Work Text:
There was something suspicious going on.
In the two whole years now that Chuuya has known Dazai, that shitty fish has never behaved so strangely as he was today. He was absurd and annoying on a regular day in the first place. That scaled up by four times, and there's his peculiar behaviour today right there. Understandably, it was super creepy!
A Dazai who acted weirder than usual? Surely nobody needed that at all.
Chuuya started noticing the symptoms first thing in the morning. It was very noticeable, see. For some reason, that bastard practically lived with Chuuya now. All his bare minimum stuff was stored away in Chuuya's closets, and he even shared his very luxurious bed! Chuuya considered kicking him out a year or so ago, but he's just been too lazy to actually do it.
Working at the Port Mafia was tiring, alright? Nobody had the time to kick out unwanted, pet mackerels from their houses. It was just better to leave pests alone, and pray for them to leave you alone too, and keep your sanity intact.
Anyway, even though the infamous duo ended up sharing a bed at night, Dazai always woke up first, a good couple hours before dawn break, and normal waking-up time. Because Chuuya actually gave a fuck about his sleep schedule, he woke up during normal hours, unlike his very annoying partner. Even more annoyingly, he was usually woken up by a pillow smacked to his face, a certain brunet whining and bitching about how he needed food, and how 'his dog' should wake up right away and make him breakfast.
It was a good thing that Dazai was dealing with food and eating habits better now, and that he was even able to actually ask to be cooked for and fed. But still! A guy needs to sleep in every once in a while, alright? And besides, even if he was to be woken up super early by that asshole, couldn't that guy be a little more gentle about it?!
That is exactly what happened today. Which was, of course, the very first sign of the universe being thrown into chaos; even if might be for just a day.
Today, Chuuya was woken up by bony fingers poking his cheeks, and chapped lips breathing softly into his hair. Since he was not used to such weird feelings, Chuuya obviously came to the most logical conclusion. That someone had broken into his apartment and kidnapped the shitty fish as a favour to him, and he was now being woken up so strangely by the kidnapper himself.
As expected of brutish chibis with muscles for brains (Dazai's words, any doubt?), Chuuya jumped out of bed immediately, instantly on alert and his eyes wandering to find the stranger in his room. Completely opposite to his expectations, he was greeted by the sight of the usual asshole lying down on his bed.
Dazai raised his eyebrows, lips curved up in amusement, "It's just me."
Having decided that his apartment was, indeed, safe from creepy strangers, Chuuya groaned before sliding back into bed, "What the fuck. That was so gross. What's with you today?"
Dazai waved his hands, "I just figured I should wake up my dog kindly today."
Said 'dog' mumbled, "Whatever. I'll make you breakfast in a bit so-"
This time, his partner cut him off, "Oh, don't bother. It's fine. I was leaving anyway, so I'll just see you later."
Before Chuuya could properly gather his thoughts and say something, that asshole was already out of his apartment, the door shutting behind him with a soft click. On looking around at his bedroom once again, Chuuya couldn't help but notice how everything looked... So clean, and empty. It was almost as if Dazai had never been there at all.
...Wasn't that just weird?
Within the next two hours, the second anomaly of the day was staring at him right in the face. Literally. This time, it was the mission schedule that looked totally wrong. As usual, the first thing Chuuya did after getting to his office was check his schedule, and make plans for the day accordingly. Normally, all his missions would be with Dazai. If there weren't any on-field missions, he was stuck doing lots of paperwork. Again, with Dazai.
So, it was definitely unnatural that all his two missions today were both scheduled with other people. That almost never happens! Sure, these missions were scheduled with people that Chuuya was familiar with. He'd even say he was friends with them. But... But it was not Dazai, damn it! And that made Chuuya uncomfortable, for some reason.
It was all even more suspicious because Chuuya was actually left alone today?! Usually, that would never happen. Dazai would always show up to their shared office, barging into his personal space and clinging onto him, whining like the annoying brat he was. Then, that shitty bastard would proceed to touch his hair constantly, and patting him as if he was some dog! Chuuya always wished that Dazai would leave him alone, but...
Why was it happening today...?! It was very unsettling, damn it!
Even throughout the rest of the day, Chuuya ended up not running into Dazai at all. On a regular day, he'd see that bastard at least, at least, twenty times a day. At their office, in meeting rooms, at missions, at the smoking rooms, in the bathrooms! That guy was everywhere; as if he was personally targeting to annoy Chuuya for the whole day.
But somehow, miraculously today, Dazai was nowhere to be seen?!
Holy shit, did he maybe finally succeed at one of his suicide attempts? Maybe luck had finally decided to be on his side, and give him what he really wanted. Wait. Hold on. Wasn't it really bad if that was indeed the case? Normally, Chuuya would say something along the lines of "It's not like I particularly care if that bastard finally dies or anything. It'd just be troublesome to do missions on my own."
But today was clearly the day for all abnormal happenings, and by extension, confessions.
Chuuya could at least admit that he'd very bothered if that shitty Dazai was to actually die and leave him behind. He was already super unsettled by that fact he hadn't seen that bastard all day. And it was already evening?! Thinking about it with utmost rationale, the fact that Chuuya could complete two whole missions with other people, without being disturbed by Dazai?
That was a huge red flag, if Chuuya has ever seen one.
The only possible conclusion was that something was definitely wrong. So, Chuuya went ahead and took the most logical action in such circumstances.
He skipped out on his last meeting of the day to go hunt for Dazai.
Chuuya must have actually developed 'doggy instincts' as Dazai calls it, because he was able to find that asshole in the very place he looked for him. Sure enough, Dazai was holed up in their shared office. Perched on top of his desk, his legs swinging around, he was very absorbed in the game he was playing on his phone.
Needless to say, Chuuya was disgusted by how insanely relieved he felt, just because he'd confirmed that Dazai wasn't dead. He was fine, he was alive, and he was still being an absolute annoyance. As expected of him. No, this was a good thing. Because now Chuuya could go ahead and kick that bastard for causing him so much discomfort throughout the day!
He did exactly that. He strode forward to where his partner was sitting and kicked him in the legs before wrapping his arms around him tightly, "Fuck, I hate you so much."
The way Dazai dropped his phone in alarm was hilarious, to say the least. He then proceeded to struggle against his partner, face flushed red and words coming out in fragments, "Wha-! Chuuya?! You- Um. What's with you... Anyway, hey, get off me!!"
Chuuya pulled back, but not before gently tapping the other on his head, "What the fuck is wrong with you today, oi!"
Dazai tittered nervously, "Nothing! I'm the same as usual, but... Why are you here?! Shouldn't you be in a meeting?"
Ah. So it was like that now, was it? Chuuya finally understood what was going on.
His eyes narrowed dangerously, "You were seriously trying to avoid me today? The fuck did I do to you, asshole?"
A yelp from the other, "I wasn't- I wasn't!"
"Sure. Whatever you say. Because it's completely normal for me to not see you once in the whole day."
Dazai huffed, "I was just busy. And didn't you have fun missions too?"
Chuuya was clearly over being so stressed about this. He merely shrugged, "They were unsettling. I don't like on-field missions without you there. It's nerve wracking."
"Because of your ability?"
A soft sigh, "Yeah. That's part of it."
Dazai tried again, "But other than that, you had a good day, right?"
Chuuya's voice sounded too quiet and subdued even to his own ears, "Most of it was spent over worrying about you. I thought maybe you'd successfully committed suicide."
Dazai's eyes widened immediately, "What, no! That wasn't my intention at all!" He added with a whine, "Chuuya!"
The other mafioso turned around questioningly, "Intention?"
His partner finally sighed in defeat, "I just... I just figured Chuuya would have a nicer birthday if I wasn't around him a lot."
....
....?
For a few seconds, neither of the Devastating Rivals uttered a word. Then, Chuuya blinked in unfiltered surprise, "It's my birthday?"
Dazai rolled his eyes, "Great. All this effort to avoid you as a present and you didn't even know it was your birthday."
Chuuya groaned, "What the fuck. There are so many things wrong with this situation. How do you know it's my birthday anyway?"
"It says so in your official records."
"That's... Let's get back to that later. What's about avoiding me as a present?"
"I just figured Chuuya would have a nicer day if I avoided him. Since you're always saying how I'm such an annoyance and I should just leave you alone. It was a nice present, okay! Aren't I such a good doggie owner?"
Chuuya nudged his partner hard before wrapping an arm around him, "You... Fucking. Idiot. I'll have you know that being ignored by you doesn't feel as good as you'd expect it to. It was strange and comfortable, and for fuck's sake, I don't want to feel that ever again."
Dazai whined, "But I assigned you missions with your friends!"
"What friends?! I mean, sure I know them, but... Why would I think I'd rather spend my birthday with them over you? Not that they knew it was my birthday, by the way."
"But you don't like me!! So isn't it natural you'd like to spend your birthday with them?"
Chuuya let out a loud, exasperated sigh, "Shitty Dazai. It's not like I don't like you all the time, you know? I do like you occasionally. I wouldn't be going out with you otherwise. Also seriously, I'd much rather you cling to me the whole day than worrying if you're still alive all the time."
Dazai huffed quietly, "I didn't mean to worry you."
Chuuya snorted once, before lifting his hand to gently pat the other's head, "I know. It's fine."
Following this conversation, neither of them said anything for a good while, choosing to just sit in silence instead. Today was restless and chaotic, and a few minutes of peace and quiet while not having to worry about Dazai? That just sounded like heaven to Chuuya.
But then a couple minutes later, the redhead spoke again, "Oi, Dazai?"
"Yes, beloved doggie?"
Chuuya laughed, "Shut up. I'm not your dog, asshole. Anyway. Hey, do you think it's really my birthday? Considering I came to consciousness just a few years ago?"
Dazai responded, his voice soft, "I don't know what the date actually signifies, Slug. Maybe it's the day you gained your consciousness. Or maybe it's the day you were actually born. But everyone needs a birthdate to signify their age, right? This is just your official one, as far as we know."
"By born, do you mean the day I was created? But I wasn't made in a single day, was I? It was probably a long project."
For a few seconds, his partner said nothing. Then, he spoke thoughtfully, "I don't think it matters. But your bodily age is seventeen now. Chuuya is just a year off to being a legal adult~"
Chuuya let out a bitter, rueful laugh, "I'd have to be actually human for that, don't you think? What's the point of celebrating a birthday if I'm not even human in the first place?"
Dazai's voice was firm when he spoke this time, "Chuuya is the most human person I know. There's no way you aren't one. I know because, I'm not human. And you're nothing like me. You're much kinder and worth. You're nothing like me, so you must be a human. You have to be. There's no way you aren't."
For some reason, Chuuya's eyes were blurring together, as a consequence of the tears welling up in them. He blinked furiously a few times in an attempt to get rid of them, before turning to his partner, "That's... It's not like you're not human or anything. It's not like that."
"Isn't it?"
Chuuya shook his head, "It's not. You're an asshole, but... You're alright. If you can see the likes of me as a human, I'm sure you are one too."
Dazai insisted, his voice tinted with a whine, "But you are one!"
The redhead rolled his eyes, "Whatever. What was that you said last year? 'I want Chuuya to suffer as a human'? Is that what it was?"
Being reminded of memories of the past year, Dazai stilled a little, "Yeah. I'd still say that. Back then, you were struggling to know, weren't you? The logical codes, your DNA, if you're actually artificial? But see, it's only humans who suffer like that, Slug. You wouldn't have given it a second thought if you actually weren't one. But no matter what, I do want Chuuya to live as a human, if nothing else. Besides, it doesn't matter anyway."
Ignoring all the heavy stuff, Chuuya raised his eyebrows, "It doesn't matter?"
Dazai offered him a simple smile, "Human, not human; it doesn't really matter. Chuuya is just Chuuya. Just a little chibi who's too stupid to even remember his own birthday."
The redhead burst out laughing, "You-!! It's the 29th of April, ne? I'll remember it from now on."
His partner shook his head fondly, "Be sure to do so. That way you can just demand your own presents next time."
Chuuya got off his seat almost instantly, "Why wait for next time when I can do it now? Take me to dinner, Shitty Dazai."
Getting dragged along out of their office with little resistance, Dazai complained, "Why do I have to?"
He was responded to with gloved hands ruffling his hair, "Because your first attempt at giving me a present was a complete fail. I don't want to be left alone by you if it's going to be so unpleasant, damn it!"
Sliding an arm around his short partner's shoulders, Dazai grinned, "You complain so much, but don't you just love me so much, Chuuya?"
As expected, he got kicked again, "Isn't it fucking obvious, you bastard!!"
Well, if nothing else today, Chuuya at least got to experience a very flustered Dazai, his face buried in his hands and actually cursing at Chuuya because,
"How could you just say it like that, you stupid chibi!"
Chuuya doesn't care much for birthdays, or rather he hasn't so far; but his seventeenth one was definitely going to be a good memory. After all, he did find a secret weapon to throw Dazai off his game whenever he wanted, ne?
It was truly the most perfect present he could for~