Chapter Text
Choke,
Tried to wash you down with something strong
-
Dear Chuuya,
It's me, Dazai.
I guess I should start by saying I don’t want to write this.
Odasaku told me that sometimes writing your feelings can help get rid of them. Not that I have any feelings for you other than annoyance.
And exasperation.
And loathing.
Maybe it’s something else. Something more. I can’t decide. Anyways, it’s not like you're going to read these. I could say whatever I wanted. Perhaps I will.
When I met you, you astounded me. It’s been a year and a half yet you’re as unpredictable as ever. I wonder if you’ll ever make sense to me. Your humanity is so blinding it's like I can't see. Yet you’re the one who’s not human. I wonder why fate handed us these cards. Will we ever be free?
Sorry Chuuya, that was depressing.
I think you mean more to me than I know. Odasaku told me so. Hey, that rhymed.
I wonder if you’ll ever know how I feel. It’s hard keeping it down. Sometimes I think it’ll all bubble up to the surface and it terrifies me. Maybe you already know? I can’t tell if that’s better or worse. Being with you hurts. Not in a nice way. Not in a way that helps me forget. It doesn’t numb the outside noise. It makes it stronger. It makes everything stronger. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever known before.
I hate it.
But I can’t stop.
You’re like a drug Chuuya.
I know it’s the worst kind of cliché but it’s true.
Your smile, your laugh, your yells, your brazen attitude, your filthy mouth. All of it. It sickens me. I feel like my heart might jump out at any moment. I don’t see how people deal with whatever this is.
If anyone else could understand it.
Could you understand it?
Could you understand me?
I don’t like this. I don't like writing to you.
Don't take it personally. It's just that it doesn’t make these feelings go away.
I don’t know what Odasaku was talking about.
I guess I’ll have to deal with this another way.
Another way that doesn’t make me hurt
I’m sorry Chuuya, I shouldn’t subject you to my thoughts.
I’m sorry in general.
Your partner
Your friend
Best regards,
Dazai Osamu