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charlie spring was okay. he promised that to everyone every day for as long as he could remember. whether his fingers were crossed or not, no one needed to know. he was okay when he came home for the first time with a black eye, chants of “sausage jockey” and “faggot” screaming in the back of his head. he was okay the first time he desperately dug around his bathroom drawers for something to stop the blood that was quickly staining the porcelain sink red. he was okay when he passed out in pe and politely declined the digestives that his teacher tried to force down his throat. he was completely okay.
“are you okay char?”
charlie blinked, and looked up at nick from his cubby he’d built himself in the corner of the sofa.
he smiled at his boyfriend, “yeah i’m okay.”
nick’s brows furrowed with concern, “you sure?”
“yeah, i promise.”
nick sighed. it was a saturday, the first weekend after mock exams had started, and they had met up in hopes to relieve the stress that school had been putting on them both. to do something normal, something fun. however, rain pelted on the windows of the lounge incessantly.
they were meant to meet at charlie’s and then walk nellie, the forecast had been a glorious 13 degrees for the afternoon- but yet british weather, full of surprises. nick looked out the window and stared at the rain for a moment, contemplative.
“we could just wear raincoats and bring an umbrella maybe?” he suggested.
charlie slowly sat up, and turned to look out the window too. nellie whined from where she was curled up next to him on the sofa.
he smiled feebly, “not sure if nellie likes that suggestion much.”
nick huffed and looked at the other boy, “she’ll be fine, won’t you nellie?” he scratched behind her ears. they both watched as her tail slowly thumped against the sofa at the affection.
nick looked at charlie again, and rose his eyebrows. charlie huffed, “fine, coats are under the stairs, i’ll go get the umbrella from the garage.”
nick grinned, and went towards the stairs.
nick nelson was worried about charlie. whilst he loved his boyfriend to bits, and trusted him with his whole heart, he couldn’t believe him when he said he was okay. he imagined it was what his mum felt like, when he swore he was fine after the fight with harry- a built in lie detector for those you care about the most. every time charlie got like this, there was always a constant anxiety in the back of nick’s head, dreading what could happen next. because no matter how many times nick asked, charlie always promised he was okay.
it wasn’t always like this though. when things first started getting bad again, charlie would talk to nick. he would try to explain why, and nick would always listen, even if it made no sense to either of them. nick would always be there to distract charlie after lunch, he would be there to hold charlie’s hand when the self harm urges got bad, and he pull the boy into his arms if he wasn’t enough to make them go away.
but now charlie was nowhere to be seen at lunch, always clad in long sleeves and constant dried blood under his brittle fingernails.
nick didn’t know what to do.
charlie’s mental health team had recommended another inpatient referral, and at first charlie refused- the idea had terrified him completely, especially because they were suggesting a specialist eating disorders unit this time. nick and charlie’s parents told him
to consider it, they didn’t have to decide straight away. but even when charlie agreed to the referral, nothing changed.
“we’re sorry charlie, but the admission request was declined.”
he remembers being on the phone to charlie that night, promising him that he was ill, and he wasn’t making it up. they just didn’t have any beds available and it wasn’t because he wasn’t ‘bad’ enough.
“come on nellie, let’s get you on the lead huh?” nick smiled down at his dog, zipping up the waterproof he found under the stairs. charlie appeared round the corner, holding a hot pink umbrella.
“uh i think my mum has the other one.” he said sheepishly, nick laughed, and handed him a coat.
“very retro, i love it.” he winked at charlie, taking note of the way his cheeks turned into a cute blush.
seeing charlie smile was the one thing that nick looked forwards to the most every day- especially now. if he could get even a measly quirk of the corners of his mouth out of the other boy, nick’s heart would swell with joy, with hope. but even now, as charlie gave him a small smile in return to his own, the usual glee he got from it didn’t appear, instead a further sense of dread was replacing it. charlie’s smiles never really reached his eyes nowadays.
“are you two going out?”
nick let out a near-squawk of surprise, and turned to face tori, where she stood at the bottom of the stairs, face blank (as per).
charlie spoke first, “yeah we’re gonna walk nellie.”
her eyebrows shot up, questioning, “in weather like this? okay.”
nick smiled at her, “you’re welcome to come if you’d like?” he offered feebly.
“no thanks, but be home for dinner charlie, it’s sausage and mash.”
charlie sniffed, and gave her a short nod in reply, then quickly turned to the front door and pulled it open, “see you later tori.”
“home for dinner, charlie.” she called out behind him, and began walking back up the stairs.
nick waved as she disappeared around the corner, and then turned to charlie where he stood out on the front porch, watching the rain silently fall at his feet.
“come on, let’s go to the woods.” nick offered, and grabbed charlie’s cold hand in his, decidedly ignoring how hard it was shaking.
they walked mostly in silence, nick attempting to start up any kind of conversation about exams, his friends, or well, anything at all. after several failed attempts where all charlie gave his response was a distant hum, nick sighed, and spent the rest of the walk watching nellie chasing the birds through the bushes.
when they got home, charlie’s mum’s car was in the drive way. he felt charlie stiffen next to him.
“you okay?” nick asked.
“yeah, just cold.”
nick searched his boyfriend’s face intently, looking for the lie in his answer. he knew things between charlie and his mum could get really tense when he was struggling. charlie’s mum struggled to understand that he really was trying, even if he was seemingly getting worse by the day. it lead to a lot of 2am phone calls between him and nick.
“hey, it’s gonna be okay yeah? i’ll phone you after dinner if you’d like?” nick offered, pulling charlie into a slightly soggy hug as the rain continued to fall around them.
charlie sniffed, “yeah, i think i’d like that, thanks.”
nick’s heart suddenly began to hurt, “i love you charlie, okay? no matter what.”
there was a silence, and nick began to feel charlie shame against him, “i love you too, nick.” he finally answered, voice wobbling.”
nick pulled back to look into his boyfriends glassy eyes, “it’s all gonna be okay, char. i promise.”
charlie blinked, and looked off to the side, “yeah.”
nellie suddenly whined at their feet, and they both looked down at the wet dog, who was shaking harder than charlie was.
“she looks freezing, maybe you should take her home now.” charlie’s voice was suddenly cold and short, he pulled himself out of nicks arms and leant down to pet nellie’s head.
nick cleared his through, feeling awkward at the tone of charlie’s voice, “uh, yeah, i’ll uh, i’ll get going now.”
charlie stood up straight, and placed a short peck on nicks lips, and set off towards his house, uttering a quiet ‘bye’ without looking back at him.
nick sighed, and rubbed a hand over his face. nellie whined again at his feet.
“it’s gonna be okay.” he said again. but this time, he said it for himself.
“everything’s gonna be okay.”