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He opens the door with a terrible speed and gets into an empty classroom. The chatting from the corridor is present in the background, while Paul struggles to keep his nerves under control. This is not the first time he's been underestimated by his teachers. They all want him to have a structural thinking, but he can't do that. He has to put a tiny bit of himself into everything he writes. The teacher called his work "a piece of crap." In the classroom, he felt his tears gathering in his eyes, but he cannot show weakness anymore. It is already bad enough that Julian saw him in the past, the real him. The real, angry Paul. He feels his pulse blocking his breathing and pounding so badly that he has to put his hand on the artery. He feels it'll just burst out and kill him. He asks to go to the bathroom because he cannot breathe. He gets up and the dizziness hits him. He needs to find a room, an empty one, to stabilise himself. His extremities shake uncontrollably, his hands clenching and unclenching violently. He cannot have another outburst.
His vision tunnels and he gets into the empty classroom. There he looks for something solid, a wall that is empty and cold. His entire body hurts from anger, anger that he can never do anything right and that he disappoints everyone. The anger, fueled by the fact that he is not enough, is not what everyone believes. He touches the wall with his forehead and tries to breathe like a human being.
While he does that, he hears the door shifting slightly, but he doesn't fear it, because he knows very well who's presence is there. He knew the steps, the soft way the doorknob moved. Only one person can move as swiftly as a predator. It is Julian.
He doesn't flinch and doesn't shy away from Julian seeing him like this. Because he knows Julian, he knows him as half of his soul. They are one. And he knows that Julian is there to check on him. To comfort him.
His steps are barely audible, and Paul feels Julian's hands reaching for him, from shoulders, going down between his shoulder blades, and then going down, back hugging him. Right after this, he feels how Julian rests his chin on the ridge of his neck, his lips close to Paul's ears, saying: "Paul, it's alright, you can breathe again. I'm here. And I'm here to stay until you can come back to normal."
At that moment, these words meant so much to Paul. They meant what he needed from life. What he wanted to hear, without manipulating someone into purposefully saying them. He felt seen. But he also felt like a broken butterfly, ready to fall.
He slowly turned to Julian, and they were facing each other now, comfortably close to one another, keeping each other's gaze, millimetres apart. Julian puts his hand on Paul's collarbone because he knows how calming it is for Paul. Because he knows that if he strokes it gently, Paul will become calmer and able to properly breathe.
Paul's eyes close, and he lets out a sigh of relief. He supports his entire weight on Julian now, and he lets himself melt into his arms. Julian says, "That's it, just breathe," while planting a kiss on his forehead. "Let us sit down on the floor." And Paul does as he says, for he is drained. Anger is a hungry thing, that bites and steals and drains. They lowered themselves gently, without breaking the hug that tied them, Julian coordinating them both.
Paul's eyes are tightly closed, and some tears are starting to come out of them. He hides his face in Julian's yellowish cotton shirt and says: "I can't, please. I can't stand it anymore. I can't do anything right. I'm a disaster. I can't write, I can't paint. " He raises his head, tears streaming down, and looks into Julian's deep green eyes. "I don't understand why you are still here with me."
Julian's lips curl into a tender smile and says, "Pablo, when will you understand that I care about you, and if it matters, I love you. My life would cease if you disappeared, and my eyes would go blind if I were to never see you walk on this Earth. Don't you get it? You define me. I need you like humans need oxygen. You are essential to me. And as a matter of fact, you are my disaster. "
As he says this, Paul's cry turns into violent sobs, and in a couple of minutes, he finds his calm. As he does that, he raises his head, holding Julian's gaze. "You are more than I could've ever wanted from this life. You are the light that keeps me going. " And then he reaches for Julian's lips and gives him a strong, intoxicating kiss, making him gasp, and Julian murmurs tender words before Paul's lips. And they remain there, clinging to one another as if this is the only way they can survive this world's horrors.