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As far as Carl seems to be concerned Negan might as well be on another fuckin’ planet. Negans being a really damn nice guy and giving him an absolutely stellar blowjob, but Carl is utterly and completely checked out. He’s sprawled out on the bed, hands very gently resting in the man’s hair but he’s not moving them, and he’s letting out the softest little whimpers that Negan had ever heard. He’s distracted- Negan can almost hear him thinking. Which wasn’t exactly new, since the kid never relaxed, but this seemed more extreme than usual.
They’d had a routine going for a few weeks now. Carl would show up- or Negan would have someone fetch him- about every other night or so. They’d have some mind blowing sex, that usually began before Carl even made it through the door of the bedroom and usually ended with him being pinned against that same door, couch or any other odd piece of furniture that was closest to them because neither of them were very patient.
For what Carl lacked in experience he made up for in sheer enthusiasm. He was young, touch starved and Negan was addicted to the way Carl would look at him and how damn responsive he was. The kid was like a gift from god that had been thrown into his lap. But it wasn’t god that had landed Carl here, it was Rick himself, who by his misactions had ensured Carl would end up here with a daddy kink to top it all off. It was almost too good to be true, and Negan got almost high thinking about it.
But after sex Carl usually very quickly made his way out before Negan got even a chance to even think about the word cuddle. Which was fine, he told himself. Negan didn’t do a lot of that shit anyways, because he didn’t trust a single human being to sleep next to him and not slit his throat, and he didn’t have time for frivolities. He had been more than fine with keeping things to strictly sex.
Negan would never admit it, but somewhere along the line a part of him had started to wish that Carl would give him more. A small part of him longed to hold him just a little longer every time he saw him. His bed felt a little more empty when Carl would slip away, and he didn’t quite know what that damn kid was doing to him- and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.
When Carl had showed up tonight, though, something was very different about him. He was distant, seemed almost fragile, seemed to be suffering from that bone deep exhaustion that Negan himself was very familiar with. His eye kept drifting to Negan, to his hands and his face, and staying there, almost pleading with him for something that the man couldn’t quite place. Carl himself probably didn’t even know what he needed, because he never really did.
Negan pulls off of him, and when he does he expects Carl to have at least some kind of reaction but instead the dammed kid just continues to stare aimlessly at the ceiling. Negan frowns and crawls up to him, finally catching Carl's attention, who startles a little at the sight of him suddenly above him.
“Well shit. Either I just gave you the world's shittiest blow job or something’s really wrong in that lil’ half a skull of yours.” He says, booping him on the forehead.
Carl shakes his head, like he’s just realizing that Negan is there. “Shit. Sorry. I just… sorry. You wanna just-“
Carl sits up on his elbows with a strange look.
“-can you just fuck me?” Carls hand goes to pull at him, but the effort is half hearted at best.
Negan stares at him, trying to piece together exactly what’s going on in that messed up head of his. Carl looks truly exhausted. The bags under his eyes rival a trash pandas and he looks paler than usual and that’s saying something.
“No.” Is all Negan finally says, squinting at him as if he's studying him. Carl is visibly taken aback, and he opens his mouth to say something but closes it quickly. Negans intense stare is keeping him quiet, freezing him in place. He feels like trapped prey, like he can’t go anywhere even if he wanted to.
Negan softens at the confused look on Carls face. “I don’t think that’s what you need right now, is it?”
The kid seems to think on it for a moment. “I don’t…know.” Is all he says, very uncertainly, trying to figure out if that was the right answer or not. Everything with Negan was such a game, and he never knew if he was playing right. The corners of Negans mouth turn up into just the smallest grin, and he takes a hand and goes to move a piece of hair out of Carls face. Carl jumps though before he can get there, and that sets off alarm bells in the man’s head. Yes. Something is was very off with him.
“Sorry.” Carl mumbles out in the smallest voice he’s ever heard, and it’s barely discernible.
“Somethin's up with you. You look like you’re about to fall over.”
Carl shrugs. “I’m fine.” He says, defensively. Negan wouldn’t have expected any other answer. And as if to prove how fine he was, Carls hands move to Negans sides, hinting that he wanted something from him, and start to work their way lower until Negan pushes him away firmly.
“No. None of that tonight.”
Carls face immediately falls, and he looks hurt, and Negan suddenly wishes he had just gone along with him because he hates that look on Carls face.
“I- I just got here though, and now you’re making me go home just because I look a little tired? ” Carl says incredulously.
Negan pushes back against him and stares down at him, almost amused for a moment by Carl's immediate panic.
“Who said anything about going back? Kid, you are dead on your feet. You need to get some sleep… Some real rest. God knows somethins keepin’ you up at night.”
Carl doesn’t say anything for a minute, just chews on his lip like he’s trying work out what Negan is saying.
“Why do you want me to stay, then? If we’re not gonna have sex?”
Negan huffs out a laugh. “Ouch kid, you are stone cold. Now I just feel like you’ve been usin’ me. I’m hurt.”
Carl makes a face at him and rolls his eye. He expects some kind of retaliation from Negan but instead the man just kisses him on the forehead very affectionately. Usually Carl would question it, but he’s so utterly exhausted that he just finds himself giving in for once.
“Go to sleep, Carl.” Is all Negan says in a firm, not fucking around tone. But when Carl looks up at him, all questioning and uncertain and almost a little fearful, Negan softens yet again. He swears Carl could probably get away with anything.
“Get some rest, alright? It’s okay. Really.” Negan says genuinely.
“I- uh…okay.” He mumbles out, sounding a little lost.
Carls exhausted, and he can’t even force himself to put up a fight, so he finally gives in and nods. He just lays his head almost cautiously down on his pillow, but Negan has other plans. He scoops him up and pulls Carl onto his chest. Carls suddenly aware of a hand running through his hair, and he can’t help but move into the touch. Vaguely, he wonders if he’s dreaming or if he’s fallen into another dimension.
Sometimes there was a very small bit of cuddling after they had sex, but Carl was always quick to cut it off before he got too comfortable because he knew he’d have to trek back to Alexandria before long, so this is something entirely new for him
He can hear his heart actually hammering in his head and he’s so on edge, now that they’ve wandered into such uncharted territory. Which is a little ridiculous- they’d had sex on basically every inch of this room, and so he wasn’t sure why cuddling of all things was setting him off so much. But it’s intimate in a strange way, and Carl can’t help but feel unsettled. It’s as if Negan can read his thoughts and the man starts to run his hand down Carls lower back, soothing him, telling him things are okay.
Negans hand ultimately finds Carls own, and he laces their fingers together. Carls thrown off by the gesture, and he lifts his head that had settled on the mans chest to question Negan with a look.
“I got you.” Negan says softly, moving a piece of hair out of his face. He doesn’t jump away this time. “Let me take care of you, Carl.”
Carls chest suddenly tightens and his stomach hurts at the words because it was exactly what he had needed to hear, without him even knowing it. He’s overcome by something, and he doesn’t know what to do with all the strange emotions that are swirling around inside of him. He’s suddenly overwhelmed by the need to kiss Negan- so that’s what he does.
It’s the very first time that Carl has kissed him with absolutely no intention of taking things further. Instead of the usual roughness and hurriedness that filled most of their interactions this is soft, timid, not rushed, not hinting at something else. It ends up being drawn out, and Negan lets Carl kiss him for as long as he senses he needs to.
When Carl finally stops and pulls back Negan just puts a hand on his chin, making Carl look up at him. Makes him really look at him. Carl shrinks a little under the gaze, until the man’s thumb runs along his jaw, telling him that it was okay.
Negans arm slinks around his back, pulling Carl to him in a protective hold. Carl finally lays his head back down on the man’s chest. He settles, and lets out a soft little content huff.
It was nice, Carl realizes before long. Having someone there with him as he fell asleep. When he slept alone- especially recently, for some reason- any tiny bit of noise would rouse him, and falling asleep took forever. He’d cautiously peek an eye open whenever he got the feeling that anything was amiss around him, and it would start the whole cycle over again.
The window in his room was his weak spot. Nightly- sometimes multiple times a night- he swore he heard knocking against the glass, despite the fact that he was on the second floor. And no one was there, of course, but he couldn’t quite convince his addled, traumatized brain that there wasn’t someone standing outside of his window with a knife, leering at him. No one was there, as they had been that night when he had been roused out of a deep sleep in that abandoned pickup truck where he had fallen asleep thinking how hungry he still was.
As much as he’d try and forget that night it was forever etched in his memory like a damn video repaying over and over. Someone, for eternity, was standing outside of his window, waiting for him to fall asleep and capitalize on his weakness. So his mind seemed to be in a never ending struggle with his body, especially recently. Physically he needed to sleep, but his brain just wouldn’t give him that opportunity.
“You are not safe.” The words that Rick had spoken to him in that church so long ago are constantly rolling around in his brain, keeping him from resting.
And as he thinks about it, again, staring at the window of this room, he tenses. He thinks of all the dreams that had been plaguing him recently, keeping him awake at every hour. Despite it all, Negans protective presence was so calming. If someone was outside the window here they’d have quite a job getting through Negan- logically, he knows that. But he also knows that when he’s pulled from a deep sleep by yet another dream that logic will be gone, and he’ll hear his dads words clearly. You are not safe.
Instead of pondering more though he gives in, happy for once to not be alone, Negans breathing lulling him to sleep. As he drifts off he swears he feels Negan kiss his forehead again, but he’s also positive he must be dreaming such a tender gesture coming from the man.
***
Carl wakes up in the middle of the night, and not from a dream, but to a thunderstorm. He jumps up, his eye darting to the window nervously as more lightning makes it visible, and he's surprised when a weight pulls him back down. Negans arm is still around him, stopping him from going anywhere and pulling him back into the comfort of their blankets.
“S’Kay, kid, it’s justa storm.” Negan mumbles out tiredly, yawning and pulling him towards him. But it’s not the rain keeping Carl awake now. Negan runs a hand along Carls hip, and he must sense how tense he suddenly is. The man sits up a little and looks down at him.
“Carl?” Negan asks, getting his attention.
“Can you check the window?” Carl spits out in a rush, in a rare state of vulnerability, surprising himself that he had said it outloud. He sits up and stares down at Negan.
“The- the what?”
“The window.” Carl says in a very small, almost childlike voice dripping with sheer vulnerability, and he hugs his knees. “I- can you just…can you just make sure no one’s there?”
Negan for a moment has an urge to laugh, to tell Carl that they are about ten stories up, that these windows don’t even open. It’s fucking comical.
“Kid-” he starts, but then he sees the look of terror on Carls face, one he had never seen before. So instead of saying anything, he nods and gets his happy ass out of bed for the boy and treks over to each window. When he settles back down in bed Carl almost launches himself at Negan, into his arms, his nails digging into the man’s skin.
“Hey, hey. I’m here.” Negan says softly, running a hand over him, shushing him and calming the shake that’s now running through Carl. “I’m here, baby boy.”
Negan notices Carl's eye still drifting to the window, nervously,
“What’s got you so shaken up? Who do you think is there, baby?” Negan asks softly. Carl shakes his head, and burrows into the mans neck.
“No one. They’re not here, I know, I know. M’sorry.” Carl mumbles into his chest, not making much sense, but Negan just continues to run a hand down his lower back, soothing him, or trying to. He’d never seen Carl like this and it was such a stark contrast to the kids usually stone cold front. It sends a chill down his spine to see him so shaken. “M’sorry.” Carl apologizes again.
“Hey, no. None of that. No one else is here besides us, Carl. I’m here, okay? ‘M not leavin’ you.” Once Negan starts talking he doesn’t stop, desperate to provide any small relief that he can to the kid. “And I don’t want you to ever leave. You can stay with me every night for all I fuckin’ care, baby. I want you here. Safe with me.” Negans mumbling nonsensical things now, saying whatever comes to his mind, but he truly means it all. “I got you now, okay?”
He’s shocked at just how fast Carls breathing evens out, how fast he falls asleep curled up against him. He must have been truly exhausted to fall asleep that quickly after being so shaken up. Randomly in his sleep Carl would burrow himself even more into the mans neck, a little whimper escaping him, and Negan would pull him a little closer, and shush him.
Negan had no idea who had hurt him, or what they had done, but he wanted to find each and every single one of them and tear their limbs off. The fierce wave of protectiveness that he was beginning to associate with the boy ran through him yet again- his boy.
For every ounce of fierceness Carl had about him he was also equally damaged and frightened. And when he was allowed to be- which wasn’t often- he was actually sweet. And soft. Negan longed to see that side of him more. He wonders how long Carl had needed this- just to be held, and comforted, and reassured that he was safe. The kid hadn’t become this touch starved overnight, after all.
Negan didn’t know how long he stayed up, but by the time he felt himself falling asleep he felt like morning was nearing.
***
When Carl wakes early the next morning, he’s confused as to why he feels so comfortable. Everything is soft, and he’s overly warm. He’s quite sure he might be dreaming still, so he lays there for a moment and enjoys it. He runs his feet over the sheets, relishing in the most comfort he’s felt in some time.
“Quit it, kid, you’re so damn’ fidgety .” A sleep drunk voice mumbles from behind him. It’s Negan. His voice sounds different in the morning, all full of heaviness and it’s scratchy. Negans arm is around him and the man is behind him, holding Carl to him as tight as he can.
Judging by the darkness coming from the window it’s still very early morning- too early to be awake. He feels Negans arm still slung protectively around his waist still, feels his breath on the back of his neck, and the warmth that can only mean that he’s tangled up with something- some one to be more exact.
He starts to move, but the arm that’s slung around his waist moves up to his chest and puts him in a hold so tight that he couldn’t get away if he tried. He's being pulled flushed to Negan now, can feel the man’s skin on every inch of his back, and Negan let’s out somewhat of a sigh as he burrows himself into the back of Carls neck.
He feels warmth on his shoulder, a breath ghosting over him. And then out of nowhere Negan bites him quickly, sharp canines digging into the sensitive skin, like a warning. Not enough to hurt necessarily but enough to make him jump a little. It makes him push back into Negan because there's nowhere else to go, which he belatedly realizes was the man’s intention.
“Stop. I don’t let anyone sleep in this bed. So do not make me regret makin’ you the first. Just sleep.” Negan mumbles out tiredly but also firmly at the same time.
The weight of Negan against him and the hold the man has on him prove to be almost intoxicating like a drug that he didn’t know he wanted or needed. It was so nice to be held. To feel that reassuring, constant weight of another who was so fiercely protective of him against him constantly.
Safe. He feels safe.
Negan had introduced him to a lot of things. And sex was nice- sex was great. But this, this was nice too.
The arm that’s around him tightens impossibly more, and he finds he doesn’t even mind it one bit. The mans leg moves to slot between his own, and Negan is full on cuddling him, and it’s both parts equally ridiculous and kind of frightening.
Carl brings his hand up to rest over Negans and without meaning to he lets out a little huff of contentment. He feels Negans breath in his ear, and he’s worried for a second that the man is going to tell him off again for moving so much. But all Negan does is kiss his ear, and bite at him a little.
“There you go.” Negan says softly to him. “Now, is letting me hold you so bad?”
Despite everything Carl feels himself shaking his head and relaxing impossibly more into him. Negan kisses him on the temple.
“Sleep, sweet boy. I got you.”
As he drifts off again he can’t help but be a little worried still over the fact that he has stayed all night, and that his dad is probably worried about his sudden disappearance. But then he vaguely wonders if Rick even knows he’s gone. Honestly, he probably has no idea at all, and so Carl decides to just enjoy the time he has with Negan and deal with the consequences (if any) later.
***
When they both come to a little bit later the sun is out finally, and Carl doesn’t want to leave the warmth and comfort of being wrapped up with the man. He’s happy. He turns in Negans arms and he looks up at him from under his wild mess of hair and gives him just the smallest grin.
“Thank you.” He says very softly, his eye not leaving Negan, who doesn’t say anything for a moment.
“What are you doin’ to me, kid?” Negans finally asks softly, to no one in particular.
He brings a hand up to Carls face just as he had the night before and this time Carl is only relaxed, sated, and doesn't move away from his touch. And Negan feels some small thrill of victory move through him at that fact. That he tamed him in some way, comforted him enough that now Carl feels just a little safer with him.
Not much later Carls standing in front of the mirror on the dresser, putting on a new bandage. He feels Negan against his back, the man’s arms surrounding him. He looks in the mirror at him, as Negan brushes some hair off his shoulder and goes to kiss his neck.
“Can we talk? Bout last night?”
Carls eye meets his in the mirror. “What’s there to talk about?”
Negan makes a face at him and shakes his head. “You. There’s you to talk about. I need to know what’s been keepin’ you up at night.”
Carl shrugs. “It’s the end of the world. What isn't keeping me up at night?”
Negan rolls his eyes at him. “That’s a cop out. You stopped being afraid of anything dead a long time ago, I know that.” His lips go to Carls shoulder, where he had bitten him this morning. “No, this is some one keeping you up. Not some thing. Who hurt you, Carl?” Negan asks the last part very softly, like he knows he’s trekking into a field of landmines, and he meets Carls eye in the mirror.
Carl shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter. They’re dead.”
Negans hands go to Carls waist and he turns him around forcefully so that the boy is facing him now. The man’s hands go on either side of the dresser and force Carl in place.
“Carl.” He says firmly, threateningly. But as he says it a desperate, sad, pleading look comes over him.
“Please don’t, Negan.” Carl says in a broken whisper. “Don’t.” Don't make me say it, is what he’s saying really, loud and clear.
And in that moment Negan understands, judging by the hurt that’s running through his voice. Realization washes over him and he almost falls over at it. He nods, and puts a hand on the back of Carl's head as pulls him towards him in a fierce grip.
“No one’s ever gonna lay another finger on you, again. I promise, okay kid? You’re mine now. You’re safe.” He feels Carl nod against him. His hands go to Carls face, and he pulls back, holding him in place and making the kid look at him.
“Not now. But when you’re ready. You’re going to talk about it. Okay?”
Carl looks confused, looks like he doesn’t understand why he’d want to talk about it, but he nods anyway.
Belatedly, Carl realizes that Negan asking to talk to him was exactly one more time than his dad had talked to him.
***
Later that day Carls sitting on the top of the pergola with Enid, reading a comic book that Negan had given to him, when he feels a chill run through him and he sneezes. Immediately, his throat feels scratchy. He hadn’t been sick in years, not since well before the end of the world, and he didn’t like the idea of being sick in the apocalypse. Maybe he’d run himself down too much, and he just needed a good nights sleep. Well, another good nights sleep since he had slept pretty solidly with Negan.
When his dad and Michonne walk by a little while later and Rick just waves and nods at him, Carl's surprised by the little sting that hits him. Rick truly had no idea he had been gone all night and into the morning.
His hand subconsciously goes to the mark on the back of his neck that Negan had left this morning, and he pushes a little on it to feel a sting of a different kind.
The guilt that Carl usually feels over his traitorous visits lessens just a little.
“You’re safe.” Are the words that he hears now when he thinks of Negan, and it’s such a stark contrast to what his dad had told him all those years ago in that church.