Chapter Text
TW: Depression, Disassociation, mention of suic!de and s3lf h4rm
Dazai knew today wasn’t a good day. He woke to his body giving a painful heaviness, a heaviness that ate him from the inside out. He could smell pancakes being cooked throughout him and Chuuya’s apartment. Usually that would make him get right up and stroll to the kitchen where he would be welcomed with coffee and a kiss.
Yet today, Dazai was weighed to him and his boyfriends bed and didn’t feel like standing anytime soon. So for now, he buried himself further into the blankets and held back the biting tears in his eyes while swallowing the lump in his throat.
Dazai sighed shakily and clutched the pillow Chuuya usually slept on close to his chest. He knew the ginger would be there soon to find him with worry beneath his tired features yet for now, Dazai closed his eyes. If course his insomnia had acted up as well. Why wouldn’t it?
Chuuya was confused to say the least when his boyfriend didn’t stroll to the kitchen of their apartment with a sleepy smile and a kiss for Chuuya’s cheek. The redhead finished preparing him and Dazaai’s coffee followed by their breakfast, setting it on a tray and taking the short walk to their room.
What he walked into broke his heart.
Dazai’s eyes were empty as he laid on a fetal position underneath the covers with Chuuya’s pillow hugged to his chest securely. The brunette looked exhausted as well, his insomnia was most likely acting up which showed in his eyebags.
Chuuya quickly bent down to his boyfriend and removed the pillow with a sad smile to follow.
“Hey.”
Dazai simply looked up with blank eyes as Chuuya’s palm lightly caressed his cheek. He leant into the feeling with a soft hum. Dazai’s depression was bothering him, it was obvious.
“You need to eat, hm? We can do it together. And then we can take the day slow,” Chuuya reassured with a kiss to Dazai’s forehead. The brunette nodded, lingering thoughts of his life ran through his head; and not good ones.
Chuuya aided Dazai to sit up, the blankets over his shoulders as he ate the welcomed breakfast of bagels with eggs paired next to it. After determining about Dazai’s state while making breakfast, Chuuya had resulted to making his boyfriend a cup of chamomile tea rather than his usual coffee.
Dazai kissed the side of Chuuya’s head while he slowly ate, a silent thanks to the redhead who rubbed his knee. He knew they had work today, he just couldn’t find the will to even change and he hadn’t showered last night and felt gross and God that familiar sting in his arms that enhanced his already strong urges-
“Dazai, love? Did you hear me?” Chuuya’s soft voice came back into earshot. Dazai hadn’t even noticed himself begin to space out. He shook his head.
Chuuya held his hand with a reassuring smile and allowed Dazai to lean on his shoulder.
“I was asking if you wanted to stay home today? We can snuggle and I’ll go and get us lunch. I know you’re not feeling too good so we don’t have to do anything that’s too much for you,” Chuuya assured lightly which earned a slow nod.
Chuuya managed to get the bandaged man up to brush his teeth and change. He would help Osamu bathe later but right now they would focus on rest and trying to stop the brunette from going to a full spiral.
Chuuya sat on the couch after washing him and his lovers dishes where Dazai was already comfortable underneath a blanket. Yet his eyes looked rather blank, as if his thoughts were somewhere deep inside of him.
“Dazai.”
No answer.
Chuuya sat next to his lover, concerned.
“Osamu.”
Dazai seemed to snap out of his trance and tilted his head slightly. Chuuya opened his arm which allowed the brunette to curl into his side. Nakahara laid the two of them down gently and kissed his boyfriends cheek. Dazai now rested his head on Chuuya’s chest with a small huff.
“Where’s your head at? You were disassociating, my love.”
“I-I…” Dazai trailed off, his voice was hoarse from lack of use.
“I don’t wanna… wanna be alive.”
Dazai’s voice wasn’t upset or angry, in fact, it was devoid of emotion. Chuuya simply sighed and kissed his lovers cheek once again. He hated seeing Dazai in such a state.
“You know I want you to stay,” Chuuya whispered as he rubbed Dazai’s back. “You know that you deserve to stay.”
“But I don’t d-deserve it,” Dazai’s voice cracked. He finally felt the emotions he needed. But he didn’t want to be alive. It was a tiring chore.
Chuuya held the brunette gently in his arms.
“I love you. I love you so much. You deserve to have a reason to live. I want to hold you in my arms every single moment until you’re sick of it.”
Dazai released a soft, shaky sob in response. He didn’t deserve this angel.
“Shh, shh. It’s alright, just breathe.”
Osamu did as he was advised and gripped Chuuya’s hoodie as he calmed.
It wasn’t always like this. When the two met for the first time, they were harsh on each other. Yet Chuuya saw through his emotions, he had been the one to fully clean Dazai after hurting himself. The brunette at the time had insisted he was fine with a dull voice yet soon succumbed to Chuuya’s touch and cried into his chest how much he hated Mori and how living was hopeless. But Chuuya seemed to help him out of the mindset. After they got together at sixteen years old and left at eighteen following Odasaku’s death, Dazai looked healthier.
But days like these killed Chuuya. Days where his precious Osamu loathed the idea of living.
Dazai loathed them too.
But Chuuya was his light, his angel.
“C-Chibi..”
Chuuya smiled softly at the nickname. The name-calling no longer irked the two, it was pure affection now.
“Hmm?”
“I-I l-love… I love y-you..”
Chuuya smiled and wrapped his arms tighter around Dazai, “I love you too.”
Things were going to be alright, as long as Chuuya was around. He would help Osamu through the dark thoughts that clouded his fragile mind.
“We do have to try to do something productive though.”
“Hmm, no.”
“No arguments! This is because I love you!”