Work Text:
A stray Chitauri flew over his head. Steve ducked just in time and watched as the creature blindly slammed into the nearest building, then exploded.
He stared with wide eyes, feet glued to the ground, legs shaking both from exhaustion and shock that washed over him first gradually, then crashing like a tsunami wave. A part of him pushed him to go forward, to storm into the building and evacuate the civilians. However, a much larger part of him kept whispering with persistence that something was very wrong.
Natasha emerged from around the corner and ran up to him, putting the gun in the holster at her thigh on the way. She looked tired and frustrated but her eyes still held that defiant spark that kept her going when her legs wouldn’t. Her face was covered in scratches and dust, her skin glistened with sweat. What was most striking, however, was how young she looked.
“You want to give me a hand with that or not, Rogers?” She asked somewhat harshly, her head snapping towards the building. There was now a gaping hole in one of the walls and a dark cloud of smoke was coming out. Steve wanted to say something but his mouth hung open, his mind drawing a blank. Natasha arched one eyebrow at him but made no comment and instead ran into the building.
Steve looked around. It was New York City, that much was obvious. Most buildings were damaged, some beyond saving, but Steve knew it could have been much worse. More than that, he knew the people would rebuild the city. He’d seen it with his own eyes after all.
The pieces slowly fell into place. With them came a sobering realization that ripped the air from his lungs. Steve looked at his hand and frowned, turning it over and over, then doing the same with the other, not fully trusting his senses with how out of whack he felt. The time-traveling watch was gone and so was the suit. What he was wearing instead was the awful, brightly-colored Captain America suit SHIELD had made for him.
Hydra, Steve reminded himself. The suit Hydra had made for him.
Steve let out a heavy breath and rubbed his hand over his face. It was as dust-covered as everything else around. The distant voices grew louder as people cautiously made their way out of the subway stations and other makeshift shelters. They all looked rough and shaken, but mostly relieved. Mothers held their children and husbands pulled their wives into tight embraces, each desperate to feel the touch of another human being, to reassure themselves that they were fine and it was over.
Steve had an awful sense of deja-vu. Only he knew it was real. That was, unless he was actually losing his mind, which was not all that impossible either. But he supposed he should have gotten used to constantly being thrown into the past, breaking through time and revisiting 2012 more often than not during his adventures. The year seemed to haunt him.
He walked away from the wreckage, his muscles burning with pain. Maybe it was selfish to leave Natasha to do all the work but she was more than capable of handling it herself. And judging by the state of the city Loki had already been defeated, captured and interrogated by SHIELD agents.
Steve gritted his teeth and held onto the shield tightly, doing what he could to ignore the horrifying images.The deaths and wounded were enough to remind Steve of the horrors of war the first time. Now it was even worse. He stepped over Chitauri bodies and maneuvered between giant whales that had fallen defeated from the sky. He had seen this too many times before.
Some of the civilians walked over to him, remembering him from the battle. Steve ignored them. He ignored Tony’s invitation to go celebrate their victory and caught a ride to the SHIELD facility with a couple of agents instead. With enough luck they would think he was just a freak about paperwork and debriefing.
Steve gripped his shield tightly all the way there, trying not to look through the window, trying not to linger on the fact that he would see Loki in a couple of minutes.
Fear gnawed at him. What if he saw a blank look in Loki’s eyes instead of recognition?
The sound of the agents talking tonelessly about how many aliens they each had killed lulled Steve into a thoughtless slumber. He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes, doing what he could to focus on nothing but breathing evenly. But the thoughts continued to plague him. After everything, Steve didn’t know what he would do with himself if Loki didn’t remember him, or if the TVA agents were still hell-bent on catching them.
Fury glared at Steve when he told him calmly that he wanted to see Loki.
The director looked exhausted, as if he had taken an active part in the battle. His eye, however, was still sharp and vigilant, watching Steve cautiously. “You won the war, soldier.” He said calmly, his signature coat thrown over the chair and his eyepatch barely hanging on. “You should go celebrate and leave the paperwork to me.”
“I have some questions for him too.” Steve said and scratched his head, aiming to look like a paranoid soldier who needed to see for himself that the enemy was really defeated before he believed it.
Fury let out a heavy sigh and leaned heavily over the table that stood between them in the cramped room that served as the director’s temporary office. He clearly didn’t like that Steve wanted to see Loki. Then again, Fury hardly ever liked any of the decisions Steve made. In his current mental state however, Steve couldn’t bring himself to care.
Fury reluctantly agreed and Steve’s hope mixed with a new wave of panic.
He was in Loki’s cell for less than five minutes and asked only basic questions, wary of the cameras that watched them. Still, it was enough, Loki’s blue eyes lit up and though he was clearly tired and beat-up, his face showed relief when Steve returned his gaze.
Steve watched Loki for some time, sitting on the floor and slumping against the wall. He was done making the right choices and then getting his ass beat for them over and over again. He didn’t care. He took a step back, gripped the shield and squared his shoulders, ready to throw it at the glass.
Loki’s icy gaze stopped him. His eyes were sharp and full of determination. Regret was buried somewhere deep within as well but it was dimmed.
Reluctantly, Steve lowered the shield. He didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense for Loki to stay locked. At that point Steve couldn’t think of any greater cause that would warrant them staying apart again.
With a heavy heart and tears burning in the corners of his eyes, Steve ignored the anger, the confusion and respected Loki’s wish. He left.
He left the building and looked up at the now murky sky, the sun slowly beginning to fade. The SHIELD facility was a couple of blocks away from the epicenter of the invasion and if Steve ignored the wailing of the ambulance and the police cars passing by, he could almost pretend that it was not happening.
Steve sat heavily on the curb and tossed the shield away. He leaned his arms against his thighs and buried his face in his hands. Memories of the past (or maybe future?) entered his mind. Was this his life now? What timeline was this? Steve caught a glimpse of his face reflected on the window of a car nearby and frowned again.
It was not the face he was used to seeing anymore. It was clean-shaved, slightly tanned and young , younger than it should be.
Or, depending on how you looked at it, his face was exactly as young as it should be in 2012.
Steve breathed in the polluted air, trying to calm his racing heart. He had a theory. He didn’t know if he was right but all signs pointed to it. Their miraculous rescue that Steve couldn’t force himself to remember, Loki remembering him, his young face…
This wasn’t temporary.
And if it wouldn’t simply pass, if he couldn’t just teleport himself into another timeline, then Steve was the only person with the knowledge of all the horrible things that were going to happen. Wanda and Pietro would get their powers from the scepter. Loki’s mother would die. He would put his loyalties with his best friend rather than with the people who had welcomed him in the twenty-first century.
He knew about Hydra. He knew about Bucky. And about Thanos.
Steve abruptly stood up and picked up his shield. It was a lot to process and the theory about him simply losing his mind was not completely out of the question yet. Or maybe he did die and it was hell.
It wasn’t the first time that Steve’s life was completely flipped over. He didn’t dare to hope that it was the last time either. He knew he needed to talk to someone and the only person that he thought could somewhat understand his turmoils was currently in Washington.
So he went back to the apartment SHIELD had assigned to him, packed a small bag, and booked a plane ticket. The walls were bare and the only thing that suggested that he lived there was a sketchbook of his friends from before the ice. It’d never felt like home anyway.
Not many places ever really had.
Steve finished packing, locked the door, and left, ignoring thousands of messages his phone was vibrating with. Whoever was trying to reach him would believe that he just didn’t know how to use it.
Steve remembered how hard it had been to return all of the stones to their correct timelines, harder than he expected. Sure, leaving them where he’d found them was simple enough but almost each place brought back a wave of memories and opened wounds that never truly healed.
Seeing Shmidt stranded on Vormir made Steve smile but the knowledge of what happened there quickly dashed it away.
New York almost brought Steve to tears. Seeing Loki and all of his friends, knowing all that would happen to each of them but being unable to do anything to change it made him feel helpless.
Steve tried not to think about Asgard at all.
Seeing Peggy made Steve cry as well. She was his first love after all, the girl he once thought he would marry and spend the rest of his life with.
He’d been tempted to stay with her, to have the life he’d been deprived of time and time again. He thought he would show up at her doorstep in a suit and with flowers, then take her dancing like he’d promised all those decades ago.
But that wouldn’t make him truly happy. Steve’s thoughts would always drift back to Loki and the one improbability he should have explored. In the end Steve went to that damn spaceshift.
Steve’s head felt like it was exploding. Thoughts and images floated around his mind and he couldn’t make sense of them. He was in a dire need of something solid and familiar, something that wouldn’t slip from him so easily. At least not for a while.
Steve hadn’t seen Washington right after Loki’s invasion but it was just like he imagined. Streets were mostly empty and people were glued to their phones, eyes filled with fear as they obsessively checked whether or not there was another threat coming from the sky.
If only they knew.
His own face was staring back at him from many of those screens but nobody recognized him, probably not even knowing that it was the real Captain America raised from the dead, and not just a well-skilled impostor. It was good though. Being recognized and asked stupid questions was the last thing Steve needed.
Steve found Peggy’s nursing home with ease, the brightly-colored building a stark contrast against the otherwise gray skyline. He remembered fondly all the times he’d visited her, both for excellent company and to see the last person that anchored him in the life he once lived. Still, dread filled him as Steve walked through the building. Would it be one of Peggy’s good days? Would a sudden revelation break her?
No, Steve reminded himself, even in her nineties, Peggy’s mind was sharp and she was still too smart for her own good. She was strong and Steve needed her.
The nurses were too preoccupied with watching the news and shaking their heads in disbelief to notice Steve walk past them. He only stopped in front of the door to Peggy’s room. He didn’t know what he would tell her, or how she would react, but Steve didn’t know who else to turn to either.
Steve knocked lightly and walked inside the room. A gentle light was streaming through the window, bathing the surroundings in a pleasant glow. Nothing about the layout was different than he remembered it. The TV was playing loudly, showing recent events, and there was a vase of fresh flowers on the bedside table.
The moment the door opened, Peggy’s brown eyes turned to him, ever bright and insightful. Steve tried to smile but whatever grimace he mustered quickly died on his lips. Seeing her like this had never been easy, but he’d gotten used to it, as much as he could get used to seeing the girl he was once in love with become seventy years older than him.
“Steve.” Her eyes were misty, both with old age and tears. Her voice however was clear and strong.
His own eyes filled with tears too, and he felt like he was seeing her for the first time in almost a century all over again. “Hi, Peggy.” His voice trembled and he was barely able to speak. He slowly wiped the tears from his face and sat on the chair that always stood on her bedside.
Steve explained to her, in the simplest of terms, what had happened to him. How he’d been under ice for seventy years and somehow survived. When she took that news well, Steve took her fragile hand and pressed a kiss against her knuckles. Unable to keep quiet, he told her the rest too, about breaking time, about Loki, about how his actions no longer seemed to matter, how he was stuck in the same year over and over again, reliving the same events.
Peggy listened intently, nodded every once in a while, all the while holding his hand and letting Steve pour his heart out.
Once he was done, Steve let out a long breath, rubbed his face and waited for Peggy to tell him that he’d gone crazy and needed to be locked away for his own safety.
She stayed silent for a while with a thoughtful expression on her face, a hint of the young girl he once knew coming through. “My doctor tells me I’m losing my mind,” She said surprisingly dryly. “Now I’m starting to believe her.”
Steve squeezed her hand lightly and gave her a tired, watery smile. “You’re not.”
She shrugged. “I might be.” Peggy said matter-of-factly, as though whether or not it was true meant very little to her. “But I’ve seen my fair share of things I couldn’t explain.” Her eyes lifted at him and he saw a faint spark of mischief. “You wouldn’t believe the number of reports I had to lie on.”
Steve continued smiling, glad that she was with him, and that she hadn’t thrown him out yet. Maybe the next day she wouldn’t remember their conversation and all that it meant to Steve, maybe she wouldn’t remember he’d come back at all. It was fine though. Steve was happy to have this moment, one moment when he felt like he wasn’t alone.
Steve stepped inside the apartment and threw his duffel bag on the floor. For the first time in two weeks he turned on his phone and frowned at the ridiculous amount of messages and calls he had missed.
“You seem oddly comfortable with a phone for someone who doesn’t know how to text back.” Steve frowned and looked up from the screen. Natasha was in his kitchen, leaning against the cupboards and holding a mug of coffee in her hand.
“And you seem way too casual about breaking into someone’s apartment.” Steve pointed out, already preparing himself for a mental battle, but not really expecting to win. She was good, sometimes even better than Loki.
She raised one eyebrow. “Where have you been?”
Steve put away his phone and walked past Natasha to check if there was any hot water left in the kettle. There was just enough for another cup. “In Washington, visiting an old friend.” He glanced at her. “But I bet you already knew that.”
She smiled, taking a sip of her coffee and watching Steve. “You booked a flight on your computer and accessed your online bank account all on your own. Care to explain?”
Steve poured the hot water into his cup. “I’m not as dense as I seem.”
Natasha tilted her head, her eyes tracing slowly up and down Steve’s body, clearly assessing him. “I’m getting that.”
Talking to her brought a fresh wave of pain. Steve wished he could tell her the truth but there wasn’t much he could say that wouldn’t make him sound like a lunatic or an old man with dementia. “You wanted something from me?”
“So I can’t just visit you?”
“No.” Steve said, taking a sip of his coffee and ignoring how it burned his throat. “Fury sent you?”
Natasha nodded slowly. “You’re lucky he likes you.”
Steve scoffed. “He does?”
Natasha shrugged. “You’re not in an interrogation room right now.”
“I’m with you.” He said. “Isn’t it the same thing?”
Natasha hummed. “But I’m nice.”
Steve looked away from her. It felt almost normal and if it wasn’t for Natasha’s smooth face he could pretend that nothing had changed. “Yeah? And how many knives do you have on you right now?”
Her face twitched and she froze for a second. But then she bared her teeth in a grin. “I don’t think you would like the answer.”
Steve smiled, enjoying his coffee as he looked over the empty kitchen. Coffee was one of the few things he bothered to keep around wherever he went.
Natasha watched him silently for a while, sipping on her own coffee every couple of minutes. She was wearing her regular clothes, which still made her look badass but in a way that still seemed humanly possible. She kept her hair loose, falling freely on her shoulders in soft curls. “I like you.” She said at last. “I didn’t think I would.”
“Who’d like an old relic that belongs in a museum, huh?”
“Right.” She narrowed her eyes but the easy smile stayed on her lips. “Funny thing, you went to Washington. That’s exactly where Fury wants you to be.”
Steve felt his jaw clench and he gripped the mug tighter than he should. Natasha’s words brought a fresh wave of memories. He knew what would happen next, and he wasn’t looking forward to it. There had to be another way.
“I’ll think about it.” Steve promised her, knowing he would need to think about a lot more than that.
Natasha finished her coffee and put the mug in the sink. “Fury wasn’t asking, as far as I know.”
“Well, as far as I know Fury’s not my superior.”
Natasha smirked as she walked towards the door. “You should make use of that phone more often.” She said, “Call me sometime.”
Steve kept smiling as she left, and the pain felt slightly less intense.
Steve couldn’t sleep.
Each time he fell asleep, a new nightmare would wake him. Sometimes he dreamed about what had happened, sometimes he saw images of what was to come.
Steve kept pacing the still mostly empty apartment and wondering if his memories were even real at that point. If the two years he had spent with Loki mattered, or if it was just another thing time had stolen from him.
He still loved him. He didn’t think that would ever change.
The lack of knowledge and the uncertainty gnawed at him. And it was only when he found himself scratching his brain trying to recreate some of the drawings he had done of Loki that he realized that there was someone in New York that could potentially help him.
Sanctum sanctorum looked the same as Steve remembered, looming over all the other buildings, visible only to those welcome to find it. The door opened for him before Steve even had a chance to knock. A cool breeze came from inside and Steve braced himself, not knowing if he would get any answer, or maybe fearing that he would.
He walked quietly through the cold building, his eyes drawn to all the artifacts. “Hello, Steve Rogers.” He almost jumped, but quickly calmed himself and looked up at the woman standing on top of the staircase and smiling kindly at him.
“Hello.” Steve greeted her, not really knowing what the proper way of addressing her was.
She slowly walked towards him, her footsteps light, almost floating above the steps. “I suspected you'd come.”
Steve smiled sadly. “I knew you would.”
“Tea?” She offered, gesturing at a small table where two cups and a porcelain teapot waited for them.
Steve nodded and they sat down. He tried the tea. It had a herbal taste.
The woman watched him in silence for a while, sipping on her own tea. “Ask your questions wisely. I will answer what I know but I can’t guarantee that you’ll like it.”
Steve nodded again. He set the tea down and leaned back in the chair, folding his hands together. “Do you know that we’ve already met?”
“Yes.” She answered simply and Steve couldn’t help but look at the stone hanging around her neck, flickering a pale green light. He wondered if he could travel in time with it. “Time is a very sensitive thing, very easy to break.” She said softly, as if reading his mind.
Steve rubbed his face. “I know.”
“You and Loki came very close to shattering it.” She continued, the smile vanishing off her lips. Her face was not unkind, but it was solemn, meant to be taken seriously. “It took a great amount of power to mend what you broke. You should be grateful that you were allowed to be kept alive.”
Steve blinked, wondering what her words meant, but suspecting that it was not for him to know. In the end, there were very few questions that really mattered. He lifted his gaze, meeting the woman’s surprisingly warm eyes. “Are we safe now? From the TVA?”
She nodded. “You don’t have to worry about them.”
Steve looked away, feeling tears gather in his eyes for what felt like the millionth time in the last month. “What about him?” He asked in the end, in a quiet voice. “Was what we had even real?” Steve didn’t clarify that he meant the Loki who died defending his people, hoping the woman would know anyway.
He closed his eyes, recalling every stolen kiss, every ironic jab and every ambiguous smile with fondness, but also with pain. “Time is not as linear as you may think.” The woman spoke and Steve forced himself to open his eyes again and look at her. The kind smile was back as she poured herself another cup of tea. “Whatever happened was as real as it felt to you.”
Steve nodded, not knowing if it made him feel better or not. There was one more thing he needed to ask though, maybe the most important one. “What do I do now?” The woman slowly sipped on her tea, letting out a content sigh. “Do I try to change everything or do I let it happen the way it did the first time?”
“It won’t happen the same way.” She said calmly. “You have already changed more than you can imagine.” She paused, looking at him with sympathy that Steve wasn’t sure was warranted. “Tell me one thing, Steve. Could you let it all happen again?”
Steve didn’t need to think about it. “No.”
“Then that’s all the answer you need.”
Steve didn’t know where to begin. Was he supposed to first go after Bucky or do his best to collect the stones, then destroy them, so that Thanos never got to have them?
He spent a couple of evenings writing everything down. The location of each gem, everything that would happen, every chain reaction, every tragedy that he thought he could stop. As he did it, one fact became glaringly obvious.
As enhanced as he was, Steve Rogers was just a man. If he wanted to stop a space titan like Thanos he needed all the help he could get. That meant letting in on his plan more people than he was comfortable with.
Steve went through the motions for a while, not knowing what to do with himself but still ignoring Fury's nagging and only occasionally calling Natasha, just to hear her voice.
He kept a low profile, blending with the crowd, ignoring various propositions from the media to be filmed or interviewed. The secret got out, just like it did the last time. He was a living legend, a hero brought from the dead, destined to save the world time and time again.
Steve couldn’t help himself from thinking about Loki, the one he'd fallen in love with all those years ago. When he struggled to fall asleep Steve's thoughts drifted back to their last day, the apology in Loki's eyes when his cold fingers lingered on his cheek for the last time.
"I'll be back." He'd said and Steve believed him even if he knew how many enemies Loki had made, how many awful creatures wanted him dead.
Loki never came back and now Steve kept wondering if the same thing was destined to happen again.
Two months had passed since Loki's invasion when Steve heard a soft knock on his door. It was late in the evening and he was about to go to sleep. A part of him wanted to ignore whoever decided to bother him but Steve forced himself off the sofa, tossed the journal he'd been scribbling in aside and walked to the door.
When Steve opened the door he froze and his breath got stuck in his throat.
Loki stood in front of him, face covered in scratches and armor tarnished. He looked like he'd walked straight out of a battle. But he was alive and it was all that mattered to Steve.
Before Loki could say a single word Steve grabbed him by the arm and pulled inside, closing the door in a hurry. Then he pulled Loki closer, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Loki was frozen in his embrace for a couple of seconds, and then leaned into the touch, resting his head against Steve's shoulder and taking in a death breath.
Steve inhaled through his nose. Loki smelled like ash and sweat but it wasn’t anything he wasn’t familiar with. Steve enjoyed how his hair tickled his face and the way Loki's leather felt under his fingers.
"I saved her." Loki said breathlessly, desperately clutching to Steve. "I saved my mother."
Steve still felt too choked up to speak so he didn’t say anything. After a moment however, Loki pulled away from Steve but kept his hand wrapped around his arm, like he needed the physical connection. "I have seen warriors on the edge of death, making declarations they later took back-"
Steve wrapped his hand around the back of Loki's neck and pulled him in for a kiss, knowing too damn well what he was about to say. Loki kissed him right back, fast and hungry, as if he missed it just as much as Steve did.
They broke apart eventually but Steve left his hand on Loki's neck, needing him close. "I meant it." Steve said in a raspy voice. "Everything I said."
Loki didn’t look like he quite believed him, his eyes frantically searching for something Steve wasn’t sure had a name. He took a step back and held out his hand. A black casket materialized on his palm. "The Aether." He said. "One of the infinity stones."
Steve stared at it for a moment before looking back at Loki. "You stole it?"
Loki half-smiled. "Possibly."
Steve raised his eyebrows. "And you weren't tempted to run away with it?"
The smile widened, turning into the smirk Steve was very familiar with. "Would you believe me if I said that I wasn't?"
Steve couldn’t help but smile back. "I'd call it bullshit." He paused for a moment watching as Loki made the box disappear. "They didn't lock you up this time?"
Loki grinned as he walked across the room, looking around Steve's apartment. "They did." He said. "But I convinced Thor to help me retrieve the Aether."
Steve followed Loki into the kitchen and leaned against the wall, watching the alien roam through the cupboards. "And he let you go then?"
"I suppose it depends on how you look at it." He finally seemed to find what he was looking for and grabbed a mug together with the packet of Steve’s favorite coffee. "I was banished." He said, seemingly unbothered. "Never to set foot in Asgard again."
"And you're fine with it?"
Loki shrugged as he started the kettle and waited for the water to boil. His eyes however revealed the truth, a reluctant acceptance. "It could have been worse."
The alien made his coffee and took a sip, looking strangely out of place. An avenging god in a domestic setting. Steve watched him in silence, drinking in the sight, convincing himself that Loki wouldn’t just disappear again. “What are you going to do now?”
Loki looked down into the mug, then his gaze returned to Steve. “I don’t know.”
Steve felt a smile creep onto his face and his eyes darted towards his notebook. “Then I might have an idea.”