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Lucius put a hand on Pete’s arm and laughed. Izzy watched him from the corner, flipping through his sheets of cast members. “You’re telling me none of them are fucking available?”
“They’re all booked or injured,” Ivan frowned at the page. As if the two of them staring at it would make more names appear. “But there is one last option.”
“We can’t be there already.” Izzy looked at Ivan’s eyes and felt dread make its nest in his stomach. “Fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair and threw the clipboard down with a loud slam. “Alright, gather round.”
Everyone scurried over and circled up around their director. “Ivan and I were looking at it and the only way we can move forward with the production is if I take over the lead.” A murmur went through the company. “Because of that I’m going to place a lot of the directorial duties into Ivan’s hands. I hate to admit it but you’re all quite capable, don’t fuck this up.” A smattering of awkward applause rippled through them.
Izzy went over to the mirror where his bag was and started to wedge his ballet shoes on. “So does this mean you’re my partner?” Lucius had swooped in like a hawk.
“Yes, try to restrain yourself. I know you have a habit of seducing your partners.”
“Well, you think highly of me,” Lucius mumbled. “Look, it always turns out well. Haven’t made a mess of your company yet.”
“Yet.” Izzy stood to full height but it didn’t have the desired effect. Lucius was too fucking tall. “I won’t let you slack on this one. My reputation is particularly on the line now.”
“Have you ever let me slack?” Lucius rolled his eyes but took to center floor.
“Let’s start with marking the entrances to Act III, the wedding between the prince and our sleeping beauty.” Everyone took to the sides and marked their way as Ivan clapped. “Good, good. Then you dance, fairies dance, on come our fairy tale characters.”
They cycled through Act III until group rehearsal was over. Afterwards Ivan pulled Lucius aside, which Izzy could hear as he sipped from his water bottle. “Need you to hang back for partner rehearsals with Izzy. I expect you two to work this out on your own, okay? We can’t afford to work on chemistry stuff during group. We don’t have time.”
“Yeah, I understand.” When Izzy put his water bottle down, everyone had cleared out and Lucius was leaned against the mirrors watching him.
“Let’s get to work. Act II.” The prince had a vision of sleeping beauty, their pas de deux was legendarily beautiful and difficult. Lucius was one of their few male dancers who could do pointe and do it well. Izzy wished that’s why Lucius was so confident and cocky, but it seemed to spur from something all together separate.
Lucius went to turn on the music. “You did this once upon a time, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.” Izzy’s mind flashed to Ed, how beautiful he’d been. Not as sleeping beauty, that had been a woman named Mary who had done a wonderful job. She’d held him as he sobbed into her arms over company drama. Over Ed sleeping with someone else. “Turn that shit off.”
Lucius flinched but paused the music. “What?”
“We have things to take care of before we get to running it. How far did you get with Pete?” Izzy groaned at the lascivious look that crossed Lucius’s face. “Don’t.”
“I wasn’t going to. We had the whole pas de deux learned, but he was struggling with the lift.”
“Then we’ll start with that.” Lucius nodded and headed to center floor. Izzy stood behind him. “Okay go.” Lucius jumped up and Izzy grabbed him around the waist and legs. Then they tilted, Lucius stretching long. Then Izzy set him down.
“Wow, that was way easier than with Pete.” Izzy averted his eyes but couldn’t deny the brief flash of pride he felt. “Can we run with music now?”
“No, I need to review.”
“Okay.” Lucius allowed Izzy to mark the choreography with him, walking from spot to spot. “Is it all coming back to you?”
“Yes.” Izzy rolled his eyes. “I’m not ancient, it wasn’t that long ago.”
Lucius let his eyes roam over Izzy’s body as they circled each other. “No it hasn’t been.”
“Stop that.”
“Stop what?” Lucius laughed and spun off. Izzy walked over, as part of the choreography, and placed his hands on Lucius’s waist. They were slipping out of marking and into full out choreography.
They were in the center, Izzy’s hands on Lucius’s waist as he pirouetted and stopped. Held his waist as he lifted his leg into arabesque. Izzy’s hand slid up to hold his leg up, “Try to get that a little higher before the show.”
“Yes your highness,” Lucius panted but it wasn’t as sarcastic as usual. Izzy dropped his hand and let Lucius come back to standing.
“Let’s practice the other assists.” Lucius crowded in close, standing in front of Izzy. Izzy hoisted him straight up, bearing his weight for a moment as he extended his leg. Already Izzy was trembling with exertion. This pas de deux took stamina that he didn’t have right now. Lucius stopped him from lifting again with a hand over Izzy’s.
“Can we stop here today?”
“Sure.” Izzy let out a long, slow exhale through his nose. He needed the break but he didn’t want to say so.
“You’re really good. I don’t mean to sound patronizing, I just know it would be hard on anyone to jump in this late. So, you’re doing well. Is all.” Lucius put a hand to his neck as if reaching for something that wasn’t there. He let his hand drop and he gave Izzy a weak smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Izzy didn’t respond. He grabbed his things and left. His mind was racing with the praise, with Lucius’s slim fingers trailing against his pale neck. He got out to his car and nearly kicked the tire. He hit his head against the side with a thunk. “Fuck!”
He breathed raggedly from their exercise, shoulders rising up and down against the car. “Don’t do this,” he mumbled to himself, squeezing his eyes tight. “It’s day one, you can’t fucking do this.”
He took one last deep breath and got in the drivers seat. He would ball up his feelings, his urges, and throw them out the window like a piece of litter.
——————————
The next day was rehearsals for Act I. Izzy spent the day in the studio room next door reviewing the choreography and practicing. It made him nervous to leave Ivan in charge but he trusted him to run things in his absence.
Izzy was exhausted after an hour. He felt crazed after two. Sweat was dripping from every part of him, his lungs burned, his muscles ached. He didn’t want to be the old man who couldn’t dance anymore. The company needed him and he’d be damned if he wouldn’t step up the plate. He leapt and he spun, held his hands in the air to simulate holding Lucius.
The door opened when he was in the middle of a bit from Act II, Izzy whirled around. Lucius was leaned against the door frame. “It’s lunch time, Ivan sent me to make sure you ate.”
“Fine.” He went for the corner to turn off the blaring classical. Lucius let the door swing shut, and sat near the mirror with a tupperware. “What are you doing?”
“We’re eating lunch together, it’s bonding time.” Lucius waved his reusable fork around to illustrate his point. He was always talking with his hands.
Izzy reluctantly grabbed the food he’d brought and sat down near Lucius. This guy was trying. Izzy secretly liked him as a principle dancer because he got along well with everyone and put in the work. He hated to admit it though. “It’s harder than I remember.”
“You were making it look easy,” Lucius winked and shoveled salad into his mouth. “But seriously, it’s been two days. Less than really.”
“Yeah, well.” He sighed and let himself sag against the mirror. His lower back was on fire.
“Are you gonna shave for the show? Or does the prince have a beard now?” Lucius boldly poked at his face and Izzy smacked his hand away.
“We’re a queer dance company I think the prince having a beard is the least offensive thing we’ve got.” Lucius laughed good naturedly and nodded. He didn’t seem bothered by having his hand slapped away.
“How come you’re not this funny in group rehearsal?
“We’re not here to be funny, we’re here to dance.”
“Of course you would say that.” Lucius set his container of salad down, now empty. “It would be really fun if you joined us for warm up tomorrow. Since you’re one of us now.”
“I’m hardly.” But Izzy cut off that line of thought. Lucius nudged his knee into Izzy’s thigh. “Okay.”
“Okay. Good. See you later, then.” Lucius stood up and brushed off the non-existent crumbs from his leotard. He scurried out the door with a little waggle of his fingers that made Izzy remember the old days. The old days with Ed.
He sighed and scraped himself off the ground. Time to continue.
——————————-
They didn’t rehearse together that night. When Izzy walked into warmup the next morning he felt nearly sick. It was one part nostalgia, one part annoyance, and a lot of ill will as the only spot open was next to Lucius. “Saved you a spot,” Lucius gave him a little grin from where he was bent over, his leg up on the bar.
“Yeah.” Izzy watched the instructor showing the warm up steps for the day. As his body stretched into motion it felt good to be sore to this level again. Lucius slipped into the zone and the two of them pointed their feet and pivoted from right to left with each side of steps. Izzy didn’t receive corrections from the instructor, he hired her for fuck’s sake.
“Hey, don’t forget to practice with Frenchie for the lilac fairy part.” Ivan’s hand came down on his shoulder, startling Izzy from his thoughts. Right, warmup was over. The guys were carrying the bars back to the side of the room.
“Yeah,” he shrugged Ivan off. “I’ve got it.”
Izzy let himself relax into director mode, “Act II continuation today, Frenchie I need you.” Frenchie sidled up, hands behind his back nervously.
“Ready whenever you are.”
“Lucius, here now.” Izzy pointed next to him and Lucius rolled his eyes with a smile. Izzy found it didn’t annoy him as much today.
“Alright let’s run the vision sequence from the top please, Ivan please give notes as needed.” The classical music blared over the speakers. They performed a shortened form of the pas de deux, Frenchie as the lilac fairy swarming in and out.
It felt too hard, still like churning butter to spin Lucius. They weren’t connecting like they should, it wasn’t easy and it was pissing Izzy off. He grabbed Lucius a bit too roughly to end his pirouette and Lucius hissed.
Afterwards Ivan pointed out what Izzy already knew. “You guys look tense around each other. Frenchie that was great, but you two,” Ivan motioned at Lucius and Izzy. “You need more practices together. Don’t put it off.”
“If you say so,” Lucius sighed but didn’t fuss more than that. Izzy agreed but the thought of it filled him with dread of course. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”
“Yeah. Full day.” Just the two of them. All day, alone together. Fuck.
—————————————-
“Should we do a bonding exercise?” Izzy snorted.
“What would that be?”
“Well are you going to try it or not.” Izzy grumbled but shuffled over to Lucius. “First thing, we hold hands.” Lucius held out his hands face up. Izzy reluctantly placed his on top. “Good, now you look at me.”
Izzy lifted his gaze and stared into Lucius’s brown eyes. “Then what? We magically get better at dancing together?”
“Shh. We’re quiet and we stare into each other’s eyes for a full minute. It’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable. Then we start the dance.”
“I can stare at your eyes for a fucking minute you don’t have to talk to me that way.” They both quieted down. Izzy noticed the variations of brown, his long lashes, his brows. The faint dark circles under his eyes from stress and exhaustion. Were they overworking Lucius?
“What’s that look for?”
“Nothing.” Izzy sighed and dragged his eyes away. He didn’t say anything, just stood behind Lucius and put his hands on his waist. Lucius started to dance, Izzy to assist and dance after him. Izzy let the role wash over him. This beautiful man he had awoken from sleep was ready to marry him. One hundred years of time elapsed to bring them together.
The lifts came easy, Lucius was tightening his core and lifting from his center just so. It felt easier to spin him, they were more in tune with each other. When they were done Izzy carefully set Lucius back on his feet. He expected a sassy remark but there was none. “That was better.”
“Yeah it was. Try again with music?”
“Yeah.”
————————
Pete shifted his laptop to the side so Lucius could see. “Where did you even get this footage?”
“Friend of a friend and all.” Pete giggled but they soon fell silent watching Edward Teach and Israel Hands dance.
“I didn’t know Izzy did this production.”
“Me neither.” They watched Ed lift Izzy, spin him around. Ed was the swan with feathered pants and black paint between his eyes. He was angry and violent, but drawn to Izzy the prince. The duet was beautiful, aching with love and tension.
“Oh they were fucking.”
“Babe, that’s like common knowledge.” Pete looked away from the screen at him but Lucius’s eyes were still glued to the video. “They were like Fleetwood Mac over there, fighting and messing around.”
“Oh. Is that why it fell apart?” Izzy on the screen pressed his forehead to Ed’s. Lucius felt his heart ache, it was good to remember why Izzy spoke with the authority he did.
“Something like that, I’m pretty sure. It was around for like ten years, then bam no one wanted to work with them anymore, they ran out of money. You know.”
“Yeah,” Lucius breathed, reaching down to squeeze Pete’s hand. “I thought I did. Maybe I’ll ask him about it.”
“Don’t do that, he might drop you on purpose.”
“Mm. Good point.”
———————-
Friday morning Izzy didn’t work out as usual. Instead he slept in another hour to rest his muscles, or he told himself he did. Truthfully he slept through his alarm. He groggily shoved the covers back and stumbled to the kitchen to brew coffee. Lucius Spriggs, darling of the company. Blackbonnet Co. had tried to steal him away many times.
Secretly Izzy was thankful Lucius still danced with them. He could’ve made an equal salary elsewhere but he stayed. His phone dinged.
Lucius: hey Iz, can I stop by
Izzy frowned at that, fear curdled in his stomach. Every production was a few injuries or one upset principle away from ruin.
Izzy: of course
Lucius: thanks!
Izzy spent the next thirty minutes anxiously pacing his flat. Did Lucius feel uncomfortable? Did he not think Izzy was capable of the performance? Was he leaving to another company? Well he couldn’t fucking do that he was under contract. The bell rang and Izzy jerked the door open with perhaps too much force. “What.”
“Woah, grumpy pants. Let me get in the door first.” Lucius perked his sunglasses on his forehead and set down one of the coffee cups in his hand. “Thought I’d bring a peace offering.”
“Why?” Izzy scooped up the cup and sipped it, black like he liked.
“Just wanted to see how you were doing.”
Izzy shrugged and stared at the cup warming his hands. “Don’t get any ideas, Spriggs.”
“What, me? Sleep with a partner? I would never,” he laughed.
“Yeah, yeah. Just know it can blow up in your face like that.”
Lucius’s expression turned dim and solemn, ”I know.”
“Good.” Izzy felt shaken by that. Had Lucius found out then? About his last company. It wasn’t exactly a secret but it felt jarring to realize someone had found out without you saying.
“I like to hang out with my coworkers that’s all.” Lucius had a red ascot tied at his neck that he kept fiddling with.
“Right.” Izzy felt embarrassed by his rather sparse home. Sharp furniture and all black felt somehow vulnerable and transparent under Lucius’s scrutiny.
“Does your foot hurt?”
“I can deal with it.”
“Not what I asked. Here give me.” Lucius picked up his leg and set it in his lap. “You can’t let your body fall apart just for this one show.”
“Why not,” he spit out petulantly. But Lucius’s fingers felt heavenly as they pushed into the sole of his foot.
“Please don’t, then. I’m asking you not to.”
“Okay.” He bit back moans as Lucius released the tension and pain from his foot.
“Now the other one.” Lucius set that leg down and picked up his other foot. He set to work on that one, hand massaging up his calf. Izzy couldn’t stop the quiet moan and felt his cheeks go red. Was this how Lucius seduced all his other partners? “Don’t be embarrassed, you literally lift up my leg to expose my twat like four times in our pas de deux.”
Izzy laughed at that. “I guess so.” He was really uncomfortable because he used to massage Ed’s knee when it would get bad. The ghosts of former lovers haunted his heart still. Izzy grimaced as he tried to let kind words fall from his lips with the ease everyone else seemed to find. “You’re a good dancer. Actually.”
“Actually?” Lucius tittered and worked his thumb harder into the ball of Izzy’s foot.
“You know what I mean. Glad to have you with us.”
“The company is glad, or you’re glad?” Izzy’s eyebrows raised up at the distinction.
“Me. I’m glad.” Lucius set down his foot with a little pat.
“Good. I wouldn’t accept anything less.” He took another swig of his coffee and sprung up from the chair to poke around the rest of the apartment. “You don’t have a lot of personal items. You should get a plant or hang a picture or something.”
“No thanks.” Izzy didn’t watch where Lucius looked. He wasn’t sure if he couldn’t bear to look or if he trusted Lucius enough to rifle through his meager belongings.
“A little birdie told me you’ve done pointe. I didn’t know you could.”
“Why would you know that?”
Izzy could feel the eye roll radiating across the room. “Well, you’re our director for one. Plus you’re my partner right now, seems like something I’d know.”
“It’s really not that important.” Lucius circled back and sat on the very hard couch. Izzy’s watched him wince as he sat and knew what he was feeling. He never spent long on that thing, it was mostly for appearances. “So how many of the rumors are true?”
Lucius smiled softly at him and shook his head. “Fang and John from tech, Frenchie, Roach, and Pete. Everything else is hearsay. Although, Pete and I are actually dating now, so.”
“Oh really? Then I’m glad he got himself injured.”
“Oh shut up. We would’ve managed just fine. It’s a poly thing anyway.”
“Hmm.” Izzy sagged in his chair at that with relief. Relief? Maybe for the state of his company. That was all. “And how is Pete?”
“Doing okay. Thank you for asking.”
“Yeah, yeah.” They lingered in silence for a bit longer until Lucius got a text.
“Oh I better head. Glad we could chat though. I’ll see you Monday.”
“See you. Make sure you’re sleeping enough and drinking water.”
“He does care,” Lucius called out as the front door swung shut with a loud slam. Izzy noticed Lucius’s ascot on the couch. He must’ve untied it during their conversation. He’d return it Monday, no reason to run after him.
—————————————-
Monday evening Lucius was waiting in the private rehearsal studio, stretching his right splits. “Ivan was brutal today,” he groaned when he noticed Izzy had walked in.
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Izzy absentmindedly walked over and lent a hand to Lucius’s back for his stretch.
“Mm, thanks,” Lucius groaned. Izzy thought about him groaning under him in other ways and nearly bit through his own tongue. “You can let me up now.”
“Right.” He hastily stepped away and rolled his shoulders out. “Let’s get started then.” He stared down at his phone as he scrolled for the music. To give himself a second to compose his emotions, bury himself in the structure and control of ballet.
There was something about dancing with Lucius that felt different than any other partnership he’d had throughout his career. Lucius listened, bodily, in ways others never had. He was quick to rearrange himself to cover Izzy’s mistakes. It was sweet (and stupid). Let the other person crash and burn for all you cared, that’s what a hungry principle dancer should think. Izzy had thought that way once.
As a director his viewpoint had to shift entirely. But Lucius didn’t have to think like a director. “Hey.” Lucius stopped dancing, mid walk. “Your mind is elsewhere, let’s take a break.”
Izzy felt annoyance bubble up in him at being called out. He needed a fucking minute. He pushed out the side door into the cool fall air and tilted his head back against the exposed brick. He didn’t like feeling angry and in love and under appreciated like back then. In love, fuck this was in lust at best. He needed to control himself.
Lucius didn’t follow him which he was grateful for. The sounds of city buses and pedestrians soothed his anger. He was one in a city of many. He was an artist and he had a company he loved. Izzy’s fingers itched for cigarettes, the routine of bringing them up to his lips, though he hadn’t smoked in decades.
His phone pinged. It was Ivan.
Ivan: need u to step up man
Ivan: you’re freaking Lucius out
Izzy: sorry
Izzy: I’ll fix It
Ivan: you better
Izzy sighed and shoved his phone into his back pocket. In the studio Lucius was hovering near the stereo and anxiously texting on his phone. “Sorry. Let’s continue.”
“Did I do something? Because I feel like I’m dancing my best and I can’t keep up with these fucking mind games, like if I’m doing bad just say that. Point it out and I’ll fix it.” Lucius seemed like he was about to cry. Fuck.
“It’s not. You were fine, don’t worry about it.”
“Are you sure?” The tears spilled over, Lucius blinked them back and threw up his hands. “Shit. Sorry.”
“No, I should be apologizing.” Izzy carefully approached Lucius and placed a hand on his back. “You’re working really hard, this is a difficult show for your role. I’m sure it feels like the production is resting entirely on your shoulders. But I don’t think that.”
“You don’t think I’m capable,” Lucius muttered bitterly. “I’m aware.”
“No, you’re not listening to me. I’m saying it would be hard on anyone but you’re doing well. You’re one of our best.” Lucius cried harder and wrapped Izzy up into a fierce hug. “There there.”
“You’re terrible at comforting people,” Lucius laughed wet and raw.
“Oh shut it.” Izzy smoothed his hand up and down Lucius’s curved back. “Why don’t you go home early and get some sleep tonight. I don’t want you to burn out before the show.”
“I’m trying not to. I don’t want to let you down.”
“Me or the company?” Izzy stared at the wall and somehow hoped it was the former.
“You.” Izzy squeezed him tighter.
“Can I escort you home?”
“Mr. Hands,” Lucius pulled back from the hug and placed a hand against his heart. “Escort me home.”
“It’s late, just fuck. Don’t fight me on this one.”
“I won’t. Thank you.” Lucius slowly changed into his sneakers, pulling leg warmers over his tights and a big winter jacket on. He wound a scarf around his neck and wiggled a thick hat onto his head. Izzy put on a jacket. “You’re going to freeze.”
“I’ll be fine. I run warm. You take the train, right?”
“Yeah.” They stepped out of the revolving doors of the front of the studio into the chilly night air. “I go to the stop just up here.” Lucius jerked his head to indicate and shoved his hands into his coat pockets. They walked quickly, Izzy somehow outpacing Lucius even with his shorter legs. He sighed and slowed down.
At the stop Lucius leaned into Izzy’s side. “Sorry for crying on you.”
“It’s fine.” The train rushed in and the doors slid open with a hiss. It was fairly empty heading out at this time of night. They both grabbed a pole in the center and held on as the train flew onwards.
“Pete’s visiting a friend tonight. So I am kind of glad you offered.”
“Yeah, well.” Izzy looked out the window and watched the city scenery glide past. His face felt hot in the ways it used to when he was young and Ed’s head would drop into his lap backstage while they waited. The hours in between, sitting on the sides of rehearsal, in the wings, in the dressing rooms.
The train stopped again and Lucius corralled him off. “I’m near here.” The apartment building was run down and ramshackle but Lucius’s apartment was cozy. “Want to stay? It’s pretty late. You can sleep in Pete’s bed.”
“Sure.” He was weak. He was so fucking weak. Lucius slipped off his shoes and set the electric kettle to boil.
“Now we’ve seen each other’s places. That’s a step forward in our relationship.” Lucius cheerfully removed his hat and coat, hanging them on a messy coatrack by the door.
“It’s something.” Izzy took off his shoes and jacket just the same. He stood near the couch.
“You can sit down. Do you want tea?”
“Earl grey if you have it.”
“I do.” Lucius was more perky than earlier in the evening. As if he had never cried at all. When Ed was down it would drag him down for days. God, he needed to stop comparing them.
A steaming mug was set before him. “I’m going to change, do you want any clothes?”
“Yeah. Whatever you’ve got.” Lucius returned in a big sweatshirt and little shorts, socks pulled over his ankles to keep away the chill. He laid clothes into Izzy’s lap.
“You can change wherever.”
“Stop trying to peek on me,” Izzy groused. He went towards the bathroom and shut the door with too much force. He watched himself change in the mirror. Thought of his body moving in tandem with Lucius’s body.
When he came out Lucius was curled up under a blanket with his tea mug cupped in his hands. “Come sit.” Izzy sat next to him and Lucius tossed part of the blanket over him. He didn’t mention how his sweatshirt swallowed Izzy and Izzy was grateful for that. “You know, you need your rest too.”
“Don’t turn that shit back on me.”
“How could I not? You always look exhausted,” Lucius said fondly. “Somehow you’re more uptight now that you’re in the show. Didn’t think that was possible.”
“I don’t want to ruin this company.”
“One halfway decent show won’t ruin you. I know that.”
“Fine. What about your career?”
“That’s sweet, but unnecessary. I’ll be fine.” Lucius cuddled in closer to Izzy’s side. Izzy felt him pressed alongside, warm and firm. “I’m going to ask something please don’t bite my head off.”
“No promises.”
“What was it like? When it was good. When you and Ed were good.” The question made him feel hot and cold all over. Lucius was good at digging to the heart of the matter. Even if all he had was a rusty spoon of a question.
“It was amazing. I thought he was the best dancer alive. That by dancing with him I was one of the greatest dancers by association. When his attention was on you, you felt whole.”
“And what happened?”
“We drifted apart. He fell in love. He tore his ACL. It was the perfect shitstorm.” Lucius scooted away and Izzy’s heart dipped but then his head laid onto Izzy’s shoulder.
“That’s awful. I saw old footage of the two of you dancing. I hope we look half as good as that.”
“Don’t compare yourself. But we look better.”
“Izzy.” His voice was thick with emotion again. Izzy held out his hand face up and Lucius grabbed onto it like a lifeline. They laid like that until their tea was cold and Lucius’s eyes were dry. And then they went to bed in separate rooms.
——————————————
In the morning light snuck into cracks and breaks in the shades. Izzy was disoriented for a moment before he saw the whittled dancer on the bedside table. It looked a lot like Lucius.
In the kitchen there was no one, Lucius must have been still fast asleep. Izzy opened the fridge and frowned at how empty it was. He should order groceries. His best dancer couldn’t very well starve. That was all.
“Morning,” Lucius yawned right as he finished submitting the order. “What are you up to then?”
“Getting food for us. Don’t say anything.”
Lucius quietly mumbled something about soft centers and sat down on the couch. He lazily pulled the blanket over his lap and gave Izzy a little head tilt. “In the meantime will you come warm me up?”
“Fine.” Izzy sat next to him and let Lucius sponge onto him like a squid.
“You really are like a heater. My very own hot water bottle.” Izzy’s mind raced with the possessive language. He couldn’t do this. He could, but he shouldn’t. “Calm down, I’m not gonna jump you old man.”
“I’m not an old man,” Izzy grumbled but his heartbeat slowed. “Can lift you can’t I?”
“Yes, you can. But for how long?” Lucius laughed and poked Izzy in the stomach. Izzy ruffled Lucius’s hair in response and chuckled at his indignant squawk. “Leave my hair alone.”
“I’m strong and you know it.”
“Mm, very strong.” Izzy closed his eyes and breathed in the intimacy. It had been ages since someone had laid in his arms and laughed with him. The speaker buzzed. “That’ll be the food. I’ll get it.” Lucius was aflutter with movement, bringing the man in and gasping excitedly at all the food.
“Izzy! This is too much.”
“You didn’t have any food.”
“Well, I was going to grocery shop soon, it’s just been so busy.” Izzy didn’t say anything just looked at Lucius. “Okay I’ll let you this once. Don’t make it a habit.” Lucius ducked in and pecked him on the cheek. Izzy sighed and started to put the food away, but it wasn’t a weary sigh.
He toasted bagels for them and they ate that. They needed the carbs anyhow. Pete walked in on crutches right as Izzy was brushing the crumbs from his mouth.
“Hello, love.” Lucius kissed him on the cheek and too the package out of his hands. “How are you?”
“I’m good, heya Izzy.” There was no surprise or annoyance in his voice. Izzy watched them chatter for a second with a soft peace. Lucius looked so pleased to see Pete. They really would’ve been a good prince and sleeping beauty.
“...well go put that in your room. There’s food.” Izzy caught the last of their conversation. Lucius darted back to the table and patted Izzy on the shoulder. “Are you gonna stick around for a bit?”
“I don’t think so. I need to take care of some things.”
“Okay.” Lucius seemed disappointed but he nodded and acquiesced. “I’ll see you tomorrow at rehearsal then.”
“Yeah.” Izzy stepped forward as if to hug Lucius and felt stupid until Lucius enveloped him.
“Thank you. For listening to me.” Izzy left and walked the one freezing cold block to the train. He needed the cold air to freeze the feeling out of him like an ice block he could pick. It was unprofessional at best, and heart destroying at worst.
The doors closed on the train and he watched a woman run to try and catch up but it was too late. They were leaving already. He felt a sick satisfaction at her desperation. Schadenfraude, was that what they called it?
———————————————
Dress rehearsal were breathing down their necks like a rabid animal. Izzy felt like the weeks had melted into one stream of days he could hardly tell apart. All he knew was they worked hard and now it was time to put on the costumes and see if they had created something special.
Lucius had begged to wear a tutu and they had agreed because he was their beloved principle. Izzy watched him walking back and forth, tipping onto pointe and down. “What do you think?”
“Looks good.” His mind wandered to Mary, holding her waist with the tutu sitting below. Ed’s hot gaze in the wings.
“You look good too. I’m excited. Hitting the stage with Israel Hands.” Lucius did a sassy arabesque and sashayed off to the wings. His full name on those lips sent a shiver down his spine. He didn’t know his reputation really meant anything to Lucius.
Fang appeared and hustled him out of the dressing room to the wings. Ivan was in the middle of a speech to the company. Wait no, Lucius was talking. “He’s put his blood, sweat and tears into this show, and really this company. Let’s make him proud.” Claps and cheers ripped through the gathered dancers. Izzy pressed against one of the heavy curtains separating wing from wing and felt his eyes tearing up.
“Little bastard,” he sniffled. Lucius was more than a beautiful face. He listened and he cared. Izzy didn’t feel guilt and regret, not anymore. But something was creeping up his throat. Here they were and he hadn’t taken his chance with Lucius. Him and his partners always parted after the show had run its course. He was too late.
“You ready?” It was Ivan.
“Yeah.” Ivan said something to Fang and the music started. The show run was a blur. Until the pas de deux with Frenchie coming in and out. He held Lucius breathing hard, warm and alive against himself and he felt reborn. The excitement of performing, the rush of blood was making him feel crazed in the best way.
When they finished, without lights and tech, just the first full run through no stops. Izzy felt like he would float away without Lucius’s hand tethering him to the stage. They practiced the bow and he slipped off into the wings behind Lucius. They would reset and start tech, but there was a break before that. “How was that,” Lucius asked him anxiously.
“You were great.” Lucius smiled small and private for Izzy.
“Good. It felt good in my body but I wasn’t sure if you felt like I was getting in your way or.”
“No. You were good.”
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Opening night Izzy sat at the brightly lit dressing room mirror and wanted to scream. He had remained professional with Lucius to the end, and for what? Act I was happening now, above him.
He took a deep breath and stood from his chair. There would be time to panic later.
It felt like time oozed and bent, as he stood waiting in the wings near the hot spotlight before Act II. It was unreal to look out at the darkness and see so many people again. To be dancing for them. Lucius was beautiful.
Lucius and Izzy danced like they were the only two there. The pas de deux felt like a holy experience, with the weight of so many eyes on them. There was a moment in the dance where sleeping beauty looked back at his prince, and they shared a smile. Tonight, Lucius leaned back and smiled and kissed Izzy on the mouth. A brief peck, but he was reeling with it for the rest of the show.
When they were done he stormed off the stage to his dressing room, and threw the chair against the wall. “What the fuck!” He wanted to smash the mirror. He heard rapid footsteps coming down the hall, the box of pointe shoes smacking against the concrete floor.
“Izzy! I’m sorry.”
“Why would you do that?” Izzy whirled around as Lucius squeezed into the dressing room and shut the door. “Don’t tease me like that.”
“Who said I was teasing?” Lucius looked furious now. “So you still see me that way? Even after all this time?”
“No! I don’t. I can’t.” Izzy rubbed at his face and felt worn. “Lucius please don’t give me hope. That’s all I’m saying.”
“Why not? I’ve been practically throwing myself at you all season.” Izzy stayed frozen as Lucius edged in, lifting the tutu up to get closer. “I don’t think this is one-sided.”
Izzy leaned up and kissed him, slow and sweet. A kiss he’d never experienced in his life. There was no gnashing teeth or alcohol between them like a filter. “I don’t want this to be over when the show is over.” Izzy hated himself for saying it but it was true.
“It doesn’t have to be.”
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Every night Izzy used his dance to show Lucius how he felt. Every night he looked at his sleeping beauty with the full force of emotion he felt and hoped that even an ounce was received. They reached Monday, the first Monday, exhausted and blissful. Izzy fell into Lucius’s bed Sunday night and they slept. Pete cuddled in too, the three of them slept until noon on Monday.
“If you could do it all again? All of it?”
“Without a second thought.” Izzy let Lucius entwine their hands. “It was horrible and it was beautiful. We made art.”
“And me?”
“I underestimated you.” Lucius kissed their fingers and grabbed Pete’s hand limp with sleep and kissed his too.
“I’m really happy. I want you to know that.”
“Okay.” Izzy let go of Lucius’s hand to cup his face. “I’m happy too.”