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Kanan liked to think he’d gotten good at being a functioning adult. He couldn’t say he was recovered or had gotten over order sixty six, because one did not just simply recover from a genocide of their entire order. However, he’d gotten better at moving forward.
It had been hard at first. A starving boy on the streets, in a brown cloak that was too big and held a hollowness of memories that were now long-dead. A padawan braid he had to hide. Another orphan eating from the trash, fighting for scraps. Sleeping in doorways.
But he’d had help. Kassmir, for one. And he’d grown from a terrified child to a relatively competent adolescent smuggler. And if he had dreams of his master’s last words, of running through the rocky plains of Kaller with clones chasing after him, of the moment her felt the sudden absence, the gaping wound, the hollowness in the force as Jedi he’d known his entire life were wiped out en masse- well, most of the time alcohol could drown that out. It dampened his connection to the living force, but it kept the nightmares at bay as well.
And then he’d met Hera. The twilek who rolled her eyes at his cockiness and wanted to keep it strictly professional. But he’d started drinking less and spending more time with her. She’d seen his holocron once, he’d brought it into the common room, just to hold it in his hands and feel the familiar hum in the force in a rare night of nostalgia, and fallen asleep on the couch out there.
He knew she’d seen it, but if she knew what it was she didn’t say anything. Besides, they were so rare, she probably through it was an electronic or something.
He’d only revealed himself to her when disaster had nearly struck. She’d been deep within the Ghost, repairing a defunct part of the life support systems.
Chopper had come screaming into his room, something had fallen, the bolts broken, and he felt her fear, her absolute panic ripple in the force, and it was nauseating.
He’d grabbed his long-forgotten light saber and raced after chopper into the cargo bay where she’d been working, only to come face to face with a massive chunk of durasteel that’d fallen on top of her.
It was normally in the wall, about waist height. She’d opened the panel to access it and unbolted it, pulled it out slightly- and the entire thing had fallen onto her.
It was only a few inch fall, but he could feel the crushing pressure on his middle and the fear, and kriff she was being crushed and she didn’t even have enough air to scream….
A few pipes and couplings still attached the damned thing to the wall. It was the size of one of those old refrigeration units kanan had seen, and the pipes were keeping it so Chopper’s use of a jack to try and prop it up were useless as he frantically chortled and beeped.
Kanan said nothing, twisting the two familiar pieces of metal together and hearing the snap-hiss of his lightsaber coming to life. One well placed swing severed the troublesome couplings.
Chopper had stopped trying to jack up the thing and stared at Kanan, who was still holding his lightsaber, in alarm.
Kanan didn’t say a word, reaching out his empty hand to the air, fingers spread apart.
He rarely used the force anymore. He tried to keep that part of his old life locked away. Occasionally, he’ d fall asleep holding his holocron in his bunk- just for comfort- but that was only a handful of times, when he couldn’t sleep.
He had purposefully shuttered his connection to the force.
But now that he needed it, would it abandon him? Was he even strong enough, after all this time spent without it?
Please, don’t fail me now. He thought as a silent plea.
He took a deep breath and tried to focus.
Chopper was beeping angrily at him for his seeming inaction, but as the massive piece of durasteel equipment started to shake he fell silent, rocketing backwards in alarm as it raise one, two inches, half a foot, two feet off the ground….
Kanan was sweating, eyes closed. He moved it ten feet to the side off of her and let it fall to the ground with an almighty clank, thoroughly exhausted.
Hera had just wanted to replace some troublesome fuses in the life support system and some sketchy wiring before it went bad. Sure, it was a pain to get at- the equipment was heavy and hard to get to, but she could do it no problem.
They had some downtime anyways- her mysterious but good looking crew mate was probably sleeping or reading- she liked that he’d been reading more and drinking less lately- in fact, she was starting to like a lot about him, but she wouldn’t admit it. She’d seen relationships ruin business before, and she liked having him around too much to risk ruining it by getting romantic.
The large console was precariously placed on the ledge of it’s compartment, and she was laying underneath it. It’s wires and lines were still holding it up, and she ordered chopper to get a jack to brace it just incase, when the whole thing slipped and suddenly a massive, crushing weight and darkness was upon her.
Out of all the ways she could die, this was pretty horrifically unexpected.
The crushing weight wasn’t enough to kill her- rather, it would smother her, she realized, as she struggled to draw breath against the crushing weight on her and find hope in the darkness.
She was going to die. Unless chopper managed to jack it up and get it off her, even an inch would give her more room to breath, make it less of a struggle, and then maybe Kanan could help….
She heard the droid’s furious whirring and beeping, before he was rolling off.
Oh. No. He must’ve been unable to get the jack to work. He was going to get Kanan, Kanana would help her, she tried to reassure herself. But her heart was hammering against her ribcage, each breath was getting harder and harder to draw, and the crushing weight upon her lekku made her ears ring and the blood was roaring through her head and her vision- even though it was just of the dull draw durasteel crushing her- was starting to fuzz out.
Oh. This is it. And she was gone.
It was ironic, because if she’d been asked, she’d have said it was nearly impossible for her to die getting crushed by her own ship’s equipment. In a crash, maybe- all pilots had to reckon with the idea of dying in a crash. But a routine repair? Well, she was normally careful, so it was nearly impossible.
But maybe she had died, because when her eyes fluttered open, the horrible, crushing weight was off her. Kanan Jarrus was standing in front of her, holding a glowing blue lightsaber, other hand outstretched.
He looked strung out. He looked like hell. Pale, shaking, sweating- crying?
She’d seem him anxious before, normally he’d have a drink or two to take the edge off, but never, ever, had she seen him crying.
His lips were moving, he was saying something….
“Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. I can’t do this again…. Please, please, please be okay….”
And then, with the oxygen and senses coming back to her, she gasped and sat up, coughing.
Kanan jumped a foot in the air, startled. Chopper whirred in the distance.
“Are- are you okay?” Kanan offered lamely.
She finished coughing, gasping in another deep breath.
And finally, when she caught her breath, she blurted out the first thing she could- because coherence had returned, and the glowing blue saber in his hand confirmed he was something she’d thought to be extinct, hunted down, wiped out. Someone she hadn’t seen since she was a child on Ryloth.
“You’re a Jedi.”.
“You’re okay?” Kanan asked again dumbly. He was still crying- no, that wasn’t accurate- tears were rolling down his cheeks, and he looked terrified - but he wasn’t crying. He looked zoned out, like he was only half there.
“I… yeah. I’m okay.” she confirmed, dusting herself off and standing.
Kanan pulled the hilt of his light saber apart, dropping it like a child would a forgotten toy. She heard the clink of it hitting the durasteel floor of the cargo bay, and he stepped forward and wrapped both arms around her, pulling her into a frantic embrace.
“Chopper came… I felt you… crushed, scared, couldn’t breathe…. I cut the coupling, I moved it…. You were just laying there. So still. So quiet. I… I thought you were gone, I was alone again, I was too slow, I failed you, you were gone and it was my fault….” he was rambling now, struggling to communicate.
His embrace on her was so tight it actually hurt- but it was a good kind fo hurt on her bruised flesh, compared to the crushing weight she’d just endured.
She pulled back, brown gloved fingers reaching up to brush just beneath his eyes worriedly.
“Kanan- you’re crying.” she had never seen him cry before. Well, maybe once, when he was drunk, but he’d never said why, just cried himself to sleep.
“I love you. I thought you were dead, and I couldn’t figure out how the hell I was going to live without you. I hate being alone. Always the one left behind….” he pulled her close to him, burying his face in her leku.
He was still crying, she could feel the hot tears on her leku. A strange sensation, to be sure, but Kanan was definitely in more distress than she was at the moment, and she reached out and started rubbing his back, trying to calm him down.
At the same time, her heart was now racing for an entirely different reason. He’d said he loved her. All those feelings- those second glances, those thoughts, that she figured might be unrequited or ruinous to their business partnership- bubbled up and over.
“You love me?”.
He nodded into her lekku. He still hadn’t let go of her.
She stopped rubbing his back.
“I… I think I might love you too.” she admitted. He squeezed her tighter, and it hurt because she’d just nearly been crushed to death, but it hurt so good she didn’t care.
They must’ve stood like that for nearly five minutes before Kanan pulled back, taking a shaky breath and looking down at her.
“Oh, love.” his face was a mess of tears, and she reached out to dry them.
Kanan blinked dumbly, flinching slightly at her touch.
“You’re crying. You’re a Jedi.” she turned, looking at the glowing red hot wires and metal tubing he’d cut to sever the life support unit from the wall, how it had somehow moved halfway across the cargo bay. “You ruined the life support console. You saved my life. And you’re crying?”.
“I am?” Kanan looked exhausted. Hera had never seen him this messed up sober, and she made a mental note to file it away and ask him when he wasn’t so worked up. He wiped at his eyes with his sleeve, sniffling.
“You’re okay?” he asked dumbly, looking at her.
She nodded. “A bit bruised. But it could’ve been much worse. You saved me. You’re a Jedi.”.
Kanan winced slightly at the term. “It’s been a long time since anybody has called me that.” he admitted, and she could hear the pain in his voice.
“Did you… was that… the force?” she posited lamely. Because there was absolutely no way a normal human male could move that massive thing across the cargo bay themselves.
Kanan nodded, looking a bit more like himself. “Do you want to see it?” he asked cautiously.
She nodded, eyes widening. “I haven’t seen a Jedi since I was a child.”.
Kanan let out a humorless laugh. He stepped back, reaching out a hand- the two metal cylinders, his lightsaber that he’d disassembled and dropped, trembled, twitched from where they sat on the floor, before they were floating into his hand.
She was mesmerized.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Kanan asked plainly.
“I’m good. Are you? Because you just cried and you look… spaced out.”.
“Apparently I was crying. I guess I’m having a moment. It’s been a long time since… this.” Kanan admitted, looking down at the pieces of his lightsaber uncertainly.
“We should get some rest.” Hera admitted finally. “My room has a bigger bunk.” she took him by the wrist, leading him down the hall to her room.
He looked around in wonderment, settling into her large, heated bunk- she was the captain, afterall, she’d splurged for a few amenities.
He was laying propped up on her pillows, and she rested her head on his chest, tracing her fingers over the intricate design on half of his lightsaber, entranced.
“So… it comes apart?”. She asked, brows furrowing.
Kanan nodded.
“Do they… do they all do that? Because I don’t remember seeing Master Windu’s or Master Kenobi’s do that… during the war.”.
A pained expression crossed Kanan’s face for a moment, before it was back to a neutral expression. He shook his head quietly. “Mine does. A few others do. It’s the way I designed it.” he admitted quietly.
He laid back against the pillows, looking exhausted, as he ran his fingers over her leku. Oh, it felt wonderful and she wanted to close her eyes. But she still had a million questions.
But Kanan looked absolutely rung out, and she’d seen the footage of the jedi executions- everyone had, since the Empire had taken power. He’d already showed her so much of that mysterious side of him today, and he was so tired….
“Can we talk about this… sometime? Later, when you’re feeling better. You’ve been through a lot today. But I get that stuff like this can be hard to talk about.” she hoped she was being respectful as she asked about this.
Kanan blinked tiredly. “Yeah. Ask me about this some other time- when you don’t nearly get crushed to death- and I might feel more like talking about it.”. He deadpanned. “I had a lot of feelings.”.
“Really? Is that why you admitted you loved me?” she asked. Because she’d figured it had been the shock and stress of the moment.
“I felt you.” Kanan looked down at her, eyes warm with emotion. “In the force. The weight- the crushing weight. The fear. The pain. Not able to take a breath. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to get it off you. And you were still…. I’ve lost so many people.” his voice nearly broke, and he hung his head, closing his eyes. “I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you too.”.
She reached up, trailing a hand down his cheek and resting it there. He opened his blue eyes and looked at her mournfully.
“I’m sorry I frightened you. It must be hard. But I’m here. And I think we might have something….” she leaned up, giving him a peck on the cheek. She wanted to kiss him on the lips, but they were both so exhausted, that could wait for later.
“Let’s just get some sleep for now. We can talk about this all later.” she promised.
“Okay.”.
She laid down, resting her head on his chest. He’d laid down as well, reclining more, trailing his fingers through her leku.
She fell asleep like that, with his heartbeat thrumming in her ear and his warm hand resting atop her leku.