Chapter Text
“Miss Yae. Do you know why are you here?”
Miko swallowed, played with her fingers. Of course she knew why she was here. For the past 7 years it made her life a living hell.
She straightened her back. Kept her face neutral. She wanted help, needed it, but she wasn’t going to look miserable over it. She licked her lips, cleared her throat then made eye contact with the other woman.
A psychiatrist, one of the best in her field. She was attractive, it was obvious. Any man or woman could see it. But it wasn’t awakening anything inside of Miko. It was like looking at a beautifully crafted statue. She didn’t awake anything inside of her, nothing but simple admire. It didn’t turn into desire.
Nothing did. For the past seven years, nothing made her feel desire. Except…
“I am addicted.”
“Hmm.” Doctor Sangonomiya crossed her legs, put her clipboard on her leg. She tapped the paper with her pink pen, probably custom made. “Alcohol?”
“No. I drink of course, but I am no addict.”
Doctor put her chin in her hand, analyzing. She wasn’t going to see anything in Miko’s face, though. Miko is a politician. A really good one. Lying, cheating, acting is part of her job. She never showed anything people shouldn’t know.
She was aware she had to put her walls down a bit for the woman who sat opposite of her, though. She needed to get rid of this sickness.
“It can’t be smoking. I don’t think you would demand me to clear my entire schedule for a simple thing like that.”
A sharp tongue. Miko can’t help but feel amused.
“Sex?” Miko shakes her from left to right, slowly. She had a good sex life 7 years ago. The times when her eyes caught women who are attractive and something would start to burn inside of her.
Now though, nothing happened. She didn’t want it anymore. When some women made a move on her, no matter how pretty or attractive they are, no matter if they are cute or hot, no matter if they are flirtatious or hard to get, Miko didn’t want them. It was frustrating, as if something broke her.
Not “as if”. Something, someone did break her. Miko cursed the day she saw her.
“I am not a sex addict. I don’t even want it.”
Sangonomiya tilted her head. “Are you asexual?”
“No, I think. I mean I had regular sex life before. I just don’t want it anymore, for reasons.”
“For how long?”
Miko couldn’t help but grip the armrest. “Seven years.”
Kokomi scribbled something to paper. “That’s a very long time. Did something trigger you? Or is it connected to your addiction?”
Miko remained silent. She really didn’t want to say it. She gritted her teeth, knowing very well Sangonomiya didn’t miss it.
“Some drugs can cause that.”
“I have never used drugs in my life.”
Miko examined the woman. She was aware Sangonomiya Kokomi already knew what’s her problem. She was just eliminating other possibilities, other things that might have caused this little problem of hers go a little further.
No. Yae Miko only has one, living, breathing problem.
“Since you are a famous politician who is always in front of cameras, I think it’s not wrong for me to assume you prefer women, right?”
Assume? Even the birds flying around the nation knew Miko is a lesbian. That was interesting. Little psychiatrist was a bit shy, maybe?
Doctor Sangonomiya toyed with her pen, then lowered it to her clipboard, ready to deal the final blow. Miko didn’t want to go there this fast, though. “Are you interested in me, Doctor?”
Sangonomiya smiled. Miko really wished she wasn’t like this in that moment. She could wipe that smile from her face in sixty different ways.
A shame.
“Of course I am. We don’t see an openly lesbian woman in politics to be successful like this. But that’s not what we are here to discuss.”
And the woman was just assuming a moment ago. Miko just knew she is into women too.
Sangonomiya pushed her hair back, straightened herself, gave all of her attention to Miko. “A woman.”
The carpet suddenly looked very interesting. Was it from Natlan? It looked like it. The design and handiwork-
Doctor took a deep breath. “Miss Yae. I need your elaboration. From what I am gathering, you met a woman seven years ago and that changed some aspects of your life.”
Miko smiled. “You sound so sure about that. I like confidence.”
“I am sure about that. I am a good observer. That is part of my job. But also part of my personality. I can’t stop being observant once I walk out of this room.”
Miko really wondered where this was going.
Sangonomiya Kokomi, much to her horror, pointed her ring finger. “That’s a hair tie.” Miko’s heart stopped. “Why would you wrap a very simple hair tie around your ring finger for past years and never take it off, if it doesn’t have some sentimental value to you?”
Miko knew she would stutter if she opened her mouth. This woman was good. Too good. She knew if she were to visit here a few more times, she had the potential to reveal her even deeper and darker secrets.
She swallowed. No need to tiptoe around it. “Yes. A woman.”
“Is she close to you?”
“She used to.” she breathed. “We don’t talk anymore. We ran into each other time to time but that’s all.”
“How did you two meet?” Miko wasn’t sure if she should share this information. But if it’s going to help… “I was invited to a birthday party of one of my closest friends.” She made her hand a fist. She was still feeling ashamed because of it. “Public appearances are important for us, so people will see us more… like themselves. Normal people. People they can connect with, you know?”
She shouldn’t have attended to that one. She was busy that day. But it was Saiguu’s party, her best friend, how could she say no?
“She was… there. I saw her side profile first. Then she turned her head towards me. A cold person, who could make you feel chill in your bones.” Miko took a deep breath. “But then… She turned her face to someone else. And that cold look just disappeared. Melted. She looked at her like she was the sun and I never wanted…”
Anything more in my whole life.
That look. One second it felt like there was a dying star in her eyes, that cold burning. The next, she was looking at another woman and that dying star came back to life. Miko felt like if the woman held her in her arms at her dying breath and looked at her just like that, she could beat death.
It made her head spin. Her heart fell into a rhythm designed just for her. A woman she didn’t even know. She knew her eye pupils have grown, her breath a bit uneven, her fingertips cold like she put them inside of icy waters of Snezhnaya. She never believed love in the first sight, until that moment.
“She loves someone else.”
Yes. And no. The woman she walked to, the woman who made her eyes light up like stars in a clear night sky, like sun in a hot July day, like full moon in the middle of the night… Like lightning, electricity sparked and lighted up the entire sky.
She is dead.
Saiguu is dead.
Miko felt her palms sweat. It wasn’t her fault at all. It was an unfortunate car accident, there wasn’t anything they could do to stop it. She could go a step further and say it was Saiguu’s own fault for driving all alone while she was drunk.
It didn’t make her feel less guilty though. They went to so many parties, gatherings, breakfasts, celebrations, birthdays together. Everyone knew they were close friends, that no one knew Yae Miko more than Saiguu. Her closest friend. She really was, since she took her secrets to the grave.
But she never knew how Miko betrayed her. She never knew how she wanted the thing Saiguu loved the most, her wife. She never knew Miko couldn’t sleep at nights thinking about Ei, how she hunted her dreams at night and how her thoughts drifted to her during the day.
Ei. Thinking about that name burned her lungs and and made her head dizzy.
Saiguu introduced them at her birthday party. It was a busy period of Miko’s life, they couldn’t meet or even talk on the phone because Miko was running to one thing to the other. That time she was newly rising to power so Saiguu respected her, gave her space. Miko felt bad about it so it was like an obligation for her to attend that party.
And it ruined her.
Saiguu and Ei got married after 2 years Miko saw Ei at that birthday party. Miko drowned herself in alcohol that day, smiling painfully, wanting to throw herself from the highest building in Inazuma for seeing Ei in whites like that, hair tie on her finger burning. She took it first time they met, Ei forgot it on their table and she snitched it. It was just a regular black hair tie so after a few weeks when she wrapped it around her finger, no one suspected anything. Some journalists assumed it has a story behind it, they asked her and she made up an excuse every time, then they dropped it. They always did after all.
“Doctor, I am going to be honest with you. I don’t even know why am I here. I want her. I never wanted anything else more than her in my whole life. I am not a greedy person. I love success, I love winning and pushing limits but never an unhealthy amount. I also know how to live my life. How to be happy.” Miko looked directly at Doctor Sangonomiya. “So tell me, Doctor? What brought me here? I want her. I don’t want not wanting her so why am I here?”
“Because you are afraid she won’t want you back.” Miko swallowed, her hands turning into fists. That possibility… Her ears ringing, oxygen burning her throat, the room suddenly too bright. “You are afraid she won’t want you. You are afraid she wont't choose you." Over a dead woman. "And you are not sure what would become of you, then. What would you do. What lengths would you go to make her like you the way you do. That’s why you are here. That’s why you want me to dose you with medicine to drown the thoughts of her.”
Sangonamiya shook her head. “It won’t fix this situation entirely though, Miss Yae. You need more than this, you need therapy. This obsession can harm you, or her.”
Anger rose inside of her. “I would never harm her. I would rip apart the world first.”
“I am sure she would like that.” A mocking smile. What kind of psychiatrist is this?
She scribbled something, gave her a prescription. “This won’t entirely help you. It will help you drown the thoughts, so you can focus on your daily tasks, your job. But I advise you to take therapy to get to bottom of this. It might be harmless for now but it can get dangerous, Miss Yae. Think of your reputation at least.”
Her reputation. Everything she built, worked hard for. Gone, because of a woman that doesn't love her back. Still, somehow, the thought of it didn't bother Miko even a little bit.
Miko checked the prescription. “Thank you for your time, Doctor Sangonomiya.”
She smiled. “Please contact me if you need anything. But I will be glad if you don’t mess with my entire schedule next time.”
Miko walked out of room. Therapy. So she would not want her. Not want Ei.
Her hand brushed her face. How she missed seeing her smile. Even when they are not directed at her but Saiguu. It would always make her heart skip a beat. Miko thought if she smiled at her once and she died right there, she would die content.
It was sickening. It crawled inside of her veins, in her organs, in her bones like a disease, breaking her, killing her. Saiguu died not long after they got married, so it means it’s been 5 years since they passed some time together. She missed her smell. Her soft skin, even if she couldn’t touch it. Her long, purple hair, she liked it when she wore it down. Her eyelashes, her nose, her mouth. Her calloused, strong hands from holding a gun. She knew she was in in the police department, even if she didn’t delve into her past and learn every single thing she could find about her, the way she carried herself would be a giveaway. Everything about her was intoxicating, too perfect for her, she wanted her to be only hers, she wanted her to look at her with that purple eyes and never tear her gaze ever again.
Miko lowered her eyes on the paper. She did not believe this could help. Of course it would help to an extent but not entirely. Ei would always be part of her. She can’t get past this, she can’t make it go away. She is too far deep, drowning.
And only person who can pull her out is the one she is drowning for.