Work Text:
Notes for study:
The following materials are written documents found amongst the possessions of Arianna Clawthorne, donated to the Bonesborough Library and Archive after her death by her sister. Some of the materials correspond with verified handwriting samples, while others seem to be writing by a second individual that Ms. Clawthorne chose to save for reasons unknown.
†
One track mind, one track heart, if I fail, I’ll fall apart.
†
Written under, the wires crossed
The symphony begins to swell
One, two, three and red on my bones
Everything’s blood and all is well
Waltz with war and tango death
Fate is but the hawk’s eye
The reverie begins to play
Everything’s blood; let it fly.
I breathe your blood, I bleed my name
We’re lost within a sea of red
Your name is written in my bones
Everything’s blood where angels fled
†
Love me at the end of the line
When lovers would forget my name
Love me when I bring you down
The ground after the soaring high
Love me when you fight me off
The ledge and fight me—not to kill
One day I’ll be your guardian angel
One day you’ll destroy my enemies
Today you are my warrior Valkyrie
My siren song: let it fly
I met you under burning skies
Your aim was right between my eyes
Upon your lips were only lies
Then I named you ‘Arianna’.
†
I met you where the war begun
Where in the streets the blood had run
Your gaze promises I’m done
Then you named me ‘Arianna’
I wondered when I saw your face
Why it was redemption, grace
You should have shot me down in place
Instead you breathed, ‘Arianna’
†
Red is for blood,
and me.
Blue is for the sky underneath.
Yellow’s the light,
as you open your eyes.
Green is that shirt
that you should’ve retired.
Purple’s for drapes and
Orange is for fire.
†
Red is your hair and
Yellow is your eyes,
the sun, shining bright in the sky.
Green is the grass
that you’ve never graced
Blue is for lost but
Red is for found.
The night is for sleeping,
but Arianna,
I’m wide awake now.
†
from a slightly disgruntled Arianna:
I tried to stop myself from loving you
to bring this to an end.
I called you enemy, then partner,
then I called you my friend.
You smiled at me as if you knew that
I’d never win this war.
It doesn’t matter what I do:
nobody could love you more than I.
†
I found you bathed in blood and light
The sunrise haloed ‘round your face
Your eyes alive showed fate and grace
Had brought you back alive
Next to mine.
I lay my life beside your head
And bound the wounds that were your own
Around the room, your stain’s grown
Where others fell and bled
You studied me with endless gaze
My hands I kept where you could see
Morning passed so quietly
As often do our days
The rush of wind flew down upon
The roof above through glass wings
Silently we packed our things
And stepped into the dawn
I will kiss you again, my darling.
†
Run until we cannot break
Mark the clock for time will tell
The music clicks beneath the gun
Everything’s blood and all is well
Excerpt from the journals of Arianna Clawthorne-Wittebane, wife of Caleb Wittebane, compiled by Lilith Clawthorne:
18/7
Today I spoke to a healer who insisted I learn five stages of grief by heart, as if my pain could be quantified into a list to tick off. Behind her, she had a portrait of her husband and beautiful, red-cheeked kids. The stages are as follows: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I could tick four of them off, but I didn’t stand at the cusp of accepting a life without him.
I will take what is mine with fire and blood.
23/8
I spoke to a new healer today because I’m trying to be better for my sister, who tacked on two more points and changed the others, because he didn’t think that a linear list of points helped my complicated grief. He then proceeded to give me a list of points. They are now:
Shock and denial: he said it was a way for my brain to understand what happened. My brain doesn’t need to. I do. I understand what happened. And I understand why I failed.
Pain and guilt: yes. He tells me to tell myself that I did the best I could with the resources I had at the moment. That is a lie.
Anger and bargaining: he talked about revenge. I admitted that I drew and tacked a portrait of Phillip onto a bale of hardened hay that I now throw knives at. He told me that he meant that I probably felt angry at Caleb for leaving me alone. I also feel that. I have bargained enough. I have given enough.
Depression, loneliness and reflection: I’m still here, but I’m okay. I’m not okay, but I might be. I have to work to become the person that my sister deserves to have in her life. I am a force of nature in how I live, love and lose. And I must continue being that.
Upward turn: he told me to watch out for slipping backwards, but I’m anchored to the ocean floor, and I’ll drag Phillip down with me.
Reconstruction: this stage is about recognising that you’re never going to be the same person again. But you can be a new person.
Acceptance and hope: this is when you learn to be grateful for what was – the years you spent with someone – but accept that it is no longer. He says it takes longer than a couple months to get here, he says I should still be bargaining with a higher power but it’s not really that I have time for that, is it?