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The Doctor pushed the lever on the TARDIS console for the fifth time that day, her exasperation turning into disbelief as the time ship refused to take off yet again. It was the third day in a row stuck in the same place. Not only that, but absolutely nothing was going on outside. Not monsters, nor deadly aliens, nor greedy humans. No near death experience at every corner, just mountains and valleys, very uneventful and dull mountains and valleys. The Doctor was bored out of her mind.
She had spent the previous day trying to fix the ship, but after going through every inch of the fifth dimensional circuit a few times, she found nothing wrong. Eventually Dan gave up trying to make her stop and left for bed. She fell asleep on top of the console of the TARDIS, walking up barely an hour later with a sore neck and a terrible mood.
She was in the middle of putting back together a complex circuit when she heard a loud yell coming from somewhere inside the TARDIS. She ran towards the sound, half-annoyed half-relieved something was distracting her from the task. She followed the loud noise down the long hallways, the faint noise growing louder. She soon identified Dan’s voice as the source as she got closer. She got close enough to understand what he was saying, freezing mid-step right in front of the bathroom door as she realized she was hearing Dan swear for the first time ever.
Dan opened the door, finding her frozen in place about to knock with an surprised look on her face. He was wearing just a towel, shivering violently, and his hair was full of droplets of ice. The look on his face was a mix of shock, surprise, annoyance, and oddly enough, amusement.
“Doctor, do you happen to know why the water got so bloody cold it turned into a smoothie in my hair?” Dan asked, with a look on his face that clearly showed he already knew she was the source of the incident.
The Doctor smiled at him apologetically, scratching her head while wildly gesturing with her other hand. “Sorry, so sorry Dan! I was trying to manually bypass the ship’s take-off circuit, I must have mixed up the temporal circuit and the temperature regulation system” she replied, cautiously stepping into the bathroom. The water had frozen inside the shower head, and the whole floor was full of little droplets of ice. She turned around, exiting the bathroom at the speed of light while she mumbled to herself. She paced in front of the bathroom door for a minute, finally coming up with a solution for their water supply problem. She headed straight towards the console room, barely remembering to address Dan as her voice faded down the hallway. “Will fix it in a jiffy… I wouldn’t shower anytime soon if I were you, just in case!” she yelled, not even sparing a final glance his way.
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Dan found her sitting on the floor of the console room just half an hour after the shower incident. She was mumbling to herself again, lost in thought, gesturing wildly at nothing in particular.
The Time Lord suddenly jumped from the floor with a eureka look on her face, walking straight towards a panel on the right end of the room, not even sparing a glance towards Dan’s direction. She started to fiddle with golden coloured wires, small electric sounds being the only source of noise in the quiet room. Dan took a deep breath and approached the Doctor, clearing his throat when she didn’t register his presence after almost a minute of standing right next to her.
“Sorry Dan, didn’t see you there. Warmer yet? Your skin looks nice, cold is good for your skin” she exclaimed with a forced smile, her hands still pulling and tearing cables apart from the wall.
It had been like that for a while. After their adventure with the sea devils, something had shifted between Yaz and The Doctor. Dan had briefly talked about it with Yaz, who confirmed they had talked, but was quite cryptic on the details.
“She’s just not available, Dan. It doesn’t matter how either of us feels… it is what it is. We’re friends who care about each other.”
The first weeks after that conversation were interesting, to say the least. Dan had observed their interactions closely, with a high number of sighs and raised eyebrows involved. The Doctor was more protective with Yaz than ever, physical contact being more frequent between the two. But sometimes she’d close off and act detached, deflecting when she was asked about it. Yaz was left between having the blonde close to her and tiptoeing around her, her face showing a wide range of conflicting feelings like an open book.
During one of their latest adventures, he perceived a major shift in the dynamic between both travellers. Dan was stuck in a cage for a good part of their adventure, so he didn’t know the specifics of what happened, and Yaz refused to talk to him about it. Since then, the Time Lord’s deflecting tendencies had increased tenfold, always too busy planning their next adventure to talk about anything else. She would always be occupied with something, anything really, which made it really hard for them to talk to her. Not that she didn’t do it before, it just went from something occasional to an almost permanent occurrence.
Dan took another deep breath, grounding himself before approaching The Doctor and putting a hand on her forearm. Her motions went to an immediate halt, her gaze shifting towards their touching limbs in confusion and surprise. Dan never initiated physical contact with her as a general rule. He stared at her before he spoke, well knowing she wouldn’t reciprocate.
“Doctor, I know you’re worried about the ship, and that you’re doing everything in your power to fix it. And yet, I have the feeling deep down you already know there’s nothing wrong with it. Why are you spending so much time and energy trying to repair something when you know there’s nothing to fix in the first place?” Dan inquired, slowly squeezing the doctor’s arm with his fingers. He closed his eyes for a second, releasing the air as he spoke again. “Why not spend your time and energy in things than can be fixed?” he added, slowly pulling his hand away from The Doctor’s arm.
The Doctor turned her head away from Dan, playing with a wire in her hands. “Dan, I don’t kn—”
“Don’t even dare and say again you don’t know what I’m talking about, Doctor.” Dan exclaimed, keeping his voice stern but calm. He tried to convey as much meaning as he could to his next words without raising his voice. “You can’t keep pretending forever. Time isn’t the only thing that’s going to catch up with you, Doctor. Your actions also will. And you’re pushing away the one person who’s willing to go through all of it with you.”
He made a small pause, slowly turning his head towards the Time Lord. His face slowly shifted, disappointment all over his features. “You’ve been so busy running away you haven’t even noticed Yaz hasn’t been around for two days” he finished.
Dan couldn’t remember the last time he had witnessed the time traveller standing still for so long. The only sound in the room were their desynchronized breaths, only interrupted by the occasional sparks from the mess of wires on the wall. After what felt like an eternity, The Doctor finally raised her head, not quite looking at Dan’s direction, her face only partially visible behind her blonde hair. She closed her eyes before speaking, barely a whisper coming from a woman who usually yelled more than spoke. “Where is she?” she asked, slowly turning towards him. Her eyes shone in the dim light of the room, a million feelings flickering through them like a devastating parade. Dan had never seen her so defeated, not even when their life was in danger.
“She’s been watching the sunset from the top of the valley every day. She should already be there” Dan replied, a comforting smile on his face. “Just follow the path in front of the TARDIS for around five minutes, until you reach a corner with a cliff on the left.”
The Doctor nodded in acknowledgment, a wordless thank you in her stormy eyes. Dan gave her a last encouraging smile and turned around, leaving the shaken Time Lord to her thoughts.
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The sun was already setting when The Doctor finally spotted Yaz. She was sitting down on the floor with her back leaning against a rock, her eyes reflecting the last rays of sunshine in a display of gold and brown. She looked at ease, a small smile on her lips, eyes slightly crinkled to protect her from the deeming sunlight. The Doctor hadn’t seen Yaz looking so calm since the fireworks in New Years.
She hesitated, not wanting to disturb the peaceful moment before her. It was such a small scene, just a grain of sand in the desert that was her existence, and yet it was a perfect metaphor of what her life had become. The Doctor always came barging in, altering the peaceful lives of those around her, a hurricane that destroyed everything on her way. She entered people’s lives without knocking and left leaving a devastating scene behind.
It was then and there when she finally identified one of the feelings she’d been running away from those last months. Guilt washed over her, revisiting all the people she had failed over the years.
That guilt always accompanied her, no matter what. She carried it like oxygen, an essential part of herself, never leaving her. But this guilt was different, it was something else, something more. It was the realization that, no matter what she did, Yaz would never be the same. Her life would be altered forever, and there was no turning back from it. She could have done something to prevent it, but she didn’t. And now it was too late.
This was the first time the Time Lord had felt it so clearly beforehand. Usually it was a last minute occurrence, when everything went south in front of her and one of her companions suffered for it.
She closed her eyes and tried to compose herself. She owed Yaz so much, more than she could ever provide. But she could give her something she had been denying her for months… her honesty.
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The Blonde approached Yaz with her hands on her pockets, still staring at the horizon. The sun was setting in the Pyrenees, a colourful display in view. White clouds adorned the sky, turning purple and violet as the light dimmed.
She sat down next to Yaz, far enough to give her space. The Time Lord was leaning forward, her elbows resting on top of her knees, while Yaz was leaning backwards, her eyes fixed in the landscape before her. They stayed like that for a minute, enjoying the shifting colours of the sky. The blonde was caught off guard when Yaz suddenly started to speak.
“When I was twelve, my ma got a job in the south of France during the summer” Yaz started. “We came to visit every chance we got, and we’d travel every weekend, visiting a new place each time. In one of my favourite trips, we came here. It was the middle of August, and the whole area was packed with tourists. When we got to the middle of the valley, Sonya started to whine. She was bored, and she wanted to go back. I really wanted to reach the top and watch the sunset, but I didn’t get the chance. I got quite upset, making a whole scene surrounded by strangers. Realistically, even if we made it to the top we wouldn’t have been able to watch it anyway, I know that now” Yaz added, a small laugh escaping her lips. “But I was a stubborn child, and for a long time, I kept this idea in my head, that someday I would come back and make that wish come true.”
“So the TARDIS didn’t bring us here by mistake, that was you?” the blonde asked, gears turning.
“In a way. A few months ago I was talking to Dan about which places we would like to visit on Earth we never got the chance to see. I mentioned this place, how it would be incredible to visit this part of the Pyrenees before hiking was trendy, just nature and silence surrounding us. The TARDIS must have overheard.”
“Very typical of her, sneaky girl” The Doctor pointed out, both women smiling at the TARDIS’ antiques.
The Doctor furrowed her brow, a pensive look in her tired face. “Why now? If you mentioned it months ago, why did it bring us here now?” The Doctor asked, slowly raising her head from Yaz’s shoulder to observe the other woman’s expression.
Yaz refused to meet her eye, her lips pursing while her eyes closed. She felt the brown eyed woman’s hand tighten around her own thighs, right before letting them go and crossing her arms in a protective gesture.
“When I first started to travel with you I was so excited to travel with you I took your word for it in every situation. But as time went by, I started noticing more things, I wanted to know what was going on, to understand why I had to do what you commanded. After the flux, I thought we’d finally fixed that, you told me you’d let me in, and I was so relieved. It took me a while to realize why I felt so rejected by being kept in the dark. It was actually Dan who pushed me to realize that…” Yaz closed her eyes, taking a few second to regain her composure. “…that I wanted to be more than your friend. It took so long for me to admit to myself, and I was so lost, so afraid. Dan kept nudging me to tell you, but I… I didn’t know how” she finished, her voice barely a high pitched whisper by the end of it.
Yaz tightened the grip around her own arms, her brow furrowed deep in thought. “You left me dumbstruck when you told me out of the blue that you’d date me. I don’t know what left me more speechless, learning that my feelings were reciprocated, the nonchalance you exhibited while telling me about it, or realizing you weren’t going to act on it. Talk about having a lot to process” Yaz added, raising her left eyebrow as she released a small sigh. “You’re definitely one of a kind, doctor. And… I know you probably imagined most of what I just said to you. I just wanted to be the one to say it out loud, not only for you, but for myself.”
Yaz slightly pushed herself upwards, resting her elbows on her legs, mirroring the blonde’s posture. “The time we’ve spent together after almost dying in a pirate ship… it’s given me a lot to think about. I don’t know if you were always so protective with me or not, but now… the way you worry about me whenever we’re in the middle of an adventure is almost palpable. The panic in your eyes when I’m in danger… it’s different now. It warms me and it’s bittersweet, I can feel your conflicting emotions as intensely as my own” Yaz said, her voice slightly trembling as she risked a glance towards The Doctor.
The blonde felt the other woman’s gaze fixed on her, resisting the urge to turn around as to not interrupt Yaz’s train of thought. She hesitantly rested her palm against the younger woman’s thigh, squeezing it lightly. She owed it to Yaz, to listen to her until the end, so she pushed down her urge to talk yet again, agonizing seconds ticking by so slowly the blonde could feel them dragging through her bones.
“About a week ago, when we visited the jungle with the giant animals… you needed that generator working to close the electrical fence, our lives depended on it, and I tripped on my way to you and almost killed us both. And I knew then, and I know now, how urgent the situation was. And you’ve snapped at me many times, but there was something different about it. On the surface it looked like your usual impatient self being in charge in a life or death situation, but for some reason it hit differently that time. No matter how much I’ve tried to rationalize it, it shook me to my core. I felt pushed away all over again, and I what I saw in your eyes scared me. For a second I didn’t recognize The Doctor I met all those years ago, dressed in oversized men’s clothes and mumbling about being a Scotsman.”
Yaz made a small pause, her gaze lingering in the valley below them. “I’m in my twenties and I everything I’ve been through already feels like too much to handle. I’ve tried picturing how it must be for you, having lived through so many human life spans, everything you must have experienced, felt, and lost. There’s so much I don’t know about you, so much I will never know. Sometimes I can see your past haunting you, a dark shadow behind your eyes, the way your eyes shine with danger when you get angry. And I’m as curious about it as it scares me to think what might have caused it.”
Yaz inhaled sharply, releasing a slow sigh before continuing. “This whole situation, it brings up so many feelings in me it’s taken a while for me to identify them. Jealous, that some people got to see those parts of you that you don’t share anymore. Hurt, when I feel we’re in sync and comfortable around each other and you suddenly pull away. Powerless, watching you struggle and not being able to help you through it. Pity, from all the pain you’ve endured and the consequences it’s brought. Insecure, that you’re so experienced and you’ve lived so much I don’t really have much to offer to you. Sad, that no matter what we do I’m doomed to lose you at some point either way. And I know I should just, resign myself to it and let go. Because right now, as much as I enjoy your company, as much as you mean the world to me… I’m living in a low grade heart ache that will inevitably end up in a heartbreak for both of us. On paper it doesn’t make any sense to prolong the inevitable. I just… don’t know how to let you go.”
Yaz took a second to compose herself, silent tears running down her cheeks.
The Time Lord took the younger woman’s hand between her own and squeezed hard, trying to convey everything those words were making her feel. A part of her was trying to shut the emotional gates as some of her deepest fears and insecurities threatened to spill. Her feelings were at war inside her and the intensity of them didn’t let her process any of it. She struggled for minutes, trying to come up with something honest and reassuring she could tell Yaz to placate the other woman. There was so much she could say, but very little comfort she could provide. And yet, it surprised her to notice she didn’t feel like the younger woman demanded an answer from her. Yaz just stated facts that hit her like a ton of bricks, leaving her exposed and vulnerable, without expecting anything in return. She took one last deep breath and tried focus on a single idea that would allow her to express at least a fraction of everything she was feeling. She raised her head, finally starting to speak.
“When I meet new people, everyone focuses on the thrill of new planets, adventures, the universe. It’s all different galaxies, and eras, the thrill of almost dying three times a week, laughs and joy, confusion and action. But eventually people start to see beyond the façade. My past slips through the cracks, and it grows bigger and bigger until it’s impossible to ignore. I’ve been confronted about it, and I don’t react to well to it, as you know by experience. Being aware of it doesn’t make it any easier. Eventually people leave me, or I lose them, and it’s new people who focus on the good parts, a new thrilling adventure at every corner. And the cycle begins, yet again.”
She paused for a beat, gathering her thoughts. “This is the first time in a long that that someone sees all of me, even while being in the dark about so much of my past. The good and the bad, without judgement or resentment, just acknowledgement of my whole self. And as much as I hate having to face it, a part of me is relieved, to finally be seen for everything I am, not just the goofy, or the sombre. And that’s one of the reasons why you’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever known” The Doctor adds, echoing her own words from weeks ago while gently brushing her thumbs over the top of Yaz’s hand still in her grasp. “For what is worth, I meant it when I said I wanted to tell you everything. But it’s hard to explain who I was, and who I’ve been, because even if I’m not those people anymore, they’re still a big part of who I’ve become. All those previous reincarnations, the friends and enemies that I’ve made along the way, have shaped me for millennia. I’m so old it’s impossible for you to fully understand how old I really am. It’s like reading a brand new copy of a book that was originally written a thousand years ago. It’s been translated and edited hundreds of times, and what you’re reading now it’s such an altered copy of the original you can barely tell it’s the same book. It has the same essence that makes it what it is, but that’s where the resemblances stop.”
The Doctor could feel Yaz’s presence next to her, her full attention focused on every word, absorbing every bit of information she was offering. She could tell the brown eyed woman was waiting for her to elaborate, giving her time to sort her thoughts. The perceptive nature of Yaz’s actions never ceased to amaze her. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to gather the courage to fulfil the promise she’d made to herself and share as much as she could with Yaz.
She wanted to keep talking, but there was so much to say she didn’t know which points to address. First, she needed Yaz to understand the core of what made her become who she was. “I still want to share more of my past with you. It’s just… I’ve been keeping everything for myself for so long that it’s second nature to push it all away and keep going. I don’t even know where to begin unpacking all of my past.”
She finally let go of Yaz’s hands, rubbing her face in a tired motion. “I’m always rushing from one adventure to another, often not stopping for long enough to fully enjoy the places I visit.” She started, slowly leaning backwards while her hands mindlessly played with the hem of her t-shirt. “I’ve travelled to so many planets and time periods, I have no words to describe some of the many marvellous things I’ve seen, and yet I keep missing out on so much because I’m too occupied running from myself. I tell myself that I’m saving the world, that I have a responsibility. Sometimes I think I need the universe more than the universe actually needs me. Whether I want it or not, after so many years of time and space travel I’ve become a character from a fairy tale, someone people whisper about in every corner of the universe, and that’s something I cannot undo” she finished, her thoughts wandering in many different directions.
Yaz turned around to stare at her briefly, biting her lower lip. She finally leaned back, mirroring The Doctor’s posture lying against the rock. “You’re an unstoppable force, Doctor. You’re like a shooting star, something everyone admires but no one aspires to ever have. Like this beautiful sunset, you just don’t…
“…expect a sunset to admire you back” The Doctor whispered, a nostalgic look adorning her face. “Mi ego isn’t that big, it’s something someone told me once” She clarified. The doctor started playing with her fingers again, deeply lost in thought. It took her a second to realize she was fidgeting with an invisible ring that wasn’t there anymore.
“Was that someone… important to you?” Yaz asked, hesitantly.
“She was my wife. I guess technically speaking, one of my wives” she added, a little smirk on her lips as she turned her face to see Yaz’s eyes widen comically. “If we ever run into Queen Elizabeth again remind me to use a code name, she’s still resentful to this day. Although technically no time has passed for her I guess” she added, allowing herself to briefly smile at the thought. She could her Yaz’s faint laugh fade right next to her, the brief moment of humour dissipating into an emotionally charged atmosphere yet again.
“I haven’t allowed myself to think about my wife for a long time” she started, melancholy in her voice. She took a long breath, slowly recalling memories and evoking feelings she had been repressing for centuries. “Her name was River, River Song. Technically Melody Pond, but that’s a long story. She was a force to be reckoned with, such a brilliant and wicked mind. If you think I’m a lot to deal with you should’ve met her” The Doctor added with a laugh. “She would have tried to steal from you, hit on you, or both at the same time in the first 5 minutes of meeting you.”
Yaz laughed, clearly trying to picture this mysterious woman The Doctor was mentioning for the first time. The blonde could feel the burning questions she was dying to ask, and the hesitancy of someone who’s been denied way too many answers in the past. Yaz threw another cautious glance her way, and whatever she saw in the blonde’s face must have encouraged her to finally speak her mind.
“How long were you two together?”
“Hard to say. Many hundreds years on my end, somewhere around 200 years for her, give or take. Time traveller’s life makes it quite difficult to know for sure” the blonde replied, briefly smiling at Yaz’s surprised expression.
“Was she an alien too, then?”
“No! Yes. Not exactly” The Doctor stammered. “She was human, but had Time Lord DNA, so she could regenerate and her life span was extended. It’s a long story” she replied, making a brief pause before continuing. “I don’t mean that in a “I don’t want to tell you about it way”” she clarified, “It really is a long and convoluted story.”
“Any highlights to it?” Yaz asked.
The Doctor appreciated the way the younger woman’s questions gave her an opportunity to share as much as she wanted, as well as an out if she’d rather stop talking about it. She took a moment for herself, the deeply scarred part of her soul screaming at her to take the chance and change topics. She briefly fought against that instinct, knowing the chances of her opening up about this topic again were slim.
“Where do I start? She tried to kill me more than once, but also saved my life a bunch of times. Our marriage saved the universe from collapse. By the time I met her she had already been married to me for centuries. Despite me knowing her for just a few hours we still bickered like an old marriage. She died that same day, after handcuffing me to a pipe, saving my life in the process.”
“That’s… wow” Yaz exclaimed, her face a mixture of surprise, wonder and amusement. “It really does sound like a long story.” Yaz went silent for a while, her gaze wandering to the sky, admiring the first starts that had begun to appear. She could see the doubt in the younger woman’s features, the eagerness to ask mixed with the fear of scaring her off. The blonde hadn’t realized how much of an emotional ticking bomb she had become until that moment, always one question away from shutting people out. Despite trying to come out with something to say to reassure the brown eyed woman, she came up empty every time. She just hoped her silence was enough to let the other woman know she wasn’t closing off, at least not yet.
“What’s your favourite anecdote of the time you spent with her?” Yaz finally asked, a curious expression on her face.
The Doctor let her gaze wander off, surprised by the question. Talking about River always brought painful memories, it had been a while since she had let herself remember the good moments without letting the grief consume her. She took a few seconds to revisit those distant memories she had kept hidden for so long, an influx of moments and anecdotes invading her brain.
“The most shocking one was probably finding out the woman who had been travelling with me for years was my mother-in-law, River’s mother.” The Doctor smirked, remembering Amy’s feelings on the matter. “River always had the upper hand, always one step ahead of everyone. She was also very guarded, hiding her vulnerability behind a sassy attitude and a confident façade. I guess some of her bad habits rubbed on me after a while” she quickly added before she could stop herself. “There was this time where I had regenerated and she had never met me with that face before. I kept trying to tell her it was me, but she wouldn’t listen. She was stubborn like that, even more so than me, which is saying something. When things went south, she ended up yelling a very heart-breaking declaration of love in front of a bunch of people that were about to kill us. She didn’t realize I was right beside her until the end of her rant. I never let her live that down” She said, a bittersweet smile on her lips.
“I’ve never told anyone about River before, not like this” she added, closing her eyes to control her breathing. She could feel Yaz’s presence right next to her, close but not touching, a comforting presence soothing her erratic heart.
“Is she the reason why you keep to yourself so much?” Yaz asked under her breath.
“It has nothing and everything to do with her. My lifestyle… it’s not safe, Yaz. Every time I travel with someone, I risk hurting them. Allowing myself to love someone and then losing them as a consequence of my own actions… it’s a pain I can’t describe. It might seem like I run away from my feelings, and in a way, I do. But what I mostly escape from is the guilt that consumes me. All those people that lost their worlds, their memories, or even their own lives due to my actions. All those people I held close to my heart in one way or another, that I ended up failing in the end. I carry the weight of their memories with me, and that’s a burden that suffocates me. But even though I spent most of my time running away from my own pain and guilt, I owe it to them to never forget, so history doesn’t repeat itself.” The Doctor made a pause, unshed tears threatening to spill. “And yet I miserably failed at that, once again. I’ve let you down, and I can’t undo that. That’s also why I shut down after you almost died right in front of me while trying to fix that generator. The fear of losing someone I care about again overwhelmed me, it reminded me of all the previous times, and I pushed you away harder than ever. And I know it must sound like an exaggeration, but I’ve lost so many people, I—" The Doctor abruptly stopped herself, wondering how she could convey the harsh reality of her past so Yaz would understand.
“Before I met River, I had a travelling companion named Rose Tyler. She was human, one of the most fierce, sassy beings I’ve ever met. The two of us travelled alone, so we spent a lot of time together. I was young and naïve back then, not even a millennia old. We danced around each other a lot, hiding our feelings between jokes and teasing smiles. I regenerated halfway through our adventures, and that shifted our dynamic. It wasn’t worse, nor better, just different. It took a while to find our rhythm again, and by the time we did, by the time I started to realize the extent of my feelings for her… things went south. It’s a long story, as it’s always the case when I’m involved, but the point is, I had to let her go. No matter what I felt, no matter how deeply I cared, I realized that for a human, a life with me is not a way to live. Rose deserved someone she could grow old with, someone who’d settle alongside her and make her happy.”
The Doctor let her memories of Bad Wolf Bay take over, remembering everything that happened during those emotional moments. “I didn’t even get a chance to tell her I loved her, despite her already knowing it to be true as clear as a day. Because I knew that if I told her, she would leave everything behind to follow me around the universe. And I was terrified of it as much as I deeply hoped she would. But in the end, I realized that her happiness was more important to me than my own. And that meant that I would never be able to make an ordinary human happy, no matter how much I cared. That was the tipping point for me, that’s when I definitely closed off. Because what was the point in feeling, if acting on it would ruin the lives of those I cared about? ” The Doctor wondered out loud, her voice trembling.
“River… she was inevitable. I couldn’t defy what had already happened, as her past was my future. She died right in front of me before I even understood how important she would become, so I didn’t have to worry about hey dying, because she already had. The thought that whatever happened between River and me was already set in stone gave me comfort, the inevitability of it absolved me from the burden of having to make a decision. I didn’t have to worry about making her happy, because she had already lived through many moments with me and had accepted our relationship for what it was. I didn’t have to worry about betraying her, since she had already done so herself. I didn’t need to provide a future for her, since our timelines were out of synch and she never expected me to be anything but myself. So I just let it happen, for once in my life I let go of my reluctance and I fully embraced it, knowing the day I’d have to say goodbye to her would destroy me in a way I might never recover.”
A few treacherous tears fell from The Doctor’s eyes. Keeping them from flowing freely felt like an herculean task, her body desperately trying to let go.
She felt a hand on her thigh, not quite there yet, just a feather light touch that made her tense up. She felt the hand withdraw, and before she could second guess herself, she held it with her own, keeping it in place under her palm. They stayed like that for a while, the blonde trying to compose herself, holding onto Yaz’s hand like a lifeline.
The Doctor barely registered Yaz moving. She felt two fingers on her face, carefully touching her jaw. She followed the hand’s movement, slowly nudging her face upwards, until she found herself staring at Yaz. Tears flowed from the younger woman’s eyes, with so much empathy and feeling The Doctor started trembling from the effort it took to keep herself together, to not break under the weight of her pain.
“It’s okay, Doctor. It’s okay to let go” Yaz murmured, her palm softly caressing her cheek.
Tears started to fall down her cheeks, a part of her resisting to fully let go. She tilted her head toward Yaz’s shoulder, the other woman meeting her halfway. She felt Yaz’s palm rubbing on her back as their bodies slowly pressed together. The time traveller tensed up on reflex, the most primal side of her brain rebelling against the provided comfort. Yaz’s deft fingers tangled between her blonde locks, making the tension slowly dissipate from her stiff body. She finally relaxed into the embrace, fully surrounded by the comfort of Yaz’s touch and warmth.
The Doctor finally allowed herself, for the first time in centuries, to fully let go. She cried without holding back as she let her grief consume her and burn her from the inside out. She cried for every soul she didn’t manage to save, for all the companions who trusted her and were let down by her actions. She cried for her planet, the universe, and for those she would never be able to help. She shed all the tears she had been keeping down for millennia, carrying all the weight of her sorrow with them.
The blonde let herself be lulled by Yaz’s fingers delicately massaging her scalp, her sobs slowly subsiding. She was still holding onto the other woman’s hand for dear life, her grip never loosening. She intertwined their fingers together, becoming increasingly aware of her surroundings again. She allowed herself to be comforted by Yaz’s presence for a while longer, wondering when would be the next time she’d allow herself to be so vulnerable with someone again.
She slowly shifted her posture, turning around so the back of her head rested on the other woman’s shoulder. She avoided looking at Yaz as she did so, the rawness of her still lingering feelings being already too much to deal with. She couldn’t handle the intimacy and intensity of Yaz’s gaze, not yet. She rested her back on the other woman’s front, placing their entwined hands on top of her jacket. She mindlessly caressed the younger woman’s arm, trying to convey she was grateful for her presence and that she was still there, her urge to run away temporarily tamed. She looked up towards the sky, her glassy eyes reflecting the dim light of the stars. Night had fallen without her even realizing it.
She allowed herself to get lost in the beautiful celestial display, just enjoying the view and the company. Her gaze slowly shifted from one constellation to another, old memories resurfacing as her fingers trailed an invisible path through the sky.
“You see that star over there, the one with twin stars on the left side?” she asked, feeling Yaz’s head nod barely a couple of seconds later. “It has a small planet in its orbit full of Capybaras. It’s the only species on that planet, and it has the widest variety of them. More sizes, colours and shapes than you could ever imagine. I travelled there with Bill, the usual frenzy happened while we were there and we parted ways on accident. I was knocked out for days, woke up with a splitting headache and the terrible realization that I didn’t know where Bill was. She got lost in the middle of a jungle for days! I spent hours looking for her, turned out a Capybara group had adopted her as their own after she saved the life of one of the babies. She looked so happy, three baby capybaras napping on her lap while an adventurous fourth tried to climb up her head.”
She felt Yaz’s chest body vibrate against her own in amusement, both of them letting the moment linger as they continued to stargaze.
“Was Bill a travelling friend or another wife?” Yaz asked with a teasing tone.
The Doctor laughed at the comment, memories of Bill filling her consciousness. “Nah, I wasn’t really her type, at least back then. She had a crush on the TARDIS” The Doctor replied, Yaz’s laugh echoing in her right ear.
“I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not” Yaz commented.
“Well, I was a man back then, I do wonder if she’d fancy me now” The Doctor wondered, a pensive look on her face.
Yaz went completely still beside her, the soft breathing that grazed the blonde’s neck halting for several seconds. “Was she… you know…”
“Gay?” the Time Lord replied, turning her head upwards in Yaz’s direction. “The proudest lesbian I’ve ever met.”
Yaz refused to meet her eye, so the blonde turned her head back to her original position. She gave the other woman time to gather her thoughts, enjoying the warmth she provided in the meantime.
“You’re so…” Yaz started, inhaling sharply before continuing. “…casual, about all this.”
“You mean, sexuality?”
“Yeah, I guess” Yaz stammered.
“As you know, people in my planet regenerate several times during their life spans, often between different genders. You could be a man married to a woman, and in the next regeneration cycle, be in a same sex relationship, or even swap genders. So that was never an issue in Gallifrey, it’s not something we ever stopped to think about. I do know you humans experience it quite differently. I was shocked when I found out people in your planet had exclusive attraction for a single gender their whole lives, I thought they were trying to tease me the first time someone told me about it. Can you imagine? Well of course you can, pointless question” The Doctor replied before Yaz could process what she was saying.
“Have you ever… been with a man? While you were a man, I mean” Yaz asked under her breath.
“As far as humans go, I seem to have clicked more with women so far, but not exclusively. Remember when Graham told us about meeting Jack Harkness?” The Doctor asked.
“Yeah, he said this cheeky man kissed him as a greeting… thinking it was you” Yaz finished, her brain connecting the dots as she spoke.
“Jack is essentially a male version of River, he hits on anything that breathes, no matter the gender or the species. He loves flirting with me anytime he has the chance, and kissing me hello and goodbye. Not to mention he fancied Rose, and Rose fancied him, and Rose and I, well... you know. There was this one time where he sacrificed himself for us, and he kissed us both goodbye. When we were younger our flirting was significantly heavier too, our dynamics shifted a bit as we both got older. That’s Jack for you” she added, a nostalgic smile on her lips.
Yaz faintly laughed alongside the blonde, no further questions on her end. The mirth of the moment slowly dissipated, a charged silence slowly filling the air between them. The Doctor could tell there was so much Yaz was not saying for her sake, and despite how badly she wanted to avoid opening that particular can of worms, she owed the other woman that much. She closed her eyes, her brain revisiting the intense conversation they’ve had so far. She basked in the moment for a few seconds longer, trying to memorize the feeling of Yaz’s warm embrace. She opened her eyes again, resolve shining in them.
She slowly pushed herself upwards, finally leaving the comfort of Yaz’s shoulder. She sat back right next to the other woman, their heads now closer than before.
“Yaz, is any of it… a problem for you?” The Doctor asked, tentatively putting a hand on the other woman’s forearm.
“What? Yeah, no, Doctor, that’s not what—”
Yaz abruptly stopped her panicked speech, her voice slightly quivering as she tried to gather herself. “It’s not about that. I just…” Yaz stopped again, seemingly unable to find the right words. “It’s strange to hear you talk about all of it, about how different you were back then. It’s been enlightening, and don’t get me wrong, I want to keep learning about your past. It’s just that… hearing about your younger self, it made me wonder… how it would have been to meet you at a different time in your life” Yaz said, avoiding The Doctor’s gaze.
The Doctor pursed her lips and abruptly closed her eyes, guilt and fear washing over her. Memories of Yaz’s defeated expression at the beach crossed her memory, rejection and understanding mixed in the kind eyes of the younger woman.
She was a coward, she knew that. No matter how much she tried to convince herself that it was easier this way, deep down, she knew the damage was already done on both ends. No matter if she acted on her own feelings or not, Yaz would suffer. And losing Yaz in whatever capacity would be unbearably painful, no matter if she fixed herself to her or not.
“Yaz…” she started, her voice trembling with emotion. Her right hand gently cupped Yaz’s face, her fingers slowly trailing the soft skin underneath. “I’m so sorry, for everything” The Doctor whispered joining their foreheads together, their faces inches apart from each other. She reached up with the other hand, gently holding Yaz’s face between both her hands.
She felt warm tears land in her fingers, taking a second to gently dry Yaz’s face with her thumb pads. She forced herself to keep her own tears at bay, the intimacy with Yaz overwhelming her senses.
“Doctor…” Yaz whispered, her gentle tone vibrating through The Doctor’s bones. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you’re not enough the way you are right now… that was unfair.”
“Yaz…” The Doctor whispered, furrowing her brow as she bit her lower lip.
“Doctor, it’s okay” Yaz replied with a teary voice.
The younger woman’s hands rose from her lap to hold The Doctor’s, holding them tightly against her own face. The Doctor pushed herself even closer to Yaz, their bodies touching in every possible spot. She gave up trying to control her feelings, letting them wash over her in crushing waves that threatened to consume her.
She felt a small pull, Yaz gently tugging her hands downwards. She felt her fingers slowly trail down the other woman’s face, their intimate moment slowly fading away as Yaz tried to put distance between them. A part of her resisted the motion, the loss of contact feeling like plunging a knife into her soul. She curled her fingers below Yaz’s chin, refusing to fully let go.
“We’ll be okay” Yaz reassured, her forehead backing away from The Doctor’s.
As soon as The Doctor felt the loss of contact she instinctively reacted, pushing their foreheads together yet again in a frenzied movement. Her hands reached back up to hold Yaz’s face with an even firmer grip, the motion pushing their faces so close she could feel Yaz’s breath tickle her skin.
The Doctor tilted her head slightly sideways, their noses brushing together in an intimate motion. She could feel the other woman’s heart thumping loudly on her chest, resounding in a desynchronized beat against her own two hearts. She finally closed the small gap between their faces in agonizing slowness, her lips barely grazing Yaz’s soft lips. She wet her own lips, her tongue making slight contact with Yaz’s parted lips. She moved her hands to the back of the woman’s neck, catching Yaz’s lower lip between her own for a brief, agonizing second.
The Doctor stood still, her brain exhausted from the rollercoaster of feelings she had experienced in the past hours. A weird calm took over her as she let it all go, even if just for a little while.
“Yaz… the present is all I can offer you. Are you sure you want this?” The Doctor asked, keeping Yaz in place as she backed away half an inch to give her the space to reply.
Yaz stood still for what felt like an eternity, their ragged breaths the only sound in a five mile radius. She finally placed her hands around The Doctor’s waist, pushing them impossibly closer.
“As sure as I’ll ever be” she replied, closing the gap between their lips more firmly this time.
Both women finally let go of the pent up tension between them, months of tiptoeing around each other finally colliding into an increasingly heated kiss. They poured all of their feelings into it, their hands roaming each other’s bodies impatiently, trying to keep their bodies as close to each other as possible. The Doctor got lost in the feeling of it all, a mix of desire and need taking over her as their kisses continued to drive her feelings over the edge.
The Doctor took the intensity of the kiss down a notch, slowly pushing Yaz’s back against the hard rock behind them. She straddled her lap purposefully, biting the other woman’s top lip as she finally let go of them. She then trailed small kisses through her jaw, finally moving down her neck. She felt the other woman’s body tremble, a soft moan escaping her lips as the Time Lord bit down playfully behind her ear.
She felt the other woman slightly tug at her hair, cold fingers grazing her scalp. It drove The Doctor to a halt, unsure if it was an encouraging or a stopping motion. She trailed back up Yaz’s neck, her nose gently stroking the sensitive skin underneath. She took a moment to collect herself, finally daring to look at Yaz’s face, unsure of what she’d find there.
Yaz stared at her with the softest of looks, dreamy eyes lazily roaming through The Doctor’s face. She looked lost in thought, in a way the blonde had never seen her before.
“Are you okay?” The Doctor asked, carefully analysing Yaz’s reaction.
Yaz smiled lazily, playing with the blonde’s hair as she closed her eyes.
“I’m okay.”
Yaz opened her eyes again, faint hesitation in her soft expression. “It’s just, I’ve never—" Yaz nervously stammered, scratching her temple with her left hand. “I’ve never kissed anyone before, and you caught me off guard" Yaz blurted, schooling her slight nervousness behind a lopsided smile.
“Oh” The Doctor surprisingly exclaimed. “I— uh, well, that’s—"
“For what is worth, it was a really good first kiss” Yaz teased, trying to ease the blonde’s fumbling.
“I know it’s not the same thing, but technically it’s my first kiss too… with this body” The Doctor replied, a goofy grin on her lips.
“Such an honour” Yaz teased back, her head resting on the other woman’s shoulder.
“The honour was all mine m’lady” the blonde replied.
The Time Lord reflected back on what Yaz had mentioned, feeling inclined to make sure the other woman was okay with everything that transpired between them.
“Did I go a bit too overboard?” The Doctor asked, an apologetic expression on her face.
“What? No, it’s not about that, not exactly. A part of me was wondering if this might be the only chance we would get, so a part of me was afraid of making you stop, but I—"
“Too much, too soon?” the Time Lord asked, understanding in her eyes.
“Yeah, a little bit.”
The Doctor reflected back on their conversations of that day. She had given Yaz every reason to think she’d run away at any given moment, so she couldn’t blame the other woman for her reaction. She knew she had to find a way to make her point across.
“Yaz… I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. We never finished the conversation about why we landed on this place, but if I got that correctly, this was the TARDIS’ farewell gift for you. She’s been refusing to fly, giving me the silent treatment for being such a stubborn arse. Well deserved, I might add ” she stated, a self-deprecating scoff accompanying her statement. “The point is, I don’t know if you’ll still want to hang around tomorrow, I don’t know how I will feel about any of this. And we don’t have to talk about it now, unless you want to. I can only promise you one thing…”
The Doctor slowly stood up, turning around to look at Yaz’s dark figure sitting on their improvised rock chair. She extended her arm, offering it to the younger woman, helping her up. “Tonight, I’m all yours, in whatever way you’ll have me. I don’t know how difficult it will be for me but… I’ll stay.”
“Live in the present” Yaz said mimicking the blonde’s words from before. She nodded in agreement, the corner of her lip slightly twitching upwards. “For tonight.”
The Doctor grabbed Yaz’s hand, heading them both towards the TARDIS.
“For tonight.”