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It was a rare night in which neither of them wanted to push the other away with cruel words or violent fists, each simply content with the other's presence. They were both drunk on cheap liquor, Dazai high on something or the other, sitting side by side on the edge of the Port Mafia tower roof, their legs dangling. Chuuya was aware he was staring at his partner, but was too drunk to care. Too drunk to make himself stop.
"If you could choose a way to die, how would you choose to go?" Dazai's tone was conversational, but oddly careful.
This was not an unusual topic of question for Dazai. Chuuya wanted a cigarette.
"Why do you ask?" Chuuya responded softly, his partner's conflicted tone making him calm.
"I was thinking," a quick pause. "In a life with so little choice, it would be pleasant to have a choice in death, don't you think?"
Pleasant. That was a good enough word for it.
Dazai wouldn't meet his eyes, only stare at the city below. Chuuya turned away from him to stare down too, looking to see what had caught the other's eye. Was it the lights? The people? The port barely visble through the buildings? Out of everything, it was most likely the promising height, but Dazai wouldn't jump with him there. Chuuya wouldn't let him.
He hummed in thought, letting it rumble in his throat. It was a sound Dazai has confessed to liking before, when the drugs had dulled his edges and made him soft.
Chuuya was highly aware that he most likely would die at the brutal hands of Corruption, when Dazai was no longer there to pull him from the haze. Die with his insides shredding themselves apart and blood in his mouth, stranded in the center of a pit of his own personally made hell. He had come to peace with that at 15. Chuuya usually wasn't the type to meditate upon his death, much less a preferred way to go, but being around Dazai made you do just that.
What would be the opposite of being the center of the universe? Being alone in it? Chuuya wouldn't mind dying as he drifted off through space, body forever just another forgotten speck of debris. But he knew enough about the wonders of the universe to know dying in open space would be worse than dying to Corruption. But the thought was nice. Drifting off seemed calm, peaceful.
Chuuya shot a glance sideways, so as to not turn and look. Dazai was watching him now, waiting patiently for an answer, his visible eye bright due to whatever drug was pumping through his veins. With a sigh, Chuuya tipped his head backward allowing his body to follow as he flopped onto his back, leaving his legs to hang. He looked to the dark clouded sky.
A dull thud told him that Dazai had been quick to copy. Their shoulders brush.
"I think I'd like to drown, drown with a good view of the stars." Chuuya says softly.
"That sounds nice."
"Does it?"
Chuuya turned his head with the question. Dazai was staring up, face twisting as he thought, nose scrunched in that silly way Chuuya refused to admit that he liked.
"Yeah, it seems peaceful. Beautiful even."
"Yeah, I thought so too." Chuuya all but whispered.
And he really had. Maybe dying to the stagnant embrace of space would be something he'd never want, but drowning under the stars seemed like the romanticized version of it. A beautiful alternative.
"You couldn't die like that in Yokohama."
Dazai had a point. You couldn't see the stars in Yokohama. The city lights polluted the dark of the night, overpowering all but the most stubborn stars.
"No, I guess I couldn't."
Dazai laughs. It was a carefree laugh. The one Chuuya only ever hears anymore when the other is high or drunk. It's a rare treasure these days, for the bandaged boy tends to be a bastard the majority of the time. A bastard or half dead. The thought causes Chuuya to laugh too, drunk enough to feed into any and every impulse, their laughter melds.
As the two boys begin to calm, their eyes meet, which only sends them into another fit of giggling. They repeat this enough times that Chuuya's ribs begin to hurt, until the vicious cycle finally dies. They really are much too drunk to be dangling off a skyscraper, but Chuuya's just happy Dazai's here and not god knows where, with god knows who.
With the giggling stopped, it leaves them staring at each other, chest heaving in an attempt to regain the breath the laughter stole. Chuuya is staring again, but it's okay this time because Dazai is staring back. Chuuya can't help but take note of his flushed face and tiny smile, it's a good thing he decides.
"I can feel them, you know."
"Feel what?"
"The stars, the moon, I can even feel the sun. I feel the pull of their gravity, it's faint. But it's there." Chuuya explains this, never breaking eye contact with Dazai.
His partner seems awed, in that careful way he gets while intoxicated. "You can feel them, even all the way down here?"
"Yeah. It's like a pull in my chest, or a subtle pressure in my bones. It's-" He frowns, he doesn't quite have the words. "It's comforting I guess."
Dazai hums. "I think. Well, I think that's very human of you."
Chuuya knows he must look completely dumbfounded right now. And he is. Whatever Dazai had taken must really be hitting now, Dazai was always so honest when high.
"How so?" Is what he finally stutters out.
"Well," Dazai shifts to his side, legs curling in and arms going to cradle his head. "I think being comforted by the presence of stars is undoubtedly human. A trait shared by almost any civilization. And the Sun and Moon, many cultures worship them. It's a distinct facet of human nature."
Now it's Chuuya's turn to be awed. "I've never thought about it that way."
Dazai grins. "That's not particularly surprising. Do you actually ever think?"
"Why you‐"
Chuuya shoots up, grabbing his partner, dragging the squirming bastard over. He hadn't really thought this far ahead and ends up just caging a complaining Dazai in his lap. "No, let me go! Your stupid is contagious!"
"Yeah, yeah, and your stupid isn't?" Chuuya mutters as Dazai twists onto his back to stare up at him with an uncovered eye.
"You're not a hatrack tonight." This is said as Dazai's hand reaches up to stroke through his hair.
Chuuya subconsciously leans into the touch. "Didn't want the wind to knock it off."
"I like it." Dazai really was just saying anything and everything tonight.
"You do, huh?" Chuuya looked down to see Dazai staring up at him, he looked to be half asleep.
"Yeah."
"Thanks." Chuuya chuckles and Dazai is all but ignoring him now. He really is gonna fall asleep right here.
Chuuya shifts the dead weight in his lap so he can lay down, arm behind his head and Dazai across his chest.
It'll be nice to sleep under the sky, as starless as it appears. He's sure Kouyou will cover for them if they don't report in on time tomorrow. Dazai mutters something as he begins to stir. Chuuya drops a hand to the other's head stroking his hair, Dazai stills.
It wouldn't hurt for tonight to be just them, Dazai and Chuuya, sleeping under the sky.
Chuuya smiles. "Just for tonight, right Mackerel?"
Dazai, fast asleep on his chest, doesn't answer.