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The worst kind of fear is the kind that doesn’t stop at just being afraid.
Because the little sting of shock at a jumpscare in a horror movie isn’t the worst part of it. It leaves as quick as it arrives, it’s temporary. But the anxiety sticks, the pit-of-your-stomach feeling that follows you through darks hallways and under your bedsheets when you tuck in to sleep, and it even creeps into your dreams, haunting them into the wee hours of the morning.
That’s the worst kind. The sickening, constantly lurking kind that not only scares you but keeps you afraid.
Under your pajama-clad legs, the bathroom tile was cold. The fear was cold, too. Cold and slimy and like bile in your throat; it kept you there, body stuck to the floor and eyes stuck to the unassuming little stick in your hands.
You blinked once, hard, as if you could somehow reload the result.
But it was still just a pregnancy test, with its two, two, horrible little lines.
It was that fear that’d hit you when those lines came through, harder than anything you’d felt. You knew it wasn’t possible, but you felt like you could feel the thing you were carrying in your stomach, cushioned by the cloud of anxiety brewing inside of you.
You were carrying the end of your relationship, and there wasn’t anything you could do about it.
Tadashi was only a casual boyfriend; sure, you’d put the label on it, but you’d only been seeing him for what, three months? He wasn’t just some throwaway one-night stand, though. In fact, you’d been friends for a good while. He was a wonderful guy, sweet and selfless and incredibly intelligent, but… this was a lot.
You wouldn’t blame him for running. You expected him to run.
And so, you sat on the bathroom floor, the fear eating you alive, until there was a gentle knock on the door.
“Babe? Are you okay in there?” came the voice of your dear friend and lover, Tadashi.
You couldn’t reply, the bile in your throat wouldn’t let you. The only noise came out was a sob you couldn’t smother.
The concern in his voice was so genuine you almost cried, “hello? I’m coming in, okay?”
And he pushed the door open with a creak that echoed off the tile with his footsteps.
He crouched down next to you, as if approaching a startled animal. “Hey, what- “
He stopped. Of course he did, he saw that little (horrible, infuriating) stick in your hands.
“Babe?”
That was when you started to cry.
The tears were as ugly as the fear, full-bodied and all consuming, and he let you collapse into him while you cried without saying a word. You loved that about him, his kindness, his caring nature that was so plainly on display like the universe was waving what you were about to lose in front of you like a carrot on a stick, taunting you.
“I’m sorry,” you finally managed, repeating that little phrase over and while you shook in his arms.
“Why? Why would you ever be sorry?”
“I, I-I just, I didn’t want you to have to deal with this, you didn’t sign up for this and I really don’t want you to leave- “
And now it was your turn to be cut off with the sweetest of kisses to your lips. Then your forehead, then cheek, then back, then Tadashi pulled away to look at you.
He smiled, a sad one but still full of love, “who said I was leaving?”
You made an odd, strangled noise.
“Is that what this is about? Did you think I’d see you pregnant and dip?”
Through tears, you nodded.
“Oh, honey…”
He pulled you deeper into his embrace, and if those sobs could turn uglier, they did. He shushed you with sweet nothings and reminders of how much he cared for you, his hands in your hair and his heartbeat next to yours.
“I know this is scary, and we don’t have to keep it, but just know I would never abandon you for something like this,” he said into your shoulder.
“I love you. Alright?”
You nodded, sniffling, “I love you too.”