile is wavering. “As okay as I’ll ever be. Thank you for the tea.”
You let him sip his drink, ignoring how his hands shake as he holds the mug. The tremor is noticeable, and you find yourself almost wanting to reach out. To hold his hand, to stop the shaking. You want to take away whatever is causing it, but you feel like you already know the answer to that even if you’d been in denial about it for a long time. It reminds you that even the strongest mountain can crumble.
You decide to ask anyway. “What were you thinking of? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“Nothing. It was just.. something I remembered from the past.” His smile is still wavering, but his eyes are focusing intently on yours. “It’s not.. It’s not a big deal.”
You don’t ask any more than that, because he’s looking at you like he’s grieving the memory of what you once were.
(The thing is, you remember grieving the memory of what he once was too.)
You're not awakened by your own screaming tonight but instead, you're woken up by someone else's yelling. You sit upright in bed, blinking away the shock in your system as you process that you hadn’t had a nightmare for once. But then you register the screaming and you wake up in an instant.
You recognize the voice as Shu's.
You're out of your bed in a flash, because if there was something that was true about you, it was that you'd protect the people in this house with your life. Again, you two are the only ones at home. Ike had gone to visit Yugo for the weekend and Luca and Mysta were away on their own missions. That leaves only you. If something had gotten to Shu before you did, you don’t think you could ever forgive yourself. No, you know you would never forgive yourself.
You barge into his room, words dying on your lips as you take in the scene. There are no shadows, no otherworldly beings of any sort in the room and you sigh in relief. However, your relief is short lived as you take in the person on the bed.
Shu’s sat upright, his arms crossed and his fingers digging deep into his biceps. There’s a blank look on his face. You can tell from the faint smell of blood that he’s been scratching himself, hard enough to draw blood but not hard enough that it would fatally wound him. Even so, your concern rises. He continues to claw at his skin, unaware of your presence in his room. You’ve never seen him like this and you don’t think the others have either.
Slowly, you approach him and sit down next to him on the bed. You don’t think he notices you at all.
“.. Shu? I heard you scream. What’s wrong?” You call out and you hope that he answers.
He looks up at you, and you meet terror-stricken violet eyes.
At the sight of you, he immediately reaches over and tugs you in for a hug. You gasp, but you don’t back out of it. You choose to wrap your arms around his waist. You feel his body tremble in your arms, and you feel him inhaling your scent. You don’t think it’ll help much, but who are you to question what he chooses to do?
You rub his back, and do your best to give him reassurances. Whispers fly through the air, telling him that he’s okay, telling him that he’s fine where he is. He responds by hugging you with all his strength, and you’re starting to think that he won’t let go. You do not ask what he dreamt of, as you’re sure he will tell you at his own pace. For now, all you can do is be there for him however he needs you.
“It’s okay, my boy. It’s okay. I’m here. I have you.”
You close your eyes and you find yourself hugging him back even tighter. The words fly out of your mouth, as easily as it had several lifetimes ago.
“I will always have you.”
And this is when he breaks. The tears come before his sobs, and you feel your shoulder getting wet with his tears and you feel his whole being shake with even more force than before. You think that this may be the first time he’s cried in a long while, and you let him do so. The sound of his wails sound like someone who’s seen too much, and been through too much. There is pain but there is relief in his sobs as he continues to cry into your shoulder, with you muttering reassurances to him.
You can only sit there and hold him, as he falls apart in your arms and you do your best to put him back together.
Contrary to popular belief, you have lived much longer than you had told the others you had. And Shu had been part of that life too.
You remember a life from the past, a life before the Akuma clan had even risen. You were still a demon, the blood in you too unholy for you to be labelled anything else. You’d spent a good portion of that life living up to your true potential as a fiendish spirit, claiming any poor soul that your eyes had settled on. You were never out of victims, and you were constantly on the lookout for new ones.
But even so, things got repetitive; they became tiring. And you became lonely.
When Shu first appeared, you had only wanted to mess with him. You had been playing tricks on the locals for weeks now, and they’d only hired an exorcist to get rid of you. What could a mere human being who played God’s servant could do? But you had severely underestimated him. He had put up a fight against you, managing to come out of every attempt unharmed.
“What am I to you, little one?” You’d sneered.
He responded, “Something that won’t matter in a few minutes.”
Despite his bravado, he still never managed to eradicate you. But there was no doubt you had about one thing; Shu was good at what he did and you became intrigued. And in becoming intrigued, you became attached.
You spent the following weeks following his trail, bothering him with your presence whenever you had the chance. You could tell he was annoyed at first, but over time, he became used to your presence by his side.
He was the one who had brought you back to his home after he’d found you weakened against a much stronger enemy at the time. It hadn’t been intentional; you had merely trespassed into another being’s territory and that being.. had not taken to it very kindly. Despite all your power, there were still beings that surpassed your strength. You remember being captured, being taken away and being subjected to a variety of torture techniques. You had managed to get away with what little power you had left after that, but only by the scrape of your teeth.
You still remember the taste of bird flesh being shoved down your throat and being unable to do anything about it.
At the time, you’d thought Shu had taken you to his home out of pity, but you were quickly proven wrong. He’d taken care of you as best as he could, allowing you to heal in your own time. You remember waking up on one of those earlier nights when you’d been drowsy with sleep and watching through squinted eyes as he fussed over your wounds. You knew that your body would heal itself with time but you appreciated his fussing still. Even after you healed, he had allowed you to stay in his home. He showed you what kindness was. How strange, you had thought, for a demon to learn a lesson from a human being.
Your days afterwards with him were peaceful. Ironic, considering what you were and what he did for a living but peaceful nonetheless. There were nights where you would hum random lullabies and he would fall asleep on your shoulder. There were times where Shu would stay up for the night and you would lay your head in his lap, letting his fingers run through your hair as he worked away. Those were the times you cherished most; being able to share a comfortable silence with him.
It’s just too bad that it didn’t last long.
You remember being attacked while he was out working. You vaguely registered some other exorcist; one with considerably much more power than Shu had, cackling as they banished your lifespan away. You remember thinking to yourself that you were glad at least it hadn’t happened in front of Shu, as your weakened body laid on his floor. You regretted not being able to say goodbye but your regret died fast, as you heard the door open and footsteps came running in.
Shu held your body in his arms, his eyes sadder than you had ever recalled seeing them being. He was looking at you like his home was ripped away, like the only thing that tethered him to reality had been brutally taken away from him. You wanted so desperately to reach up and caress his face, but there was no strength left in you. All you had left was your voice and you were thankful that you were allowed to say a few final words; his name being one of them.
You are just thankful that you managed to say goodbye to him before your eyes had closed permanently in that lifetime.
(“What am I to you, Shu?” You whispered as he held you in his arms.
“Someone who mattered to me.” He’d whispered back.
And with that, you gave him one last smile before finally flickering out of existence.)
Shu approaches you at breakfast the following morning, a mug of warm tea clutched in your hands.
You two talk about a few things before he asks you for a favour. You raise an eyebrow but you’re happy to comply. It was just rare that he ever asked for something, and for assistance with it too.
“... Do you think you could cut my hair for me? It’s getting a little too long.”
Ah. Mysta and Luca had hinted about it to you before. You had noticed his hair growing longer and him not doing anything about it but you hadn’t wanted to say anything in case you drove Shu into a corner. You gently smile, and direct all your love for him in that smile for him.
“Of course. May I ask why now, though?” You were a curious person.
He reaches over and laces your fingers with his as you reach up to comb your fingers through his own long hair. He smiles, genuinely, lovingly and sincerely this time. You feel a shift in his energy, something’s changed within the past few hours since you've calmed him down from his nightmare. He radiates sincerity and love from his entire being, perhaps stored up from a previous lifetime.
“I don’t mind trying something new.”
With that, you take your fingers out of his hair and pull the one in your grasp closer to your lips. You gently place a kiss on the back of his palm, and you don’t have to look up to know that his face is bright red. He’s always been easy to fluster, but you take pleasure in knowing that you were the one who caused it this time.
He flails a little bit and leaves to make breakfast, his face still tinted red. You chuckle, as you watch him try to cool his face down while he waits for his toast and coffee to be ready. Once he’s settled with that, he slides in the seat next to yours. His face is still reminiscent of a cherry, you note with amusement.
You go to take a sip of your tea when you feel a pair of eyes on you. You turn and raise an eyebrow, meeting Shu’s gaze. His purple eyes are locked onto you. You know he has questions and you decide to spare him by starting the conversation first. “Is there something you wish to ask?”
“It’s been a while, hasn’t it? You knew it was me from the very beginning.” He hums and you appreciate that he’s straight to the point this time. “The last time you’d seen me, it was several lifetimes ago. I didn’t think you’d remember me, if at all.”
You stare at the inside of your mug, swirling your tea around. "Many years have passed since I last saw you, you know."
".. How many winters has it been since then, Vox?" He asks, curiosity in his tone.
You take a deep breath. His eyes never leave yours.
"Too many without you, Shu."
There used to be huge burn scars across his entire torso.
This is what Shu tells you that night, as you both watch the sunset from your balcony. You are leaning against him, and he’s leaning against you. Personal space was not an issue any more for you two; you had abandoned any and all mental barriers that you once held around him and you had seeked the same warmth you’d gotten from him a lifetime ago.
Judging from his past and how his magic came into being, you are not surprised that his past left physical traces on him. “Are they still there?”
"I learnt how to heal my own wounds eventually." He says, voice dripping with something you recognize to be sorrow. You know that he speaks the truth. His skin is free from all blemishes, no scars and no wounds in sight.
"You say that but.." You say to him, as you lean over to softly caress his face. ".. You never mentioned if you healed your emotional wounds too."
He leans into your touch. “Some wounds don’t heal, Vox, no matter how much we try.”
And you hate that he is right.
“That is very much true. We can pretend all we like but some scars are lifelong,” you say. He shifts closer to you and you wrap your arms around him. He fits into your arms just as well as he used to.
You continue on. “Sometimes I feel like I’m here as something temporary, despite the fact that I’ve lived for hundreds of years.. I’m scared of how people choose to perceive me, and I don't think that’s changing any time soon. I’m not how I used to be, Shu. There are too many things within me that I still can't confront. But.. I hope I can bring comfort to those around me, at least."
He smiles, looking at you like you’ve painted the sun for him. "To me, you feel like a home. I've never felt that way about someone, not until I met you, Vox."
There's irony in that statement, considering how he showed you what a home was so many years ago. You smile, and look into his eyes. Those same eyes you’d been searching for more than a century. And you were lucky enough to find them once more. Still, the ache in your heart continues to live on because you know there’s a small chance that those eyes could disappear from you once more.
"But a home requires love and warmth. I am a place where forgotten things go to, my little sorcerer."