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pat has never felt whole.
his body is a hollow shell filled with gibberish and what one would think a normal person's thoughts are.
he realized he felt that way for a long time now, but it took him four years to admit it to himself.
he goes to university. he chatters with his friends. he plays football after class. he eats dinner with his mom, dad, and paa.
even then, when he looked back at the days he spent doing the same thing over and over again, it was normal. what else was a 19 year old supposed to do? he had everything he needed.
but now, he couldn't even fathom how he had spent those four years and made it out alive. he knew there was something missing, though he couldn't put his finger on it.
whenever he opened his closet, or when he would catch his eyes lingering over the house next to them at dinner, he would feel the slight tug on his chest. those were the times when his mom's cooking would seem off and his family's chatter fades into nothing but noise he wants to block out.
when he played football, he would feel the sweat dripping down his forehead and his limbs tearing apart slowly. he remembered how he told himself to just kick the ball into the net and get it over with.
when he drank with his friends, all he could think of was what to do when they all got wasted by the end of the night and how he would spend the rest at his dorm, alone.
and the cycle went on.
pat realized it when he heard that pran was back in town, back to live next to him.
pran was back, the kid he hated with all his guts. the almighty good kid who saved paa and who everyone praised. the kid who played guitar. the kid his family told him to stay away from.
it was a new feeling. it was a thrill. back then, he thought it was the hatred and insecurity that he had buried deep in his heart coming back to life.
it wasn't, though.
it was the opposite of thrill. he felt calm. his heart was beating to a new, solemn rhythm. he felt relieved.
when he saw pran that day in the parking lot, the scorching heat of the sun and the exhaustion he felt from chasing wai had slowly crawled out of his body until he felt like he had not moved an inch at all.
it was odd. it was a new emotion, however familiar. maybe, he hadn't felt it for a really long time.
he hadn't felt it since pran moved to another place, since pran left.
the days leading up to his slow realization were different sights but had similar subjects. pran was in all of them. he was in every moment that pat realized he felt calm.
the day he returned pran's guitar, the day he smelled pran's mom's cooking, the day pran cried at the rooftop, until the day in the beach. it was all too vivid in his mind. those small hints of realization that he felt he found what he was looking for.
pran has made pat feel whole.
the feeling he had been seeking and longing for was pran. with pran, he is complete. he is himself. it was the kind of feeling his family or friends could not even give him.
looking back, when pran returned, every single day he lived didn't feel like a routine anymore or a performance to the world that says "hey, i've got my shit together." each day was a day he spent knowing pran is there, and all is okay. he didn't feel like a hollow shell anymore.
he felt human.
as pran comes through the door, coming home from work, pat welcomes and wraps him in an embrace. truly, pran is the missing puzzle piece.
"what's gotten into you? your hug feels warmer today." pran chuckles.
"let's eat. i brought some noodles."