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The music pounded in Charlies skull, a small headache already forming- he hadn't even been at the party for an hour, why was it so loud.
He probably shouldn't have left Nick, in retrospect, it was never a good idea to be alone at a party with hundreds of drunk teenagers screaming and running around, but he seriously didn't think he would've been able to prevent himself from crying if he stood there and watched him be set up with some girl he hardly knew.
God, he was such an idiot.
Of course Nick liked a girl. Of course Nick liked someone who, very clearly, was not him. He was a boy. Nick was straight. Why hadn't he listened to his friends in the first place? He could already hear Taos 'I told you so' speech for when they saw each other next. He needed to breathe, he couldn't manage to get a full breath in the crowded room, and it was not helping the anxiety bubbling under his skin.
The hallway was emptier, the few people there caught up in making out with some person they'd probably never talk to again, but Charlie payed them no mind. He just needed to breathe. He wanted to find Nick, honestly. He was the sole reason he was even at this stupid party. Because of course Charlie couldn't say no to him, why would he? Just crush on the straight boy and then go to a party with him full of the homophobes that bullied him the entirety of year 9, because no was just so hard to say, apparently.
Not like that was new.
He shivered, slowing his pace and staring at the ground. He didn't exactly know where he was, but no one was around, so he wasn't complaining. Until someone brushed shoulders with him- instinctively muttering a 'sorry' until he looked up. The anxiety that was previously being muffled shot up his spine, hair sticking on end as he took a step back.
Unfortunately, there was no where to go except the past Ben, or into the wall behind him. Why didn't he just stay with Nick, why did Ben have to be here? He just wanted somewhere quiet, where he could hear his thoughts and breathe. Breathing. Right. That's something he should be doing.
"Look, I'm sorry about what happened, okay? Have you finished sulking about it?" Ben took a step closer to him, easily replacing the steps Charlie took back. If Charlie wasn't focused on breathing he might've believed Ben was actually sorry.
"Leave me alone." Attempting to push past him, he froze as Ben grabbed his arm, voice laced with annoyance. "Oh, come on, Charlie. Why are you so difficult? No one's gonna fucking catch us! Its a crowded party, we're alone in a hallway, I dont get why you're suddenly afraid!" He got closer as he spoke, barely an inch away from Charlies face by the end of his rant.
His body felt frozen. He stared at the older boy, eyes wide as he struggled to respond. "I'm not- I'm not fucking afraid, Ben. I'm just sick of- of you not respecting me! I'm my own person! Not some- some fucking boy you can snog whenever YOU feel like it! Just leave me alone, for fucks sake! How many times do I have to tell you? Just- Just leave me alone.." His eyes burned from his palms digging into them, but he didnt dare move them to see Bens face. He didn't want to see the consequences of his words.
Ben glared at him, scowling. "God, you're so fucking dramatic, Charlie. I cant think of anyone who would willingly give up getting a boy in their pants just because of something so stupid. You're so fucking lame." He pressed closer, pulling Charlie in by his hips and a hand in his hair.
He couldn't breathe. It was loud again. Or maybe it wasn't, and that was just the pounding headache and blood draining from his face. He threw Bens hands off of him, pushing him into the wall instead as he forced the tears back. "Do NOT touch me!" He stared for a minute, and tried to calm his shaking as he walked off.
He really wish he had said no when Nick asked him to come. He would've been so much happier if he had said no, and gone to movie night with his friends. He would've been safer at least. No loud noises, no pounding headache, no Ben, none of it. He plopped into a chair, putting his head in his hands. He really didn't know where he was, not having the energy to care. There was people around, and it wasn't as crowded as the main room, so Nick could find him and Ben couldn't do anything. He could at least close his eyes and try and push the nausea away. Maybe he'd get a drink. Unlikely, the alcohol would probably just make him feel worse. He didn't really care.
He picked his head up after a while, taking a deep breathe. Its not the end of the world if he left early, is it? He could just call his dad, go home and take some sort of aspirin and pass out. He huffed, scratching at his arms. Charlie only stopped when he felt a dip in the couch he was on, looking up to see Nick sitting next to him.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"..You left."
He smiled a bit, awkwardly turning so he didn't have to fully face the boy. "Sorry I, I felt like I was in the way. And your year 11 friends are.. kinda of intimidating?" Kind of is an understatement. Most of Nicks friends had front row seats to the bullying he dealt with the last year, but Nick didn't need to know that.
"Yeah." Charlie looked at him as Nick sighed. "I dont know If I wanna hang out with those guys anymore." He grinned. "I'd rather hang out with you, anyways."
Well, now he felt a bit bad for wanting to leave. How could he think of leaving Nick Nelson, probably the sweetest person he's ever met, all by himself at a party? Who was Charlie to deny him?
"..So I just ran into Ben."
He cursed at himself mentally. Why, on earth, did he bring that up. It was fine, honestly! Nick didn't need to know anything happened, it would just worry him or cause problems with his friends.
But Charlie couldn't seem to keep things from him.
Something about him, about his smile or his voice or just how much he cared made it impossible for Charlie to not tell him something.
Which, probably isn't a good thing. If he's being honest.
"Ben?"
The worry in Nicks voice was overwhelming, and Charlie already felt guilty for bringing it up. "Yeah. I mean- I dealt with it. He tried to like, apologize, for what happened.." He bit his lip. "But I pushed him into a wall and told him to go away. I think he got the message this time!" Hopefully.
Nick didn't need to know the details.
The older boy grinned, grabbing Charlies hand as he smiled. "I'm so proud!"
"Shut up!"
They looked around, soft smiles on their faces. "Its kinda noisy in here isn't it?" Charlie grimaced, reminded of his headache. "Yeah."
"Should we go somewhere quieter?"
"Okay."
Nick grinned, pulling him up, their hands still connected. "Come on!"
They made their way through the sea of people, refusing to let go in case they lost each other again.
"You wanna race?" Charlie laughed, "You want to race me?" Even with the small protests, the two ended up racing down hallways, up stairs, and around corners. Out of breath and laughing, they finally settled into a room- along with poking some fun at how stupidly rich Harry was.
The floor wasn't the most comfortable, but it was better than standing and gave them both a chance to fully catch their breath. Charlie tugged his lip between his teeth, debating his next words.
"So.. was Harry being serious? Do you.. like Tara?"
Nick's eyes widened, shaking his head. "What? No! No, definitely not."
He relaxed a bit, ignoring the relief coursing through his veins. He didn't like that one girl, okay, but there's still countless others he could like. It didn't mean Charlie had a chance.
"Oh. ..So you, dont.. have a crush on anyone at the moment..?" Truly, he was just digging a bigger grave for himself.
Nick looked away- a soft flush on his face, "Well, I didn't say that."
And there it is.
"Oh."
He knew it was coming, honestly. It was stupid to think he even had a slight chance. Of course there was a girl Nick liked, she was probably super pretty, and they were probably friends- he couldn't help but think of that one girl he'd seen Nick sit with in the mornings, Imogen, he thought her name was. Nick might've mentioned her before. He couldn't be upset about it. It was understandable.
Charlie forced a small smile, trying his hardest to hide the disappointment. "What's she like then?"
He liked listening to Nick talk. Even if it was about something he wished he'd never have to hear. His voice was comforting, he could listen to him talk for hours. He could just try to ignore the words.
"You're just.. gonna assume they're a 'she'"? Nick gave a hesitant smile, and Charlie's blood ran cold.
He could see the fear in Nicks eyes. He wasn't good at hiding it.
"Are they.. Are they not a girl?"
Nick didn't respond.
"..Would you go out with someone who wasn't a girl?"
The boy seemed to think for a while, body tense as he spoke, "I dont know. Maybe."
He was pushing it. Charlie knew he was pushing it. Nick didn't deserve that. If he was figuring something out, it wasn't Charlies place to force him to talk about it.
And yet, he got closer. Their hands almost touched, and Charlie let out a shaky breath for what seemed like the hundredth time that night.
"Would you kiss someone who wasn't a girl?"
Nick swallowed as they locked eyes.
He looked so.. scared.
"I dont know."
He broke the eye contact.
He hated it in general, but Nick was always different. He could look at Nicks eyes. He could look at his eyes for hours. But this? The fear in Nicks eyes hurt. He looked like he was going to cry.
"Oh."
Neither of them spoke for a while. The silence was something Charlie usually adored with Nick- how comfortable it was, to just be there. This was suffocating.
He wanted to ask him, so.. so fucking bad. But what if he said no? What if he said yes, and then realized he was definitely not into guys. He didn't want to be another 'occasional kiss' to help someone else figure out their sexuality. Not again.
So he stood.
"I- I should go. I think my dads gonna be here soon- I'll, see you monday-" He knew his dad wasn't there. He still had an hour, at least. But he would rather be anywhere but in that room alone with Nick, something he wants so close and yet completely out of reach.
"Charlie! Wait, wait!"
Nick grabbed his arm.
He almost thought of Ben, the panic that had since subsided bubbling to the surface before he could push it back. Their eyes met again, and the guilt of almost leaving made his heart hurt.
That was happening a lot tonight, wasn't it?
Why would he ever want to leave Nick? And when he looked like that? When Nick Nelson, the rugby king, who was always so happy and energetic, looked like he was about to start sobbing? He couldn't. He didn't want to. He never wanted to leave Nick.
He relaxed, stepping back into the room, eyes never leaving Nicks face. He still looked scared, nervous even. Charlie tried to ignore how that hurt. He couldn't blame him for it. He would be, too.
"I.. I think I would. Uh- Kiss. someone. That isn't a girl." He could practically see the gears turning in his brain, the panic behind his expression much more clear now that he'd admitted it out loud. Nicks breathing had sped up a bit, and all Charlie could think of was how he felt when he realized he was gay. When he came out to his parents, afraid that they'd hate him, or when he lost friends, the bullying, the harassment, the self harm, the hatred..
And now Nick was going through the exact same thing.
Realizing he hadn't exactly responded he put his arms around the taller boy, puling him closer. Nick buried his face in his shoulder.
"..I haven't said that out loud before."
He nodded.
"..It's okay, I get it. ..I wont leave."
Nick only hugged him closer, the promise of tears in his eyes.
"Charlie.." He seemed to want to say more, but choked on the words. Charlie pulled Nick back down to the floor, holding him in his arms as he tried to calm his sobbing. Neither of them said much, the silence only being filled with Nicks sobs and Charlies occasional 'I know' and 'its okay'.
Eventually, Nicks sobbing came to a stop and he wiped his eyes, a bitter laugh leaving him as he did so. "..Sorry."
"What did we say about the S word, Nelson?" Both of them grinned, Nick rolling his eyes at him. "Yeah, because you apologize for everything. I just spent like, 20 minutes crying into your shoulder. I'm allowed to say sorry."
Charlie bit his lip. Would he want to talk about it? Did he want Charlie to just.. forget it happened? Ask him about it? He honestly didn't know the best response to the situation.. at all. No one ever really educated him in the 'what to do when your assumedly-straight best friend tells you they dont think theyre straight and then sobs for a while while you hold them' department.
"Nick.."
He swallowed, not meeting Charlies eyes. He certainly wasn't going to be the one to bring it up.
"Nick.. it's okay. I get it. Out of anyone, I promise you I get it. Just.. you dont have to know everything. You don't have to talk about it, or tell anyone. Everything you do is your decision, yeah? I mean, its better to not ignore it, but, you can go at your own pace. figuring out your sexuality isn't.. easy. Not for most people, anyways."
Nick pulled his knees up to his chest and nodded as Charlie spoke. "..I know. I just.. don't.. I don't understand, any of this." He cracks a smile as he looks up at Charlie. "Honestly, you spend 16 years of your life never questioning who you like and then suddenly some cute boy sits next to you in form and you're taking am I gay quizzes."
He paused. Was he hearing things? Maybe it was just his headache. Had to be.
"..You think I'm cute?"
Nick blinked. Gave him a confused look, as if he was in disbelief, then laughed. "Uh, yes? Was that not.. incredibly obvious? You know, when you went to leave and I grabbed your arm to tell you that yes, I would in fact kiss a guy? and then cried?" Charlie buried his face in his hands, groaning. "I'm not good at that stuff! I cant just- assume things!" The taller boy just laughed at him, shaking his head as he stood and held out his hand to help Charlie up.
Grabbing Nicks hand, Charlie smiled. "So, about those 'am I gay' quizzes.."
"Shut up!" The two laughed, a soft blush that both would say was because of the rooms heat covering their faces.
They stood like that for a while. At some point Charlie had dropped his head onto Nicks shoulder, eyes closed and arms around him, and Nicks arms had made their way around his waist.
It was comfortable.
It was so natural.
Like they were made to hold each other. Charlie never wanted to let go.
"Charlie.." Nicks voice was quiet as his grip on the boy loosened and he pulled away enough to look at him. His eyes were still wet, but he seemed a bit less scared than he was before. Charlie smiled at him, flushing when Nicks hand came up to stroke his face. Nick seemed to think for a while, content with memorizing every aspect of Charlies face before he swallowed and his gaze flickered between Charlies eyes and his lips.
"..Can I kiss you?"
"Please."
Maybe it wasn't accurate to say there was fireworks. Maybe he was just being a cringy, 14-year old boy finally getting to kiss his crush for the first time, but god he never wanted it to stop. He didn't know this is what kissing someone was meant to feel like. It didn't leave him scared and cold and wishing it would stop. He wanted more. He wanted more of the warmth that Nick let off, the safety, he wanted to hold onto Nick forever and refuse to let go.
He did have to breathe though, which put a damper on that last plan.
"..Are you okay?"
Nick smiled. "..Yeah. I think I am."