Chapter Text
Carina always loved fiercely, ever since she was a kid.
She would babble about the thing she loved all the time. I love the beach and I love the sea and I love baby Andrea.
Love, love, love. Amo, amo, amo.
Her mama used to say that she would consume that word if she kept using it over and over again, but she didn’t care because loving something was the best thing in the world and loving someone was even better.
But Carina was a smart kid she knew that with love also came heartbreak, it was part of the deal. She loved the sea, but she knew it was also dangerous, she loved the beach but if she stayed too many hours under the sun, she’d burn her skin and she loved Andrea…yeah, she loved her little brother.
But, Carina accepted the heartbreak, the complication of loving, the downfall of it all because not loving, ugh, that was far worse than any heartbreak ever.
So Carina loved, fiercely, openly, even embracing the heartbreak when it came to it.
And when she met Maya, she knew that the firefighter could give her the worst heartbreak she had ever experienced in her life.
But she loved her, fiercely, anyway.
The room is illuminated by the dim light of the lamp in the corner. A rocking chair is swinging back and forth at the center of the room, slowly and gently, like a lullaby. Carina looks at her brother from her mother’s lap. Andrea is just a few months old, his baby blue eyes are closed, content to be asleep in his mother’s arms, a mess of black curly hair on his head.
“He’ so tiny mom” Carina says as she traces a finger on his cheek.
The baby stirs for a moment and chubby little hands reach out to grab Carina’s finger.
“He is” her mother says quietly as not wake Andrea.
Ever since her mother told her she was going to be a big sister Carina had been excited. She was finally going to have a sibling, just like the rest of her cousins and she was going to have someone to play with, someone to watch cartoon with, someone to build a sandcastle with!
She had talked to her mama’s bump almost every day up until Andrea was born, while her mom gently played with her hair. These were the best moment of her day, when after school and after she had finished her homework they would lay on the couch, all three of them together, and she would tell Andrea all about her day.
“When can I play with him?”
Lucia laughs at her daughter’s eagerness. “Maybe let’s wait until he can hold his head up on his own”
“Are you happy to be a big sister now? That’s a big responsibility you know?” Lucia asks, glad to see that her daughter had accepted Andrea so warmly. She was afraid Carina would react badly, just like her cousin Giovanna did when her little sister was born, but Carina had been perfect all throughout her pregnancy. Repeating to her how much she loved her fratellino and how she couldn’t wait to meet him.
“Very happy, mama. I love him. I swear I’m gonna protect him all the time!”
“I know you will, amore”
“I’m gonna give him all the love in the world!”
The first she notices of Maya are eyes. They’re this vibrant blue sky and big and they seem to shine even brighter when she smiles.
She offers her a drink, and they shake hands. Maya’s grip is strong, almost like she has to prove something, and she relaxes a bit after they share a glass of wine.
She figures quickly that Maya is…layered, complex but also strong, fierce, beautiful, interesting and easy to talk to.
“…so you faced a bear, carried someone’s nose in a bag and run all the way to the hospital?”
“Yup” Maya only says, taking a sip of her drink. “Would you believe me if I told that isn’t the weirdest thing that happened to me?”
“Oh, I would. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve seen on my shift at the hospital.”
Maya tilts her head, waiting for Carina to continue with her story. “I’m an OB/GYN. I’ve seen so many things stuck in so many wrong places…”
Maya lets out a little laugh, clearly intrigued with the story. They compete to see who has the most awkward and funny story – Carina wins in the end, with the one of a gun stuck in a vagina – and conversation keeps flowing easily.
Maya asks Carina where she’s from, takes a guess, ‘Italian?’, she asks. Carina nods, tells her that she moved all the way from Italy to be near her brother, doesn’t tell her the reason why.
Maya tells her that the nearest she’s been to Italy is when she was in London for the Olympic. Carina makes a face because London is cold and wet and so different from her town back in Sicily, but she instantly asks Maya about the Olympic.
“I did my race, won the gold medal and then flew home” Maya shrugs, telling the story as if it was a visit to the dentist and not something impressive at all. Carina gets the feeling that there’s something weighting down that day or the whole experience but doesn’t push and tries to lighten the mood instead.
“wow, I bet your biography would be very long, like two pages long” Carina jokes.
Maya laughs. “I’m not one of many words” she agrees with her. Talking is not her strong suit.
Carina lets her tongue run over her teeth, takes a sip of her wine and replies with something flirty. Maya blushes, hides her rosy cheeks in her drinks, takes a moment and replies with something flirty back.
When they get out of the bar it’s late, they’re not drunk, just slightly tipsy, and they hold onto each other as not to fall.
They do not go home together that night. Both having early shift the day after, but Maya’s skinny jeans wrap around her thighs too deliciously for Carina’s to be held accountable for hooking up her finger on Maya’s belt loop and bringing her closer.
Maya is surprised at first but welcomes Carina’s hands on her neck nonetheless and nods when Carina looks into her eyes looking for consent.
The kiss is passionate, raw, drunk and Carina doesn’t know it yet but she’s one less heartbeat away from heartbreak.
Carina gets her first heartbreak when she is six years old.
Unlike many of friends, Carina loves to go to school. She doesn’t like to be away from her mama, no, but she likes learning new things, and she likes painting, and she likes playing with her best friend, Maria.
Maria has been her best friend since they had started kindergarten. Maria is funny and kind, she always shares her things with Carina and makes her laughs so much that her belly hurts.
They are best friends, and they love each other.
It’s on the last day of kindergarten that Carina feels it, a punch in her stomach and a lump in her throat.
She asks Maria what she’s going to do for the summer, already planning to ask her mom if the two of them can meet up to play on the beach. “We’re going to Palermo!” Maria says excited. Her mama told her that Palermo was big and beautiful, and she couldn’t wait to go.
“And when are you coming back?” Carina asks, adding a few sun rays on her drawing.
“We’re staying there. Mama said Dad got a new job and I’ll go to a new school and we’re going to move to a bigger house with a garden and Mama said that we could get a doggie too!”
Carina looks at her, she can feel her eyes fill up with tears, her chin trembling and the lump in her throat getting bigger. She doesn’t understand what is happening and she doesn’t like it.
She only wants her mama now.
At home, she cries and cries and cries, laying on her mom’s lap while Lucia strokes her hair and tries to calm her down. She pouts and carry her comfort blanket around the house for two weeks after the news, even if it’s summer and it’s way too hot for a blanket. She thinks she’ll never have a best friend again because it hurts too much when they leave. But then, on the first day of elementary school she meets Mattia, with his sand brown hair and his green eyes and everything is quickly forgotten because she has a new best friend now.
They hook up a few times. They don’t put a label on it, because it’s too soon and because they’re basically just having fun and Carina likes to have fun.
Maya is reserved, she’s not shy per se, but she doesn’t like to talk about personal stuff all that much and while Carina is the opposite, all gesturing and talking a mile a minute, she also likes to listen and observe.
So, she tries to pick up all the little information about Maya, all the little details that the blonde might let slip when they spend some time together after their post orgasms bliss. She doesn’t ever stay over, not unless the blonde asks her to, and so far, she hasn’t.
She knows the blonde is the youngest female captain of Station 19, work is the only thing Maya feel comfortable talking. She doesn’t talk about her friends, Carina doesn’t know if she has any, her phone only lights up with fire notifications so that doesn’t help either.
She’s waiting for Maya to come back with a glass of wine when she picks up a book on the blonde’s library. It’s Don Quijote, written in Spanish, the original language. She remembers studying in Italy, it was part of the Spanish literature program. She’s going through some pages when Maya enters the living room with two glasses of wine.
“Oh, that is Andy’s” she explains, looking at the book in Carina’s hand
Carina puts the book down, replacing it with the glass. “Andy?” that’s a new name.
“My…friend” Maya hesitates “kind of” she adds “it’s complicated”
“Complicated how?” She asks. It’s the first time Maya mentioned some kind of friend.
Maya sits down on the couch and sighs, contemplating her next words “I basically stole her job as Captain at nineteen, went behind her back and now no one is talking to me because of that!” She says in fake enthusiasm, shrugging her shoulder.
Carina joins her on the couch, takes a sip of her wine and lets her hand falls near Maya’s shoulder. She plays with her hair.
“You stole her job?” It doesn’t sound like an accusation, and she hopes Maya doesn’t take it as one. She genuinely just wants to know more about her, and it seems there’s more beyond Maya’s words that she lets on. As it usually is with Maya.
“Sullivan offered the position to me instead of her”
Carina raises a brow “So you accepted a job that was offered to you?” She puts an accent on the word accepted because it doesn’t sound like Maya stole anything, at all. But the blonde doesn’t seem to agree with her.
“I accepted a job that was promised to her.” She corrects Carina even if the Italian doesn’t seem convinced “As I said, it’s complicated.” She adds, declaring the end of the conversation but Carina has other ideas.
“Nothing is ever just promised” she says firmly. She talks from experience. Nothing in life is ever guaranteed. She doesn’t know the full story, wants to hear Maya tell her and she doubts the blonde will do it now, but she knows this. “Not in love, not in life, definitely not in work”
Maya watches her, ponder her words and then she puts down glass. Carina knows the conversation is over before Maya’s next move.
Maya takes the glass out of her hand, puts it down next to hers and straddles Carina. The brunette’s hands instantly circle her waist, they settle on her ass. She loves Maya’s ass.
Maya leaves a trail of kisses on Carina’s neck, and she stops short of her mouth “I didn’t invite you to talk about that”
Carina wants to tell her that it doesn’t matter, that she wants to hear Maya talk about her day or her kinda friend or whatever she wants to talk about, but she doesn’t. Because what they’re doing is fun and easy and it’s too soon.
So, she nods instead and accept Maya’s kiss, sneaks her hands under Maya’s shirt.
One less heartbeat away…
The second time she gets her heart broken is when her mama leaves with Andrea.
Carina learns that there are many types of heartbreak just like there are many types of love.
It doesn’t hurt any less.
When Maya asked her to come over Carina knew that it was for a hook up. What she didn’t expect was to cradle the blonde into her arms while she cried and mumbled something about being a truck and destroying families.
She doesn’t understand at first, believing it has something to do with the language barrier but then Maya explains it to her once she has calmed down enough to form a full meaning sentence.
She tells her how being a captain is something that she always wanted but she never imagined to be this lonely. She tells her how all her friends – yes, Carina discovers that Maya has friends – don’t talk to her or if they do, it’s strictly related to work and how every time she walks into a room it falls quiet.
Tells her that that was the reason she was drinking alone the night they met.
Carina heart aches for her. She has never been alone, she had Andrea, she always had friends in her life, wherever she was, even if she moved from city to city, but she had known loneliness too and she thinks it’s one of the worst feeling in the world. To be surrounded by people and still feel as if there is no one around.
So, she tries to cheer Maya up. She talks to her in Italian, something that Carina knows Maya likes, that she finds sexy. It works, Carina is pleased to see a smile growing on Maya’s face and the tension leaving her shoulder even if it’s for a little.
After they stops rolling around on the bed and sharing kisses and orgasms, Maya puts an arm around her waist and fall asleep with her face between Carina’s neck and shoulder. She doesn’t ask her to stay but when Carina tries to move, the grip on her waist tightens so she stays where she is, even if she’s going to be late to work.
She disentangles herself from Maya’s grip a few minutes later, she makes her something easy to eat and a fresh pot of coffee.
She leaves with a lingering look and note,
Had to go to work, I made you something to eat and fresh coffee.
Call me whenever, I’m here if you want.
Ciao!
One less…
“I don’t usually do this”
Maya says to her one night.
They’ve had dinner together and shared a bottle of wine. It has sort of become their thing, dinner and wine.
It was one of the rare occasions where they both had the day off and they took the opportunity to spend the day together and just be lazy, something that Carina loves, and Maya really isn’t good at.
“You mean sex?”
Carina jokes. The sheets slip down her waist when she moves in the bed, she doesn’t bother covering up, she’s never been shy about her body and if the way Maya’s eyes roams over her chest are any indication, she’d say she’s enjoying the view too.
She props herself up on an elbow and watches down at Maya. The blonde’s hair spreads out on the pillow, forming a halo around her head. Carina thinks she’s beautiful like this, relaxed and with a content smile on her face. She can’t help it when her fingers start stroking Maya’s skin, from her cheek and then her neck and down on her arms and then back up again.
Maya opens her eyes, they’re playful and there’s a serenity behind them that Carina only sees in these occasions.
“No, I meant I don’t usually do the sleep over thing.”
“Ah, you’re more the kind of person to love ‘em and leave’em? Un don Giovanni”
Maya raises a brow, not familiar with the terms. “A Casanova” Carina explains when she sees Maya expression.
“You know I had this tradition” Maya starts telling, air quoting the last word “Self-care Wednesday” she says, catching Carina’s hand and kissing the back of it. “I would usually bring someone home and make them leave in the morning”
“It’s Thursday today” she points out.
Maya nods. Carina has never been just a simple hook up. Maya thinks that deep down she knew that from the first moment they met. She gets up from her laying position and takes Carina’s face into her hand. She kisses her with passion and guides her to lay down on the bed. Carina lets her, too dizzy from Maya’s kiss to do anything else. Maya hovers over her just for a moment, and then she leans down on one elbow, stroking Carina’s cheek and kissing her again. They’re happy to just make out and explore their bodies without going any further. Carina lets her hand wanders on Maya’s muscular arms and Maya’s gently squeezes her hips. Carina already forgot what they were talking about when Maya stops to look into her eyes.
“I don’t want you to leave” she admits in a whisper.
Carina’s breath hitch but before she can say anything Maya is kissing her again. She doesn’t know if it’s because she’s scared of her admission or she’s scared Carina will reject her implied proposition of staying over. Either way Carina stays the night because how could she ever leave when Maya is right beside her?
And when she lays beside her that night, sleeping together for the first time, and Maya gives her the softest of the kisses, she can’t help her heart from skipping a beat.
One less…
She realizes that something is changing thanks to Amelia.
The day at hospital is a slow one and after checking on her mamas she has some free time on her hands, so she heads down to the cafeteria to grab some coffee even if it tastes like crap.
She takes the phone out of her pockets when she receives a message.
It’s from Maya.
Just tried the coffee from that place you told me the other day. It’s really good, like better than anything I ever tasted.
She can’t help but smile.
She and Maya had been seeing each other for weeks now. They haven’t talked about it but she’s pretty sure they’re leaving the ‘we’re just hooking up’ phase and heading into the ‘we just might be dating’ phase.
She’s typing a response when Amelia slides next to her. A smirk on her lips and a curious expression on her face. Her face is more round now, just like her belly. She radiates a light only pregnant women’s have and Carina is glad to see her healthy and happy.
“Who’s got you smiling like that?”
She asks, leaning over Carina and trying to read her text. Carina instantly pockets her phone, making Amelia pout.
Amelia had easily become of one her closest friend in the hospital. She’s fun and easy going and incredibly kind. She made her feel welcome from the moment she entered the hospital. She knows she had to face some dark thing in the past, Carina hadn’t asked but she had heard talks between the hospital stuff and even if she isn’t interested into partaking in hospital gossip, she still has ears.
“No one”
“Ah! That was way too quick. There is definitely someone” Amelia points a finger at her.
Carina grimaces when she takes a sip of her coffee. “Why are you so interested in my life?”
“I’m bored and I need some gossip juice to fuel my day. So, spill…please” she adds with an innocent smile.
“There really is nothing to talk about” she tries again.
Amelia raises a brow. “You’ve had that stupid I-get-laid-regularly-smile on your face for days now.”
Carina frowns. She hadn’t realized she was smiling more than usual. But now that she thinks about it, since she had met Maya she has been more relaxed and happier, even when she has a crappy day, or a fight with Andrea, thinking about Maya makes everything seem easier and lighter.
Maya who is so brave and kind and who can manage to make her laugh even on her darkest moment. Maya who had showed up at her door with her favorite’s wine when she had told her she had a bad day, Maya who would text her silly little random facts just to cheer her up…
“…and let’s not talk about the walk”
“The what?” okay, now Amelia is only making fun of her.
“you know” Amelia starts to explain “When you walk in all swaggery and glowing because you had sex”
“okay, basta, basta. Stop”
She thinks about making a run to avoid the conversation but the prospect of gushing about Maya with someone suddenly feels like a new urge. She had been keeping this new relationship close to her heart and away from other’s people reach just to protect it and protect Maya but she now she wants to tell Amelia all about it. About how Maya makes her feel, and how the blonde is becoming a constant in her life rather than just a sporadic fling.
Amelia is looking at her with these blue intense eyes “Have you ever met Warren’s colleagues from the Station?”
Amelia frowns, she doesn’t understand what that has to do with Carina’s new flame, but she answers anyway. “Once or twice”
“The blonde one?” Carina continues asking.
Amelia nods “Captain Bishop?” she asks confused.
“Si” Carina nods.
Amelia doesn’t react though, and Carina doesn’t think she understood fully what she was saying. She licks her lips and raises a brow, hoping Amelia gets the implied message.
She does.
“ooh” her eyes light up and her face breaks into a smile, finally happy to have received the much-awaited gossip. “Well done, De Luca, well done”
“Now, tell me everything! How’s the sex?”
Carina just laughs.
It’s late when Carina feels a knock on her door. She’s going through a medical research Amelia has lent her and she’s got a glass of wine to go with it. Maya is in the middle of a twenty-four-hour shift, and they had exchanged some texts during the day, when Maya had some downtime between calls.
She frowns when the knocking gets more insistent and she worry for a minute, wondering if it’s safe to open the door. The neighborhood is nice, but one can never know.
Her worry is replaced with concern when she sees Maya trough the peephole.
“Maya?”
The blonde is looking at the ground, her face is covered by her long hair and Carina scans her for any sign of injuries. She doesn’t find any, but Maya doesn’t move.
“Maya?” she calls out again.
She takes a step forward and takes her hand. It’s then that Maya looks up at her. Her face is a mix of emotion that Carina can’t quiet decipher, anger, sadness, guilt.
“Are you okay?”
Maya nods then shakes her head. “Rigo’s dead” she says in a whisper.
Carina doesn’t say anything, just guides her inside the apartment. Maya follows her, on autopilot, and lets herself be led into the apartment, into the living room, on the couch. Carina watches as Maya sits quietly and doesn’t utter a word. She disappears into the kitchen and comes a few moments later with a glass of water. She puts it on the table, next to the one filled with wine. The research article now forgotten on the ground.
She kneels in front of Maya, between her legs, on the ground. She takes the hands off her face and keep them in hers, strokes her thump over the soft skin of Maya’s palm.
“What happened?”
“He was fine and then…and then he just-died” Maya takes a big breath, it is meant to be calming but it only makes her lungs more shaky.
She tries to free her hands from Carina’s grip, but the Italian doesn’t let her. “Hey” Carina says in a whisper.
Maya’s blue eyes falls on her and she takes in her appearance. Her nightgown, the glass of wine on the coffee table. “I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry, I should go”
Her words are fast and narrow. She tries to get up, but Carina pushes her back down on the couch and Maya lands with a soft thud. On any other occasion, Maya’s strength would have exceeded Carina’s, but this time she accepts Carina’s lead. Maybe because her body doesn’t really want to leave or maybe she just feels too exhausted to fight back.
“Why did you come here?” Carina asks her.
Maya’s answer is quick and honest. “It’s the first place I thought of. You’re the first person I thought of…I’m sorry”
Carina shakes her head “Stop saying you’re sorry. Do you want to be here?”
Maya nods, she doesn’t want to be anywhere else. She thought about running too but she feels drained and exhausted, and her mind and feet agreed to lead her here. To Carina.
“Then you’re staying” Carina’s voice is firm, it accepts no compromises. “Drink this” she hands Maya the glass of water “And tell me everything”
Maya’s back hits the cushions, she runs a hand through her hair. She’s calmer than before and she hold Carina’s gaze while she is speaking.
“I’m the one that put him and Gibson together that day. They told me they could work together, and I believed them, and I shouldn’t have”
Carina doesn’t really know the full story. She just knows that Rigo and Jack were working together the day of the accident but nothing more.
“Why wouldn’t you believe them?”
“Jack slept with Rigo’s wife” Maya admits.
Carina’s brow shots up but doesn’t comment, choosing to let Maya talk and saving comforting words for later.
“Then Rigo punched Jack in the face but they told me they could work together so I put them together and then-“
She stops herself again. Telling the story is like living it again. The explosion, Rigo getting hurt, her screaming match with Andy. It’s all so overwhelming.
“Maya, none of this is your fault” Carina tries to tell her but Maya just shakes her head.
“I’m the Captain, I shouldn’t have put them together, I shoul-“
“Maya” Carina stops her, she sits by her side, never letting of her hand. “They are adult, if they told you they could work together it’s on them. The accident was just an accident, it wasn’t on you, okay?”
Carina takes Maya’s face into her hands, repeats the last words she just said. “It wasn’t on you”
Maya leans into her touch, kisses the palm of the hand that is holding her cheek. She nods, letting Carina’s words sink in. “You’re a great captain, I’m sure you did everything you could that day.”
Maya nods again, she feels the exhaustion of the last few days coming like a wave. “Have you had dinner yet?”
Maya shakes her head, the split pea soup she was making is now resting forgotten in the fridge. “I’ll make you something to eat”
Carina moves to stand up but is stopped by Maya’s hand on her thigh. The firefighter is looking at her with something, a deep feeling of affection, and Carina’s breath stops for a moment.
“Thank you”
She gives her a kiss, it’s soft and innocent but Carina feels Maya puts everything she can’t express with words into it. And she gets the message; thank you for being here, thank you for listening, thank you for helping.
And Carina answers; you’re welcome, I’m here for you, I’m always here if you need me.
They eat a late dinner together, Maya because her empty stomach is starting to riot and Carina because she wants to keep Maya company and her Italian metabolism is always up for some food. Carina finishes her wine and then collects the dishes, brings them to the sink.
She takes Maya hands when she sees the blonde faltering into the living room, looking between the door and Carina’s bedroom. Carina leads her to the bedroom, looks for a pajama that fits Maya, she gives her a pair of soccer short stolen from Andrea and a t-shirt big enough for her chest.
She tells her she looks good and Maya blushes, suddenly shy and self-conscious. She gets under the cover and Maya does the same. Carina instantly drifts towards her, Maya has this natural pull over her, she just wants to touch her whenever they are near, and although Maya is not really a touchy-feely person, she welcomes Carina’s touch every time.
The brunette puts her head on Maya’s chest, her legs over the blondes’, lets her know she is near. Maya sighs, kisses her head, and thanks her again. Her voice is groggy with sleep and when she falls asleep soon after, exhaustion taking over her body, she doesn’t hear Carina’s word.
“You’re welcome, amore”
One less…
The conversation with her mamma gets less and less deep as she the months flow by. She’s just a kid that had to grow up before her time. Her dad is never around – “non posso stare qui se ci sono vite da salvare”, I can’t be her if there are lives to be saved, she tells her– and she feels lonely, scared, lost.
Her aunts – her mama’s sisters – try to help her as much as they can but they have families of their own and children to take care of so Carina has to learn to cook, and clean and look after herself before she even turns fifteen.
She doesn’t understand why her mom had to go and take Andrea with her and leave her all alone. Lucia had told her, before leaving, that she would understand, eventually, when she was older. But now everything is just so confusing and too much at the same time.
She resents her mother, and she doesn’t understand why she keeps trying to care about her life when she was the one who left her in the first place.
But then, one night, when she is on the phone with her mom and Lucia is trying and failing to get Carina to talk, Andrea grabs the phone, and they talk for hours, and he tells her how sad her mama is and how sometimes he hears her cry in her bedroom. How exhausted she looks and how she misses Carina – they both do- and how lonely he feels, without her and his friends and sometimes she forgets that her brother is going through the same things she is.
Carina is relieved at first because it means she isn’t the only one who is hurting but then she thinks about her mama hurting and Andrea being sad, and she doesn’t like it. Maybe it will hurt less when she is older and maybe that is enough for now.
She loves her mom. And she loves Andrea and so she tries, for her little brother.
So, when her mama calls the next time, she talks and talks and try to tell her everything that comes into her mind. Because she loves her mamma and if she closes her eyes hard enough, she can still feel her fingers running through her hair.
It’s been three months since she and Maya have been dating. Carina can almost hear Andrea’s voice making a snarky comment about that being the longest relationship she ever had but she turns it off, first because it isn’t true and second because Andrea’s voice is incredibly annoying in her head, and sometimes, outside of it too.
That day hadn’t started well, and it went even worse as the hour passed. She had this huge fight with Andrea in the morning and she was called urgently in the hospital because one of her mamas had some complication. She had snapped at one of the interns because there were being incompetenti, and she hadn’t had a good cup of coffee all day.
She is cranky and tired and worried about her brother and by the time she gets home the only thing she wants to do is curl up on her bed and sleep until her next shift starts. She doesn’t even have the strength to cook.
When Maya shows up on her door a few minutes later, the surprise isn’t unpleasant, quite the contrary.
It is getting more difficult each day to ignore the warm and buzzy feeling nestled into the side of her heart and as she looks into Maya’s eyes, she realizes that maybe she doesn’t want to, anymore.
She can feel some of her crankiness melting away already, looking into Maya’s eyes. But tonight, she is too tired to do anything other than just lay around on the couch and she tells Maya so. The blonde doesn’t care, she is just as tired as Carina, and just shows her a bag of take-out food.
“I brought food and a bottle of red wine.” She looks nervous as she shifts her body from on foot to the other. “You sounded tired on the phone earlier and I missed you and I though…” Maya stops, afraid of having revealed too much “I can go if you want, but I just wanted to see you and thought you’d like some company”
Carina smiles, big and bright. She plants a wet and hard kiss on her mouth that Maya instantly melts into.
She leads her to the couch and as Maya gets the box of take out from the bag she works on the wine, grabbing two glasses.
The curl on the couch together, stealing bites of food from each other’s plates. When they’ve finished eating and Carina is relaxed enough, Maya takes her legs and puts them on her lap, massaging her ankles. Carina moans, Maya is exceptionally good with her hands.
“Wanna tell me what happened now?”
Carina sighs. Maya is getting too good at reading her. She knows that Carina isn’t tired just for her work but something else has happened. She could hear it in the tone of her voice when they talked earlier on the phone and now, she could see it in her eyes.
Retracing the events of the day is not something Carina looks forward to but having a shoulder to lean on sounds nice and she wants Maya to know all of her, the good and the bad, and she hopes that maybe, that way, Maya will feel free to do the same with her.
The fight with Andrea hasn’t been all that different from all the other ones they had on the same subject. Carina tries to talk to him into getting help and Andrea accuses her of treating him like he is dangerous and sick. And Carina tries and tries to tell him that that’s not why she is pushing so much. Andrea is brilliant and kind and he is nothing like their dad but they do have the same disease and Carina is tired of losing people because of that.
“Did I ever tell you why my mamma left with Andrea when I was fourteen?”
Maya shakes her head but doesn’t stop moving her hands up and down Carina’s legs. Carina knows it’s her way of saying she is there and she is listening.
“I didn’t get why my mom had to leave me and take Andrea with her but she said that I would understand once I was old enough.” She pauses and looks at Maya, gives her a sad smile “I understand now”
A tear rolls down her cheek and Maya catches it before it reaches her chin. Her finger is soft and delicate on her cheek, like the wings of a butterfly. It makes her wants to cry a thousand more tears.
“My dad has bipolar disorder, and it can be inherited, and Andrea is the same age my dad was when he started showing the first symptoms. My dad is a brilliant doctor but he put many people in danger because of his illness, he killed four people while in the operating room because he had an episode and he refused treatment.”
Carina closes her eyes, saying it out loud always hurts because it means it was real and not just a nightmare she had. When she opens her eyes Maya’s watching her, her eyes are vibrant and blue, just like the first night they met and they hold no sign of judgment, just lots of affection.
“I think my mom knew that Andrea could inherit the same disease and she tried to keep him as safe as she could, away from my dad. It became impossible to live with him so she left and came here”
Carina remembers, now and then. The memories come crashing down on her like flashes of bright blinging light. The way her dad would scream one day and be fine the next, how sometimes Carina would find him awake at three a.m. after a full day of work studying on his research, how he would forget to eat and sleep for days and feel bad for a whole week after. How her mama tried and tried but eventually stopped because one could only give so much before nullifying themselves. And she had kids too, and as much as she loved Vincenzo, her kids were her whole life.
“Andrea refuses any kind of help. He thinks he’s not ill but he is, he just can’t see it. The nigh of the storm? When you called to ask me for help delivering a baby?”
Maya nods, listening carefully. She remembers that day, she was afraid to mess it up but with Carina’s help and calming words she had managed to deliver a healthy baby girl. Dean’s baby girl.
“He almost lost his hands because he walked by foot though the storm to bring an organ for a patient.”
“I’m so scared to lose him.” She lets out.
Maya grabs her hand and waits for Carina to meet her eyes. She offers her a compassionate smile, she’s not good with talking and comforting people, Maya is so used to bottle everything up inside of her that she never really knew how to deal with her emotion, let alone other people’s. But with Carina she learned that that is not something healthy to do and leaning on another person is not a sign of weakness.
Carina looks so little and lost and she just wants to hug her and coddle her and keep her close to her chest and she wants to chase away the things that makes Carina sad. “Hey, you won’t. if anyone can get him to get help it’s you, not only because you’re his sister but also, you’re the most stubborn person I know”
Carina lets out a chuckle through her tears. “I am.”
Maya laugh, glad to see that Carina is smiling. “Tell me something about you two. About your childhood in Italy?”
“You really want to know?” Maya nods. She would spend hours hearing Carina talk.
Carina doesn’t know if Maya’s asking because she is interested or because she wants to help take her mind off of her fight with Andrea. Either way, it’s a sweet gesture and Carina scoots closer to Maya, rest her head on her shoulder. Maya’s hands leave her legs and she starts playing with her hair, Carina feels a kiss being placed on top of her head. She closes her eyes, savoring the moment before talking.
She tells Maya how skinny and shy Andrea was as a child and how one day she punched a boy in the face because he was making fun of him – no one dared to mess with him after that. How they would play for hours under the sun only to go home with sunburn and her mama would scold them but gently rub after sun lotion on their skin.
She tells her of how Andrea found out she liked girl because one day he found her kissing her girlfriend’s sister in her bedroom and the only thing he told her was ‘as long as you’re kissing her sister and not my girlfriend, we’re good’.
She tells her about the days Andrea and her would go out of school and stop at their uncle Beppe’s restaurant to have lunch – because Vincenzo and Lucia were otherwise occupied – and how they’d go out of the restaurant with their belly full.
She tells her how heartbroken she was when he left with her mama and how she looked forward to their daily conversation by waiting near the phone for a hours.
She talks for more than an hour. Maya never stops stroking her hair or her legs, she never stops giving her some sort of physical comfort. She is also very interested in Carina’s stories, interrupting her only to ask her more thing about a particularly fun story.
They fall quiet at some point, the weight of the day is falling off Carina’s shoulders, slowly but still. She’ll try again to help Andrea, tomorrow or maybe the day after, but for now she is content to lay down next to Maya and to keep her close, to feel her fingers on her body and her perfume in the room.
“You can do this Carina” Maya says “I know it’s difficult and Andrea might not want the help you offer, the help he needs but” she takes a short pause but then continues “I also know you’ll do everything you can to help, and I’ll be there, whenever you need me, however you need me, okay?”
Carina nods. She believes Maya’s words.
“Thank you for being here” she says before her tears threaten to come back.
Maya tilts her head to the side, smiles. “Prego”
One less…